Archive for the ‘depression’ Tag

Something new I learned about bullying

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

I was reading a book at Barnes & Noble and it was about anxiety. It talks about anxiety disorders and I was reading the first chapter and he talks about teens and technology. He talks about bullying and he said something very interesting. He said when you are bullied often, you start to think there is something wrong with you, there is something about you that makes kids target you, you don’t see anyone else being bullied like you do, so you start to think something is wrong with you. It brings down your self esteem. He said what makes you a target for bullying is your reaction. REACTION.

Yes the bullying did make me think there was something wrong with me. I took the criticism kids thought of me and I tried to better myself. I started to study what was rude behavior and what exactly is showing off, I started to walk looking at the ground so I would stop bumping into people. I always felt bad for bumping into people because of my clumsiness so I learned to look at the ground when I walk and I will have more time to move my body when I see a kid in the way. I even started to copy “normal” behavior to be normal. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be respected, I didn’t want to be this mean and rude girl and a show off. Kids thought I was weird so I tried to stop being weird. I didn’t accept being different anymore. I tried harder to care about others so I wouldn’t be selfish anymore and spoiled. Also the author wrote to not listen to what kids tell you about yourself and it’s just their opinion. I sure took their opinions seriously so I started to obsess about being normal and trying to be this good person. I couldn’t handle the criticism. But the truth is bullies do not care, you can never impress them. But where do you draw the line for when to listen to someone’s opinion about you and when to not listen? If we never listen to anyone, we will never better ourselves and also when does a comment count as bullying? My mom doesn’t think I was really bullied, she just thinks I was just teased and I was too sensitive and I took kids comments too personally. She says they were just mean kids but she didn’t see any of it as bullying. She says the others were just innocent and I took it too personal, too literal. That seems common in ASD kids to take it all personal so they continue seeing those kids as the same people, I sure did. I didn’t want to be around the kids that made fun of me in the third grade for how I spoke. I didn’t want to be around any kid that thought of me as a show off or selfish or spoiled or rude or crazy or weird. I had true social anxiety around those kids because I felt so self conscious about myself so I had to watch my facial expressions, my behavior, how I sat, my body language. I don’t feel that way anymore because I don’t care what people think and I don’t care about normal. Besides what is normal anyway?

I was also rejected but I didn’t know why I was rejected. My own friends would avoid me and tell me to go away. I had poor social skills.

But I think kids are bullied for many reasons, not because of how you react. Transgender kids get bullied because they do not follow the gender role  Homosexual kids get bullied because they are not following the “norm” and kids are taught that being gay is “wrong” by their religious families or because their parents find it “sick.” Autistic children are bullied because of their poor social skills and because they don’t understand jokes and of course how they react to teasing so it makes them even more of a target. I think one of the things that made me a target for bullying was my reaction to teasing, the way I talked, I was socially naive, I was pretty sensitive. Kids also thought I was stupid or retarded and I did take teasing seriously and I remember getting upset by it too. So when I got upset by it, I think that is what made me more of a target for teasing. Most kids would just ignore it and handle it better and then the kids move onto the other kid. That didn’t happen with me because I made myself the target. Children with autism make themselves the target because of the way they react to teasing so the kids do it more. Kids do like to pick on those who are different. Different can be normal kids or kids with disabilities.

So the author is right that being bullied doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

I think bullying attributes to anxiety. It can lead to PTSD, social anxiety, depression, and of course low self esteem. I think the bullying may have lead to my anxiety and the rejections and causing me to be depressed. By 6th grade I wanted to kill myself and was already talking about it because I couldn’t handle it anymore and I was sick and tired of not being able to be normal. I was so obsessed with the word normal and I didn’t accept myself. I did try to to up my low self esteem by doing work by myself and being proud of it no matter what grade I got. Even my mom getting upset with me about my grade didn’t change it because I did it all by myself without help so I felt normal and smart. C is average so why feel bad about it?

 

Questioning rather I had true depression

Wednesday, March 16th, 2016

In 6th grade I was diagnosed with depression. For years I thought depression was for when you are always unhappy and feeling down in the dumps. This was my experience with it. I was depressed because I was different and I knew I wasn’t normal. I wasn’t treated the same as other kids and I was not accepted or understood. I fought for justice and whatever the school had set up for me wasn’t working. The bullying got worse so I started to have a breakdown and then I was falling apart and I was having anxiety because of what was going on from my peers and by my school not protecting me. I was talking about killing myself and I even had to be pulled out of school for a while. I was nearly hospitalized but instead my dad took me home and I saw my therapist twice a week instead of once a week. There are lots of reasons I can come up with why I was so depressed. I held in my feelings for too long because I was taught they were wrong. I tried to be normal and then I couldn’t handle it anymore because I was expected to be more mature and act my age. I didn’t like having a new body so I felt like a little girl trapped in a body that was changing into a woman’s body and I wasn’t ready for it emotionally and I didn’t like the clothes so I tried to find ones that looked more childish.

But my wonders are if it’s okay to actually medicate people who have depression that is caused by their environment. What if someone was depressed because they were transgender but were forced to live the gender they were born with or what if someone was depressed because they were in a abusive relationship or living in a abusive home, what if someone was depressed because they were being emotionally neglected or because they were being bullied in school? Should all these people and adults be drugged for their depression? Should it even be diagnosed? Is it a misdiagnoses when it happens because their depression was environmental than chemical?

Now I have a history of depression in my medical records and it will show up now so it will follow me. I was medicated for depression because I was put on antidepressants. Was I depressed, yes? But do I think it was true depression? No. No wonder lot of people don’t understand depression. They think it’s being unhappy because of something in your environment. For people with true depression, they will always be depressed no matter what they do with their lives. That illness will always follow them so they do take medicine for it. Should people be medicated for depression when it’s caused by their environment? I was medicated for a reason because I had goals that were too much to ask I might not be able to meet so I had to take happy pills I call it. I think the treatment for it could have been learning to accept that there is no such thing as normal, everyone is different and some people are just more different than others but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them. I just needed to accept I will never be “normal” and stop obsessing about it. “What is normal?” my mom asks. Something might be normal for one family but not normal for the other. Some people have to sniff their food before they eat it. Some people wash their clothes before they wear it when they first buy it. I do not think anymore I was truly depressed in my teens and just because my mom said I have it doesn’t mean I did. I was depressed at one point in my life and then I got over it. There will come points in my life where I will be depressed due to stress or a long time change and then it will go away when things get better. But I have a hard time distinguishing between anxiety and depression. Anxiety can be very crippling when it gets bad. I do think depression is easily thrown around and too easily diagnosed by doctors than looking at what is the cause of it. yes they are depressed but they are not looking at the big picture to figure out why they are depressed or else it’s a misdiagnoses because they are not really fixing the problem.

Adjustment Disorder

Wednesday, February 24th, 2016

I used to this this was another BS condition I had but I am realizing it’s a real thing I may have because I can never handle stress well and my coping skills are poor and it turns me into a different person.

I wrote here why I don’t own a gun. It’s also because I am afraid I will get impulsive if I have my moment again and go in a state of mind where I feel so suicidal due to too much stress and so much anxiety, I might just kill my family and then regret it. A gun is quicker to use and kill with. No one has a chance to defend themselves when you have a gun. So I am being smart and responsible by deciding to not ever have one and if it makes me selfish because I think my safety is more important than others having a gun in my home, so be it. I have no issues with gun control laws either. Some people just don’t have the common sense to not own one because of their state of mind and their own limitations and some just can’t handle owning one. I don’t think I would be able to handle it so I fear touching one and having one in my home. I would rather just not have one.

I have also blogged about our dog about my anxiety and my OCD and if psychopathy can come and go. I also blogged about my OCD about a clean house.

When I was 18, my mom was signing me up for Social Security so she kept me home from school that day for a phone interview and she helped me with the questions. She told them I was seeing a therapist for adjustment disorder. Back then I had no idea what that was so I figured it was another name for a component for Asperger’s. It must mean difficulty with adjusting to change. For a while I just thought it was a BS condition and then I thought it was a fancy label my mom had given me but after a thread I posted online about this:

http://katu.com/news/local/da-mom-planned-sons-death-before-throwing-him-off-the-yaquina-bay-bridge

While I have felt suicidal and felt like I wanted to kill my family and myself, the difference is I didn’t make any plans for it because I didn’t want to do it. The mom planned to kill her son and she was faking her symptoms of her illness because she was doing research about it and reading about Andrea Yates and her illness and looking up insanity defenses. But people in the ASD community  knew she was just selfish and faking it and having excuses and they were right so I posted the thread. I am someone who always gives people the benefit of the doubt until it’s proven they were cold hearted and selfish killers and they had no problems when they did the crime and there has to be proof they are faking their misery and distress and their mental problems and faking their anxiety and their depression and the fact they couldn’t cope anymore so they snapped and now they regret what they did. This is always my biggest fear in life for if I were in that situation. But most people will judge right away and think of the worst while I don’t think of the worst and I always think of stress and want more details to the story before I judge because of my own personal experience and the fact I know my limitations and what stress can do to me so why would I want to judge others for it?

It’s always difficult reading these comments because that could have been me and I know those comments wouldn’t even help me and it would have made things worse for me. All I can do is be happy I am not in that person’s shoes and be glad I am not in that situation but yet it would be very hypocritical of me to go and judge other moms who kill their kids. And there are situations where I am speechless about and don’t know what to think.

Christina Riggs for example suffered severe depression so she wanted to kill herself, she killed her kids because she didn’t want them to live apart (they had different fathers) and she attempted to kill herself but survived. I don’t know what to think of this. Did she try and seek help? Was it selfish? Did she regret what she did? Was she faking it? The only thing I think of this whole thing is capital punishment was a joke because she is suicidal, she wants to die so how is killing her even a punishment? Wouldn’t it be more logical to just lock her up for life and have her live for the rest of her life for what she did and always remember how she killed her babies and regret what she did? Isn’t this more of a punishment than the other? She would have to live with it for the rest of her life. So she basically committed suicide by capital punishment which is what I think she did. She wouldn’t allow her lawyers to bring up her suicidal thoughts and depression in the trial.

And men that have shot their spouses and then themselves, I can’t even. I don’t know what to think of this, was it selfish? Was it cold hearted murder? They had killed themselves so what do I think of them? Would it be more logical to just kill them and then try and cover their tracks to try and make it look like an accident or a suicide or something. Did they regret what they did so much they also had to put a bullet to their head because they didn’t want to live with it for the rest of their lives?

I even wanted to kill our puppy when I was 16 and the only thing that held me back was fearing of being sent away. I am glad I didn’t do that plan. It was a compulsion I had in my mind and an unwanted though and it wasn’t something I wanted and I didn’t like what I was going through. But I think it might have eventually happened because I would have reached my breaking point and just do it when no one is around and it would have been spontaneous because I wouldn’t have woken up one day deciding “Today this will be the day I will kill Squeaky and the my life will be all better again and peaceful.” I am sure I would have regretted it if I did it. Plus when I was alone with him in the house, I either kept him outside or in his crate. I had control of the environment then because I was doing what worked for me even though the rest of my family disagreed and that is when I had problems.

But to put it in a different perspective, maybe I was selfish because I didn’t want to give up my precious time for video games to train the animal myself since no one was willing to do it even though I wasn’t the one who decided to have a new dog. I could have watched him like a hawk to stop him from doing anything wrong. I could have kept the crate with me with the dog in it so my family couldn’t let him out. That is the way you are supposed to house train dogs. I am sure he would have eventually figured out he was supposed to go outside. When a person told me online I was selfish because I thought my own unhappiness was more important that my family and their dog, it really hurt because I felt she was dismissing my feelings and what I was going through and that it was all my fault that I can’t handle my anxiety better and my feelings and the stress and I am just so weak and I should have tried harder and not have meltdowns so I wasn’t making my own family miserable. But the truth was it was more than unhappiness I was going through. I think there is a big difference between being unhappy just because you don’t like how things are going or because you can’t do something vs having distress and changing as a person and not being able to function because of the anxiety and stress.

To this day it still hurts if my mother said I only wanted my way then because it feels like she didn’t really understand what I was going through and the pain I was having and the nightmares I had to have at night and the compulsions about killing the pet. I even wanted to move out and she acted like then I was having a tantrum and wanted my way so of course I would act out more because of the misunderstanding and I wasn’t able to put into words how I was feeling. If I tried to express it, it came out as me me me instead of what I was going through and the pain I was having. I was even threatening suicide to my whole family because it was too much and I couldn’t live with it. I suffered. I had the misery. Does she really think I wanted to be this way?

Should I have tried harder at holding everything in and try to not let it all out? To this day I try and avoid this topic because my old feelings are still there and they will just come back like they are still here and like the situation was still recent. I do wish I knew other options as a 16 year old and no one bothered to tell me how I could handle it and what I could have done instead instead of just saying “There were other options you could have done” and I would always ask ‘Like what?’ and they wouldn’t tell me. What the heck?

How do I deal with stress, I try and avoid it. I try and find solutions for it before it gets way too out of hand. But what happens when it’s beyond your control? I’m fucked.

I understand people out there who kill their kids because they couldn’t handle stress in their lives and the stress of caring for their disabled child or their normal kids because I have been there. I have a hard time judging them if I know I am the one that could have been me if I were in that situation. I have been there before with our dog and with my husband and having a one year old son but the difference is I didn’t go with the plan and I had help. Do I think those moms should try and seek help if they are feeling like doing a double murder and suicide? Absolutely. You don’t want to harm your partner or your children or anyone else. If you are fearing you are heading that way and getting closer to it and you find yourself starting to plan it, call social services or your family or something.

Now what would have happened if I did threaten my whole family I will kill the dog or abuse him if he keeps peeing in the house? I am sure they would have stepped in and help and maybe train the dog better and watch him more. Why didn’t I do the threat? Because I feared being hospitalized. The threat actually worked so it kept me from trying to get more help for myself from my family so I suffered even more and they had even more misery from me. So things maybe would have been better if I did threaten to harm the dog. In a way I would have been asking for help. But if it was seen as me throwing a tantrum and being manipulative, that also wouldn’t have helped with the situation. It would have been dismissing my feelings and what I was going through. Even telling me I just wanted my way then is still dismissing how I felt and the pain I was going through. It’s trivializing my experience. But instead I was emotionally abandoned and treated like I was selfish and trying to get my way and it never made the situation better or myself better.

My mom claims she understands now but I doubt it.

 

 

Nope this wouldn’t have worked with me

Friday, October 9th, 2015

http://themighty.com/2015/10/10-things-i-needed-to-hear-most-as-a-child-on-the-autism-spectrum/

This article got positive feedback but this is something I can’t really relate because I know if these things were said to me as a child, it would have done the opposite than it intended. Why? I hated being different, I wanted to be normal very bad so I was working on trying to change to be normal so the last thing I would need to hear are these things. When you have low self esteem and have depression, it’s very easy to take things out of context and to twist things and to take things the wrong way.

I would have felt I was not worthy, I will never be normal, I am meant to not be a good person. It was already labeled as being rude, mean, show off, despicable, weird, crazy, insane, spoiled, sour, so to be told that I can’t be normal, it will be impossible, would be telling me I am meant to be all these things other kids had me labeled as.

In my mindset it was if lot of people think negative things about you, it must be true and there is a saying “if everyone is an asshole, you’re the asshole” which is probably why my mom finally took me to a psychologist when I was in the 5th grade. I was being rejected by my peers, kids were mean to me and it was all the time than sometimes like most kids. Most kids get rejected and get poked fun at from time to time but for me it was on a daily basis so no wonder I was so depressed and had low self esteem and was very frustrated. For most kids it’s no big deal because it’s something they only have to deal with once in a while during the whole school year while for me it was almost daily. So obviously something was wrong with me if everyone in my school is an asshole which was how I also knew I was different but I couldn’t understand why. Kids are mean. They lack filters, they say what they exactly think. They’re mean because they’re allowed to be and a grown up lets them because it’s normal so they expect the victim to toughen up and ignore it just because it’s normal kid behavior. But kids can be little monsters because they know how to manipulate the adults, target someone, and get away with it, they can work in groups and play the innocent card. But is it all their fault? It is the grown ups job to teach them and to stop it and if they don’t, the kids see they can get away with it. I even thought I was put on this planet to be a punching bag and that I am meant to be a bad person. But my mom says those were all mean kids. I wonder if all the kids in my high school were just jerks. I have seen a phrase “before you know you have socialization issues make sure you are not surrounded by a bunch of assholes.” I wasn’t bullied in high school or middle school but I still felt like I was treated different but if we had stayed living in Washington, then I would have gotten bullied and it may have gotten worse to a point where I might have killed myself or dropped out because I wouldn’t be able to take the harassment. I might have ended up getting home schooled and my mom would have had to quit her job to teach me but then she wouldn’t be able afford my therapies anymore so I wouldn’t have gotten them anymore anyway and I might not be able to see Rebekah Smith. I would have been happy anyway so I might not have needed to see her anymore anyway. My brothers might have ended up home schooled too because my brother was too smart for his grade level work and they wouldn’t have challenged him and my other brother might have been homeschooled for his own reason.

But the article is still good and it might work on some kids with disabilities, especially with autism. But for those with low self esteem, depression, especially if they want to be normal very badly and don’t accept themselves, this would backfire. I was already convinced that no matter where I go, people will always be mean to me because they would always know I am different. But I know now my parents had been right all along that that problem would all end once I get out of high school and they were right. People do leave me alone now, even strangers, people are too busy with their lives to even pick on someone or to even give a shit. I can be myself more and not have to worry about being given a hard time or judged for what i wear or what I do for gun or watch how I sit or walk or watch my face. Yet I will hear stories out there by people who seem to be surrounded by assholes so they are always judged, treated badly, bullied at work, etc. and I sit here and wonder how do they find those people, where are all those people? Do those people have bad luck or are they exaggerating? There can’t be that many assholes and every job they run into always has a bunch of assholes or where they live, everyone is one. Once in a while I will run into a jerk but I won’t go online and exaggerate saying how mean people are to me and how judgmental they are making it sound like it’s all the time and a bunch of people instead of just that one person.  Plus I don’t even try to be social or make any friends so that might be part of why I don’t ever see them and maybe those people online are trying to be social and make friends but are very frustrated because it never turns out well and they are still trying to be like everyone else. But no one gives me a hard time for being quiet and being kept to myself.  I am sure I frustrate my co workers at work because of my confusion and not understanding and forgetting to look at the board so they always have to tell me and having to give me every detail and not being able to understand them because English isn’t their first language but yet other primary English speaking co workers seem to have no problems understanding them. No one gets pissed at me for that either.

Can psychopathy come and go?

Sunday, October 4th, 2015

Every time we hear about school shootings or animal torture, we always hear the word psychopath for those monsters that did it, same as for when parents kill their kids including disabled ones.

I have always felt I had some characteristics because lack of remorse is one of them. that is just something I never grasped, I cannot understand why someone would do something wrong and then feel bad for it. Why would you want to do something bad in the first place?

I remember as a kid I would sometimes do something wrong and not feel bad for it. For example, when I was six or seven I took a pack of gum from the store after Mom had told me I couldn’t have it. I took it off the shelf and opened it and my mother caught me eating it when we got home. She asked me “Were did you get the gum?”

Me: from the store

Mom: Why?

Me: I wanted it.

Mom: But I told you no you couldn’t have it

Me: But I wanted it.

So my mom took it from me and finished putting the groceries away and took me upstairs to my room and made me take some coins out of my piggy bank. She was going to teach me a lesson about if I want stuff from the store and what money is used for. She took me back, told the cashier what I did but she says “Oh that’s okay.” Mom tells her “No she is going to pay for this gum so she will learn her lesson.” So the cashier lets me pay for it and then she hands me back my gum. “Here is your gum dear.” My mom tells her “No, it’s going to be thrown away now, she can’t have it.” The cashier tells her I had paid for it and my mom tells her if she lets me keep that gum, I will think it’s okay to take things from the store. Other customers who were there thought my mother was nuts but an elderly woman said “No that is being a good parent.”

My mom and I left and my mom tossed the gum out and I was mad because I had paid for it not seeming to understand why I couldn’t have it.

So you see, a normal kid would feel bad for taking the gum without paying for it, but me I didn’t care. I was not embarrassed nor even felt bad for breaking the law. I would have just learned if I wanted something, just take it and mom would have to let me have it so that is why she threw it away so I will know there is no point in taking things I want if my mom will just not let me have it. Did I have no remorse because I didn’t understand how it would make others feel around me or did I have that psychopath trait? Even as a kid I had a hard time with feelings and understanding them. I knew of laughing and crying and mad and yelling but I didn’t really understand why they felt that way. Feelings are abstract and I was very concrete. According to my mother I was loving and would pick up on her feelings as a toddler because I would act different around her. She called it a gift. I must have lost it then.

I also teased others kids and didn’t know when to stop and I loved to provoke people to see their reactions and do things to see how people would react and I didn’t seem to care how I made others feel. Did I not understand their feelings and their reactions or was that the psychopathic tenancy?

But as I got older I wanted to be a good person and not evil so I changed my behavior. I compensated. I still don’t feel a lot of emotion so I feel I still lack empathy. I can watch the news and not get really upset like most people do but yet whenever I read stuff by Sarah Burleton, I just want to punch her mother and I feel hate for her because of what she did. I cannot imagine torturing my own child or shooting at an innocent goat. Instead of rehoming the animal, Nancy had decided to shoot it with a BB gun to hurt Sarah because it was her animal. The goat would destroy things on property and eat the flowers and Nancy hated it.

I always got violent thoughts but was never strong enough to execute them to seriously harm other kids including my bullies. I realized at 14 I was too nice to do that but that means I don’t have enough psychopathy in me to do it which is why i believe when people do school shootings, they must have been a psychopath because they had enough in them to execute such an action.

When I was 16 I was having a lot of anxiety and more meltdowns because my family would not keep the house neat so it was stressing me out. Then my dad brought home Squeaky. That caused me tremendous anxiety and it literally made me go crazy. Crazy to a point that I changed as a person. I started to mimic Frankie to get my way so my life would be easier. I also wanted to kill Squeaky and was getting compulsions to drown him in our pond. I believe I would have done it because the only thing that held me back from doing it was fearing i would go to a mental hospital and I wanted to torture him too but was also afraid of getting institutionalized. My mom had already threatened to send me away once so I was forced to stop trying to have ODD. I was having nightmares about the dog and nightmares that my mother had stopped caring about me so she was letting kids be mean to me. I believe I was getting close to killing the animal but then something happened, he got hit by a car and died. That saved me from turning into a psychopath. Thinking of the fact that that dog would have made me go crazy makes me think of this song here:

What could a puppy possibly do that would drive someone to kill the poor thing? Well when there is the OCD, the anxiety, the depression, emotional issues, and the fact the dog wouldn’t quit pissing in the house because no one would watch him and the fact no one would let the person keep them crated or keep the puppy outside would do it because the person had reached their breaking point and couldn’t handle it anymore so they killed whatever was giving them the stress.

What would have happened if i really did kill the animal, I would have been a psychopath and then be recovered from it because I would no longer have all that anxiety and stress and my OCD wouldn’t be so out of control because whatever was causing it had been removed from my environment.

So what would that mean for someone who is at risk like I am. Well first of all they shouldn’t have a pet that can’t meet their standards due to their mental issues. My dad should not have brought home that animal but we had another dog but she met my standards because she always peed outside and she didn’t wreck things. But even if someone would be at risk to kill an animal, it is very unlikely it will happen because first of all if they had a pet, they would either keep the pet locked up or outside and if the pet was still a nuisance, they would re home it than torture it and kill it which is why I say Nancy could have kept the goat fenced in part of their land or get rid of it by rehoming the animal but no she had to shoot it with BBs to punish her daughter. Also they might not live with anyone who has an animal they can’t stand nor would they get in a relationship with someone with it. They would problem solve first before going crazy and for me it would take me a lot before I go crazy and become a psychopath which is why it always scares me to imagine how I would handle a severely autistic child or someone severely handicapped because I worry I would be one of those parents who kills their disabled child. I did try to problem solve with our puppy by keeping him in his crate or outside but no one would let that happen so I got worse and worse and having violent thoughts about our puppy. I used to tell stories in my therapist’s office called The Abusing Adventures of Squeaky and my therapist found them funny and told me his office was a safe place for these stories. Back then i thought he was evil and not a normal animal because he wouldn’t go outside, he would just hold it and wait until he was inside to go so it made me think he was doing it on purpose and he loved going in the house. I can remember my therapist saying to me “Oh you thought he was defiant.” Even as an adult I still didn’t understand how a puppy can be so stubborn and I knew I couldn’t be crazy because he really did wait until he was inside before he took a piss. But no one seemed to believe me because everyone saw him as innocent. Then I started to think if dogs can have fetishes like humans, maybe he had a wetting fetish and loved going inside. It was one of my online friends who laughed and told me he wasn’t doing it on purpose and I asked what did he mean by that and she said he wasn’t doing it to upset me and he didn’t know it was upsetting me. I asked her why did he keep on doing it and she said he was probably just confused, he was a dumb animal. So I did my research and learned that he just probably had it backwards, he came from a pet shop so he always peed inside and thought he could pee inside and puppies when in a new environment, they find all these places in the house they could pee in so crating them is what you do because they will never pee in their bed or area like humans. so I was right about crating our puppy, it is not cruel, that is how you house train them. I wish I knew this at 16 years of age and I wish I was told this solution so i wouldn’t have gone crazy thinking I was trapped and there was nothing I could do. My therapist was correct, there was something I could have done but he wouldn’t tell me when I asked what could I have done? I was so defensive then because anyone who didn’t see it my way was against me. Anyone who treated me like the bad guy was against me so I always put on my defense. But my online friend understood me, she didn’t judge or go against me so I was able to listen and do some research. This is how you get through to people folks, you understand them, see their perspective, not judge them, and it is easier for them to listen because it’s easier to get though to them if you understand their side than treating them like the bad guy. If I knew this at 16, I would have been in control of my environment again and not go crazy and have daily meltdowns and try and mimic Frankie or even doing self harm or even squeezing the puppy or pushing it away with a broom or pounding my fists on his crate with him inside it or pushing it out of the way with my feet or broom whenever he is in it because I hated him and didn’t see him as an animal. It’s like how people don’t see someone as human once they rape a child or do child abuse so they use that to justify for them getting raped or beaten in prison, well I was justifying not seeing him an an animal to do my actions on him to release anger. I also would literally throw him outside because I hated him. We were both at war. But yeah maybe he was an innocent animal like everyone always said. But yet I still don’t feel bad. I must have that psychopathic trait. But that was me going crazy there because of the anxiety and stress and I had been pushed that far by my family so that is why i say my dad should not have gotten a new dog and we should have gotten rid of him. I think it’s wrong to keep a animal in the house with someone who is aggressive with it. That should be a form of animal abuse. But it wasn’t the dog’s fault either. He probably thought I was crazy because he didn’t know that him pissing in the house was making me that way. Plus I think he had it backwards about his toilet like I did when I was 2 and 3. But no way was I pissing in my diapers or on the floor or just in my pants to piss my mother off. What if she had abused me thinking I was doing it on purpose and that I was evil and I was no innocent child so she used that to justify the abuse? It wouldn’t have to be beatings or starvation or anything bad that would harm me or leave me any marks and injuries. I could have been hair pulling or being choked or squeezed or hit because those things would be hard to prove if she wasn’t leaving any marks on me. Yes people would be getting on her case about it and judge her harshly if they all knew than understanding her and seeing her perspective to get through to her. Instead I was put back in diapers because my mother figured I wasn’t ready. Problem was solved even though some people online have felt she did me a disservice when I told them that story about how she tried to potty train me and I had it all backwards so she put me back in them. But too bad puppies don’t wear diapers.  But I have heard horror stories online about potty training and some parents snap and abuse them. I couldn’t understand it until I was potty training my son and after but no way am I going to justify their abuse and I didn’t go abusing my son for wetting or messing his pants because he wouldn’t use the potty. But yes I did cry and I did get frustrated to a point where I just wanted to hit him and slap him silly and my dad thought he should be spanked when all I could do is put him in time out, take away a privilege for him, have him get a natural consequence; he wouldn’t be able to wear his big boy underwear if he got them all soiled and I am not going to be washing them until there is laundry. This was after he knew how to use the potty. I never punished him during potty training. He would go forwards and then regress again and that stopped when I had my daughter and poof he never regressed again so I knew he knew how to use the potty and he was just choosing to not go. I knew that all along because he would be good at going potty and then regress. Even with our washer down, he went potty in the toilet and didn’t wet or mess himself until the washing machine was working again so there is another hint that he was doing it on purpose. But I doubt he was doing it to torment me and I have heard of little kids wetting and messing themselves on purpose because they don’t want to stop playing to go potty. I can handle human pee because it’s different than animal pee so it doesn’t make my OCD go bad. It’s easier to clean up and to get rid of.

So can one turn into a psychopath due to the environment and their own mental issues and then not be a psychopath anymore once they are out of whatever caused them to be that way?

If I were seeing a therapist, I would be asking him/her this question,

BTW when the puppy did die, my daily meltdowns went away and my anxiety lessened. My mom also felt relieved when he died because he caused so much chaos on the household even though he didn’t do it on purpose.

I have also tried talking to people including my old therapists about my concern for psychopathy but all of them have told me I am not one if I am even thinking about it and also because I don’t kill and torture people. I am not Diane Downs or Ted Bundy. But is it possible to be one and not act on it? Diane Downs sure shot her kids once but had never killed anyone else or do anything evil before and no doctor ever thought she had cluster B disorders until after she did the crime. She has not done any others since but that is because she is in prison and what if she had gotten away with it, would she have done another evil thing? Would she have tried to kill her kids again? Not all psychopaths do crimes over and over like Bundy did or Dalmar or Gacy. I fact only very few commit crimes. But do I have any psychopath traits? Symptoms do overlap. What if I actually had psychopath traits and they were mistaken for Asperger’s when I was a kid because psychopathy cannot be diagnosed in kids until they are 18. But I have never tortured any animals or anyone so of course it would never be caught. But then again even autistic and aspie children have caused injuries and I have read bad stories online about autistic children being mean to animals. I was rough with them too as a kid because I didn’t really understand. My therapist I saw when I was 11 and 12 had to teach me. But I didn’t really torture them like psychopaths did when they were children. I would never dream of killing an animal as a child or wanting to harm them. I did try to get my cat to fight with our neighbor’s dog once but I wasn’t trying to harm my cat and I didn’t know a dog could kill a cat during a fight. Also I used to think my lack of feelings for others was due to my autism but then I started reading around 2009 that they do have empathy and they in fact feel too much so they get overwhelmed from it so it appears they do not care. I cannot relate to that, I feel too little in fact. I can see someone cry and not be affected by it. I will just know they are sad or upset. But then again I remember reading a story by John Robison in one of his books about how he saw an accident and the person was hurt so he was able to help the person without feeling anything, most people would panic and be upset what they saw and not be able to do a thing about it because their emotions would have gotten in the way. It didn’t mean he was a psychopath of course. I do hear how logical us aspie creatures are but yet that contradicts about having too much empathy so wouldn’t that mean they get in the way if they cause us to shut down? That just shows how different we all are. Maybe I don’t have psychopath traits. Like I say symptoms over lap. I was impulsive when I was a kid too and that is also a symptom of psychopathy. My parents even though I would be one of those school shooters so they made sure my grandfather’s gun was locked up at his house and that they didn’t have any fire arm around. She said I was so impulsive I would have done it without even thinking of the aftermath. Yes I even almost burnt down our barn once when I was 16 because I came home from school very upset so to calm myself, I drag the trash to the rotted wood pile, light it on fire and it burns and then the grass catches on fire and it got close to the barn but the fire didn’t get that far to catch it on fire. My parents came home and saw it and my mom told me how it’s part of my IEP whatever she was talking about and told me I get so impulsive so it’s part of my IEP and I said I don’t get impulsive and she told me to look out the window so i did and she pointed to the grass that was burned and told me “That is how impulsive you were, you almost burned down the barn because you didn’t even think before setting the garbage on fire because you were very upset and that is what happens when you are very upset you get very impulsive.” I have no memory of feeling bad for almost burning down our barn. But the barn didn’t burn down so no need to feel bad about it.

There are also other conditions out there that overlap with psychopathy like narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, oppositonal defiant disorder, conduct disorder, and reactive attachment disorder. I do feel that RAD is basically psychopathy in kids except they are created. I can remember my therapist mentioning conduct disorder to me but he didn’t say I had it so I must be cured from it then because I am not in that environment anymore where I was going crazy and heading for psychopathy or conduct disorder. Makes me wonder if it can come and go. There would be two different types, those who are psychopaths no matter what and the other type would be they are one when it depends on the environment they are in like are they stressed out and having anxiety, and have they reached their breaking point? Then once whatever was causing it is resolved, they no longer have it. That could be the case with school shooters too. they reach their breaking point and go crazy and do a killing spree. The Night Santa Went Crazy.