Archive for the ‘relationship break ups’ Tag

Seeing the positives in my toxic ex

Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

So I am in a online group for people who are in a relationship or were in a relationship with someone with BPD. I can sometimes relate to them and lot of times I can’t because their ex’s are so different than my own and their stories are worse than mine. Someone decided to make a thread about trying to make negative memories into positive memories.

I made a post talking about what positives I saw in Jerry. I wrote  it taught me what my limitations were. It taught me what I can handle and what I will tolerate and what my boundaries are. It also taught me future red flags to spot a future toxic person. I also learned to never be a martyr and it won’t make you a bad guy for not tolerating such behavior in a person even if they claim to have a disorder. If they are not able to change that about themselves or even try, you won’t be the bad guy if you leave them nor does it make you not understanding. Being understanding does not mean tolerating abuse or letting them hurt your feelings or treat you a certain way. I also learned you shouldn’t just give someone a chance to change because what you see is what you get and don’t ever assume it will get better. If anything gets worse, don’t assume it will get better. This is what my ex taught me. Sure there were other positives like how special she made me feel when we met or how understanding she acted towards me and accepting and she had a very good sense of direction and had a GPS in her head because she used to work as a delivery person so she new the area well and she used that skill to avoid traffic because she didn’t like being stuck in traffic.

Edit: I also should add she also taught me how not to treat people so I will always use the Dish Network thing as an example about how I should just do things for people when they tell me how important it is because I don’t want them having anxiety and also giving them trouble and screwing them over because of me. Just because I don’t find it important doesn’t mean it’s not important for the other person. Do not be a Jerry. Also no making empty promises. Do not say you are going to do something if you have no intention of doing it or if you can’t do it because it’s too inconvenient for you or if you don’t think you can do it fast enough or can’t set a time to do it. So toxic people can be real good role models for how not to treat people and how not to act. That is how I always viewed Disney villains as a child. They taught me how not to act and how not to treat people. But do look at the good people and see how to treat people and how to act. If someone does something you don’t like, they had just taught you how not to treat people.


How I feel about those autism hate sites

Thursday, December 29th, 2016

Often times we will see articles about how bad borderlines are and what the red flags are and what makes them toxic people. I see the same written about NPD and psychoapaths and yes those are mental illnesses to rather people want to believe it or not.

I see the same with Asperger’s. I will see hate sites out there warning other people about being in a relationship with them and how harmful they are and how abusive they are.

Now what do I think of these sites, I believe these were created by women who were deeply hurt by their ex who happened to have it or believed they did. I see the same about borderlines too and NPDs and psychopaths and personality disorders. Some do armchair diagnose. I armchair diagnosed mine with covert narcissism but it turned out she was BPD  if she was telling the truth but I still feel she acted very narcissist and a covert one. Talk about overlap and some victims do believe covert narcissism and BPD are the same.

People will express their hurt differently. Some will just suffer in silent and only talk about things their ex did while some others will be hateful about their ex and make fun of them and their problems and make hate posts about them and hate pages on them while some do the extreme and make hates pages on their disorder telling everyone how bad people are with it and warning everyone to stay away from them. There is even a hate group on autism on the Delphi forums. It’s mostly women in it and not all of them are bad and hateful but those ones always stand out and they will make fun of their ex’s and hate on autism. Even the group owner is very hostile towards anyone who is on the spectrum ad will boot and silence anyone if she thinks you’re on it and she will even ban people if she thinks they’re aspies. She has gotten very paranoid and thinks a user from Wrongplanet is trolling there and making different accounts posing as an NT so she bans that user. I remember the time another NT was banned from that group because she was posting on Wrongplanet so the owner assumed she was an ASD but she took it well.

How did I handle my hurt on my ex’s. Well with Jayden I made fun of him behind his back so I even wrote a story about him making fun of my situation and in the story the girlfriend would get tired of him being lazy and not wanting to work so she decides to make him wear diapers so she gives him a choice, either he moves out or wear diapers and he complains how “retarded” that all is but because he doesn’t want to move back home, he goes with diapers. My husband would tease me about him from time to time saying “No wonder you wanted to put him in diapers, he was an adult baby.” When I watched an episode of South Park where the boys got addicted to a computer game and there was someone in the game who was cheating so the boys had to kill a bunch of animals to gain experience points to level up to kill off the character so he would stop killing other characters who didn’t have high experience points because he had so many. The user was fat and messy and lazy so I said to my mother they had made a whole show on Jayden and my mom laughed and said my little brother said that exact same thing and said this is something I should watch because it’s about my ex.

Then there was Jerry. I also talked about her for a while until my parents said they were sick of hearing about her and she was out of my life now so move the fuck on so I would talk to my husband about it and he listened and supported me. I also went on a posting rampage on Wrongplanet about her talking about the stuff she has said t me about me and other things and about how I was treated. I knew she lurked there but I just didn’t care. I wanted her to see my pain and suffering and after finding out about narcissism, I regretted what I did because it meant she probably enjoyed the pain she gave me and had  a good laugh at my suffering because I gave her the attention she wanted.

While I did those things, some will go out of their way and create websites or hate groups on a condition while some will make a blog about their ex and post their real name and I hear someone did actually do that on here and then within a week, her blog was gone and hadn’t been back up since. I did see someone who did that (I wonder if that was the same person) and her intent was to destroy him and to warn any other women who are dating him and when they Google his name they will find her blog and find other news articles about him the bad stuff he has done and the man will suffer forever and be ruined.

Then if course I have heard about women wanting to get revenge on their ex’s after being hurt by them. Reason why I am saying women is because the stories are mostly by them than by guys.

Every hurt person handles it differently.



Dealing with self doubts about my ex

Thursday, October 20th, 2016

From time to time I still get doubts about Jerry. This is pretty normal among victims of relationships abuse.

Today I saw a post on Reddit and someone said how they would never believe themselves if they din’t have proof it happened. That person had their chat logs, and emails as proof that his ex’s behavior was ridiculous. Sadly I have none of that stuff other than a few old diary entries and I mentioned none of the stuff here because I didn’t know at the time. The only proof I have are my parents and two of my online friends.

What went through my head was the fact that I have my own set of problems so was it possible that my ex’s behavior appeared abusive because of my own anxiety. My dad doesn’t understand my anxiety so he will keep bringing up money to me from time to time and then my husband has to deal with my anxiety about it and it takes him a while to calm me down while my dad shuts down about it. He will not listen to me when I tell him stuff and that also triggers my anxiety. I started to wonder if this was all intentional and my husband told me he doesn’t think he is doing it on purpose. I asked him how can you not do it on purpose. he knows I have anxiety but he still continues doing the same behavior over and over so how is that not on purpose? My husband told me what he meant was my dad doesn’t realize how bad it is for me. Is this possible with Jerry? Is it possible she didn’t understand how bad my anxiety was and how much it affected me and if she would have known, would she have fixed my car sooner or bring my Dish Network piece in sooner? Is it also possible my anxiety was too much for her to handle so she also shut down and her way of dealing with it was to get mad at me about it and find a way to shut me up about it so she would say “we can always bring your car into a shop and it will be (insert cost here)”?

My husband has also told me how I say lot of stuff he would take offense too and now that he has gotten so used to me, he doesn’t think what I say is offensive anymore, is it possible Jerry was so sensitive, she couldn’t not take what I say not personally because of her own set of problems?

But then I remember the other stuff she has done like saying how self centered I am whenever she didn’t get her way. Saying how idiots people are when they wear cartoon characters on their clothes and saying what a bunch of snobs people are who lived in these nice houses up on the hill. Also telling her son anything about us and nothing was ever private between us. She even let her son eavesdrop on us. If I had done that as a kid, it would have been a slap in the head or face, or being yelled at or threatened with a consequence. Jerry did none of that stuff. I can understand why she wouldn’t hit her child because she was in a middle of a custody battle and rules are a bit different when you are divorced or separated so that might have gotten used against her if she had slapped her kid across the head for trying to listen in on our topic when it was private between us. But she could have at least told her child to sit back and not listen to us because it’s none of his business and scold him but she didn’t do that. Instead she found it all hilarious because she would smile and laugh. Plus my mom told me she thought the kid was a snot to me. I asked her how so and she told me it was stuff I would tell her and I would say her son said this to me or that and my ex would go “he is right” and my mother felt he was just very rude to me.

Plus the talk my mom had told me about like the phone calls I would make and hearing her in the back ground arguing with me and stuff and us fighting because she would harass me according to my mother. I asked her how was my ex harassing me and she said I would try and talk to them on the phone and she would argue with me and go “what are they saying” and telling me what to say to them.

Plus I asked my online friends about her because I was friends with them when me an Jerry were together and they told me how controlling she is and very weird and that was according to me when I would talk to them about our relationship when we were together.

I even ask myself from time to time if I made any of this up for closure and to make myself feel better. After all she did ghost me so I lost a few things like my cleaning supplies and a paycheck and money she was supposed to owe me for Dish Network. I even wonder is it possible I twisted what I read online about abuse to make it fit Jerry so I would do it for closure and to make myself feel better. I should ask on Reddit if anyone else ever feels this way about themselves.

After all in 6th grade, I thought my mom was this horrible person so I wrote a story about it and made her out to be a mean mother and my mom cried reading it because of how I felt about her but she didn’t tell me “I did none of this you said I did in your story” or “I am not this person you wrote I am in your story.” Instead she asked me why I felt that way about her and we had to work it out through therapy with my psychologist.

But because Jerry and I are not together anymore, it didn’t really matter how I feel about her so she just said “I did none of that stuff you said I did other than taking too long getting you back that Dish Network thing.” If we were still together and she found out I was feeling this way about her, then it would be time to go to a therapist to work this out. But she could have still defended herself about her actions and explain why she did those things and what her intentions were behind it but because she didn’t, it all came off as denial to me and gaslighting to make me question myself and my memories and think “maybe I am just looking at it all wrong” or “Maybe I just went crazy and created these false memories.”


Regret vs Remorse

Sunday, September 25th, 2016

I found an article about Borderline and narcissistic regret vs remorse. My ex had told me in a comment here that she has BPD. That is very similar to NPD because they are often compared and people saying they are both the same to victims. Some don’t even know if they are both or which one they have because of the overlap.

I remember when I was on my ex’s Facebook page, I saw one where she said she lost the only woman she loved. I thought that was some joke and I wasn’t sure if she was talking about me. She could have been talking about someone else. She might have met another woman and lost her. But anyway the first thought that came to my head was “You ignored me so can she say she lost me?” Then I started wondering why she would quit answering her phone in the first place. Did she think I would stick around if I was being treated that way?

Also one of their hallmarks is their lack of truly being sorry. My ex was not sorry for how she treated me. She denied it instead and used her diagnoses as a cop out. Instead of taking responsibility she threw the “I really wish you would read about my diagnoses so you can understand me better.” She also told me she is sorry for how I fee.l and she told me what she read here was upsetting. I think she felt that way because she didn’t like how I was reacting about it and feeling. The article sums it up right here about this behavior she did.

BP/NPs don’t take responsibility for their own moods or actions, so they don’t feel remorse.  Instead, they typically feel angry at you for reacting negatively to their actions.  They rarely even notice that they have hurt your feelings or insulted you or put down your opinions or views.  When you point out that they have done something hurtful, they blame you for “being too sensitive” or too judgmental or just unloving.

I remember in the relationship, I was trying very hard to figure out how to word things and how to say things so my ex wouldn’t get upset with me. Then I would blame it on myself thinking my communication was wrong and I can’t say anything right. The reason why other people don’t react the way they do and cry is because they can control their emotions and hold them in, she doesn’t do that. It also created lot of stress for me because I had all these thoughts in my brain and I couldn’t even talk about them because it would upset her so I was left alone with these intrusive thoughts. I can talk to my husband about it and he wouldn’t get upset with me even though he has admitted it’s hard work for him because he then has to calm me down. But he still does it because he loves me and he doesn’t like me being upset. I don’t like being this way either so that is why he handles all the finances and doesn’t tell me how much money we have and I just use my credit card and he pays it off. I don’t go overboard with spending. My husband is also good with finances and he doesn’t buy stuff we can’t afford so I trust we won’t go broke or go below in our bank account. If I had stayed with my ex, none of this wouldn’t happen and I would be alone with my intrusive thoughts and it would have been very stressful.

The moment I got the comment from my ex was a typical narc apology. I know because I have lurked on forums about it and read blogs about it and have seen people post their narc apologies that were sent to them by their ex or narc parent. Their letters are usually calm and not angry or hostile. My ex’s letter was calm and there was no tension in it or any anger. They will also deny the things they did and say how sorry they are for you feeling a certain way about them or say how sorry they are for you not having a happy childhood. They never apologize for how they acted and treated you. There is also gaslighting in it. My ex did some gaslighting by saying she didn’t do any of the stuff I said she did.

I have noticed a pattern with abusers. They seem to forget the abuse they have done to their victims and that behavior is always harmful for the victim. I have wondered if they regret so much what they did they truly forget about their abuse as some form of coping mechanism because they can’t cope with their feeling of regret or even guilt so it’s easy to just forget so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. But then that means they wouldn’t have to take responsibility over what they did. My mother used to tell me when I was 10-12 “just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.” Even as a kid if I had no memory of doing something, I wasn’t off the hook, people didn’t move on. They still had to talk about it and make a big deal about it and to me it was over and done with because I lived in the moment and this was a problem for everyone around me. I cannot imagine how much gaslighting I must have been doing growing up and how many times I must have invalidated feelings. Just because something wasn’t a big deal to me, I couldn’t understand why it would be a big deal to someone else and why they were still obsessing over it so I made it be their problem. This is a common characteristic in BPD and NPD. Gosh no wonder so many kids thought I was mean and selfish and not caring. I looked normal and looked like everyone else. I didn’t even look like I had problems so how would the other kids know I had problems?

But no one around me was stupid because they remembered and knew it full well happened even if I denied it or didn’t make a big deal about it and got annoyed with them when they would obsess about it.

Do people with NPD and BPD live in the moment? I don’t think so. I think it’s just about avoiding responsibility and them thinking it’s not their fault.

And because my mother did drill into my head about just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it never happened, I did start to believe things I did other kids would tell me I did so for two years I believed I shoved a plastic fork in a kid’s neck and it stuck there. Why? Because other kids told me I did it but then in my Freshman year, a boy told me at a dance party that never happened and the kid just made it up to make himself look cool. So after that I am back to trusting my own thoughts and not believes what people tell me about myself. It’s either pics or it didn’t happen. If it’s anything minor, I won’t argue about it and deny it because it wouldn’t be worth fighting about.  My mom told me years later in my adult years that if she had known about the fork incident, she would have told me it never happened because if it did, I would have been charged with assault and taken away and be put in a juvenile detention center.


Dealing with self doubt

Friday, September 9th, 2016


Lately I have been feeling if I made this all up about the abuse because I was so hurt in it so I needed to make it up to make myself feel better. But yet I can relate to the stories I read about being with a narcissist. Please note that when you read about domestic abuse, it’s always about narcissists, never about someone who has many issues or someone who is “normal” but likes control. I wonder if I have been dealing with cognitive distortions because you can read about something and it might seem like it fits but that is not what is going on. It’s like how you can google a symptom and a bunch of medical conditions pop up but it doesn’t mean that is what is going on, same with disorders.

My memories feel so real but I know I am not a schizophrenic. If I was, then I would have already been in treatment and be on medicine for it and my parents would have noticed because no way would they have let me fall into despair and let me get sicker and sicker. Plus I would have had other delusions than just this and I would have showed other symptoms. My husband would have noticed too if I were sick.

Plus my parents were there when I was with Jerry. They heard him argue with me when I would talk to them on the phone, him telling me what to say and him asking what we were talking about. Plus my mom remembers how I would abruptly hang up when he would come home and my mom told me the story about how I called her one time and I was crying but she couldn’t remember what I was upset about and then all of a sudden I say “Oh no he is coming out, I gotta go” and I hung up. My mother decided they were coming out there to try and get me to live with my aunt and uncle. But this can’t be a cognitive distortion can it?

But I know the abuser can make you self doubt and make you question yourself. I just have to go back and remember what my parents told me, how he acted towards me and tell myself this is all real, it really happened, you are not crazy. You are not lying to yourself or creating these fake memories, that is what they want you to think. Remember what you read online about gaslighting and how the victims self doubt and wonder if they are crazy. If you are still getting triggers and flashbacks, it is most likely real. Don’t let anyone make you self doubt. They were not there and if they have never experienced domestic abuse, they wouldn’t know what they are talking about. If your former ex comes back and acts like they did nothing wrong or acts like they don’t understand why you feel this way and they say they never did those things and if they do contradictions, don’t let them make you self doubt.

But what if the abuser claims to have medical diagnoses, that makes it even more confusing. But that is what they want right? Make you self doubt, make you question yourself, make you think what differently you could have done.  Remember that. Don’t let them make you self doubt.

A genuine person would have told you how sorry they are for everything they put you through and apologize for everything they have done than denying it. They would have validated your feelings and apologize for how they made you feel and what they did to you. They might tell you what they have found out about themselves and say they are working on it and seeing a doctor but they wouldn’t demand you read about their diagnoses to understand them better. They wouldn’t say “Sorry you feel that way about me” or say other things like “Sorry you felt that way” “Sorry you think I did those things” and they wouldn’t toss their medical labels at you and tell them how they wish you would read about them and understand them better. That is like they have basically admitted to how they treated you but they are saying they are not responsible for it and you have to put up with it and deal with it. They are avoiding responsibility. A genuine person might also say they don’t blame you for how you feel and they would understand if you don’t respond to them. Think about how you would want someone to apologize to you if they treated you horribly. That is how you do a genuine apology if you wanted to do amends to the people you have hurt. Never put the blame on them. Take full responsibility, don’t make excuses.

Will the Real Victim Please Stand Up

Friday, September 9th, 2016

After Narcissistic Abuse

true vs false victim

It’s NOT EASY using the V word.

Personally, I don’t LIKE it. It’s not a word I’ve used to describe myself through very many situations in my life, because I am the kind of person who takes responsibility for things that happen to me. While, I certainly had choices and consequences (thus responsibility) in my relationship with a narcissist as an adult – it is the only experience I think the V label accurately describes and depicts.

I was caught unaware. I was told things that weren’t true. By relying on those things, I made decisions that put me in harms way. I was sold a bill of goods and promises by a person who was well aware that they had no intention of ever delivering on those promises nor being capable of being a good person towards me, so that he could use me for things that benefited one…

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The time I thought my mom was closed minded

Thursday, September 8th, 2016

about guys I was dating.

Disclaimer: dislike and not like are not the same thing.

When I first met Jayden, my mom didn’t seem to take a lot of like to him. he was nice and sweet and he even organized the pantry above the oven where my parents kept their cookie sheets and pie pans. He did talk about his school life and how incompetent his school was with special ed kids. He also had troubles with school work too like me but he didn’t have an aide like me. I didn’t like how my mom was critical about it. She told me he wasn’t very smart and said it was because he barely graduated. I told her it was because he didn’t have an aide like I did and they didn’t give him the help he needed. I told her I also wouldn’t have graduated if I didn’t get the help I needed.

She had other criticism about him and I said kids also thought I was weird and other people might think the same of me because I am also different and parents also didn’t want their kids playing with me and I have been banned from homes as a child just because I didn’t know the rules in their home and didn’t know how to act. Also another reason for her not liking him is because he had a history of being violent. I had to remind her I was also violent too as a child so how would she like it if another parent told their son I could be violent with him in the future because of my past? Also another reason was his memory problem and I thought she was being closed minded about it. Memory problems, big deal, I will just deal with it and help him with it. My mother refused to believe Ritalin did this and said it doesn’t work that way. Also the fact he didn’t have a job but that was because he didn’t have anyone to help him so I was helping him.

But then at the end it turned out their judgments about him were correct. He really was a jerk (I thought then) and I realize now he truly did have too many problems and he wasn’t just someone who was lazy and mooching off me and messing with my head and being manipulative. He did apologize deeply for hurting me and he called himself a screw up. But back then I had a hard time accepting his apology because I was confused. He was contradicting himself and that left me confused. I didn’t understand what his apology meant. Now I know it was because he had a undiagnosed mental illness and my mom was right about him. She knew he had more going on that what I thought. I just assumed he lacked motivation and needed help to succeed just like me, I assumed he had a learning disability like me, I assumed he needed explicit instructions so I was giving them to him. You could say I saw him as “normal” who was just different and had a learning disability and ADHD. I saw him as functional. My mom still says he was a jerk because anyone can be one. I am sure he had some flaws that were bad that had nothing to do with his illness such as being too into being true to himself.

Then I met Jerry and my parents also didn’t take a like to him (she was a he then so I am referring to her as a he in this post) but they kept it hidden from me because I was defensive the first time about Jayden. I remember I kept correcting them about him. They kept insisting he was trying to not let me talk to them but I said he was no because he isn’t stopping me from calling them. I also told them he is just too worried about what people are going to think of him and me not presenting the situation correctly and he doesn’t want them to get the wrong idea. But they saw this as all controlling. They were also critical of him and my mom told me afterwards she was so worried I was being abused. Not understanding abuse at the time I told her he had never abused me. He had never hit me or called me names or broken anything. I also remember telling my mother about how poor my self help skills were and how low functioning I am and my mom told me the whole meaning of having good self help skills is acknowledging you need help and getting it than trying to do it yourself. She told me it was not very good self help skills to not ask for help and trying to do it all on your own and figure it out on your own. My mom also insisted he was after my money and they said other things about him I thought were untrue because they were reading it all wrong. I then thought no matter what guy I date, they will always find something wrong with them. Everyone had flaws and problems and I had my own so how would they have liked it if someone’s mother told their son to stay away from me. Now I realize my parents judgments were right about him.

I didn’t learn my lesson at all from these two because when I met my husband I was worried about what my parents would think of him. He was also in special ed, he was also a loner, he was ignored and then teased. He had been held back three times (his mother says two) and he had three different learning disabilities and brain damage. He didn’t drive. He didn’t have a college degree and he never finished high school because he got too old to attend. But he was a sweet and understanding guy and he worked hard to not be limited by his birth defect in his ankles. He didn’t let pain stop him. He took public transport despite having poor sense of direction and always getting lost easily and turned around. I was impressed. I always like people with disabilities who try to find a way to live a normal life and find their ways around their limitations. I have also always tried to live a normal life I can and work my way through my difficulties. I could never understand how others can’t do it or why they would refuse to learn or try. But after what happened to my husband in 2012, it has changed his perspective about people with disabilities. He had realized the reason why he was having so many seizures was because his body was going through a breakdown because he was making his body do stuff his body isn’t meant to do and it couldn’t handle it anymore so it started to break down. His body couldn’t handle the pain anymore so he got more anxiety from it and then it was giving him seizures because of the pain. It was all a domino affect. Now I had learned something too. If there were a job out there he can do, he would do it but he has all these limitations. Can’t get a job that involves counting or he will make too many mistakes, can’t get a job that involves writing because he has difficulty in spelling and reading, he can’t get a job that makes him work on his feet because his body can’t handle it and he isn’t supposed to be on them for no more than two hours a day. So what job out there can he do that doesn’t require reading, counting, math, and movement?

I realize now my parents were only looking out for me so they didn’t want me to date anyone who had too many problems and they could tell Jerry and Jayden had too many of them. They knew it would be too stressful for me and the fact I am sensitive and it would have destroyed me being with those guys. But yet they were fine with me dating my husband go figure. Maybe because he doesn’t have that many problems.

How can one tell if someone’s problems is due to problems than just personality? How can you tell if someone has a mental illness? Surely not every rude person out there has a disorder or a narrow minded person or someone who is extremely judgmental and critical of everything, same as if they do abuse. Plus plenty of people have strange thoughts so how can one tell if they have a mental illness or just have that weird opinion? And lot of people are paranoid so does that mean they have some mental illness? So how can you tell if someone had a condition or not based on these behaviors? Some people even have depression so how can one tell if it’s just depression or clinical depression or a illness stemming from a serious disorder?

I don’t know how much of Jerry’s thoughts were due to her illnesses, that is if she is telling the truth. But I can never tell because everything is normal to me. For years I just thought medical labels were created for a list of behaviors we all do and doctors like to give out a label for it to anyone. People had personality disorders because they did behaviors people found annoying and found them difficult to be with, people had Asperger’s because of too many narrow minded people who didn’t like someone who is different and strange and weird and because they didn’t know the social rules and didn’t know how to act in a situation and people refuse to tell them how to do it and because they did routines and didn’t like change and because they had special interests and did behaviors like fiddling with objects or playing with their fingers or doing rocking and because they didn’t look people in the eye and didn’t know about reading body language. I thought anything that wasn’t considered normal doctors made it into a condition. Want to get your way and don’t like not getting your way, just be an asshole by threatening your mother and breaking things and making her afraid of you so you get it, oh you have ODD so here is your label. People were psychopaths because they didn’t care about people and they did cruel things and killed people. I thought this way about mental illnesses until my twenties. This is all still very confusing for me.


In a way I feel sorry for abusers who suffer from a mental illness

Monday, September 5th, 2016

mental illness.

I wrote this in a thread online when someone asked about NPD being a mental illness and if they are clueless and helpless.

Yes NPD is a mental illness, it’s a medical condition like anything else in the DSM. In a way I actually feel sorry for them because they don’t choose to be this way or otherwise it wouldn’t be a condition. Yes most of them are not aware so that is why they rarely change. It impacts their social relationships and people skills and puts a strain on everyone around them it alienates them from others. I see them as being dysfunctional. It doesn’t mean we have to excuse how they treat others and excuse their behavior and put up with it. NPD is not something anyone would want to have. Because it has such a horrible stigma to it, I am sure it makes it harder for them to change because who would want to be a narcissist?

My ex is mentally ill.


What if I am just being paranoid?

Sunday, September 4th, 2016

With all the stuff online about narcissism and stuff about relationship abuse and the signs of it and narcissist hoovering and their fake apologies and articles about covert narcissists faking medical conditions and covert narcissism being unrecognized by so many professionals they tend to get misdiagnosed with other conditions instead, how do any of us know if our abusers had a true mental illness? How do we know if their apologies are real? How do we know they were not a narcissist?

Jerry sent me a post that was very triggering but what if she had sent me that post because she was so upset I felt so negative about her and the damage she had done and how much she had hurt me so she had to share all her diagnoses with me so I could learn more about them and heal and move on and not be so hurt anymore? What if she had done it for me than for her? What if this was about me, not about her image? My mind is full of pipe dreams but then I remember the bad stuff so it makes me think to stay no contact with her. She abandoned me anyway. Talked to me and then disappeared again back in 2007. Now she has left me a post and disappeared again but after writing how I marked her post as spam so they will all go to spam next time so I wouldn’t see them, that makes me think of course she wouldn’t leave me more messages because I said I wouldn’t be seeing them so what would be the point? If her post gave me an anxiety attack and gave me chest pains all day and had to write about it here, of course she wouldn’t post anything else to me because maybe she doesn’t want me to have any panic attacks and make it worse for me. Maybe she didn’t send me that message to ruin my day or to get to me, maybe she sent it as a tip. It makes me feel safe when I wrote how I marked her post as spam so I wouldn’t keep seeing it and me hoping all her future messages will go to spam automatically so I wouldn’t have to see them because then I wouldn’t be hurt again when I don’t hear from her again. I can just think me writing that kept her away because what would be the point in posting on here if I won’t see it?

I hate it when my brain does this. The paranoia and then the pipe dream thinking.

Do abusers deserve an understanding

Sunday, September 4th, 2016

if they have any medical conditions?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a medical condition and so is Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and of course Covert Narcissism.

NPD and BPD are both the same to victims I keep hearing.

My ex sent me a message a few days ago and said she does have AS plus BPD, schizoaffective the bipolar type and PTSD. But she denied she did any of this stuff to me I said she did and only admitted to the Dish Network part and apologized for putting me through such stress. But said she is sorry I feel this way about her. That is not even an apology. That is putting all the blame on your victim and not taking any responsibility. She also told me how she wishes I would look up all her medical diagnoses and understand her better  and was hoping I will change how I feel about her. But do they deserve so be understood if they refuse to not accept what they have done to you and not apologize for all that?

Was my ex feeling so bad for how she treated me she had created these memories in her brain and had forgotten all about what she did in our relationship? I have noticed this pattern in abusers, they all seem to forget how they treated you. Do they really forget or do they just pretend?

I have also forgotten about stuff I have done when I would be very upset or when I was going through depression but I never ever said I did none of that stuff they said I did. In 6th grade my mom told me I had put a male cat in our garage to impregnate our kitten to punish them because I was mad at them I forget about what. I was shocked so that explained how our cat got pregnant. I had done it as a punishment.

Then a few months back as an adult my mom told me how I had abused her so I had discovered I was already violent before I decided to try and have ODD. I would pull her hair, throw things at her and she couldn’t even literally turn her back on me or I would toss something at her. So if she wanted to go to the kitchen let’s say, she had to walk backwards to the kitchen. I was also mean to my little brother too but it was verbal abuse. My mom thinks I did all this because I found them safe and trusted them so I lashed out at them to get out all my hurt feelings I had been holding in. I was shocked I was this bad but I didn’t deny it just because I didn’t remember it. My mom totally fixed me when she threatened she would put me in a hospital if I didn’t stop. I remember I moved onto self harm and then onto our dog. I told my mom I didn’t know I was this bad and I don’t remember doing it all the time and she said “few times a month was enough for me” so I then realized I didn’t do these things all the time.  All my mother had to do was make herself unsafe for me to lash out at her and make my brother unsafe too for me so that was how she fixed me from my abuse.

But did Jerry act shocked by what she read here? No she just said it was all upsetting for her to read.

Also she seemed to have objected to the name here I picked for her so does that mean she wants me to use her former real name on here or her new real name? I will not take that risk. It’s very stupid to post your ex’s real names online because that is asking for trouble. I can see why the subreddits on Reddit often say about not posting any personal information. Linking to their profiles is posting personal information or maybe linking to their other profiles from other websites that is just their user name. I think the purpose of this rule is to protect members and to avoid smear campaigns because anyone could be lying about their ex’s and they could be doing a vendetta. So it’s not about protecting the abusers.

But what if their abuse was attribute from their mental illness, do they still deserve to be understood if they aren’t taking any responsibility and they are just gaslighting you instead, especially if they had “forgotten”?


Also Jayden isn’t my ex’s real name either and neither is Frankie. Michael also isn’t my son’s real name either.