Archive for November, 2015

Tone policing? Huh?

Monday, November 30th, 2015

This is a term I have been hearing. In my literal mind, I thought it was telling people how to say things or what voice to use. Yeah I have gotten this lot of times from people like my own mother but isn’t that her job? Don’t all parents tell their kids how to express themselves and how to talk and say things and how to handle things? Isn’t that tone policing? What about when you are upset and you are told to calm down or to not yell? Tone policing? What about when I would be having anxiety so I would get told off about it? Tone policing?

But apparently this is not what tone policing is. It’s refusing to listen to other people just because you didn’t like how they say things and it’s also focusing on how they said it.

I have always thought people listen better if they are not insulted or called names or judged and I guess that would be tone policing when I expressed that opinion to my husband. I have noticed over and over that people never get anywhere when they attack someone or insult them or judge them or even bully them and my husband said maybe because their feelings get in the way so it keeps them from being rational. Also people never get anywhere when they accuse them of doing child abuse because then the parent just gets defensive and how does that help?

I remember the time when I was on Babycenter, I saw a thread about a mother who posted a video online with her toddler sitting in the front seat of the car with no car seat and seat belt and the car was obviously moving. There was even a link to the Facebook page where it was posted and it was public. I thought it was very dangerous what she was doing and it was a form of child neglect because she was endangering her child. I would have just told her her kid needed to be in a car seat in the back seat of the car because it’s the law and she can get a ticket for it or have her kid get taken because times have changed. But lot of comments the mother got were hostile and she was being called a child abuser or stupid and the mother was defensive. There were very few nice comments about it where people were able to express their concerns without being all judgmental and hostile. But sadly all those nice comments were too blended in over the mean comments. I thought the mother would listen better if she had a bunch of civil comments than uptight ones that were judging her or calling her a child abuser. But apparently this would be tone policing.

When people go on about tone policing and how it’s BS, it comes off to me as people can bully you all they want and be mean to you all they want and falsely accuse you all they want and it’s your fault if you can’t handle it or not able to process it what they are saying because of the negative tone. If they do it, then you must have deserved it. Doesn’t this sound like victim blaming? How does this even help the situation or the person who is being attacked?

My little brother for example can’t even listen to a word you say if you are yelling at him and you don’t even need to be raising your voice. If you are talking in a way he feels is yelling, all he hears is the yelling and he can’t process the words because it upsets him too much so I guess he was tone policing when he told our mother at 16 how it makes him feel and how all he years is the yelling, not the words. So my mom changed her tone.

I remember when I had my first boyfriend he “tone policed” me when he told me how you shouldn’t raise your voice when someone does something dangerous because it can make it worse. An example would be if someone was driving and they take their eyes off the road and then the car swerves and is head for the ditch so you raise your voice yelling “watch the road watch the road.”  A normal reaction would be that gets the person’s attention and  they look up and see where they are heading and they jerk back on the road again. But in my ex’s case, he thought it can scare the person and they don’t do anything because all they heard is the screaming so you both run into the ditch anyway because the person didn’t react due to the screaming. I figured in my his case, he does not react to yelling at all in dangerous situations so when you yell to get his attention, he doesn’t listen because all he hears is the screaming, not the words or get gets a shut down because of the scream and he does nothing so hence his tone policing me. Of course lot of us would say it’s too much to ask to expect everyone to remain calm when something dangerous happens like when a kid runs downs the road or towards a pond or when a kid does something stupid with a firework that could have blown their heads off or when someone takes their eyes off the road and the car swerves or when someone is about to go and a car comes and the driver doesn’t see it due to a blind spot and they are moving the car.  Of course we would all yell to get their attention because talking in a normal tone of voice will not get their attention quick enough and bam there is a car accident or a dead child. Even Jerry expected people to not yell in these situations. I would say my first ex was exceptional because when you raise your voice when he does something dangerous, he might not hear you because all he would hear is the screaming and shut down and the accident more likely occurs anyway so therefore we would all have to learn to not yell at him if he is about to do something dangerous such as if he is about to run off the road or if there was a ca coming and he was turning onto the road. We would have to learn to control our emotions around him just like police officers.

I have always been defensive. I never took false accusations well or when i get wronged or mistaken. My mom had to learn to approach me a certain way so I am not in the defense and I never once tone policed her because I didn’t even know myself why I reacted the way I do. My mom just had to figure out how to talk to me and communicate and watch her tone of voice also so I wouldn’t think she was mad or think I was being accused. Instead my mom would ask “Did you do X?” and have it be a question than an accusation. Then all I would have to answer is yes or no and it’s over because she would say “okay.” My mom has also asked “You didn’t do this did you?” and I would say yes or no. That was how I grew up. But the funny thing is Jerry claimed to be literal but he wouldn’t take things I say literal if he got offended but he would take petty things literal and nitpick what I would say. I could ask him a question and he would take it personally like I was accusing him. I didn’t say he did it, I only asked because I wanted to know if he did or not since he said he was very honest so I would expect the truth. But of course this could have been one of his narcissistic traits. It didn’t matter what I said, it only mattered how I said it like the time I saw the green water tower so I pointed to it saying “See that green water tower. That was where my third grade teacher lived” and he said “He lived in that water tower?” and I said “No, that was his neighborhood where the water tower is.” he then starts nitpicking what I said and said how I should have said it so I asked him if someone can really live inside a water tower, there is all that water and no windows and he said yes because he has seen it before on TV so i asked him if someone can really live in that green water tower. Here I was trying to show him logic since aspies are known to be logical so he would have asked instead “What do you mean?” because he would have known that it’s not possible to live in a water tower so I couldn’t possibly mean that so they are asking for clarification. Then they go okay and move on instead of nitpicking because they know they are literal. When Jerry asked if he lived in the water tower, I thought that was his way of asking for clarification so I rephrased myself and he then nitpicked my words instead of going “Oh.” But yet he would’t take me literal when he would get offended or upset by what I say because he didn’t take my words literal like the time I asked him if he had broken something in my car while he was working on it. he said no and told me he had discovered it was missing a piece in my fan that makes them move to cool the radiator. The next day he sobs and tells me how it hurt his feelings because I said he had broken it. I told him I didn’t say he did, I only asked and he told me he didn’t so I believe him.  Also probably narcissist. Then he called it his social issues when I told him about it. So there he was blaming his narcissistic behavior on “social issues.” I had noticed a pattern in him taking things literal and when he doesn’t take things literal. He only wasn’t literal if he got offended by something and non offensive things he took literal so it makes me think this was all intentional he did or otherwise he would have taken my other words literal and not get offended. I even thought then he was using Asperger’s as an excuse and I was probably right. Always trust your gut feeling. I think his reason for getting “offended” and “insulted” was his way to shut me up and silence me so I couldn’t question him which is typical narcissistic abuse. It’s all about control. This could be another reason why he went silent on me because I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t do what he wanted me to do so he moved on and looked for another supply. He had no way of controlling me and instead I just kept on trying to find other ways to word things without him taking it the wrong way. I just couldn’t give up like other victims would. But face it, none of this works on a narcissistic.

When people falsely accuse me or project or even judge me, I have a harder time listening so I guess I would be tone policing. If the comment is too hostile for me or they are mean about it, I also don’t listen because I see them as being a bully and having issues of their own and I will think they are trying to pick a fight so I ignore them. Just them having a problem and taking it out on me. I do not take this well so I do the opposite what I am supposed to do.

I think it can go both ways. People say it’s ridiculous to expect everyone to be calm when they are upset. Well how about they take a step away and not say anything at all until they are calmed down? Sometimes that is what my mom had to do as a parent. I do something that made her mad so she had to wait until she was calmed down before talking to me about it. You certainly didn’t want to be screaming at your kids whenever you are mad so how is this any different with anyone else? Kids less likely listen when you scream at them so how is it any different when people don’t listen when they get insulted or judged or even called names?

I even talk talking to people online when I didn’t like how they have treated me. I just don’t reply to their posts again because I feel they nitpick or get offended too easily. Even when I was six I would refuse to listen if I was yelled at and my Mom’s brother then thought that was ridiculous and so wrong what I am doing. I have walked away from adults or kids before when they would be raising their voice at me and boy would that piss them off. When my mom would yell at me, I would yell right back. Of course my mom blamed it on my age so she didn’t do anything about my behavior. I just threw it back at them. That was how much it bothered me it was just too much to deal with so it was fight or flight response. My reaction varied of course depending on my mood.

Fuck with tone policing.

 

 

Those Brits nitpicking their country/nation

Saturday, November 28th, 2015

After my last blog entry, I thought about how nitpicky Brits are about their country. If you come to the United States and say you are in the USA, we won’t nitpick you telling you you are not in the US, you are in (insert US state you are in) but that is what they do over there. If you go to England, Scotland, Wales, or Northern Ireland and say you are in the UK, They will correct you what country you are in. They will say you are not in the UK, you are in (insert UK country here you are in)  and they consider it offensive. I wonder if they do the same about our country. They go to Florida and they go back home and instead of telling everyone they went to the US, they say they went to Florida and if someone told them they went to the US, would they argue and say “No I didn’t go to the US, I went to Florida.” You then tell them “So you did go to the USA” “No I went to Florida because that is where I only went, I didn’t go to every US state.”

I was once in a chat room and I said I went all over the UK because we had went to England, Scotland, and wales but those Brits nitpicked because they told me I didn’t go all over the UK, I just went to those three countries and going all over the UK would mean I went to Northern Ireland.

Oh for fuck’s sake. So I guess by their logic I have never traveled all over the US because I didn’t go to every single US state when my family took that long road trip in summer of 96. But we did go across the country like my mom and I did with England Scotland and wales but we didn’t go in the southern part of Wales, we only stayed north and we only stayed in southern Scotland, we didn’t go up further north but we did go up to northern England and west and south but not western Engand where the Atlantic is nor did we go south of London where Dover is nor did we go close to the English channel. I accept this much be their culture way of speaking and this is how us Americans talks. I live in North America, no you don’t live in North America, you live in the USA. No you don’t live in the USA, you live in Oregon. This is just how it looks to me when they nitpick when you say you are in Great Britain or the UK instead of saying you are in England, Scotland, Wales, or Northern Ireland. It’s different if you thought England was all of the UK and that Scotland isn’t part of it or Wales or the Northern Ireland so they correct you. That is like saying Oregon is the whole United states. But I can still imagine that argument with a Brit about me living in the US or North America. But at least they don’t nitpick about what part of London you are in or what country you are in. But I did notice when I was there they will nitpick how you say words so therefore you have to say things their way when you are visiting but yet we don’t go nitpicking accents here when someone comes and visits and says a word differently because that is how they say it where they are from. I was corrected to say “Oughts and crofts” instead of “arts and crafts.” At least no one told us to speak with an English accent or with a Scottish accent or with a Welsh accent. But yet I read online that it annoys them when you try and fake their accents when you are visiting but yet I seemed to annoy this English lady when I said it the American way so she had to get me to call it Oughts and crofts. That is how they say it there with their accent. But to me that is like arguing over how to say the word vase. Some people pronounce it “voss” because it depends on where they are from and in one part of our country, that is how they say it but on the west side, we pronounce it as  “vaise.” But it was only one lady that did it, no one else but from reading around online, lot of them seem to nitpick about the name UK or United Kingdom or Great Britain. I have seen people say they live in the UK but they could mean England, Scotland, Wales, or Northern Ireland and some will say what country they are in.

Different cultures, different ways of speaking and they say we are the dumb ones but I could say the same about them. Makes me wonder if they nitpick other things.

 

 

Annoying semantics

Saturday, November 28th, 2015

What really grinds my gears is semantics. I am not talking about people who name objects wrong or use the wrong phrases or people who don’t realize the connotation of the word that could lead to misunderstandings. I am talking about people who nitpick, words that mean the same thing in the context.

For example I was on a forum and we were all talking about political correctness. The term welfare queen comes up and another person writes how the PC term for it could be welfare cheater.

But here is a problem. People think someone is cheating the system based on what they wear, what they buy, what they own, what car they are driving. They do not consider it might be their parents car or a friends car or a neighbor’s car they are borrowing and they don’t know if the nice stuff they have is what they bought before they hit hard times and they don’t know if they have family members that buys them nice things and you can find good things at Goodwill or at yard sales and sometimes people just buy you nice things for gifts. So I wrote to him that those two terms would still be offensive because they are judgmental terms. I wrote that people assume someone is cheating the system based on what car they drive, etc. I wrote the same thing I pretty much wrote here already. But people can argue that not using these terms is politically correct. Then I wrote that there are people that cheat the system but they are the 1% so anyone who gets labeled as the welfare queen, I think they are just being judged rather than it being the truth and if anyone ever told me they know someone who is doing it, I would be asking them questions so I will see if they are assuming or if it’s the truth.

Now the annoying part. The guy replies back and his response was fine when he said people have the strong tenancy to apply stereotypes. He wrote he also tries to avoid them but isn’t always successful, then he said what I wrote was an example of a stereotype. Why? Because I didn’t write the word suspicion, instead I used the word assume. So if I wrote people always have suspicions someone is cheating the system” that would have been okay by his standard but what is the difference. Isn’t it still making an assumption? Then he goes on about nitpicking the two words and that is like nitpicking between the two words “shouting” and “screaming.”

I have seen people online judge others for being on food stamps or WIC and so on and they come to that conclusion from seeing what car they drive or what stuff they own and how they have their hair or nails. Isn’t that an assumption? Call it a suspicion if you like. I can see a fat person and have my suspicions they are that way because they don’t work out and don’t eat healthy and all they eat is TV dinners and candy and never work out but if I use the word assume, it would still mean the same thing. Sure you can look words up in the dictionary and each of them will have their own meaning but in context they mean the same thing and people don’t use words the way the dictionary defines the term. Screaming, shouting, shrieking, hollering, yelling all mean the same and big, fat, chubby, cow, pig, all mean the same about the word fat. I even think naive is a nice way of calling someone ignorant.It depends on the context like if someone lacks knowledge or doesn’t understand something people can call them naive or ignorant. But because words have negative meanings, people use other words that don’t have a negative connotation to it because they don’t want to insult them. Like some people might say children are ignorant which is true but they are also naive because they don’t know any better. You can try and explain disabilities to a child and they might still not understand but it’s not willful ignorance because it’s too above their level for them to understand. You can call it naivety or ignorance and there is a difference between willful ignorance and ignorance. But some people just want to nitpick over a word and because you used the wrong word for someone, they dismiss what you say and judge you and all and start accusing you. I felt this person here was calling me a liar because he accused me of doing a stereotype when I was talking about what I had seen online. The months of reading debates at Babycenter about welfare and what people should have while on it and how people should sell everything they have before getting on it or else they are cheating the system. So yes I have learned that people have their own standards on about being on welfare and how people jump to conclusions about a stranger cheating the system and was there any apology from the person, no. But people rarely apologize anyway so I let things go now these days.

I used to do this shit when I was a kid like my 5th grade teacher would tell me to close my notebook. I would refuse until he told me to close my binder because it was a binder, not a notebook. In 6th grade my mom would say “No Nintendo” and I would refuse to not play video games unless she said ‘No Sega” and I knew what these people meant, I just wanted people to talk “right.” My therapist I saw in high school called this all non compliant. I realized as a young adult how annoying this shit is so I stopped doing it. Yes people misspeak, items get new names, if you know what someone means, that is all it matters. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or a human thing but I have seen aspies nitpick over words too like on Fetlife an aspie mentioned how signs at places will say “Thank you for busing your table” and that bothered him because it didn’t say “Clear your table after you are done eating” and I found that to be annoying. He knew what the sign meant but it still bothered him so he decided to nitpick. I wonder if he would refuse to listen unless you speak it right under his standards. I find this behavior annoying in anyone and I used to talk to another aspie online and she found this annoying too. She told me even students in her class would do it and they were all NT. It’s different if it was a innocent mistake because they took it literal. It was innocent when I argued with my mom over the phrase stop that teasing. I told her she told me to stop that teasing when my mom had told me to quit teasing her. To me there was a difference between saying stop that teasing and quit teasing and to my mother they meant the same thing. I wasn’t nitpicking when I kept correcting her and that was when my mom realized I was serious. I honestly didn’t know stop that meant stop that and not do something else so I didn’t know stop that teasing meant do not tease, don’t do another tease. When she did tell me what she meant by it, I thought it was her strange way of telling people to quit teasing her. I didn’t know this was how most people said it, I thought it was only her. I was 15 when I figured it out. So it was a figure of speech like how “knock it off” is or “raining cats and dogs.” Oh yeah Jerry also did this shit too. For example, I would say “That is new” when I would see new buildings that had been built that were not there when I had lived in the area as a child before the move. Jerry argued and said they were not and they had been there for the last seven years. Okay this was an innocent mistake I figured. He doesn’t know what I mean by the word new and he had always lived here and I had not in eight years so I told him to me it was new because it wasn’t there when we lived here. He still said it wasn’t new so I told him anything that was built after August 1998 is all new to me. He still nitpicked so I really found it annoying so I think it was all intentional because he knew what I meant now when I say that’s all new and this is all new but he still chose to “correct me” because he didn’t care if it was new for me, it wasn’t new for him so therefore he was right and I was wrong and instead of just respecting my own perspective and my own background story, he had to dictate. I wouldn’t tell someone with sensitive hearing that something isn’t loud when they say it is. That is just so obnoxious. But I wonder if that was the narcissism instead of him just being an asshole? If it was indeed the narcissism, he could have been doing it to make fun of me or to give me a hard time and to get me upset and frustrated because that is what they do, it’s all a game to them. He might have been doing it to provoke me to make me so angry I would start getting violent thoughts about him because that was what he had read in my posts online and that is something they do, they want to know everything about you so they will try and gather as much information they can so they will know what they can use against you, what your weakness is, and how to push your buttons so they make you the crazy one and anything you do, they use against you. It all makes sense now why he would read through my posts and was so interested in me and why someone online told me how that was all wrong and creepy. That person knew it was a red flag and knew it meant it was not a good thing he was doing if he was romantically interested in me. Now I know why.

 

 

Small Dog syndrome

Thursday, November 26th, 2015

I came across another interesting post in Lucky Otter’s Haven about dogs having personality disorders. She also posted the url for where she got the article from. A poster commented and she mentioned Little Dog Syndrome so I looked it up to learn more about it. This part reminded me a lot about Squeaky because he wouldn’t go outside and preferred to go in the house. He never went in other peoples homes because he didn’t go to other peoples homes, he only had our home and he loved to pee up in the rec room or in the basement. My dad called it marking his territory.

Does she pee all over the house? And this isn’t just your house; it’s any house she visits. The floor, the couch, the walls, the bed—nothing is safe from her piddle practices. This isn’t about housetraining; it’s about control and dominance. And she’ll do it everywhere—except outside.

He even peed on my dollhouse once and I was pissed because he had just came inside and he goes straight to the basement and does it. Then another time he did it right by the stairs in the basement and then I found out he had been doing it upstairs on the floors. Of course no one would believe me and kept dismissing it as him being just a puppy and being a male dog. But he had started doing this before I went crazy so I will never know for sure what the heck happened but I know it wasn’t me or else he would have started this after I went crazy. But I wouldn’t have gone crazy if he didn’t do this. He was maybe confused because we had brought him home from the pet store and he probably had it backwards about his toilet. So basically it was caused by the owner’s behavior, my dad buying him and bringing him home and my whole family having him run around the whole house and all he saw was all these spots he could pee in when the correct training was keeping him in his crate or in a small spot in the home that is his own bedroom until he is house trained. But none of us were ready for another dog and I didn’t even want another one. My mom didn’t want another one either so she was upset when she saw my dad had gotten a new dog and his reason was “They were all on sale so I just had to buy one and look, he is a Miniature Schnauzer. Pure bred and they are around $800 and this one was only $264 because they wanted to get rid of them.” But then again none of us were willing to watch him and I didn’t want to give up my hobbies to watch him like a hawk before he does his little crime.

 

What would happen if…

Tuesday, November 24th, 2015

What would happen if someone lacked cognitive and effective empathy?

This was a question that was asked online. But according to google search, both these terms mean the same thing. But anyway the person wanted to know what if someone lacked cognitive empathy like an aspie but also lacked effective empathy like someone with antisocial personality disorder.

Here was my response to it:

I think I may have known a few people like this. These people tend to be very toxic and be abusive and then they never seem to get your perspective or even care about your feelings when you tell them. It’s always your fault and your fault for how you feel and your feelings are never their concern. But yet they can act nice at the same time and seem like very nice people but they have no filter and no tact. These people I try to avoid and I am sad to say I have known a few ASD people like this. They fit my mom’s stereotype of what AS is and yes there are actually some aspies out there who are like that. Would I still accept this flaw in them and out up with it, absolutely not. They truly don’t care and think it’s your problem, not theirs so they don’t really care for isolation and all their social difficulties because it’s everyone’s fault, not theirs. They are like their own worst enemies. Even the word narcissist comes to mind for these people and that is also a characteristic for NPD.

According to google search, effective empathy and cognitive empathy are both the same. :/

Sadly the more I think about it, the more I realize I have known people like this. Jerry was one of them, he had no empathy and he believed in humiliation and shaming (don’t lot of people?)and making others feel bad if it’s the truth. I also knew someone else with an ASD who was also like this but I won’t say who this person was because that person is very well known in the ASD community an I don’t want to get any gruff for saying bad things about that person. Also from my personal experience with these sort of people, they also tend to be hypocrites and they throw it back at you when you try to show them their double standard and what they are doing. They truly do not care. I have also met some online like this also and I don’t see them as acting any different than bullies who go “you are just too sensitive” or people who play that card to get away with being hurtful and people who claim they don’t sugar coat things when they mean they won’t be tactful and they also say how honest they are being when they mean they will just be hurtful. I do think people use honesty as an excuse to be a jerk.

But I remember I was in a chat room months back and there was a person in there who also had AS and a new person told her how rude she was to him in one of his threads. She was like “I was” and he shows her the thread where she was rude and she was totally shocked she came off that way and said how her husband tells her she has no tact and her family says the same thing but she apologized. This told me she really does care and doesn’t want to hurt people or be rude to anyone. I have seen her say in a thread online how she is seeing someone for her speech so I can assume she might be working on this flaw so she can get along better with people and she doesn’t want to be this way so that does show the difference. But there are some out there who do not care so they will not make any effort to change so in a way they do choose to be this way. They are making that choice to be this way. They may think it’s other peoples problem but I think it’s their problem and if I see any of them complain about not being accepted and blaming their autism or their poor social skills and how “narrow” NTs are and “judgmental,” I might just scream because the hypocrisy and the irony is killing me. It is a possibility these people can also be narcissists. Who says you can’t have both? Also how do I know they are not self diagnosed or how do I know they don’t have an ASD? If it’s on the internet, I wouldn’t even know. They could just be wrongly diagnosed with an ASD or they could be self diagnosed but don’t really have it. The same can be said about real life. How do I know this person I knew isn’t a pathological liar, how do I know that person isn’t lying about their medical history or lying in their blog? I have seen some ASD people say how NT that person acts ad how they think they don’t think that person has autism. Also how do I know my ex wasn’t faking Asperger’s? Thins may not have added up about how he got tested for it and how he didn’t get the $300 from his grandparents to get the DX so how do I know he really had it? Just because someone says they do doesn’t mean they do. You can choose to believe them or not. Yeah it sucks to be falsely accused of faking something but I try to not let it bother me if it happens because I know anyone can make stuff up by claiming to have it so people feel justified with their accusation and they don’t care if they are wrong or not. If you are toxic, they don’t care if you have it or not and they don’t care if they are wrong. I also think it has to do with the stigma so to fight that stigma they will doubt your autism if you are toxic. I don’t really agree with all this undiagnosing stuff people do on the internet or in the media or in real life because of their bias about autism  even though there have been two times where I have actually thought someone didn’t have it because those people were so toxic so I felt they acted bad enough for me to decide they don’t have it. Besides none of these people were diagnosed and one of them did manage to get the diagnoses after he had been diagnosed with NVLD but he said they were wrong. I also think this other person was a narcissist. I don’t know if Jerry ever managed to get the diagnoses too but I know he has told other people he had it.

I remember asking my mother about what Asperger’s really is and what would I have been like if I had lot of it and she said I would probably be hurting peoples feelings and go “so” when they tell me. the way she described it made it sound like I would have been an asshole, been like Cruella De Vil minus the fur clothing and killing animals. I asked my school counselor what is the difference between normal people doing it and someone with AS. Does that mean Cruella also has it because she does’t care about other people? My school counselor told me she just chooses to not care about people, she is aware of their feelings, she knows she is hurting them but she doesn’t care. People with AS don’t realize it; they are not aware of your feelings or even understand so it’s not a choice they are doing. But even some on the spectrum have told me my mom was describing psychopathy. So that shows not all of them are this way. I don’t think Jerry was one, I think he was a narcissist and that is also a characteristic. APD (or ASPD), NPD, and BPD share the same symptoms.

Now my question would be how can you tell if someone is really aware or if they don’t truly understand? Even narcissists don’t truly understand so what is the difference?

 

 

Self defense=bullying?

Friday, November 20th, 2015

In the past I have been called a bully for self defense. I was considered a bully in the 7th grade because everyone thought I was over reacting and reading the situation all wrong when I defended myself. But no one ever used that word to my face until I was 16 when my mom told me I was a bully. It is a possibility I might have been getting picked on and the kids just did it passive aggressively to make it look like they were innocent and just playing around and they could have done it to other kids too and to each other to make it look like they are just playing and it’s nothing personal to make me look crazy. That is how bullying works sometimes, they tend to work in pairs. The adults can’t see it because they are being manipulated by the kids so therefore they will think the victim is over reacting and punish them for it. But because of my diagnoses, I wasn’t punished for it but I did get sent home once for hitting a boy in my class which was what they called a suspension for the day and I didn’t even know I was suspended until years later. I only thought I was sent home to calm down so I would relax and feel better. I was also not treated like a bully then either for my self defense but yet I still felt then I was being sided against and then I ended up with an aide so I thought then they did side with me and now I have an aide so she can protect me from the bullies. But no it was actually to keep me in line and for when I get inappropriate and to help me through social situations and to help me with my school work. It was actually to protect other kids from me and I was kept in the resource room to protect them from me.

There was another time I have been considered a bully online for also self defense and I once stood up for myself on a  forum only to be chewed out by a forum admin and she called me stupid and told me to quit being dumb. To this day I have no idea what that was about or even understand but that was years ago.

I decided to go on Google and look up self defense being called bullying and I only saw one result from Babycenter blogs and it was called Where is the line drawn between self defense and bullying. The rest was only about anti bullying and nothing about people being accused of being bullies for self defense. Why is that?

Is it not normal to be accused of being a bully when you stick up for yourself? Does this mean I have been doing it all wrong when I would defend myself? Is there a rule about self defense and is there a line drawn for when it becomes bullying when you defend yourself?

I read the book Bullied written by Carrie Goldman and she wrote about these two girls who were friends. One was named Christina and the other I forget her name so I will call her Anne. Anne accused Christina of hitting on her boyfriend Mark also not his real name because i forget what the name was. Christina denies it and Anne’s friend stick up for her and they start calling her slut and stuff and going online and spreading rumors about Christina. The friends believed the were defending their friend Anne but it was actually bullying they were doing and being cyber bullies.

So my question is if there was a misunderstanding where someone thought they were being picked on so they defend themselves, are they a bully because they misread a situation thinking they were being picked on so they did self defense?

Can people accuse others of being a bully as a way to gas light to make the victim question themselves and make them think they read the situation wrong if they are being accused of being a bully just for sticking up for themselves? I had thought this is what people were doing to me. They don’t like that I could defend myself and I wasn’t weak so they decide to call me a bully. Also friends tend to stick up for their own friends so they might see me as the bad guy so when I defend myself, they will think I am a bully. It doesn’t surprise me when friends stick up for bullies whom they are friends with. It is possible the friends are manipulated by the bully and it is human nature to believe your friend over someone who isn’t so the bully could tell them the victim started it and the friends believe them. Friends also automatically assume the victim is the bully because they assume the victim started it and the bully is defending themselves so therefore the victim gets accused of being a bully. But how odd there was nothing about this in search results when I looked. No discussions about it anywhere except for one place.

 

 

I see irony

Wednesday, November 18th, 2015

Someone posted online asking “How do you instantly know someone is an idiot?”

Someone wrote in their response “If they don’t agree with my views or opinions.”

 

I saw irony in this because this person doesn’t seem to get there are different perspectives and different opinions and everyone has their own view and to think everyone is an idiot who doesn’t agree with you is the idiot so I found that comment funny.

Blocking your ex’s

Saturday, November 14th, 2015

Today I had decided to block my ex on Facebook. I don’t go to her profile and read it because I don’t want to keep tabs on her but a few times in the past I would accidentally end up on her profile because once you type in their name or even click their profile, their name starts popping up in your search when you type in a name and I didn’t want to keep seeing it and accidentally click it. Now that I am writing about how abusive she was, I don’t know if she will ever come cross my other  blog or this where I have talked about her and I don’t even know if she still goes on Wrongplanet to read but I have been talking about it there too so I don’t want to see anything written about it on her Facebook if she decides I am the liar and she is the victim and making me feel bad or doubt myself thinking I must be crazy and I am so wrong about her. I also don’t want to see her page where she sounds like a proud mother and sounding like a good person making me think she has changed or that maybe I am wrong about her so to save myself and to keep me from doubting myself, I blocked her page so I wouldn’t have to see it on accident and have to see anything on it. Sometimes this is what you have to do as an abused to move on and keep moving forward. You don’t want to dwell on it or keep questioning yourself and being confused and doing second guessing. Learn from your mistakes and forgive yourself.

It’s politically incorrect to be politically correct.

Friday, November 13th, 2015

We have all heard about PC going mad and people moaning about it because of words changing or words becoming offensive all of a sudden or things being banned or humor and the time the Disney company cut out McLeach’s version of Home on the Range in Rescuers Down Under (sorry couldn’t find that on youtube again) or the time some teacher cut out the word gay in deck the Halls, and the greetings Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.  Now Starbucks has made a Christmas cup they are serving to guests and it has caused an uproar. I never understood the fuss about it until I read this. Apparently what is so offensive about it is they didn’t use the words Merry Christmas and they had left it all blank. So because they didn’t want to offend anyone with Merry Christmas, they left it all blank and people are still offended by the lack of the season greeting. Go figure.

Oops wrong post

Friday, November 13th, 2015

Today I had caught myself making a response to the wrong post but I had caught it after I had posted it so I had to go and find the right post and quote it and retype what I said and go back to my post and delete the first response and quote. I started to consider if I could make this mistake, then that means others have probably made it too so from now on if I get a response to any of my posts that make no sense, I will assume they had replied to the wrong post and they had meant to reply to someone else’s. Not that they are illiterate or trying to mess with me.