Archive for the ‘child abuse’ Tag

People saying their abusers faked a condition trend

Wednesday, November 16th, 2016

I often notice a trend by people who were in abusive relationships about their partners faking an illness. I did ask a couple weeks ago about how do we know if they actually had a disorder or are we just assuming they were faking it because they were abusive and it didn’t turn out well. I did write here about No longer identifying my ex as an aspie because it’s taboo to be in a relationship with someone who had it and they were abusive. Mine was controlling and emotionally abusive. She has never hit me or broken anything and she has never threatened me or called me any names like stupid or bitch or telling me how worthless I am or telling me no one will ever want me. But abuse is also a spectrum so not everyone always knows they are being abused but y mom knew but didn’t say anything until long after we were split up. But at first she said while we were living apart that she was worried I was being abused and I said I was not and reassured her I wasn’t. This was before I knew about emotional abuse and knew about different forms of it and when I found out after reading an article about it in the Seventeen mag around December 2008 or January 2009 and she ticked a few boxes for it, I was in denial for a while because I was still making excuses for my ex which is pretty typical in lot of victims. But the main reason was I was worried I would be playing the victim if I admitted it and came out with it. But my mother has reminded me that anyone can be abusive, even people with Alzheimer’s can be abusive. We actually adopted a dog from an animal shelter when I was 14 and she was an abused animal and it turned out her abuser was an old woman who was senile and she would forget to feed her dog so the dog would dig in the trash and she would beat her with a newspaper. It was obvious she did more to her than beating her with a paper because our dog was scared of lot of things like our tone, rags, and it was very difficult having her for months and then she got over her truama and was no longer afraid and didn’t easily pee anymore and was no longer disobedient. We just had to earn her trust. My grandmother has acted abusive verbally so I was afraid of her as an adult because of stories my mom was telling about her. When her Alzheimer’s got worse, she had more wild mood swings and emotions and would mistreat her caregivers. My mom thinks she was Bipolar. Plus before her Alzheimer’s got worse, she just hid it more or unless my mom hid it from us kids but she has told me stories like when we were children, she referred her sister in law as the bitch and would tell her sons she wanted that bitch out of her house. She had issues with jealousy and would get jealous and she never treated her daughter in laws well. My mom kept this from me and my brothers because she wanted us to have a good relationship with her and not be afraid of her or have our opinions about her be influenced by her stories. Mom made sure to never tell anything bad about our grandmother in front of us. But I did get afraid of her when she started to tell them in front of me and tell them to me as if she thought I could handle that part about her but I didn’t because I became afraid of my own grandmother. I didn’t want to be her victim so I was afraid and didn’t want to be around her anymore because I was worried she would go off on me and I never take it well when people mistreat me. Then it doesn’t help when people give me excuses about them and expect me to be understanding and just accept the abuse because “Oh she is just old and probably doesn’t remember she did it.” I was actually told that when I was 15 and my grandfather sided with her than with me and I was the child and she was the adult. But my aunt and my dad told me she is old so old people do those things and she probably doesn’t even remember it. But when her Alzheimer’s got real bad, her abusive behavior went away due to her short term memory being wiped so I no longer feared her and I was able to see her again and not be afraid. But I was not able to have any conversations with her.

When someone has a mental illness or a disorder (excluding personality disorders) you are expected to be understanding and have compassion or else you are seen as being ignorant when you have been hurt by them and talk about what they have done to you and how they have treated you that was abusive or hurtful.

I can’t count how many times I have seen people on the autism spectrum say how ignorant and narcissist NTs are for being hurt and abused by their “AS” partner and being called un understanding and being called bigots and I can’t count how many times I have seen them also say how discriminating someone is for writing about being abused and neglected by their “AS” parent and I think it’s too much to ask for a child to be understanding. These are children, you can’t expect them to accommodate their parents and have them turn out fine when they are adults. I have noticed it seems to be politically incorrect to be abused by an autistic person so you are better off not identifying them as such or else you won’t get sympathy so it’s no surprising to see people say how their abusers faked an illness or a disorder to get away with their abuse. If people just pretend their partners were normal or just say they had a personality disorder or not mention any disorder at all, they will get sympathy and not be re triggered if anyone stands up for their abuser because of a disorder they had.

Now I am asking how do we know they faked it. I understand how it’s so taboo to be abused by someone with a mental illness or a disability because people then dismiss your feelings and treat you as the bad guy and that doesn’t help you at all. It’s invalidating and it’s like your feelings don’t matter.

There was a thread again on narcissisticabuse subreddit on Reddit about someone faking an illness. The thread was titled “NEX faking amnesia” and another person wrote in their reply theirs faked something to get a medical Marijuana card and another person wrote theirs faked suicide attempts and I wrote I am sure mine faked theirs. Then the OP told me her nex faked a head injury to make her feel sorry for him and use it as an excuse to be a horrible person.

Why is it that when someone has a disorder, the victims are expected to be understanding and non affected by their abuse? Even people won’t label that person as an abuser if they have a disorder but ironically on Wrongplanet I have seen members there tell NT users that their “AS” partner is just abusive and that isn’t autism. So at least not all of them stick up for an “aspie.” Even in a aspie Facebook group, back when I still identified Jerry as an aspie, someone posted a question asking if anyone has ever been in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like so I answered and the response I got from someone was I had described an asshole and anyone can be one and it had nothing to do with AS. I was embarrassed and I felt bad and I wasn’t trying to bad talk AS and trying to say it was all aspie behavior. I was just answering a question about being in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like but that was just an example about how taboo it is to be in a toxic relationship with someone with it. It offends people. So when I stopped identifying her as one, I now don’t have to say what being with an aspie was like in a relationship. I now don’t have to say I dated an aspie one time and it was horrible. I don’t have to pretend by staying silent about it. Just as long as she didn’t have it, I am not pretending. I am not being silent. I don’t have to hide. I wouldn’t answer a question to someone if they asked if anyone has ever dated anyone with cerebral palsy because Jerry didn’t have it so I am not being silent about that because she didn’t have it so not answering a question about dating an aspie is the same thing. I solved my own problem. But looking on the bright side, at least I didn’t get accused of being ignorant or a bigot or a hateful person or non understanding. So not all autistic people think someone is non understanding for being in a bad relationship with an aspie.

I had AS and aspie in quotes in this post because usually they are not even diagnosed, just their partner putting that armchair label on them to explain their abusive or asshole or cold behavior.

I have seen a post on Reddit by an abused victim about their parent faking dementia but admitted it’s so hard to tell if it’s real or an act. The mother was in her early 60’s. So this is a trend I have been noticing about victims saying their abuser is faking a condition. So I tried asking on Reddit how can we tell if their condition is real or fake and if are we just saying they are faking it. How do I know Jerry wasn’t faking any of hers? My mom thought she was faking her PTSD and telling me she knew nothing about AS and doesn’t know what it is. I remember her telling me that back in 2007. But yet she didn’t think Jayden was faking anything when we were together and told me he might be a schizophrenic or might be mentally ill and I didn’t believe her then because it was just her opinion and she wasn’t a psychiatrist. But it turns out she was right and she told me “I told you he was ill” when I showed her the online court document about his parents divorce and it mentioned him being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and his mother helps him with daily assistance. But she still thinks he was an asshole and reminded me anyone can be an asshole. So at least my mom doesn’t undiagnose everyone if they are abusive because she didn’t say our former dog’s owner was faking being senile and reminded me anyone can be abusive. She also didn’t say Jayden was faking having ADHD because she told me he had more going on than ADHD.


It doesn’t have to be intentional for it to be abuse

Sunday, November 13th, 2016

This is controversial because many people will disagree that abuse can be unintentional. I have talked about before in this blog how I can see myself doing financial abuse due to my money anxiety so that was why my husband took over the finances. I was driving him crazy with my anxiety about money he felt he couldn’t live a life because I would freak out if I found out he had spent a dollar and I was already talking about taking away his cards so I wouldn’t have to worry about him spending any money and having anxiety. This wasn’t about control, it was about my comfort zone and to relieve my anxiety to make my life calmer and to feel in control of my life again because of the unknown and my husband wasn’t supporting that. This is an example of unintentional abuse and how a mental illness or a disorder can attribute to abuse.

What about a parent who isn’t aware their kid has a disability because they look normal and seem normal. Asperger’s is a hidden disorder and so is ADHD and anxiety and other things that makes the kid act different. So what if the parent was unaware their kid had anxiety so they were always getting mad at them for their fears and over reaction and calling them a baby and forcing them into situations they feel uncomfortable in. At age six I was forced to ride on a big ferris wheel and my mom and dad didn’t care about my fear of it and the reason why I was scared was because I was worried it would give me this feeling in my stomach that some rides give you and I didn’t like that feeling and I had been on a ferris wheel that gave me that feeling so I felt too nervous to ride on one again that went too high up. Lot of people will agree that it is cruel to scare your child but that is what my parents did to me, they scared me and forced me into something I feared and got mad at me for crying and for being scared and didn’t give rats ass. I would call this unintentional abuse. I don’t think they did it to be cruel. Most people are not afraid of ferris wheels so how were they supposed to know my fear was real? They were ignorant then. My dad is still ignorant about my anxiety. I don’t fear ferris wheels anymore. Back then being forced on it was like walking the green mile or walking to the torture device because you know what is going to happen and you don’t know what is going to happen like how much pain you will feel, if it will hurt or not. That was how I felt going on that ride. I didn’t know how bad it would be, how much it will be scary and how bad the feeling in my tummy would be when we go down. I realize I probably did have anxiety as a young child but it wasn’t prominent then so no one knew. Instead I would be told to stop or being called a baby so therefore my feelings would be invalidated and I did feel then as a young child that my mom didn’t care about me. I just assumed then she knew because I didn’t know my feelings were not normal and my mom had assumed my feelings were normal but was over reacting or just whining. Ironically my mom is against people scaring kids and breaking them by making them fear you so they will listen but yet she did the exact same thing  to me when I was a kid. Then the time I didn’t have anxiety about being dumped on the side of the road because I figured I would just hitchhike home, my mom was mad because I didn’t have beg her to not leave me on the side of the road. Yes that is fear right there you are doing to your kids and you say it’s not good to scare your children?

Then there is ADHD. I can’t count how many times I have read online by people who grew up with undiagnosed ADD or ADHD, they always got in trouble for losing things and always got in trouble for not being able to sit still or pay attention or for forgetting things, etc. It was as if they were abused. I would call their abuse unintentional because no one was aware of their ADD then. I can’t imagine how hard their life must have been the the anxiety they must have had growing up and the low self esteem.

But because abuse implies intent, people will say they were not abused or say someone they know isn’t abusive because they know their partner or child doesn’t do it on purpose. Then of course when someone has a mental illness, their victims may still call them abusive and say their actions are intentional.

What about those who suffer from NPD or BPD, they tend to lack self awareness. They may not see themselves as being abusive. I noticed on the forum on Reddit by BPD victims that the borderliners tend to rewrite history so they have “amnesia” about their abuse they did to their child or partner. Jerry seemed to have rewritten hers when she said she did none of that stuff I said she did except for “taking too long” to give me back my Dish Network piece. Also people with BPD don’t realize they are being manipulative and may not see their behavior as manipulative because to their perspective they are just trying to get their needs met like everyone else. But that never matters to the victim. It only matters what the borderliner is doing, not their intention behind it.

Then there are people who have NPD and they also seem to lack awareness of their own behavior so to me it seems like their behavior is unintentional if they are unaware which is why it’s probably a disorder, an illness. Many people disagree that personality disorders are a mental illness and want to keep these separated from mental illnesses. But the truth is mental illness is also a spectrum. It can range from evil to none evil. Maybe people like to separate personality disorders from a mental illness because they don’t want the stigma on mental illness.

In a way I do feel sorry for those who have NPD and BPD because they are their own worst enemies and they didn’t choose to be that way and I can’t imagine having those disorders and hurting people and not even being aware and seeing myself as the victim. I cannot imagine having a disorder only to find out my own emotions are wrong and my feelings are wrong and not knowing when they are valid and not being entitled to them. We often hear that everyone is entitled to their feelings and that people should trust their gut instinct but that doesn’t seem to apply to those who have BPD. That only applies to “normal” people. Most stuff we read out there is aimed at normal people assuming whoever is reading it is “normal.”

I have anxiety but stuff I find online about what to do about yelling at your kids, none of the advice I read is helpful because it’s all about staying calm and stuff but what do you do if your kids are the ones giving you anxiety and you can’t be calm unless your kids stop? There is no parenting articles out there aimed at parents with autism or anxiety about yelling at your kids. And too much yelling is abuse so that would mean I am doing unintentional abuse.

Because abuse often implies intent and also has a bad stigma to it, no one wants to see themselves as an abuser even if their actions are abusive. Even the loved one doesn’t want to see their child or partner as abusive especially if they have trauma or a disorder or came from an abusive background themselves where they grew up around anger and abuse or neglect. I didn’t want to see Jerry as an abuser when I was with her so I always defended her and made excuses for her like she has anxiety, she is worried about what people might think of her, she has PTSD, she has AS so she is just being honest, her ex called her a pedophile so now she ignores me if I am not acting mature enough for her. But all that did was it hurt me and I let that all happen instead of sticking up for myself and now I have myself to blame. So that is why I will never ever let anyone abuse me again and no disorder or mental illness will change that and only their actions and how they treat me matter, not their intentions and I don’t care what their intentions are or if it’s on purpose or not. I need to care about my own mental health and protect myself from any abuse. I also need to stay away from anyone who is abusive. I still get triggers to this day from certain things I read when something reminds me of Jerry. I even had to block someone on a forum when she made a trigger post and what she was writing were similar feelings to what Jerry had so I took a great dislike to her and blocked her because she was triggering. But I wasn’t the only one who had blocked her because she had left that forum and I saw her posting elsewhere online saying she was ignored because people didn’t agree with her views. Her views? Is she shitting me, she was a bigot on ABDLs and then pulling the “I still love you” crap like Barney. Ugh.

Now here is an article that talks about unintentional abuse but it’s about parents doing it:

Understanding Unintentional Abuse



If you have a violent child, no self defense allowed

Sunday, January 10th, 2016

A couple in their 50’s kept their 12 year old locked up in a playhouse with zip ties and fish hooks so she couldn’t kick down the playhouse. Their reason, she had behavior issues and it was to protect her siblings and her from herself due to violent outbursts. I wondered if she was that dangerous that they had to keep her locked up like she is a animal, why didn’t they seek help or did they seek help? Was she in any therapy? Also she was adopted according to DailyMail.  Why is every adopted child seems to be violent? I know of RAD is common in foster and adopted kids.

I was looking through the search engine at the articles about this looking for answers and they all kept saying the same thing and keeping it vague. All it kept saying was behavior issues, to protect her siblings and herself and that the siblings confirmed that their parents did keep her tied up. But they obviously kept her tied up for too long because she resorted to using herself as the toilet so that indicates they kept her out there for hours and she was excluded.

Well there is Dr. Phil, I wonder if they wrote to him for help. If I had to have a kid that was so dangerous that I was afraid of my child and felt I was in danger and my other kid too I would threaten child abuse or maybe murder to CPS so they could take that kid away from me but that would mean they would remove my other kid too so I can see why parents wouldn’t use this tactic to get help. But the thing is every time I hear about child abuse and that they were protecting the other kids or themselves from the child, that indicates the kid is violent and dangerous. This makes me have less sympathy for the kid because I do not like abuse and violence and I believe in self defense. What would you do if a disturbed child broke into your home and tired to attack you? I bet your first instinct is to run and get out of the house and run to call the police but what if it was your own child? What would you do? How would you protect yourself? How would you defend yourself? The first reaction about when a kid is tied up is to protect them and jump on the parents about it because it’s natural to see a kid as innocent and that they can’t do any harm to the parents or to other children. It’s natural to react about the abuse on the child than looking at the possibility the kid was dangerous because of the keywords, violent outbursts and protecting her siblings, and people gloss over this. But I have said before that not everyone should adopt kids because of abuse. It seems more common for adopted kids to be violent. That is why I will never adopt even if I could afford it. I don’t want a Chuckie in my home. I don’t want to be beaten or threatened or chased with knives. There is no law against parental abuse. Kids can legally do these things and it will be blamed on the parent. But if it was in reverse, the kid would not be in trouble for their abuse on their parent because the kid had been a victim of child abuse. But yet kids have gone to jail for murdering their abusers and I wonder what happens if a teen managed to tie up their abuser, would they get sympathy from the judge or would they face charges and go to jail? Though kids can be charged with assault when they are teenagers but lot of parents don’t want to do that because then that will affect their future and them from getting a job. Plus if the kid has mental/psychological issues or severe behavior issues, arresting them isn’t going to stop them from being abusive. But I wonder if they get locked up in juvie hall for assault.

Even Kelli Stapleton had called the police one time on her daughter according to her blog when Issy was about 11 only to have the abuse to be dismissed and trivialized by the officer because the kid was young. I don’t remember if Kelli had any marks on her from the abuse. So that just shows depending on the age of the child, calling the police is useless and I wonder what they do about severely autistic teenagers when they beat their parents and the police are called for domestic violence.

But there is still lot of information missing about these parents like if they tried to seek help for their daughter or did they not ever take her to any counseling and therapists for her behavior. Did they ever try to reach out for support from the state or from social services? And this was in Florida folks.


Another reason to stay in abusive relationships

Saturday, January 2nd, 2016

Men are more likely to get custody of their children. That makes me wonder why Jerry never got his. Was it because of his lifestyle? How he couldn’t afford to take care of himself so he always had to get money from his grandparents to buy food, gas, pay his bills, etc.?

But I think this law was meant to protect men from Parent Alienation but that means kids are not protected from their abusers so the abusers abuse this law and the mothers get in trouble for protecting their children. Darn if you do, darn if you don’t. Also another reason why it’s so hard to leave an abusive marriage when you have kids.

But I didn’t bother finish reading the article because it was too depressing and I already knew the rest would be about. Even moms can’t always protect their children because of this law. The article is from Australia so it might vary by country but I have heard of the same thing happening here int he states where the judge ignores the child’s please to not want to see their father because of the abuse and the mother takes them and fleas and hides. They even made a movie about it in 1990 staring Meg Tilly. I saw it when I was 15 and thought the judge was an idiot and sick for not protecting the child so the mother had to break the law by kidnapping her and she goes to prison because she wouldn’t tell anyone where her daughter is. I learned then that kidnapping isn’t always a bad thing and it can be a good thing. That was a gray area I discovered and it’s not always black and white.

Crazy religious abusive mother

Thursday, December 24th, 2015

The mother in the video flips out and says terrible things when her 17 year old son tells her he is an atheist so she slaps him and says how she wishes she could have aborted him and implies to disown him. Why must people feel threatened when someone doesn’t follow their religion?  Why can’t we all respect each other’s beliefs and I stay out of religion for this very reason. I don’t tell anyone god isn’t real or that I don’t believe in it. I have been called closed minded by a guy just because I had no interest in it or had no interest in going to church and listening to something I don’t believe in. I prefer to live a free life. I don’t want to be told how to live it or what to believe in. I think what the mom did in the video was child abuse.

Stories like this give me the reason why

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2015

parents do parent alienation.


I used to be real judgmental about parents doing parent alienation and thought it should be child abuse. But I have gotten a new perspective, what if the parent was an abuser? What if they were a bad influence on the child? What if they were using their kids against their ex to turn them against them?

I thought would I want someone like Jerry raising my child?  (this was before I realized he was emotionally abusive and a narcissist) I didn’t want my kid to judge ABDLs or hate homosexuality and hate on gays and I wanted my kid to be opened minded, not so judgmental where they judge everything. Good thing I did not have kids with him or else I would be dealing with this dilemma and getting it from my own child. I thought then if I got pregnant with his child, I would be better off moving on and not telling him about it and this gave me a new perspective why women don’t always tell their ex’s they are pregnant with their baby so the man lives on not knowing he has a child. There are guys out there who don’t even know they have a child. Every time I would see it in movies or hear about it online, I would wonder who in the hell doesn’t tell the baby’s father they have a baby? How selfish and not fair to the child. But now my perspective has changed. Now that I realize my ex was a narcissist and that he was emotionally abusive and based on how he treated me, how do I know he wouldn’t treat his kid the same way? Also the fact that everything was his son’s business and the way he thought of me, how do I know he wouldn’t be doing that to out children and saying things to them about me and making me out to be retarded and slow and having them think their mom is slow and retarded and too childish and not capable?

So that is why parent alienation happens and why games are played in court. Jerry was always telling me how his ex was playing games and making up lies about him. Maybe her “lies” were the truth and he was too delusional and the fact he told me how his ex tried to get her daughter to say he raped her so she had to do a lie detector test and him and then he said only he had to take it not her because she was a minor and it traumatized him. He had changed his story a little so it makes me wonder if that ever actually happened and he had me believing I had remembered it wrong when I questioned it about the change in detail. So my ex had to play her games back by trying to prove she was the liar. she tired to say their son wasn’t his son so he had to go get a copy of the birth certificate to prove he was the dad. He had won so he still got some custody of him but she still had full.

I had wanted to reach out to her and ask her about her relationship with Jerry to see if he was the abuser and hear her side and I am not strong enough to talk to her daughters. I saw they didn’t have Jerry on their friends so that might be a good sign. But the son had his “dad” on there who was now his mother because she had transitioned remember. But I saw no sign of my ex’s ex.

I used to say how I would never do this to my ex but now I am not sure. Never say never. It’s always easy to say how we will never do something when we have never experienced a situation.  It’s like how people say they will help someone if they saw someone was in trouble but when they are actually in the situation, it changes.

So if your partner is ever toxic or a bad influence for a kid, do not have kids with them. That will avoid all this madness and drama. Who knows what my ex would have done if I got pregnant from her. I might have found myself in the same position as his ex and doing the same thing she is doing and then my ex would be saying how I am also playing games in court and making up lies to make her look bad but I would have my parents on my side and they would have their lawyer friend working for us and it would continue and continue eating away our money and my parents retirement because Jerry wouldn’t have given up even if it’s obvious the judge would never grant him custody and she would be ignoring the honest lawyers out there who tell her that there is very little chance she will get custody. And what if my family had also hired a doctor to assess him and diagnosed him as NPD or just as a narcissist? That might definitely make her lose big time. Then bam we might find ourselves getting sued by her or her suing the doctor for the DX.

I cannot imagine the stress the ex must have gone through when my ex wasn’t giving up. This was unusual because narcs don’t normally care for their kids and this one loved her child and wanted custody and him in her life and they acted like best friends. But yet she was gossiping with him about me and saying things to him and it was like what kids would tell other kids about me in school. I realized she used her kid to hurt me even if I was not aware of it then. My brother’s ex is also a narc and she loves her kids too but she uses them to hurt my brother. My mother loathes her. I think she also loathes my ex because she didn’t want her around when I wanted to invite her and her son to come eat with us using my first paycheck to pay for all our meals.

It’s a shame how children have to get so caught up in this drama. My brother tried to play it nicely by letting his ex have everything and tried joint custody but she just had to make it hard so i said to my parents that he should just cut her off in life and keep his kids away from her and start telling his oldest son the truth about his mother. Fuck this shit about never bad mouthing the kids parent. If the parent is toxic and abusive and playing games, that rule no longer applies, especially if they are a narcissist and can’t play nice.

After hearing all these horror stories and what my brother has gone through and how bad my ex was, I have changed my mind.


Note: This is to not to be confused with parental alienation by Dr. Richard A who coined the term where the abuser turns their kids against the good parent by manipulating and bullying them and doing damage to the child’s mental health and emotional well being.


Narcissists do bizarre things

Monday, November 2nd, 2015


Lauren Bennett recently posted about a narcissistic mother who appeared on the Dr. Phil show and what the mother did was she was ordered by the judge what she could have when she was going through a divorce with her husband. One of the things she could take was a bed so she took her daughter’s bed. But she already had a bed to sleep in but she took a bed just because the judge ordered she could take a bed. But she had the bed stored up in her attic above the garage. This was very bizarre on the mother’s part because she already had a bed to sleep in and she took her daughter’s bed and stored it in her house. And the sad thing is her mother couldn’t seem to get how it made her daughter feel and she couldn’t even apologize for how she made her feel and she didn’t seem to care. Her daughters wanted to make amends which was their reason for being on the show but their mother just isn’t capable of seeing their perspective and understanding how they feel. Even Dr. Phil told their mother that she was creating a wall for herself meaning her daughters will cut her out of their life if she doesn’t knowledge what she did and understand and apologize. It was all about her and her own feelings and her excuse that the judge ordered her that she can take a bed when she was moving out and saying what stuff she could take was a ridiculous argument. I guess the mother didn’t realize that she didn’t have to take a bed if she already had one. I would think this would be taking something literal because he didn’t say what bed to take, but no mother would take their kid’s bed which was why she was told by Dr. Phil that she is selfish.

This reminds me about my ex, he did some bizarre things and one of the things he did was take down my Dish Network satellite and I also forgot my box of my cleaning supplies with and forgot my laundry soap so he took that with too and packed it in the back of his parents garage behind his other things.

I didn’t know that dish Network would want their remote control, their cable box, and the piece from their satellite back when I cancel their service. So I cancelled it the next day after moving in my aunt and uncles house and my ex was at his apartment moving stuff out and I called him to tell him and he had already taken it down and took it with him. Seemed like a great guy right and he also took my stuff too I forgot and he packed it with his stuff but instead he placed it in the back of the garage. My mom asked me this year why did he pack my stuff behind his stuff and I said he was stupid not street smart. I didn’t know why he did this. To get to my stuff, you would have to move his stuff out to get to it. I figured he did this because we would be moving into a new place soon when he finds a new place to rent but that never happened and it was very difficult to get back the piece. He knew Dish network wanted it back and he knew they would give me a big fine but he said it was all a threat. He didn’t seem to get how much it was affecting me because of my anxiety and I do not take threats well. I take them very serious and I didn’t want to pay a big fine or have a bad credit history, I was scared that I might go to jail for “stealing” and I was having a lot of anxiety and he just didn’t care, he didn’t seem to understand how much it affected me and when i told him, instead of feeling bad and apologizing, he told me he didn’t have to take it with him, it would have just been thrown away and I still would have had that same problem with them. he turned it on me and made it look like it was my fault and he didn’t do anything wrong. But the point was he had it so he should have given it to me and I would have picked it up from his at work to make it convenient for him and I would have picked up my stuff too but I never got that far because he blew up with me on the phone cursing at me and screaming and hanging up. It frightened me and totally upset me so i decided I was done with him. I didn’t tell him how upset that made me and how it made me fear him because I knew he wouldn’t care and would have made it be my fault and say I provoked him. So that was why I never got my paycheck from him and the money he owed me and my cleaning supplies. I let it go because it was not worth the trouble and I can just earn back my $140 from my new job and replace my cleaning supplies and laundry soap. It’s not like I lost my CD’s or movies or video games or any books or my stereo so I didn’t make a big deal about it. Also he never dropped it off at my aunt’s and uncles so basically he stole it from me and took my money. I used to think this was his “Asperger’s” that made him insensitive and not care because i thought he didn’t understand but I realize this was narcissism. People with it do not get someone’s perspective, they have no empathy, they are not able to feel bad for hurting others, it’s always about them and them first, so my ex was not capable of understanding how much trouble he put me through by keeping it from me and it was all about him and his own anxiety. Yes he was having anxiety over me calling him and asking him about it and telling him how important it is to get it back and him not answering his phone made me more and more anxious so I sent my parents and my aunt and uncle after him by calling him on their cell phones and that got him more anxious, boo hoo. So him ignoring me made the phone calls worse for him and he didn’t seem to get that giving me back the thing would end the problem which makes me think this was all a game to him. Then he finally gives it back and re reading my thread again about it made me realize the reason why I got it back was because I had talked about involving the police, getting a lawyer, sending Dish Network after him and wondering if I could sue him and also mentioning my dad wants to come and stop by at his work or at his parents apartment to get it from him and I bet that made him panic so he gave it to me. See, it was all about him. He didn’t do it for me. He might have saw the thread and panicked and then gave it back to me unless it was a coincidence. I thought it was a coincidence then. But the thing he did about giving it back to me was I had to be sure I was there when he stopped by so that meant no being on the toilet or nothing so I was dressed and ready and he called me and said he was on his way and around the block so I waited for him at the front door and he was all cheerful and acted like nothing ever happened. Even if I couldn’t come to the front door at the moment, he could still just leave it at the front door but instead i had to race for it like it was a game and I didn’t know how much time I would have to get to the door which was why I waited at the door. Then right away I called Dish Network and told them I finally got it back from my boyfriend and they emailed the shipping label and I printed it off and my aunt got me a box from the basement and packed it for me and wrapped the box and I put the shipping label on and dropped it off at the UPS. That ended my nightmare and the anxiety about it. It was finally over and behind me and I learned the hard way that whenever you cancel any service, take everything with you because they might want it back. Also when you move out of your partner’s home, make sure none of your stuff is still in their home because it might be the last time you will ever see it again if you leave it behind. Unless your partner is a good person and very honest, then I don’t see why you would have to do this because it would be very unlikely they would withhold your items and not give them back and if they saw you left it behind, they would call you and let you know and not cut you off and they would drop it off at your place or let you come and pick it up from them. When i dumped my first ex, I took all his things and put them in the dining room in a big pile and I also told my ex about it and told him it would be all in the garage if he doesn’t get it or else it goes to charity. I was honest, I let him get it back and he knew where I lived. I even had to drive to Jerry’s work to give him back his son’s GBA SP that somehow got packed with my games because I knew his son would be with him again for spring break and I didn’t want to withhold it to get my stuff back because it wasn’t his, it was his son’s and it wouldn’t be fair to him just because his dad was being an ass. I did that because he wouldn’t answer his phone so I took my time and drove there myself to bring it to him and it was in the middle of the night. He could have done the same for me, tell me he will have my stuff there, come and get it. I would have arranged it from him but he wouldn’t answer his phone so I couldn’t get it back. Who knows what he did with it but I don’t care, at least he got some free stuff that would be used up. But I wonder what would have happened if I drove to his work every night for my stuff and the paycheck, he might have started to not be there whenever I arrived and have his employers tell me he isn’t in or that he quit. But he might have quit that job to avoid me. I also wonder what would have happened if I drove to his parent’s apartment every day and then on my days off asking for my stuff and having them tell their son for me that I want my stuff back he has backed at the back of the garage. But that wouldn’t have been possible because of the long drive and not remembering the route to get there and I didn’t know the address. Plus I was job searching and then working and I didn’t have the money to use my gas to try and get it all back. But I made the decision to let it go after I had that piece back because it wasn’t worth the hassle and trouble. It was just stuff that could easily be replaced and my paycheck who cares and the money he owed me who cares. It wasn’t like he took thousands from me or hundreds. It could have been worse. The worst thing he’s ever done was nearly screwing me over with Dish Network and he did not care despite that he claimed his ex screwed him over with lot of things and now he was going to do it with me? That I will never understand either so that was very bizarre what he did. I had never forgiven him for it because that was the worst thing he’s ever done and him not getting how much stress it had caused me was very hurtful because it was him first and all about him and acting like he did nothing wrong and he was just being nice when he took it with so it was all my fault. Yes I made a mistake of not bringing it with but I didn’t know they would want it back and he could have been nice and bring it to me and I was even nice to help him by writing a letter to his judge that he talked to his ex’s daughter on the phone and he brought it to the judge. Yes he even stopped by to get it from me so yes it was all about him and his own concerns so he was able to stop by to get the letter from me but yet wouldn’t do that with Dish Network. I could have done it back to him by not helping him because he did it to me but I am not that sort of person. Now I wish I hadn’t done that because I realize he was not a good person and he didn’t deserve to have custody so there I was helping him because I had been brainwashed by his stories and thinking he was a good person. By how he treated me, how would I know he wouldn’t treat his son the same way? But that thought had never occurred to me.

Narcissists or not, people will always do bizarre things. I have accepted I won’t always get closure and some people just simply don’t want to talk about things they did because they will get very angry at you from bringing it up and some will think you are still upset about it and holding a grudge and not over it. It would be creepy if I went on Facebook right now and sent my former bullies a message asking about how they treated me then and why did they do it. That might upset them or make it look like I am still upset about it and they could block me or maybe not or it could turn into a civil discussion and followed by apologies or I find out the hard way they hadn’t changed and they are still the same people and they have no remorse or don’t care what they did and they don’t make amends and they could justify it. I had learned the hard way online that bringing up things in the past just pisses some people off when I want closure after I had seen them contradict themselves and then I get all confused so I want to know why or even pointing out to them what they had done to me because they were contradicting themselves and it was bothering me because of their hypocrisy. Even abuse victims want closure and I am sure families of the murdered want closure from the killer and families of the sexually abused want closure so they ask the rapist why. I feel the same way about behaviors and when people contradict themselves or the things they did to me.

Can psychopathy come and go?

Sunday, October 4th, 2015

Every time we hear about school shootings or animal torture, we always hear the word psychopath for those monsters that did it, same as for when parents kill their kids including disabled ones.

I have always felt I had some characteristics because lack of remorse is one of them. that is just something I never grasped, I cannot understand why someone would do something wrong and then feel bad for it. Why would you want to do something bad in the first place?

I remember as a kid I would sometimes do something wrong and not feel bad for it. For example, when I was six or seven I took a pack of gum from the store after Mom had told me I couldn’t have it. I took it off the shelf and opened it and my mother caught me eating it when we got home. She asked me “Were did you get the gum?”

Me: from the store

Mom: Why?

Me: I wanted it.

Mom: But I told you no you couldn’t have it

Me: But I wanted it.

So my mom took it from me and finished putting the groceries away and took me upstairs to my room and made me take some coins out of my piggy bank. She was going to teach me a lesson about if I want stuff from the store and what money is used for. She took me back, told the cashier what I did but she says “Oh that’s okay.” Mom tells her “No she is going to pay for this gum so she will learn her lesson.” So the cashier lets me pay for it and then she hands me back my gum. “Here is your gum dear.” My mom tells her “No, it’s going to be thrown away now, she can’t have it.” The cashier tells her I had paid for it and my mom tells her if she lets me keep that gum, I will think it’s okay to take things from the store. Other customers who were there thought my mother was nuts but an elderly woman said “No that is being a good parent.”

My mom and I left and my mom tossed the gum out and I was mad because I had paid for it not seeming to understand why I couldn’t have it.

So you see, a normal kid would feel bad for taking the gum without paying for it, but me I didn’t care. I was not embarrassed nor even felt bad for breaking the law. I would have just learned if I wanted something, just take it and mom would have to let me have it so that is why she threw it away so I will know there is no point in taking things I want if my mom will just not let me have it. Did I have no remorse because I didn’t understand how it would make others feel around me or did I have that psychopath trait? Even as a kid I had a hard time with feelings and understanding them. I knew of laughing and crying and mad and yelling but I didn’t really understand why they felt that way. Feelings are abstract and I was very concrete. According to my mother I was loving and would pick up on her feelings as a toddler because I would act different around her. She called it a gift. I must have lost it then.

I also teased others kids and didn’t know when to stop and I loved to provoke people to see their reactions and do things to see how people would react and I didn’t seem to care how I made others feel. Did I not understand their feelings and their reactions or was that the psychopathic tenancy?

But as I got older I wanted to be a good person and not evil so I changed my behavior. I compensated. I still don’t feel a lot of emotion so I feel I still lack empathy. I can watch the news and not get really upset like most people do but yet whenever I read stuff by Sarah Burleton, I just want to punch her mother and I feel hate for her because of what she did. I cannot imagine torturing my own child or shooting at an innocent goat. Instead of rehoming the animal, Nancy had decided to shoot it with a BB gun to hurt Sarah because it was her animal. The goat would destroy things on property and eat the flowers and Nancy hated it.

I always got violent thoughts but was never strong enough to execute them to seriously harm other kids including my bullies. I realized at 14 I was too nice to do that but that means I don’t have enough psychopathy in me to do it which is why i believe when people do school shootings, they must have been a psychopath because they had enough in them to execute such an action.

When I was 16 I was having a lot of anxiety and more meltdowns because my family would not keep the house neat so it was stressing me out. Then my dad brought home Squeaky. That caused me tremendous anxiety and it literally made me go crazy. Crazy to a point that I changed as a person. I started to mimic Frankie to get my way so my life would be easier. I also wanted to kill Squeaky and was getting compulsions to drown him in our pond. I believe I would have done it because the only thing that held me back from doing it was fearing i would go to a mental hospital and I wanted to torture him too but was also afraid of getting institutionalized. My mom had already threatened to send me away once so I was forced to stop trying to have ODD. I was having nightmares about the dog and nightmares that my mother had stopped caring about me so she was letting kids be mean to me. I believe I was getting close to killing the animal but then something happened, he got hit by a car and died. That saved me from turning into a psychopath. Thinking of the fact that that dog would have made me go crazy makes me think of this song here:

What could a puppy possibly do that would drive someone to kill the poor thing? Well when there is the OCD, the anxiety, the depression, emotional issues, and the fact the dog wouldn’t quit pissing in the house because no one would watch him and the fact no one would let the person keep them crated or keep the puppy outside would do it because the person had reached their breaking point and couldn’t handle it anymore so they killed whatever was giving them the stress.

What would have happened if i really did kill the animal, I would have been a psychopath and then be recovered from it because I would no longer have all that anxiety and stress and my OCD wouldn’t be so out of control because whatever was causing it had been removed from my environment.

So what would that mean for someone who is at risk like I am. Well first of all they shouldn’t have a pet that can’t meet their standards due to their mental issues. My dad should not have brought home that animal but we had another dog but she met my standards because she always peed outside and she didn’t wreck things. But even if someone would be at risk to kill an animal, it is very unlikely it will happen because first of all if they had a pet, they would either keep the pet locked up or outside and if the pet was still a nuisance, they would re home it than torture it and kill it which is why I say Nancy could have kept the goat fenced in part of their land or get rid of it by rehoming the animal but no she had to shoot it with BBs to punish her daughter. Also they might not live with anyone who has an animal they can’t stand nor would they get in a relationship with someone with it. They would problem solve first before going crazy and for me it would take me a lot before I go crazy and become a psychopath which is why it always scares me to imagine how I would handle a severely autistic child or someone severely handicapped because I worry I would be one of those parents who kills their disabled child. I did try to problem solve with our puppy by keeping him in his crate or outside but no one would let that happen so I got worse and worse and having violent thoughts about our puppy. I used to tell stories in my therapist’s office called The Abusing Adventures of Squeaky and my therapist found them funny and told me his office was a safe place for these stories. Back then i thought he was evil and not a normal animal because he wouldn’t go outside, he would just hold it and wait until he was inside to go so it made me think he was doing it on purpose and he loved going in the house. I can remember my therapist saying to me “Oh you thought he was defiant.” Even as an adult I still didn’t understand how a puppy can be so stubborn and I knew I couldn’t be crazy because he really did wait until he was inside before he took a piss. But no one seemed to believe me because everyone saw him as innocent. Then I started to think if dogs can have fetishes like humans, maybe he had a wetting fetish and loved going inside. It was one of my online friends who laughed and told me he wasn’t doing it on purpose and I asked what did he mean by that and she said he wasn’t doing it to upset me and he didn’t know it was upsetting me. I asked her why did he keep on doing it and she said he was probably just confused, he was a dumb animal. So I did my research and learned that he just probably had it backwards, he came from a pet shop so he always peed inside and thought he could pee inside and puppies when in a new environment, they find all these places in the house they could pee in so crating them is what you do because they will never pee in their bed or area like humans. so I was right about crating our puppy, it is not cruel, that is how you house train them. I wish I knew this at 16 years of age and I wish I was told this solution so i wouldn’t have gone crazy thinking I was trapped and there was nothing I could do. My therapist was correct, there was something I could have done but he wouldn’t tell me when I asked what could I have done? I was so defensive then because anyone who didn’t see it my way was against me. Anyone who treated me like the bad guy was against me so I always put on my defense. But my online friend understood me, she didn’t judge or go against me so I was able to listen and do some research. This is how you get through to people folks, you understand them, see their perspective, not judge them, and it is easier for them to listen because it’s easier to get though to them if you understand their side than treating them like the bad guy. If I knew this at 16, I would have been in control of my environment again and not go crazy and have daily meltdowns and try and mimic Frankie or even doing self harm or even squeezing the puppy or pushing it away with a broom or pounding my fists on his crate with him inside it or pushing it out of the way with my feet or broom whenever he is in it because I hated him and didn’t see him as an animal. It’s like how people don’t see someone as human once they rape a child or do child abuse so they use that to justify for them getting raped or beaten in prison, well I was justifying not seeing him an an animal to do my actions on him to release anger. I also would literally throw him outside because I hated him. We were both at war. But yeah maybe he was an innocent animal like everyone always said. But yet I still don’t feel bad. I must have that psychopathic trait. But that was me going crazy there because of the anxiety and stress and I had been pushed that far by my family so that is why i say my dad should not have gotten a new dog and we should have gotten rid of him. I think it’s wrong to keep a animal in the house with someone who is aggressive with it. That should be a form of animal abuse. But it wasn’t the dog’s fault either. He probably thought I was crazy because he didn’t know that him pissing in the house was making me that way. Plus I think he had it backwards about his toilet like I did when I was 2 and 3. But no way was I pissing in my diapers or on the floor or just in my pants to piss my mother off. What if she had abused me thinking I was doing it on purpose and that I was evil and I was no innocent child so she used that to justify the abuse? It wouldn’t have to be beatings or starvation or anything bad that would harm me or leave me any marks and injuries. I could have been hair pulling or being choked or squeezed or hit because those things would be hard to prove if she wasn’t leaving any marks on me. Yes people would be getting on her case about it and judge her harshly if they all knew than understanding her and seeing her perspective to get through to her. Instead I was put back in diapers because my mother figured I wasn’t ready. Problem was solved even though some people online have felt she did me a disservice when I told them that story about how she tried to potty train me and I had it all backwards so she put me back in them. But too bad puppies don’t wear diapers.  But I have heard horror stories online about potty training and some parents snap and abuse them. I couldn’t understand it until I was potty training my son and after but no way am I going to justify their abuse and I didn’t go abusing my son for wetting or messing his pants because he wouldn’t use the potty. But yes I did cry and I did get frustrated to a point where I just wanted to hit him and slap him silly and my dad thought he should be spanked when all I could do is put him in time out, take away a privilege for him, have him get a natural consequence; he wouldn’t be able to wear his big boy underwear if he got them all soiled and I am not going to be washing them until there is laundry. This was after he knew how to use the potty. I never punished him during potty training. He would go forwards and then regress again and that stopped when I had my daughter and poof he never regressed again so I knew he knew how to use the potty and he was just choosing to not go. I knew that all along because he would be good at going potty and then regress. Even with our washer down, he went potty in the toilet and didn’t wet or mess himself until the washing machine was working again so there is another hint that he was doing it on purpose. But I doubt he was doing it to torment me and I have heard of little kids wetting and messing themselves on purpose because they don’t want to stop playing to go potty. I can handle human pee because it’s different than animal pee so it doesn’t make my OCD go bad. It’s easier to clean up and to get rid of.

So can one turn into a psychopath due to the environment and their own mental issues and then not be a psychopath anymore once they are out of whatever caused them to be that way?

If I were seeing a therapist, I would be asking him/her this question,

BTW when the puppy did die, my daily meltdowns went away and my anxiety lessened. My mom also felt relieved when he died because he caused so much chaos on the household even though he didn’t do it on purpose.

I have also tried talking to people including my old therapists about my concern for psychopathy but all of them have told me I am not one if I am even thinking about it and also because I don’t kill and torture people. I am not Diane Downs or Ted Bundy. But is it possible to be one and not act on it? Diane Downs sure shot her kids once but had never killed anyone else or do anything evil before and no doctor ever thought she had cluster B disorders until after she did the crime. She has not done any others since but that is because she is in prison and what if she had gotten away with it, would she have done another evil thing? Would she have tried to kill her kids again? Not all psychopaths do crimes over and over like Bundy did or Dalmar or Gacy. I fact only very few commit crimes. But do I have any psychopath traits? Symptoms do overlap. What if I actually had psychopath traits and they were mistaken for Asperger’s when I was a kid because psychopathy cannot be diagnosed in kids until they are 18. But I have never tortured any animals or anyone so of course it would never be caught. But then again even autistic and aspie children have caused injuries and I have read bad stories online about autistic children being mean to animals. I was rough with them too as a kid because I didn’t really understand. My therapist I saw when I was 11 and 12 had to teach me. But I didn’t really torture them like psychopaths did when they were children. I would never dream of killing an animal as a child or wanting to harm them. I did try to get my cat to fight with our neighbor’s dog once but I wasn’t trying to harm my cat and I didn’t know a dog could kill a cat during a fight. Also I used to think my lack of feelings for others was due to my autism but then I started reading around 2009 that they do have empathy and they in fact feel too much so they get overwhelmed from it so it appears they do not care. I cannot relate to that, I feel too little in fact. I can see someone cry and not be affected by it. I will just know they are sad or upset. But then again I remember reading a story by John Robison in one of his books about how he saw an accident and the person was hurt so he was able to help the person without feeling anything, most people would panic and be upset what they saw and not be able to do a thing about it because their emotions would have gotten in the way. It didn’t mean he was a psychopath of course. I do hear how logical us aspie creatures are but yet that contradicts about having too much empathy so wouldn’t that mean they get in the way if they cause us to shut down? That just shows how different we all are. Maybe I don’t have psychopath traits. Like I say symptoms over lap. I was impulsive when I was a kid too and that is also a symptom of psychopathy. My parents even though I would be one of those school shooters so they made sure my grandfather’s gun was locked up at his house and that they didn’t have any fire arm around. She said I was so impulsive I would have done it without even thinking of the aftermath. Yes I even almost burnt down our barn once when I was 16 because I came home from school very upset so to calm myself, I drag the trash to the rotted wood pile, light it on fire and it burns and then the grass catches on fire and it got close to the barn but the fire didn’t get that far to catch it on fire. My parents came home and saw it and my mom told me how it’s part of my IEP whatever she was talking about and told me I get so impulsive so it’s part of my IEP and I said I don’t get impulsive and she told me to look out the window so i did and she pointed to the grass that was burned and told me “That is how impulsive you were, you almost burned down the barn because you didn’t even think before setting the garbage on fire because you were very upset and that is what happens when you are very upset you get very impulsive.” I have no memory of feeling bad for almost burning down our barn. But the barn didn’t burn down so no need to feel bad about it.

There are also other conditions out there that overlap with psychopathy like narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, oppositonal defiant disorder, conduct disorder, and reactive attachment disorder. I do feel that RAD is basically psychopathy in kids except they are created. I can remember my therapist mentioning conduct disorder to me but he didn’t say I had it so I must be cured from it then because I am not in that environment anymore where I was going crazy and heading for psychopathy or conduct disorder. Makes me wonder if it can come and go. There would be two different types, those who are psychopaths no matter what and the other type would be they are one when it depends on the environment they are in like are they stressed out and having anxiety, and have they reached their breaking point? Then once whatever was causing it is resolved, they no longer have it. That could be the case with school shooters too. they reach their breaking point and go crazy and do a killing spree. The Night Santa Went Crazy.

Forgiving your abusers

Tuesday, September 8th, 2015

I came across this blog post and I can’t comment on it unfortunately because he must have them set off for when a post is past a certain date after it’s been posted.

I think it was brave of him to forgive and that he has a good heart and it looked like he was justifying it when he wrote why she did it. I think victims do this for closure and to forgive to move on. Sarah Burleton wrote a book called Why Her? and she wrote it from her mom’s perspective who also abused her. In the book she made her mom out to be the victim and her own step father but I still didn’t feel sorry for the mother, why? Because she chose to sleep around with guys, she could have put her baby up for an adoption she was “forced” to have, she could have just let her sisters keep her, there were other options and I do not believe anyone should be forced to have a baby because that will just be a disservice to the child. The kid could be resented, abused, not given enough love or support and a kid needs more than food and water and shelter and a bed to sleep in and clothes to wear. This is also why I believe in abortions. But Nancy never took responsibility for her mistake so she always blamed her daughter for it as if it was her own fault that her mother decided to sleep around and conceive and be born. And plenty of moms have gone to college after having kids, they just wait until their kids are in school full day before doing it. Nancy could have done that or not blame her daughter at all for it and say she ruined her life. Nancy ruined her own life.

But I also thought it was brave of Sarah for what she did about her abuser, looking from her perspective, and I don’t know how accurate the whole book was but it was interesting to see what goes on in the abuser’s mind when they do abuse. But I don’t think Sarah was also trying to justify what her own mother did just like how Zach wasn’t also trying to justify his ex’s abuse. He had the comments off so I couldn’t comment. I would have wrote:

“I think it’s brave for what you wrote and seeing from her perspective, How many abused victims do this? It also looked like you were justifying it. I still have yet to try and forgive my ex for his abuse but then I think if I did that, then it means I can’t blog about it anymore or even talk about it like other abuse victims do when they talk about their abusers because talking about it still makes most people think you haven’t moved on. But my purpose of it is to share my thoughts with others and for other victims to read to help themselves and even reading blogs and post by others about it also helps me. But like you I also looked at why he did things and it also didn’t mean I was trying to justify it. It was looking at from his perspective and where he was coming from but it still didn’t excuse what he did.”