No longer identifying my ex as an aspie

For years I said my ex boyfriend Jerry had Asperger’s because he told me he did and had it confirmed by doctors. But I had also thought over the years he made it up because of things he said about getting tested for it didn’t add up. Right when he got home after visiting me, he told me a few days later he got tested for it and did the tests and they said he would have been diagnosed with it as a kid (AS wasn’t known then when he was a kid but I assumed they meant if it was known then he would have or if he was a kid in present time, he would have) and they told him they couldn’t make it official because they only did it for kids. But anyway I have been online for too long and I have seen aspies write how they have to wait months or weeks before they get an assessment done on them and then they have to wait another week or more to hear back for their results to hear if they have it or not. For my ex this all happened in a day which sounds fishy. Also he was always getting money from his grandparents to pay for his food and gas, his attorney, etc. but yet he couldn’t get money from them to pay for the official DX he wanted? That also doesn’t add up. I also went to my autism group and Roger Meyers and several other members there were diagnosed by Dr. Gene Stubbs who also diagnosed me and they were all adults when diagnosed and it was at the same place where my ex was told they only did children. Also in the local ASAN group, the group leader emailed out some information to members who were looking for a DX about places to go to and the same place was listed. That raises skepticism about Jerry.

Then I would think no he has it because he was black and white and concrete and he had above normal hearing and acute sense of taste and smell and he didn’t like tags in his clothes. He also told me about his childhood. But how do I know he didn’t make any of it up? I know he could hear well because he said one morning “it’s raining outside” and he haven’t even looked outside yet so I looked and there was rain coming down.

Then I came across covert narcissism and that sounds very much like him. I also noticed a few overlaps between autism spectrum disorders and covert narcissism but when you look at the list, they are not the same.

Here is what is said about it:

http://infoselfdevelopment.com/covert-narcissism-know-your-emotional-abuser/

Covert narcissists by contrast, are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are the most tricky and perhaps most dangerous sort so let’s focus on them. Covert narcissists are underhanded, deceptive and act behind the scenes. They pretend to be lovers, givers, altruistic, loyal and kind. These individuals are projecting to the outside world a calm and patient mirror but on the inside, they are as deeply selfish and narcissistic as overt narcissists.

Both overt and covert narcissists have grandiose fantasies, feel entitled and exploit and abuse people but the main difference between overt and covert narcissists is that unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists know that showing or displaying their true self will get in the way of achieving the power, recognition and the self centered success they crave.

They worry a lot about their lies being found out and are very vulnerable to stress but unlike overt narcissists, they don’t believe themselves, what they want others to believe about them. Covert narcissists don’t possess the confidence levels of overt narcissists and are prone to feeling guilty about thinking they could ever be something they know they can’t. They put up emotional barriers and try their best to suppress these feelings and not expose them to the outside world. They don’t feel guilty, however, about hurting others so in that sense they are the same as overt narcissists. They are still very competitive, conscious of their actions and calculated in their actions.

So how do you recognize a covert narcissist? The only sure fire way is to be close to that person from a personal angle, to have a personal relationship with them, because covert narcissists can’t hide forever from those who are personally involved with them but despite that it can take a long time before their cover is blown.

The tell tale signs to help you recognize a covert narcissist:

• Emptiness, seems to have something missing that you can’t quite put your finger on

• Stubborn, rarely apologising unless they want something from you (see narcissistic supply)

• Ability to make you feel guilty, even when something is not your fault

• Entirely self centered; they are the center of their own universe

• Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation

• Projecting their insecurities and defects onto you

• Very sensitive to constructive criticism

• Inability to form intimate relationships

• Inability to feel genuine remorse

• Blaming others for their problems

• Low emotional intelligence

• Highly materialistic

• Extreme lack of empathy

• Superficially charming

• A victim mentality.

This was all him. He came off as shy and anxious and naive and innocent. He felt invisible around people he said and he was a very private persona and he always worried what others thought of him. Unfortunately this made him act controlling. He also had low self esteem so he didn’t like himself and he over compensated. It is a stereotype that all narcissist have high egos and love themselves. But some of them don’t like themselves. He was also overly jealous. I did not pick up on his abuse because he came off as he didn’t know what he was doing and he said he had Asperger’s so I had to be tolerant and patient and not be one of those ignorant normies. But he had hid behind it is why. I did not think he would do any of this on purpose and he showed loyalty and caring but it was all about him and to make it look like he was good. I was fooled and covert narcissist are harder to spot because they come off as nice and good people in public. They are hard to spot. They are very hidden, even the victim may not see it. But it makes so much sense about him I actually felt excited because I had discovered the truth and it was more closure for me and it told me it was not my fault so what I did in it was irrelevant but I can still learn from it. I think he just hid behind, Asperger’s, PTSD, and anxiety. But they are vulnerable to stress and anxiety and that was him alright. Sure few of these things might be found in others who are not a narcissist. I have anxiety too and also cannot handle stress but that doesn’t mean I also am a narc.

Rather my ex was aspie or not, it doesn’t matter. That is irrelevant if he had it or not. I decided I would no longer identify him as having it and will no longer say I was in a relationship with one. He was toxic and it’s bad enough we have a bad stigma and that we are known for causing divorces and ruining marriages and that we will rip up your low self esteem and tear you down emotionally. Why contribute to it by saying my ex was aspie and he was all these things? That is feeding into the stereotype about autistic people being toxic and that we are abusers and will bring down your low self esteem. I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist. People will disagree and they may and will and they may say he was just a jerk or asshole, not a narcissist. Some may say he was just nuts. It is also politically incorrect to be in a bad relationship with an autistic person because whenever one mentions it, they are automatically seen as bad and as a narcissist. Which is why I would fail to mention Jerry was aspie whenever I talked about the bad relationship. I have seen the negativity by autistic people about women on AssPartners and other places where there are horror stories. But then some have said their partners are not autistic, they are narcissists. I think they may be right because after I had been reading about it for the past two months, I think their partners and ex’s are a narc than autistic and I think people often confuse the two. This should be great news for them on AssPartners but sadly it’s not because they get offended when they are told it’s not autism and even suggest their partner or ex was a narc.

Me finding out my ex was a narc was wonderful news because I could scratch off that over sensitive people are bullies and toxic, jealous people are bad, people with low self esteem should be avoided, etc. because that was not it, it was the narcissism. My husband also doesn’t want people to know about him but the difference is he doesn’t act all controlling about it or get mad at me for talking to my parents or try and pry in our conversations and being all worried what I said and talked about or what others may think. My husband also has a private life but it doesn’t mean he is also a narc, it just means he does it in a healthy way where he isn’t all demanding and controlling and all toxic where I have to cut my parents out of my life or else it would upset him. When I was with Jerry, I just waited until he was gone to call them or go outside and talk and I can remember my mom telling me I called them less and less. This is how narcs makes their victims cut off contact with their families and friends. But my ex hid behind anxiety and his insecurity and his worries for this behavior for me to not see it. But my parents saw right through it and I always told them he worried too much what others thought of him and he was worried about me saying things to them that would be inaccurate and give them the wrong idea about him. Now I know this was convert narcissism and now I know it was about him not wanting to be discovered and found out than what my parents might think of him and what others might think and it makes so much sense why he was so private. He just had a secret he didn’t want out. My parents had been right about him even though they didn’t say he was a narcissist, they just said he was crazy, he had to put others down to make himself feel better, he hated women, had no respect for them, he would have cut me off from my family and taken all my money, I was on Social Security so for him it was free money, he treated me like I was retarded and my mom said he was an asshole. She also doubts he was abused and that he had PTSD. I am sure she doubts he had Aspergr’s too. She said he was all “poor me.”

Did I just threaten allstate?

I have money anxiety so any changes in money makes me worried. Money has not been taken out yet for car insurance so I looked online under my account on allstate and saw I had paid in full so I had my husband check our bank account again and it wasn’t showing in there still. I also looked at the statements on my account and saw as of August 2014, the payment was around $334 and then six months later it was $348 and not bad at all. But this time it was way up to $382. I am scared that it will keep going up like it did with Progressive which is why I cancelled them because they were now charging us over $500 so I cancelled them and went to Allstate thinking it would be better. I have no gotten any tickets or been in any wrecks and I still got this huge increase. I do get discounts and this was after the discount. So I emailed my agency about my concern and told him I didn’t want to be paying over $400 next time or $500 because I don’t want to cancel them like i did with the other because of it and then have to shop around again.

I realized I had basically threatened to cancel them if they charge me above $400 ever. Sure I didn’t say “If you ever go above $400 for me to renew, I will cancel your policy and go somewhere else for it” but it was what I basically meant even though I was civil and concerned about my money and their policy. It can be translated into that by anyone if they read my email.

But I have six months to relax and not worry about this until January when we get the policy again before the bill telling us how much we have paid. It’s automatic withdrawal so we have nothing to worry.

But money anxiety sucks because if I was rich or had a real high income, I wouldn’t have to worry about change in bills when they increase. I even went for a honored citizen bus pass because I hated how they were increasing their fares and ten dollars in increase was too much and I didn’t want to be paying over $100 for a bus pass so I went for a honored citizen because I hate my budget being fucked with unless payments go down instead of up. I only like change if payments are less than up. I hate being broke or worrying about bad things happening and being all distressed because of a change. While payments go up, my earnings do not go up which is why I have an issue with all this. Which is why my husband takes care of the finances because I always flip out over money and unexpected bills and then I refuse to do anything because I hate surprises and always worried what if an unexpected payment happens. I live like I am poor so my husband took over the finances because I could not handle it and I was chewing him out over spending literally a dollar. Now this car insurance is scaring me so I basically threatened them even though it was not my intent.

How to get your kid to wear pants

My son has wet farts so he gets poop in them and it goes through his underwear and it gets on the furniture. I didn’t want that again so I checked his underwear and he had poop in them again and I decided to fetch some clean underwear and I got a IC pad from my closest that I got from the hospital when I had my daughter. I take his underwear off and wipe his butt and I put his underwear on and I put the pad in and pull them up and he complains about it. He said he didn’t like it, he didn’t like stuff in his underwear. It was like a diaper and he didn’t like it. So I told him he would have to wear pants then. He has two choices, pants or that pad. He picked pants. He never wears any at home so he is always naked in his underwear and now I have found a way to get him to wear them. He doesn’t want to wear diapers so he would rather wear pants. His pants will keep his poop from getting all over the place. Instead he will get them on his pants. I can always use under pads too for him to sit on too like his car seat if pants don’t work. My husband keeps threatening to put him back in diapers if he can’t keep his ‘wonder’ clean.