Archive for May, 2016

Being sent to school sick

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016

I am sure every one of us have been sick or didn’t feel good and not be believed at one point in our life by our parents. This thread here https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/4kk86u/did_anyone_else_get_berated_for_being_sick_as_a/ here made me think just imagine if it was every time you were sick. Right away I knew that all parents do this at one point in their life but the difference is narcissists do this all the time while nons only do this at least once. My mom sent me to school sick once when I was seven. I remember I had an appointment with the ear doctor and I didn’t feel good in my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up. Mom told me I would be fine when I get to school. So after the appointment, she took me to McDonalds and got me an ice cream cone thinking it would help my stomach once I put something in it. Then when we got to school, I had to dump it in the trash because I was still eating it and my teacher didn’t allow food in class and the school principal didn’t allow food in the hallways. I remember freezing outside because I was still eating my ice cream and I didn’t know what to do so my mom told me to put it in the trash. Then once I entered my classroom building after checking in, I threw up. My teacher had to sit me at the back of the classroom as if I were in trouble and told the other kids to stay away from me because I am sick. They had to call the school principal and the school janitor and then my mother had to be called. I was sick for a few days and I remember how much it sucked. I couldn’t even have much fun and I couldn’t even eat anything without getting sick and I always had nausea. My mom didn’t berate me or get mad at me for being sick and the fact she had to come all the way back and get me. I bet she had went home only to be told she had to come back to school to get me because I had thrown up.

 

 

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Narcissists and asexuality or prudeness

Sunday, May 15th, 2016

I don’t doubt they can also be prudes and asexual because they are also human. I found a post on Lucky Otter’s Haven and it was one of her reposts to share it again and I saw I had read it months back.

Narcissists and Sex.

I decided to do some research about narcissists and asexuality and didn’t really find anything. But I found a thread on reddit.

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1v2jcs/my_nmom_is_very_prude_anyone_else_possible/

I don’t think being prude about sex is really a narcissist thing, it was just part of their personality. Not everyone likes sex and some people are asexual or a gray a. Jerry was also asexual and he was very much a prude about it and acted very immature about it. He also did not want to do any long kissing so back when I was obsessed with the movie Benny & Joon, I wanted to do long kissing to act it out and my ex kept insisting it was French Kissing. I told him I didn’t want that and I found licking tongues gross and I only wanted to do a long kiss where you keep your lips together. But he was a prude about it.

He also used sex against me even though he knew I didn’t want it all the time and when I said I was close to asexual I meant I can live without sex and I won’t go depressed if I go without it for weeks and days and months. I only have it if I want to have kids and then it will be all the time until I conceive. I may crave it once in a while and then I am done and don’t want it again.

But Jerry saw me as sexual so he used it against me. He saw anything about me as me being sexual and I made jokes about it and laughed about it and he saw that as me being sexual and used it against me. Now I know he was probably doing it for control because he is a narcissist duh. His intention was to hurt me and make me doubt myself. It’s all about control. But yet if we go by logic here about me being sexual in his view, he was also sexual. He would also talk about it and he mentioned how he would have it with his ex because she wanted it and he would tell me how her youngest daughter had it with another boy and he called it hot dog and bun. He also kept saying how he feels he is with a five year old or with an eight year old and it makes him feel like a pedophile and he didn’t want people to think he is one. Isn’t that also sexualizing, if he was so asexual, then wouldn’t he also not have felt that way about me? He may not have been into having sex and it’s a myth that asexuals are not sexual but they can be sexual. They can be sexual in their own ways but they just do not like sex, they will masturbate, have sexual fetishes, they just are not sexually attracted to someone but they can still have a relationship. They can still do sex for the sake of their partner. I don’t doubt he was truly asexual and that he found sex gross and he also didn’t like kissing but he liked short kisses. He also liked hugs and cuddles and being rubbed. People can see that as him being sexual. I didn’t and I didn’t use it against him like he did with me just because I liked certain things.

A year ago a person makes a post on Reddit about her Ndad being a prude and uses sex to shame her

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2qo9d7/my_ndad_is_a_prude_who_uses_sex_to_shame_and/

So while asexuality and being a prude have nothing to do with narcissism, they can sure use sexuality against you and insist you are sexual and use it against you while others will use sexuality against you and call you a prude for not wanting sex or doing what they want. I also read they will withhold sex from you. I heard about lot of women doing it but I doubt they’re all narcissists. I am guilty of trying it myself but it was ineffective because I don’t have sex that much so it didn’t mater if I wouldn’t have it. Narcissists can do the same thins nons do but it’s about intention behind it. Narcissists will do it for control, a non might do it because she is tired of her husband not picking up after himself for example. But I read doing that will backfire because the man will either resent his wife or start cheating on her for sex because she is withholding it from him and they will see it as a form of control and they call it a game. To a woman’s view she is doing it because she doesn’t see why she should keep on having it with him if he is going to be a slob and not pick up after himself and she is tired of nagging him and telling him over and over to do it. Just shows how men and women’s brains work different. but yet I read it’s okay to not have sex if you are mad and upset and not in the mood.   If it happened often where a woman didn’t want sex because her partner’s messiness always got her too upset to even have it with him, then that would mean they were both incompatible and I can see their relationship failing due to lack of sex and because the man won’t start being neat for the sake of his partner.

 

Has society created more disabilities

Sunday, May 15th, 2016

I have been reading stuff by Enrico Gnaulati. He speaks uncomfortable truths about ADHD, Bipolar, and autism spectrum disorders being over diagnosed. It’s true that school systems have changed, education has changed, work places have changed and so has getting a job. Even back in the days it seemed like more people who were mentally handicapped were employed and now today they are on social security and living in group homes or at home unemployed and less of them have jobs but yet more of them are employed than people are with autism spectrum disorders.

Enrico writes how autism diagnoses have increased over the years. In 1991, it was 1 in 500 and by 2002 it was 1 in 150 and now today it’s 1 in 68 and he has written several times already how it’s 1 in 42 boys who have autism. But he has also written that toddlers who met the criteria at two no longer fit it at age four and so on. He also wrote about how kids who are in early intervention are more likely to be mislabeled by Kindergarten. Also he has written how slow to mature kids are more likely to be diagnosed. Also he has written how kids can mimic symptoms of Bipolar or autism or ADHD when in fact the kid is going through stress factors, the kid has learned they have to act up to get attention because their parents don’t pay them any attention so if acting up is the only way to get it, they will do it, and also to have ADHD, symptoms have to happen in school and at home, not in school only. If a kid is fine at home but is having symptoms at school, then it’s the classroom that is the problem. Kids are expected to sit still for longer periods of time, recess is less given to kids, recess is taken away, some kids are more active than others, some kids have a different learning style, some are just gifted, some are just introverted.

Enrico also wrote a book called Back to Normal and it’s about when ordinary kids get diagnosed with ADHD, Bipolar, and autism spectrum disorder. You can peek inside the book and read some of it and it goes into detail about how this happens. He is not denying that these conditions exist, some kids do truly have ADHD or autism.

He also wrote somewhere that autism is more diagnosed in the states than it is in the UK because eccentric is more accepted there while in the states, people are placed into square pegs and if you are not in that box, they pathologize your personality.

I had been thinking about what if people are disabled because of society. There are people out there who have true disabilities so no matter what changes, their disability will always be there but for people like me, we are only disabled because of the way the system is. Teachers teach subjects a certain way and you are forced to do them a certain way but if you have a different learning style and it’s not taught in your style, you have a learning disability. Back in my parents’ childhood days, people with poor social skills were just weird and eccentric. Now today they are considered disabled because you now need good social skills for employment. It is no longer acceptable to be different. It used to be so easy to just get a job then but people have gotten less trusting and now you need work experience, cover letters, recommendations and that creates roadblocks for people like me so that makes me disabled. Plus they now have personality tests to screen out people and I think that is a loophole to not hire people who have social disabilities so you would have to lie and you better be good at “faking it.”

Also Enrico wrote about kids who are slow to mature, what if their slow to mature caused them an impairment in school and with their peers? Also what if your differences caused you to be singled out and bullied in school? What if your slow to mature caused you to be misunderstood by your parents so you were in trouble more? Then you graduate and then all of a sudden all your social problems disappear because you are able to find people who accept you and are not intolerant  of differences and plus adults are too busy with their lives to even bother harassing someone who is a little different just because they do not conform to social norms like fashion, interests, socializing.

But I wonder something, can one be autistic in the states but not be autistic in the UK because of different standards? What about people who move to foreign countries but do not speak their language as their primary language? It will not come natural to them so they will always need to translate and I am sure they will find social situations exhausting when talking to people and listening and they might always need an interpreter but yet that wouldn’t be an impairment or a disability?  If they took away their accommodations, they would be disabled in that country until they go back to their fluent speaking country where their language is primary.

Imagine if we took away all the ramps and elevators, then people in wheelchairs and who have problems with going up and down the stairs and who use crutches would be even more disabled. That is how I feel about people who are a bit different. In one country they might have a disability but go to another culture, they don’t have one because of their standards and their social rules that fit with their condition.

I do believe they have stretched autism. It could be because times have changed so now people who were just quirky, eccentric are now struggling so they get labeled as being autistic.

I talked to my husband yesterday saying what if our son is just normal and it’s just the school that is the problem and it doesn’t fit with his personality and what if it’s just us parents with the problem and our standards are just too high. My husband reassured me he does have ADHD and he has been with lots of kids and they don’t act that way and he knows his nephew and he acted the same as our son does. He also told me his symptoms are still there when he is still around him but he is just controlling them better but they are still there so he is trying. I can imagine how much energy he must be using to sit still, not act up, not get into trouble more than an average child who doesn’t have it. But he just controls it less around me because I shut down because I get overwhelmed so I leave.

Only time our son is ever still is when he is playing video games or watching youtube. Of course because it’s a stimulant. That is what I read online about ADHD. They may be fidgety and always on the move but yet they are able to sit still when playing a computer game or when doing something they enjoy because it’s a stimulant for them. But make them sit still during a lecture or when you are talking or during a movie or a game, too hard for them to sit still. But even as a parent I have no idea what behavior is normal for a five year old and what behavior is ADHD. All I can do is compare him to other five year olds but I don’t know any others all the time I can see to know what is normal and what isn’t. But I do know for certain his behavior isn’t normal in school or else other kids there would be having the same trouble as him and I was already having troubles with him at home and in public so I was sure he would be having trouble in school and I was right but with support in place, he has been doing much better. Take it away, he will be back to having behavior issues again and acting worse because he would be having anxiety because he is always in trouble and he would hate school and resent it.

I was even worried what if my behavior was just pathologized when I was a kid and what if my impairments were just bigoted kids and lack of tolerance and there really was nothing wrong with me? What if I was just picked on by school staff? I also had problems at home too but what if I was just slow to develop and mature as Enrico said? What if the only thing I have “wrong” with me is I am just different than having a true impairment? Sure I had a language delay. What if my slow maturity is what gave me problems because of lack of understanding and I am sure all kids get from time to time “How old are you?” “Start acting your age” Quit being a baby” but I heard it a lot as a child so that was a normal thing for me to hear and I never knew how to act my age. I wouldn’t even know I was being immature but I did notice there were rules for how to act and react and each age group had their own rules and it seemed like kids automatically knew those rules and I didn’t. Just imagine being new to a university but no one bothers to hand you their handbook about their campus and that has their policies in it and none of the teachers don’t bother telling you the rules in their classroom like about late work assignments, redoing them, making up for them you missed, and if you are tardy or miss a class, etc. Wouldn’t you be anxious? Wouldn’t you always have to be learning things the hard way and you would probably be asking a bunch of questions because you want to understand and know the rules. When you are a child, you will react differently. You will test your limits and see what you can and can’t do, you will keep on making mistakes and learning that isn’t allowed. You will keep on getting into trouble and it will seem like to the adult you never learn and don’t follow the rules. You can’t expect a child to ask a bunch of questions to learn the rules.

My mother has told me she always knew I had something and she knew I had more going on than just a language delay but then she turns around and says to me a month ago that I am very normal and the only thing I had was a language delay. What? Whatever happened to she knew I had something and what about all these diagnoses I have had before Asperger’s? Was I a victim of labels as Enrico described? Am I just disabled by society because of the way life is set up, the education, work, school? Is this what my mother meant by I am normal, it’s just society that is the problem? Sure I can do anything but the thing is people have to let me do it if they will just hire me instead of requiring experience and cover letters and so on. But my husband has a true disability because he will always have a disability no matter what changes in life. He has severe dyslexia, brain damage so it keeps him from memorizing numbers and letters so it makes him mess up in math so he would be a terrible cashier, he also can’t write due to dyslexia and he would write too slow, he had bad birth defects in his ankles so that also limits him.

I can understand now why so called people who have autism say they are not disabled an they don’t see autism as a disability. I tend to think these ones are on the high end of the spectrum and just quirky and eccentric and I bet they wouldn’t have anything wrong with them if they lived in my parents childhood days, they would just be very smart and eccentric and absent minded. Now today it’s a disability. Their impairment would be society because of their standards they have at work and for education.

I can understand why my mother would say I am not broken, there is nothing wrong with me and big fucking deal if I have Asperger’s and anxiety. There are people with it who are truly disabled by it and more limited because autism is a disabling condition. It is not a quirk or a personality. It’s a shame that people have to get a label thrown at them just so they can get the help they need and so they can function but yet people who are slow learners are fucked because they slip through the cracks. That I don’t understand. It also impairs them too unless they also have a true disability or some other “impairment” that impairs them, then they are not fucked.

But what would Enrico suggest to parents of kids who have different learning styles, are not accepted by their peers due to difference and who are slower to develop but it’s causing them a significant impairment in occupational settings? Not all parents can home school or find a private school to suit their needs. There are people out there who do grow up different and then they become adults and they grow out of their social issues and problems because they learn how to manage them and they can also pick their environment that suits them. Kids don’t get this choice so they have behavior issues in school and get labeled and get special education. Then they become normal when they leave high school, go figure. But then there are people out there who never stop being different. I used to think I would grow out of my learning problems and being different but that never happened. But I did grow out of being treated different and that still happens occasionally. I also grew out of being bullied and harassed. Some people never leave that so is it society that is the problem? Are those people living in the wrong area where everyone is closed minded? Then professionals have to put a label on them and declare them disabled and they end up on Social Security. Then I see people online complain about “moochers” and people “abusing” the system. My argument is if they will start hiring people who are different and stop discriminating based on body language and what clothes they wear and how they live their lives, and get rid of the road blocks, less people would be on Social Security.

So my mom is right, I am not disabled, I am only disabled by society.

Sources:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/04/1-in-68-children-now-has-a-diagnosis-of-autism-spectrum-disorder-why/360482/

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/09/adhd-or-childhood-narcissism/279660/

http://www.salon.com/2013/09/21/thats_not_autism_its_simply_a_brainy_introverted_boy/

My voice gets very high pitched when upset

Friday, May 13th, 2016

I also have an anxiety disorder so that makes me over react and freak out about things lot of people wouldn’t get upset about. I have money anxiety and I like to have our savings account untouched. It’s only used for emergencies and for car maintenance and it’s not to use for bills and fun stuff. We owed our parents money for the plumbing we had fixed to my dad finally took it out which is fine but the thin that gave me a freak out and got me very upset was when he told me he took other money out and I started to panic and freak out like our money had been getting taken as in stolen. He told me it was for other money we owed him. Owed him in what? What else did we owe him for. He said it was for bills. i freak out because we use our banking for bills, not our savings and I am very upset and I get very repetitive in speech.

When I get very upset my voice gets very high pitched, I get repetitive, and I am hard to console and calm down. Then my day is ruined and I can’t relax and I need to be alone and I am crabby and can’t be bothered by anyone and I am in no mood to communicate with anyone except for online.

But good thing I took back our card that is access to our savings because I don’t want my dad to keep taking money from it because he gets impulsive and doesn’t think and he knows I have anxiety but he still continues to tell me about money stuff and then he wonders why I am freaking out and getting too upset “over nothing.” But he can still access our account just by going to the bank and getting money out but he always needs the card for it so I feel safe because it makes it less likely to happen. My husband said he would pay back the money to our savings. I hope he can because we never can pay it back which is why I freaked out so I still feel upset about it and thinking what if he can’t do it and now I will be freaking out when he buys something we don’t need and when he wants to eat out or do anything fun because we have to go on a saving spree now to pay back the money, anything extra we have left over goes to the banking account and since our son will be done with his school soon, there will be no more monthly payments for the school and we can use part of that money to pay it back. He has taken money from our savings in the past just to buy stuff he wanted and I dunno if he ever paid it back because my husband handles it all so it’s always my fear he will spend our savings. It’s under his name because of Social Security and they don’t allow you to have above $3,000 for a married couple on it. It sucks because how in the hell are people on it supposed to have money for emergencies or to pay for car insurance, it’s like they want them to remain poor and broke.

But how is this any different than autism, I have no idea. They both get upset over things lot of people wouldn’t get upset about and they also have things a certain way and also get upset if it gets messed with like my dad did with my savings because I also have it a certain way and use it a certain way. To me they’re both the same but yet they also call it an anxiety disorder and why am I diagnosed with both is beyond me because that is like diagnosing an autistic person with dyspraxia or sensory processing disorder when they are part of it because of sensory and poor coordination issues and issues with motor skills. I have always liked things the same way as long as I can remember and would also get very upset if it got messed with. But back then it probably looked like me being a cry baby and over emotional and that I needed to toughen up and stop crying like a baby. That is what my mom used to tell me “stop crying like a two year old.” Back then I was baffled about her reaction because why would you get upset with someone for being upset because someone else had upset them by touching their things or messing it up or ruining it or taking things from them?

The assessments finally

Friday, May 6th, 2016

I finally got the assessment pages back from my son’s teacher. I looked at her answers and they were nearly consistent on the autism questionnaire one but on the ADHD one the answers were very different and I looked on the other one and it was totally different so I couldn’t compare our answers. But as I was looking through all of them, I was thinking of ADHD it sounded like. Teacher marked he isn’t anxious or nervous and then marked he is with her other answers. I don’t know what that will tell the professionals with those contradictions. But it was a relief to see the answers because it meant my husband and I were not exaggerating or being bias. I had my husband help me with the questions because I wanted his opinion and I would mark the answers. I also think it’s not that we are being bias, our home environment is different because we don’t have high demands for him like the school does so he will have less problems at home. But one thing I found is the teacher marked that he has a hard time with emotions and my mom doesn’t agree with that. I said maybe that is only for school so she thinks it’s just anxiety. But at home his anxiety is gone. The teacher also marked he has odd behavior and my mom also disagrees with that too. I would have to know what is this weird behavior they are talking about. Kids viewed me as weird and strange when I was a child and also thought I was stupid or retarded but my mom didn’t think either of those things. Instead she used to tell me what things to not do or else kids will think I am weird like “don’t smell the paper or kids will think you are weird.” She said that to me the night before I started my new school after I was taken out of my self contained classroom. I remember she was drying my hair after she had washed it.

The big envelope is now ready to be mailed back and now I will look forward to his big appointment.

New Music Obsessions

Wednesday, May 4th, 2016

I go through cycles of favorite songs where I play a same song over and over. Here are the ones I have been listening to lately:

For some reason as young teen, this song always annoyed me because the game played it too much. But then again they played lot of the songs too much it was like they couldn’t come up with any other songs for the game so they reused them for their levels. Big Boo’s Haunt was the only level with its own song.

For some reason the beginning of this song sounds like it’s farting. But it was one of my favorite Beach Boys songs when I was seven.

The meeting

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2016

I am still working on the school transfer and turned the correct forum in this time. I also had a meeting at the school this morning about my son’s IEP for next year. They obviously think he has autism because they had the autism specialist there and she already knew my son and has seen him at his preschool and observed him there. I didn’t even argue about the label because then they would have thought I am in denial. I know my son has some challenges but I know he is not autistic. I have set up the upcoming testing appointment at Kaiser for him on the 6th of next month and then I will go from there after getting the results and if he gets any new diagnoses. Instead I told them how normal my son is at home and he gets along with his sister and fights with her but he does normal kid stuff. The sibling fighting, not always wanting to play with her and getting mad at her. I also told them how he doesn’t have problems at home that he does at school so reading the report was like I was reading about another child. The speech therapist there told me lot of parents don’t see disabilities in their children. I couldn’t argue or disagree about the stuff in school because I was never there to see it so I can only go by what they have said. Instead I only focused on his needs and what his issues are and what needs to be worked on. But I think it all went well.

But one thing I didn’t agree with was when the autism specialist thought we needed outside support for at home the district provides but I told her we didn’t need that right now because I have my husband and my parents and she said I could use it for back up like if we ever need a break from our kid. He isn’t challenged. She also said for when we go out in public too and I said he does fine in public. Yes my son may have problems with waiting in line and problems with tantrums and whining and getting his way and the hyperactivity and the boredom but he acts better when my husband is with because my son seems to be more behaved and in more control but with me alone, I can’t handle it so I just leave him at home with my husband or parents when I go out alone. So we don’t need outside help from the school district. If I were single then maybe but it would be for my own anxiety sake because I can’t handle him alone when he does the whining and not taking no for an answer and getting rambunctious and then I start to get real anxious and tense and it makes it harder for me to focus and it also affects how I function. And if I need a break from my son, he is big enough to be off by himself out in the backyard or in his room or be in a room by himself or I can just plop him in front of Youtube that will keep him entertained for hours. That is the only time he can actually sit still and be quiet and not be so loud and noisy and hyper and there isn’t any whining and tantrums.