Archive for July, 2017

My thin privileges

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

I keep hearing about thin privileges in the fat community. I realize I take lot of things for granted because I don’t have to go through what fat people go through or even worry about stuff they need to worry about. I have realized what my thin privileges were and they are:

I don’t need to lose 60 lbs or I would be malnourished and in the hospital

When I worked out at the gym and was using the weight machine, the seat was so wide I could set my phone and water bottle right next to me on the chair

I can have my kids sit right next to me on the chair in our house because I am thin enough to fit one of them there

I don’t need to lose weight so quickly when I work out and my weight is dropping because I am not overweight or obese so I can still eat back my calories

I will find my size in clothes in most clothing stores

When I was pregnant, most of my shorts still fit me and my pants so I didn’t need maternity clothes, I only had maternity pants but most of them were big on me and I needed a size small so i went for the smallest size or else the bigger sizes would keep falling down on me and I hate loose pants around my bottom and in my crotch area. I don’t like the feeling of pants falling down and hanging. I do like to wear clothes that are bigger sizes so they feel right on me

I can eat unhealthy in front of people or go to a McDonalds and eat a large meal and not get judged or even worry about it (I don’t order large meals)

I can wear cute clothes

 

 

But then are downsides to being thin:

“Are you on a diet?” when you refuse cake or sweets or ask for a small piece

“You’re not fat” for the same reason above

People assuming you have an eating disorder just because you are eating healthy or not snacking all day or because you refuse sweets or ask for a small piece or because you are having smaller portions

You are working out and people assume you must be anorexic and you are obsessed with exercising

People assuming you don’t eat

People making comments on how much you eat because it’s not a big enough portion to them or because you have ordered a size small. Maybe you just have a small stomach and get full so you don’t want to waste food and money. I am not going to order a large Dairy Queen blizzard because it has all that sugar and 800 calories for a size large? Plus it will be too much ice cream for me and I don’t need all that sugar so I get a small.

Yes my parents make these sort of comments to me and they did today. Comments on my body and saying I am getting too thin and starting to look anorexic and saying I need to eat more food and I told them I eat three meals a day. Plus my weight has not gone down that much. Even my husband is worried about me and thinks I have burned body fat but gained muscle so that is why it seems like I have not lost that much weight.

 

 

 

 

 

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I thought I made a friend

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

Yesterday morning, I met a guy on the sidewalk who lives down the road from me. He wanted to do running with me and he was very friendly and told me about himself like he goes to school and works with computers and told me about it. He also told me how he does track at school but he never feels motivated to work out and was impressed how I can do it everyday and I told him I go to the gym three times a week too and. Then he asked me if it would be okay if he joins me every morning for a run because he does track and he needs to run more often. He also introduced himself and he asked for my phone number so I can call him when I run again. So we exchanged phone numbers and he had me text him so he can be sure he had my number and he called it and it worked.

Evening comes and I call him and I was hesitant to do it because it was eight but I had promised him I would call him when I go run again so I called it and he didn’t answer so I figured he was busy. I bring the phone with me for in case he calls and he did. He didn’t know who I was and he acted like he had forgotten until I told him who I was and we talked that morning and then he remembered me and he said he had to eat so I told him I will call him in the morning and said bye. It was a very quick chat and I liked it because there was no small talk and it was very quick. The reason way I hate talking on phones is because of small talk. People take too long to get off the phone. I already felt I could relate to this guy because maybe we will have things in common. I was also fantasizing once we know each other more, I could start inviting him over and play video games together.

Morning comes and I get up late so I started out late. I still called him and he didn’t answer again so I figured well it’s Sunday so maybe he is at church.

Then I started to think wouldn’t he have told me he wouldn’t be available the next day because he has church? But wait if he wasn’t interested in running with me, why would he ask for my number? Then I started thinking what if he was hitting on me and this was just a speed date he was doing when he ran with me to my house? How can we tell if someone is hitting on us and if they want more than a friendship? Should I assume every man that talks to me is hitting on me? What if it was another woman, would that mean she is a lesbian or bisexual? Or maybe he was looking for a friendship but decided we didn’t have anything in common after that short talk when he asked me questions. But why would he ask for my phone number then and say he wants to run with me?

With autism or OCD we all tend to be analytical. I get analytical when things don’t make sense so I start to overthink things to figure it out. He could have been hitting on me and I didn’t pick up on it. He could have just asked for my phone number and then reject me. Maybe he really was busy on Saturday night and he was at church on Sunday. But it’s too soon to tell if he was hitting on me and just being polite when he got my phone number or if he is just busy. I will try all week calling him and if he never answers, I will move on assuming he was just hitting on me and I didn’t pick up on it. Sometimes we have to make assumptions or we would all be harassing each other. He didn’t call me back this time but it’s Sunday so he could be at church. If he doesn’t ever call back, it’s because it was too late to call me because I already ran. But I won’t know for all week to know for sure. My rule of thumb is if I can never get a ¬†hold of someone and they never call me, move on.

“I tried anorexia”

Saturday, July 15th, 2017

This is what Megan Trainor said and it got a bunch of people upset especially for those with anorexia and former ones. I just thought it was ignorant. She obviously thinks it’s a life style and a diet choice. She seriously thinks people decide to have anorexia to lose weight but from my personal experience it doesn’t work like that. It happens gradually and then it springs out of control it becomes like an addiction or an obsession and you can’t stop and before you know it, you learn you have an eating disorder or find bones visible on your back or you see your rib cage or you are finding yourself constipated or always tired or feeling like passing out but you are still fat but everyone is telling you you are so skinny and your doctor is telling you you are underweight but you still see these big legs and your big thighs and your big butt and you want to be smaller and everyone is glossing over those things about you. No one decided one day “I don’ like my body so I am going to change it, oh I will have anorexia to get skinny and then my body will be all perfect.” I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 21 even though I wasn’t a skeleton and I wasn’t skinny like those anorexics we often see in photos but yet I was still deemed underweight by my doctor. I never had a tube down my throat nor have I ever done diet pills or excessive workouts or eat ice cubes or line food up or food cans or roll food on my plate, or do any crazy tricks they do. I don’t consider myself an anorexic and never had. That was just a label that was put on me by a doctor and I don’t consider myself underweight because I look like none of the bodies in the underweight photos. My BMI is normal too.

I found a thread about it on Reddit and it sprung into sarcasm with people saying they will try Bipolar or how they tried OCD when their house was a mess and some were saying they tried anorexia for four years and it got them weak and hospitalized and I figured they were serious there but not about trying the anorexia part. I am sure some comments in that thread were serious because people there were admitting about their ignorance of disorders by saying how they tried a disorder. I tried ODD when I was 16. I was ignorant and I was a kid then and still in high school so I had no understanding of disorders then so I just thought they were labels doctors made to give people for their differences and I was given labels for me being different. But I thought ODD was a thing kids did to get their way and get control and be happy because I saw how much control Frankie had over his mom and how she always gave into him so I tried it. I tried to hit my family and tried to break things and be strong about it to get my way so my life would be easier and there would be no more anxiety and I would feel safer in my own home. But instead that got me a threat of being sent out of the home to a mental hospital if I hit again. So I stopped trying ODD. but because that thread was achieved because it was older than six months, I couldn’t comment.

Here is the thread:

Weird man

Friday, July 7th, 2017

Today I went for my walk again to burn off a bag of trail mix I had since I am on a diet and trying to lose weight. This one man honks at me and waves at me and I wave back. I didn’t know him but he waved so I was being polite. Then I thought I saw him pass me again but this time on the right side of the road and then he turned. I kept on walking and then later a car is coming out of the parking lot and it honks at me and flashes its lights and I ignore it figuring that driver is just being an asshole because he couldn’t wait for me to get out of the way. But no it was that same guy again and he pulls over and rolls down his window and starts talking to me. But it was in a different language, it sounded Spanish. I put a confuse look on my face hoping he will know I don’t understand what he is saying but he keeps speaking Spanish so I say “Sorry, I only speak English” and he drives off quickly and I never saw him again. I thought that was very strange. What were his intentions? Was he hitting on me? Was he a predator and trying to kidnap me? Did I offend him because I didn’t speak his language? What did he want? He was an old man in his 40’s or 50’s. Way too old for me and I am married. Or was I being catcalled by this guy? But that was one weird situation I am not even sure if I was harassed or not.

This is supposed to be the worst time of the year for me

Saturday, July 1st, 2017

June 21st was the last day for school and for some reason I was looking forward to it. Parents always hate it when school gets out for the summer and it’s never the exciting time of the year for them like it was when they were children. But me I was pretty happy it was coming and looking forward to it. I was so ready to not have to get up at seven o clock in the morning and having to fill my car 2 or 3 times a month and having to drive everyday and having to leave the house at 2:50 every day to get my son from school. Also summer meant having the whole summer to work on his letters and sounds and having him practice writing and knowing all his numbers and recognizing them.

But I guess this is another weird thing about me. I wonder if my parents hated this time of the year too when I was little. That was always the time when my mom would do work books with us and flash cards and we go on our summer trips but she was also a stay at home mom so it wasn’t inconvenient for her when we weren’t in school. Then by the time she returned to work full time, we were all old enough to look after ourselves and my dad was there and he cooked and took care of us and got us up for school because his business was slow so he wasn’t making any money and he had his own business so he made his own hours. Then when his business did finally pick up which took him about three years, we were all old enough to look after ourselves.

I saw a thread on Reddit posted in the Childfree forum about so many posts on Facebook by parents ranting about summer vacation and all these sad memes about it. Even my sister in law hated this time of the year and she was on Welfare and barely worked and her kids were old enough to stay home and look after their selves and she had her parents around to help. I saw her make a post about it once on Facebook and so did one of my former teachers who was now a parent. I know I am supposed to hate school getting out for the summer but it’s never bothered me so far. I wouldn’t call it a bad thing for it not bothering me and because I was looking forward to it.