Archive for the ‘bullying’ Tag

Why people fear what they don’t understand

Monday, February 19th, 2018

For ages and centuries, people who are different have always been treated bad. Deformed or disabled babies would be left to die out in fields, blacks have been used as slaves, Native Americans were treated as animals and non human, we had circus freak shows because we decided to turn deformed people into a display for everyone to look at. Now people still judge others who are different and still criticized something that is different or shun awkward people even though they are “normal” and judge them and single them out.

Why do these things happen?

My speculation here is we are animals. Animals fear what is different than their own species so they run away and don’t let you near them or they attack when feel threatened. That is how they protect themselves because they don’t know if you will harm them and that is how they protect themselves from danger, they stay in their own pack. Us humans are the same way because we are animals. But because we are animals, people get this irrational fear about other humans who are different and don’t act like them. So their brain sees danger and instead of running away or attacking, they judge and criticize instead and find the person weird. That is their brain telling them danger, keep away, stick with their own kind, reject.
But we are human and we can think, humans over the years have taken time to try and understand those that are different like black people or Native Americans, obesity, transgender, homosexuality, disorders, mental illnesses, deformities, diseases. because humans started to get more understanding, slavery ended, mental institutions got phased out, people quit going to freak shows so those phased out, parents started to quit putting their handicapped children in institutions, there were actually humans out there that wanted to take the time to learn and understand, other animals don’t have that cognitive ability but we do.

It is still frowned upon to want to know why people do evil things or why people believe in disturbing things like the Holocaust hoax or Hitler being a good man or obesity being a good thing, why parents abuse their children, why abusers abuse their partners, why do people dismiss abuse, why do people think rules don’t apply to them. If anyone asks why any of these things happen and why people believe in this stuff, they don’t want to know the answer because when you answer it, they think you are defending them. But when I ask, I want to know these things. Why is it in some countries getting raped is illegal and why is it the woman’s fault?

I always try to make sense of things like why do people always assume the parents are abusive when the kid is abusive and a bully? My answer to that is because kids are seen as innocent and most of the time kids have behavior because they are abused, small percentage of them have a mental illness eg. sociopath RAD, ODD, Conduct disorder, Bipolar, read that somewhere online. Also another reason is because people who say these kids are victims, they were abused themselves as children so they also had behavior and their parents played the victim and painted them as monsters and out of control kids and said they were pathological liars so the doctor would end up being manipulated by their lies so of course they would automatically side with the kid and assume the parents are lying.

I still remember at our 2002 family reunion in South Dakota, they had this drought going on in the Black Hills so they banned campfires. Well my family always had a family reunion tradition, campfires every night and they sit around it and chat and visit and even roast marshmallows. But we couldn’t do one but that didn’t stop us from doing our tradition so they would put a lantern in the middle and everyone would sit around it. They would even have it lit up and everyone would sit around it and talk. Strangers walking by would look at us and question us or even criticize us and we would tell them it’s our campfire since we can’t have one. This happened every night. People were like “WTF? What are those people doing sitting around a lantern, that isn’t normal, what is wrong with them?” My relatives kept saying to the same people it’s our campfire. Me as a 16 year old couldn’t understand why this was a big deal. It was just a lantern and we were just visiting each other and talking and that behavior is normal. But apparently sitting around a lantern is not but Dr. Phil defines normal as a behavior that does not interfere. This was one of them so this was normal. But other humans had objections do it because it was different.

If you do anything different, someone will notice and make a big deal about it. Asking is one thing but making it a big deal tells me they are intolerant to differences when the behavior is harmless. I remember back when I still lived in my apartment, I don’t think my son had been born yet but I was at a bus stop outside my work building and I was reading a newspaper. I didn’t want ink all over my hands and then get it on my face when i scratch myself there so I wore rubber gloves. This lady noticed it and asked me why I had on gloves so I told her it was so I wouldn’t get ink on my fingers and then get it all over me but instead of just accepting my answer and moving on, she started to make a big deal about it and kept questioning me about it and then repeating to herself about me wearing them and it didn’t take me long to feel annoyed by it. I already wanted her to shut up but thank goodness she was only a stranger and I wouldn’t have to deal with it long. the bus came and we both got on and she still made a big deal about it and thank god she sat in the back. Then it was all over. It felt like being in elementary school again where being different was not allowed or else kids thought you were weird and didn’t like you and you were a target for teasing. That woman was just immature because another adult would have just moved on from seeing something different.

This is the reason why kids with disabilities, transgender kids, homosexual kids are more likely to be bullied in school. They are all different and not “normal.” You have to be really different to not get harassed but if you look normal and act different, you get harassed.

We’re all animals but we are animals that can actually think and have the cognitive ability to learn and understand. Sometimes I wonder if some humans really don’t have this ability or if they are just willful.


I’m so crazy

Friday, February 3rd, 2017

(This post contains sarcasm)

I hate it when people normalize what I went through as normal. I have been taken advantage of, used, spat at, gotten into trouble by other kids, trick into eating foods that have been farted on or sat on or been in other kids mouths, made fun of, verbally abused by being told I am retarded or stupid, made fun of for how I talked, had pine cones thrown at me, and this happened to me all the time and I was targeted for this abuse.

I decided today that anyone who tries to tell me this is all normal I will cut them out of my life for making me feel I am crazy and mental and that I can’t handle normal things so I exaggerate and make things look bad than it really is.

I guess I am so crazy no wonder I am on SSDI because I am so crazy.

I am so upset about that comment I got online why was I so stupid to read past “Please don’t take offense” because I did get offended after all and upset and now I am feeling like I am insane and crazy and I exaggerated my problems and my past and I must not have looked hard enough to see everyone else get it all the time. Then in 6th grade I was falling apart I had to be taken out of school and couldn’t go for a while because I was so ill and I was even seeing a psychiatrist but it was for a diagnoses. But I don’t think I was there because I was being picked on, I was there to get a diagnoses for school because all the other diagnoses I have had were not working.

My husband just told me none of this was normal and he never had any of that stuff happen to him and that person was crazy for thinking it’s normal. I asked him he has never been taken advantage of or had been given food that was in their mouth or been sat on and he told me No and that was bullying and not normal.

For years I was weary of taking a piece of candy from anyone if I didn’t see them taking it out and giving it to me because I was so worried they had done something to it and will start laughing after I put it in my mouth. I also was afraid I was going to be taken advantage of anyone in school so it made me be cautious and I was also cautious of any stories I was told about because I wasn’t sure if they were made up. And this is normal? Wow I am crazy if this is how it affected me and no wonder I am on SSDI. I really do have mental issues if I can’t handle normal life and normal things do mental affect on me or psychological affect. I wonder if there is a condition for this sort of thing I have?

Appalling discovery

Monday, October 3rd, 2016

I was recently linked to a Twitter page on Reddit and I discovered people on there thinking personality disorders don’t exist and they are just made up for victims who went through trauma. I even found a blog from that Twitter page talking about how to manipulate the doctors to avoid a personality disorder label and how to get a different diagnoses instead. It tells you what to say and what not to talk about. I am not going to bother linking those pages because I don’t want the blogger to know I had posted their link here because WordPress does send you a notification you have been quoted or linked to another WordPress page and also I don’t want to direct any Twitter traffic to this page and have them see this post.

Also they don’t think BPD exists. They think they’re all just labels for victims but they had missed the point. People don’t get diagnosed with a personality disorder because they were a victim of trauma, they are labeled that way because of their unstable moods and emotions and how they handle their behavior and their personality and how much it holds them back and causes them an impairment in their daily functioning. Not all survivors get a personality disorder but I have read that a PD can be developed due to trauma but some people still get it without trauma. But I remember reading somewhere abused victims are more likely to develop unstable emotions and relationships and have unstable personalities. But isn’t the whole point in a diagnoses is to get the help and treatment they need? So they would go see a therapist that specializes in personality disorders but if they don’t think there is anything wrong with them, they won’t really get help for it.

But it did help me see their perspective about why they blame their problems on others and not take responsibility and why it’s always the other person’s fault and not theirs.  It’s sad how they don’t believe in their own diagnoses and they think it’s just a label. Yes you were abused and it’s not your fault but you are responsible for how you handle it now and what to do with your present time now and you are responsible for your behavior. There are plenty of abused people out there who don’t go around mistreating others and abusing them. They might have PTSD but that is about it. BPD can be treated and recovered from I have read. NPD can be recovered from too but that seems to be very rare. You always have the choice to recover and get control of yourself. That is something I learned on Dr. Phil and even Sarah Burleton said something about it too when she wrote a blog post about lot of people blaming their problems on their parents. While it is true that people do have problems due to their past abuse or how their parents raised them, they still have the choice about what to do about their life now and to change it instead of continuing to be a victim and not do a thing about it.

I don’t doubt there are some people who are a victim of a label because misdiagnoses do happen and sometimes abusers will gaslight and manipulate a doctor and they end up diagnosing a patient with a disorder they don’t even have because they believed that person over a patient. Then that label follows that person and people take them less seriously because they look at the diagnoses and think this is what is going on and think they are having a symptom again and not take them seriously. Same thing happens with other disorders too like with autism or Bipolar or anxiety. Then those people have to deal with it in the doctor’s office. They might be told they are just having anxiety when they talk about their feelings or personal experience or just be told they are having a mood swing or they are just missing social cues so people are acting the way they are so they must be doing something socially inappropriate. Unfortunately I feel my mom does this to me about my anxiety, everything is always anxiety. In high school I felt I couldn’t make any mistakes without it being called Asperger’s. I think the same thing can happen with OCD. If you like things neat and organized and get upset when other people don’t keep it that way, everyone blames it on the OCD and uses it to justify to not take you seriously. But if you have autism, people are more likely to follow your rules but if it’s OCD, it’s oh no you have to face your compulsion to fight it. But what if you just like things neat and organized and it has nothing to do with any anxiety and distress and any magical thinking, you just like it that way? But with OCD, people might just blame it on that and not take it seriously because they think that is just the OCD talking. I think I can understand what those people with PD’s are saying who don’t believe in that diagnoses, they feel invalidated when it’s blamed on a disorder and it affects how doctors treat them because of the diagnoses on their file. Instead of treating them like human like how they would treat anyone else with trauma without that diagnoses, they treat them differently.

There is a very bad stigma on personality disorders no one wants to have it so why would they want that diagnoses? Instead it’s so much better to have autism or anxiety or PTSD or OCD or Bipolar or schizophrenia and have it not be your fault but when you have a PD, it’s all your fault. PD’s are not treated the same as mental illnesses by doctors and society. Even people will say Ted Bundy was not mentally ill even though he was labeled as being a narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder but in my opinion anyone who likes killing people and getting a pleasure out of it is sick. But because he was a cold blooded killer, everyone just wants him to be evil than someone who was mentally ill and had a disorder that made him evil. No one wants murder to be linked to a mental illness so no one wants any killers to be mentally ill and if they have a personality disorder, no one wants it to be a mental illness so it’s often treated separately. No one wants to have sympathy for anyone with a personality disorder so they don’t see it as a mental illness even though they are one. Even victims don’t want their abusers to have a mental illness or some neurological disorder, they would rather have them have a personality disorder or else it would mean it’s not their fault and it’s the victim’s fault.

So I think I can see what those people are saying about PD’s and how it invalidates them. But then again they are still responsible, everyone is responsible regarding what disorder they have including non personality disorders. But no one is responsible for the abuse they went through as a child.

Something new I learned about bullying

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

I was reading a book at Barnes & Noble and it was about anxiety. It talks about anxiety disorders and I was reading the first chapter and he talks about teens and technology. He talks about bullying and he said something very interesting. He said when you are bullied often, you start to think there is something wrong with you, there is something about you that makes kids target you, you don’t see anyone else being bullied like you do, so you start to think something is wrong with you. It brings down your self esteem. He said what makes you a target for bullying is your reaction. REACTION.

Yes the bullying did make me think there was something wrong with me. I took the criticism kids thought of me and I tried to better myself. I started to study what was rude behavior and what exactly is showing off, I started to walk looking at the ground so I would stop bumping into people. I always felt bad for bumping into people because of my clumsiness so I learned to look at the ground when I walk and I will have more time to move my body when I see a kid in the way. I even started to copy “normal” behavior to be normal. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be respected, I didn’t want to be this mean and rude girl and a show off. Kids thought I was weird so I tried to stop being weird. I didn’t accept being different anymore. I tried harder to care about others so I wouldn’t be selfish anymore and spoiled. Also the author wrote to not listen to what kids tell you about yourself and it’s just their opinion. I sure took their opinions seriously so I started to obsess about being normal and trying to be this good person. I couldn’t handle the criticism. But the truth is bullies do not care, you can never impress them. But where do you draw the line for when to listen to someone’s opinion about you and when to not listen? If we never listen to anyone, we will never better ourselves and also when does a comment count as bullying? My mom doesn’t think I was really bullied, she just thinks I was just teased and I was too sensitive and I took kids comments too personally. She says they were just mean kids but she didn’t see any of it as bullying. She says the others were just innocent and I took it too personal, too literal. That seems common in ASD kids to take it all personal so they continue seeing those kids as the same people, I sure did. I didn’t want to be around the kids that made fun of me in the third grade for how I spoke. I didn’t want to be around any kid that thought of me as a show off or selfish or spoiled or rude or crazy or weird. I had true social anxiety around those kids because I felt so self conscious about myself so I had to watch my facial expressions, my behavior, how I sat, my body language. I don’t feel that way anymore because I don’t care what people think and I don’t care about normal. Besides what is normal anyway?

I was also rejected but I didn’t know why I was rejected. My own friends would avoid me and tell me to go away. I had poor social skills.

But I think kids are bullied for many reasons, not because of how you react. Transgender kids get bullied because they do not follow the gender role  Homosexual kids get bullied because they are not following the “norm” and kids are taught that being gay is “wrong” by their religious families or because their parents find it “sick.” Autistic children are bullied because of their poor social skills and because they don’t understand jokes and of course how they react to teasing so it makes them even more of a target. I think one of the things that made me a target for bullying was my reaction to teasing, the way I talked, I was socially naive, I was pretty sensitive. Kids also thought I was stupid or retarded and I did take teasing seriously and I remember getting upset by it too. So when I got upset by it, I think that is what made me more of a target for teasing. Most kids would just ignore it and handle it better and then the kids move onto the other kid. That didn’t happen with me because I made myself the target. Children with autism make themselves the target because of the way they react to teasing so the kids do it more. Kids do like to pick on those who are different. Different can be normal kids or kids with disabilities.

So the author is right that being bullied doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

I think bullying attributes to anxiety. It can lead to PTSD, social anxiety, depression, and of course low self esteem. I think the bullying may have lead to my anxiety and the rejections and causing me to be depressed. By 6th grade I wanted to kill myself and was already talking about it because I couldn’t handle it anymore and I was sick and tired of not being able to be normal. I was so obsessed with the word normal and I didn’t accept myself. I did try to to up my low self esteem by doing work by myself and being proud of it no matter what grade I got. Even my mom getting upset with me about my grade didn’t change it because I did it all by myself without help so I felt normal and smart. C is average so why feel bad about it?


Narcissists moderators

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2016

I will being using abbreviations for names in this blog to avoid drama and for privacy.

I remember years back in 2010 about the great moderator purge that had happened on Wrongplanet (WP). For a few years there had been abuse going on on the forums, WP members being harassed by a WP mod, members getting banned unfairly, and I would hear about all of this on other forums and some other members would just leave the forum due to harassment from a mod. There was one particular user I enjoyed there and her name was MD. She heard the stories and left the forum and went to Aspiesforfreedom and I felt sad she left WP because I enjoyed her posts and then she was back to WP posting. Somehow she had formed a bond with one of the moderators named SB and they got along well, SB answered all her questions. But SB would be nasty to certain people and even though she had never been nasty to me, she has ignored my questions when she would send me a PM and I lost more trust in her and that told me the rumors I were hearing were true.Then one day she got nasty with me because I didn’t know a WP member was banned I talked about and I didn’t know which member she was talking about so I told her that and somehow that made her mad so she sent me her “final warning” and it was real nasty and she accused me of kidding with a kidder and the rest of it made no sense. Why was she so angry? Why did she think I was lying? What rule have I broken now? There was nothing listed in the rules about correcting moderators or telling them you didn’t know a user was banned so I had faced abuse for the very first time from a moderator and I was next in line. This had deeply upset me. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut about it so I talked to people about it on forums, to my online friends, I even got banned from WP for posting about the nasty warning I had received from SB in one of the I2 threads. A I2 user named CA told me it looked like SB is gunning me down now. She had also told me she had been showing my PMs to MK, and AP, and L. I didn’t know why that was relevant for me to know and why would I care? I had nothing to hide and I wasn’t doing anything wrong so why did she tell me this? What was she thinking?

I also felt SB had been giving me special treatment because she was never nasty to me, she could have just banned me if she wanted to because I was a member on Zomgaspies and I2, she could have banned me when I would get into dramas with other WP users and we had one member there who was a red piller and I did break rules by attacking him because he was a red piller. He would attack women in general, blame it all on them, say mean things about them and always said they were dishonest and had double standards. But I stopped after SB confronted me about it and I didn’t say anything else to him and I would moderate myself and delete my humor thinking it might be taken as an attack. Also when I would accidentally break a WP rule because I didn’t realize it fell under the rules like for example the time I asked about people taking problems from a label and making it it’s own condition calling it executive dysfunctioning. It’s like taking branches from a tree and putting it in a pile and giving it its own name. That was an analogy someone used to tell me they understood what I was asking. But anyway I had linked to a thread from Aspiesforfreedom about the discussion and somehow that was considered an attack on another forum so I had learned that linking to other forums about something is an attack. I knew not to do that again. Another rule I can remember I accidentally broke is asking who is the severest aspie on the forum because that was considered an attack despite how aspies there like to talk about how they would never cure their autism and how they like having it and talking about neuordiversity and how it’s a difference and not a disability. Ironic isn’t it? I was never banned for those mistakes like other members would have been. But later on this was used against me that SB was giving me special treatment, why was it my fault? Should I have done something about it? Should I have told her to stop being nice to me and treat me how she would treat others? I was just happy she wasn’t being nasty to me and that I wasn’t her victim. I felt special because I was not her target. Why did she like me? I didn’t want her abuse nor did I want to be her victim. Who would? What would you do if someone was giving you special treatment and they had a rep for abuse? I was afraid of her no matter how sweet she was to me. I didn’t want to piss her off. But then somehow that one line took her mask off and she turned against me. Then she was sweet in her next PM asking me when does my break from WP start because I had told her about wanting to do that but I told her I had changed my mind and I will just lurk.

But anyway after I had posted about her unfair warning on I2, I was banned from WP within three hours after the nasty PM sent and I had done nothing else that would break a rule on the forum. I hadn’t posted anything else so I know I hadn’t done anything and I knew it was my rant about her that did it because I could no longer log into my account, the forum was unviewable because when she changed my password and deleted my email from the account while I was still logged in, it glitched so the whole board was blank like it was a bug. I thought off and on if it was a glitch and I wasn’t banned because I could remember a girl name HB was banned because her password never worked and SB helped jer reset it and it was some bug she had. I also remember another user named PK, her password also quit working so she created a new account and SB banned her third account but helped her reset her password for her MK account. I wondered if that was what happened to me so I tried to get the same issue fixed. Maybe I wasn’t banned. I contacted AP about it and he told me I wasn’t banned and this was a week of me fretting over all this because of my OCD and wondering if I was banned or was it a glitch and then I was thinking it had to be a glitch and it was a coincidence. AP told me I was not banned or I would have gotten the words stating I was but I told him my password was not working and it was lost so I was not able to recover it so he offered to reset it and I let him and he told me the password and I was back on the forum posting. I got over the nasty PM and moved on with my life. After all I was not her first victim and won’t be her last victim and she had been nasty to other members before but that is just SB. Things were good for a day and then it said I was logged out but yet I was still able to send a PM and it still acted like I was logged in because I could still make posts and my user name was showing and yet it said I was logged out and my password quit working again. Was this another glitch again but yet I also felt I was being harassed and knew it had to be SB because she was the person I had a problem with. I told AP about it and I decided to I better test this out to see if this is a glitch or am I being harassed so I used my husband’s abandoned account. He had only made one post and I got his permission and he didn’t care about his account because he had no interest in the forum. I could not let this go unless I got answers and I needed to figure this all out. I made posts and after about six posts, the glitch happened again so I knew it had to be a moderator. I even signed my posts with my username so everyone would know it’s me and I had to see if the password would quit working again and it did so I knew this could not be a glitch. I had even posted under my SG account about the glitch and that got unanswered so I used my husband’s account when I could no longer see the forum. Then the next day my SG and my LC accounts were gone. I asked AP about it and he didn’t know what I was talking about so I showed him and I remember I was talking to him on the phone and he asked if he could call me back. I said yes and I went to sleep trying to put the issue aside. I just wanted answers and I would just move on if I have to or try to anyway after I get my answers. Then three hours later he called me back and told me he thinks someone did it and I told him i think I know who and he asked me “who?” and I said “SB” and AP had that same idea too. Then we hung up and I got on the forum and I could tell there was something going on and I remember a guy on i2 named P posted a thread about missing accounts on WP and that sparked attention from members on the forum and I decided to create my third account to tell my story about this abuse and I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions yet unless I was absolutely sure there was abuse going on. I decided to look that that thread again and I was still unsure if it’s a glitch but yet I am thinking I am being bullied by SB and one member is thinking it’s all a mistake because he didn’t believe mod abuse can happen on boards and that they can bully members. Then there is MD who is also doubting the issue and thinks it could be a virus on my end giving me problems. Then I remember a mod from Aspiesforfreedom (AFF) telling her the problem would have happened on other forums too I go to if it was a virus. He also told her hackers are not interested in forums. I should also add a member from WP was banned for posting this because her password had quit working and she was not able to recover it:

The thing about this “project” was for members to come to the forum who have been mistreated by the mods, mostly SB to keep on posting their stories about the abuse and flood the forum and there will be too many of them to even delete those posts in time. But coincidentally it had happened because no plan had ever seen set for it and it was spontaneous. Once I found out AP had removed all his mods until he sorted the problem out, I went to the other autism boards and told everyone about it so they could go back and tell their story so that is what happened but instead it turned into a drama and personal attacks on the mods including on MD. That totally made it look like that was why they were banned in the first place.

There was one other thread with the drama in it too but that got removed.

But after the incident SB was banned, the mods got their mod privileges back, AP banned the returned users which I thought was QM at first. I told AP about A’s mother being banned and her ex boyfriend because they thought it was her but he told me they would have to contact him. I am sure these two members being banned was an innocent mistake because they had all shared the same computer so one of the mods banned the two accounts and left A’s account or was she banned too at that same time, I am not sure but she was also banned too.

I feel I was hard on MD because I said on another forum she was stupid because she would not believe what SB did and was still in denial about it and I even showed her screen shots of the evidence but she said it didn’t make sense and told her nothing. I had also did an impersonation of her on I2 because I was hurt by her and I did it to blow off steam but realizing now that SB was a narcissist, not just someone who had autism or multiple personality disorder, MD was under her spell. She was manipulated by her and of course none of our stories would add up because SB was so good with herself and her stories to make us all look crazy. MD even thought I was paranoid and thought anything I said made zero sense. Narcissists will do crazy things and do things that make no sense and then the victim will look crazy because it will not add up. And sadly people fall under their spell so they side against the victim. So MD if you are reading this, I forgive you and I am sorry for how I acted and behaved about you.

Also I had found out I was not the cause of this whole thing, many members sent PMs to AP about the situation and my former friend SBI sent AP something too and even though this mess was over, why was I still upset about all this? All because I had been wronged by MD? I even threw a celebration for SB getting banned and not having her mod privileges back because my whole life I had always been helpless and not able to defend myself and this time I felt like I had stood up for myself so I had to show her. I had to show everyone I was not defenseless and I can defend myself and be strong and I am the wrong person to mess with. But that got seen as bullying. Even as a kid I would get in trouble for standing up for myself when I would fight back. A few people had told me I was paranoid and MK told me my paranoia was remarkable. He had also taken SB’s side. But I found out over a year later when a new WP mod named MLA who was now retired and banned from the forum for telling a user he was paranoid posted a moderator log in the private section on I2 and it took place right after the moderator purge. I skimmed it and only read parts that were being said about me and I learned that MK and L were both paranoid moderators and they thought I had an agenda in my posts even though I didn’t and it was all because of I2. SB had told SBI and MD in PM I had broken too many rules and I knew instantly that was BS because I only broke some, not a lot. Even MK told me I had broken too many WP rules and he also told me right after the incident that I was provoking members by talking about William Fruend and I asked him how was I provoking them and he said I was bringing up a terrible past so I had learned that talking about William Fruend was a violation of the rule because it falls under provoking members. But yet I saw SB break that exact same rule too after the moderator purge by also mentioning his name. MK claimed I kept on breaking rules after being warned and told me how he had kept working with me. We barely even communicated in PM and it was only SB who would send me a PM sometimes. I do remember one time when I asked MK about something regarding something he sent me in PM and he didn’t answer. He of course denied he ignored my questions. Mk even said when I said I would stop attacking KM (redpill user) I insult members hours later and he called it all BS I was doing. I had no idea how I was insulting members. If I was insulting members, why was I never told about this, what were the insults? Were my social skills this bad I have no idea what I am doing?

I did find out in the mod log by L that I “broke” another WP rule and that rule and I forget what that post was I made but he said it broke the rules even though I didn’t see it falling under any rule. I can’t remember if it was me posting in a troll thread or posting in my former friend’s thread when she decided to try the forum again or if it was a thread I posted asking what members had they stalked on WP meaning whose profile have they viewed and read all their posts from but I could see L was paranoid because he thought I was being a trouble maker and he said there was no point in warning me because I won’t take notice. I then found out from reading that part is the whole time the mods didn’t warn me if they thought I was breaking a rule and of course I wouldn’t take notice if they don’t answer my questions and if they don’t tell me what rule I broke and if they are not concrete and once they tell me what rule I did that broke the rules and tell me what that violation falls under, I make a mental note to not do that again but it won’t tell me what other behaviors would fall under that rule.  You can have a rule about “do not be an asshole” This rule is vague, asshole is a relative term. So someone could post their political view about adoption. The persons says putting a baby up for an adoption is very cowardly and selfish and bam that person gets a warning being told when they said that (showing their quote from their post) it breaks the “Don’t be an asshole” rule. Now that person has learned that calling people selfish and cowards for putting their babies up for an adoption falls under that rule but it sure won’t tell them what other things would fall under that rule because asshole is a relative term. When you read rules on the board, you interpret them your own way and what they mean to you but you learn by trial and error from your mistakes and you don’t do that again. This is how I learn but they thought I was doing it on purpose just because I was not a mind reader. I mean seriously, “don’t be an asshole” I could think someone is being an asshole because I don’t like their opinion so I report them to the mods for being an asshole. This is an actual rule on a forum I go to, WP has no such rule.

But anyway I had found out MK was behind the whole password not working thing and he also knew about my accounts being deleted and he even admitted in it PM on another forum after denying it on WP. I even found out DW who I thought was an okay mod knew about it too but she seemed to have denied it also and told me SB would do things even if they didn’t want to but felt it was right. I am thinking she was manipulated by SB and I am realizing MK was also a narcissist because his behavior makes more sense now and L might have been an okay mod even though I have heard some bad things about him. I was even starting to give MK a benefit of the doubt hoping I had been wrong about him and he wasn’t bad as SB but sadly I was right about him the first time after talking to him after he was no longer mod. I no longer believe the things he told me like insulting members,m breaking lot of the WP rules, he even used my past against me, my mistakes, and the time I tried to get myself banned from WP to join the banning party on I2 and then I was unbanned and I didn’t even try to get banned again and it was very obvious he would look for posts on I2 by me and say I was breaking the WP rules even though there is nothing listed in the rules about the rules applying on other forums. He even though TT impersonator was me even though that was my former friend doing the impersonation. I even suspect just from reading the moderator log that they thought I had more accounts than I did and they might have thought they were talking to me when they weren’t or that could have been one of MK’s manipulation tactics to make me doubt myself. I even emailed the log to SBI, TID, and SC and they read it and told me it did sound like they thought I had more accounts.

Maybe my social skills are better than I realize and it was just me being gas lighted when I was told I insulted members and that I kept breaking WP rules and MK was just paranoid. If not a narcissist, he was crazy and paranoid if he believes it. But our stories not adding up all makes sense now because narcissist are very clever people and can make their victims look crazy and MD was manipulated, not because she was bad as SB. She was also a victim of narcissism. Even BB said something about it to MD and he actually knew SB did does this and she was having her fooled. Narcissists are very sneaky bullies and then they play the victim and act like their victim is the bad guy to look innocent. But anyway she acted shocked when she heard I posted on other forums about her being banned and I said I did do that and she said it hurts her feelings which was ironic because she couldn’t dish it out what she dished in. SBI stood up for me by telling her she deleted my accounts. Then she was trying to manipulate him in PM and he told me about it and didn’t believe her. He told me that she told her I broke too many rules and he searched through my posts that were left in members posts because they were quoted and he searched my posts on other forums and didn’t find anything flaws in them. He investigated and did his homework before forming an opinion and taking sides.

But this took me over a year to get over it thanks to the mod log because I got my answers. Now I realize MK and SB were both narcissists and they do a good job making the victims look bad and I have been told by a few people I am paranoid. Even MK said I was paranoid but that was part of his game to make me doubt myself and because they do accusations and make no sense, you are not able to defend yourself well because you don’t understand where they are coming from. They will claim you did this or that and say they have a record of it or say they looked at the time stamps. So how many people told me I was paranoid, three. Now I am going to hit Google now and do a search about narcissists victims being called paranoid and see if they have also been called paranoid.

If it weren’t for me having OCD, would this whole thing have happened? Hard to say.

Thanks to it, I couldn’t stop talking about it and thinking about it and trying to find answers so I was over focused on it for days after the nasty PM incident and the fact I don’t like to be wronged or falsely accused and I couldn’t move on so this happened. Were other people sending PMs to AP about SB because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, hard to say. Because it’s in the past and I am no longer worried or affected by it, I do not care anymore and don’t wish to seek these other answers. I felt I was the wrong person to be messed with because of my OCD and I can’t keep my mouth shut when something has really upset me and the fact how much it upsets me when I am wronged and falsely accused. But I am sure that is a lesson people have learned about me. I even unintentionally caused my school counselor to get fired because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut about his comments so my therapist wrote a letter to the state of Washington with my mom’s permission talking about me in it and he lost his license and can never work with his and he was fired and this all happened after we had moved and child porn was found on his computer.  But sadly I cannot find any record about him online when I search his name. It’s as if this never happened like he doesn’t even exist. I could find no such story online either because the story is too old and it happened in 1998.

I did hear from PK on AFF that lot of the former members did return to WP. I am not sure how he got that information. And my deleted posts did return to the forum after AP did the upgrade. A broken promise he finally did after four years of waiting before the upgrade took place. I thought they would never return. But I feel forgiveness for both SB and MK.

But after the whole moderator purge incident, AP decided to unban SB and she would try and goad me to attack her to get me banned and I was too smart for it. Other members could see her agenda and HB thought it was so pathetic of her.

MD also left the forum after the moderator purge and occasionally her name would pop up on the forum in one of the older threads when it would get bumped and I would click her name and saw she had been to the forum and she is only lurking. I don’t know if she still goes there or not. SB comes to the forum occasionally and MK was banned by AP and I think L still comes to the forum too who also eventually lost his status as a mod.

But why was it so hard to move on from this? Because I was a victim of abuse and abuse is hard to move on from. For other people it was nothing because they had never been a victim of it or never been a victim of a narcissist. You can’t understand if you have never been through it and some people might refuse to believe it because they don’t want to think a moderator can abuse their powers and harass members and then make the victim look crazy but ignorance is a bliss. Also it might make them feel safe when they think that because just as along as they think only you have to do something wrong to get banned or treated that way, they think it can’t happen to them if they are decent members. Also if someone claims to be banned for no reason, observe their behavior and how they react to people and how they handle their feelings and if it’s negative, then they probably were not banned for no reason at all. I have seen very few banned WP members get banned on other forums and I can assume that is the reason why they were banned on WP so their ban was legitimate. I have only been banned by mistake on zomgaspies when they had a spammer and somehow my IP got on their ban list but that got fixed, I created a sockpuppet on the forum because other members were so I decided to join in and ST decided no more lame sockpuppets and banned my sockpuppet and others, I was banned from a politic forum because I let an online friend pressure me to join it and pressure me to troll it and I didn’t want to because it was boring so he asked for my password information and I gave it to him and he started to spam the forum with my posts from WP and that got my account banned but I didn’t care. Then I have been banned from Asperger and I2 because I had asked to be banned for 30 days because of a drama, one of the dramas was about the SB incident and I was being accused of gossip and being a bully because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut about it and we had a troll there named Changeling. To this day I don’t know who that troll was. But someone from that forum named E thought I was being paranoid when I told her he obviously knows me on other forums because of what he knows about the SB incident and about me and she thought he was just some random person who had never seen me before and it was all a coincidence what he was doing and I was just being paranoid. She was one of the three people who accused me of it. And one other forum I was banned from was from when I was 18 because I felt wronged by the forum owner because I was attacked by two teens on the forum so I defended myself instead of trying to ignore them. So I spammed his forum to try and bring members back to the other forum where the drama took place to it would be active again and he didn’t want me and two other teens posting there and he didn’t care who started the drama and who the victim was. Those were the only times I have been banned from forums. The rest I was never banned from. To this day I have no idea why my old friend attacked me on that forum and his online girlfriend and why my old friend turned against me. That was something I always wondered and it also took me months to get over and now it’s way in the past, I don’t care anymore and I don’t see those people around anymore who would now be 27 and 26. Do I think they were narcissists? Neah I think they were just immature teenagers and maybe they have grown up now because they are now grown. Now today if someone insults me, I just ignore it than react to it. That could be the reason why R didn’t want me on his forum because I was too sensitive and too vulnerable to abuse and I don’t react well to verbal abuse so it was easier to not have me on his forum. But once I started to toughen up, people started to leave me alone and if I ignore the insults, other people will see I do not care and will also leave me alone. If I am truly being harassed, well I will tell a moderator and they will tell that member to back off and leave me alone and to ignore me or I could tell them myself to leave me alone before involving a mod. But that forum was unmoderated so I had no way of asking for help and the owner wasn’t around and it was one of those messages boards where older posts bump off the forum from newer posts. So all I could have done then was just simply ignore it and would those teens have backed off or just keep doing it and even if they kept on doing it, those teens would have been the ones who couldn’t post on the forum and I would have been allowed and I wouldn’t have had a problem at all. Sometimes defending yourself is not an answer. But I also feel forgiveness for those teens. But the other forums I have never been banned on nor have I ever gotten messages from mods over and over except for on WP but it was gradual and it started in late 2009 and I counted seven total from SB from September 2009 to Jan 2010 which is when the nasty warning took place. SBI thinks it might have been all planned months before it took place. I am sure this is how it started for some members and then the PMs got closer and closer together and then they left because they also felt harassed. Even I was thinking about leaving WP in fall of 2009 but that place was too addicting. But MLA found a pattern while he was mod and he noticed that members who have had their accounts messed with were all members on I2. Very interesting so he would forward it to A to have him reset their passwords so they can log in again and start posting. I had always knew there was some vendetta against I2 by SB and I figured I had that password problem with her and the nasty PM from her was because I am on I2 and that moderator logged confirmed it because even MK had something against that forum too as indicated in his posts. So at least I knew I was correct and I even copied the whole log and saved it to Microsoft word and it’s now saved onto a disc. I saved it to show online friends and ask for their opinion and the only criticism I had gotten was do not put usernames in polls without their permission. I asked for their opinion because I wanted to hear feedback to see if I was reading it right and had interpreted it right like did they think I had more accounts than I really had. Did they think I had more than five accounts they thought I had. Even DW believed it and I told her on AFF in PM I only had two accounts and told her I had accidentally posted from my ex’s account because he was still logged in when I used his computer while we were living together . I checked his account after my accounts were deleted and his was still there but the account someone used to impersonate me was also one and it was very obvious it wasn’t me because of the terms they were using. They could have bothered with IP addresses but because I had posted from my home, my parents, my ex’s computer, my aunt and uncle’s home, it gave me different IPs which I explained to MK and DW. I have been accused of using a proxy by A and MK and sneaking back on the forum by MK. So does this even look good? Not at all because they can just use that to justify thinking other accounts were mine. Plus being on I2 and putting my rants there than on WP and doing stuff on i2 I wouldn’t be able to do on WP due to the rules, that also didn’t look good either so I can understand why some members would leave that forum and only stick to WP which is what HB did. I was naive to think it wouldn’t affect me on WP and they could use my posts there against me especially my humor and I basically set myself up and these narcissists used it against me to make me look like the bad guy, the evil villain and MK tried to convince me I had destroyed WP and he acted like I was the worst person ever online and the worst bully and said I was a professor troll and tried to say I contradict myself and listed examples of how I provoke people. He was very good. He had me worried for months that I am misunderstood and people will misread me and my intentions and told me the truth hurts. Well I shouldn’t have asked. I just wanted to know what he had against me. But have I had any problems on WP in the last five years, not at all. Even members have left me alone and have not insulted me or attack me. Occasionally I will get attacked but I ignore it. I wouldn’t want to make myself vulnerable to abuse would I? I also try to avoid drama. SB tried to exploit that in me by trying to bait me in her posts because I have been in drama before with other WP members and I saw her agenda so I had to be strong and not worry what others may think, she also knew I do not take false accusations well so she wrote something in her post about being a man or something that had been mentioned in rumors by banned members on zomgaspies when I wrote that people have said about me that I am straightforward., then she wrote something others have said about her that was untrue and I never said that about her. I knew she only wrote that to bait me so she could find a reason that my post broke a rule and go to A about it to get me banned. When that didn’t work the banning glitch started to happen and DW kept fixing it but she wouldn’t believe it was intentional someone was doing. I told A about it and he said there are no ban glitches so I asked him about why do I keep getting banned and he said it was maybe that MK guy and I said he wasn’t even a mod anymore and A said he was a mod. This kept on happening and my ban kept being uplifted and I was pregnant with my son at the time and it was stressing me out so I decided to take a break from that forum but the banning glitch had stopped and a week later after the trip from Montana, SBI came to me with the news telling me what A had told him, MK and L and SB were all behind it and I was shocked. I asked how and he told me A had found out one of his users still had their mod tools and they put that member up to it and MK had been banned. I couldn’t understand why L would be behind it. I did confront MK about it and that is when he told me that stuff and he of course denied he was behind the banning and said I was foolish for believing it but it didn’t make me a bad person. But SB had fucked off finally. Then I saw her in my autism group in 2011 and she flat out ignored me like I wasn’t there. That eased my worries because I didn’t have to worry about her giving me any trouble. I was relieved and if she thought her silent treatment was going to upset me, wrong. She only came to the group twice and I never saw her again. The only thing that was creepy about seeing her there was how nice she was and you wouldn’t guess what she could be capable of. She also looked different than she did in her photo online but I can confirm to everyone that she is definitely not a guy. I have no idea how that rumor even started.

Mk did start his very own forum and I never participated on it but I did join it to spy on it and to check it out using a different email address, signing up from my husband’s parents’ friend’s house during a barbecue. SBI joined it too and blew his cover there but things still went fine for him there. SBI told me MK wouldn’t stop emailing him and then those emails stopped when he joined his forum and blew his cover.

But never confront a narcissist. You won’t get the truth and they will gaslight you and make you out to be the bad guy and they are so good at it. Discard everything they have told you. Either he is super paranoid or he is a very good pathological liar and they lie to your face. I have been told he is very manipulative and SBI thought he was lying to me. He probably was if he was a narcissist. But he has not messed with me. SB hasn’t messed with me in six years. They move on.

Flash backs

Saturday, January 9th, 2016

In a autism Facebook group, the question was asked about what if autism was the norm and NT was the minority and people started posting what the world would be like such as no florescent lighting. Because it’s a spectrum and not everyone has the same symptoms and not everyone has the same sensitivity, I posted that more people would be wearing hearing aides because the sound would be too low for them so the normal hearing range would now be below normal. I also wrote that more people would be using extra light because everything would be too dim.

The trigger someone wrote was everyone would be honest and I said that more people would have low self esteem and depression because of what is said to them and autistic people have been offended with the truth because of things people would say about their interests or their behavior or them. The person responded back with that there will be hurt feelings no matter what but there would still be hurt feelings even with a law and she would rather have the truth than a lie because people are being polite. I had flashbacks because as a kid I was made fun of for how I talked, I was retarded, I was stupid, I was weird, I was mean and rude. I had all this negativity from kids and by 6th grade I wanted to kill myself because I couldn’t stop being different. No matter what I did and what I changed, I was still different. I was still screwing up. I hated my big boobs because kids thought I stuffed them. I hated god because how could he have humiliated me and give me a woman’s body so young in 6th grade. So I became atheist and plus there is no concrete evidence he ever existed. With years of verbal abuse from kids, I wanted to kill myself by 6th grade. I had depression and low self esteem and I went on a little rant in the group and then unfollowed the topic because it was too much. I didn’t like the flashbacks. I think it’s better if people keep their mouths shut. But the question I have asked myself about verbal abuse is “what if it’s the truth?”

The irony thing is when I started to call myself stupid and retarded, other kids didn’t like it. I started to beat them to the  verbal abuse by putting myself down. I had started to abuse myself verbally because of the abuse in the past from other kids so I started to do it to myself to beat them to it so I wouldn’t get it from them so it was better I did it to myself so they wouldn’t do it. Then it was always a torture to having to say three positive things about myself but I never meant it.  I felt I was no good. Then I thought everyone was lying when they would say how smart I am. I may not have gotten beaten up or have anything taken, but the words still hurt. If it’s child abuse to do that to a child, it shouldn’t be any different for a kid doing it to another kid. I have seen formally abused victims say how they wished they were verbally abused because at least they wouldn’t have been called names or made fun of or have any low self esteem from the words but I have seen psychical abused victims say how they wish they only had verbal abuse because at least there wouldn’t have been any psychical pain and they would rather deal with the words.

Reactive abuse

Wednesday, December 30th, 2015

This is something I have been hearing recently but only by victims of former abuse. But when you do a google search, not much pops up about it because there isn’t much info about it like there is about anything else. Some things are just not very well known about so nothing much pops up  when you search it.

I have heard of abusive kids and that some of them get abusive because they are bullied or abused but I would think they would only be abusive to their abusers only. But in domestic abuse, the victim gets abusive to their abuser. They might start shouting at them and calling them every name in the book they can think of and say real hurtful things and I saw one blog post where a woman wrote how she likes to play games with people who have NPD and she wrote about playing them with her ex husband who was abusive.

I also know we are all responsible for their actions and it’s never anyone’s fault they are abused. I also keep hearing how the abuser will tend to blame their actions on their victim but my question is what if the abuser had been abusing you for so long you finally snap, is it their fault you had just abused them? What about a parent who had been abusing their child for years and years and then finally their kid snaps and starts to get abusive and is always hitting them and throwing and breaking things and screaming at them and it’s not done in self defense, is it the parent’s fault for their kid’s abuse?

What about in relationships where the abuser makes fun of their partner for their interests or dislikes or what TV shows they watch or what video games they play, so the victim starts to do them to annoy them and saying things like “What do you think of this TV show?” and waiting to hear them make fun of them about it or to say something critical you know egging them on, or they decide to eat apple sauce in front of their abuser and go “Hey look at what I am eating?” just to annoy them because they know how much their partner dislikes them eating apple sauce so they make snide remarks about it and be all critical and make fun of them about it. Is this the abuser’s fault?

When I was a child I used to just pick on other kids who were mean to me and bully my bullies back and not understand why this is wrong. Was it the bully’s fault I was doing this?

It doesn’t take me long to retaliate when I am treated wrongly or badly. Online I used to just post stuff on a forum to piss people off because I felt I was being treated unfairly. other members could get away with posting weird and creepy things and no one would bat an eye but when I would do it, people would bat an eye because I would get criticism and a negative reaction and then see someone else post the same thing I posted and people don’t react negative to it, you know how much that would hurt me? And this happened on an autism forum and it was very ironic because autistic people are always talking about how they are treated different by normies and how they discriminate us and there they were doing that to me. It made me lose faith in them and made me realize we are no different and this is human behavior, not normie behavior to discriminate. I was discriminated when I was a kid so what did I do when kids had different rules than me? I retaliated. I would deliberately break rules and do things other kids were doing because I wanted my rights, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be treated like everyone else. I rebelled and my school thought I had a behavior problem when the problem was the injustice and all they had to do was enforce the rules on everyone and make them apply to everyone, not to me only. Even my therapist told them I was not the problem, they were. Then ten years later there I was getting all that crap again online this time. Members could talk about their fetishes but not me and members could talk about the same fetish I had but not me and no one ever batted an eye about them doing it. Is it possible the former mods used this against me in the future and saw me differently so it made me a target of their abuse? Possibly because they didn’t see how other members treated me and how I was doing similar things they were doing and for some reason I just stand out more when I do it while others just blend it and no one seems to notice it. For some reason I had always stood out more than other kids. Kids could get away with doing shitty things but when I would do it, it was a big deal and I was “evil.” Then as a young adult I stood out more for some reason on an internet forum even though I was doing the same things other members were doing. But did me retaliating made it the other members fault or the forum admin’s because of their discrimination?

I retaliated against Jerry for his emotional abuse but back then I didn’t know it was abuse, I didn’t know he was making fun of me so how I reacted to it would be irrelevant. but I would intentionally do things to annoy him like one time I decided to play a Barbie game on my original Nintendo and I said to him “look at what I am playing?” knowing full well I wouldn’t get a positive reaction because I knew he didn’t like kiddy things so he was very judgmental about it and he said “You should have been playing that ten years ago” and I said “I didn’t have this game ten years ago and we didn’t even have a Nintendo” and he kept saying how I should have been playing it ten years ago. I did the same thing with TV shows, I would tell him “Look at what I am watching’ egging him on to make fun of me and be critical about it and saying something negative about it. I would even drink from a baby bottle and use my computer and tell him “look at what I am doing” to show him how I am still an adult and it doesn’t make us real babies and he said I was doing it to piss him off so I did it more just to annoy him. I just didn’t tolerate his willful ignorance and bigotry. Was this his fault for what I did?

I am not proud of what I did and wished I just walked away than trying to educate and reason with him or staying just to piss him off because I didn’t tolerate his bigotry. I realize now he was a narcissist and you can’t argue with them or prove them wrong and even retaliating against their abuse and trying to show them their double standards and how ridiculous their thoughts are does not work. Also the fact it can backfire and you end up hurt at the end like I was. They can only see themselves and their side, they will not get your side or understand your feelings. They will just throw it back at you and make you out to be the bad guy.

One example was I was accused online by a new so called “friend” because she said I got her banned from a forum, the same place where I got discriminated on, and she starts to get nasty with me and say i didn’t have an ASD and she didn’t even know me or ask me anything about myself and she got real mean for no reason just because she thought I got her banned and her conclusion was irrational. She never apologized and she does contradict herself but anyway I was hurt and she never cared and she had the Dr. Jekyll and Hyde personality and I looked through her post history and saw she had done the same thing to other members on the forum and did attacks and insults and she says very hurtful things and always plays the victim. She is never wrong and everyone is a psychopath and manipulative and she is the good one. But anyway she hurt another one of my online friends and we were both hurt together so we went on I2 and she opened an account impersonating her and she started posting and I started posting pretending it was actually her and our intention was to get her to see how hurt we were by seeing the impersonation but instead it backfired. She turned it around and said how mean and horrible people we were. see there she was the victim and couldn’t see our side and apologized for hurting us and for her false accusations and for being nasty. She was just too blind to see how she hurts others and to see that she brings the bullying on herself because she is so nasty and abusive to people, people make fun of her and tease her and bully her as the result of it. They retaliate. I had seen people on I2 make fun of her and tease her and one of them even used her cousin’s account to do impersonations to tease her and she impersonated Temple Grandin and the narc fell for it. One of old online friends who liked to troll decided to impersonate her when she came back to the forum by having her username spelled back words and posted stuff pretending to be her. But I learned that making fun of her and getting back at her and trying to hurt her back does not work because she will never have remorse or see the harm she does for others. It will never occur to her that if everyone is a narcissist, she is the narcissist or that if everyone is a bully, she is the bully, or if everyone is a psychopath or manipulative, she is those things. Plus she hates being ignored so she will start to bait members and do insults and say real hurtful things to get attention and say provocative things. the forum admin knew right away she was narcissist and everyone agreed she is one when they looked it up. But was it still her fault for how we treated her?

But from personal experience it’s very difficult to mess with a narcissist and very dangerous. You would need to have a very thick skin and be a robot to mess with them. There will be gas lighting, it will be your fault, it will be all about you, you will be the bully, a psychopath, the abuser, they will just be the victim and there will be false accusations.

Now for more references on reactive abuse:

Also Jayden told me about when he knew Frankie in his school, he told me how awful Frankie was and how he would pick on him. What did Jayden do, he told me he used to just pick him up and toss him on the ground. Was that Frankie’s fault that happened to him?

Also after reading the post in abusesanctuary, was I reacting to Jerry’s abuse and I didn’t realize it then? Was I subtly egged to do all those things to him? We might feel awful and see we were bad people in the relationship and how we shouldn’t have done things and then realize we might have been provoked and egged into doing it. I wouldn’t stop calling my ex for example and every time I called him, he was never available. I didn’t realize he was ignoring me. He still had my stuff, I still needed to break up with him and figure out the right time to do it, I didn’t like being in a relationship that felt one sided. was I the crazy ex stalking him? was I harassing him? How did I look to all his employers when i kept calling him or when she blew up at me on the phone cussing me out and hung up abruptly? Was I just reacting to his abuse and that was his intent to make me look crazy to justify his behavior? Then I basically took it away when I moved on when my mom told me he had moved on. Within a month I met another guy and then I was in a relationship with him not too long later and by then my ex did come back, twice, so that makes me think I wasn’t the abuser. Of course he kept my stuff and never dropped it off and I let it go because it was just cleaning supplies and laundry soap and all that can easily be replaced. I might have lost several of my clothes to him but I let that go and my paycheck and the money he owed me and the bumper I never got I paid for because he never went and picked it up.

Also another interesting thing I had read was how the victim can develop narcissist traits from the abusive relationship but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are on the spectrum nor does it mean they are a narcissist. It’s called reactive narcissism. I had read somewhere about the developing it in their abusive relationship but my question is does it go away when they are out of the relationship because they are no longer being provoked and abused so therefore they wouldn’t react to it? But there is still the PTSD.

Also more references:

But like I say there isn’t lot of information about it. You only hear about it from people who are not doctors or psychologists and plus some of the links I put link to the same blog post from abusesanctuary.

But of course what if you had a child that was abusive so you react to their abuse by being abusive back?

Is it any of our faults for reacting to the abuse if we become the abuser ourselves to our abuser? Also don’t confuse it with self defense. I don’t think Sarah Burleton was abusive when she punched her mother in the jaw. Her mom was choking her and banging her head on the floor so Sarah punched her and that was self defense but if she had kept on kicking her and starting beating on her and choking her back making her suffer for what she put her through over the years, then that would be abuse than self defense. That would be an example of reactive abuse. It’s not like she will do it to others. And she did think about doing that until her step father walked in the room so she didn’t do it, instead she just said she would press charges if anything else happened and she took her bags and walked out the door starting her new life without her parents.

But it is a relief to hear this is actually normal and no need to feel guilty or bad about it and I don’t need to feel I am playing the victim here because I wasn’t perfect either in the relationship and I also did things I shouldn’t have done. There is actually a name for it and how normal it is in a abusive relationship and I think that term can evolve to bullying and other abuse outside of relationships like how Stockholm syndrome had evolved from to mean for victims falling in love with their kidnappers to abuse victims loving their abusers in abusive relationships and defending them and their abuse.

But why is this very unknown?



What would happen if…

Tuesday, November 24th, 2015

What would happen if someone lacked cognitive and effective empathy?

This was a question that was asked online. But according to google search, both these terms mean the same thing. But anyway the person wanted to know what if someone lacked cognitive empathy like an aspie but also lacked effective empathy like someone with antisocial personality disorder.

Here was my response to it:

I think I may have known a few people like this. These people tend to be very toxic and be abusive and then they never seem to get your perspective or even care about your feelings when you tell them. It’s always your fault and your fault for how you feel and your feelings are never their concern. But yet they can act nice at the same time and seem like very nice people but they have no filter and no tact. These people I try to avoid and I am sad to say I have known a few ASD people like this. They fit my mom’s stereotype of what AS is and yes there are actually some aspies out there who are like that. Would I still accept this flaw in them and out up with it, absolutely not. They truly don’t care and think it’s your problem, not theirs so they don’t really care for isolation and all their social difficulties because it’s everyone’s fault, not theirs. They are like their own worst enemies. Even the word narcissist comes to mind for these people and that is also a characteristic for NPD.

According to google search, effective empathy and cognitive empathy are both the same. :/

Sadly the more I think about it, the more I realize I have known people like this. Jerry was one of them, he had no empathy and he believed in humiliation and shaming (don’t lot of people?)and making others feel bad if it’s the truth. I also knew someone else with an ASD who was also like this but I won’t say who this person was because that person is very well known in the ASD community an I don’t want to get any gruff for saying bad things about that person. Also from my personal experience with these sort of people, they also tend to be hypocrites and they throw it back at you when you try to show them their double standard and what they are doing. They truly do not care. I have also met some online like this also and I don’t see them as acting any different than bullies who go “you are just too sensitive” or people who play that card to get away with being hurtful and people who claim they don’t sugar coat things when they mean they won’t be tactful and they also say how honest they are being when they mean they will just be hurtful. I do think people use honesty as an excuse to be a jerk.

But I remember I was in a chat room months back and there was a person in there who also had AS and a new person told her how rude she was to him in one of his threads. She was like “I was” and he shows her the thread where she was rude and she was totally shocked she came off that way and said how her husband tells her she has no tact and her family says the same thing but she apologized. This told me she really does care and doesn’t want to hurt people or be rude to anyone. I have seen her say in a thread online how she is seeing someone for her speech so I can assume she might be working on this flaw so she can get along better with people and she doesn’t want to be this way so that does show the difference. But there are some out there who do not care so they will not make any effort to change so in a way they do choose to be this way. They are making that choice to be this way. They may think it’s other peoples problem but I think it’s their problem and if I see any of them complain about not being accepted and blaming their autism or their poor social skills and how “narrow” NTs are and “judgmental,” I might just scream because the hypocrisy and the irony is killing me. It is a possibility these people can also be narcissists. Who says you can’t have both? Also how do I know they are not self diagnosed or how do I know they don’t have an ASD? If it’s on the internet, I wouldn’t even know. They could just be wrongly diagnosed with an ASD or they could be self diagnosed but don’t really have it. The same can be said about real life. How do I know this person I knew isn’t a pathological liar, how do I know that person isn’t lying about their medical history or lying in their blog? I have seen some ASD people say how NT that person acts ad how they think they don’t think that person has autism. Also how do I know my ex wasn’t faking Asperger’s? Thins may not have added up about how he got tested for it and how he didn’t get the $300 from his grandparents to get the DX so how do I know he really had it? Just because someone says they do doesn’t mean they do. You can choose to believe them or not. Yeah it sucks to be falsely accused of faking something but I try to not let it bother me if it happens because I know anyone can make stuff up by claiming to have it so people feel justified with their accusation and they don’t care if they are wrong or not. If you are toxic, they don’t care if you have it or not and they don’t care if they are wrong. I also think it has to do with the stigma so to fight that stigma they will doubt your autism if you are toxic. I don’t really agree with all this undiagnosing stuff people do on the internet or in the media or in real life because of their bias about autism  even though there have been two times where I have actually thought someone didn’t have it because those people were so toxic so I felt they acted bad enough for me to decide they don’t have it. Besides none of these people were diagnosed and one of them did manage to get the diagnoses after he had been diagnosed with NVLD but he said they were wrong. I also think this other person was a narcissist. I don’t know if Jerry ever managed to get the diagnoses too but I know he has told other people he had it.

I remember asking my mother about what Asperger’s really is and what would I have been like if I had lot of it and she said I would probably be hurting peoples feelings and go “so” when they tell me. the way she described it made it sound like I would have been an asshole, been like Cruella De Vil minus the fur clothing and killing animals. I asked my school counselor what is the difference between normal people doing it and someone with AS. Does that mean Cruella also has it because she does’t care about other people? My school counselor told me she just chooses to not care about people, she is aware of their feelings, she knows she is hurting them but she doesn’t care. People with AS don’t realize it; they are not aware of your feelings or even understand so it’s not a choice they are doing. But even some on the spectrum have told me my mom was describing psychopathy. So that shows not all of them are this way. I don’t think Jerry was one, I think he was a narcissist and that is also a characteristic. APD (or ASPD), NPD, and BPD share the same symptoms.

Now my question would be how can you tell if someone is really aware or if they don’t truly understand? Even narcissists don’t truly understand so what is the difference?



Self defense=bullying?

Friday, November 20th, 2015

In the past I have been called a bully for self defense. I was considered a bully in the 7th grade because everyone thought I was over reacting and reading the situation all wrong when I defended myself. But no one ever used that word to my face until I was 16 when my mom told me I was a bully. It is a possibility I might have been getting picked on and the kids just did it passive aggressively to make it look like they were innocent and just playing around and they could have done it to other kids too and to each other to make it look like they are just playing and it’s nothing personal to make me look crazy. That is how bullying works sometimes, they tend to work in pairs. The adults can’t see it because they are being manipulated by the kids so therefore they will think the victim is over reacting and punish them for it. But because of my diagnoses, I wasn’t punished for it but I did get sent home once for hitting a boy in my class which was what they called a suspension for the day and I didn’t even know I was suspended until years later. I only thought I was sent home to calm down so I would relax and feel better. I was also not treated like a bully then either for my self defense but yet I still felt then I was being sided against and then I ended up with an aide so I thought then they did side with me and now I have an aide so she can protect me from the bullies. But no it was actually to keep me in line and for when I get inappropriate and to help me through social situations and to help me with my school work. It was actually to protect other kids from me and I was kept in the resource room to protect them from me.

There was another time I have been considered a bully online for also self defense and I once stood up for myself on a  forum only to be chewed out by a forum admin and she called me stupid and told me to quit being dumb. To this day I have no idea what that was about or even understand but that was years ago.

I decided to go on Google and look up self defense being called bullying and I only saw one result from Babycenter blogs and it was called Where is the line drawn between self defense and bullying. The rest was only about anti bullying and nothing about people being accused of being bullies for self defense. Why is that?

Is it not normal to be accused of being a bully when you stick up for yourself? Does this mean I have been doing it all wrong when I would defend myself? Is there a rule about self defense and is there a line drawn for when it becomes bullying when you defend yourself?

I read the book Bullied written by Carrie Goldman and she wrote about these two girls who were friends. One was named Christina and the other I forget her name so I will call her Anne. Anne accused Christina of hitting on her boyfriend Mark also not his real name because i forget what the name was. Christina denies it and Anne’s friend stick up for her and they start calling her slut and stuff and going online and spreading rumors about Christina. The friends believed the were defending their friend Anne but it was actually bullying they were doing and being cyber bullies.

So my question is if there was a misunderstanding where someone thought they were being picked on so they defend themselves, are they a bully because they misread a situation thinking they were being picked on so they did self defense?

Can people accuse others of being a bully as a way to gas light to make the victim question themselves and make them think they read the situation wrong if they are being accused of being a bully just for sticking up for themselves? I had thought this is what people were doing to me. They don’t like that I could defend myself and I wasn’t weak so they decide to call me a bully. Also friends tend to stick up for their own friends so they might see me as the bad guy so when I defend myself, they will think I am a bully. It doesn’t surprise me when friends stick up for bullies whom they are friends with. It is possible the friends are manipulated by the bully and it is human nature to believe your friend over someone who isn’t so the bully could tell them the victim started it and the friends believe them. Friends also automatically assume the victim is the bully because they assume the victim started it and the bully is defending themselves so therefore the victim gets accused of being a bully. But how odd there was nothing about this in search results when I looked. No discussions about it anywhere except for one place.



Sometimes I am the wrong person to mess with

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015

I have posted about accidentally getting my school counselor fired and losing his license because of my constant questioning and trying to understand things.

I have made many posts about my ex boyfriend Jerry already and I just couldn’t keep anything to myself because I always had to call my parents on the phone to talk to them and anything I am upset or frustrated about I had to go to them. This would upset him because his fear was me making him look bad and it turns out his fear was correct and he was trying to cut me off from my parents so I bet he had on his list now as a red flag is someone who has to call their mommy and daddy on the phone to talk about their problems. But thanks to this, they were always there for me and that also meant my ex could never get my parents so side against me and make me look crazy and they would always be around to rescue me and I don’t even know if he is that kind of person to make your whole family believe you are crazy and side against you. Also  was able to confirm that this wasn’t all in my head about him being abusive when my mom told me some stories like how I called her one night and I was crying and then I hung up because I saw he was coming and also the time when she would hear him argue with me in the background and we would both fight and my parents would come to town to “visit” my aunt and uncle but they were just there to check up on me and I bet that made it hard for my ex.

I once got a mod fired because she deleted my account and that was also unplanned. I had not talked about it in years because it’s something controversial and I was seen as the bad guy for it. I think it was my OCD that did it because I couldn’t stop obsessing about it and dwelling on it so I kept on talking about it and it was hard for me to move on because when I am wrongly accused of something or treated very badly and unfairly, I get very upset and it’s hard for me to let go and then I saw my account was deleted and my other one so I had to ask the forum admin about it and I showed him and then he asked if he can call me back. Yes I had his phone number because he had it posted on his forum and also PM some members his phone number. Three hours later he calls me back and says it looks like someone deleted it and I knew right away who it was. He thought so too and I remember another user posted a thread on the forum about missing accounts and I created a new account to tell about the injustice and I was expecting my post to be deleted but it wasn’t and then the forum admin said he had demodded all his mods until he figures out the issue and I had all the former banned members come back to tell their side of the story and how they were also wrong but instead it turned into them attacking the mods. It was a big drama and I remember there were both threads about it and the drama happened in both. There was also a discussion bout it on a different forum that was a spin off from the other forum the incident happened on. One of the mods saw it and thought I had an agenda and thought i was contradicting myself when on the other forum I seemed concerned about my account but on the other forum I seemed happy that the mod was caught. Of course I was happy. But yet the mod thought I planned for the other mod to be demodded but I didn’t know what was going to happen honestly. My original plan was I was going to not post on that forum anymore but instead after the moderator purge ended, all the mods got their tools back except for that one mod who deleted my accounts and I ended up staying because she was no longer a mod so I felt safe again. She had done her crazy antics to other members as well and her doing it to me one day really proved to me how right other people were about her with their stories. But what did I do, I got excited and threw a party on the autism forums about her being demodded all because of my complaint caused it and I have always been helpless and people can see I am someone to mess with because I can’t fend for myself very well and this time I felt like victory and didn’t feel helpless but yet I was seen as the bully for sticking up for myself. I even posted my PM chat about her I had with the forum mod to show how crazy the mod is because she had told the admin that this one banned member came to her home and took stuff from it and he was asking me about it. But this banned member lived all the way in England so he was teased about it by the forums members on Intensitysquared. I wanted to move on from the incident but because of my own OCD, it made it hard, the feelings were still there and it was over but I still felt wrong so I did two impersonations, I did one on the mod and on her friend who sided with her and didn’t believe me when I told her she deleted my accounts so I showed her proof and she acted dumb about it because she still denied it. On intensitysquared (I2 for short) impersonations are normal there, it’s done as a joke so I did it there. But doing that still didn’t make me get over it and it took me over a year to get over it and it was until around October 2011, when one of the new former mods decided to post one of the mod logs onto that forum from the other forum and it took place right after the moderator purge so it was from February 2010. I read the comments in it and I saw lot of things said about me were not true by two mods and they were just paranoid and I think any current mod who reads it would know. It did show me there was mod corruption on the forum, they really did moderate what members did on other forums (I got locked out of my account after I posted about the nasty PM on I2 I got from the moderator on the other forum which is known as the silent ban), also it looked like the two mods thought I had an agenda in my posts just because i was a member on I2 so I could understand now why some members would leave that forum and not post there again. They probably knew it could get them into trouble on the other board based on things they write over on I2. I was naive to think that moderators would keep things separate on each forum. Just as long as you follow the rules on their forum and behave, it wouldn’t matter what you do somewhere else because they would see that but how wrong I was. I was also blamed for an account there that was never mind because back in 2007, someone opened an account impersonating me and the admin thought it was me. I let it go because I didn’t think it was a big deal because I was still there and I wasn’t penalized for it so it was nothing to be upset about. How wrong I was because I think it did contribute to the problems I had on the forum and the other mods even thought I had another account there that was also not mine because someone else opened that account using the same avatar I used, and reading the mod log, it looked like they thought I had more accounts because it sounded like every time they got a troll, they thought it was me. Also any time someone from I2 would come to the other forum to troll, the mods assumed I was behind it and that i knew about it but usually I didn’t know about it until after it happened and also when I did know sometimes, i stayed out of it because i didn’t want to rat and cause trouble for myself. So me being a member on I2 is what got me into trouble on the other forum and contributed to the nasty PM and also the mod claimed I broke lot of rules and I was like what. I was only given like five warnings in 2009 because i didn’t realize what I was doing fell under one of the rules like for example I learned that posting a link to another forum is considered an attack on other forums. I also learned that posting a thread asking what member has the most severe Asperger’s is considered an attack even though members on that forum talk about how much they love their autism and wouldn’t cure it but yet talking about who is the most severe is an attack? Even one of my online friends thought it was a double standard. I also learned that talking about William Fuend is considered provoking members but yet I see that same mod talk about him, the one she gave me a PM about and got nasty with me. What a hypocrite. I was expected to know everything that fell under the rules and it was on an autism forum and I was expected to think like an NT. But I kept falling into loopholes because I didn’t realize something would be considered an attack or a provoke. Also I learned in the mod log that I was allowed to get away with breaking the rules because one of them wrote how I had just broken a rule and there was no point in warning me about it because I wouldn’t take notice. I felt cheated because they had let me think I was doing fine on the forum and it made me wonder what other rules was I breaking I didn’t know about. But I did find out that apparently lot of rules I broke were things I did on I2 and just where in the rules was it listed that the forum rules apply everywhere else on the internet? Do they also apply in real life too? So what happens if I got into a disagreement with a member on that forum so I randomly run into that person in a store and bring it there and say things to her I wouldn’t have been able to say on the forum due to the rules. After finding this out, it eased my OCD and that obsessive thoughts went away because of the closure. But yet I notice the rules change on the forum whenever we get new mods because of the interpretation of the rules. I also heard that lot of banned members were able to get back on the forum and I was also told that the reason why the mod was demodded was because lot of members complained to the admin about her and I guess that was enough for him to listen so I didn’t just cause her to get demodded because I wouldn’t have caused it alone. What if I didn’t go OCD over the nasty PM, I wonder if that moderator would have still been a moderator but I think she would have eventually lost her mod position like the other two did who were also corrupted. I know I wouldn’t have alerted the admin about my missing accounts if it weren’t for me dwelling on it because my accounts would have still been there if I didn’t obsess about it. But I always have had a hard time with injustice and people being very nasty to me.

There was a talk in our autism group about it about how we process our emotions and I didn’t tell them any of this stuff and how it affects me and tell them about the time when someone else in the ASAN group verbally attacked me and started cussing me and screaming and never apologizing so it took me a while to get over that too and I didn’t tell them about this and that person proved to me how justified I am with my social anxiety because whenever I get rejected, it’s traumatizing because then I am scared of screwing up and getting someone mad and I feel bad about myself because I am reminded how much I suck in social skills. I also didn’t tell them about how hard I took it at 14 when some woman on the bumper boats called me a bitch because I got her wet unintentionally and when I was 15 when my dad’s cousin told me how selfish I am and how my grandfather has a bad heart and I take off running and he could die of a heart attack if I get him so upset. Then after that I never wanted to be around my grandfather again because i didn’t want to get him upset he dies of a heart attack. She had destroyed the relationship between us two. but there is a different between a 14 year old and a 29 year old and a 15 year old and a 29 year old. These might have just been a normal reaction for a teenager but if I had done them as an adult, then it would be a problem. Even my mom wouldn’t want my brother’s ex’s girlfriend to be real nasty with me like she has with other people or it would really hurt me. I was even hurt when my ex blew up with me over the phone about my Dish Network thing he had they wanted back which I explained in my previous blog post and it was so upsetting I was scared of him so I couldn’t even get my other stuff back and my paycheck or the money he owed me for Dish Network, we were supposed to be splitting the bill.

I don’t remember the percentage but I read that 30 percent of autistic people also have OCD. I have noticed that when one gets treated unfairly, they really stick to it and it’s hard for them to let it go. Sometimes it traumatizes them. One woman said in my group that if someone got mad at her and started screaming at her in her front lawn, she would be so traumatized and very upset she wouldn’t be able to leave her house because of the incident she would be reminded of. She just cannot go back to the spot where the bad incident happened so if it happened where she always went to or even in her front yard, it would be very bad and it would change her routine. I don’t think I am that extreme because if an incident happened I wouldn’t be able to not go back to the spot because I know it won’t happen again because it was just being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I remember being at a mall with my son when he was two and he and other kids were running and swinging their hands at each other and grabbing each other and another parent got mad at me about it and blaming my son saying he is beating other kids up and I had been watching him and I never saw him beat anyone up and I saw other kids touching him too so why the double standard. But sadly I failed to point this out so instead I grabbed him and left because I don’t like confrontations. But I can still go back to that play area even though I remember the incident. But what if the parents were just screaming at me and raising their voices and insulting me? Would I still go back to that spot? But I didn’t have any good stories to tell like the other two did. I have always been more sensitive so maybe that is a part of the Asperger’s. But I also feel I got less sensitive because I am not going to get upset anymore if I am called retarded or stupid and dwell on it and I have seen some tough aspies online who don’t get upset what is said to them or get upset over drama but that is online, in real life they could be very sensitive souls while online they are tough because they are anonymous and they can’t see those people or their body language.

Also a shocking thing I had learned in 2010 is when you get very upset about being accused of something you didn’t do, it makes it look like you did it. I do not understand why someone wouldn’t be upset if they were accused of something they did. Getting accused of something you didn’t do is very upsetting and it sucks to be punished for something you didn’t do. It would even upset my husband too very much because he would get in trouble for things he didn’t do but it turned out he was having seizures and they didn’t know about it so is possible my husband did do things during a seizure and then had no memory of it so it was upsetting to get in trouble for something he didn’t do he thought. I was in the moment person as a child so I am sure I got very upset as well when I would get in trouble for something I thought I didn’t do. Just the stories my mom told me, with the tone of her voice, it sounded like I was getting very upset when I was being accused of doing something when I would in my room playing with Barbies and there I was being told I am in the sandbox kicking over a sandcastle when my mom was actually talking about me doing that while she and my father were gone. The problem was I was visual so my mom couldn’t use words to tell me that this happened while I was in the sandbox, not now so she had to draw pictures about my whole day and have me draw about my whole day until we got to that part. Doing this taught me some abstract thinking and I don’t need pictures drawn anymore. Now what would my life have been like if my mom just assumed I didn’t care about the rules and that I was a liar because I was denying things I did? What if she had assumed I was defiant? What would my life have been like as an adult?