Archive for October, 2016

Why I blog

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

Someone reposted a blog entry on their blog and I only read parts of it but the blogger wrote what that blog post was about. It is here.

Not very many people read this blog, in fact very few do less than 10 on average a day. But my other blog is more popular because I get around 250-300 visitors a day on average. But the reason why I blog here is because I like to write out my thoughts and feelings. I do not have anywhere else to talk about it unless I want to keep talking about my same thoughts over and over flooding forums and coming off as an attention seeker and whiner. If you are just doing a blog to get fame and to be popular and to get lot of comments and readers, you are setting yourself up for big disappointment.


Okay time to see a therapist

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

I had been advised I should go see one because I am not a therapist or a psychologist so I must go to a therapist. I am just going around in circles and will never get answers and I was told I was making up scenarios that never happened, whatever that means.

And if a therapist refuses to discuss my ex and about the stuff she did, I will just get a new therapist. My last one shut me down and didn’t want to talk about it. That is not a good therapist but it was just a therapist in training. Perhaps I need to see one who specializes in domestic abuse. They will talk about it and I will hear an expert opinion than from  random strangers online. So today after I get up again I will look online at therapists and see if any of them take Medicare and if not, I will also try the free ones again and hope they know about domestic abuse and studied it and they would also have to know about disorders too so they can help me figure it out. I have been obsessing about domestic abuse for over a year now. Also maybe I will get to hear their expert opinion on abusers faking disorders and see what they say. All I have seen online was that being written by users than by experts. I have not once seen a article anywhere online about narcissists or borderliners faking disabilities or mental illnesses to hide behind it.

How to get misdiagnosed with BPD

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

I read that women are more likely to be diagnosed with BPD. I have thought of something.

What if Jerry ghosting me had traumatized me so much it made me fear abandonment so I was clingy to my husband and very needy and always wanted him around and never liked to let him out of my site. I always had to call him to be sure he was around because I was so worried about being ghosted again. Then let’s say I was seeing a therapist for this problem. I tell her this and then I tell her about my history. Psychologist visits always go over your childhood and history.

So what if I had said how suicidal I was in my teens and in 6th grade and always talking about killing myself and even threatening it and wanting to punish my family by wanting to kill myself so they will be sorry. Also what if I said I always talked about killing myself whenever I got mad at myself. Then what if I had talked about my self harm I did when I was 16 and show my three scars on my left hand. Then what if I had talked about the time I had nearly burned down the family barn because I was so upset because I lit the trash on fire next to the rotted wood from the rotted corals my parents had torn down. The trash and the wood had burned and then the grass burned too and it got near the barn and didn’t go any further.

What if I had also said my mom and others would say how I didn’t care about others but myself. The psychologist would see lack of empathy in me and me difficulty feeling it for others.

Now does this sound like BPD so far? Can you see how a therapist might think of me as having BPD and also the fact I am a female?

Also I can understand now that one website about how not to get diagnosed with BPD and how to get a different diagnoses instead. I think it could have been talking about how to avoid that misdiagnoses because it can look that way sometimes so hence the misdiagnoses.

Also I was very mad in my junior year of high school and hostility is one of the symptoms of BPD.

Also what if I had expressed how I fear rejection so I tend to avoid making friends and approaching people because I fear I would not be liked. This could be seen as a symptom of BPD for fear of rejection and fear of abandonment. Also what if I talked about both relationships I had with Jayden and Jerry, both were bad and unstable so that would be another strike against me leading to the diagnoses.

No doctor should be making a quick diagnoses and this is why. But the thing is I display none of this now except for fearing rejections and having two bad relationships and I didn’t need treatment for this to go away. So what would have happened if I had gotten diagnosed with this? The label would have followed me and it would have affected my doctor visits in the future because it would have been in the system about my list of disorders I have. They would have looked at me differently and affect how they approach me and maybe take me less seriously thinking it was the BPD talking. I think that is what that one article may have actually been about for how to avoid a BPD diagnoses. Plus if any doctor is quick you slap a diagnoses on you, find yourself a new doctor.




My daughter is sick

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

I now know why my daughter has been acting up and been so ruley lately and naughty. She was sick. I feel like a bad mother sometimes because I can’t even read these cues about how a child is feeling like if they are in pain unless they do a pain cry or if they are sick or what. I just cannot tell. But my husband made the appointment for Friday that same day and after I went to work, my mom took my husband to the appointment with my son and daughter and they were in the office and she was not happy. She even hit the doctor. It turns out she has two pink eyes and a ear infection and was given medicine for it. It was my mother who said she might have a pink eye and to make an appointment so my husband came and got me and I looked the number up online for the health clinic and my husband called and I gave him the health insurance card for my daughter.

Good thing I have other people around because I cannot imagine what would happen if my kids got sick and I couldn’t tell because of their lack of language skills to tell me. My son can talk but would he be able to really explain to me? My daughter isn’t able to tell me her eyes hurt or tell me her ear is sore and tell me how much pain she is in. I would end up neglecting my kids unintentionally and that is a form of abuse so it would have been accidental child abuse.

Family ignorance

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

I saw another question being posted online asking if anyone had ever had to endure bullying in the family.

Occasionally my brothers and their friends would deliberately make messes to stress me out and run off and hide or take my Barbies and pull the clothes off them and put them in my dollhouse having them hanging out of windows and denying they did it. This was about it. The rest was just typical sibling annoyance like going in my room, whining, messing with my dollhouse or playhouse and they were little so they didn’t know any better. I know my youngest brother didn’t whine to piss any of us off, that was just who he is. That was not bullying there, only when they would deliberately make messes to stress me out and what they did with my Barbies.

But when my brothers got older, they started to have friends over more and more often because they had reached the age where kids start to socialize and chit chat and always have their friends around. It started to get too much for me to handle because they would be in my personal space, make too much noise, make messes and move too many things around. I did not like it at all so it would stress me out. That was when my parents started to change. They would get mad at me for my anxiety and that started to make it worse so I got worse. I remember when i pointed this out to them, they said they didn’t change I did. Yes the gaslighting behavior I had to face. They didn’t see my perspective and see it from my side so they denied denied any change and said I was the one who changed. But meanwhile my brothers seemed to get worse and worse all because they were getting older and louder and I didn’t understand why I had all of a sudden gotten more sensitive to the noise and why I was having more anxiety than before. But no one gave a damn, it was made out to be my fault and even the pills didn’t work because I still had it. Maybe if I took them every day instead of when I was having anxiety, maybe they would have been effective.

Another problem I faced was lack of understanding from my family. My brothers were still too young to understand my condition so they just ignored my needs and my problems. They just kept on minding their own business and doing what they were doing not even paying attention to my behavior and my anxiety. I remember the nights of not being able to relax and sleep because I was so worried about my brothers making messes and it didn’t help when my parents would get mad at me about it.

Then we moved into our new house and that was exciting. We had lots of room now. But my anxiety was still worse because my dad decided to bring home a new puppy who wouldn’t learn to pee outside because he had his bathroom all backwards. Then it didn’t help that no one wanted to house train it and pay attention to it so tremendous anxiety I had. Then when that puppy passed away, I was better again but I still had anxiety because of lack of understanding from my family. Whenever my brothers had parties, I would get worse again due to the anxiety. There would be messes and I hated messes and it would stress me out. Also no one would pick up after themselves and I was very obsessive about a clean house and I would have anxiety about dirt and crumbs and dirty dishes in the sink or laying all over.

I remember I felt abused because I was having all this anxiety so it felt like I was being abused and tortured and tormented because everyone kept doing things that was stressing me out and they knew it did but they kept on doing it. When I tried to tell this to my mother, she just went “You only want to move out because you just want your way.” That was hurtful because that was implying I was just having a tantrum and being controlling. It was very invalidating. How hard is it to just wipe up your crumbs or just throw away garbage or put something away when you are done with it or how hard is to wipe up your spill or mess or when you do a drop on the floor? But her just saying I wanted my way makes it sound like I was only having tantrums and being manipulative to get what I want and that I was choosing to have anxiety and being all stressed out or that I was faking it. What happened to the mother that used to understand me? She said I was the one who changed, not her and I was just screaming like a two year old. I think she said that to justify her treatment of me than admitting she lacked compassion and understanding. I have been noticing a lot of people have narcissistic tenancies but it doesn’t mean they are narcissists nor does it mean they have NPD. My mom had that N tenancy. Avoiding responsibility, putting the blame on me, the gaslighting, finding excuses to justify her behavior. But I think it only becomes narcissist when they do it all the time and my mom doesn’t do it all the time. She only does it in certain areas but not in most areas. I don’t think she will ever understand and I don’t bother trying to explain it to her because I don’t want to deal with this and having all the blame thrown on me because that is like blaming it on an autistic person or on someone for being deaf or for being sick with a mental illness and I feel that is what she is doing with me. She is acting like I did this all on purpose and I acted it all out and I was being manipulative and having tantrums to get my way. She is acting like I wanted to be that way. No she never apologized for her cold behavior and for saying that or for her lack of understanding. That is why I think she still doesn’t get it. She doesn’t have anxiety, she is not in my head so what would she know. She doesn’t even know ASD gets worse in adolescence or she would have understood that in me. Even then I thought I was going crazy and I didn’t understand what was going on and why has it gotten worse for me? I even feel sometimes to this day that maybe I acted all that out and faked it and maybe I really was just being a bitch and wanted my way and I was using anxiety as an excuse. I even feel I should have tried harder and hold in my feelings and try and suffer in silence instead of showing it.

My therapist was no help either because he didn’t seem to have an understanding because he kept saying I was a police woman and using my own condition against me by saying “when people tell you to stop yelling, do you stop?” That is like telling someone “When people tell you to stop having a sensory overload, do you stop?” Also he acted like I wanted my way because he was saying how everyone puts up with stuff and my parents put up with the messes and noise for one night. For me it was pure torture while for most people it might just be an annoyance. For me it was beyond annoyance. But no one cared.

My mom also thought I was trying to be Asperger’s as if I wanted to have all that anxiety and always be so stressed out and always have daily meltdowns due to the chaos they were doing. Then she blamed it on my school counselor so she fired him. I think she just needed someone to blame and it was him because of what he said but I wonder what would have happened if he had said I had anxiety instead of Asperger’s. Then what? But I think she was just so upset because I had gotten worse due to the anxiety and my brothers getting older and what they were doing and their lack of following my rules so that made me worse so I think my mother needed him to blame. She just needed an excuse for me and used him because he became the culprit because of what he said. But she had accidentally found out from that that he wasn’t the right person for me to be seeing because he didn’t think I could get better, he didn’t say “it will get better once she gets passed these teens and she is out on her own.” He didn’t show sympathy for my mother. He also didn’t have faith in me and he told her my parents were wasting their money on me seeing a therapist and saying I will always be that way. So she was right to fire him due to that reason than for the other thing. Plus he was just giving me excuses and wasn’t teaching me how to cope and get better and he didn’t have a PH D but was acting like he was a therapist instead of just a counselor. So of how much he told me, I have no idea if it was BS or not.

But since my mom had told me my therapist had gotten me mad on purpose to get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings, I wonder if he was being ignorant of my anxiety on purpose to piss me off. Mom told me he wanted me to get mad at him and hate on him so I would get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings from over the years. Now I don’t know anymore of how much he said was truthful or just him trying to piss me off.

But once my brothers got to high school, they started to follow my rules so instead of being loud and doing running in and out of the house, they started to be quiet and stay in their area and taking off their shoes. I then started to not notice when my brothers were having parties or had friends over because they would be so quiet. They still watched TV and talked and played video games but they were not acting all wild like teens do when they hang out. My brothers finally were older so they started to understand and found a compromise. Then I was acting normal because of no more anxiety. I was calm and they were not doing all that chaos. So I got better again because of less anxiety. Then I moved out like I’ve always wanted since I was 16.

I am sure if I were to compare this to abuse and torment and bullying and saying that is what it was like for me and it was like they were doing it intentionally to upset me and make me stressed out and uncomfortable because I had already told them how it made me feel and how I don’t like it and how much it upsets me, it might come off as manipulation because they are not in my head so what would they know? They would just think I am just saying this to be manipulative and that I wanted my way and still trying to do that. So that is why I don’t really talk about it and I just keep it to myself and only share it online because I am sure they would understand, those who suffer from anxiety, those who suffer from OCD, those who suffer from autism or sensory processing disorder. But anyone else reading this, I am sure they would just think I am whining and being a cry baby because what would they know if they have never experienced it?



Everyone has something wrong with them these days

Saturday, October 22nd, 2016

Have you ever noticed online how people always tend to armchair diagnose someone rather it’s BPD, NPD, sociopath, autism, etc. Even I am guilty of it.

I have noticed on Reddit how victims will label their former abuser as a narcissist or as having BPD, I even see questions being posted on there asking if their partner is a narcissist or if they have BPD. I have already written a post here so that also covers this topic.

I think with more awareness of mental illnesses and disorders, people now wonder these days if every rude person has a disorder or someone who is self absorbed or someone who is selfish or a jerk. If someone is difficult, another person might wonder if they have something wrong with them. I have even seen some atheists say online how religion should be a mental illness and asking how is it not an illness. I even told my mother if people can’t even figure out right from wrong and can’t have morals, it must be some sort of impairment. But she disagreed saying it limits your day to day life.

Two weeks back, someone had asked if their partner had BPD because they were asking if any of it sounded like it and I read it and I couldn’t really tell. I told the person I thought people today want to easily label people and they also wonder if someone has a disorder these days. Then I wrote she could just be a shitty person and all it matters is how someone treats you. If they treat you horribly, that is all it matters. Not what disorder they have. And someone else agreed with me and said “this.”

I have heard this over and over “Everyone has problems” but where do you draw the line for disorder and normal? Just when does a problem become a disorder? I find it hard to believe that every person out there has a medical condition or disorder. I have to ask what do people mean by “everyone has problems.” We would have to define what a problem is. To me when I hear “she has problems” to me it means they have something wrong with them, they have a condition that is diagnosed or undiagnosed and they are not ordinary so it’s not just a behavior I am seeing or a personality. It’s something and it needs to be addressed through therapy or treatment. Of course normal people go to therapy too. They go for trauma, go for hurt feelings like if they went through a break up or if they have been raped or went through a divorce. Even parents go if they don’t know what to do with their kid and they need help how to raise their child because some kids are difficult or challenging, not to be confused with special needs. People even go to therapy for if they were in a accident like of they had hit a person and it wasn’t their fault. A kid can go to therapy if they witnessed something like their sibling getting hit by a car. They can also go if there was sexual abuse. A kid can also go if they were being bullied for some reason.

But then again I find it hard to believe every person is on medication, goes to therapy, has been abused, etc. I can’t just walk up to someone and ask them if they have any problems because then it would be rude.

Dealing with self doubts about my ex

Thursday, October 20th, 2016

From time to time I still get doubts about Jerry. This is pretty normal among victims of relationships abuse.

Today I saw a post on Reddit and someone said how they would never believe themselves if they din’t have proof it happened. That person had their chat logs, and emails as proof that his ex’s behavior was ridiculous. Sadly I have none of that stuff other than a few old diary entries and I mentioned none of the stuff here because I didn’t know at the time. The only proof I have are my parents and two of my online friends.

What went through my head was the fact that I have my own set of problems so was it possible that my ex’s behavior appeared abusive because of my own anxiety. My dad doesn’t understand my anxiety so he will keep bringing up money to me from time to time and then my husband has to deal with my anxiety about it and it takes him a while to calm me down while my dad shuts down about it. He will not listen to me when I tell him stuff and that also triggers my anxiety. I started to wonder if this was all intentional and my husband told me he doesn’t think he is doing it on purpose. I asked him how can you not do it on purpose. he knows I have anxiety but he still continues doing the same behavior over and over so how is that not on purpose? My husband told me what he meant was my dad doesn’t realize how bad it is for me. Is this possible with Jerry? Is it possible she didn’t understand how bad my anxiety was and how much it affected me and if she would have known, would she have fixed my car sooner or bring my Dish Network piece in sooner? Is it also possible my anxiety was too much for her to handle so she also shut down and her way of dealing with it was to get mad at me about it and find a way to shut me up about it so she would say “we can always bring your car into a shop and it will be (insert cost here)”?

My husband has also told me how I say lot of stuff he would take offense too and now that he has gotten so used to me, he doesn’t think what I say is offensive anymore, is it possible Jerry was so sensitive, she couldn’t not take what I say not personally because of her own set of problems?

But then I remember the other stuff she has done like saying how self centered I am whenever she didn’t get her way. Saying how idiots people are when they wear cartoon characters on their clothes and saying what a bunch of snobs people are who lived in these nice houses up on the hill. Also telling her son anything about us and nothing was ever private between us. She even let her son eavesdrop on us. If I had done that as a kid, it would have been a slap in the head or face, or being yelled at or threatened with a consequence. Jerry did none of that stuff. I can understand why she wouldn’t hit her child because she was in a middle of a custody battle and rules are a bit different when you are divorced or separated so that might have gotten used against her if she had slapped her kid across the head for trying to listen in on our topic when it was private between us. But she could have at least told her child to sit back and not listen to us because it’s none of his business and scold him but she didn’t do that. Instead she found it all hilarious because she would smile and laugh. Plus my mom told me she thought the kid was a snot to me. I asked her how so and she told me it was stuff I would tell her and I would say her son said this to me or that and my ex would go “he is right” and my mother felt he was just very rude to me.

Plus the talk my mom had told me about like the phone calls I would make and hearing her in the back ground arguing with me and stuff and us fighting because she would harass me according to my mother. I asked her how was my ex harassing me and she said I would try and talk to them on the phone and she would argue with me and go “what are they saying” and telling me what to say to them.

Plus I asked my online friends about her because I was friends with them when me an Jerry were together and they told me how controlling she is and very weird and that was according to me when I would talk to them about our relationship when we were together.

I even ask myself from time to time if I made any of this up for closure and to make myself feel better. After all she did ghost me so I lost a few things like my cleaning supplies and a paycheck and money she was supposed to owe me for Dish Network. I even wonder is it possible I twisted what I read online about abuse to make it fit Jerry so I would do it for closure and to make myself feel better. I should ask on Reddit if anyone else ever feels this way about themselves.

After all in 6th grade, I thought my mom was this horrible person so I wrote a story about it and made her out to be a mean mother and my mom cried reading it because of how I felt about her but she didn’t tell me “I did none of this you said I did in your story” or “I am not this person you wrote I am in your story.” Instead she asked me why I felt that way about her and we had to work it out through therapy with my psychologist.

But because Jerry and I are not together anymore, it didn’t really matter how I feel about her so she just said “I did none of that stuff you said I did other than taking too long getting you back that Dish Network thing.” If we were still together and she found out I was feeling this way about her, then it would be time to go to a therapist to work this out. But she could have still defended herself about her actions and explain why she did those things and what her intentions were behind it but because she didn’t, it all came off as denial to me and gaslighting to make me question myself and my memories and think “maybe I am just looking at it all wrong” or “Maybe I just went crazy and created these false memories.”


Since tarp is bad for your car

Thursday, October 20th, 2016

I put trash bags over my sun roof instead and put stuff on top of it to hold it down since they’re water proof. I checked my car out a few times and everything seems dry still and I looked at the sun roof and there was no moisture. The tarp just creates moisture underneath it so I took it off and replaced it with trash bags.

I also called one of the auto body shops here to ask about paint jobs and I got an estimate of $2500 and that is pretty good. I can do that with our tax money. I found out the reason why the paint is coming off is because whoever painted the car did a poor job. And this price is for the whole entire car. If I only wanted parts of it done like the back bumper and the fender and the doors, that is different.

Also I talked to my dad again and he said he would talk to my mother about it and they will see if we can buy the Jetta because the lease on it is about up and my mom will retire in less than a year and they will only need one car and they want to travel the country and rent a car.

We also got my keys from the trunk. My son was too scared to crawl in there and I used the flashlight on my husband’s cigarette lighter and I saw the keys and used my husband’s cane to get them out. I also checked the seats and they are not wet, just sticky. I just need to clean them is all.


My husband just told me his idea. He gave me the idea about selling our car to his brother for $1500 and we give that money to my parents for down payment and then get out another $2500 from our savings for down payment and then pay $100 month for the car. I told my husband that payment might be too low. I don’t know how much the Jetta is. I told my husband to hold off sending his brother a text message because we don’t want to get his hopes up and then back out if my mom and dad say this won’t work. But we can still sell it to him and then use that money to get another car. They can just use trash bags to cover the sun roof. I am still keeping an eye on my car to check for any leaks because I don’t know if the seals are leaking too around the doors. The floorboard is still damp but I saw no water come in. My husband thinks the problem is we had heavy rain so that is why our car leaked. I say that is still a problem because we now know it leaks. I have never noticed any leaks in a car wash. But I know now not to wash my car until it’s fixed.


So sick of this anxiety

Thursday, October 20th, 2016

My mom had to work today so she left. My dad was home I tried to talk to him about getting a new car but his response was “You will just make monthly payments on it” and he didn’t seem to like the idea of me wanting a new car. I told him if it’s going to take so long to get my car in to have it fixed, it’s going to get ruined anyway because of the tarp and it’s bad for the car and we have no place to put it under cover. It needs a new paint job and he said it was fine but I told him it will just rust and he said it won rust, it’s fiber glass. I told him there is rust around the hood. He still didn’t seem to think anything different.

I am so sick of having this anxiety, my husband is asleep and I am tired of suffering and my kids are suffering because of me and I am short tempered and anything is bothering me and I don’t even want to go out of the house and I just want to stay home because of all this anxiety. I am tired of having crying spells. I don’t know what to do with myself. I think I am just going to start cancelling stuff to save money.

Starting to think about getting a new car

Thursday, October 20th, 2016

There are so many things wrong with it it’s overwhelming. I only fix the important stuff to keep it running and safe. I take it to a auto shop to get it repaired. I have the following things that are wrong with it:

New paint job

New socket

Sun roof


Water stains

Windshield wipers

Wind shield washer fluid

Starter or fuel pump

Check door sealers and above seal

Wire short

Air bag censor

Check oil


I can fix the water stains and mold myself. I can’t remember when I last had my oil changed. The sticker fell off and it got lost because someone keeps messing with my car so they take stuff like they took the spare key and I accidentally locked my keys in the trunk and I can no longer open it from the driver’s door because it doesn’t work anymore. Now you can only open it with a key. I did try to get it fixed and they said they were unable to do it so car key it is now.

It also has a short in it so the time sometimes resets back to 1:00 and sometimes the numbers fade.

It needs a new socket for the blinker.

The seal above the doors are cracking.

I either need a new starter or a fuel pump since it takes a few seconds for the car to start

Windshield wipers are cheap to replace but I just keep them going to make the windshield clear when it rains

The air bag censor has been off for ten years now when someone backed into the side of my car. I still remember the date when I first saw it flashing on my dashboard. July 6th 2006 it was.

The windshield fluid has not worked in a long time. It won’t spray out so I have stopped at gas stations to clean my windshield. To me it’s no biggie because I don’t get that many bugs hitting my windshield and when it does happen, I just stop at a gas station to clean it

My biggest concerns right now is my body paint is peeling off my car and the sun roof. Since there is rust forming on my car where the paint has peeled off, I am thinking about getting a new car now because since it costs so much for a new paint job, I will mind as well get a new car but tomorrow I am going to talk to my parents about it and get their opinion.

I have been calling my car a piece of junk to my son even though it still runs good. But right now I am focused on the sun roof before I do anything about water stains and mold. But right now I want to talk to my parents about getting a new car and I might just skip the sun roof thing and since tarp is bad for your car, I will mind as well trade it in since the car would get ruined anyway if I kept it because of the sun roof and the tarp.

I sometimes call my car a pos instead of a piece of shit because not something I want to teach my son and have him say in school.

Also stuff is peeling off the windows now on my son’s side. Plus it’s sort of peeling on my driver’s side too. They look just like drops. Plus it’s starting to peel on the back window too behind the seats and my son peeled some leather off my driver’s seat and I yelled at him about it. Another shit my son ruined.

Another thing I have on my mind now is getting rid of my piece of junk car so I wouldn’t have to worry about it and no more anxiety because I wouldn’t have to see it anymore and worry about it. But I would hate to be a burden to my parents. I can always use the Saab if I have to. Hopefully the sunroof in it isn’t leaking since it has been parked under trees for so long. I also call it a piece of junk.

I can always buy rust remover to remove the rust on my car and buy a car water proof cover to keep on my car when it’s cloudy out to protect it from the rain and I would make sure it allows moisture to escape.

I can’t wait until morning. My husband is convinced we are getting a new car and I am unsure. That is why I am talking to my parents about it first so they can tell me if it’s worth getting a new car and if we should just get a new car than trying to get the sun roof fixed. That would be money saved and we would have more money for a down payment and if they are okay with us using their cars until we get our tax money to buy a new car if we don’t have enough in savings for a down payment. I had already starting looking at used cars online.

This would be less stressful if we had a garage to put my car in. But because of no place to put my car in, I am thinking of just getting rid of it since it will be ruined anyway. The tarp won’t protect it because I just read online it ruins the paint and makes it rust due to trapping moisture and the fact when the wind blows, the tarp is like sandpaper to the car and it’s bad for the paint, especially if dirt gets under it. Plus without the tarp, it will just leak if it rains hard and there will be mold on the headboards and stuff and make the car smell and ruin the other stuff in the car who knows what. Or I just need to get a car water proof cover for my car. I had started thinking about it but the tarp thing for now shouldn’t hurt my car since it’s not for months or a few months or even a month and if it’s going to take us a while to get our car in to get the sun roof fixed, I will just get rid of the car since it will get ruined anyway and the fact we have no place to put it to keep it out of the weather when not in use. Or I will just buy a car tarp that is water proof.