Archive for the ‘borderline personality disorder’ Tag

Seeing the positives in my toxic ex

Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

So I am in a online group for people who are in a relationship or were in a relationship with someone with BPD. I can sometimes relate to them and lot of times I can’t because their ex’s are so different than my own and their stories are worse than mine. Someone decided to make a thread about trying to make negative memories into positive memories.

I made a post talking about what positives I saw in Jerry. I wrote  it taught me what my limitations were. It taught me what I can handle and what I will tolerate and what my boundaries are. It also taught me future red flags to spot a future toxic person. I also learned to never be a martyr and it won’t make you a bad guy for not tolerating such behavior in a person even if they claim to have a disorder. If they are not able to change that about themselves or even try, you won’t be the bad guy if you leave them nor does it make you not understanding. Being understanding does not mean tolerating abuse or letting them hurt your feelings or treat you a certain way. I also learned you shouldn’t just give someone a chance to change because what you see is what you get and don’t ever assume it will get better. If anything gets worse, don’t assume it will get better. This is what my ex taught me. Sure there were other positives like how special she made me feel when we met or how understanding she acted towards me and accepting and she had a very good sense of direction and had a GPS in her head because she used to work as a delivery person so she new the area well and she used that skill to avoid traffic because she didn’t like being stuck in traffic.

Edit: I also should add she also taught me how not to treat people so I will always use the Dish Network thing as an example about how I should just do things for people when they tell me how important it is because I don’t want them having anxiety and also giving them trouble and screwing them over because of me. Just because I don’t find it important doesn’t mean it’s not important for the other person. Do not be a Jerry. Also no making empty promises. Do not say you are going to do something if you have no intention of doing it or if you can’t do it because it’s too inconvenient for you or if you don’t think you can do it fast enough or can’t set a time to do it. So toxic people can be real good role models for how not to treat people and how not to act. That is how I always viewed Disney villains as a child. They taught me how not to act and how not to treat people. But do look at the good people and see how to treat people and how to act. If someone does something you don’t like, they had just taught you how not to treat people.

Abuse enablers due to mental illness

Monday, November 28th, 2016

I was on reddit and I found an interesting thread talking about an article about making BPD out to be empaths who don’t mean to be manipulative and evil because the OP was sick of those articles. I do think it’s great seeing things from a different perspective and knowing what is going on in their minds when they do their behaviors but it doesn’t mean their behavior is okay. It doesn’t mean we all have to sit back and accept their abuse and I know not all of them are that way because there are some out there who do go to therapy and really to work hard to change to be better people and to improve their relationships and I do see people posting online who say they have BPD but they act no different, there are even some on Wrongplanet who have that diagnoses too and they don’t act toxic and I am not going to judge them based on the label. I would rather judge them by their behavior they show and if it’s abusive or if they are rude or just a jerk or if they write about how toxic they are, I won’t like them. I will often hear bad things about them on the Reddit forum because it’s a place for people who have been hurt by them. It’s very similar to what I read about narcissism. Sometimes I will go to the BPD subreddit to see their stories and their perspectives and it also helps defeat the stereotypes of borderlines being all mean and evil and abusers and manipulators because not all of them are that way.

I did find this article which I found infuriating:

http://shrink4men.com/2014/07/30/going-mental-borderline-personality-disorder-enablers-and-apologists/

This would be a trigger to anyone who has been hurt by them. No one likes to be told to be more understanding and just accept the abuse because “oh they can’t help it.”

 

It doesn’t have to be intentional for it to be abuse

Sunday, November 13th, 2016

This is controversial because many people will disagree that abuse can be unintentional. I have talked about before in this blog how I can see myself doing financial abuse due to my money anxiety so that was why my husband took over the finances. I was driving him crazy with my anxiety about money he felt he couldn’t live a life because I would freak out if I found out he had spent a dollar and I was already talking about taking away his cards so I wouldn’t have to worry about him spending any money and having anxiety. This wasn’t about control, it was about my comfort zone and to relieve my anxiety to make my life calmer and to feel in control of my life again because of the unknown and my husband wasn’t supporting that. This is an example of unintentional abuse and how a mental illness or a disorder can attribute to abuse.

What about a parent who isn’t aware their kid has a disability because they look normal and seem normal. Asperger’s is a hidden disorder and so is ADHD and anxiety and other things that makes the kid act different. So what if the parent was unaware their kid had anxiety so they were always getting mad at them for their fears and over reaction and calling them a baby and forcing them into situations they feel uncomfortable in. At age six I was forced to ride on a big ferris wheel and my mom and dad didn’t care about my fear of it and the reason why I was scared was because I was worried it would give me this feeling in my stomach that some rides give you and I didn’t like that feeling and I had been on a ferris wheel that gave me that feeling so I felt too nervous to ride on one again that went too high up. Lot of people will agree that it is cruel to scare your child but that is what my parents did to me, they scared me and forced me into something I feared and got mad at me for crying and for being scared and didn’t give rats ass. I would call this unintentional abuse. I don’t think they did it to be cruel. Most people are not afraid of ferris wheels so how were they supposed to know my fear was real? They were ignorant then. My dad is still ignorant about my anxiety. I don’t fear ferris wheels anymore. Back then being forced on it was like walking the green mile or walking to the torture device because you know what is going to happen and you don’t know what is going to happen like how much pain you will feel, if it will hurt or not. That was how I felt going on that ride. I didn’t know how bad it would be, how much it will be scary and how bad the feeling in my tummy would be when we go down. I realize I probably did have anxiety as a young child but it wasn’t prominent then so no one knew. Instead I would be told to stop or being called a baby so therefore my feelings would be invalidated and I did feel then as a young child that my mom didn’t care about me. I just assumed then she knew because I didn’t know my feelings were not normal and my mom had assumed my feelings were normal but was over reacting or just whining. Ironically my mom is against people scaring kids and breaking them by making them fear you so they will listen but yet she did the exact same thing  to me when I was a kid. Then the time I didn’t have anxiety about being dumped on the side of the road because I figured I would just hitchhike home, my mom was mad because I didn’t have beg her to not leave me on the side of the road. Yes that is fear right there you are doing to your kids and you say it’s not good to scare your children?

Then there is ADHD. I can’t count how many times I have read online by people who grew up with undiagnosed ADD or ADHD, they always got in trouble for losing things and always got in trouble for not being able to sit still or pay attention or for forgetting things, etc. It was as if they were abused. I would call their abuse unintentional because no one was aware of their ADD then. I can’t imagine how hard their life must have been the the anxiety they must have had growing up and the low self esteem.

But because abuse implies intent, people will say they were not abused or say someone they know isn’t abusive because they know their partner or child doesn’t do it on purpose. Then of course when someone has a mental illness, their victims may still call them abusive and say their actions are intentional.

What about those who suffer from NPD or BPD, they tend to lack self awareness. They may not see themselves as being abusive. I noticed on the forum on Reddit by BPD victims that the borderliners tend to rewrite history so they have “amnesia” about their abuse they did to their child or partner. Jerry seemed to have rewritten hers when she said she did none of that stuff I said she did except for “taking too long” to give me back my Dish Network piece. Also people with BPD don’t realize they are being manipulative and may not see their behavior as manipulative because to their perspective they are just trying to get their needs met like everyone else. But that never matters to the victim. It only matters what the borderliner is doing, not their intention behind it.

Then there are people who have NPD and they also seem to lack awareness of their own behavior so to me it seems like their behavior is unintentional if they are unaware which is why it’s probably a disorder, an illness. Many people disagree that personality disorders are a mental illness and want to keep these separated from mental illnesses. But the truth is mental illness is also a spectrum. It can range from evil to none evil. Maybe people like to separate personality disorders from a mental illness because they don’t want the stigma on mental illness.

In a way I do feel sorry for those who have NPD and BPD because they are their own worst enemies and they didn’t choose to be that way and I can’t imagine having those disorders and hurting people and not even being aware and seeing myself as the victim. I cannot imagine having a disorder only to find out my own emotions are wrong and my feelings are wrong and not knowing when they are valid and not being entitled to them. We often hear that everyone is entitled to their feelings and that people should trust their gut instinct but that doesn’t seem to apply to those who have BPD. That only applies to “normal” people. Most stuff we read out there is aimed at normal people assuming whoever is reading it is “normal.”

I have anxiety but stuff I find online about what to do about yelling at your kids, none of the advice I read is helpful because it’s all about staying calm and stuff but what do you do if your kids are the ones giving you anxiety and you can’t be calm unless your kids stop? There is no parenting articles out there aimed at parents with autism or anxiety about yelling at your kids. And too much yelling is abuse so that would mean I am doing unintentional abuse.

Because abuse often implies intent and also has a bad stigma to it, no one wants to see themselves as an abuser even if their actions are abusive. Even the loved one doesn’t want to see their child or partner as abusive especially if they have trauma or a disorder or came from an abusive background themselves where they grew up around anger and abuse or neglect. I didn’t want to see Jerry as an abuser when I was with her so I always defended her and made excuses for her like she has anxiety, she is worried about what people might think of her, she has PTSD, she has AS so she is just being honest, her ex called her a pedophile so now she ignores me if I am not acting mature enough for her. But all that did was it hurt me and I let that all happen instead of sticking up for myself and now I have myself to blame. So that is why I will never ever let anyone abuse me again and no disorder or mental illness will change that and only their actions and how they treat me matter, not their intentions and I don’t care what their intentions are or if it’s on purpose or not. I need to care about my own mental health and protect myself from any abuse. I also need to stay away from anyone who is abusive. I still get triggers to this day from certain things I read when something reminds me of Jerry. I even had to block someone on a forum when she made a trigger post and what she was writing were similar feelings to what Jerry had so I took a great dislike to her and blocked her because she was triggering. But I wasn’t the only one who had blocked her because she had left that forum and I saw her posting elsewhere online saying she was ignored because people didn’t agree with her views. Her views? Is she shitting me, she was a bigot on ABDLs and then pulling the “I still love you” crap like Barney. Ugh.

Now here is an article that talks about unintentional abuse but it’s about parents doing it:

Understanding Unintentional Abuse

 

 

How to get misdiagnosed with BPD

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

I read that women are more likely to be diagnosed with BPD. I have thought of something.

What if Jerry ghosting me had traumatized me so much it made me fear abandonment so I was clingy to my husband and very needy and always wanted him around and never liked to let him out of my site. I always had to call him to be sure he was around because I was so worried about being ghosted again. Then let’s say I was seeing a therapist for this problem. I tell her this and then I tell her about my history. Psychologist visits always go over your childhood and history.

So what if I had said how suicidal I was in my teens and in 6th grade and always talking about killing myself and even threatening it and wanting to punish my family by wanting to kill myself so they will be sorry. Also what if I said I always talked about killing myself whenever I got mad at myself. Then what if I had talked about my self harm I did when I was 16 and show my three scars on my left hand. Then what if I had talked about the time I had nearly burned down the family barn because I was so upset because I lit the trash on fire next to the rotted wood from the rotted corals my parents had torn down. The trash and the wood had burned and then the grass burned too and it got near the barn and didn’t go any further.

What if I had also said my mom and others would say how I didn’t care about others but myself. The psychologist would see lack of empathy in me and me difficulty feeling it for others.

Now does this sound like BPD so far? Can you see how a therapist might think of me as having BPD and also the fact I am a female?

Also I can understand now that one website about how not to get diagnosed with BPD and how to get a different diagnoses instead. I think it could have been talking about how to avoid that misdiagnoses because it can look that way sometimes so hence the misdiagnoses.

Also I was very mad in my junior year of high school and hostility is one of the symptoms of BPD.

Also what if I had expressed how I fear rejection so I tend to avoid making friends and approaching people because I fear I would not be liked. This could be seen as a symptom of BPD for fear of rejection and fear of abandonment. Also what if I talked about both relationships I had with Jayden and Jerry, both were bad and unstable so that would be another strike against me leading to the diagnoses.

No doctor should be making a quick diagnoses and this is why. But the thing is I display none of this now except for fearing rejections and having two bad relationships and I didn’t need treatment for this to go away. So what would have happened if I had gotten diagnosed with this? The label would have followed me and it would have affected my doctor visits in the future because it would have been in the system about my list of disorders I have. They would have looked at me differently and affect how they approach me and maybe take me less seriously thinking it was the BPD talking. I think that is what that one article may have actually been about for how to avoid a BPD diagnoses. Plus if any doctor is quick you slap a diagnoses on you, find yourself a new doctor.

 

 

.

Appalling discovery

Monday, October 3rd, 2016

I was recently linked to a Twitter page on Reddit and I discovered people on there thinking personality disorders don’t exist and they are just made up for victims who went through trauma. I even found a blog from that Twitter page talking about how to manipulate the doctors to avoid a personality disorder label and how to get a different diagnoses instead. It tells you what to say and what not to talk about. I am not going to bother linking those pages because I don’t want the blogger to know I had posted their link here because WordPress does send you a notification you have been quoted or linked to another WordPress page and also I don’t want to direct any Twitter traffic to this page and have them see this post.

Also they don’t think BPD exists. They think they’re all just labels for victims but they had missed the point. People don’t get diagnosed with a personality disorder because they were a victim of trauma, they are labeled that way because of their unstable moods and emotions and how they handle their behavior and their personality and how much it holds them back and causes them an impairment in their daily functioning. Not all survivors get a personality disorder but I have read that a PD can be developed due to trauma but some people still get it without trauma. But I remember reading somewhere abused victims are more likely to develop unstable emotions and relationships and have unstable personalities. But isn’t the whole point in a diagnoses is to get the help and treatment they need? So they would go see a therapist that specializes in personality disorders but if they don’t think there is anything wrong with them, they won’t really get help for it.

But it did help me see their perspective about why they blame their problems on others and not take responsibility and why it’s always the other person’s fault and not theirs.  It’s sad how they don’t believe in their own diagnoses and they think it’s just a label. Yes you were abused and it’s not your fault but you are responsible for how you handle it now and what to do with your present time now and you are responsible for your behavior. There are plenty of abused people out there who don’t go around mistreating others and abusing them. They might have PTSD but that is about it. BPD can be treated and recovered from I have read. NPD can be recovered from too but that seems to be very rare. You always have the choice to recover and get control of yourself. That is something I learned on Dr. Phil and even Sarah Burleton said something about it too when she wrote a blog post about lot of people blaming their problems on their parents. While it is true that people do have problems due to their past abuse or how their parents raised them, they still have the choice about what to do about their life now and to change it instead of continuing to be a victim and not do a thing about it.

I don’t doubt there are some people who are a victim of a label because misdiagnoses do happen and sometimes abusers will gaslight and manipulate a doctor and they end up diagnosing a patient with a disorder they don’t even have because they believed that person over a patient. Then that label follows that person and people take them less seriously because they look at the diagnoses and think this is what is going on and think they are having a symptom again and not take them seriously. Same thing happens with other disorders too like with autism or Bipolar or anxiety. Then those people have to deal with it in the doctor’s office. They might be told they are just having anxiety when they talk about their feelings or personal experience or just be told they are having a mood swing or they are just missing social cues so people are acting the way they are so they must be doing something socially inappropriate. Unfortunately I feel my mom does this to me about my anxiety, everything is always anxiety. In high school I felt I couldn’t make any mistakes without it being called Asperger’s. I think the same thing can happen with OCD. If you like things neat and organized and get upset when other people don’t keep it that way, everyone blames it on the OCD and uses it to justify to not take you seriously. But if you have autism, people are more likely to follow your rules but if it’s OCD, it’s oh no you have to face your compulsion to fight it. But what if you just like things neat and organized and it has nothing to do with any anxiety and distress and any magical thinking, you just like it that way? But with OCD, people might just blame it on that and not take it seriously because they think that is just the OCD talking. I think I can understand what those people with PD’s are saying who don’t believe in that diagnoses, they feel invalidated when it’s blamed on a disorder and it affects how doctors treat them because of the diagnoses on their file. Instead of treating them like human like how they would treat anyone else with trauma without that diagnoses, they treat them differently.

There is a very bad stigma on personality disorders no one wants to have it so why would they want that diagnoses? Instead it’s so much better to have autism or anxiety or PTSD or OCD or Bipolar or schizophrenia and have it not be your fault but when you have a PD, it’s all your fault. PD’s are not treated the same as mental illnesses by doctors and society. Even people will say Ted Bundy was not mentally ill even though he was labeled as being a narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder but in my opinion anyone who likes killing people and getting a pleasure out of it is sick. But because he was a cold blooded killer, everyone just wants him to be evil than someone who was mentally ill and had a disorder that made him evil. No one wants murder to be linked to a mental illness so no one wants any killers to be mentally ill and if they have a personality disorder, no one wants it to be a mental illness so it’s often treated separately. No one wants to have sympathy for anyone with a personality disorder so they don’t see it as a mental illness even though they are one. Even victims don’t want their abusers to have a mental illness or some neurological disorder, they would rather have them have a personality disorder or else it would mean it’s not their fault and it’s the victim’s fault.

So I think I can see what those people are saying about PD’s and how it invalidates them. But then again they are still responsible, everyone is responsible regarding what disorder they have including non personality disorders. But no one is responsible for the abuse they went through as a child.

Regret vs Remorse

Sunday, September 25th, 2016

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201507/regret-vs-remorse

I found an article about Borderline and narcissistic regret vs remorse. My ex had told me in a comment here that she has BPD. That is very similar to NPD because they are often compared and people saying they are both the same to victims. Some don’t even know if they are both or which one they have because of the overlap.

I remember when I was on my ex’s Facebook page, I saw one where she said she lost the only woman she loved. I thought that was some joke and I wasn’t sure if she was talking about me. She could have been talking about someone else. She might have met another woman and lost her. But anyway the first thought that came to my head was “You ignored me so can she say she lost me?” Then I started wondering why she would quit answering her phone in the first place. Did she think I would stick around if I was being treated that way?

Also one of their hallmarks is their lack of truly being sorry. My ex was not sorry for how she treated me. She denied it instead and used her diagnoses as a cop out. Instead of taking responsibility she threw the “I really wish you would read about my diagnoses so you can understand me better.” She also told me she is sorry for how I fee.l and she told me what she read here was upsetting. I think she felt that way because she didn’t like how I was reacting about it and feeling. The article sums it up right here about this behavior she did.

BP/NPs don’t take responsibility for their own moods or actions, so they don’t feel remorse.  Instead, they typically feel angry at you for reacting negatively to their actions.  They rarely even notice that they have hurt your feelings or insulted you or put down your opinions or views.  When you point out that they have done something hurtful, they blame you for “being too sensitive” or too judgmental or just unloving.

I remember in the relationship, I was trying very hard to figure out how to word things and how to say things so my ex wouldn’t get upset with me. Then I would blame it on myself thinking my communication was wrong and I can’t say anything right. The reason why other people don’t react the way they do and cry is because they can control their emotions and hold them in, she doesn’t do that. It also created lot of stress for me because I had all these thoughts in my brain and I couldn’t even talk about them because it would upset her so I was left alone with these intrusive thoughts. I can talk to my husband about it and he wouldn’t get upset with me even though he has admitted it’s hard work for him because he then has to calm me down. But he still does it because he loves me and he doesn’t like me being upset. I don’t like being this way either so that is why he handles all the finances and doesn’t tell me how much money we have and I just use my credit card and he pays it off. I don’t go overboard with spending. My husband is also good with finances and he doesn’t buy stuff we can’t afford so I trust we won’t go broke or go below in our bank account. If I had stayed with my ex, none of this wouldn’t happen and I would be alone with my intrusive thoughts and it would have been very stressful.

The moment I got the comment from my ex was a typical narc apology. I know because I have lurked on forums about it and read blogs about it and have seen people post their narc apologies that were sent to them by their ex or narc parent. Their letters are usually calm and not angry or hostile. My ex’s letter was calm and there was no tension in it or any anger. They will also deny the things they did and say how sorry they are for you feeling a certain way about them or say how sorry they are for you not having a happy childhood. They never apologize for how they acted and treated you. There is also gaslighting in it. My ex did some gaslighting by saying she didn’t do any of the stuff I said she did.

I have noticed a pattern with abusers. They seem to forget the abuse they have done to their victims and that behavior is always harmful for the victim. I have wondered if they regret so much what they did they truly forget about their abuse as some form of coping mechanism because they can’t cope with their feeling of regret or even guilt so it’s easy to just forget so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. But then that means they wouldn’t have to take responsibility over what they did. My mother used to tell me when I was 10-12 “just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.” Even as a kid if I had no memory of doing something, I wasn’t off the hook, people didn’t move on. They still had to talk about it and make a big deal about it and to me it was over and done with because I lived in the moment and this was a problem for everyone around me. I cannot imagine how much gaslighting I must have been doing growing up and how many times I must have invalidated feelings. Just because something wasn’t a big deal to me, I couldn’t understand why it would be a big deal to someone else and why they were still obsessing over it so I made it be their problem. This is a common characteristic in BPD and NPD. Gosh no wonder so many kids thought I was mean and selfish and not caring. I looked normal and looked like everyone else. I didn’t even look like I had problems so how would the other kids know I had problems?

But no one around me was stupid because they remembered and knew it full well happened even if I denied it or didn’t make a big deal about it and got annoyed with them when they would obsess about it.

Do people with NPD and BPD live in the moment? I don’t think so. I think it’s just about avoiding responsibility and them thinking it’s not their fault.

And because my mother did drill into my head about just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it never happened, I did start to believe things I did other kids would tell me I did so for two years I believed I shoved a plastic fork in a kid’s neck and it stuck there. Why? Because other kids told me I did it but then in my Freshman year, a boy told me at a dance party that never happened and the kid just made it up to make himself look cool. So after that I am back to trusting my own thoughts and not believes what people tell me about myself. It’s either pics or it didn’t happen. If it’s anything minor, I won’t argue about it and deny it because it wouldn’t be worth fighting about.  My mom told me years later in my adult years that if she had known about the fork incident, she would have told me it never happened because if it did, I would have been charged with assault and taken away and be put in a juvenile detention center.

 

The time I thought my mom was closed minded

Thursday, September 8th, 2016

about guys I was dating.

Disclaimer: dislike and not like are not the same thing.

When I first met Jayden, my mom didn’t seem to take a lot of like to him. he was nice and sweet and he even organized the pantry above the oven where my parents kept their cookie sheets and pie pans. He did talk about his school life and how incompetent his school was with special ed kids. He also had troubles with school work too like me but he didn’t have an aide like me. I didn’t like how my mom was critical about it. She told me he wasn’t very smart and said it was because he barely graduated. I told her it was because he didn’t have an aide like I did and they didn’t give him the help he needed. I told her I also wouldn’t have graduated if I didn’t get the help I needed.

She had other criticism about him and I said kids also thought I was weird and other people might think the same of me because I am also different and parents also didn’t want their kids playing with me and I have been banned from homes as a child just because I didn’t know the rules in their home and didn’t know how to act. Also another reason for her not liking him is because he had a history of being violent. I had to remind her I was also violent too as a child so how would she like it if another parent told their son I could be violent with him in the future because of my past? Also another reason was his memory problem and I thought she was being closed minded about it. Memory problems, big deal, I will just deal with it and help him with it. My mother refused to believe Ritalin did this and said it doesn’t work that way. Also the fact he didn’t have a job but that was because he didn’t have anyone to help him so I was helping him.

But then at the end it turned out their judgments about him were correct. He really was a jerk (I thought then) and I realize now he truly did have too many problems and he wasn’t just someone who was lazy and mooching off me and messing with my head and being manipulative. He did apologize deeply for hurting me and he called himself a screw up. But back then I had a hard time accepting his apology because I was confused. He was contradicting himself and that left me confused. I didn’t understand what his apology meant. Now I know it was because he had a undiagnosed mental illness and my mom was right about him. She knew he had more going on that what I thought. I just assumed he lacked motivation and needed help to succeed just like me, I assumed he had a learning disability like me, I assumed he needed explicit instructions so I was giving them to him. You could say I saw him as “normal” who was just different and had a learning disability and ADHD. I saw him as functional. My mom still says he was a jerk because anyone can be one. I am sure he had some flaws that were bad that had nothing to do with his illness such as being too into being true to himself.

Then I met Jerry and my parents also didn’t take a like to him (she was a he then so I am referring to her as a he in this post) but they kept it hidden from me because I was defensive the first time about Jayden. I remember I kept correcting them about him. They kept insisting he was trying to not let me talk to them but I said he was no because he isn’t stopping me from calling them. I also told them he is just too worried about what people are going to think of him and me not presenting the situation correctly and he doesn’t want them to get the wrong idea. But they saw this as all controlling. They were also critical of him and my mom told me afterwards she was so worried I was being abused. Not understanding abuse at the time I told her he had never abused me. He had never hit me or called me names or broken anything. I also remember telling my mother about how poor my self help skills were and how low functioning I am and my mom told me the whole meaning of having good self help skills is acknowledging you need help and getting it than trying to do it yourself. She told me it was not very good self help skills to not ask for help and trying to do it all on your own and figure it out on your own. My mom also insisted he was after my money and they said other things about him I thought were untrue because they were reading it all wrong. I then thought no matter what guy I date, they will always find something wrong with them. Everyone had flaws and problems and I had my own so how would they have liked it if someone’s mother told their son to stay away from me. Now I realize my parents judgments were right about him.

I didn’t learn my lesson at all from these two because when I met my husband I was worried about what my parents would think of him. He was also in special ed, he was also a loner, he was ignored and then teased. He had been held back three times (his mother says two) and he had three different learning disabilities and brain damage. He didn’t drive. He didn’t have a college degree and he never finished high school because he got too old to attend. But he was a sweet and understanding guy and he worked hard to not be limited by his birth defect in his ankles. He didn’t let pain stop him. He took public transport despite having poor sense of direction and always getting lost easily and turned around. I was impressed. I always like people with disabilities who try to find a way to live a normal life and find their ways around their limitations. I have also always tried to live a normal life I can and work my way through my difficulties. I could never understand how others can’t do it or why they would refuse to learn or try. But after what happened to my husband in 2012, it has changed his perspective about people with disabilities. He had realized the reason why he was having so many seizures was because his body was going through a breakdown because he was making his body do stuff his body isn’t meant to do and it couldn’t handle it anymore so it started to break down. His body couldn’t handle the pain anymore so he got more anxiety from it and then it was giving him seizures because of the pain. It was all a domino affect. Now I had learned something too. If there were a job out there he can do, he would do it but he has all these limitations. Can’t get a job that involves counting or he will make too many mistakes, can’t get a job that involves writing because he has difficulty in spelling and reading, he can’t get a job that makes him work on his feet because his body can’t handle it and he isn’t supposed to be on them for no more than two hours a day. So what job out there can he do that doesn’t require reading, counting, math, and movement?

I realize now my parents were only looking out for me so they didn’t want me to date anyone who had too many problems and they could tell Jerry and Jayden had too many of them. They knew it would be too stressful for me and the fact I am sensitive and it would have destroyed me being with those guys. But yet they were fine with me dating my husband go figure. Maybe because he doesn’t have that many problems.

How can one tell if someone’s problems is due to problems than just personality? How can you tell if someone has a mental illness? Surely not every rude person out there has a disorder or a narrow minded person or someone who is extremely judgmental and critical of everything, same as if they do abuse. Plus plenty of people have strange thoughts so how can one tell if they have a mental illness or just have that weird opinion? And lot of people are paranoid so does that mean they have some mental illness? So how can you tell if someone had a condition or not based on these behaviors? Some people even have depression so how can one tell if it’s just depression or clinical depression or a illness stemming from a serious disorder?

I don’t know how much of Jerry’s thoughts were due to her illnesses, that is if she is telling the truth. But I can never tell because everything is normal to me. For years I just thought medical labels were created for a list of behaviors we all do and doctors like to give out a label for it to anyone. People had personality disorders because they did behaviors people found annoying and found them difficult to be with, people had Asperger’s because of too many narrow minded people who didn’t like someone who is different and strange and weird and because they didn’t know the social rules and didn’t know how to act in a situation and people refuse to tell them how to do it and because they did routines and didn’t like change and because they had special interests and did behaviors like fiddling with objects or playing with their fingers or doing rocking and because they didn’t look people in the eye and didn’t know about reading body language. I thought anything that wasn’t considered normal doctors made it into a condition. Want to get your way and don’t like not getting your way, just be an asshole by threatening your mother and breaking things and making her afraid of you so you get it, oh you have ODD so here is your label. People were psychopaths because they didn’t care about people and they did cruel things and killed people. I thought this way about mental illnesses until my twenties. This is all still very confusing for me.

 

Do abusers deserve an understanding

Sunday, September 4th, 2016

if they have any medical conditions?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a medical condition and so is Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and of course Covert Narcissism.

NPD and BPD are both the same to victims I keep hearing.

My ex sent me a message a few days ago and said she does have AS plus BPD, schizoaffective the bipolar type and PTSD. But she denied she did any of this stuff to me I said she did and only admitted to the Dish Network part and apologized for putting me through such stress. But said she is sorry I feel this way about her. That is not even an apology. That is putting all the blame on your victim and not taking any responsibility. She also told me how she wishes I would look up all her medical diagnoses and understand her better  and was hoping I will change how I feel about her. But do they deserve so be understood if they refuse to not accept what they have done to you and not apologize for all that?

Was my ex feeling so bad for how she treated me she had created these memories in her brain and had forgotten all about what she did in our relationship? I have noticed this pattern in abusers, they all seem to forget how they treated you. Do they really forget or do they just pretend?

I have also forgotten about stuff I have done when I would be very upset or when I was going through depression but I never ever said I did none of that stuff they said I did. In 6th grade my mom told me I had put a male cat in our garage to impregnate our kitten to punish them because I was mad at them I forget about what. I was shocked so that explained how our cat got pregnant. I had done it as a punishment.

Then a few months back as an adult my mom told me how I had abused her so I had discovered I was already violent before I decided to try and have ODD. I would pull her hair, throw things at her and she couldn’t even literally turn her back on me or I would toss something at her. So if she wanted to go to the kitchen let’s say, she had to walk backwards to the kitchen. I was also mean to my little brother too but it was verbal abuse. My mom thinks I did all this because I found them safe and trusted them so I lashed out at them to get out all my hurt feelings I had been holding in. I was shocked I was this bad but I didn’t deny it just because I didn’t remember it. My mom totally fixed me when she threatened she would put me in a hospital if I didn’t stop. I remember I moved onto self harm and then onto our dog. I told my mom I didn’t know I was this bad and I don’t remember doing it all the time and she said “few times a month was enough for me” so I then realized I didn’t do these things all the time.  All my mother had to do was make herself unsafe for me to lash out at her and make my brother unsafe too for me so that was how she fixed me from my abuse.

But did Jerry act shocked by what she read here? No she just said it was all upsetting for her to read.

Also she seemed to have objected to the name here I picked for her so does that mean she wants me to use her former real name on here or her new real name? I will not take that risk. It’s very stupid to post your ex’s real names online because that is asking for trouble. I can see why the subreddits on Reddit often say about not posting any personal information. Linking to their profiles is posting personal information or maybe linking to their other profiles from other websites that is just their user name. I think the purpose of this rule is to protect members and to avoid smear campaigns because anyone could be lying about their ex’s and they could be doing a vendetta. So it’s not about protecting the abusers.

But what if their abuse was attribute from their mental illness, do they still deserve to be understood if they aren’t taking any responsibility and they are just gaslighting you instead, especially if they had “forgotten”?

 

Also Jayden isn’t my ex’s real name either and neither is Frankie. Michael also isn’t my son’s real name either.

My recent post

Sunday, September 4th, 2016

This was a post I wrote on a forum just now about relationships and if you ever had one.

I didn’t get my first boyfriend until I was 20 and that was a disaster. It turns out he had a undiagnosed mental illness so that probably explains his “laziness” and his “mind games” and “manipulation” and his cognitive memory issues and so on. That relationship only lasted three months.

Then I had another short relationship when I was 21 and that was also a disaster. I recently got a triggering message from my ex and she told me (back then she was a he when we were together) she had Borderline Personality Disorder (and three other medical conditions she mentioned). BPD is often compared to narcissism because they share the same features but the difference is they fear abandonment and they go from caring about you to acting like they don’t care which they call splitting. But what upset me what she denied how she treated me by saying she did none of that stuff to me she said I did. She found my blog and left a comment there. But it opened wounds again and I had anxiety all day about it because of the gaslighting and not taking any responsibility and I find it hard to believe that she cares about me to this day because if she really cared, then why would she abandon me, why would she ignore me and disappear and leave me in distress? But she admitted to the Dish Network think and said she “took too long” to give it to me and apologized for putting me through such stress. If she would have also apologized for how she treated me and take responsibility for it, that would have been fine than saying “sorry you feel this way about me.” But I am scared it’s one of those narc apologies so I didn’t approve the post and I marked it as spam so I wouldn’t see anymore of her messages in the future and I also didn’t respond to it. She didn’t want to make any amends and I could tell by how she wrote her “apology.”

TLDR: Both my relationships were a disaster because both my ex’s had too many problems and neither of them lasted long but they both had affected me.

Now I am happily married to a great guy and yes he has had to listen to my sorrow stories about my ex’s.

 

Are You Dating a Narcissist or a Borderline?

Saturday, September 3rd, 2016

Perhaps you have been involved with someone who appears to be seriously interested in the relationship but who sometimes goes emotionally off the rails, lashes out at you, and becomes over-defensive. And what if they also have an exaggerated need for…

Source: Are You Dating a Narcissist or a Borderline?