Archive for the ‘ex boyfriend’ Tag

Regret vs Remorse

Sunday, September 25th, 2016

I found an article about Borderline and narcissistic regret vs remorse. My ex had told me in a comment here that she has BPD. That is very similar to NPD because they are often compared and people saying they are both the same to victims. Some don’t even know if they are both or which one they have because of the overlap.

I remember when I was on my ex’s Facebook page, I saw one where she said she lost the only woman she loved. I thought that was some joke and I wasn’t sure if she was talking about me. She could have been talking about someone else. She might have met another woman and lost her. But anyway the first thought that came to my head was “You ignored me so can she say she lost me?” Then I started wondering why she would quit answering her phone in the first place. Did she think I would stick around if I was being treated that way?

Also one of their hallmarks is their lack of truly being sorry. My ex was not sorry for how she treated me. She denied it instead and used her diagnoses as a cop out. Instead of taking responsibility she threw the “I really wish you would read about my diagnoses so you can understand me better.” She also told me she is sorry for how I fee.l and she told me what she read here was upsetting. I think she felt that way because she didn’t like how I was reacting about it and feeling. The article sums it up right here about this behavior she did.

BP/NPs don’t take responsibility for their own moods or actions, so they don’t feel remorse.  Instead, they typically feel angry at you for reacting negatively to their actions.  They rarely even notice that they have hurt your feelings or insulted you or put down your opinions or views.  When you point out that they have done something hurtful, they blame you for “being too sensitive” or too judgmental or just unloving.

I remember in the relationship, I was trying very hard to figure out how to word things and how to say things so my ex wouldn’t get upset with me. Then I would blame it on myself thinking my communication was wrong and I can’t say anything right. The reason why other people don’t react the way they do and cry is because they can control their emotions and hold them in, she doesn’t do that. It also created lot of stress for me because I had all these thoughts in my brain and I couldn’t even talk about them because it would upset her so I was left alone with these intrusive thoughts. I can talk to my husband about it and he wouldn’t get upset with me even though he has admitted it’s hard work for him because he then has to calm me down. But he still does it because he loves me and he doesn’t like me being upset. I don’t like being this way either so that is why he handles all the finances and doesn’t tell me how much money we have and I just use my credit card and he pays it off. I don’t go overboard with spending. My husband is also good with finances and he doesn’t buy stuff we can’t afford so I trust we won’t go broke or go below in our bank account. If I had stayed with my ex, none of this wouldn’t happen and I would be alone with my intrusive thoughts and it would have been very stressful.

The moment I got the comment from my ex was a typical narc apology. I know because I have lurked on forums about it and read blogs about it and have seen people post their narc apologies that were sent to them by their ex or narc parent. Their letters are usually calm and not angry or hostile. My ex’s letter was calm and there was no tension in it or any anger. They will also deny the things they did and say how sorry they are for you feeling a certain way about them or say how sorry they are for you not having a happy childhood. They never apologize for how they acted and treated you. There is also gaslighting in it. My ex did some gaslighting by saying she didn’t do any of the stuff I said she did.

I have noticed a pattern with abusers. They seem to forget the abuse they have done to their victims and that behavior is always harmful for the victim. I have wondered if they regret so much what they did they truly forget about their abuse as some form of coping mechanism because they can’t cope with their feeling of regret or even guilt so it’s easy to just forget so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. But then that means they wouldn’t have to take responsibility over what they did. My mother used to tell me when I was 10-12 “just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.” Even as a kid if I had no memory of doing something, I wasn’t off the hook, people didn’t move on. They still had to talk about it and make a big deal about it and to me it was over and done with because I lived in the moment and this was a problem for everyone around me. I cannot imagine how much gaslighting I must have been doing growing up and how many times I must have invalidated feelings. Just because something wasn’t a big deal to me, I couldn’t understand why it would be a big deal to someone else and why they were still obsessing over it so I made it be their problem. This is a common characteristic in BPD and NPD. Gosh no wonder so many kids thought I was mean and selfish and not caring. I looked normal and looked like everyone else. I didn’t even look like I had problems so how would the other kids know I had problems?

But no one around me was stupid because they remembered and knew it full well happened even if I denied it or didn’t make a big deal about it and got annoyed with them when they would obsess about it.

Do people with NPD and BPD live in the moment? I don’t think so. I think it’s just about avoiding responsibility and them thinking it’s not their fault.

And because my mother did drill into my head about just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it never happened, I did start to believe things I did other kids would tell me I did so for two years I believed I shoved a plastic fork in a kid’s neck and it stuck there. Why? Because other kids told me I did it but then in my Freshman year, a boy told me at a dance party that never happened and the kid just made it up to make himself look cool. So after that I am back to trusting my own thoughts and not believes what people tell me about myself. It’s either pics or it didn’t happen. If it’s anything minor, I won’t argue about it and deny it because it wouldn’t be worth fighting about.  My mom told me years later in my adult years that if she had known about the fork incident, she would have told me it never happened because if it did, I would have been charged with assault and taken away and be put in a juvenile detention center.



A discovery about Jayden

Saturday, August 20th, 2016

On Reddit someone asked what happened to the person who took your virginity. Last time I saw my ex online, he was living in Bigfork, Montana and last time I looked his mother up, she was divorced and working as an artist. I decided to try googling his name to see if I find anything. I narrowed the search to his name and town name and I found a court document about his parents. Why was it even online is beyond me. So I read it and it was about their divorce and saying when they married and separated and they never had kids together, the husband had two from previous marriage and the mother only had Jayden who was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and lives in a one bedroom apartment and his mom helps him with daily assistance.

My mom had been right about him possibly being a schizophrenic and I had started to wonder years later if he was somewhere on that spectrum. I also thought he might have been borderline retarded and wondering if he was some sort of sociopath since he was a user and a bum. So I looked up paranoid schizophrenia to read more about it to see how much of him was the illness or just him and it’s hard to say. I do wonder though.

It said they lack interest in daily living, my ex stopped showering and brushing his teeth and was always on the computer and never got off.

He had no interest in working and wanted everything handed to him and he believed the government owned everything and could just take it from you and the government paid people to assassinate someone if they knew something they didn’t want them to know about. I knew then his thinking was weird and I didn’t like how he would get an idea in his head and believe it without finding any proof first. He had some bizarre thoughts.

My mom thinks he didn’t know how to interact with people even though me and him always talked and we also argued a lot too and we did go out and do stuff together.

He claimed he didn’t know the months in order and his seven days of the week and he said to remember how to do things, he has to do it over and over none stop and he told me he wouldn’t be able to remember how to get to McDonalds so I would still have to take him to work anyway even if he had his license. Then he changed his story to he can remember everything fine and won’t need a job coach for employment. He even denied telling me he has to do something over and over everyday for him to remember for 30 days straight.

He was naive so his cousin ripped him off and one of his friends. They stole from him and they said his games and computer were stolen from them but I think that’s a lie. I think they stole it themselves and pawned them off and his cousin really did pawn off his video games because they were in the computer system in the game store at the mall when we talked to the cashier while I was purchasing something. But my bullshit meter went off when Jayden told me his friends said his PC was stolen out of their apartment. I found it unlikely someone would go to their home and take only that and the fact why would they even go to that location just to break into an apartment. They lived in the country so theft is very unlikely.

He also thought I wanted him to cross the highway instead of the street that was between the gas station and supermarket and they were both on the same side of the highway.

He was a pathological liar, made excuses, and would say he did things when he really didn’t.

My mom mentioned he had a creepy look on his face when he would be at their house, it looked like a drug face, the look Dakota Fanning had on her face in Hide and Seek after she had witnessed her mother’s death.

My mother also mentioned the way he used his hands for gesturing was the way he did it she’s seen in people with schizophrenia.

I remember I had to nag him to do things like get ready to leave to see the movie Cars and nag him to get stuff done and he would say this was all retarded. I felt like I was taking care of a teenager and I was the mother nagging nagging nagging.

Perhaps he had gotten worse if his diagnoses is paranoid schizophrenia. I don’t know how much of his behavior was due to his illness when we were together. He came off as a user and someone who was trying to manipulate me and play mind games with me to get his way for his own good. He came off as someone who just didn’t simply want to work so he wanted everything handed to him and didn’t think money should even exist. He was very much of a communist but I knew his ideas wouldn’t work. He came off as someone who always made excuse after excuse blowing me off when I would try and help him and give him advice. He came off as someone who was too into being true into himself it made him an asshole and alienated him from his relatives and other people. He believed he had to change who he was if he had to change anything about himself such as cutting back on the teasing for me or removing his trench coat in 90 degree weather. But I don’t see him as a toxic guy nor as an abuser like I do with Jerry. I was also hurt by Jayden but he didn’t hurt me in the same way as Jerry did.

Well I got my answer for what was wrong with Jayden. Now I wonder if he was below average intelligent or was that also his schizophrenia. Even back then I felt like he often acted like his mind had been fried from weed. My mom felt the same way too about him. Now I know that was probably his mental illness and that is one of the things they rule out first before diagnosing schizophrenia.

But I was surprised with the label because I was expecting he had something lighter on the spectrum. He didn’t come off as he was hallucinating or being delusional and he never talked to himself nor shout out in the open air. He didn’t think people were spying on him nor were after him. He never did any false accusations on me except thinking his parents took all his money and spend it on their land which was Social Security money his mom got for him until he turned 18 because his bio dad killed himself. But like I say, he had probably gotten worse and schizophrenia is something that gets worse. He might have been at his early stages of it and he stopped brushing his teeth and showering when we were together. Then when I saw him in December of 2006 that year after we broke up, his hair was a mess and I could tell he had showered but didn’t brush it after he got out. I thought it was due to laziness. I did try to stay friends with him but it didn’t work out and I was less interested in seeing him and we still talked online and then I didn’t see him online anymore and he took me off his myspace friends because I had changed my name and he didn’t know it was me. I chose to not re add him and he didn’t bother re adding me. We just drifted apart. Then he tried to add me as a friend on Facebook in 2009 but I didn’t accept his request because I didn’t think it would be right to be his friend if I was still saying bad stuff about him because our relationship wasn’t good and he was a crazy ex. There was nothing positive to say about him. Only way to not say bad stuff about him is to pretend I never had a relationship with him and lie to the whole world about how many ex’s I have had pretending he never existed in my life. That means being silenced about my personal experience and what my first ex was like.

I have no idea what he is like today like how functional is he, what does he do now and is he working, does he drive. What things does his mother help him with. Does he still have friends. Is she in charge of his money. But it’s great he has support from his mother even though she isn’t able to work full time because she has to take care of him. Perhaps she can get him a caregiver or ask for help from the state. My mom says he would have destroyed me and I told her about this and she read the court document and she couldn’t believe they had it online for everyone to read. She said to me “Aren’t you glad you aren’t with him, can you imagine, he would have been too much for you to handle.” Even when I was with him, my mental health was going downhill and it was affecting my employment and my functioning and when I realized how much happier I was without him around, I broke up with him and I was seen as the bad guy by some people. They felt threatened when i would tell them the reasons why we broke up because they would ask. This is why people don’t tell you why they break up, they don’t know if you will judge them or not and side against them. Instead they leave their answers vague and don’t give you any detail no matter how much you ask.

When I was with Jerry, my self esteem was going out the window and I was feeling retarded and I was feeling crazy. With Jayden it was zoning out of reality where my co workers had to say my name several times to get my attention and I was finding myself in places and not even remembering why I was there. One time I realized I was in Wal-Mart and I couldn’t even remember how I got there and then I remembered I was there for cat food. I was told this was depression and I was told the loud bass at home was affecting my hearing so I was not hearing people at work when they would give me instructions and say my name. Jayden always had those big speakers connected to his computer so it was lot of bass he had from his game when he would shoot other people in the game. He had it on all day long and never stopped playing until like three in the morning and then he would get up around ten and play it again and repeat.  So with Jayden I was only losing my concentration and focus on life and zoning out and it impacted my work performance but luckily everyone there was patient with me and they knew it was my ex. My boss told me there she knew I would get smart when i told her the boyfriend was gone because I dumped him.

I just couldn’t help him when I tried and he got worse and he was getting worse. I couldn’t be his caregiver 24/7. I remember him telling me I gave up on him. Back then I didn’t know. I just thought he was lazy who didn’t want to help himself and he wanted me to take care of him. Maybe that is what he meant by I gave up on him. I did give up on him. He couldn’t get better and I am not his caregiver. Schizophrenia is something that gets bigger and he wasn’t getting any treatment and not on any medication. He didn’t think he had a problem. I wonder if he is getting any now.




What would happen if…

Tuesday, November 24th, 2015

What would happen if someone lacked cognitive and effective empathy?

This was a question that was asked online. But according to google search, both these terms mean the same thing. But anyway the person wanted to know what if someone lacked cognitive empathy like an aspie but also lacked effective empathy like someone with antisocial personality disorder.

Here was my response to it:

I think I may have known a few people like this. These people tend to be very toxic and be abusive and then they never seem to get your perspective or even care about your feelings when you tell them. It’s always your fault and your fault for how you feel and your feelings are never their concern. But yet they can act nice at the same time and seem like very nice people but they have no filter and no tact. These people I try to avoid and I am sad to say I have known a few ASD people like this. They fit my mom’s stereotype of what AS is and yes there are actually some aspies out there who are like that. Would I still accept this flaw in them and out up with it, absolutely not. They truly don’t care and think it’s your problem, not theirs so they don’t really care for isolation and all their social difficulties because it’s everyone’s fault, not theirs. They are like their own worst enemies. Even the word narcissist comes to mind for these people and that is also a characteristic for NPD.

According to google search, effective empathy and cognitive empathy are both the same. :/

Sadly the more I think about it, the more I realize I have known people like this. Jerry was one of them, he had no empathy and he believed in humiliation and shaming (don’t lot of people?)and making others feel bad if it’s the truth. I also knew someone else with an ASD who was also like this but I won’t say who this person was because that person is very well known in the ASD community an I don’t want to get any gruff for saying bad things about that person. Also from my personal experience with these sort of people, they also tend to be hypocrites and they throw it back at you when you try to show them their double standard and what they are doing. They truly do not care. I have also met some online like this also and I don’t see them as acting any different than bullies who go “you are just too sensitive” or people who play that card to get away with being hurtful and people who claim they don’t sugar coat things when they mean they won’t be tactful and they also say how honest they are being when they mean they will just be hurtful. I do think people use honesty as an excuse to be a jerk.

But I remember I was in a chat room months back and there was a person in there who also had AS and a new person told her how rude she was to him in one of his threads. She was like “I was” and he shows her the thread where she was rude and she was totally shocked she came off that way and said how her husband tells her she has no tact and her family says the same thing but she apologized. This told me she really does care and doesn’t want to hurt people or be rude to anyone. I have seen her say in a thread online how she is seeing someone for her speech so I can assume she might be working on this flaw so she can get along better with people and she doesn’t want to be this way so that does show the difference. But there are some out there who do not care so they will not make any effort to change so in a way they do choose to be this way. They are making that choice to be this way. They may think it’s other peoples problem but I think it’s their problem and if I see any of them complain about not being accepted and blaming their autism or their poor social skills and how “narrow” NTs are and “judgmental,” I might just scream because the hypocrisy and the irony is killing me. It is a possibility these people can also be narcissists. Who says you can’t have both? Also how do I know they are not self diagnosed or how do I know they don’t have an ASD? If it’s on the internet, I wouldn’t even know. They could just be wrongly diagnosed with an ASD or they could be self diagnosed but don’t really have it. The same can be said about real life. How do I know this person I knew isn’t a pathological liar, how do I know that person isn’t lying about their medical history or lying in their blog? I have seen some ASD people say how NT that person acts ad how they think they don’t think that person has autism. Also how do I know my ex wasn’t faking Asperger’s? Thins may not have added up about how he got tested for it and how he didn’t get the $300 from his grandparents to get the DX so how do I know he really had it? Just because someone says they do doesn’t mean they do. You can choose to believe them or not. Yeah it sucks to be falsely accused of faking something but I try to not let it bother me if it happens because I know anyone can make stuff up by claiming to have it so people feel justified with their accusation and they don’t care if they are wrong or not. If you are toxic, they don’t care if you have it or not and they don’t care if they are wrong. I also think it has to do with the stigma so to fight that stigma they will doubt your autism if you are toxic. I don’t really agree with all this undiagnosing stuff people do on the internet or in the media or in real life because of their bias about autism  even though there have been two times where I have actually thought someone didn’t have it because those people were so toxic so I felt they acted bad enough for me to decide they don’t have it. Besides none of these people were diagnosed and one of them did manage to get the diagnoses after he had been diagnosed with NVLD but he said they were wrong. I also think this other person was a narcissist. I don’t know if Jerry ever managed to get the diagnoses too but I know he has told other people he had it.

I remember asking my mother about what Asperger’s really is and what would I have been like if I had lot of it and she said I would probably be hurting peoples feelings and go “so” when they tell me. the way she described it made it sound like I would have been an asshole, been like Cruella De Vil minus the fur clothing and killing animals. I asked my school counselor what is the difference between normal people doing it and someone with AS. Does that mean Cruella also has it because she does’t care about other people? My school counselor told me she just chooses to not care about people, she is aware of their feelings, she knows she is hurting them but she doesn’t care. People with AS don’t realize it; they are not aware of your feelings or even understand so it’s not a choice they are doing. But even some on the spectrum have told me my mom was describing psychopathy. So that shows not all of them are this way. I don’t think Jerry was one, I think he was a narcissist and that is also a characteristic. APD (or ASPD), NPD, and BPD share the same symptoms.

Now my question would be how can you tell if someone is really aware or if they don’t truly understand? Even narcissists don’t truly understand so what is the difference?



Sometimes I am the wrong person to mess with

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015

I have posted about accidentally getting my school counselor fired and losing his license because of my constant questioning and trying to understand things.

I have made many posts about my ex boyfriend Jerry already and I just couldn’t keep anything to myself because I always had to call my parents on the phone to talk to them and anything I am upset or frustrated about I had to go to them. This would upset him because his fear was me making him look bad and it turns out his fear was correct and he was trying to cut me off from my parents so I bet he had on his list now as a red flag is someone who has to call their mommy and daddy on the phone to talk about their problems. But thanks to this, they were always there for me and that also meant my ex could never get my parents so side against me and make me look crazy and they would always be around to rescue me and I don’t even know if he is that kind of person to make your whole family believe you are crazy and side against you. Also  was able to confirm that this wasn’t all in my head about him being abusive when my mom told me some stories like how I called her one night and I was crying and then I hung up because I saw he was coming and also the time when she would hear him argue with me in the background and we would both fight and my parents would come to town to “visit” my aunt and uncle but they were just there to check up on me and I bet that made it hard for my ex.

I once got a mod fired because she deleted my account and that was also unplanned. I had not talked about it in years because it’s something controversial and I was seen as the bad guy for it. I think it was my OCD that did it because I couldn’t stop obsessing about it and dwelling on it so I kept on talking about it and it was hard for me to move on because when I am wrongly accused of something or treated very badly and unfairly, I get very upset and it’s hard for me to let go and then I saw my account was deleted and my other one so I had to ask the forum admin about it and I showed him and then he asked if he can call me back. Yes I had his phone number because he had it posted on his forum and also PM some members his phone number. Three hours later he calls me back and says it looks like someone deleted it and I knew right away who it was. He thought so too and I remember another user posted a thread on the forum about missing accounts and I created a new account to tell about the injustice and I was expecting my post to be deleted but it wasn’t and then the forum admin said he had demodded all his mods until he figures out the issue and I had all the former banned members come back to tell their side of the story and how they were also wrong but instead it turned into them attacking the mods. It was a big drama and I remember there were both threads about it and the drama happened in both. There was also a discussion bout it on a different forum that was a spin off from the other forum the incident happened on. One of the mods saw it and thought I had an agenda and thought i was contradicting myself when on the other forum I seemed concerned about my account but on the other forum I seemed happy that the mod was caught. Of course I was happy. But yet the mod thought I planned for the other mod to be demodded but I didn’t know what was going to happen honestly. My original plan was I was going to not post on that forum anymore but instead after the moderator purge ended, all the mods got their tools back except for that one mod who deleted my accounts and I ended up staying because she was no longer a mod so I felt safe again. She had done her crazy antics to other members as well and her doing it to me one day really proved to me how right other people were about her with their stories. But what did I do, I got excited and threw a party on the autism forums about her being demodded all because of my complaint caused it and I have always been helpless and people can see I am someone to mess with because I can’t fend for myself very well and this time I felt like victory and didn’t feel helpless but yet I was seen as the bully for sticking up for myself. I even posted my PM chat about her I had with the forum mod to show how crazy the mod is because she had told the admin that this one banned member came to her home and took stuff from it and he was asking me about it. But this banned member lived all the way in England so he was teased about it by the forums members on Intensitysquared. I wanted to move on from the incident but because of my own OCD, it made it hard, the feelings were still there and it was over but I still felt wrong so I did two impersonations, I did one on the mod and on her friend who sided with her and didn’t believe me when I told her she deleted my accounts so I showed her proof and she acted dumb about it because she still denied it. On intensitysquared (I2 for short) impersonations are normal there, it’s done as a joke so I did it there. But doing that still didn’t make me get over it and it took me over a year to get over it and it was until around October 2011, when one of the new former mods decided to post one of the mod logs onto that forum from the other forum and it took place right after the moderator purge so it was from February 2010. I read the comments in it and I saw lot of things said about me were not true by two mods and they were just paranoid and I think any current mod who reads it would know. It did show me there was mod corruption on the forum, they really did moderate what members did on other forums (I got locked out of my account after I posted about the nasty PM on I2 I got from the moderator on the other forum which is known as the silent ban), also it looked like the two mods thought I had an agenda in my posts just because i was a member on I2 so I could understand now why some members would leave that forum and not post there again. They probably knew it could get them into trouble on the other board based on things they write over on I2. I was naive to think that moderators would keep things separate on each forum. Just as long as you follow the rules on their forum and behave, it wouldn’t matter what you do somewhere else because they would see that but how wrong I was. I was also blamed for an account there that was never mind because back in 2007, someone opened an account impersonating me and the admin thought it was me. I let it go because I didn’t think it was a big deal because I was still there and I wasn’t penalized for it so it was nothing to be upset about. How wrong I was because I think it did contribute to the problems I had on the forum and the other mods even thought I had another account there that was also not mine because someone else opened that account using the same avatar I used, and reading the mod log, it looked like they thought I had more accounts because it sounded like every time they got a troll, they thought it was me. Also any time someone from I2 would come to the other forum to troll, the mods assumed I was behind it and that i knew about it but usually I didn’t know about it until after it happened and also when I did know sometimes, i stayed out of it because i didn’t want to rat and cause trouble for myself. So me being a member on I2 is what got me into trouble on the other forum and contributed to the nasty PM and also the mod claimed I broke lot of rules and I was like what. I was only given like five warnings in 2009 because i didn’t realize what I was doing fell under one of the rules like for example I learned that posting a link to another forum is considered an attack on other forums. I also learned that posting a thread asking what member has the most severe Asperger’s is considered an attack even though members on that forum talk about how much they love their autism and wouldn’t cure it but yet talking about who is the most severe is an attack? Even one of my online friends thought it was a double standard. I also learned that talking about William Fuend is considered provoking members but yet I see that same mod talk about him, the one she gave me a PM about and got nasty with me. What a hypocrite. I was expected to know everything that fell under the rules and it was on an autism forum and I was expected to think like an NT. But I kept falling into loopholes because I didn’t realize something would be considered an attack or a provoke. Also I learned in the mod log that I was allowed to get away with breaking the rules because one of them wrote how I had just broken a rule and there was no point in warning me about it because I wouldn’t take notice. I felt cheated because they had let me think I was doing fine on the forum and it made me wonder what other rules was I breaking I didn’t know about. But I did find out that apparently lot of rules I broke were things I did on I2 and just where in the rules was it listed that the forum rules apply everywhere else on the internet? Do they also apply in real life too? So what happens if I got into a disagreement with a member on that forum so I randomly run into that person in a store and bring it there and say things to her I wouldn’t have been able to say on the forum due to the rules. After finding this out, it eased my OCD and that obsessive thoughts went away because of the closure. But yet I notice the rules change on the forum whenever we get new mods because of the interpretation of the rules. I also heard that lot of banned members were able to get back on the forum and I was also told that the reason why the mod was demodded was because lot of members complained to the admin about her and I guess that was enough for him to listen so I didn’t just cause her to get demodded because I wouldn’t have caused it alone. What if I didn’t go OCD over the nasty PM, I wonder if that moderator would have still been a moderator but I think she would have eventually lost her mod position like the other two did who were also corrupted. I know I wouldn’t have alerted the admin about my missing accounts if it weren’t for me dwelling on it because my accounts would have still been there if I didn’t obsess about it. But I always have had a hard time with injustice and people being very nasty to me.

There was a talk in our autism group about it about how we process our emotions and I didn’t tell them any of this stuff and how it affects me and tell them about the time when someone else in the ASAN group verbally attacked me and started cussing me and screaming and never apologizing so it took me a while to get over that too and I didn’t tell them about this and that person proved to me how justified I am with my social anxiety because whenever I get rejected, it’s traumatizing because then I am scared of screwing up and getting someone mad and I feel bad about myself because I am reminded how much I suck in social skills. I also didn’t tell them about how hard I took it at 14 when some woman on the bumper boats called me a bitch because I got her wet unintentionally and when I was 15 when my dad’s cousin told me how selfish I am and how my grandfather has a bad heart and I take off running and he could die of a heart attack if I get him so upset. Then after that I never wanted to be around my grandfather again because i didn’t want to get him upset he dies of a heart attack. She had destroyed the relationship between us two. but there is a different between a 14 year old and a 29 year old and a 15 year old and a 29 year old. These might have just been a normal reaction for a teenager but if I had done them as an adult, then it would be a problem. Even my mom wouldn’t want my brother’s ex’s girlfriend to be real nasty with me like she has with other people or it would really hurt me. I was even hurt when my ex blew up with me over the phone about my Dish Network thing he had they wanted back which I explained in my previous blog post and it was so upsetting I was scared of him so I couldn’t even get my other stuff back and my paycheck or the money he owed me for Dish Network, we were supposed to be splitting the bill.

I don’t remember the percentage but I read that 30 percent of autistic people also have OCD. I have noticed that when one gets treated unfairly, they really stick to it and it’s hard for them to let it go. Sometimes it traumatizes them. One woman said in my group that if someone got mad at her and started screaming at her in her front lawn, she would be so traumatized and very upset she wouldn’t be able to leave her house because of the incident she would be reminded of. She just cannot go back to the spot where the bad incident happened so if it happened where she always went to or even in her front yard, it would be very bad and it would change her routine. I don’t think I am that extreme because if an incident happened I wouldn’t be able to not go back to the spot because I know it won’t happen again because it was just being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I remember being at a mall with my son when he was two and he and other kids were running and swinging their hands at each other and grabbing each other and another parent got mad at me about it and blaming my son saying he is beating other kids up and I had been watching him and I never saw him beat anyone up and I saw other kids touching him too so why the double standard. But sadly I failed to point this out so instead I grabbed him and left because I don’t like confrontations. But I can still go back to that play area even though I remember the incident. But what if the parents were just screaming at me and raising their voices and insulting me? Would I still go back to that spot? But I didn’t have any good stories to tell like the other two did. I have always been more sensitive so maybe that is a part of the Asperger’s. But I also feel I got less sensitive because I am not going to get upset anymore if I am called retarded or stupid and dwell on it and I have seen some tough aspies online who don’t get upset what is said to them or get upset over drama but that is online, in real life they could be very sensitive souls while online they are tough because they are anonymous and they can’t see those people or their body language.

Also a shocking thing I had learned in 2010 is when you get very upset about being accused of something you didn’t do, it makes it look like you did it. I do not understand why someone wouldn’t be upset if they were accused of something they did. Getting accused of something you didn’t do is very upsetting and it sucks to be punished for something you didn’t do. It would even upset my husband too very much because he would get in trouble for things he didn’t do but it turned out he was having seizures and they didn’t know about it so is possible my husband did do things during a seizure and then had no memory of it so it was upsetting to get in trouble for something he didn’t do he thought. I was in the moment person as a child so I am sure I got very upset as well when I would get in trouble for something I thought I didn’t do. Just the stories my mom told me, with the tone of her voice, it sounded like I was getting very upset when I was being accused of doing something when I would in my room playing with Barbies and there I was being told I am in the sandbox kicking over a sandcastle when my mom was actually talking about me doing that while she and my father were gone. The problem was I was visual so my mom couldn’t use words to tell me that this happened while I was in the sandbox, not now so she had to draw pictures about my whole day and have me draw about my whole day until we got to that part. Doing this taught me some abstract thinking and I don’t need pictures drawn anymore. Now what would my life have been like if my mom just assumed I didn’t care about the rules and that I was a liar because I was denying things I did? What if she had assumed I was defiant? What would my life have been like as an adult?

My Ex-Boyfriend’s Karma

Tuesday, August 11th, 2015

It took me eight years to realize he was a covert narcissist. When we were together, he treated me horribly. Made fun of the music I liked, my AB/DL side, called gays faggots, and told his son everything about me as a way to make fun of me and humiliate me. He also complained about how homosexuals shoved their “lifestyle” in his face. He was also controlling and he was not a good person. There is more.

Now fast forward eight years later, I look on his Facebook page. I see she is a woman now so she had transitioned. I figured that was part of the problem in our relationship, she was trans so she didn’t accept herself and it affected how she behaved. But I read her page and I see her life had not turned out good. I also look up her new name and see she is in a group on Facebook and here is the ironic thing, she is fighting for LGBT rights and wanting to be accepted but she got rejected by her own uncle and he wouldn’t give her her grandparents house like they promised back in the year 1999 because she is trans. Back when we were together, she didn’t like the homosexuality rights movement and called it shoving it in her face, here she is doing the same thing with her transgender, “shoving it in our faces” and she also claims to be bisexual and lesbian. I find this all ironic and I bet she sees now what the gay rights movement was all about and how homosexuals just can’t date other genders. Another thing, she is also suffering from Multiple Scoliosis so she can no longer work and back when we were together, she told me how being homeless should be illegal and they should all be put in jail. I told her making it illegal wouldn’t do any good and I bet homeless people would be happy to be in jail because of shelter and free food and anyone can get homeless and I explain why. She tells me I am self centered and have to be right. Here she is now homeless so she has to live with her father now. If it weren’t for him, where would she go? The streets? Also she said she is so lonely.

Looking at myself, my life turned out good, I met a great guy, got married, had two children and what does she have? No one and unemployed and no custody of her son.

My husband sometimes teases me about getting revenge on her and I tell him I don’t need my revenge, I already got it. She got karma and I got a good life. Of course she might find a way to make it not be so good if she knew. She always found a way to be negative. Sometimes I do wonder if she ever still reads my posts online or has ever came across my other blog or ever seen my Facebook. But I have never had any contact with her in eight years.