Archive for December, 2016

It all worked out

Friday, December 30th, 2016

I finally got it all taken care of. My husband came home and it turns out he got it after I went to work and he forgot to tell me. He had it on a shelf in the dining room so today I took it in to get it faxed off along with the birth certificate. I took it to the same place again to get it faxed off but they had a new policy, they didn’t fax stuff anymore due to safety reasons. Some things are protected to if they put in the wrong number, someone else could get access to those records and it wouldn’t be good. So I had to go to a post office and it cost me $2 to do it. Luckily I had change in my car. Then it was all over and I am so glad this is behind.

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The pain about my family

Thursday, December 29th, 2016

I fucking hate life. Life would be a lot easier if other people didn’t mess with your mail, out it in the same spot for me to see it, if OHP didn’t make anyone have social security number for their kids, etc.

So I had to wait two hours to get my daughter;s social security card right before Christmas, then I had to go to the health clinic to get her record to prove she is alive, then I came back the next day before opening and had to wait about an hour with the forum filled out to hand it in along with the proof she is alive and they said it would be two weeks for the card to come. Well today comes and I never saw it came so I asked my dad about it only to find out the card did come and he gave it to my husband and  no one told me. That made me angry. Everyone knew I was waiting for that card because I needed her number so I could give to the state to keep her health insurance. My dad didn’t tell me because he thought my husband would tell me. Dad told me my husband said he put it in the safe so I looked and it wasn’t in there. I start to have anxiety so I am calling him frantically and decided I will keep on calling until he picks u because my anxiety was springing out of control. I worked hard getting that card and I felt I accomplished it for nothing and now I would have to do it all over again and it feels like I am having a mental breakdown now because I worked so hard to get it. All that effort. Now I am having crying spells and can’t be around anyone because I feel so ill now mentally. How could anyone do this to me? I have been checking the mail and never saw it. But I forgot to check yesterday but my dad said it came about couple days ago so it’s been here. Now I might have to go back and do it all over again and also call the state to tell them what happened so they can give me more time. I hope they will be more understanding because of my incompetent father and husband and this is not good for my mental health and no one seems to understand my anxiety and how important this is. now I feel like an incompetent parent because my own anxiety is isolating me from my children because I want to be alone. Who would take care of them if it weren’t for my parents? My husband isn’t here. Now I am working on that phone cal to tell the what happened to relieve my anxiety and after I get a hold of them I will go to the office again tomorrow and get the forum and fill it out again and then go get that letter again to bring to the office again and this time make a copy of it so I won’t have to go back and then do it all over again but this time it will be quicker and that is if my husband says he never got the card. I just called them and they aid they can’t help with personal problems. They just don’t care and all they care is they need it in by the due date. Now I am panicking again.

I decided I am going to get dressed and get the forums again and fill then out and go get the records again from the health clinic and make copies of it but first i will check my first first to see if I have it because I can’t remember if they took it and handed it back or not.

This is hell.

Edit: great my parents won’t let me leave so more panic and my dad doesn’t know where it is but says it’s in the house.

 

How I feel about those autism hate sites

Thursday, December 29th, 2016

Often times we will see articles about how bad borderlines are and what the red flags are and what makes them toxic people. I see the same written about NPD and psychoapaths and yes those are mental illnesses to rather people want to believe it or not.

I see the same with Asperger’s. I will see hate sites out there warning other people about being in a relationship with them and how harmful they are and how abusive they are.

Now what do I think of these sites, I believe these were created by women who were deeply hurt by their ex who happened to have it or believed they did. I see the same about borderlines too and NPDs and psychopaths and personality disorders. Some do armchair diagnose. I armchair diagnosed mine with covert narcissism but it turned out she was BPD  if she was telling the truth but I still feel she acted very narcissist and a covert one. Talk about overlap and some victims do believe covert narcissism and BPD are the same.

People will express their hurt differently. Some will just suffer in silent and only talk about things their ex did while some others will be hateful about their ex and make fun of them and their problems and make hate posts about them and hate pages on them while some do the extreme and make hates pages on their disorder telling everyone how bad people are with it and warning everyone to stay away from them. There is even a hate group on autism on the Delphi forums. It’s mostly women in it and not all of them are bad and hateful but those ones always stand out and they will make fun of their ex’s and hate on autism. Even the group owner is very hostile towards anyone who is on the spectrum ad will boot and silence anyone if she thinks you’re on it and she will even ban people if she thinks they’re aspies. She has gotten very paranoid and thinks a user from Wrongplanet is trolling there and making different accounts posing as an NT so she bans that user. I remember the time another NT was banned from that group because she was posting on Wrongplanet so the owner assumed she was an ASD but she took it well.

How did I handle my hurt on my ex’s. Well with Jayden I made fun of him behind his back so I even wrote a story about him making fun of my situation and in the story the girlfriend would get tired of him being lazy and not wanting to work so she decides to make him wear diapers so she gives him a choice, either he moves out or wear diapers and he complains how “retarded” that all is but because he doesn’t want to move back home, he goes with diapers. My husband would tease me about him from time to time saying “No wonder you wanted to put him in diapers, he was an adult baby.” When I watched an episode of South Park where the boys got addicted to a computer game and there was someone in the game who was cheating so the boys had to kill a bunch of animals to gain experience points to level up to kill off the character so he would stop killing other characters who didn’t have high experience points because he had so many. The user was fat and messy and lazy so I said to my mother they had made a whole show on Jayden and my mom laughed and said my little brother said that exact same thing and said this is something I should watch because it’s about my ex.

Then there was Jerry. I also talked about her for a while until my parents said they were sick of hearing about her and she was out of my life now so move the fuck on so I would talk to my husband about it and he listened and supported me. I also went on a posting rampage on Wrongplanet about her talking about the stuff she has said t me about me and other things and about how I was treated. I knew she lurked there but I just didn’t care. I wanted her to see my pain and suffering and after finding out about narcissism, I regretted what I did because it meant she probably enjoyed the pain she gave me and had  a good laugh at my suffering because I gave her the attention she wanted.

While I did those things, some will go out of their way and create websites or hate groups on a condition while some will make a blog about their ex and post their real name and I hear someone did actually do that on here and then within a week, her blog was gone and hadn’t been back up since. I did see someone who did that (I wonder if that was the same person) and her intent was to destroy him and to warn any other women who are dating him and when they Google his name they will find her blog and find other news articles about him the bad stuff he has done and the man will suffer forever and be ruined.

Then if course I have heard about women wanting to get revenge on their ex’s after being hurt by them. Reason why I am saying women is because the stories are mostly by them than by guys.

Every hurt person handles it differently.

 

 

One of my problems I have

Tuesday, December 27th, 2016

So in my story Natalie’s son had passed away so she doesn’t tell her mother the sad news because she didn’t want her to be upset on the plane and at the airport. Her mother got upset for not being told the news sooner. My reader implied with his comment that this was wrong what Natalie did in my story. I told him how my mother didn’t tell me she had cancer so she waited until she was handling it to tell me and her father also didn’t tell her about her nephew being very sick back when she was in her twenties because he also didn’t want her to worry. She lived all the way in Montana then. But when I asked my “friend” if it was wrong what my mother did about her cancer, his response was if I am worried as Natalie is, then he understands my mother.

That response implied she was right what she did so I then asked him if what my grandfather did about my cousin was wrong and I am still awaiting an answer.

So this is where I have troubles because they all look the same to me and I generalize it and I guess I generalize too much. My husband will even tell me what someone did was okay in that one situation and I stop what I am doing. He calls it me taking it literal. It’s as if I am  black and white here.

Even when I was 16 I compared a puppy peeing in the house to a ten year old boy shooting his little sister and my mom said that was where I have trouble and then she had to explain how both situations are entirely different. Yes they are both wrong for their behavior but she had to tell me how different shooting your little sister as a child is compared to peeing in the house when you are an animal. Then she made the analogy about it’s like saying this is a house and that is a house referring to our former home we used to live in. They are both houses but the house we were now living in was about 4,000 square feet while the other house was around 1500. You can’t compare the two and say they are both the same. Things you can do in the 4000 SQ house you can’t do in a 1500 SQ house due to lack of space.

When I was with Jerry, I could remember her telling me she doesn’t believe lot of things I say about my family and if what I am saying is all true about them, then they are the rudest family she has ever heard about and ever met. I told her things like when people wake up, they are always loud and don’t stay quiet and they turn on lights and it doesn’t matter if you are sleeping. But at least she understood I wasn’t lying and this was all perspective and my point of view and how it looks to me. I forget right now what other things I told her about my family whenever she complained about my behavior.

Even in my therapist office when I was 17, I would be talking to my therapist and I told him about how my 17 year old neighbor was sleeping and me and my pesky neighbor were expected to be quiet but it was day time and she should be up and she didn’t work graveyard and she could just move into the bedroom and sleep. My therapist then explained to me how that family might have a different rule than my own family. In my own family, people could be loud at their normal volume and not respect your sleep if it wasn’t early in the morning anymore and if you wanted quiet, move to your bedroom to continue sleeping.

It might even look like I am justifying my behavior when I point out what I have seen other people do and what I have learned in life but all I want is if I am missing something, do tell me how they are both very different and explain why they are not the same and why it’s different. I just have troubles understanding. Why I have this issue I don’t know why but it’s just part of who I am. I would ask other autistic people if they have this issue but I don’t know how to ask it to make them understand what I am asking. I tend to write too long of posts.

I love my new phone

Sunday, December 25th, 2016

This is my first time ever I have a phone that is up to date and modern instead of outdated. So I am able to do normal stuff on it. I am able to play Pokemon Go and it’s a lot easier to play and I can play other apps on it. I have downloaded several games already but deleted them because it was hard to play because of the touch screen and I couldn’t get it to respond to my fingers movement. I also downloaded Miitomo and it feels so great to have that app back and they did lot of changes to it. I also got a Google Play card for $15 from my brother so I got Castle of illusion only to end up deleting it because it was hard to play it. It was hard to get Mickey to jump left. Now I have $15 dollars again and I got Skopkins Chef Club (free app) and scanned all my Shopkins I got for Christmas but I still haven’t opened the other two packs yet. Plus this phone has larger space 16 GB. I also use google photos for back up so all my pictures go there. It’s too bad data doesn’t go onto the SD card but photos and movies. Plus I get internet on my phone and I can work Kindle on it. Kindle quit working on my old phone and the internet didn’t work well on it.

But I can enjoy all the free games now and uninstall them after I get done playing them. It’s too bad I can’t get the touch screen to respond to my finger movements well but yet the other touch games work fine like Pokemon Go and Chef’s Club and Kindle and other things. Just games where you have to play them like a video game like you do on TV and on your 3DS is where I have troubles playing. I don;t know what I am going to do with $15 and plus the extra $15 Google Play card my husband gave me he also got from my brother. I still wished it was an eshop card or a Gamestop card. I didn’t get any this year so I am going to have to use my own money to buy games because I have a discount coupon that is about to expire next month.

Back to Pokemon Go

Friday, December 23rd, 2016

I finally got a new phone so I am back to playing Pokemon Go but unfortunately I had to make a new account because once you delete the game, you have to start over. It doesn’t keep all your information and it doesn’t have a sign in feature where you can log into your account. But since last night  I have caught 24 Pokemon and already on level 5. The game works a lot better on my new phone and the GPS works in the game and it doesn’t throw me in Texas or make me skip from one spot to another or put me in the wrong locations in the same area and the game follows me when I move. Plus more Pokemon keep appearing than they did on my husband’s old phone.

Tickle Me Elmo song

Friday, December 23rd, 2016

This song is not by Weird Al. He is misscredited as doing this song. This song always made me think of Jungle All the Way because people are going after a Tickle Me Elmo like Howard and the postman were doing with Turboman.

 

 

 

The time my mom made me look like a liar

Sunday, December 18th, 2016

I remember when I was sixteen, I was seeing my therapist. I told him how my dad throws things and slams things when he is mad. That was the way things were in our household, that is what we do. So one day he asks my mother about it and my mom denies it all that those things happen in our home. She didn’t even say my father does it sometimes when he is mad. So it made me look like a liar who is looking for excuses to justify her behavior. I was so confused about why my mom would deny my dad does these things. I knew I wasn’t crazy.

Now that I am an adult it dawned on me that my mother had lied to my therapist because she feared he would get the wrong idea about our household and involve social services because he is a mandatory reporter. I think they had that then in 2001 but I could be wrong. So she didn’t want to tell him that her own husband has done those things before and it doesn’t happen all the time so she flat out denied it instead. Who is going to believe the child?

Would this count as gaslighting or is it just called wanting to protect the family from CPS and and trouble? If her intention was to protect her family and my father, it probably wouldn’t be gaslighting then. But she didn’t tell me after the session that I needed to be quiet about our family  and not ever mention my dad’s temper again and things he does when he gets upset. Maybe because she knew my therapist would just believe her over me because she is the parent and I am the child and kids are always wrong and kids with disabilities. This was the only time when my mom discredited what I said and flat out denied it because she didn’t explain what I was talking about. In the past she would listen to what I would say and try and get to the bottom of it to figure out where that came from and get the real story. She didn’t do it again that time.

Hints Santa wasn’t real

Saturday, December 17th, 2016

There have always been hints in my childhood that Santa wasn’t real and I didn’t pick up on those hints. They were:

My parents used the same wrapping paper Santa had for our presents

I have found Christmas presents in the attic

I have found presents in our house and then got them from Santa

I want a Little Mermaid Aquarium and instead my best friend Stephanie got it, same thing happened to my brother, he wanted a Sonic doll but his best friend got it instead

I saw my grandfather and my dad making my dollhouse and I got it from Santa when in fact they made it in the garage and my parents brought it back from Montana on top of their mini van

Santa never got us everything we wanted for Christmas

My bullies still got presents

There were Santas at every mall

 

And I never figured out Santa wasn’t real until in 3rd grade when my best friend Ashia told me he wasn’t real and our parents were the Santas. I felt happy because that explained the mistakes he has made and why we never got everything for Christmas and why he used the same wrapping paper as my parents and why I would get toys from him that were already in my house my parents had away. That also explained why he had magic to go around the country and deliver the presents and why he could be at every mall at once and why each country had their own version of Santa. I also read online that parents will intentionally leave hints for their kids to figure out but mine always made excuses for the hints we saw like Santa needs help so they store the presents for him, Santa is too busy to wrap every present and so are the elves so they need their help too, Santa can’t give you everything you want or he will run out of toys and the other kids wouldn’t get any, Santa did make a mistake giving your friend that present you wanted or he felt your friend deserved it more because he only had one. And my reason for why my parents made the doll house and brought it out to our home is because it would be too big to fit it down the chimney so my parents had to bring it out for him. That was my 6 year old logic there.

But sadly after I figured it out, I got less presents every year so I thought that was because I didn’t believe in him so I was being punished. But it was just a coincidence because the Sears Outlet store had shut down so my mom wasn’t able to find presents at a very good price anymore and that was where she got most of our Santa presents. Plus my mom has said we never got that many presents but it seemed like a lot because I was little so it looked like a lot to me. I did get a lot of presents in 1995 but most of them were from my relatives and my parents, very few were from Santa so I thought at age ten that was my punishment for not believing in him even though my brothers got a little as I did but I thought they were being punished too because of me. So I tried to believe in him again and we didn’t get lot of presents again.

 

 

I think I might have some PDA

Saturday, December 17th, 2016

What is PDA?

http://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

It’s only recognized in the UK and nowhere else in the world. ODD and PDA sound very much the same but for PDA it’s the damand in place that causes the person anxiety while for someone with ODD, it’s dislike of authority. But they still sound very much the same and even the behavior is very much the same but with PDA it seems to be more anxiety based.

  • resists and avoids the ordinary demands of life
  • appearing sociable, but lacking depth in understanding
  • excessive mood swings and impulsivity
  • comfortable in role play and pretend, sometimes to an extreme extent
  • language delay, often with good degree of catch-up
  • obsessive behaviour, often focussed on people.

I fit almost everything on the list. I didn’t demand ordinary demands on a day to day basis because I respected certain people better such as my own parents and I listened to certain people better than others and I did have a language delay but that was more likely due to hearing loss and it took me years to catch up in language. But no one really knows if I still would have had a language delay without any hearing loss because most kids catch up quickly after having tubes inserted in their ears. Then they hear again and catch up in their language development and I didn’t do that so I was given an early diagnoses of language disorder.

Because there isn’t a lot of information about it, I am not able to read into depth about it to understand the symptoms more and degree but I know I have always had issues with follow directions and listening to people and I will sometimes purposely not do things if it’s been a demand placed on me and I had an issue with listening to baby sitters growing up and being good with my grandparents when my parents would go out. I never understood why I had troubles with authority without my parents around. I have always gotten obsessed with people and attached to them and to this day it still happens but what i do about it is I will purposely avoid that person so I am not stalking them and making them uncomfortable and I have always gotten obsessed with characters from movies. I still get anxiety when I have to do things but it’s always been called anxiety. I will even put it off and not do it because it’s a demand in place. I don’t think I would have enough to qualify to actually have PDA but I have some of it I believe but not enough for it to hold me back but enough for it to annoy me but I can still get through it. I have gotten better though and my mom used to say I was impulsive when I was a kid and my therapist I saw in high school said I had some oppositional defiance but he didn’t say I had ODD. My mom admits I did have behavior but it was anxiety.

PDA comes off to me as having anxiety because of the demands so I wonder if anxiety pills would work with it. I have only read about extreme cases about this so it makes me look normal because I didn’t yell and scream at my parents or hit them or get in fights in school and suspended and I still functioned in school. But like I say there isn’t a lot of information about it so I can’t really read into depth about it to see how much it fits and how mild someone can have it to see if it fits or if I just have some of it but not enough to actually have it. But reading the whole list made me feel I was reading about my childhood. But when I am very calm, I am fine. It’s when I am anxious is when I start acting out and being defiant and avoident and I have behavior.

My school even tried to say I had a behavior disorder so the AS diagnoses saved me from being put in a behavior class.  My mother thinks they were trying to do that because their system they had for me wasn’t working for me so they wanted to just get rid of me and needed a reason for it so they looked for one. The diagnoses of anxiety disorder alone wouldn’t have given me the help I needed to the degree I needed. I am sure diagnosing these kids with anxiety disorders than PDA wouldn’t have given them the same amount of support they need if theirs was only be treated as having just anxiety.

And an interesting thing, I saw in my records from my preschool I attended that I manipulate kids and adults. I didn’t ask what that meant.  Also parents of PDA kids feel the autism and AS diagnoses doesn’t seem to fit and that is what my mom said about mine. I wonder what she would think if I showed her this article?