Archive for October, 2015

Maybe this explains why he had money trouble and was always broke

Saturday, October 31st, 2015

I have talked about before how Jerry was always broke and couldn’t manage his money because he was trying to live the life he wanted he couldn’t afford .

I came across this.

18. He Puts Himself First

When you’re married to a narcissist, he will put himself first, before any of your needs, before your kid’s needs, before any financial obligations or work requirements. Before any saving or preparing for your future or getting out of debt. His needs, wants, and image are his first priorities and everything else comes second. He will spend money on things for himself and not pay the electric bill. He will be buying himself a new hat, or shirt, or recreational drug, and tell you “we don’t have enough money” for diapers or groceries. He believes he is more important than you, and that he deserves to treat himself because he works “so hard” for hismoney. Any money you contribute to the family will also be considered his.

Any needs you have that you bring to his attention, he will ignore, blow off, and/or be annoyed by. I have been told over and over again that all he hears from me is “I want, I want, I want”. When in reality I was telling him that we needed groceries, or that I needed new jeans because my one pair ripped, or that I needed something like glasses because it has been 4+ years. While he is spending thousands of dollars on tattoos (seriously).

When they come and turn off the water, gas, or cable because he hasn’t paid the bill, he will be annoyed that they could do something like that, not upset that you’re now without water or heat until he pays the bill.

Except he never had anything shut off, he always got money from his grandparents to pay the bill. I wonder what would have happened if they didn’t help him because of his poor life choices and the kind of guy he is. He would always spend money on fun stuff like going to a movie or going out to eat and he liked taking me out too but he didn’t want to save that money for his bills. He refused to keep his money aside and not spend it and do nothing with it but yet he was always broke. he thought I didn’t manage my money well because I wouldn’t do anything with mine when I had explained to him I had to save it for when I need it like for gas when he fixes my car and when I have a dish Network bill and to buy necessities. But that didn’t change his mind. He wanted me to be just like him, spending it on stuff I want or for going out and because I had money, he stopped taking me out and wanted me to spend my own money so I quit going out with him and his son and I had to be sure if I was paying or not because if I was, I wouldn’t go at all and just stay home in his apartment. He did offer to pay me back my eight bucks for the movie but I felt so guilty I told him it was okay and to not worry about it. I had it be a lesson for me. I don’t know if that was manipulation on his part or not but I will never know. He also knew I had money anxiety and I get anxiety with spending and he knew I was saving it for until I find work and that I was only getting $115 a month but yet had me pay for my own movie ticket and didn’t even tell me right when we were buying tickets. And sometimes I do feel bad about my money anxiety because it makes me feel selfish and like I am taking advantage of people which would be why you turn down dates that will cost money or turn out outings with friends if they are going somewhere that will cost money. I can imagine it would make me look like a user if I was dating or had friends. But I am married so I don’t even have to worry about it and my husband and I share the same bank account.

He also knew I didn’t have any money.I did because I had it from saving but I didn’t have a job and I was only getting $115 from Social Security because some lady in Missoula, Montana didn’t put my pay stubs into their computer system when I mailed them into their office they have there. But yet he still continued looking for places to lice and they were all expensive. He wouldn’t help me find employment, it was all about him, he wouldn’t even fix my car, it was all about him so I had no way of getting a job. I was trapped and I didn’t know how to work the bus system. He did not help me there either and told me it was just unsafe to take the bus because of dangerous people and I am naive and slow and they will pick up on it. My mom believes he wanted me for money and then he ghosted on me because I wasn’t living with him so he didn’t need me so why would he keep talking to me? But yet he was not going to charge me for rent. That was the loyal part of him. I look back and wonder if this was his way of controlling me, keeping me from getting a job. I wouldn’t have gotten one if I didn’t live with my aunt and uncle and who knows if he would have fixed my car. I think I would have gotten it fixed anyway when i got all that money back from Social Security for back payments after the issue was fixed when my mom went in and someone had discovered my pay stubs were never put in the system so someone did it and then I got a big check from them. I then would have used the money to get my car fixed and I wonder what would have happened then? My ex told me it would be costly to have it fixed because the medal frame was bent and it had to be pulled out to get the cracked radiator out and then there would have been the fan that needed to be replaced too and who knows how much that would all cost but i would have used my savings and social security to pay for it and I am sure my parents would have paid for it too and I pay them back when I get a job. It might have worked out if I stayed living with him but the abuse would have gotten worse and maybe then I would have seen more narcissism.

The other things in the article ticked the boxes for my ex which is why I believe he was a narcissist. Not every one of them fit my ex but I don’t think you need every single sign to be a narcissist. But maybe he would have ticked more if I was with him longer.

Advertisements

*sigh* Another abusive child

Tuesday, October 27th, 2015

Yes it’s one of these posts again about violent children and them not being always innocent. This time the girl is nine and while I was reading it, I was thinking “please no ASD, please no ASD” and thank goodness they didn’t mention her having it. Instead her violence started when she was seven and her mother is afraid of her and has hurt her and knocked her down. She is above her mother’s shoulders. Not all nine year olds are small, they can also be big and strong. Not all of them are innocent, some of them are capable of doing real harm and making adults afraid of them. But yet no one believes the mother. Apparently she only acts this way at home and why wouldn’t she like her mother’s partner? The other kids don’t seem to have an issue with him because they are not abusive like she is so what is wrong with her? Maybe if the mother gave her kids cell phones to record the abuse every time it happens to make people believe her, people would probably say instead the mom is bullying her child and no wonder she is acting out and say she is doing child abuse because lot of people don’t want to believe a kid can be this capable.

If she were my child, I would probably be behind bars for self defense because no one would want to believe a nine year old can do real harm.  But maybe this article might finally get the mother and her kid help now that it has sparked attention. I wonder if she has ever tried to get her kid help like taking her to her doctor to get a referral or does the doctor not believe her either? Kids have been known to have rages and violence due to behavior issues so they should be aware of violent kids. I also find it disturbing that anyone in the comments would call this normal behavior.  Also why aren’t the older children stepping into defend the mother when the girl attacks her?

Human race saddens me

Monday, October 26th, 2015

I am sure you hear about Melody Hensley, who got PTSD from online harassment and bullying. People are ripping her apart for it and saying how she is insulting to war veterans and they are calling her a liar. According to her she was actually diagnosed with it by a doctor and she fears leaving her house now and people are invalidating her feelings and fears and how it’s affected her. I first heard about it on Wrongplanet when someone wrote someone got PTSD from twitter because people disagreed with her. That sounds ridiculous right until I looked it up and saw this and the comments were disgusting. I can’t believe people. And my mom has mentioned me having PTSD but good thing I have never mentioned having it because I feel my problems are not bad enough for me to claim it. In seventh grade I was getting into fights with other kids because I thought they were picking on me so I felt I had to defend myself. My mom called that PTSD. I will often hear about autistic people having PTSD as a result from being bullied and no one has ever bat an eye for it and ripped us apart for also claiming it. My husband also had PTSD and never said anything about having it until last summer of 2014 when I said something to him and it really hurt him because it brought back his old hurt feelings and gave him flashbacks of other kids. He said a doctor told him he had it. That was something new I learned about my husband. My mom was the first to mention to him he has it and suggested he get some counseling so he can get rid of his old hurt feelings so they won’t come back if something happens that gives him flashbacks. My mother described it as digging up those roots so in high school she would tell me to dig up those roots when I was seeing a therapist. The analogy was my hurt feelings were not gone, they are just buried. When you pull out the roots, they grow back, that is what my feelings are, they are just buried just like with roots, the bulbs are still there so you have to dig them up so that is what I must do in the doctor’s office.

But comments like I see in the Daily Mail and here. It makes me hate people and I am ashamed about what kind of people there are.

My mistake of bringing my son to the Zelda concert

Monday, October 26th, 2015

It was finally the Zelda Symphony of the Goddesses. My son was excited and he complained about the walking but he did good waiting in line and being on the train. But during the performance, I couldn’t get him to sit still, not make any sounds, not talk so I kept trying to hush him and I even tried to use the Mario Maker game as a reward to keep him good but he didn’t stay good so I am going to have to keep that game hidden now because I told him I was sending it back to Gamefly and I won’t be keeping it since he isn’t being good. He didn’t kick any seats thank goodness. He also kept saying he wanted out but I told him it’s rude to get up during the performance so we have to stay. I told him we could go home when break time comes because he said he was bored.

I honestly thought he would enjoy the show because he loves The Legend of Zelda and they have the huge screen up and play clips from the video games so i thought he would enjoy watching that but I was wrong. Plus I let my husband talk me into it when i wasn’t sure because it would be late at night and past his bedtime and also he has a history of not being quiet and sitting still but he has done good in movies when my husband would take him. I also couldn’t take my son out of the auditorium or else it would be rude so I tried to keep him quiet. I whispered to him and talked quietly. But when we got back to the auditorium during break after I had bought a poster and a t shirt, my son decided he wanted to sit in the back seats and there were no people in them during the performance so i figured this would be the best place to sit because we would be isolated from everyone and no one would be bothered by us. I was thinking about doing that during the performance but we couldn’t move or else it would be rude. So I notice a piece of paper with words on our chair, I am not sure if was on my chair or my son’s but I read it and it was a complaint. We were accused of being loud and being rude and didn’t they see I was trying to keep my kid quiet the whole time and occupied. I don’t like passive aggressive notes so i wonder why they didn’t just tell me to my face than leaving a note. I just ignored the note and went on with the evening and never said anything to people around me.

Then the show starts again and my son wants to move and I tell him we are sitting away from everyone because he keeps talking and making noise, but he still gets up and starts to whine so I grab my stuff and pull him out of the auditorium breaking the social rule. It had just started again and we were in the back and there was no one else and sitting out in the lobby and watching the performance on the flat screen TV broke my son finally. He cried and whined and wouldn’t be quiet and I just sat out ignoring it and told him this was a place for him to be noisy and whiny because we are not in there and he decided he wanted to be in there so he was upset that I wouldn’t let him back in there. I tell him he can’t be in the auditorium because he keeps talking and making noise so we are out here now. I let him carried on and I told him he would have to prove to me he can be quiet by being quiet right now and no whining. I told him to be quiet for four minutes and to not make a sound and every time he makes a peep, the timer will start over. That made him cry and I let him carry on. Then finally he was playing my old 3DS I had given him and he had not made a peep and I decided I will bring him back in the auditorium if he says anything about it. Then finally he said “I have been quiet” and I tell him “Oh good, now we can go back in the auditorium but the sound has to be off or else I will bring you back out here.”

So we go back in and sit in the back seats again and he starts to make a pee and I tell him he has to be quiet or I will bring him back out in the lobby again. He stayed quiet for the rest of the time and there wasn’t much left to the performance so I will guess it was about twenty minutes we were back in there.

I finally broke him to be quiet during the performance and he sat still and didn’t move around in his chair. But my son is not ready for this concert so Disney on Ice would have been better. Now that is a place to make sounds and cry and talk because I have seen it there and you can get up during the performance. I did notice there were no babies at the Zelda concert and no toddlers. There were kids there but they were older. I learned the hard way my son is still too young so I made a mistake of bringing him. I don’t even take him to movies so why did I even think this would be okay? Because they had the big screen and he is always watching videos on youtube so I thought he would like that and stay quiet and still. Boy was I wrong and I hope I didn’t ruin anyone’s performance around me.

What bullshit article

Friday, October 23rd, 2015

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/9-ways-to-learn-the-truth-about-a-person-on-facebook_561d3c59e4b0c5a1ce60ac4b?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

1. If they leave off the year of their birthday, it’s probably intentional.

They are hoping to pass for younger (or in the case of the few remaining teens on the site, they are hoping to pass for older). When challenged, these year-omitters might try to claim they did it to thwart identity theft. Of course, anyone serious about identity theft steers clear of Facebook in the first place, which brings us back to the lying about your age thing.

Maybe they don’t want people knowing their real birth date because of witch hunts that happen online. There will be people that will try and hunt you down and look you up to find anything personal about you so what you can do about that is hiding certain things from the public such as your birth date. And identity theft, yeah people might still want to use Facebook to keep in touch with their friends and family but they might not want to put their year down they were born.

2. What’s missing from Facebook is likely missing from their lives.

We all have a Facebook friend who posts more photos of her pets than of her children. We see the dogs on her bed, the cats snuggling with her on the couch. She dresses them up for Halloween and provides status updates about whatever cute things they did that day. Meanwhile, we never hear a peep about her college freshman. Safe to assume, neither does she.

Also bullshit. Ever heard of TMI or putting your drama online. Should I post about my daughter having a diaper blow out or post about how sick my son is or post about how I wish everyone in my home would clean up and be neat and how I wish my son would stop making messes so I keep taking his toys away and got rid of lot of them? I guess because I never put that on Facebook, those things must not have ever happened.

3.  Even when their closest claim to fame is their near-brush with it, they still humble-brag.

 These are the people who write things like, “I am so bereft to learn of this famous literary agent’s passing. She rejected my first novel, but sent me an encouraging note that, in its entirety, said ‘keep writing!’ Here is a link to my self-published book, which I will now dedicate to her for helping me see the talent I clearly have within.”

Yeah I’ve noticed online that when you writer anything good about yourself, you are bragging. I came to a conclusion bragging is not a bad thing after all and people say someone is bragging because they are just jealous. So I posted on Facebook my son got invited to his first birthday party, I guess that is a brag because I posted something good. But yet if we ever say anything negative, we are seen as whiners, you can’t win. But yet if you don’t post anything on Facebook, everything would be missing from your life, go figure so you still can’t win.

4. Read between the lines for what they aren’t saying.

“My hubby insisted I take a work break and go have a picnic lunch with him. What a guy!” means “The exterminator just sprayed the house and we had to leave, but old Cheapo insisted I make sandwiches first. And here we are in the park being eaten alive by mosquitoes.”

So the author is telling us to twist what we read on Facebook, read into things that are not there. That is how rumors start and why lies are told about other people, people just read into things. This is also why people have poor reading comprehension. I just wish people would be literal and makes me glad I am.

5. There’s something up when their profile photo is never of them.

The site is called FACEbook, right? It is not called “PrettyTreeBook” or “MyCatBook.” Facebook is where old friends from high school find each other. What conclusion should we draw? When photos are shared on a need-to-know basis, somebody doesn’t want somebody else to see them.

Maybe they do have real photos but only friends can see them or certain people on their friends. Maybe they don’t want their photos to be public so they are careful who they share them with.

6. People who put you in groups instead of inviting you to join are desperate people.

They may claim that they mistakenly “thought” they were inviting you, offer up a feeble apology and then tell you how if you don’t like it you can just waste the next 10 minutes figuring out the multiple steps to leave the group. Oopsie, sorry.

Truth is, most of these people know that if they had invited you to join, you likely wouldn’t have. And since their goal is to create the illusion that whatever they are doing is super-popular or at least legitimate, they just put you in. Yes, Facebook will send you a notice telling you that you’ve been groupified, but this inconsiderate act is bad netiquette committed on the part of a desperate Facebooker. Either that or someone has gotten seriously bad marketing advice.

I have no argument here because this does annoy lot of people and some even find this rude.

7. Some are adept at the art of the spin, others not so much.

“I am so excited to be starting this next chapter! Life is just such an adventure,” means the poster has likely lost his job.

“When I look back on my long career as a real estate agent, all I see are the many lives I’ve helped change.” So, is this a queen of foreclosure sales who’s having a hard time looking in the mirror, or someone trying to convince us that she’s not in it for the 6 percent commission but rather for the good of humanity?

Reading between the lines bullshit again. Maybe they found a better job or got a job offer somewhere else and they decided to move up the ladder.

8. They use Facebook for medical advice, which is curious in itself.

When someone posts a photo of the flesh-eating rash that is consuming their body and asks Facebook strangers if they’ve ever seen anything like it, what are they really saying? It could be that “It’s 4 a.m. and I don’t want to pay the $50 extra fee that the doctor charges if I annoy him in any way.” But it also could be that this is a person without adequate health coverage and or is just doctor-phobic. We sincerely hope that anyone experiencing life-threatening symptoms won’t assume that Facebook is their best choice for medical advice. (That would be WebMD, as we all well know.)

Also no argument here and this also happens on forums too.

9. When someone constantly asks strangers for money, they are less a fool than you think. 

While you may consider these posters to be the Facebook equivalent of the panhandlers you pass on your way to work, there is one big difference: These posters have faster WiFi, and most likely a home in which to use it. People ask strangers on Facebook for money all the time and for various reasons: to adopt children, to get their dog surgery, to pay for their kid’s expensive summer dance camp. Sometimes we give them something because it makes us feel good to help; other times we scratch our heads and wonder how they plan to afford that child they want to adopt when they can’t afford the costs of the adoption. So what’s the lesson here? Some people really believe it takes a village. And only donations to registered charities will get you a tax break. Also, sometimes the good guy wins, like Umpqua Community College shooting survivor and hero Chris Mintz, whose cousin set up a gofundme account, spread the word on Facebook, and raised more than $800,000.

I see nothing wrong with this and this happens in real life too. I remember my brother asking for money from our relatives when he was trying to go to Europe with a class and my parents paid for him to go to China this summer for school. He also asked them to help him so he can go to law school and they are paying his rent and everything because he is too busy to work because he has to go to school and do studying and homework and he wouldn’t be able to do this without my parents help. But some people do this on Facebook now where they have friends and family on there instead of picking up the phone to call or writing them a letter or email. Also adoption is expensive and even parents don’t have to pay a lot when they give birth to their own child but yet adoption costs way more. Adopting from foster care is very cheap (only cost a couple thousand) and sometimes it’s free to adopt through foster care after you have fostered that child but it depends on the US state. I read in Oregon it’s free. So just because someone can’t afford to adopt doesn’t mean they can’t afford to raise a child. You even have to fly over seas to pick up your child you are adopting and that is also expensive.

Off Thursday

Thursday, October 22nd, 2015

I am off today but next week I am back to working five days again but my schedule will be different every Thursday and my boss changed my schedule a little bit for the other days starting Monday. I am still working the same floors but I will be doing composting and recycling on all the floors. I am not sure if I will be doing the same duty in the basement but next time I see my boss, I will ask or else it’s trial and error.

A book ahead of its time

Tuesday, October 20th, 2015

Stephen King published a book in 1974 called Carrie. I first read it when I was 15 and I could relate to her because she was bullied and no one helped her. She was branded as evil and it was considered a horror novel. Laura in my class told me she was evil and she has special powers and she kills everyone with them and then dies at the end.

I get curious and read it. I realize now this is a version of school shootings. They didn’t happen then and were not common but according here it has always happened. Basically Stephen King has written about his version of a school shooting due to the character being bullied so she goes evil and kills everyone instead of just her bullies and teachers who enabled it and then she dies at the end just like most school shooters. It was as if he was predicting the future so he showed in his novel how harmful bullying is and how it can drive people to kill.

Fast forward twenty years later, we all start hearing about school shootings. The first one I ever heard was this one and my mom was shocked and disgusted. I was shocked too.

But in the 2002 remake, she was more portrayed as a victim than someone evil and Sue tells her it wasn’t her fault and is driving in the car with her while Carrie sits in the passenger seat.  In the new movie starring Julianne Moore Carrie dies at the end but uses her powers to push Sue out of her house before it collapse on her to save her life. She was going to kill her too but saves her life instead because she is pregnant. I think that movie followed the novel more than the 2002 remake and I was glad she didn’t kill Sue.

As a teen I would think that people would put an end to bullying to stop school shootings but instead they have invented the zero tolerance policy and have security points in school where students have to walk through them and the security checks for weapons. I thought they had it backwards. I thought they should try and look at what is causing it to prevent it than do this. Like I say here I was raised to look at what is causing the behavior before before you put a stop to it.

But the double standard I cannot stand seeing here is how people are taking about what causes school shootings and that is totally okay to even talk about how bullying causes it but yet if anyone talks about what causes parents to kill their disabled kids and say how lack of help and support causes it, people with autism go in a uproar about it but yet they find that okay about school shooters. But people are also talking about what is causing deaths of special needs kids and people with autism get offended by it and see it as a justification but they turn around and do that about school shooters. There are two threads about it on Wrongplanet already posted this month. But yet if we also talk about what causes bullying, that is also seen as making an excuse for bullies and sympathizing with them. But aren’t they making excuses for school shootings and sympathizing with them? I am going by their logic here.

It had been years since I have seen the original and the 2002 remake and I only saw the newest remake once so my memories about them might not be accurate. I had to cheat and look the movies up online.

But why wasn’t school shootings common when my parents were kids and now they are more common? When you look on Wikipedia, you will see how the list has increased with school shootings. I think certain kids should not be around fire arm if they have a history of violence, lack of impulse control, being impulsive, have behavior issues, emotional issues, any sort of problems because that is the pattern I have noticed with school shooters. They always seem to have these issues. My parents made sure to not ever have any fire arm around at home and made sure my grandfather’s gun stayed locked u because of my own issues and they wanted to take precaution so I wouldn’t be on the list. I read these stories and think who is the right mind lets their kids have a gun and handle fire arm if they already had issues and had a bunch of violent thoughts and fantasies and have obsessions with it? It looks like neglect to me. But Adam Lanza was an adult and so was Christopher Harper-Mercer. I wonder if they still would have done it if they didn’t have any fire arm as a kid and were never taught how to handle a gun. I am in my thirties now and have never handled a gun or shot one. I have never owned one either or been around any. I never wanted to have one because I can’t trust myself with it and I fear that I will use it on someone thinking I am in trouble or that I have a break in. I have heard about accidental deaths in homes because kids find them and shoot someone with it or parents kill their own children thinking they were having a break in. Those stories make me not want to have one. And my husband wanted a BB gun. But I would be fine with nerf guns and water guns and cap guns. And my brothers did have BB guns as children but I never handled one because I was never interested. I am surprised those weren’t locked away. But who is going to go to school and do a shooting spree with BBs? They won’t kill people easily and a bullet is so much quicker to kill.

Ignorance is no excuse

Monday, October 19th, 2015

With my mother, she always has to know what is causing something before you do a thing about it. if a kid is acting up, you have to look at what is causing their behavior before you punish them. If they are doing it because they are tired, you give them a nap. If they are acting that way because of anxiety, figure out why they are having it.

As a kid, whenever I was doing a behavior that was not okay, she and my dad had to figure out first what caused it. Apparently they couldn’t just punish it out of me and bam I learn my lesson and not do it again. So growing up I would do things and get away with it because it was a matter of being talked to about it. When i was seven I came home screaming one day and my mom scolded me about it and I remember her making me put my coat and back pack back on and come back inside without screaming. Then later she talked to me about it and I apologized and told her it was school behavior so I was at home now so I had to do home behavior. So instead of teaching me to not scream at home and telling me to not do it in school, she had to pull me out of that class because I was acting up and mimicking negative behaviors. Never again did she and my dad put me in special classes or have me go to a special school for kids with learning disorders or otherwise I would mimic the negative behavior. When my school wanted me in a behavior program, my parents had to get a lawyer and apparently the Asperger’s diagnoses stopped them from putting me in that class. My parents didn’t want me there because I would have mimicked the behavior issues and then do it at home and then realize it’s school behavior.

I just had no sense of right or wrong or what is appropriate behavior. I always looked at others around me and figured out how I am supposed to act. If rules were broken, it would confuse me. If people did inappropriate things, it would confuse me. Only way I could tell if it was wrong is if they got in trouble for it. I was a copycat. But of course my social skills might have seemed fine as a young child because I mimicked but as I got older, it got more prominent because of puberty and kids change and start doing things and testing their limits more and social rules change too so mine were all of a sudden very poor now.

Of course my mom told my school that other kids were setting a bad example for me when she saw on video how other kids were acting. I am sure that came off as my mom blaming my behavior on other kids and not taking any responsibility for mine. Just like how it might seem like that my mother blamed my screaming on the other boy in my class who always did it which is where I learned the behavior so she wanted to get me out of that class so she did.

So in a way my mom did shelter me because she wanted to teach me appropriate behavior, have me learn social skills and because I always mimicked people, she kept me away from certain people and only wanted me with normal kids. She did have me do group therapy and then she regretted it because kids there were so dysfunctional and I would get confused about how to act and my mom always had to spend the rest of her day answering my questions about the contradictions. I would see something and then be confused about why it’s okay to do it but I had been told it wasn’t okay so how come that person can do it. How would you explain this double standard to a concrete thinker and someone who is so literal and so black and white? How would you even explain to a seven year old me about why that boy can scream at school and I can’t? Which is why she got me out of there because it was easier to get me away from those kids and put me with normal kids without trying to teach the behavior out of me and then I go back to school and still see it and then still do it because I can’t understand why he has that rule and I don’t. If I am allowed to do it there, it’s not wrong and it’s a rule there.

Because of all this, I had learned that I was not responsible for my behavior if I didn’t know or because I was taught it or was told it was okay to do. I learned the hard way as an adult that we are all responsible for our behavior no matter what. Ignorance isn’t an excuse.

When I was in 6th grade, my mom told me about mercy kill and that Oregon was the only state that allowed it. If someone is suffering and they are in lot of pain, you can kill them and it’s call a mercy kill. For years I thought if someone is in chronic pain and suffering very badly, you can kill them. Fast forward to my late twenties, my grandmother is dying so I tell my mother we can always kill her to make her death quicker because she is in pain and is already dying so let’s make it quicker and I said if people want to do a mercy kill, they would have to bring them to Oregon and kill them there. My mom told me the person has to consent to it and my grandmother can’t consent to it so it would be murder. Then she started laughing when she realized I thought if anyone is suffering, you can just kill them. I probably took it too literal when I was 12 years old. But what if I had killed her, the judge wouldn’t have slammed down his gavel saying “Young lady, what you did was very wrong but that is not how euthanasia works. They have to consent to it and your grandmother couldn’t because of her condition so next time you do this again, I will sentence you twenty five years in prison so I will sentence you instead to learn the laws about euthanasia.” No that is not how it works in the real world vs being a child when you make a mistake because you misunderstood something or learned the wrong lesson so the adult corrects you and you are off the hook. Part of being a kid is learning about the real world so kids will be let off the hook after being given a lecture.

In Full House, Michelle Tanner learns that when things get taken from her, you pinch them because that is what her uncle told her when Aaron took her cookie so he had her pinch him back to get his cookie. Instead she had learn you pinch someone if they take something from you so when Stephanie took her lamp just to borrow it, Michelle started pinching her and once Jesse realized what he had done, he corrected her and didn’t punish her for it because she had learned the wrong lesson. But if she were an adult and someone taught her the wrong thing, she would be held responsible for her behavior and get punished for it.

It is unfair but life is unfair. My therapist told me in high school if I can’t be responsible for my behavior, I can’t be out in the real world. That would mean I would need to be in a group home or something and have my adult rights revoked and have a legal guardian. That is not the life I want.

My husband was given a warning by our local transportation system because he didn’t have a all zone pass when he was going to work. We were both misinformed at the ticket office that the airport was in zone 2 so my husband always had a 2 zone bus pass until the fair inspector saw it and gave him a warning. My husband was very upset because 1) It wasn’t his fault 2) What if he made another mistake, then he would get a $500 fine. For me it was no big deal because 1) He didn’t get a huge fine 2) He was only given a warning so now he knows. But for my husband a warning is only fair if you deliberately break a rule, not on accident. But the thing is anyone can break a rule intentionally and then play ignorant which is why people who make a mistake get penalized. Just like on forums if you keep breaking the rules on accident, you get penalized because they don’t know if you are that dense and naive and can’t understand the rules because you don’t know where to draw the line. Which is also why we have ignorance is no excuse for when someone breaks the law because anyone can claim they didn’t understand the law when they did it and that they misunderstood it or that they didn’t know about it. So that makes people with disabilities more vulnerable to getting into trouble with the law which was why I always had anxiety about it as a teenager. That is probably why I was obsessed with crime movies because I wanted to know right from wrong so i wouldn’t break any laws on accident and go to jail. I also read lot of crime stuff too. But it was my interest too so it wasn’t any distress, I think my fear just triggered that interest. Then once my fear went away, my interest in crime got less intense. My special interest could have been OCD related. I wonder if people with OCD can also have special interests they enjoy just like autistic people and spend lot of their time thinking about it and reading about it. What triggered the fear, bullies. Kids taking advantage of me and egging me to do things I didn’t want to do and then getting in trouble for it. I realize maybe my school was trying to teach me about the real world but it backfired because all I saw was injustice and that everyone picked on me because of my name being Beth and because I am different. But probably the Asperger’s diagnoses changed all that because finally kids left me alone and everything and that was at the end of the school year. But because of that, it got me really paranoid about adult life so I got into crime. I had to look over myself and protect myself from these people so I had to get myself educated so i could be safe and people would leave me alone if they saw I was too smart and not target me. I guess this is an example of taking responsibility for yourself so yeah Karen is right, that is another perk from bullying I got.

Update on my toenails

Saturday, October 17th, 2015

Awhile back I posted this

This is what my toe nails look like now:

It no longer hurts and I feel nothing on it.

Things I am already tired of in Mario Maker

Saturday, October 17th, 2015

This is the game I have been playing and I have been playing it everyday and have uploaded some levels and deleted a few because I didn’t really like them. One of them was my son’s but it’s just spammed with platforms and enemies and items. I never liked his course TBH. My best ones so far I have created are Mario Bros retro and Vine to the Exit. The rest I have made are not really my favorite so I am trying to work on a cool level and I hope people will like it and it gets lot of stars. I will download other levels sometimes to see how they created them and the homes or buildings. Now on with what I am tired of already.

Automatic courses:

This is so boring now. I want to play the level, not watch Mario beat it on his own. It’s a waste of my time and these levels do come in handy for 100 Mario Challenges. But I decided to start skipping these levels.

Just run courses:

This is also getting boring so I am going to start skipping these soon too because they are also like the automatic courses except you hold down the run button and the D pad to make him move.

Musical levels:

I want to play the level, running across the bottom of the screen while enemies hit the note blocks to make musical notes is not playing the level if there are no enemies or obstacles. I did come across one of them where you had to jump at the very end and I thought that was clever. I should have given that level a star for the creativity and original work.