Archive for the ‘anxiety’ Tag

Did Karen Brewer have anxiety?

Monday, May 15th, 2017

I remember when I was a kid, I always read Baby Sitters Little Sister books and the first book I read was Karen’s School Bus and I felt I related to it because she would get bullied on the bus like I did. I sometimes related to her because like me she was also bossy and she was also loud so she had to be reminded to use a inside voice. Plus she didn’t have many friends, only two. The rest were just acquaintances.

But it dawned on me that Karen might also have anxiety because she was always saying in the books she got butterflies in her stomach. Did she have social anxiety? I don’t know but she always got nervous she would get sick to her stomach. I always took Butterflies in her stomach literal thinking she had actual butterflies in there.

Ann M Martin had always put some interesting characters in her story. Claudia had dyslexia possibly, it was obvious she had a learning disability because she wasn’t good with spelling. Jackie Rodowsky possibly had dyspraxia because he was always bumping into things and tripping and Ann M Martin once had another client child Kristy and her friends baby sat being recently diagnosed with dyslexia so he was putting himself down saying he was stupid. Plus there was another character I forget his name but he was profoundly deaf so everyone spoke sign language and the other kids were learning it too. Ann M Martin once even put an autistic character in one of her books and her name was Susan but she only appeared in one book and so did Whitney who had Down syndrome but she has been mentioned in the other Baby Siters Club book series and she did appear once in one of the Baby Sitter Club special books. Ann M Martin had never put any socially awkward characters in her book series making them nerdy with strong interests and being socially retarded where they don’t get hints and understand social cues. if she did, then we would all be speculating that character had Asperger’s. Karen Brewer was obviously gifted because she skipped a grade so she was very bright so her IQ might be above average. But she was a good reader and speller too. Now I am thinking she probably had anxiety since she was always anxious but it didn’t affect her and her functioning. It wouldn’t mean she had an anxiety disorder. Some people can be more anxious than others but it wouldn’t mean they have an anxiety disorder unless it’s impacting their life and giving them road blocks like it keeps them from making appointments or doing well on a test or studying or they can’t even order their own food or even go to a restaurant and eat out or even go to places because of people they would have to deal with and they need everyone to do it for them. That was not Karen. She would get butterflies but she still dealt with it and carried on. But yet there are people out there who still take pills for their anxiety even though it doesn’t stop them but it helps with their psychical symptoms so they won’t have to deal with it all the time like heart burns or nausea or feeling like they are having a heart attack or short of breath, etc. Does it mean they have an anxiety disorder, I don’t know since it doesn’t stop them from doing anything because they just deal with those psychical symptoms. But now there is medicine for it so they can just take that. I only view anxiety as a disability if it stops you from living a normal life and it makes it hard for you to function because it affects your thinking and behavior and your functioning and your learning rather than just having psychical symptoms.


I think I might have some PDA

Saturday, December 17th, 2016

What is PDA?

It’s only recognized in the UK and nowhere else in the world. ODD and PDA sound very much the same but for PDA it’s the damand in place that causes the person anxiety while for someone with ODD, it’s dislike of authority. But they still sound very much the same and even the behavior is very much the same but with PDA it seems to be more anxiety based.

  • resists and avoids the ordinary demands of life
  • appearing sociable, but lacking depth in understanding
  • excessive mood swings and impulsivity
  • comfortable in role play and pretend, sometimes to an extreme extent
  • language delay, often with good degree of catch-up
  • obsessive behaviour, often focussed on people.

I fit almost everything on the list. I didn’t demand ordinary demands on a day to day basis because I respected certain people better such as my own parents and I listened to certain people better than others and I did have a language delay but that was more likely due to hearing loss and it took me years to catch up in language. But no one really knows if I still would have had a language delay without any hearing loss because most kids catch up quickly after having tubes inserted in their ears. Then they hear again and catch up in their language development and I didn’t do that so I was given an early diagnoses of language disorder.

Because there isn’t a lot of information about it, I am not able to read into depth about it to understand the symptoms more and degree but I know I have always had issues with follow directions and listening to people and I will sometimes purposely not do things if it’s been a demand placed on me and I had an issue with listening to baby sitters growing up and being good with my grandparents when my parents would go out. I never understood why I had troubles with authority without my parents around. I have always gotten obsessed with people and attached to them and to this day it still happens but what i do about it is I will purposely avoid that person so I am not stalking them and making them uncomfortable and I have always gotten obsessed with characters from movies. I still get anxiety when I have to do things but it’s always been called anxiety. I will even put it off and not do it because it’s a demand in place. I don’t think I would have enough to qualify to actually have PDA but I have some of it I believe but not enough for it to hold me back but enough for it to annoy me but I can still get through it. I have gotten better though and my mom used to say I was impulsive when I was a kid and my therapist I saw in high school said I had some oppositional defiance but he didn’t say I had ODD. My mom admits I did have behavior but it was anxiety.

PDA comes off to me as having anxiety because of the demands so I wonder if anxiety pills would work with it. I have only read about extreme cases about this so it makes me look normal because I didn’t yell and scream at my parents or hit them or get in fights in school and suspended and I still functioned in school. But like I say there isn’t a lot of information about it so I can’t really read into depth about it to see how much it fits and how mild someone can have it to see if it fits or if I just have some of it but not enough to actually have it. But reading the whole list made me feel I was reading about my childhood. But when I am very calm, I am fine. It’s when I am anxious is when I start acting out and being defiant and avoident and I have behavior.

My school even tried to say I had a behavior disorder so the AS diagnoses saved me from being put in a behavior class.  My mother thinks they were trying to do that because their system they had for me wasn’t working for me so they wanted to just get rid of me and needed a reason for it so they looked for one. The diagnoses of anxiety disorder alone wouldn’t have given me the help I needed to the degree I needed. I am sure diagnosing these kids with anxiety disorders than PDA wouldn’t have given them the same amount of support they need if theirs was only be treated as having just anxiety.

And an interesting thing, I saw in my records from my preschool I attended that I manipulate kids and adults. I didn’t ask what that meant.  Also parents of PDA kids feel the autism and AS diagnoses doesn’t seem to fit and that is what my mom said about mine. I wonder what she would think if I showed her this article?




Family ignorance

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

I saw another question being posted online asking if anyone had ever had to endure bullying in the family.

Occasionally my brothers and their friends would deliberately make messes to stress me out and run off and hide or take my Barbies and pull the clothes off them and put them in my dollhouse having them hanging out of windows and denying they did it. This was about it. The rest was just typical sibling annoyance like going in my room, whining, messing with my dollhouse or playhouse and they were little so they didn’t know any better. I know my youngest brother didn’t whine to piss any of us off, that was just who he is. That was not bullying there, only when they would deliberately make messes to stress me out and what they did with my Barbies.

But when my brothers got older, they started to have friends over more and more often because they had reached the age where kids start to socialize and chit chat and always have their friends around. It started to get too much for me to handle because they would be in my personal space, make too much noise, make messes and move too many things around. I did not like it at all so it would stress me out. That was when my parents started to change. They would get mad at me for my anxiety and that started to make it worse so I got worse. I remember when i pointed this out to them, they said they didn’t change I did. Yes the gaslighting behavior I had to face. They didn’t see my perspective and see it from my side so they denied denied any change and said I was the one who changed. But meanwhile my brothers seemed to get worse and worse all because they were getting older and louder and I didn’t understand why I had all of a sudden gotten more sensitive to the noise and why I was having more anxiety than before. But no one gave a damn, it was made out to be my fault and even the pills didn’t work because I still had it. Maybe if I took them every day instead of when I was having anxiety, maybe they would have been effective.

Another problem I faced was lack of understanding from my family. My brothers were still too young to understand my condition so they just ignored my needs and my problems. They just kept on minding their own business and doing what they were doing not even paying attention to my behavior and my anxiety. I remember the nights of not being able to relax and sleep because I was so worried about my brothers making messes and it didn’t help when my parents would get mad at me about it.

Then we moved into our new house and that was exciting. We had lots of room now. But my anxiety was still worse because my dad decided to bring home a new puppy who wouldn’t learn to pee outside because he had his bathroom all backwards. Then it didn’t help that no one wanted to house train it and pay attention to it so tremendous anxiety I had. Then when that puppy passed away, I was better again but I still had anxiety because of lack of understanding from my family. Whenever my brothers had parties, I would get worse again due to the anxiety. There would be messes and I hated messes and it would stress me out. Also no one would pick up after themselves and I was very obsessive about a clean house and I would have anxiety about dirt and crumbs and dirty dishes in the sink or laying all over.

I remember I felt abused because I was having all this anxiety so it felt like I was being abused and tortured and tormented because everyone kept doing things that was stressing me out and they knew it did but they kept on doing it. When I tried to tell this to my mother, she just went “You only want to move out because you just want your way.” That was hurtful because that was implying I was just having a tantrum and being controlling. It was very invalidating. How hard is it to just wipe up your crumbs or just throw away garbage or put something away when you are done with it or how hard is to wipe up your spill or mess or when you do a drop on the floor? But her just saying I wanted my way makes it sound like I was only having tantrums and being manipulative to get what I want and that I was choosing to have anxiety and being all stressed out or that I was faking it. What happened to the mother that used to understand me? She said I was the one who changed, not her and I was just screaming like a two year old. I think she said that to justify her treatment of me than admitting she lacked compassion and understanding. I have been noticing a lot of people have narcissistic tenancies but it doesn’t mean they are narcissists nor does it mean they have NPD. My mom had that N tenancy. Avoiding responsibility, putting the blame on me, the gaslighting, finding excuses to justify her behavior. But I think it only becomes narcissist when they do it all the time and my mom doesn’t do it all the time. She only does it in certain areas but not in most areas. I don’t think she will ever understand and I don’t bother trying to explain it to her because I don’t want to deal with this and having all the blame thrown on me because that is like blaming it on an autistic person or on someone for being deaf or for being sick with a mental illness and I feel that is what she is doing with me. She is acting like I did this all on purpose and I acted it all out and I was being manipulative and having tantrums to get my way. She is acting like I wanted to be that way. No she never apologized for her cold behavior and for saying that or for her lack of understanding. That is why I think she still doesn’t get it. She doesn’t have anxiety, she is not in my head so what would she know. She doesn’t even know ASD gets worse in adolescence or she would have understood that in me. Even then I thought I was going crazy and I didn’t understand what was going on and why has it gotten worse for me? I even feel sometimes to this day that maybe I acted all that out and faked it and maybe I really was just being a bitch and wanted my way and I was using anxiety as an excuse. I even feel I should have tried harder and hold in my feelings and try and suffer in silence instead of showing it.

My therapist was no help either because he didn’t seem to have an understanding because he kept saying I was a police woman and using my own condition against me by saying “when people tell you to stop yelling, do you stop?” That is like telling someone “When people tell you to stop having a sensory overload, do you stop?” Also he acted like I wanted my way because he was saying how everyone puts up with stuff and my parents put up with the messes and noise for one night. For me it was pure torture while for most people it might just be an annoyance. For me it was beyond annoyance. But no one cared.

My mom also thought I was trying to be Asperger’s as if I wanted to have all that anxiety and always be so stressed out and always have daily meltdowns due to the chaos they were doing. Then she blamed it on my school counselor so she fired him. I think she just needed someone to blame and it was him because of what he said but I wonder what would have happened if he had said I had anxiety instead of Asperger’s. Then what? But I think she was just so upset because I had gotten worse due to the anxiety and my brothers getting older and what they were doing and their lack of following my rules so that made me worse so I think my mother needed him to blame. She just needed an excuse for me and used him because he became the culprit because of what he said. But she had accidentally found out from that that he wasn’t the right person for me to be seeing because he didn’t think I could get better, he didn’t say “it will get better once she gets passed these teens and she is out on her own.” He didn’t show sympathy for my mother. He also didn’t have faith in me and he told her my parents were wasting their money on me seeing a therapist and saying I will always be that way. So she was right to fire him due to that reason than for the other thing. Plus he was just giving me excuses and wasn’t teaching me how to cope and get better and he didn’t have a PH D but was acting like he was a therapist instead of just a counselor. So of how much he told me, I have no idea if it was BS or not.

But since my mom had told me my therapist had gotten me mad on purpose to get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings, I wonder if he was being ignorant of my anxiety on purpose to piss me off. Mom told me he wanted me to get mad at him and hate on him so I would get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings from over the years. Now I don’t know anymore of how much he said was truthful or just him trying to piss me off.

But once my brothers got to high school, they started to follow my rules so instead of being loud and doing running in and out of the house, they started to be quiet and stay in their area and taking off their shoes. I then started to not notice when my brothers were having parties or had friends over because they would be so quiet. They still watched TV and talked and played video games but they were not acting all wild like teens do when they hang out. My brothers finally were older so they started to understand and found a compromise. Then I was acting normal because of no more anxiety. I was calm and they were not doing all that chaos. So I got better again because of less anxiety. Then I moved out like I’ve always wanted since I was 16.

I am sure if I were to compare this to abuse and torment and bullying and saying that is what it was like for me and it was like they were doing it intentionally to upset me and make me stressed out and uncomfortable because I had already told them how it made me feel and how I don’t like it and how much it upsets me, it might come off as manipulation because they are not in my head so what would they know? They would just think I am just saying this to be manipulative and that I wanted my way and still trying to do that. So that is why I don’t really talk about it and I just keep it to myself and only share it online because I am sure they would understand, those who suffer from anxiety, those who suffer from OCD, those who suffer from autism or sensory processing disorder. But anyone else reading this, I am sure they would just think I am whining and being a cry baby because what would they know if they have never experienced it?



What’s real?

Thursday, October 6th, 2016

One of the things I struggle with is knowing what is real and what isn’t with my thoughts and perspectives. I will get a thought in my head and I will have no idea if it’s anxiety or not. Anything I do I have no idea if it’s anxiety based. Sometimes I realize it was just the anxiety when it blows over or when I am feeling better. My husband will sometimes reassure me everything is fine regarding money and he will remind me it’s just my anxiety that is making me think that way.

Just at work I was feeling bullied and harassed and Tuesday the co worker came back from his trip and he was all friendly with me and helpful and I realized I imagined the whole thing and that was just my anxiety making me worried. But my boss came in the break room and I asked what to do about the white sponges and he told me I use those for the sinks and I said it had cleanser on them and he goes “you use them for the sink” and I go “Wait, I thought we weren’t supposed to be using them for the sinks, only for the toilets” and bam I had found out the co worker was wrong what he told me and my boss told me I was doing it right the whole time and he told me I could use the orange or green chemical for the floors. The co worker had told me to only use green. So I ask my boss about the odor bottle and he told me to only use it for the urinal, you don’t spray anywhere else with it. I couldn’t believe the co worker gave me false info so good thing I asked my boss the following day about sponges. I don’t know if the co worker was trying to trick me or if he was confused. The boss thought he was just confused. I also told him about the restrooms and how customers use them after I clean them because they work out and then use the restrooms and I have been getting accused of not cleaning them because of lack of common sense about customers using the restrooms. Luckily the boss had the common sense to know that and understand. Then when I was in the basement dust mopping, I over heard the co worker on the freight elevator telling our other co workers “Don’t tell Beth things” and he laughs and then starts talking and I couldn’t make out the rest he said. I had no idea if he was joking or making fun of me. I figured he was talking about telling me the wrong stuff because they will get caught. Maybe that will fix the co worker issue.

Another thing I have gotten at work is I will be doing my tasks and then all of a sudden I start getting complaints when I hadn’t before and they are almost daily. Then the boss moves me to another floor or gives me different tasks to do. I have wondered if I was being bullied by customers. I know it can’t be the boss or else I wouldn’t have been moved to another floor or being given different tasks. I would have been written up and then fired if that were the case so it had to be the customers. But then again I have no idea if this is just my anxiety or if this is real. Why else would I start getting complaints when I hadn’t before? That part is real but what I think is going on I am not sure about.



Something new I learned about bullying

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

I was reading a book at Barnes & Noble and it was about anxiety. It talks about anxiety disorders and I was reading the first chapter and he talks about teens and technology. He talks about bullying and he said something very interesting. He said when you are bullied often, you start to think there is something wrong with you, there is something about you that makes kids target you, you don’t see anyone else being bullied like you do, so you start to think something is wrong with you. It brings down your self esteem. He said what makes you a target for bullying is your reaction. REACTION.

Yes the bullying did make me think there was something wrong with me. I took the criticism kids thought of me and I tried to better myself. I started to study what was rude behavior and what exactly is showing off, I started to walk looking at the ground so I would stop bumping into people. I always felt bad for bumping into people because of my clumsiness so I learned to look at the ground when I walk and I will have more time to move my body when I see a kid in the way. I even started to copy “normal” behavior to be normal. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be respected, I didn’t want to be this mean and rude girl and a show off. Kids thought I was weird so I tried to stop being weird. I didn’t accept being different anymore. I tried harder to care about others so I wouldn’t be selfish anymore and spoiled. Also the author wrote to not listen to what kids tell you about yourself and it’s just their opinion. I sure took their opinions seriously so I started to obsess about being normal and trying to be this good person. I couldn’t handle the criticism. But the truth is bullies do not care, you can never impress them. But where do you draw the line for when to listen to someone’s opinion about you and when to not listen? If we never listen to anyone, we will never better ourselves and also when does a comment count as bullying? My mom doesn’t think I was really bullied, she just thinks I was just teased and I was too sensitive and I took kids comments too personally. She says they were just mean kids but she didn’t see any of it as bullying. She says the others were just innocent and I took it too personal, too literal. That seems common in ASD kids to take it all personal so they continue seeing those kids as the same people, I sure did. I didn’t want to be around the kids that made fun of me in the third grade for how I spoke. I didn’t want to be around any kid that thought of me as a show off or selfish or spoiled or rude or crazy or weird. I had true social anxiety around those kids because I felt so self conscious about myself so I had to watch my facial expressions, my behavior, how I sat, my body language. I don’t feel that way anymore because I don’t care what people think and I don’t care about normal. Besides what is normal anyway?

I was also rejected but I didn’t know why I was rejected. My own friends would avoid me and tell me to go away. I had poor social skills.

But I think kids are bullied for many reasons, not because of how you react. Transgender kids get bullied because they do not follow the gender role  Homosexual kids get bullied because they are not following the “norm” and kids are taught that being gay is “wrong” by their religious families or because their parents find it “sick.” Autistic children are bullied because of their poor social skills and because they don’t understand jokes and of course how they react to teasing so it makes them even more of a target. I think one of the things that made me a target for bullying was my reaction to teasing, the way I talked, I was socially naive, I was pretty sensitive. Kids also thought I was stupid or retarded and I did take teasing seriously and I remember getting upset by it too. So when I got upset by it, I think that is what made me more of a target for teasing. Most kids would just ignore it and handle it better and then the kids move onto the other kid. That didn’t happen with me because I made myself the target. Children with autism make themselves the target because of the way they react to teasing so the kids do it more. Kids do like to pick on those who are different. Different can be normal kids or kids with disabilities.

So the author is right that being bullied doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

I think bullying attributes to anxiety. It can lead to PTSD, social anxiety, depression, and of course low self esteem. I think the bullying may have lead to my anxiety and the rejections and causing me to be depressed. By 6th grade I wanted to kill myself and was already talking about it because I couldn’t handle it anymore and I was sick and tired of not being able to be normal. I was so obsessed with the word normal and I didn’t accept myself. I did try to to up my low self esteem by doing work by myself and being proud of it no matter what grade I got. Even my mom getting upset with me about my grade didn’t change it because I did it all by myself without help so I felt normal and smart. C is average so why feel bad about it?


What if I am just being paranoid?

Sunday, September 4th, 2016

With all the stuff online about narcissism and stuff about relationship abuse and the signs of it and narcissist hoovering and their fake apologies and articles about covert narcissists faking medical conditions and covert narcissism being unrecognized by so many professionals they tend to get misdiagnosed with other conditions instead, how do any of us know if our abusers had a true mental illness? How do we know if their apologies are real? How do we know they were not a narcissist?

Jerry sent me a post that was very triggering but what if she had sent me that post because she was so upset I felt so negative about her and the damage she had done and how much she had hurt me so she had to share all her diagnoses with me so I could learn more about them and heal and move on and not be so hurt anymore? What if she had done it for me than for her? What if this was about me, not about her image? My mind is full of pipe dreams but then I remember the bad stuff so it makes me think to stay no contact with her. She abandoned me anyway. Talked to me and then disappeared again back in 2007. Now she has left me a post and disappeared again but after writing how I marked her post as spam so they will all go to spam next time so I wouldn’t see them, that makes me think of course she wouldn’t leave me more messages because I said I wouldn’t be seeing them so what would be the point? If her post gave me an anxiety attack and gave me chest pains all day and had to write about it here, of course she wouldn’t post anything else to me because maybe she doesn’t want me to have any panic attacks and make it worse for me. Maybe she didn’t send me that message to ruin my day or to get to me, maybe she sent it as a tip. It makes me feel safe when I wrote how I marked her post as spam so I wouldn’t keep seeing it and me hoping all her future messages will go to spam automatically so I wouldn’t have to see them because then I wouldn’t be hurt again when I don’t hear from her again. I can just think me writing that kept her away because what would be the point in posting on here if I won’t see it?

I hate it when my brain does this. The paranoia and then the pipe dream thinking.

My recent post

Sunday, September 4th, 2016

This was a post I wrote on a forum just now about relationships and if you ever had one.

I didn’t get my first boyfriend until I was 20 and that was a disaster. It turns out he had a undiagnosed mental illness so that probably explains his “laziness” and his “mind games” and “manipulation” and his cognitive memory issues and so on. That relationship only lasted three months.

Then I had another short relationship when I was 21 and that was also a disaster. I recently got a triggering message from my ex and she told me (back then she was a he when we were together) she had Borderline Personality Disorder (and three other medical conditions she mentioned). BPD is often compared to narcissism because they share the same features but the difference is they fear abandonment and they go from caring about you to acting like they don’t care which they call splitting. But what upset me what she denied how she treated me by saying she did none of that stuff to me she said I did. She found my blog and left a comment there. But it opened wounds again and I had anxiety all day about it because of the gaslighting and not taking any responsibility and I find it hard to believe that she cares about me to this day because if she really cared, then why would she abandon me, why would she ignore me and disappear and leave me in distress? But she admitted to the Dish Network think and said she “took too long” to give it to me and apologized for putting me through such stress. If she would have also apologized for how she treated me and take responsibility for it, that would have been fine than saying “sorry you feel this way about me.” But I am scared it’s one of those narc apologies so I didn’t approve the post and I marked it as spam so I wouldn’t see anymore of her messages in the future and I also didn’t respond to it. She didn’t want to make any amends and I could tell by how she wrote her “apology.”

TLDR: Both my relationships were a disaster because both my ex’s had too many problems and neither of them lasted long but they both had affected me.

Now I am happily married to a great guy and yes he has had to listen to my sorrow stories about my ex’s.


Imposter Syndrome

Sunday, July 17th, 2016

I had been thinking just now. In the movie Dumbo, he was singled out and made fun of because of his big ears. Did that mean he had something wrong with him and he was abnormal? He just had oversized ears. The other elephants just didn’t tolerate it and kids laughed at him about it and his mother tried to protect him only to be mistaken as a mad elephant. I am sure many people with disabilities can relate to this movie.

In Beauty and the Beast, Belle liked to read and the whole town made fun of her. Did that mean she is abnormal and had something wrong with her? She just had a different interest than other people, she liked to read and be in her own world and be somewhere else. Her own father liked to invent things, did that mean he had something wrong with him? The whole village thought he was crazy too but yet they all liked Gaston. I am sure people with disabilities, especially those with autism could relate to her and her dad because of their interests.

Then there is Ariel, she had an obsession with humans and liked collecting human things. Did that make her abnormal and mean she had something wrong with her? She didn’t conform to her kingdom norms and she kept on disobeying her father. She had her own ideas and kept following her dream and even sacrificed her voice to be with a human she was in love with. She was also in her own world because she didn’t seem to interact with her sisters. She was just too into her human interest. I am sure autistic people and introverts could relate to her.

I have noticed Disney had already made movies about differences and how some people are just different than others and making other characters make fun of them and single them out and I never thought there was something wrong with Dumbo, Belle, and Ariel. They also did it again with Finding Dory but I have yet to see the movie. I heard they had other birds make fun of this one bird and that caused a controversy. To me this was nothing new and they had already done it in their other movies which is what I had already listed.

I on the other hand communicate different, approach people different, see things differently, learn differently, I function differently and I care about people differently. What if my mother was right all along and there is nothing wrong with me? What if I don’t have a disorder and it was just other kids that were the problem and the school staff? They just didn’t understand me because I wasn’t like them so they treated me as if I were abnormal. What if it’s other people that are the problem so they ignore me? I don’t mind really because I don’t like to be bothered and I prefer to read or play my game than chit chat and being interrupted. What if that part of me is just a difference than a disability? What if I don’t have anxiety and I am just mistaken as having it because of my differences? What if I don’t have a learning disability? What if I don’t have a true disability and I am just normal? What if my mother was right and it was actually other people who are the problem? It’s a shame how intolerant people are of differences so they treat you like you have something wrong with you. Then you are dealing with “impairments” because of ignorant people who are acting like a bunch of narcissists.

I am sure there are people out there who get diagnosed with a disorder when they clearly don’t have one and their problem is just with people who don’t understand. I often see autistic people arguing that autism isn’t a disability, it’s just a difference, what if those people don’t have autism either and they are just different? They are not disabled, they do not have a disorder, they are just different but they are diagnosed because of people so a label gets placed on them? I believe the high functioning ones, especially the ones who are close to normal think like this. The ones who are truly handicapped by it wouldn’t be saying this.

Just where do we draw the line for differences and disability? Just when does difference become a disability? What if their differences was holding them back and giving them road blocks because of the way life is set up and it’s not made for their difference and what if too many people around them were just ignorant of differences so it impacted their life, is that when a doctor diagnoses them?

I am on SSDI and I often wonder if I truly belong on it and I just need to try harder or is it just my difference because of the way life is set up and ignorant people so I am seen as disabled by society?

I am reading The Difficult Child and I am puzzled about how can these children not have anything wrong with them, how can they be normal? Their differences is putting a strain on their families and affecting their learning environment and their peers and it’s also impacting their lives so how is this not a disorder they have? It’s giving them an impairment. Stanley Turecki could be one of those doctors who don’t like to label kids and he sees everyone as normal. Of course he doesn’t deny disorders don’t exist. What I learned in his book that was revised in 1989 is even kids back in the 80’s were being diagnosed when they isn’t anything wrong with them and they are just difficult so it’s not anything new that kids today are being diagnosed with disorders now just because they are different. This book gives me a different perspective and helps me understand where my mom comes from when she says I am normal and have nothing wrong with me. She read this book when I was a kid because I remember seeing her reading it and back when I saw the front cover, I felt bad because I knew I was a difficult child or else she wouldn’t be reading it. She never wanted to take me to any developmental specialists, she only took me to clinical psychologists who work with kids who have problems. That includes anxiety, depression, anger, ADHD, learning disabilities, OCD, etc but not developmental disorders or language disorders. I can also see why now she didn’t tell me about ADD or sensory processing disorder or dyspraxia when I was in 4th and 5th grade and 6th grade when I would ask what was wrong with me. She said she didn’t know what was wrong with me either and she might not have agreed with those diagnoses even though she did tell me when I was 15 I did have dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder but I had grown out of them. I asked her about ADD and she said I truly had it. But then imposter syndrome still kicks in again because I am thinking again “but what if I didn’t have any of these?” Turecki mentioned sensory issues in his book and he implied these things were normal in difficult children and he wrote difficult children are normal. But then again how can they be considered normal if they put a strain on their siblings and parents and if their issues impact their life and affecting their learning environment? When does it become a disorder?

To my mother normal means functional in society so that would mean Temple Grandin is normal and Bones. They both function well in society and get along with people even though Grandin prefers isolation. But she is still functional because she has appropriate behavior and social skills and she has a job and lives on her own and takes care of herself well. I have seen some episodes of Bones and she is also functional in that despite her poor social skills. She lives on her own, can talk to people, have conversations, gets along with everyone. I am sure my mother would consider Helen Keller as normal. Yeah she was blind and deaf but she was still functional. I wonder if she would consider my husband as normal. He isolates himself in the basement playing his computer game all day long and he doesn’t like to be around people he isn’t familiar with. He shuts down in them and he also has bad feet so it limits his daily life. The more he uses his feet, the more pain he is in and the more he has to rest them so he ends up not being able to do much because he has to rest them. They hurt too much for him to use them. When they are not hurting as bad, he can stand on them and do more until he sits down again and then he can barely walk. So using wheelchairs on our Wisconsin trip was a life saver because it allowed him to enjoy the trip because he didn’t have to use his feet and we used a wheelchair whenever they were available and we used one at the airports for him.

Rage cycle

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

I used to think what I had were called tantrums because I would scream and cry and sometimes toss things. Then I thought they were meltdowns because I came across that term when I was sixteen. Then in my twenties I learned a tantrum only stops when the kid gets what they want and they only do it with people around. A meltdown will happen even if someone isn’t in the room and it will happen even if they are one and it will still happen even after they get what they needed. It does not go away.

But my meltdowns/tantrums had always been weird I was confused about my episodes. They only seem to happen with people around because they are the trigger, they only stop when my needs are met but then I feel I have to recover and I don’t feel normal on the inside while on the outside I am fine and back to normal like nothing happened. I don’t like getting these feelings inside me, the tense, the stress, all these emotions and it’s too much for me to handle so I start to scream and yell. If anything happens like if it’s a change in life or anything too inconvenient, I start to have anxiety and it leads me to this. Then I feel I am shutting down due to all the anxiety and I am raging at people and I feel short tempered and I am yelling at my children and husband making everyone’s life a living hell around me and I always feel bad. I feel I have thrown a tantrum when I get I have wanted. But when I am alone, I still feel nervous but I am doing whatever relaxes me and there is no one around to trigger my episodes so no short temper and no screaming and feeling easily annoyed. I seemed to be between meltdowns and tantrums. This is what I mean by going crazy. Even simple tasks are too much for me to handle so I feel very apathetic and even telling em to do something can set me into rage. I always feel bad about it on the inside like why can’t I stop this? I know the only way to avoid these is if everything always went my way and nothing bad ever happens and if everything evolved around me but that is not how the world works. I will try and handle things myself for whatever is causing the anxiety because once the anxiety is gone, then these are gone because I am less anxious and more calm now.

I finally decided to ask about it online and someone brought up a photo copy of a page about Rage cycles in Asperger’s. That was the answer I was looking for because it seemed to fit and now I have an answer so I decided I better hit up Google and read more about these rage issues and learn more about them to see if they explain these. So far I read they will rumble so I looked that word up online and it said noises or sounds, I used to do that and still do sometimes. I will grunt or sigh. But it is interesting they are calling them tantrums even if they might be involuntarily. I asked online if tantrums can be involuntarily and stop when their needs are met.

My mom has also told me things I had done like things I have said during my fits and I have hit her without being aware of it. I remember her telling me when I was 11 that I had hit her with a hair brush because I got upset about something I forget what and my mom butted in and I got angrier because I felt she wasn’t on my side so I felt wronged and then she said “Give me the hair brush” and took it from me. She said later on I had hit her with it. Then I remember we talked about it when I was calm. I remember I did mope and cried and when I was calmed down, we talked. Looking back I have always been this way and I am sure I have been in therapy for it because I can remember breathing exercises I had to take and I was told to read a book to calm my mind or work on a puzzle. Right now I am doing computer and there are no kids around or my husband and my dad is working and mom is in bed sleeping so there is no triggers now. I also cleaned out the tub and sprayed it with clean stuff and wiped it down because the tub is busted. The stopper broke so it went down the drain and it’s way at the bottom so it takes two hours for the water to drain out depending on how much is in there. It was all covered in poop from my mom’s diarrhea so I used a dirty towel and got it wet and wiped it out when all the water was out and sprayed it because it stunk and now it smells clean. That also helped calmed my anxiety because I solved part of my problem.

But with kids I can’t really do things to relax my brain and to stay calm and I can’t just hide in my room and expect my kids to sit like zombies and do nothing or expect them to take care of themselves or not be so noisy and demanding. I can’t expect them to not test their limits so here is me on my own with my own issues and I feel bad because I can’t turn them off and then I feel like a bad parent because I am yelling at them. Even telling my son I am irritable and to leave me alone or to sit still or not make any loud noise doesn’t work because he will still do what he does and my daughter is too young to understand. I don’t think my son understands either even though he can talk and tell us what he needs or wants or tell us when there is a problem.

But I am glad there is a name for them. Rage Cycle they are called. When I look back, I can remember being in therapy and having to learn when my anger is coming so I will handle it before it comes out and we all had to learn what triggers them so we will do something before it gets to that level where I explode. Back then I was not aware of my own feelings and when it was coming and then I would be angry all of a sudden or upset and being impulsive. Today I can just tell my husband or my parents what I am feeling and if I do know what the trigger is, I tell them. But I hate having to use threats to get my way but luckily I don’t use threats often because I never need to because everyone listens. If it’s something I can solve myself, I do it before I get there.