Archive for the ‘parenting’ Tag

My son refusing to read and do math

Tuesday, June 26th, 2018

My son is always finding shortcuts or the easy way out. He can read and knows his alphabet and sounds but his reading is at the kindergarten level. He is going into the second grade and I am, worried about him. Second grade has a lot of reading and once I started it, I picked up on reading quickly because lot of subjects required reading despite my poor reading comprehension so I always got Cs, I would be lucky if I got a B. But my son is so willful. He will not read at all. He won’t read a book, won’t do math work he thinks has a lot of problems. I have tried paying him to do it, I have tried rewards, I have tried to take away electronics and all privileges and nothing works. He just mopes and acts up. I have tried computer games, tried this circus game the eshop has on the 3DS and he just doesn’t like to think hard. I caught him doing the easiest levels in the game and I told him that didn’t count because it was just giving him the answers and that isn’t teaching him to read or do math. Also when he does decide to read a book, he keeps picking the same ones he’s already read and he won’t read any new books.

I wonder how he is going to survive second grade when there will be lot of reading and writing and I might have to hold him back or move him to the first grade but then that means he will be eight in first grade.

My son also wants to be perfect and not make mistakes so he refuses to read new material saying it’s too hard. I tell him he is going to mess up and that is okay because it’s part of learning. He is going to say words wrong and mispronounce them but that is part of learning to read. That is how you get better and it becomes easier and easier.

Right now my son is doing literally nothing because I tell him he can’t do anything until he reads a book he hasn’t read yet.

I wasn’t this difficult as a child, when my mom told me to read a book, I would read a book and I also had to pick out a book I had not read yet. When she would have me do a workbook, I would do a couple of pages and I would be done. I didn’t fight it and I would be done in like a half hour. But not my son because he makes it last all day until i go to work because he fights it. Then he blames it all on me because I “wasted his day.” I have even tried books that were his interest and that didn’t work either, “too much words” even though the book is level 1. I even tried the library and he was enthusiastic and said he would read books he checks out but he then didn’t want to read them when I brought them home. Instead he only wanted to read the baby books his little sister checked out and then only wanted to read those because they had very little words each page.

I refuse to give into my child and I won’t let him cheat or take any short cuts. Even ABC Mouse doesn’t teach him to read because all it does is read to him, it doesn’t make him read the words nor does it teach him sounds and spelling. All it does is teaches him subjects. Not reading or math.

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My son said something intellectual

Tuesday, November 28th, 2017

I picked my son up from school and we were listening to the Rugrats Christmas album. He asks me about what was it like when Tommy had no friends. I tell him there was never a time when he didn’t have any. He asks me about his age and when they first met and his birthday. I tell him Tommy turned one in the very first episode and all the other babies were there and Angelica and she always wore diapers over her pants. I never underdtood it but she doesn’t wear them anymore in the later seasons starting with the second one. She also has a birthday in the later seasons around season 3 and she turned three so that would have made her two and a half in the early seasons. But I never understoid diaper over her pants part and everyobe always said it was underwear. No it wasn’t because it was a diaper.

Now here is the good part, my son tells me diapers are a type of underwear. I play dumb and ask him “Who told you that?” And he said he just knows. I say I didn’t know that and he told me babies wear underwear but that is their underwear.

My daughter got a new bed

Friday, February 17th, 2017

She had been climbing out of her crib lately and I lost the piece to unscrew the screws in the IKEA crib. My mother in law and her daughter brought over a toddler bed they bought for our daughter. The following day I took the crib down using a tool and it fit with the IKEA screws and I stuck them all in a baggie. Then I put the toddler bed together and I used a regular screw driver because of the kind of screws they were. But I couldn’t fit the sides on properly so I left them off and my daughter loves her new bed. She was so happy to have it.

 

It doesn’t have to be intentional for it to be abuse

Sunday, November 13th, 2016

This is controversial because many people will disagree that abuse can be unintentional. I have talked about before in this blog how I can see myself doing financial abuse due to my money anxiety so that was why my husband took over the finances. I was driving him crazy with my anxiety about money he felt he couldn’t live a life because I would freak out if I found out he had spent a dollar and I was already talking about taking away his cards so I wouldn’t have to worry about him spending any money and having anxiety. This wasn’t about control, it was about my comfort zone and to relieve my anxiety to make my life calmer and to feel in control of my life again because of the unknown and my husband wasn’t supporting that. This is an example of unintentional abuse and how a mental illness or a disorder can attribute to abuse.

What about a parent who isn’t aware their kid has a disability because they look normal and seem normal. Asperger’s is a hidden disorder and so is ADHD and anxiety and other things that makes the kid act different. So what if the parent was unaware their kid had anxiety so they were always getting mad at them for their fears and over reaction and calling them a baby and forcing them into situations they feel uncomfortable in. At age six I was forced to ride on a big ferris wheel and my mom and dad didn’t care about my fear of it and the reason why I was scared was because I was worried it would give me this feeling in my stomach that some rides give you and I didn’t like that feeling and I had been on a ferris wheel that gave me that feeling so I felt too nervous to ride on one again that went too high up. Lot of people will agree that it is cruel to scare your child but that is what my parents did to me, they scared me and forced me into something I feared and got mad at me for crying and for being scared and didn’t give rats ass. I would call this unintentional abuse. I don’t think they did it to be cruel. Most people are not afraid of ferris wheels so how were they supposed to know my fear was real? They were ignorant then. My dad is still ignorant about my anxiety. I don’t fear ferris wheels anymore. Back then being forced on it was like walking the green mile or walking to the torture device because you know what is going to happen and you don’t know what is going to happen like how much pain you will feel, if it will hurt or not. That was how I felt going on that ride. I didn’t know how bad it would be, how much it will be scary and how bad the feeling in my tummy would be when we go down. I realize I probably did have anxiety as a young child but it wasn’t prominent then so no one knew. Instead I would be told to stop or being called a baby so therefore my feelings would be invalidated and I did feel then as a young child that my mom didn’t care about me. I just assumed then she knew because I didn’t know my feelings were not normal and my mom had assumed my feelings were normal but was over reacting or just whining. Ironically my mom is against people scaring kids and breaking them by making them fear you so they will listen but yet she did the exact same thing  to me when I was a kid. Then the time I didn’t have anxiety about being dumped on the side of the road because I figured I would just hitchhike home, my mom was mad because I didn’t have beg her to not leave me on the side of the road. Yes that is fear right there you are doing to your kids and you say it’s not good to scare your children?

Then there is ADHD. I can’t count how many times I have read online by people who grew up with undiagnosed ADD or ADHD, they always got in trouble for losing things and always got in trouble for not being able to sit still or pay attention or for forgetting things, etc. It was as if they were abused. I would call their abuse unintentional because no one was aware of their ADD then. I can’t imagine how hard their life must have been the the anxiety they must have had growing up and the low self esteem.

But because abuse implies intent, people will say they were not abused or say someone they know isn’t abusive because they know their partner or child doesn’t do it on purpose. Then of course when someone has a mental illness, their victims may still call them abusive and say their actions are intentional.

What about those who suffer from NPD or BPD, they tend to lack self awareness. They may not see themselves as being abusive. I noticed on the forum on Reddit by BPD victims that the borderliners tend to rewrite history so they have “amnesia” about their abuse they did to their child or partner. Jerry seemed to have rewritten hers when she said she did none of that stuff I said she did except for “taking too long” to give me back my Dish Network piece. Also people with BPD don’t realize they are being manipulative and may not see their behavior as manipulative because to their perspective they are just trying to get their needs met like everyone else. But that never matters to the victim. It only matters what the borderliner is doing, not their intention behind it.

Then there are people who have NPD and they also seem to lack awareness of their own behavior so to me it seems like their behavior is unintentional if they are unaware which is why it’s probably a disorder, an illness. Many people disagree that personality disorders are a mental illness and want to keep these separated from mental illnesses. But the truth is mental illness is also a spectrum. It can range from evil to none evil. Maybe people like to separate personality disorders from a mental illness because they don’t want the stigma on mental illness.

In a way I do feel sorry for those who have NPD and BPD because they are their own worst enemies and they didn’t choose to be that way and I can’t imagine having those disorders and hurting people and not even being aware and seeing myself as the victim. I cannot imagine having a disorder only to find out my own emotions are wrong and my feelings are wrong and not knowing when they are valid and not being entitled to them. We often hear that everyone is entitled to their feelings and that people should trust their gut instinct but that doesn’t seem to apply to those who have BPD. That only applies to “normal” people. Most stuff we read out there is aimed at normal people assuming whoever is reading it is “normal.”

I have anxiety but stuff I find online about what to do about yelling at your kids, none of the advice I read is helpful because it’s all about staying calm and stuff but what do you do if your kids are the ones giving you anxiety and you can’t be calm unless your kids stop? There is no parenting articles out there aimed at parents with autism or anxiety about yelling at your kids. And too much yelling is abuse so that would mean I am doing unintentional abuse.

Because abuse often implies intent and also has a bad stigma to it, no one wants to see themselves as an abuser even if their actions are abusive. Even the loved one doesn’t want to see their child or partner as abusive especially if they have trauma or a disorder or came from an abusive background themselves where they grew up around anger and abuse or neglect. I didn’t want to see Jerry as an abuser when I was with her so I always defended her and made excuses for her like she has anxiety, she is worried about what people might think of her, she has PTSD, she has AS so she is just being honest, her ex called her a pedophile so now she ignores me if I am not acting mature enough for her. But all that did was it hurt me and I let that all happen instead of sticking up for myself and now I have myself to blame. So that is why I will never ever let anyone abuse me again and no disorder or mental illness will change that and only their actions and how they treat me matter, not their intentions and I don’t care what their intentions are or if it’s on purpose or not. I need to care about my own mental health and protect myself from any abuse. I also need to stay away from anyone who is abusive. I still get triggers to this day from certain things I read when something reminds me of Jerry. I even had to block someone on a forum when she made a trigger post and what she was writing were similar feelings to what Jerry had so I took a great dislike to her and blocked her because she was triggering. But I wasn’t the only one who had blocked her because she had left that forum and I saw her posting elsewhere online saying she was ignored because people didn’t agree with her views. Her views? Is she shitting me, she was a bigot on ABDLs and then pulling the “I still love you” crap like Barney. Ugh.

Now here is an article that talks about unintentional abuse but it’s about parents doing it:

Understanding Unintentional Abuse

 

 

My daughter is sick

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

I now know why my daughter has been acting up and been so ruley lately and naughty. She was sick. I feel like a bad mother sometimes because I can’t even read these cues about how a child is feeling like if they are in pain unless they do a pain cry or if they are sick or what. I just cannot tell. But my husband made the appointment for Friday that same day and after I went to work, my mom took my husband to the appointment with my son and daughter and they were in the office and she was not happy. She even hit the doctor. It turns out she has two pink eyes and a ear infection and was given medicine for it. It was my mother who said she might have a pink eye and to make an appointment so my husband came and got me and I looked the number up online for the health clinic and my husband called and I gave him the health insurance card for my daughter.

Good thing I have other people around because I cannot imagine what would happen if my kids got sick and I couldn’t tell because of their lack of language skills to tell me. My son can talk but would he be able to really explain to me? My daughter isn’t able to tell me her eyes hurt or tell me her ear is sore and tell me how much pain she is in. I would end up neglecting my kids unintentionally and that is a form of abuse so it would have been accidental child abuse.

My son might not need an IEP

Tuesday, September 20th, 2016

If he keeps this up, he might not need one by next year.

My son has been enjoying school. He loves it. I have gotten no complaints from the teacher, he has been doing his school work and he’s told me he has been playing with other kids at recess. Today they played camping. Yesterday they played Zombie. I am so proud of him. I guess the doctor was right that he was just immature and he has made a big stride this past summer. That makes me think he doesn’t have ADHD. He has been doing better with taking care of his toys.

I shared with my mother today how good he has been doing in school due to no complaints so I think he might not need an IEP by next year. My mother of course disagreed and told me that my son told her the other day that he is too afraid to play out in the field because he might not be able to hear the bell. Instead of playing with the boys, he will stay and not play with them. I told her he could just follow the boys back to class and he would know when the bell has rung because he would see them leaving. My mom told me that is a good way of doing it but not for him because he is afraid he will be so into his game he won’t notice the bell. So I am seeing he is aware of his problem with over focusing and zoning the whole world out around him so he is too afraid of not coming inside when recess is over if the bell rings and he doesn’t hear it. My mom says he has some anxiety and she will address this with the teacher at the parent teacher thing tomorrow. I am working so I wouldn’t be able to go but my mom is going to take my husband there making it mandatory for him.

My mom also told me a funny story about this weekend. My son goes up to her and tells her “Mom won’t take me to school” and my mom goes “that is because there is no school today” and my son asks why and she tells him that the teacher isn’t there and my son asks “is she sick?” My mom goes “No, she is home and so are the other kids, none of them are in school today. It’s family day today, all the kids are having family day.” She also told him tomorrow will be family day too and all the kids will be home having family day. I told my mom I did tell him it was Saturday and you don’t go on Saturday. My mom told me he doesn’t understand  and doesn’t know his days of the weeks yet. My son was even ready for school that day and he came up to my mother telling her I won’t take him to school.

He really likes school.

Parents being illogical.

Monday, March 28th, 2016

We have a 3 year old boy and hes getting completely out of hand. It gets to the point where hes screaming, kicking, hitting, screaming “leave me alone”, all the time. Yes it is when he doesnt get what he wants or when we tell him to do something and he refuses. We have tried time outs, light spankings, sending to his room for the night, and our last resort has been taking away all of his movies and toys. But it doeant seem to phase him. Hes normally an amazing caring kid but this monster is taking over our lives and making me and my husband fight. He refuses to listen, and it seems all the punishing we do doesnt seem to work. I have super high anxiety and all this screaming thats coming from our son is ruining my mind. I need advice, i need some support and i need to vent. Is there anyone else out there that has had a similar experience that they feel goes beyond the “terrible twos or threes”? – ps sorry for errors and grammer im on my phone.

On Reddit this was posted by a parent. She posts about how nothing works for her child and he won’t listen and throws tantrums when he doesn’t want to do something they tell him to do. These all sound like concerns. Also the fact he is aggressive and she labels him as a monster and asks if anyone has similar stories about how they feel that goes beyond the terrible twos and threes. Another concern there.

So I said it looked like ODD to me and it’s time to talk to the pediatrician. I get 18 down votes so that is my record so far for down votes. People get offended over a label and a suggestion and even my responses are being down voted. Someone said it looked like a normal three year old to her and someone else told me ODD is too young to be placing on a three year old.

All these parents seem to be forgetting that the OP wrote this goes beyond the terrible twos or threes and why did she have it in quotes? Also why is she calling him a monster? Does this sound like normal behavior to anyone? It doesn’t to me if she is labeling him as a monster and saying it goes beyond the terrible tows and threes. Parents in the thread  are being illogical.

Hey if your kid is taking a step above the means, call their doctor, tell them your concerns, they may refer you to someone to get your kid tested and there might not even be a label. They may see some things and tell you what they recommend.

And I saw another poster ask if the parent is doing rewards for good behavior and made a comment about light spanking and then said to look out for ASPD. Two down votes.

But yeah read the post in the quote box and tell me what you think?

 

 

More abusive children

Sunday, January 3rd, 2016

This is why we have to often tell them no and not give them everything they want or else they turn into entitled brats and behaving like narcissists when they don’t get their way.

My son will call me a bad mommy whenever he doesn’t get his way and I just ignore it. I don’t give into the insults and this behavior is normal at this age when kids try to tell their parents how mean they are or how they hate them. My youngest brother used to just say he hates us and my middle brother didn’t really do that whenever things didn’t go his way. I don’t know what I did but my mom told me I would yell and scream and bite and scratch and she never gave in. My son will just act up and not listen and he will go “bad mommy” when he doesn’t get his way and I still don’t give into him. Do that in public, I don’t take him out again. He is stuck at home. I will even remind him this is why I don’t take him out whenever he starts acting up and I tell him I won’t take him out for a real long time if he doesn’t listen to me. I am not there to please my child or to make him happy or even there to be his friend, I am there to be his parent and do my job as one. If your kid never gets mad at you, you are not doing your job.

http://www.smh.com.au/national/she-terrorises-us-how-entitled-children-are-making-their-parents-lives-hell-20151218-glqtl0.html

Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/3yo9hu/childrens_behaviour_needs_addressing_or_parents/

 

This made me cringe because when I was reading it, I was thinking poor parents because I thought their kids were out of control so they were doing their best to keep them under control.

Before I had kids, I used to just think kids who acted that way was a result of bad parenting but after having my son, I see kids are sometimes beyond your control because they have their own personalities and their own attitudes and you can’t always control them. I have had to hold my son before and there is he struggling and screaming and I am having anxiety on the inside because I have no idea that I am being judged or not because of the way my son is acting. I have left places because of that behavior but this was an airport so what were the parents supposed to do? They maybe had a plane to catch so should they miss their flight? Maybe they are going to a  funeral? Maybe a wedding and they are taking their kids with to show them off and so their families can see them.

My son is full of energy so he gets rambunctious and bored. When he gets bored, he acts up and misbehaves and nothing can get him to calm down and to be good. That is why I avoid taking him out, I try to avoid long lines and I refuse to being him anywhere by myself because it’s too overwhelming. But yet he acts better when my husband is with so I know he can help it. My son has been upset when we would leave places and I would refuse to turn the stroller around and let him back inside because my mind was made up and he had disrespected me enough and wouldn’t listen to me so this was his lesson. But you can’t do that in a airport.

I sometimes do wonder if my mom is right that he has ADHD because that would explain his rambunctiousness and why he can’t wait and why long lines are hard for him while two year olds seem to have no problems waiting in long lines. My son just easily gets bored. I got bored when I was a kid and it was torture but I wouldn’t start getting hyper and acting up and being impuslive and running around like him and not listening. I think he can help it but it’s very hard because it is possible to finally break him but it’s very hard. see the My mistake of bringing my son to a Zelda concert. Why was I finally able to break him there? Because it was after remission and I sat in the empty seats this time where no one sat and I had power this time because I could remove him from the auditorium once it started again and I let him cry out in the lobby and scream because he wanted to go back inside and I wouldn’t let him. I was punishing him for not listening to me during the performance so we were now out there watching it on the screen. I told him he had to show me he could be quiet first and listen before we go back inside. So after a long time of his tantrum and then he was quiet because he was playing his 3DS, I reminded him of the rules again and I brought him back inside and right when he started to act up again, I told him if he didn’t sit still and be quiet, we would leave again and this time he was still as a statue. He did want to be there and the poor kid just looked bored because I made him sit still and follow the rules. I finally had power so he listened and could finally help himself all because there were all these empty seats which was a fortunate because it gave me power as a parent. But I did learn to never bring him to one of those things again unless it’s Disney on ice or a Children’s Play. He would have to show me first he could listen and be quiet and sit still before I take him to one of those things again where you have to be quiet and sit still and not move around in your seat and play in it and not make any sounds.

I used to think people were stupid and didn’t get it if they made me do certain  things before I was allowed to do something but now after having kids I get it now because I now want proof he can do it before I actually have him do something. I do not want to take risks and bring him somewhere only to waste money or to ruin it for others and I did think about leaving and was going to but couldn’t because I couldn’t get up during the performance with all the people in the way so that was why I sat in the empty seats with no one around and why I brought him to the lobby to teach him a lesson and I did feel bad for the people around me. What if they had just told me I can take him out and they get out of their seats to let us by and I would thank them for letting us get up during the performance because I was struggling to control him and to get him to listen and follow the rules. I didn’t yell or raise my voice. I never even take my son to movies because I worry he wouldn’t be able to sit still and be quiet and I miss half of the movie and money is wasted so before i would take him to any movies, he would have to show me at home he can sit still and be quiet by doing that during movies at home. Plus movies are expensive now anyway so it doesn’t matter because I wouldn’t be taking him there anyway. Maybe if it was a rated G movie that might be fine because it will be filled with kids and there will be talking and noise and it’s the time for parents to try and teach their kids movie theater rules and G movies are a start before they go to any PG movies. But I think my son would be more disruptive than other kids because he is so hyper and rambunctious and gets bored even if he does want to be there and see it. he has to be moving and making noise. when my son was able to be quiet and sit still at the concert I wonder how much energy he was actually putting into following the rules than being able to enjoy the concert because he had to use most of it on being still and quiet? Like my mom told me, it was all unfair to him and she agreed I did screw up and made a mistake. Then he had to get punished for it because I had to be consistent. Every time he wanted to play Mario Maker, I always had to remind him about the concert and his behavior there and that was why he didn’t have the game anymore so he understood why we didn’t have the game anymore because I had to tell him why by bringing up the concert and how he acted there.

 

But back to the Reddit post, the parents there chewed the OP out and he took it well. Then it was locked because it violated the rules there about creating drama. I was going to say that some kids are more rambunctious than others and parents can’t always control them no matter what they do so sometimes holding them is the only way to keep them from running around and what would he rather have, kids running around and parents doing nothing or having them do something about it by holding them down because that is the only way to keep them from running around. Kids are not puppets so they don’t always respond to punishment s or consequence no matter what you tell them at the airport. What kind of punishments can you give them there and what if there was nothing to take away to punish them? What if they don’t care about if you will take something away on the trip such as their game system or their favorite toy? What if they don’t care about a time out there? Also as someone else had mentioned, what if the children were special needs and were having a sensory overload?

 

My daughter’s first accident

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2015

I saw a wet spot on the floor so I thought my daughter had spilled something so I threw a towel over it. I smell it and it smelled different so I wondered if her diaper had leaked. I picked her up to check her diaper and saw she didn’t have one on. So that was the diaper she had handed me, it was hers she took off and I thought she had found it in her room or something my husband or my father had left in there when they changed her from last night. I noticed she had a wet spot in her night gown so I took it off and tossed it down the chute and my socks too. I put a clean diaper on her and put Hello Kitty duct tape around her diaper to keep it on. She tired to take it off still but couldn’t. I showed her her potty chair again and told her if she is going to be taking her diaper off, she should start peeing in this potty here, not on the floor. She instead kicked at it and picked it up and threw it on the floor.

Toddler logic, they don’t want to wear a diaper but yet they don’t want to use the potty.