Archive for the ‘Asperger’s’ Tag

“Why don’t they cast autistic actors.”

Monday, January 29th, 2018

This question got asked on r/Asperger’s regarding The Good Doctor. Every time they do a TV show about an autistic character, they always cast a neurotypical to portray the autistic person.

That person got responses like there are more NT actors out there than there are with autistic actors and others said autistic people wouldn’t be able to be actors because of poor social skills.

After studying acting and taking classes, I have learned things about it. First of all acting is not just learning lines. Also actors have to use theory of mind and imagine how the character they are playing is thinking and feeling and what their motive is. Autistic people have difficulty with this.

You also need flexibility, you can get a call for a call back so that means drop what you are doing and go in and do the audition again. It is unexpected. Autistic people have troubles with sudden change and interruptions. Also being on the set, you have no idea when you will go home or when you will be done with the scene. You could be on it for 15 hours and still haven’t gone home yet. It’s unpredictable. Autistic people have troubles with uncertainty and their routines being messed up and different.

Good attitude, yes you basically need good social skills to handle conflicts and difficult people and not react to how they are treating you and the unfairness they are giving you. It can reflect badly on you if you react badly and destroy your acting career because then casting directors wouldn’t want to cast you. yes the word spreads in the industry.

Are there aspie actors out there, of course but there are far more normie actors out there than there are with autistic actors. I am guessing they handle all these things or otherwise they wouldn’t be in the industry.

Also how casting works is casting directors look for actors who they feel fit the role. If an autistic person doesn’t fit the role of another autistic person, they won’t cast them. Also they use professional actors, they are not just going to do an open call for all autistic people in the area to portray an autistic character because they want professionals. No one is going to cast a beginner actor with no acting experience in a lead role for a movie or a co star role or even a guest star. The business doesn’t work that way. It takes about ten years to get that far in the industry after you begin acting according to Wendy Alane Wright. I am sure that depends on how serious you take it and how hard you work.

Kids that star in TV shows usually started acting in commercials in their toddler years or they started taking acting classes at a theater at a young age and did some plays there before going to film.

I have learned that things we read in the media about actors don’t tell the whole story because they always make it look like there is this one normal kid and bam he just got a role in a feature film as the star. No it didn’t happen like that. Or when someone gets discovered and they begin acting, we don’t hear that they took acting classes or workshops. Only time this ever happens is if you are a baby. They are cute, they don’t need to act. They just use them for film. For small children, they don’t really need to craft, they are just cute. Then to maintain their acting career, they take classes and do training to keep on doing it and to keep being casted. As you get older, more gets expected out of you in the business. For kid auditions, all they need to do is answer questions you give them like their name and date of birth and about their general life and you send it in. For kids to start acting, all they need to do is recite a commercial and the parent mails it to a talent agent and if they liked how the kid recited it, they represent them. But that doesn’t work that way for 18 and up. I think it’s easier for a kid to start acting than it is for an adult. You don’t just go in and say “I am Beth and I have always wanted to be an actress so i would like to be in a movie please.” No, they would just see me as a wannabe actor and send me away politely. I would be seen as an amateur. If I want to act, go take classes, (Wendy says go to theater school) go to workshops, go practice, do plays and community plays, do indie and student films, study. Wannabe actors want to do none of that, they just want to go in and just be handed a part and then bam they do their lines and act, it doesn’t work that way. That is what actors call being lazy. Wendy compares that to walking into a hospital and saying “Hi I have always wanted to be a doctor, what floor can I work on to be a doctor, can you put me to work now?” and they had no training in being a doctor and never studied it. Only time you can be on film with no acting experience is being a background actor but guess what, that gives you no acting experience and it won’t help you become an actor. You’re just treated like cattle and not considered part of the group like actors are. you’re just there and then you are shuffled away and put in some room until they need you again. You are not allowed to interact with the actors or any of the crew people. Though i have heard of stories about actors interacting with background actors like Rosie O Donnell kept the extras entertained between filming on A League of Their own set with puppet shows and stuff she did so they wouldn’t leave and the crew decided to just pay the extras so they wouldn’t leave because it was so hot out. I just read online extras are not allowed to ever leave the set but these people could for A league of Their Own production? I guess every company is different. The one here that casts people for extras is very strict and does not allow it or else the charge you $100 and deactivate your profile. I am not sure if that means they delete you and put you on their blacklist.

It’s rare to just sit back and not be doing anything when you get discovered by a casting agent or a talent agent and you just happened to be at the right place at the right time. I read you have a higher chance of winning the lottery than this happening. Most actors have to do the work themselves. But back in the days it used to be if you wanted to be on film, all you had to do was go to the agency and they would sign you in and do a contract and they would cast you and give you training, they don’t do that anymore. If you look at old film from the 1930’s and 1940s and 1950’s, you will see how different acting was then, look at how they craft and express themselves and how they express fear and anger. Now today that would be considered bad acting and not be used for film. It wasn’t serious then is why. It was the same with singing too, you want to be a singer, just go in to the talent person and they will put you right to singing. Now you have to do your own work.

So that is why autistic people do not get casted for autistic characters. it doesn’t work that way. Is it possible to get casted as an autistic person for an autistic character, yes it is because it’s happened before.


Is the changing definition of autism

Friday, November 11th, 2016

narrowing what we think of as ‘normal’?


I first learned about autism in 1997 in my high school psychology course. It was relegated to a small paragraph in a chapter on childhood disorders. The film Rainman had come out a decade earlier, publicizing the condition to a degree. But autism still wasn’t well-known – or well-understood, at the time.

That certainly isn’t the case today.

Since then I have been a special educator, an autism consultant, and, most recently, an autism advocate and researcher. I explore how both culture and ethics influence autism as a concept, diagnosis and lived experience. One thing that is clear is that the way we think about autism has changed.




The time my aspie interest nearly got me into trouble

Monday, September 5th, 2016

(title meant to be humor)

Since there is a thread about autism interests causing injuries, mine nearly caused me to get shot, well could have gotten me shot.

I was about 22 or 23 when my husband and I were in Spokane. I was really into the movie Benny & Joon. I remember Jerry felt critical about it so he called it a useless interest because it wouldn’t get me anywhere in life such as success. But my husband always acted supported about it. But anyway we were in the Peaceful valley neighborhood and there was this old school that had been converted into apartments. I see a guy walk out and I asked if those were homes in there and he said yes. I then knew it was not a real school anymore. I look around the building and look behind and see two other units. Then I decide to go through the main doors to look at the hallways and see other units so I go inside and I am wondering why is there a bunch of stuff in the halls. My husband says behind me “You’re in someone’s house.” I bolted out of there and I was so embarrassed. What was I thinking? My husband knew it was a house behind those double doors but I didn’t know that so he figured I knew and didn’t know I was going to walk inside. I was lucky I didn’t get shot because I had trespassed and it’s not illegal to shoot someone in your home. Since it was the state of Washington, I hear you can get in trouble if the intruder didn’t have a gun and they were unarmed. To me that is a dumb law because how are you going to know they don’t have a weapon?

But that is what happened and the time one of my interests nearly got me into trouble. I never did that again. I never told anyone this story because I was so embarrass about it. I never even shared it online either until now.


I might have had a happier childhood

Saturday, April 23rd, 2016

if I had more Asperger’s.

Here’s why:

I wouldn’t have known I was different and I would have thought other kids were weird.

I wouldn’t have cared for friends nor been interested so I wouldn’t have gotten hurt feelings for rejection or been told to go away or been banned from homes

I wouldn’t have cared what other kids thought so I wouldn’t have cared if they thought I was stupid or retarded or mean or rude, etc. I would have just thought those were labels they liked to put on me and it was their problem and they had to work it out themselves. Plus I wouldn’t have had low self esteem and been thinking about killing myself by 6th grade.

I wouldn’t have been a copycat and I wouldn’t have been so frustrated with injustice because I would have thought other kids were stupid for not following the rules and it wouldn’t have confused me. I wouldn’t have cared to be normal because I would have thought I was normal and everyone else was strange so I wouldn’t have been self conscious about my body language or facial expressions and how I walk and when to stop walking and trying to figure out how to act. I wouldn’t have had all that anxiety in school and feel anxious around kids who judged me and been obsessing about being normal and trying to figure out how to act by watching other kids and getting into trouble for trying to be normal. I also wouldn’t have had behavior issues due to it.

And I think it would have been easier for my mother too because I wouldn’t have come home and told her how kids treat me and how unfair things are at school and how I am treated different, so therefore she wouldn’t have known what was going on in school and I wouldn’t have gone to mental health therapist. I would have just thought it wouldn’t have been her business and it was my own problem to figure out myself.


Autism/Asperger’s is there a connection to abuse

Monday, February 15th, 2016

Domestic Abuse, Asperger’s and Autism – is there a connection?

Not really a bad discussion IMO. These women talk about what part is the Asperger’s and what part is just abuse and not Asperger’s. They are trying to separate their partner’s condition from their behavior than trying to blame the abuse on their Asperger’s.

I have wondered for the past year or more if abuse can be attributed from the Asperger’s. What I mean is a person with it doesn’t understand different perspectives and have a hard time understanding feelings so they could act cold towards their partner and be insensitive and not understand and not understand why their partner is upset or hurt or why they can’t take a joke. One NT member has written on Wrongplanet several times that her aspie husband (then undiagnosed) had beaten her during his meltdown and cops were called. How many times have I heard stories about autistic children being violent so they break stuff, hit others while having a meltdown so why would this be any different in adults? One mom wrote in her comments in that blog about her ASD son being willing to learn so that is the difference.

I think in NT/AS relationships, while AS is an explanation, it’s not a get out of free jail card for this behavior. Let’s say an aspie likes to joke around and be funny, the partner gets upset while he is joking while she is having a serious discussion so she tells him “I don’t like it when you make jokes and joke around and tease when I am having a serious discussion because it makes me feel you are disrespecting me and not taking me seriously and it really hurts my feelings” and the aspie can just apologize and try and not do it again whenever his wife is having a serious discussion and when she tells him to stop, he stops, not just keep on doing it. Or let’s say the aspie has a meltdown, he can remove himself from the room and not use his partner as a punching bag.

I think it comes down to personality and a learning attitude. AS children who have a learning attitude can be taught and learn well when given the tools to learn and AS adults can learn too but it might be harder for them if they were never taught because AS wasn’t known when they were children so they might not have been given the tools. But they would also need to have a learning attitude and be willing to change and not stuck in their ways.

Let’s say Jerry really did have Asperger’s. He was not willing to learn which is the difference. He was too stuck in his ways and seemed to be proud in his black and white thinking and it was obvious to me then he had no intention of learning and to change despite him saying how he wanted to be normal but yet he wasn’t doing anything about it. But I never said it was the Asperger’s that was the problem, it was him being a bigot and making too many assumptions without getting any facts first and he was very judgmental and worried too much what people thought of him  and he was very closed minded and didn’t care to be educated. That was what killed our relationship. Then I find out he was possibly a covert narcissist because of the crap he did that fit it.

Let’s also say Jayden had it too, he would joke and tease with me and I told him how it made me feel and he didn’t stop. What if his AS kept him from understanding my feelings and how it made me feel so he didn’t stop because he couldn’t understand? Instead of just accepting that it bothers me and quitting it with me, he continued doing it to me expecting me to get used to it because it was “who he is.” What of my mom was right that he also got stuck in his ways and he gets an idea in his head and it’s hard to change it as someone mentioned in her comment in the blog. Also he didn’t want to work and he would spend all his time playing online and he only wanted to spend money on what he wanted than on stuff like food or things he needs and on bills. He would rather spend it on his interest. What if that was his AS too? I knew of one other aspie who would save his money to buy fire agates and he would even go hungry if he had to to buy one because it was his interest and isn’t it in the criteria about it being an impairment and a special interest only becomes a symptom of AS if it causes an impairment so if someone has to starve themselves or neglect their needs or go with out heat or electricity just so they can spend money on their interests or because they don’t want to work can probably count towards the label and every aspie is different. I have even read how some will neglect their families to be with their interests and some will not do their homework and John Robison wrote in is book “Raising Cubby” how his son would not eat at the table because he wanted to be with his interests. I will forget about my children and block the world out with my interest which is being on the computer and reading stuff and writing. I do feel bad about it every time and it’s hard to get away from it so it always feels good when I am away from it because I am out of the house or I go on vacation and I would rather do things on a trip than be stuck in a condo or hotel room because what is the purpose of going on a trip if you don’t want to explore? To me going to some resort and spending all your time at a pool sunbathing and reading and resting and you never leave the resort is not a good vacation but this is how some people do their vacations.  I would be looking at brochures and maps to see what is there to do and start making plans. But just because we all have AS doesn’t give us a get out of free jail card to be lazy and neglect our kids or our partners and our responsibilities, instead we can find a time to do our interests, set a timer perhaps and when it goes off, it means it’s time to put it to rest, find balance and just remember our interest isn’t going anywhere, it will still be there when we go back to it. I have seen aspies say online how they don’t want to work because they want to be with their interest and to me this is just being lazy because part of being an adult is to work and not working just because your special interest is more important is not an inability to work.  One aspie told me in the group that he feels you are just wasting your time so I told him working is part of life unless you can afford to work part time and still support yourself without any help from the system and if you have lot of money and you don’t have to work at all like rich people. This is just another example of it being an impairment.

If a partner felt they were being ignored by their AS partner because they were spending more time with their interests and their money on it instead of on them, talk to them about it and the AS partner should try and make an effort to be with them more and try and spend some money on their partner like take them out, buy them something, but don’t ask them to get rid of their interests and still let them spend time with them, just help them find a balance and the AS partner would have to be willing to make the effort to try. It’s called a learning attitude.

Also what I wrote before how my mother told me if she told me at 13 I had lost her trust, it wouldn’t have worked because I wouldn’t have cared and just thought it was her problem and she needed to figure it out. This made me feel like a psychopath because they also don’t care about others but my mom told me no I was just trying to figure out the rules and I didn’t understand feelings or how she felt. So just imagine an aspie acting this way in relationships, wouldn’t the partner feel abused? Their partner doesn’t care about them because they don’t understand how they feel.

I remember one NT writing about her aspie how she was sick and her aspie had to head out and he was supposed to pick something up for her but he had forgotten and it was something she needed to get better but he got upset and refused to do it when he got back because it would have broken his routine.

I could remember in my autism group when one aspie said how he got upset when his wife got sick because they were supposed to be going somewhere together and Roger Meyer told him “Now hold it, you are an adult here so you should be handling this maturely. If you were a child, it would be understandable because children don’t understand.” I stepped in and said “I am sure he wasn’t mad at his wife and he was only mad about the plans had changed because it wasn’t her fault she got sick” and he said “But he an adult here, things will happen and won’t always go as planned, what can he do when he makes plans and then it has to change.” I then said “come up with another plan for in case something happens for back up” and he told me that is a good idea and he told the other guy he should always do plan B for in case plan A doesn’t happen.

Now I don’t know if this guy in the group treated his wife wrong or acted mad towards her making her feel bad about herself just because she got sick and refusing to talk to her but even though he had AS, he could come up with other alternate plans for in case something happens that changes the plan so he is mentally prepared. That can be done in AS/NT relationships. Like I say, it’s not a get out of free jail card. After all we are adults so we should be aware that shit happens in life that is beyond our control and it’s not the person’s fault. It’s more understandable when an autistic child behaves that way because they’re children, they don’t understand just like NT children don’t understand so they also get upset with broken promises so the parent has to be careful what they say. My mom used to tell my brothers and I as children we will do this if the weather is nice or she would say she will see and say we will do it if the weather is nice or if nothing else is going on and if there is no other plans.

I remember when I got very tired, Jerry still made me come to work with him to put ads together. Why? because he said I had told him I would do it. But what if I had gotten the flu or gotten a bad headache or an upset stomach or constipation where I had abdominal cramps or what if I had fallen and sprained my ankle so I could barely walk? Shit does happen so would he have still made me come? He was an adult so he should have known these things and understood than be stuck on “But you said you would do this” like a child would. But I have to ask myself if this was Asperger’s or just him being an asshole and being a narcissistic? After all they are like giant children and I felt he was a giant kid with Asperger’s because he seemed to have childhood AS, not adult AS. He did things I would expect in an aspie child because they don’t know any better and they mature as they get older so their traits change. Lot of adult aspies can even pass the Sally Anne test because our brains have matured and we think more logically so we know there is no way Sally would know Anne had placed her ball in the basket if she wasn’t in the room. This is why we argue about this test and say how stupid it is and inaccurate about testing TOM. I even passed this at 15 when I saw it in a Newsweek magazine when they did an article about autism. I have seen other arguments about this test like how do they know Sally didn’t see Anne move the ball? Maybe Sally did see her move it when Anne didn’t think she was looking. I saw this was also saw this test was also testing different perspectives unintentionally and doctors would just assume the person has no TOM.

Just recently I have supposed to come to the basement to my husband after the kids are asleep but I would either forget or get too tired and I would end up going to sleep. Now what if he had gotten mad at me for not coming down like I said I would because he wanted me to? What if he had made me come down anyway despite that I was falling a sleep and I was very tired because my body was sick and just was making me get knocked out every night because I was so tired. What if he was Jerry? He might have made me come down anyway and not care if I was very tired and felt I was knocked out under anesthesia because I told him I would do it. Now would this be due to the Asperger’s or is he just being a jerk?

These women in their comments are trying to separate when to blame it on Asperger’s and where to draw the line for that this is just them being abusive and to stop blaming the condition for their behavior.

Just a reminder than anyone can be an abuser no matter of what condition they have or if they are NT and no matter what race they are or nationality or religion or background they have. But the dilemma people may face is where to draw the line for what is abuse and what is Asperger’s and when do you stop having sympathy for them and when are you the victim. Would it make you intolerant if you left them because you were unhappy and had depression or were stressed out and having anxiety or because you were dealing with low self esteem due to your partner’s criticism? Just when are your feelings right and not wrong? Are you a victim or just not understanding? Are you expecting too much from your partner? How much can you put up with from your partner and where do you draw the line for their behavior? When do you need to toughen and get over it? When is it okay to leave them? There will always be a possibility people will see you as a narcissistic and as an ignorant and un understanding person or think of you as being negative about aspies in general when you talk about your abusive partner who happened to have Asperger’s so it’s best to not mention their condition at all when you talk about it.

So when AS/NT relationships fail, is it because of Asperger’s or because of their personality and lack of learning attitude? What if they had BPD or narcissism or Bipolar, etc. Would it be due to that illness or just a lack of learning attitude and their personality or lack of self awareness? But is it possibly that their illness attributed to the abuse and to the break up? That is what I had been thinking about Asperger’s too and it’s just politically incorrect to even mention it. After all no one wants to be labeled as an abuser and have everyone thinking all aspies are abusers and that we will emotionally neglect you because of lack of TOM and troubles with understanding feelings and our lack of social cues and because of our rigid thinking and black and white thinking and having routines and not liking change and being mind blind. It’s bad enough personality disorders have been stigmatized so we don’t want autism to have that same stigma. I am still not comfortable when crime gets connected to Asperger’s because I don’t want everyone thinking we will commit crimes do to our special interests or because we have meltdowns so we will attack you.



Accused of dragging aspies through the mud

Saturday, December 19th, 2015

A 13 year old aspie asked on an autism forum how many of us have been through an abusive relationship and he told us about his experience with it and it was real short.

I responded and told about mine and someone who responded hours later totally misunderstood saying the OP said nothing about AS and said actually that’s presumably why they are there so I probably should stop dragging that through the mud and then he said I had a blog for this.

First of all I mentioned my ex was a covert narcissist and I also had the word AS in quotes to indicate he didn’t have it. I talked about my experience in it and why I let the abuse happen and how easy it to to be the victim of emotional abuse if the narc is hiding behind the autism label. Also I have written in this blog how I no longer identify my ex as an aspie. I don’t claim for him to be aspie, I only refer him as being a covert narcissist. Even if he did actually have AS, I don’t care and I find rather he had it or not to be irrelevant.

So yeah that person totally misunderstood my post and what I was saying. I was not dragging anyone through the mud or trying to make us all look bad or give us a bad name, as a matter of fact, he should be disgusted about the fact that someone could claim to have AS and hide behind it to abuse making the rest of us look bad. It is a possibility my ex might have thought he actually had it.

I had to look up the phrase ‘drag through the mud’ to understand what it meant because idioms I still have troubles with so I google it for the meaning and I saw what he was actually telling me and saw he was accusing me. There is no malicious intent and I am not dragging anyone through the mud and my ex was not a good person.

So I was only supposed to respond to the post saying “yes?”

When the OP told his story about being in a emotionally abusive relationship and saying how it was also psychical, I thought I was supposed to tell about mine.

Also the whole point of this blog is where I put my feelings and thoughts and it’s not all about being in a abusive relationship. I talk about anything here I have on my mind and it can be about my kids or about work or my childhood or my problems or past abusive relationship or rants or about anything in general and I have put fun things up like Nintendo music.

The OP did write in their thread title “possibly triggering” and had it in parenthesis. My post was triggering alright.


Sometimes I am the wrong person to mess with

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015

I have posted about accidentally getting my school counselor fired and losing his license because of my constant questioning and trying to understand things.

I have made many posts about my ex boyfriend Jerry already and I just couldn’t keep anything to myself because I always had to call my parents on the phone to talk to them and anything I am upset or frustrated about I had to go to them. This would upset him because his fear was me making him look bad and it turns out his fear was correct and he was trying to cut me off from my parents so I bet he had on his list now as a red flag is someone who has to call their mommy and daddy on the phone to talk about their problems. But thanks to this, they were always there for me and that also meant my ex could never get my parents so side against me and make me look crazy and they would always be around to rescue me and I don’t even know if he is that kind of person to make your whole family believe you are crazy and side against you. Also  was able to confirm that this wasn’t all in my head about him being abusive when my mom told me some stories like how I called her one night and I was crying and then I hung up because I saw he was coming and also the time when she would hear him argue with me in the background and we would both fight and my parents would come to town to “visit” my aunt and uncle but they were just there to check up on me and I bet that made it hard for my ex.

I once got a mod fired because she deleted my account and that was also unplanned. I had not talked about it in years because it’s something controversial and I was seen as the bad guy for it. I think it was my OCD that did it because I couldn’t stop obsessing about it and dwelling on it so I kept on talking about it and it was hard for me to move on because when I am wrongly accused of something or treated very badly and unfairly, I get very upset and it’s hard for me to let go and then I saw my account was deleted and my other one so I had to ask the forum admin about it and I showed him and then he asked if he can call me back. Yes I had his phone number because he had it posted on his forum and also PM some members his phone number. Three hours later he calls me back and says it looks like someone deleted it and I knew right away who it was. He thought so too and I remember another user posted a thread on the forum about missing accounts and I created a new account to tell about the injustice and I was expecting my post to be deleted but it wasn’t and then the forum admin said he had demodded all his mods until he figures out the issue and I had all the former banned members come back to tell their side of the story and how they were also wrong but instead it turned into them attacking the mods. It was a big drama and I remember there were both threads about it and the drama happened in both. There was also a discussion bout it on a different forum that was a spin off from the other forum the incident happened on. One of the mods saw it and thought I had an agenda and thought i was contradicting myself when on the other forum I seemed concerned about my account but on the other forum I seemed happy that the mod was caught. Of course I was happy. But yet the mod thought I planned for the other mod to be demodded but I didn’t know what was going to happen honestly. My original plan was I was going to not post on that forum anymore but instead after the moderator purge ended, all the mods got their tools back except for that one mod who deleted my accounts and I ended up staying because she was no longer a mod so I felt safe again. She had done her crazy antics to other members as well and her doing it to me one day really proved to me how right other people were about her with their stories. But what did I do, I got excited and threw a party on the autism forums about her being demodded all because of my complaint caused it and I have always been helpless and people can see I am someone to mess with because I can’t fend for myself very well and this time I felt like victory and didn’t feel helpless but yet I was seen as the bully for sticking up for myself. I even posted my PM chat about her I had with the forum mod to show how crazy the mod is because she had told the admin that this one banned member came to her home and took stuff from it and he was asking me about it. But this banned member lived all the way in England so he was teased about it by the forums members on Intensitysquared. I wanted to move on from the incident but because of my own OCD, it made it hard, the feelings were still there and it was over but I still felt wrong so I did two impersonations, I did one on the mod and on her friend who sided with her and didn’t believe me when I told her she deleted my accounts so I showed her proof and she acted dumb about it because she still denied it. On intensitysquared (I2 for short) impersonations are normal there, it’s done as a joke so I did it there. But doing that still didn’t make me get over it and it took me over a year to get over it and it was until around October 2011, when one of the new former mods decided to post one of the mod logs onto that forum from the other forum and it took place right after the moderator purge so it was from February 2010. I read the comments in it and I saw lot of things said about me were not true by two mods and they were just paranoid and I think any current mod who reads it would know. It did show me there was mod corruption on the forum, they really did moderate what members did on other forums (I got locked out of my account after I posted about the nasty PM on I2 I got from the moderator on the other forum which is known as the silent ban), also it looked like the two mods thought I had an agenda in my posts just because i was a member on I2 so I could understand now why some members would leave that forum and not post there again. They probably knew it could get them into trouble on the other board based on things they write over on I2. I was naive to think that moderators would keep things separate on each forum. Just as long as you follow the rules on their forum and behave, it wouldn’t matter what you do somewhere else because they would see that but how wrong I was. I was also blamed for an account there that was never mind because back in 2007, someone opened an account impersonating me and the admin thought it was me. I let it go because I didn’t think it was a big deal because I was still there and I wasn’t penalized for it so it was nothing to be upset about. How wrong I was because I think it did contribute to the problems I had on the forum and the other mods even thought I had another account there that was also not mine because someone else opened that account using the same avatar I used, and reading the mod log, it looked like they thought I had more accounts because it sounded like every time they got a troll, they thought it was me. Also any time someone from I2 would come to the other forum to troll, the mods assumed I was behind it and that i knew about it but usually I didn’t know about it until after it happened and also when I did know sometimes, i stayed out of it because i didn’t want to rat and cause trouble for myself. So me being a member on I2 is what got me into trouble on the other forum and contributed to the nasty PM and also the mod claimed I broke lot of rules and I was like what. I was only given like five warnings in 2009 because i didn’t realize what I was doing fell under one of the rules like for example I learned that posting a link to another forum is considered an attack on other forums. I also learned that posting a thread asking what member has the most severe Asperger’s is considered an attack even though members on that forum talk about how much they love their autism and wouldn’t cure it but yet talking about who is the most severe is an attack? Even one of my online friends thought it was a double standard. I also learned that talking about William Fuend is considered provoking members but yet I see that same mod talk about him, the one she gave me a PM about and got nasty with me. What a hypocrite. I was expected to know everything that fell under the rules and it was on an autism forum and I was expected to think like an NT. But I kept falling into loopholes because I didn’t realize something would be considered an attack or a provoke. Also I learned in the mod log that I was allowed to get away with breaking the rules because one of them wrote how I had just broken a rule and there was no point in warning me about it because I wouldn’t take notice. I felt cheated because they had let me think I was doing fine on the forum and it made me wonder what other rules was I breaking I didn’t know about. But I did find out that apparently lot of rules I broke were things I did on I2 and just where in the rules was it listed that the forum rules apply everywhere else on the internet? Do they also apply in real life too? So what happens if I got into a disagreement with a member on that forum so I randomly run into that person in a store and bring it there and say things to her I wouldn’t have been able to say on the forum due to the rules. After finding this out, it eased my OCD and that obsessive thoughts went away because of the closure. But yet I notice the rules change on the forum whenever we get new mods because of the interpretation of the rules. I also heard that lot of banned members were able to get back on the forum and I was also told that the reason why the mod was demodded was because lot of members complained to the admin about her and I guess that was enough for him to listen so I didn’t just cause her to get demodded because I wouldn’t have caused it alone. What if I didn’t go OCD over the nasty PM, I wonder if that moderator would have still been a moderator but I think she would have eventually lost her mod position like the other two did who were also corrupted. I know I wouldn’t have alerted the admin about my missing accounts if it weren’t for me dwelling on it because my accounts would have still been there if I didn’t obsess about it. But I always have had a hard time with injustice and people being very nasty to me.

There was a talk in our autism group about it about how we process our emotions and I didn’t tell them any of this stuff and how it affects me and tell them about the time when someone else in the ASAN group verbally attacked me and started cussing me and screaming and never apologizing so it took me a while to get over that too and I didn’t tell them about this and that person proved to me how justified I am with my social anxiety because whenever I get rejected, it’s traumatizing because then I am scared of screwing up and getting someone mad and I feel bad about myself because I am reminded how much I suck in social skills. I also didn’t tell them about how hard I took it at 14 when some woman on the bumper boats called me a bitch because I got her wet unintentionally and when I was 15 when my dad’s cousin told me how selfish I am and how my grandfather has a bad heart and I take off running and he could die of a heart attack if I get him so upset. Then after that I never wanted to be around my grandfather again because i didn’t want to get him upset he dies of a heart attack. She had destroyed the relationship between us two. but there is a different between a 14 year old and a 29 year old and a 15 year old and a 29 year old. These might have just been a normal reaction for a teenager but if I had done them as an adult, then it would be a problem. Even my mom wouldn’t want my brother’s ex’s girlfriend to be real nasty with me like she has with other people or it would really hurt me. I was even hurt when my ex blew up with me over the phone about my Dish Network thing he had they wanted back which I explained in my previous blog post and it was so upsetting I was scared of him so I couldn’t even get my other stuff back and my paycheck or the money he owed me for Dish Network, we were supposed to be splitting the bill.

I don’t remember the percentage but I read that 30 percent of autistic people also have OCD. I have noticed that when one gets treated unfairly, they really stick to it and it’s hard for them to let it go. Sometimes it traumatizes them. One woman said in my group that if someone got mad at her and started screaming at her in her front lawn, she would be so traumatized and very upset she wouldn’t be able to leave her house because of the incident she would be reminded of. She just cannot go back to the spot where the bad incident happened so if it happened where she always went to or even in her front yard, it would be very bad and it would change her routine. I don’t think I am that extreme because if an incident happened I wouldn’t be able to not go back to the spot because I know it won’t happen again because it was just being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I remember being at a mall with my son when he was two and he and other kids were running and swinging their hands at each other and grabbing each other and another parent got mad at me about it and blaming my son saying he is beating other kids up and I had been watching him and I never saw him beat anyone up and I saw other kids touching him too so why the double standard. But sadly I failed to point this out so instead I grabbed him and left because I don’t like confrontations. But I can still go back to that play area even though I remember the incident. But what if the parents were just screaming at me and raising their voices and insulting me? Would I still go back to that spot? But I didn’t have any good stories to tell like the other two did. I have always been more sensitive so maybe that is a part of the Asperger’s. But I also feel I got less sensitive because I am not going to get upset anymore if I am called retarded or stupid and dwell on it and I have seen some tough aspies online who don’t get upset what is said to them or get upset over drama but that is online, in real life they could be very sensitive souls while online they are tough because they are anonymous and they can’t see those people or their body language.

Also a shocking thing I had learned in 2010 is when you get very upset about being accused of something you didn’t do, it makes it look like you did it. I do not understand why someone wouldn’t be upset if they were accused of something they did. Getting accused of something you didn’t do is very upsetting and it sucks to be punished for something you didn’t do. It would even upset my husband too very much because he would get in trouble for things he didn’t do but it turned out he was having seizures and they didn’t know about it so is possible my husband did do things during a seizure and then had no memory of it so it was upsetting to get in trouble for something he didn’t do he thought. I was in the moment person as a child so I am sure I got very upset as well when I would get in trouble for something I thought I didn’t do. Just the stories my mom told me, with the tone of her voice, it sounded like I was getting very upset when I was being accused of doing something when I would in my room playing with Barbies and there I was being told I am in the sandbox kicking over a sandcastle when my mom was actually talking about me doing that while she and my father were gone. The problem was I was visual so my mom couldn’t use words to tell me that this happened while I was in the sandbox, not now so she had to draw pictures about my whole day and have me draw about my whole day until we got to that part. Doing this taught me some abstract thinking and I don’t need pictures drawn anymore. Now what would my life have been like if my mom just assumed I didn’t care about the rules and that I was a liar because I was denying things I did? What if she had assumed I was defiant? What would my life have been like as an adult?

Does this mean I have psychopath traits?

Monday, October 12th, 2015

The wish to hurt others is tied not to autism but to psychopathy

I have had fantasies to hurt others who make me mad and I used to have violent thoughts about my ex boyfriends and the only thing that held me back was knowing the consequences to my actions. I think my therapist had psychopathy confused with autism because he blamed my violent fantasies on Asperger’s and I knew then how much BS that was because after reading about it for over two years then, not one book or webpage ever listed violent thoughts as a symptom of Asperger’s.

So this also confirms my fear that I might be a psychopath or have just the traits but not enough to be one. But I think me not acting on it is more out of concern for me than how it would affect others or what destruction it might cause. But I wouldn’t want to take out a bunch of innocent lives who have never done anything wrong to me and it’s not about because I would go to jail, it’s because I am not that evil. I notice my violent fantasies have only been aimed at people who were causing me distress, hurt my feelings, been mean to me, affecting me with whatever they are doing to me. Remember in my other blog post where I wrote about wanting to hurt our puppy because he wouldn’t quit peeing in the house? Then I had a lot less meltdowns and anxiety when he was gone because he caused me tremendous anxiety so I wanted to literally kill him to end it all.

Can psychopathy come and go?

Sunday, October 4th, 2015

Every time we hear about school shootings or animal torture, we always hear the word psychopath for those monsters that did it, same as for when parents kill their kids including disabled ones.

I have always felt I had some characteristics because lack of remorse is one of them. that is just something I never grasped, I cannot understand why someone would do something wrong and then feel bad for it. Why would you want to do something bad in the first place?

I remember as a kid I would sometimes do something wrong and not feel bad for it. For example, when I was six or seven I took a pack of gum from the store after Mom had told me I couldn’t have it. I took it off the shelf and opened it and my mother caught me eating it when we got home. She asked me “Were did you get the gum?”

Me: from the store

Mom: Why?

Me: I wanted it.

Mom: But I told you no you couldn’t have it

Me: But I wanted it.

So my mom took it from me and finished putting the groceries away and took me upstairs to my room and made me take some coins out of my piggy bank. She was going to teach me a lesson about if I want stuff from the store and what money is used for. She took me back, told the cashier what I did but she says “Oh that’s okay.” Mom tells her “No she is going to pay for this gum so she will learn her lesson.” So the cashier lets me pay for it and then she hands me back my gum. “Here is your gum dear.” My mom tells her “No, it’s going to be thrown away now, she can’t have it.” The cashier tells her I had paid for it and my mom tells her if she lets me keep that gum, I will think it’s okay to take things from the store. Other customers who were there thought my mother was nuts but an elderly woman said “No that is being a good parent.”

My mom and I left and my mom tossed the gum out and I was mad because I had paid for it not seeming to understand why I couldn’t have it.

So you see, a normal kid would feel bad for taking the gum without paying for it, but me I didn’t care. I was not embarrassed nor even felt bad for breaking the law. I would have just learned if I wanted something, just take it and mom would have to let me have it so that is why she threw it away so I will know there is no point in taking things I want if my mom will just not let me have it. Did I have no remorse because I didn’t understand how it would make others feel around me or did I have that psychopath trait? Even as a kid I had a hard time with feelings and understanding them. I knew of laughing and crying and mad and yelling but I didn’t really understand why they felt that way. Feelings are abstract and I was very concrete. According to my mother I was loving and would pick up on her feelings as a toddler because I would act different around her. She called it a gift. I must have lost it then.

I also teased others kids and didn’t know when to stop and I loved to provoke people to see their reactions and do things to see how people would react and I didn’t seem to care how I made others feel. Did I not understand their feelings and their reactions or was that the psychopathic tenancy?

But as I got older I wanted to be a good person and not evil so I changed my behavior. I compensated. I still don’t feel a lot of emotion so I feel I still lack empathy. I can watch the news and not get really upset like most people do but yet whenever I read stuff by Sarah Burleton, I just want to punch her mother and I feel hate for her because of what she did. I cannot imagine torturing my own child or shooting at an innocent goat. Instead of rehoming the animal, Nancy had decided to shoot it with a BB gun to hurt Sarah because it was her animal. The goat would destroy things on property and eat the flowers and Nancy hated it.

I always got violent thoughts but was never strong enough to execute them to seriously harm other kids including my bullies. I realized at 14 I was too nice to do that but that means I don’t have enough psychopathy in me to do it which is why i believe when people do school shootings, they must have been a psychopath because they had enough in them to execute such an action.

When I was 16 I was having a lot of anxiety and more meltdowns because my family would not keep the house neat so it was stressing me out. Then my dad brought home Squeaky. That caused me tremendous anxiety and it literally made me go crazy. Crazy to a point that I changed as a person. I started to mimic Frankie to get my way so my life would be easier. I also wanted to kill Squeaky and was getting compulsions to drown him in our pond. I believe I would have done it because the only thing that held me back from doing it was fearing i would go to a mental hospital and I wanted to torture him too but was also afraid of getting institutionalized. My mom had already threatened to send me away once so I was forced to stop trying to have ODD. I was having nightmares about the dog and nightmares that my mother had stopped caring about me so she was letting kids be mean to me. I believe I was getting close to killing the animal but then something happened, he got hit by a car and died. That saved me from turning into a psychopath. Thinking of the fact that that dog would have made me go crazy makes me think of this song here:

What could a puppy possibly do that would drive someone to kill the poor thing? Well when there is the OCD, the anxiety, the depression, emotional issues, and the fact the dog wouldn’t quit pissing in the house because no one would watch him and the fact no one would let the person keep them crated or keep the puppy outside would do it because the person had reached their breaking point and couldn’t handle it anymore so they killed whatever was giving them the stress.

What would have happened if i really did kill the animal, I would have been a psychopath and then be recovered from it because I would no longer have all that anxiety and stress and my OCD wouldn’t be so out of control because whatever was causing it had been removed from my environment.

So what would that mean for someone who is at risk like I am. Well first of all they shouldn’t have a pet that can’t meet their standards due to their mental issues. My dad should not have brought home that animal but we had another dog but she met my standards because she always peed outside and she didn’t wreck things. But even if someone would be at risk to kill an animal, it is very unlikely it will happen because first of all if they had a pet, they would either keep the pet locked up or outside and if the pet was still a nuisance, they would re home it than torture it and kill it which is why I say Nancy could have kept the goat fenced in part of their land or get rid of it by rehoming the animal but no she had to shoot it with BBs to punish her daughter. Also they might not live with anyone who has an animal they can’t stand nor would they get in a relationship with someone with it. They would problem solve first before going crazy and for me it would take me a lot before I go crazy and become a psychopath which is why it always scares me to imagine how I would handle a severely autistic child or someone severely handicapped because I worry I would be one of those parents who kills their disabled child. I did try to problem solve with our puppy by keeping him in his crate or outside but no one would let that happen so I got worse and worse and having violent thoughts about our puppy. I used to tell stories in my therapist’s office called The Abusing Adventures of Squeaky and my therapist found them funny and told me his office was a safe place for these stories. Back then i thought he was evil and not a normal animal because he wouldn’t go outside, he would just hold it and wait until he was inside to go so it made me think he was doing it on purpose and he loved going in the house. I can remember my therapist saying to me “Oh you thought he was defiant.” Even as an adult I still didn’t understand how a puppy can be so stubborn and I knew I couldn’t be crazy because he really did wait until he was inside before he took a piss. But no one seemed to believe me because everyone saw him as innocent. Then I started to think if dogs can have fetishes like humans, maybe he had a wetting fetish and loved going inside. It was one of my online friends who laughed and told me he wasn’t doing it on purpose and I asked what did he mean by that and she said he wasn’t doing it to upset me and he didn’t know it was upsetting me. I asked her why did he keep on doing it and she said he was probably just confused, he was a dumb animal. So I did my research and learned that he just probably had it backwards, he came from a pet shop so he always peed inside and thought he could pee inside and puppies when in a new environment, they find all these places in the house they could pee in so crating them is what you do because they will never pee in their bed or area like humans. so I was right about crating our puppy, it is not cruel, that is how you house train them. I wish I knew this at 16 years of age and I wish I was told this solution so i wouldn’t have gone crazy thinking I was trapped and there was nothing I could do. My therapist was correct, there was something I could have done but he wouldn’t tell me when I asked what could I have done? I was so defensive then because anyone who didn’t see it my way was against me. Anyone who treated me like the bad guy was against me so I always put on my defense. But my online friend understood me, she didn’t judge or go against me so I was able to listen and do some research. This is how you get through to people folks, you understand them, see their perspective, not judge them, and it is easier for them to listen because it’s easier to get though to them if you understand their side than treating them like the bad guy. If I knew this at 16, I would have been in control of my environment again and not go crazy and have daily meltdowns and try and mimic Frankie or even doing self harm or even squeezing the puppy or pushing it away with a broom or pounding my fists on his crate with him inside it or pushing it out of the way with my feet or broom whenever he is in it because I hated him and didn’t see him as an animal. It’s like how people don’t see someone as human once they rape a child or do child abuse so they use that to justify for them getting raped or beaten in prison, well I was justifying not seeing him an an animal to do my actions on him to release anger. I also would literally throw him outside because I hated him. We were both at war. But yeah maybe he was an innocent animal like everyone always said. But yet I still don’t feel bad. I must have that psychopathic trait. But that was me going crazy there because of the anxiety and stress and I had been pushed that far by my family so that is why i say my dad should not have gotten a new dog and we should have gotten rid of him. I think it’s wrong to keep a animal in the house with someone who is aggressive with it. That should be a form of animal abuse. But it wasn’t the dog’s fault either. He probably thought I was crazy because he didn’t know that him pissing in the house was making me that way. Plus I think he had it backwards about his toilet like I did when I was 2 and 3. But no way was I pissing in my diapers or on the floor or just in my pants to piss my mother off. What if she had abused me thinking I was doing it on purpose and that I was evil and I was no innocent child so she used that to justify the abuse? It wouldn’t have to be beatings or starvation or anything bad that would harm me or leave me any marks and injuries. I could have been hair pulling or being choked or squeezed or hit because those things would be hard to prove if she wasn’t leaving any marks on me. Yes people would be getting on her case about it and judge her harshly if they all knew than understanding her and seeing her perspective to get through to her. Instead I was put back in diapers because my mother figured I wasn’t ready. Problem was solved even though some people online have felt she did me a disservice when I told them that story about how she tried to potty train me and I had it all backwards so she put me back in them. But too bad puppies don’t wear diapers.  But I have heard horror stories online about potty training and some parents snap and abuse them. I couldn’t understand it until I was potty training my son and after but no way am I going to justify their abuse and I didn’t go abusing my son for wetting or messing his pants because he wouldn’t use the potty. But yes I did cry and I did get frustrated to a point where I just wanted to hit him and slap him silly and my dad thought he should be spanked when all I could do is put him in time out, take away a privilege for him, have him get a natural consequence; he wouldn’t be able to wear his big boy underwear if he got them all soiled and I am not going to be washing them until there is laundry. This was after he knew how to use the potty. I never punished him during potty training. He would go forwards and then regress again and that stopped when I had my daughter and poof he never regressed again so I knew he knew how to use the potty and he was just choosing to not go. I knew that all along because he would be good at going potty and then regress. Even with our washer down, he went potty in the toilet and didn’t wet or mess himself until the washing machine was working again so there is another hint that he was doing it on purpose. But I doubt he was doing it to torment me and I have heard of little kids wetting and messing themselves on purpose because they don’t want to stop playing to go potty. I can handle human pee because it’s different than animal pee so it doesn’t make my OCD go bad. It’s easier to clean up and to get rid of.

So can one turn into a psychopath due to the environment and their own mental issues and then not be a psychopath anymore once they are out of whatever caused them to be that way?

If I were seeing a therapist, I would be asking him/her this question,

BTW when the puppy did die, my daily meltdowns went away and my anxiety lessened. My mom also felt relieved when he died because he caused so much chaos on the household even though he didn’t do it on purpose.

I have also tried talking to people including my old therapists about my concern for psychopathy but all of them have told me I am not one if I am even thinking about it and also because I don’t kill and torture people. I am not Diane Downs or Ted Bundy. But is it possible to be one and not act on it? Diane Downs sure shot her kids once but had never killed anyone else or do anything evil before and no doctor ever thought she had cluster B disorders until after she did the crime. She has not done any others since but that is because she is in prison and what if she had gotten away with it, would she have done another evil thing? Would she have tried to kill her kids again? Not all psychopaths do crimes over and over like Bundy did or Dalmar or Gacy. I fact only very few commit crimes. But do I have any psychopath traits? Symptoms do overlap. What if I actually had psychopath traits and they were mistaken for Asperger’s when I was a kid because psychopathy cannot be diagnosed in kids until they are 18. But I have never tortured any animals or anyone so of course it would never be caught. But then again even autistic and aspie children have caused injuries and I have read bad stories online about autistic children being mean to animals. I was rough with them too as a kid because I didn’t really understand. My therapist I saw when I was 11 and 12 had to teach me. But I didn’t really torture them like psychopaths did when they were children. I would never dream of killing an animal as a child or wanting to harm them. I did try to get my cat to fight with our neighbor’s dog once but I wasn’t trying to harm my cat and I didn’t know a dog could kill a cat during a fight. Also I used to think my lack of feelings for others was due to my autism but then I started reading around 2009 that they do have empathy and they in fact feel too much so they get overwhelmed from it so it appears they do not care. I cannot relate to that, I feel too little in fact. I can see someone cry and not be affected by it. I will just know they are sad or upset. But then again I remember reading a story by John Robison in one of his books about how he saw an accident and the person was hurt so he was able to help the person without feeling anything, most people would panic and be upset what they saw and not be able to do a thing about it because their emotions would have gotten in the way. It didn’t mean he was a psychopath of course. I do hear how logical us aspie creatures are but yet that contradicts about having too much empathy so wouldn’t that mean they get in the way if they cause us to shut down? That just shows how different we all are. Maybe I don’t have psychopath traits. Like I say symptoms over lap. I was impulsive when I was a kid too and that is also a symptom of psychopathy. My parents even though I would be one of those school shooters so they made sure my grandfather’s gun was locked up at his house and that they didn’t have any fire arm around. She said I was so impulsive I would have done it without even thinking of the aftermath. Yes I even almost burnt down our barn once when I was 16 because I came home from school very upset so to calm myself, I drag the trash to the rotted wood pile, light it on fire and it burns and then the grass catches on fire and it got close to the barn but the fire didn’t get that far to catch it on fire. My parents came home and saw it and my mom told me how it’s part of my IEP whatever she was talking about and told me I get so impulsive so it’s part of my IEP and I said I don’t get impulsive and she told me to look out the window so i did and she pointed to the grass that was burned and told me “That is how impulsive you were, you almost burned down the barn because you didn’t even think before setting the garbage on fire because you were very upset and that is what happens when you are very upset you get very impulsive.” I have no memory of feeling bad for almost burning down our barn. But the barn didn’t burn down so no need to feel bad about it.

There are also other conditions out there that overlap with psychopathy like narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, oppositonal defiant disorder, conduct disorder, and reactive attachment disorder. I do feel that RAD is basically psychopathy in kids except they are created. I can remember my therapist mentioning conduct disorder to me but he didn’t say I had it so I must be cured from it then because I am not in that environment anymore where I was going crazy and heading for psychopathy or conduct disorder. Makes me wonder if it can come and go. There would be two different types, those who are psychopaths no matter what and the other type would be they are one when it depends on the environment they are in like are they stressed out and having anxiety, and have they reached their breaking point? Then once whatever was causing it is resolved, they no longer have it. That could be the case with school shooters too. they reach their breaking point and go crazy and do a killing spree. The Night Santa Went Crazy.

Autism vs OCD about a clean house

Friday, October 2nd, 2015

There is an overlap between the two, what do they have in common; obsessions, anxiety, rituals, the need to perform a task.

But with OCD, they do not like their routines and their obsessions, it causes them distress.

People with autism love their routines, it keeps them relaxed, it helps them function better

But I read people with OCD will perform their routines and tasks to keep themselves calm and to ease their anxiety. But don’t autistic people get anxiety when they can’t perform a  task and ritual because of their routine? Don’t they get upset with a change in their routine and have a meltdown? Same thing happens to people with OCD when they also can’t do it. According to my mother, people with OCD can also get violent if you try to keep them from doing their routine. For autistic people, it’s about predictability, for OCD people, it’s about control. They need to be in control because it keeps them calm and relaxed.

I read that only 30% of people with OCD like things clean and neat and are obsessed about a clean house. That is a common stereotype about OCD so you often hear “I am so OCD about my clean home.”

In the movie Snow Cake Linda liked having a clean house and would freak out over dirt and anything out of place. She was a perfectionist about her home, she was literally OCD about her clean home and she also needed everyone to take their shoes off when they come inside, I could relate so much to this because I was exactly the same way when I was a kid, shoes always had to be off, I would freak out over dirt and messes and freak out over dog pee like she did in the movie. But she had autism, not OCD. I have been diagnosed with both in 6th grade. It was like they made a movie about me except it was about a middle aged woman who was autistic, not Asperger’s. She also couldn’t touch the trash bags so her daughter always did it and now that she was deceased, she needed Alex to stay and do it for her.  Could she have been a dirtophobic or a germophobic or did she simply have sensory issues with plastic trash bags. Her reason for a clean home could be due to visual processing issues, when too many things are out of place, they can get overwhelmed because of too much information their brain is getting, it cannot filter it, also if things are in the way because they are laying out, it’s hard for them to move their bodies and navigate around the stuff so it’s like a huge obstacle course for them. That could have been the case with Linda than OCD but I kept thinking the whole time she also had it. The thing about it is she liked her clean house and liked her obsession with keeping it clean and having it look like a palace my mom would call it. “I will not make our house look like a palace,” she would tell me.

I was also obsessed about a clean house. it kept me calm and relaxed, I did not like clutter, it felt too chaotic and drove me crazy and I hated messes. My own environment needed to be clean and neat. As far as back to age two, I needed to take a certain step in each room, have my food served in a certain way, one of my cousins even told me that when I was about three, she and her parents and her little sister were visiting us and I had this one bow collection thing and I had to have it a certain way and would get upset if anyone messed it up. That was typical me. Even my mom told me when I was 16 that I had been saying since I was five years old that I always pick up when I am done with it. Yes I always put my toys away when done playing with it and it would always baffle me how kids could just scatter their toys all over and lose pieces to it. I liked these things and they didn’t stress me out unless someone fucked it up. Moving furniture in someone’s doll house would be an annoyance to most children, for me it was a nightmare and more than an annoyance it would really upset me if i saw someone moved even one piece in my dollhouse. I just had to fix it to move on. I didn’t have any meltdowns I would just fix it so I could get over it. I don’t think anyone realized how upsetting this all was for me. My mom learned to keep my brothers out of my room and from touching my stuff or she would be getting screamed at by me for hours and hours because coming home from school and finding someone was in my room because a few things were out of place was like coming home to your house being broken into and stuff being taken. Sure I have always liked to clean and didn’t like my stuff touched but it came to a point where it turned into OCD because I started to impose my routines on other people in my household, they now had to follow my standards of a clean house or else there would be hell. It would be hell for me if there were crumbs on the counter, stuff in the wrong spot and I couldn’t relax and do anything else unless the house was clean. I would want to do other things but couldn’t because of the damn mess so yeah I would be mad about it because it kept me from my life. I did read that autism can cause someone to have OCD and that OCD can be caused neurologically. So it is very possible that my need for a clean home was both Asperger’s and OCD because I liked it and it kept me relaxed and I loved it and cleaning relaxed me but the OCD part was the distress if no one else followed it. In 2001 my parents decided they weren’t going to live that way because they felt they were walking on eggshells all because it was to avoid my anxiety and the chaos but my brothers were not happy, it was driving them crazy so my parents decided I will have anxiety and they quit giving a damn. As a consequence to that, I made their lives hell, not intentionally. The more they did it, the worse my anxiety got and the more they got mad at me about it, the more I acted out and then my dad brought home a puppy that would pee in the house and oh boy that was the straw that broke the camel’s back so I had tremendous anxiety and I went literally crazy to a point I was heading for psychopathy and I got abusive and violent because I thought it would make my life easier because Frankie always got his way with his abuse so I tried his method but it backfired. But thank goodness mother nature kill the dog before I could because I kept on thinking of drowning that thing in our pond and I felt I was getting closer and closer to that compulsion. I hated the anxiety, the daily meltdowns all because of that damn dog. Also the fact no one would keep him outside or crated because they felt it was cruel but yet it would have lessened my anxiety and my dad should not have gotten that dog in the first place because I was already having more anxiety, we had just moved into our new house so having a puppy was not the right time. No one was willing to watch him to house train him and he thought he was supposed to be indoors because he came from a pet shop and he was five months when my dad bought him. It’s easier to train a puppy when they are young and it gets harder when they are older and to house train a dog, you need to keep them crated or be very active with them. Having them in the same room as you while doing your thing is not being active with them. But no one was willing do do that and i can say I was also at fault because I could have given up my computer and video games and train that damn animal myself and that would have lessened my anxiety because I still would have been in control.  Then when that puppy died, my anxiety did lessen because there was no more pee in the house and I didn’t have to freak out anymore and live in constant fear.

Then when I became an adult and finished high school, I started to get less obsessed about a clean house, who knows what happened. Maybe because I was an adult so I had more control of my life so I didn’t need to control my environment and the fact my parents decided to pay me for my cleaning obsession so all of a sudden dirt in the house meant more money because shoes on the floor, I get to earn more money by cleaning it again. I was still in control and my family got to do what they wanted and everyone was happy.

But one thing I will never understand is how hard is it to just wipe up the crumbs when you are done making something or how hard is it to just put your book away when you are done reading it? My mom calls this hard and I think “oh FFS.” My Aunt Mary also liked having a clean house, it was not hard for me to hang my towel up or even put a plate in the sink or dishwasher or even wiping the crumbs off the counter, I kept my own mess in my own room when I lived with them. Recently I watched the Dr. Phil show and in one of the episodes was a 20 year old girl and a mother and according to the daughter, her mom was a neat freak and kept everything spotless. The house looked like the parade of homes. But the daughter refused to pick up after herself and everything and I was thinking the whole time how hard is it do pick up after yourself, come on. Then of course my mom was able to explain to me why it’s hard and used a few examples like you are playing with trains and then you both get up to leave the room to get something else but your OCD mother would want it picked up first before you go get that thing or you may be reading a book and then you set it down to go to the bathroom and you come back, the book is back on the shelf and you have lost your place in the book because you didn’t take it with you. My mom also told me she will have her cup of coffee and then someone comes to the door, she sets her coffee down and comes back and sees it’s gone. I asked her if I did those things and she said I did. She told me she would make herself a hot cup of coffee and then set it down to go to the bathroom or to go to the door and come back and see I have poured it out and put the cup in the dishwasher because I would have just taken the cup with me but because she didn’t, it was abandoned and left in the wrong spot. I of course laughed because I can laugh at my own glitches I used to do and how it must have been so hard for my family and a inconvenience. So yes I can see why this would be hard to keep things picked up so you better not bother playing with anything because what is the point if you will have to put it away when you leave it or when you can’t even take a break and come back to it later and you better just bring your book with you or your hot cup of coffee or your plate of food. Just imagine going to someone’s door and the person answering is holding a plate of food in her hand and she sets it down next to her as she writes and then carries it again and you are left wondering why couldn’t she just leave her food in the kitchen or on the table so you tell her that and she goes “if I do that, my OCD daughter will just dump it in the trash thinking it’s abandoned.” I don’t know if I was ever this extreme except about the hot coffee thing.

So some people were right that I do expect people to follow my standards and expect people to be like me.