Archive for June, 2017

Right in front of my house

Thursday, June 22nd, 2017

Last night I was coming home from work and I saw all these police cars in front of my house. The whole road was blocked off so cars had to turn around. I have been watching too many crime documentaries on youtube so I got worried that something had happened to my house and I mostly worried about my children. Had someone come and murdered my family or were my kids hurt so they had police over there?

The closer I got the more clear it became it was a car accident and I wondered if my car was involved because had my dad driven it and crashed it? I looked at the totaled car and it became clear it wasn’t mine just by looking at the headlights. There were people standing on the curb talking and I heard a glimpse of what happened. I go home and asked my parents about it and my mom told me it happened around 8:30 at night and told me what happened.

There was a car chase and it came from the neighborhood behind us and they turned onto the main road but the car behind the SUV truck hit the curb because she didn’t know it was there. The road narrows. So she did a sharp turn cutting this incoming truck off and swiped his side and it pushed him into incoming traffic and that car got his by his truck also swiping its side. Then the car behind it hit it and spun out of control and hit another car and six cars total were hit. the lady in the car who had hit the curb after swiping the truck kept on driving while the car was wrecked. She left car pieces on the side of the road and then she couldn’t go any further. The car was a mess because the wheels came off and it was dark outside so it looked like someone had rested a tire on the side of the car, leaning it beside it.

I was going to show my son the car but it was gone this morning and so were the car parts and the mess in the road had been cleaned up so you wouldn’t even guess there had been an accident but there was still the marks from the residual of the accident. I saw the car had barely missed our mailbox because of the marks on the curb and then she was driving back on the curb again.

I got more information about it this morning from my mother. People who saw the accident had pulled over and chased after the woman saying “don’t you dare leave.” They had road sweepers out like at 2 or 4 in the morning cleaning up the mess. I even heard them. The truck belonged to a young man who was about 20 my mom was guessing and he had three more payment son his truck and he had to call his parents to come get him. They were going to take him to the hospital and they were so distraught. No one was angry at the driver and everyone was glad no one was hurt. The lady that caused the whole accident was cut on her face but not seriously hurt. I asked Mom how fast she was going and she guessed maybe 35-40 and I said that was the speed limit but she was still in a rush and chasing after a car and cut the truck off who was coming towards her. But I felt angry for all those people because they had lost their cars, now they were going to pay higher insurance, and I wondered if the driver was going to be sued for causing all this because of her wreck less driving. She was definitely going to be in trouble with her insurance and my dad thinks she might go to jail and lose her license. But man that was one big accident and I only saw three wrecked cars total so they must have taken the others away before I got there. even neighbors from the block behind us followed after those cars because they also heard the wreck and it sounded like furniture falling over in the house. They had to be at the scene to tell the police it came from their neighborhood and two cars were racing and it was a black SUV truck and it paused and kept on driving and then it stopped at the traffic light and it turned green and it kept on going.

All I can say is “what the hell were they thinking? Racing each other. That is so dangerous.” But her car was so totaled because the whole front was busted off and all the wheels and she kept on driving it until she couldn’t anymore. My mom guessed she was in her twenties and said it was just a kid. She was the only one in the car. Even my mom wonders what the hell was she thinking but she didn’t ask her. But there were a bunch of police cars and two tow trucks with a wrecked car on it. My kids slept through the whole thing. The crash didn’t wake them up. I have heard some car racing on our road occasionally and it just sounds like a race car going by. We definitely didn’t pick a safe spot to live. Just not too long ago there were these tow guys rummaging in cars for stuff and they looked in mine and took my mom’s purse from her car and I saw them doing the same to a Honda and I figured those must have been the same guys who were in our cars and they just left the Honda door opened and I thought at first it was their car and then I drove by it and saw the mess inside and realized they were just looting and looking for stuff and they took off across the street to the apartments. Then I had wished I had called the police to report it because they could be doing it to other cars on the block. I wonder if I should have reported the Honda to the police and those two guys and describe them?

I was very difficult to gaslight

Sunday, June 4th, 2017

I remember when I was a kid, anything I thought or knew, no one could convince me of something that was the untruth. If I know i didn’t do something, no one could convince me I did it because I would never question myself or doubt my own memory or even think I am going crazy. In fact I just thought it was the other person that is lying to me and is wrong. This does seem to be a good quality to have but unfortunately it was also a curse because it gave me problems and other people around me problems too. Just imagine all the gaslighting I must have done over the years but everyone was immune to mine. I also lived in the moment so anything that happened was over. My mom used to often tell me when I was 10-12 years old “Just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.”

I remember one year when it was Easter, I was looking through my basket when I found a toothbrush. Then I found another one in my basket. But my family kept taking one of them away from me and giving it to my brother and I kept taking it back but they kept on giving it to him and wouldn’t leave my stuff alone. They kept saying it was his but I didn’t believe them. It was mine because it was in my basket. Then I was crying and so was my little brother.

Fortunately my dad had taken a movie of us looking for our baskets and going through them so my mom had decided we will all watch the video to see and whoever was wrong will have to say sorry. So we all sat down in the sun room and my dad set the movie camera up and we all watched it on the big screen TV. I see myself falling beside the table and couch and someone had to help me up. Then ┬ásee we are looking at what we got for Easter and I see I had gotten a new tooth brush and so did my brothers. Then my dad says to me “Your brother is going to put it in your basket by mistake, watch.” I keep watching and sure enough my brother was looking at his toothbrush and his basket was close to mine and he drops his in his basket but it landed in mine and I had my back turned. Then I look in my basket again and I dig in my basket again and see I had gotten another toothbrush and I tell my parents I got two tooth brushes from the Easter bunny.

if it weren’t for my dad taking that video, who knows what would have happened. Maybe my family would have given in and let me keep the tooth brush while they tell my brother they will get him a new one or they tell me they will get me a new tooth brush and I get to pick out anyone I want. Back then you had to prove to me I am wrong and you are right.

I did say sorry when I saw the scene in the video as it was part of the deal and the holiday was saved.

Another problem I used to have as a kid was I would do things and not even be aware of it so it was very hard to convince me I did something like I was talking. So I thought everyone was bullying me, my student teacher and my parents and my 4th grade teacher. I even used to put scotch tape over my mouth in class so my student teacher couldn’t say I was talking but sadly the tape wouldn’t stick so I was screwed either way and it felt uncomfortable. My mom says about that I was just a kid so how was I supposed to know it was even possible to be talking and not be aware of it. But because I was so immune to gaslighting, I didn’t believe I had this problem and I didn’t believe it was my brother’s toothbrush. This was a common problem when I was a kid because I was always right in my own mind and perspective. I see this as a gift and a curse I had when I was a kid. It did keep me from believing other kids lies they would tell me about me when I was a kid and it kept me from questioning my sanity when I would get in trouble for something I didn’t even do or the time my best friend took my Pop Its because she thought they were hers.

I saw a thread on Reddit and someone talked about in their OP the first time they remember being gaslighted when they were 5 years old. Their grandma had gotten them their first kit and it was Sesame Street characters. She goes to the park with her mom and she flies the kite but this kid demands she lets him or her fly it so she does and the kid never gives it back and says it’s theirs. The mother does nothing about it and the family just takes off with the poor child’s kite. The five year old begins to doubt herself. I knew from reading that story, no way would I have questioned myself because I would know it was my kite and argue and cry and try and get it back and then cry and carry on because my kite had just been stolen. The other kid or the mom or my own would have never convinced me it wasn’t mine. That is why I never got gasliughted when my parents would keep on saying I am normal when I would say I wish I was normal and could be like everyone else. They also could never convince me what I was going through as a kid was normal whenever I would be picked on in school or rejected.