Archive for the ‘Asperger’s syndrome’ Tag

Why I think the whole Cassandra thing is bullshit

Monday, March 13th, 2017

I do not doubt that people on the autism spectrum can cause problems for their partners and give them problems and stress but I do not agree with the whole Cassandra Affective Disorder thing. Here’s why?

Every person with a disorder is going to be hard for anyone. Even being with an ASD person as an ASD person is going to be hard too. Being with someone who has an eating disorder or an anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, ADHD, PTSD, etc is going to be hard for everyone who is with them. Hell even having PMS is going to make it hard for your partner. But you know what, there has not been any alternate labels created for those who have been affected by other disorders so why only autism?

Why isn’t there a label for those who are affected by partners who have any cluster B disorders or a label for those who are affected by a partner who has anxiety or OCD or ADHD, cerebral palsy, being confined to a wheelchair,  PTSD, etc.

So this whole Cassandra thing is ridiculous. We already have a diagnoses like PTSD, anxiety, and depression so why a new label? What is so special about being in a relationship with someone on the autistic spectrum that it warrants its own label? Because it means deprivation and they say that the autistic person withholds love and support from their partners so it harms them but that still doesn’t make sense because a person with any disorder is going to cause problems for their partner and there are no separate labels for it. What about none ASD people out there who also don’t show love and support to their partners and also lack empathy for them? Why not make a label for that too? So why only ASD?

What about people who are asexual or have a low sex drive or for some reason lacks interest in sex? Why not make that a label because after all the partner is going to be starved from sex.

Or what about people who are introverts and their partner is a extrovert, should we have a label for that because they might be starved from socializing and being with their friends or from going out with their partner to places?

What about people who have sensory processing issues? Shall we also have a label for that because their partners might also be starved from giving affection to them and be starved from having “normal” sex and not being able to do affection and love?

What about people who suck at giving gifts, shall we have a label for that because the partner might be starved from getting good gifts from them so therefore it’s going to affect them thinking their partner doesn’t put enough effort into it? Yes this is a real thing because there is a thread on Reddit about getting bad gifts from their partner but yet they can give great baby shower gifts. Then there is the other thread about their partner suck with birthdays so they act like a jerk on that day so maybe there should be a label for that too.

This is how silly it gets with this whole Cassandra thing and why it’s discriminatory and why so many ASD people object to this label.

 

 

 

 

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How I feel about those autism hate sites

Thursday, December 29th, 2016

Often times we will see articles about how bad borderlines are and what the red flags are and what makes them toxic people. I see the same written about NPD and psychoapaths and yes those are mental illnesses to rather people want to believe it or not.

I see the same with Asperger’s. I will see hate sites out there warning other people about being in a relationship with them and how harmful they are and how abusive they are.

Now what do I think of these sites, I believe these were created by women who were deeply hurt by their ex who happened to have it or believed they did. I see the same about borderlines too and NPDs and psychopaths and personality disorders. Some do armchair diagnose. I armchair diagnosed mine with covert narcissism but it turned out she was BPD  if she was telling the truth but I still feel she acted very narcissist and a covert one. Talk about overlap and some victims do believe covert narcissism and BPD are the same.

People will express their hurt differently. Some will just suffer in silent and only talk about things their ex did while some others will be hateful about their ex and make fun of them and their problems and make hate posts about them and hate pages on them while some do the extreme and make hates pages on their disorder telling everyone how bad people are with it and warning everyone to stay away from them. There is even a hate group on autism on the Delphi forums. It’s mostly women in it and not all of them are bad and hateful but those ones always stand out and they will make fun of their ex’s and hate on autism. Even the group owner is very hostile towards anyone who is on the spectrum ad will boot and silence anyone if she thinks you’re on it and she will even ban people if she thinks they’re aspies. She has gotten very paranoid and thinks a user from Wrongplanet is trolling there and making different accounts posing as an NT so she bans that user. I remember the time another NT was banned from that group because she was posting on Wrongplanet so the owner assumed she was an ASD but she took it well.

How did I handle my hurt on my ex’s. Well with Jayden I made fun of him behind his back so I even wrote a story about him making fun of my situation and in the story the girlfriend would get tired of him being lazy and not wanting to work so she decides to make him wear diapers so she gives him a choice, either he moves out or wear diapers and he complains how “retarded” that all is but because he doesn’t want to move back home, he goes with diapers. My husband would tease me about him from time to time saying “No wonder you wanted to put him in diapers, he was an adult baby.” When I watched an episode of South Park where the boys got addicted to a computer game and there was someone in the game who was cheating so the boys had to kill a bunch of animals to gain experience points to level up to kill off the character so he would stop killing other characters who didn’t have high experience points because he had so many. The user was fat and messy and lazy so I said to my mother they had made a whole show on Jayden and my mom laughed and said my little brother said that exact same thing and said this is something I should watch because it’s about my ex.

Then there was Jerry. I also talked about her for a while until my parents said they were sick of hearing about her and she was out of my life now so move the fuck on so I would talk to my husband about it and he listened and supported me. I also went on a posting rampage on Wrongplanet about her talking about the stuff she has said t me about me and other things and about how I was treated. I knew she lurked there but I just didn’t care. I wanted her to see my pain and suffering and after finding out about narcissism, I regretted what I did because it meant she probably enjoyed the pain she gave me and had  a good laugh at my suffering because I gave her the attention she wanted.

While I did those things, some will go out of their way and create websites or hate groups on a condition while some will make a blog about their ex and post their real name and I hear someone did actually do that on here and then within a week, her blog was gone and hadn’t been back up since. I did see someone who did that (I wonder if that was the same person) and her intent was to destroy him and to warn any other women who are dating him and when they Google his name they will find her blog and find other news articles about him the bad stuff he has done and the man will suffer forever and be ruined.

Then if course I have heard about women wanting to get revenge on their ex’s after being hurt by them. Reason why I am saying women is because the stories are mostly by them than by guys.

Every hurt person handles it differently.

 

 

I think I might have some PDA

Saturday, December 17th, 2016

What is PDA?

http://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

It’s only recognized in the UK and nowhere else in the world. ODD and PDA sound very much the same but for PDA it’s the damand in place that causes the person anxiety while for someone with ODD, it’s dislike of authority. But they still sound very much the same and even the behavior is very much the same but with PDA it seems to be more anxiety based.

  • resists and avoids the ordinary demands of life
  • appearing sociable, but lacking depth in understanding
  • excessive mood swings and impulsivity
  • comfortable in role play and pretend, sometimes to an extreme extent
  • language delay, often with good degree of catch-up
  • obsessive behaviour, often focussed on people.

I fit almost everything on the list. I didn’t demand ordinary demands on a day to day basis because I respected certain people better such as my own parents and I listened to certain people better than others and I did have a language delay but that was more likely due to hearing loss and it took me years to catch up in language. But no one really knows if I still would have had a language delay without any hearing loss because most kids catch up quickly after having tubes inserted in their ears. Then they hear again and catch up in their language development and I didn’t do that so I was given an early diagnoses of language disorder.

Because there isn’t a lot of information about it, I am not able to read into depth about it to understand the symptoms more and degree but I know I have always had issues with follow directions and listening to people and I will sometimes purposely not do things if it’s been a demand placed on me and I had an issue with listening to baby sitters growing up and being good with my grandparents when my parents would go out. I never understood why I had troubles with authority without my parents around. I have always gotten obsessed with people and attached to them and to this day it still happens but what i do about it is I will purposely avoid that person so I am not stalking them and making them uncomfortable and I have always gotten obsessed with characters from movies. I still get anxiety when I have to do things but it’s always been called anxiety. I will even put it off and not do it because it’s a demand in place. I don’t think I would have enough to qualify to actually have PDA but I have some of it I believe but not enough for it to hold me back but enough for it to annoy me but I can still get through it. I have gotten better though and my mom used to say I was impulsive when I was a kid and my therapist I saw in high school said I had some oppositional defiance but he didn’t say I had ODD. My mom admits I did have behavior but it was anxiety.

PDA comes off to me as having anxiety because of the demands so I wonder if anxiety pills would work with it. I have only read about extreme cases about this so it makes me look normal because I didn’t yell and scream at my parents or hit them or get in fights in school and suspended and I still functioned in school. But like I say there isn’t a lot of information about it so I can’t really read into depth about it to see how much it fits and how mild someone can have it to see if it fits or if I just have some of it but not enough to actually have it. But reading the whole list made me feel I was reading about my childhood. But when I am very calm, I am fine. It’s when I am anxious is when I start acting out and being defiant and avoident and I have behavior.

My school even tried to say I had a behavior disorder so the AS diagnoses saved me from being put in a behavior class.  My mother thinks they were trying to do that because their system they had for me wasn’t working for me so they wanted to just get rid of me and needed a reason for it so they looked for one. The diagnoses of anxiety disorder alone wouldn’t have given me the help I needed to the degree I needed. I am sure diagnosing these kids with anxiety disorders than PDA wouldn’t have given them the same amount of support they need if theirs was only be treated as having just anxiety.

And an interesting thing, I saw in my records from my preschool I attended that I manipulate kids and adults. I didn’t ask what that meant.  Also parents of PDA kids feel the autism and AS diagnoses doesn’t seem to fit and that is what my mom said about mine. I wonder what she would think if I showed her this article?

 

 

 

People saying their abusers faked a condition trend

Wednesday, November 16th, 2016

I often notice a trend by people who were in abusive relationships about their partners faking an illness. I did ask a couple weeks ago about how do we know if they actually had a disorder or are we just assuming they were faking it because they were abusive and it didn’t turn out well. I did write here about No longer identifying my ex as an aspie because it’s taboo to be in a relationship with someone who had it and they were abusive. Mine was controlling and emotionally abusive. She has never hit me or broken anything and she has never threatened me or called me any names like stupid or bitch or telling me how worthless I am or telling me no one will ever want me. But abuse is also a spectrum so not everyone always knows they are being abused but y mom knew but didn’t say anything until long after we were split up. But at first she said while we were living apart that she was worried I was being abused and I said I was not and reassured her I wasn’t. This was before I knew about emotional abuse and knew about different forms of it and when I found out after reading an article about it in the Seventeen mag around December 2008 or January 2009 and she ticked a few boxes for it, I was in denial for a while because I was still making excuses for my ex which is pretty typical in lot of victims. But the main reason was I was worried I would be playing the victim if I admitted it and came out with it. But my mother has reminded me that anyone can be abusive, even people with Alzheimer’s can be abusive. We actually adopted a dog from an animal shelter when I was 14 and she was an abused animal and it turned out her abuser was an old woman who was senile and she would forget to feed her dog so the dog would dig in the trash and she would beat her with a newspaper. It was obvious she did more to her than beating her with a paper because our dog was scared of lot of things like our tone, rags, and it was very difficult having her for months and then she got over her truama and was no longer afraid and didn’t easily pee anymore and was no longer disobedient. We just had to earn her trust. My grandmother has acted abusive verbally so I was afraid of her as an adult because of stories my mom was telling about her. When her Alzheimer’s got worse, she had more wild mood swings and emotions and would mistreat her caregivers. My mom thinks she was Bipolar. Plus before her Alzheimer’s got worse, she just hid it more or unless my mom hid it from us kids but she has told me stories like when we were children, she referred her sister in law as the bitch and would tell her sons she wanted that bitch out of her house. She had issues with jealousy and would get jealous and she never treated her daughter in laws well. My mom kept this from me and my brothers because she wanted us to have a good relationship with her and not be afraid of her or have our opinions about her be influenced by her stories. Mom made sure to never tell anything bad about our grandmother in front of us. But I did get afraid of her when she started to tell them in front of me and tell them to me as if she thought I could handle that part about her but I didn’t because I became afraid of my own grandmother. I didn’t want to be her victim so I was afraid and didn’t want to be around her anymore because I was worried she would go off on me and I never take it well when people mistreat me. Then it doesn’t help when people give me excuses about them and expect me to be understanding and just accept the abuse because “Oh she is just old and probably doesn’t remember she did it.” I was actually told that when I was 15 and my grandfather sided with her than with me and I was the child and she was the adult. But my aunt and my dad told me she is old so old people do those things and she probably doesn’t even remember it. But when her Alzheimer’s got real bad, her abusive behavior went away due to her short term memory being wiped so I no longer feared her and I was able to see her again and not be afraid. But I was not able to have any conversations with her.

When someone has a mental illness or a disorder (excluding personality disorders) you are expected to be understanding and have compassion or else you are seen as being ignorant when you have been hurt by them and talk about what they have done to you and how they have treated you that was abusive or hurtful.

I can’t count how many times I have seen people on the autism spectrum say how ignorant and narcissist NTs are for being hurt and abused by their “AS” partner and being called un understanding and being called bigots and I can’t count how many times I have seen them also say how discriminating someone is for writing about being abused and neglected by their “AS” parent and I think it’s too much to ask for a child to be understanding. These are children, you can’t expect them to accommodate their parents and have them turn out fine when they are adults. I have noticed it seems to be politically incorrect to be abused by an autistic person so you are better off not identifying them as such or else you won’t get sympathy so it’s no surprising to see people say how their abusers faked an illness or a disorder to get away with their abuse. If people just pretend their partners were normal or just say they had a personality disorder or not mention any disorder at all, they will get sympathy and not be re triggered if anyone stands up for their abuser because of a disorder they had.

Now I am asking how do we know they faked it. I understand how it’s so taboo to be abused by someone with a mental illness or a disability because people then dismiss your feelings and treat you as the bad guy and that doesn’t help you at all. It’s invalidating and it’s like your feelings don’t matter.

There was a thread again on narcissisticabuse subreddit on Reddit about someone faking an illness. The thread was titled “NEX faking amnesia” and another person wrote in their reply theirs faked something to get a medical Marijuana card and another person wrote theirs faked suicide attempts and I wrote I am sure mine faked theirs. Then the OP told me her nex faked a head injury to make her feel sorry for him and use it as an excuse to be a horrible person.

Why is it that when someone has a disorder, the victims are expected to be understanding and non affected by their abuse? Even people won’t label that person as an abuser if they have a disorder but ironically on Wrongplanet I have seen members there tell NT users that their “AS” partner is just abusive and that isn’t autism. So at least not all of them stick up for an “aspie.” Even in a aspie Facebook group, back when I still identified Jerry as an aspie, someone posted a question asking if anyone has ever been in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like so I answered and the response I got from someone was I had described an asshole and anyone can be one and it had nothing to do with AS. I was embarrassed and I felt bad and I wasn’t trying to bad talk AS and trying to say it was all aspie behavior. I was just answering a question about being in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like but that was just an example about how taboo it is to be in a toxic relationship with someone with it. It offends people. So when I stopped identifying her as one, I now don’t have to say what being with an aspie was like in a relationship. I now don’t have to say I dated an aspie one time and it was horrible. I don’t have to pretend by staying silent about it. Just as long as she didn’t have it, I am not pretending. I am not being silent. I don’t have to hide. I wouldn’t answer a question to someone if they asked if anyone has ever dated anyone with cerebral palsy because Jerry didn’t have it so I am not being silent about that because she didn’t have it so not answering a question about dating an aspie is the same thing. I solved my own problem. But looking on the bright side, at least I didn’t get accused of being ignorant or a bigot or a hateful person or non understanding. So not all autistic people think someone is non understanding for being in a bad relationship with an aspie.

I had AS and aspie in quotes in this post because usually they are not even diagnosed, just their partner putting that armchair label on them to explain their abusive or asshole or cold behavior.

I have seen a post on Reddit by an abused victim about their parent faking dementia but admitted it’s so hard to tell if it’s real or an act. The mother was in her early 60’s. So this is a trend I have been noticing about victims saying their abuser is faking a condition. So I tried asking on Reddit how can we tell if their condition is real or fake and if are we just saying they are faking it. How do I know Jerry wasn’t faking any of hers? My mom thought she was faking her PTSD and telling me she knew nothing about AS and doesn’t know what it is. I remember her telling me that back in 2007. But yet she didn’t think Jayden was faking anything when we were together and told me he might be a schizophrenic or might be mentally ill and I didn’t believe her then because it was just her opinion and she wasn’t a psychiatrist. But it turns out she was right and she told me “I told you he was ill” when I showed her the online court document about his parents divorce and it mentioned him being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and his mother helps him with daily assistance. But she still thinks he was an asshole and reminded me anyone can be an asshole. So at least my mom doesn’t undiagnose everyone if they are abusive because she didn’t say our former dog’s owner was faking being senile and reminded me anyone can be abusive. She also didn’t say Jayden was faking having ADHD because she told me he had more going on than ADHD.

Autistic people are “normal.”

Sunday, November 13th, 2016

Someone posted an article online on a forum and I really want to post my opinion about it but I am afraid it will be controversial and offensive so I will say it here instead.

The link here:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/06/150602164024.htm

My comment about it:

But then that means we are “normal” and we are only labeled because of people and the world not being made for us.

The Difficult Child really explains it and Stanley Turecki explained in his book that the difference between a difficult child and a kid with a disorder is with the difficult child, the symptoms are gone when the kid is in the right environment and being given the right parenting but with a kid who has a disorder, no matter what you change for them and if they are in the right environment, the symptoms would still be there. I checked his website and he believes someone can be eccentric and have poor social skills and not have AS so that makes me wonder how many people would he undiagnose with autism and say you are fine but you are just quirky or you are fine but just have a different brain wiring but you’re still “normal” just find the right environment and the right partner, etc. My mother read this book when I was a kid and I now understand her perspective and what she means by I am normal and there is nothing wrong with me and people with real Asperger’s are more limited and I am not autistic or Asperger’s. I’m me. She says I can do anything but I know she doesn’t mean it literally. No one can do anything or else we’ll all be going into space or be mathematicians. But the only thing that keeps me from “doing anything” is people who hire people and the restrictions they put down to qualify and who they hire and the roadblocks they put out there that keeps me from getting any job I can do that requires no college education. Plus people discriminate all the time and to say it doesn’t happen because it’s illegal is very naive to believe it doesn’t happen. There are loopholes and you would have to prove it. I think my mom is a little naive about life because she doesn’t have a disability aside from arthritis and cancer but she has never had any mental disorders or a learning disability so she wouldn’t know what getting a job is like with a disability.

What would Stanley Turecki say about children who are immature and struggling with social skills but yet it’s holding them back and it’s making them outcasts and making it hard for them to fit in and be accepted and it’s giving them low self esteem? Would he still dare to say they are normal but they are just difficult? How can they not have a disorder if it’s affecting them? The parents cannot force the schools to do things their kid’s way that suits their needs if they have no diagnoses and parents don’t have control over how other kids will treat their child and they can’t force kids to accept their child nor can they control how the schools will treat their child unless they have a diagnoses. Are there kids out there who get diagnosed when in fact they are just “normal” but just are very difficult or just have a different learning style? Yes because it does happen.

But I still find that confusing because how can it not be a disorder for some kids? Does that mean not all of us have real autism and we are only diagnosed as being autistic because of society? Some individuals with it feel autism is just a fancy way of saying someone is weird and awkward and processes the world differently as if they don’t think their condition is real but yet they will still admit to having autism.

This man sure feels this way about his autism:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-37560841

“I’m autistic, which is a posh way of saying I have a different way of thinking and perceiving the world.”

It doesn’t have to be intentional for it to be abuse

Sunday, November 13th, 2016

This is controversial because many people will disagree that abuse can be unintentional. I have talked about before in this blog how I can see myself doing financial abuse due to my money anxiety so that was why my husband took over the finances. I was driving him crazy with my anxiety about money he felt he couldn’t live a life because I would freak out if I found out he had spent a dollar and I was already talking about taking away his cards so I wouldn’t have to worry about him spending any money and having anxiety. This wasn’t about control, it was about my comfort zone and to relieve my anxiety to make my life calmer and to feel in control of my life again because of the unknown and my husband wasn’t supporting that. This is an example of unintentional abuse and how a mental illness or a disorder can attribute to abuse.

What about a parent who isn’t aware their kid has a disability because they look normal and seem normal. Asperger’s is a hidden disorder and so is ADHD and anxiety and other things that makes the kid act different. So what if the parent was unaware their kid had anxiety so they were always getting mad at them for their fears and over reaction and calling them a baby and forcing them into situations they feel uncomfortable in. At age six I was forced to ride on a big ferris wheel and my mom and dad didn’t care about my fear of it and the reason why I was scared was because I was worried it would give me this feeling in my stomach that some rides give you and I didn’t like that feeling and I had been on a ferris wheel that gave me that feeling so I felt too nervous to ride on one again that went too high up. Lot of people will agree that it is cruel to scare your child but that is what my parents did to me, they scared me and forced me into something I feared and got mad at me for crying and for being scared and didn’t give rats ass. I would call this unintentional abuse. I don’t think they did it to be cruel. Most people are not afraid of ferris wheels so how were they supposed to know my fear was real? They were ignorant then. My dad is still ignorant about my anxiety. I don’t fear ferris wheels anymore. Back then being forced on it was like walking the green mile or walking to the torture device because you know what is going to happen and you don’t know what is going to happen like how much pain you will feel, if it will hurt or not. That was how I felt going on that ride. I didn’t know how bad it would be, how much it will be scary and how bad the feeling in my tummy would be when we go down. I realize I probably did have anxiety as a young child but it wasn’t prominent then so no one knew. Instead I would be told to stop or being called a baby so therefore my feelings would be invalidated and I did feel then as a young child that my mom didn’t care about me. I just assumed then she knew because I didn’t know my feelings were not normal and my mom had assumed my feelings were normal but was over reacting or just whining. Ironically my mom is against people scaring kids and breaking them by making them fear you so they will listen but yet she did the exact same thing  to me when I was a kid. Then the time I didn’t have anxiety about being dumped on the side of the road because I figured I would just hitchhike home, my mom was mad because I didn’t have beg her to not leave me on the side of the road. Yes that is fear right there you are doing to your kids and you say it’s not good to scare your children?

Then there is ADHD. I can’t count how many times I have read online by people who grew up with undiagnosed ADD or ADHD, they always got in trouble for losing things and always got in trouble for not being able to sit still or pay attention or for forgetting things, etc. It was as if they were abused. I would call their abuse unintentional because no one was aware of their ADD then. I can’t imagine how hard their life must have been the the anxiety they must have had growing up and the low self esteem.

But because abuse implies intent, people will say they were not abused or say someone they know isn’t abusive because they know their partner or child doesn’t do it on purpose. Then of course when someone has a mental illness, their victims may still call them abusive and say their actions are intentional.

What about those who suffer from NPD or BPD, they tend to lack self awareness. They may not see themselves as being abusive. I noticed on the forum on Reddit by BPD victims that the borderliners tend to rewrite history so they have “amnesia” about their abuse they did to their child or partner. Jerry seemed to have rewritten hers when she said she did none of that stuff I said she did except for “taking too long” to give me back my Dish Network piece. Also people with BPD don’t realize they are being manipulative and may not see their behavior as manipulative because to their perspective they are just trying to get their needs met like everyone else. But that never matters to the victim. It only matters what the borderliner is doing, not their intention behind it.

Then there are people who have NPD and they also seem to lack awareness of their own behavior so to me it seems like their behavior is unintentional if they are unaware which is why it’s probably a disorder, an illness. Many people disagree that personality disorders are a mental illness and want to keep these separated from mental illnesses. But the truth is mental illness is also a spectrum. It can range from evil to none evil. Maybe people like to separate personality disorders from a mental illness because they don’t want the stigma on mental illness.

In a way I do feel sorry for those who have NPD and BPD because they are their own worst enemies and they didn’t choose to be that way and I can’t imagine having those disorders and hurting people and not even being aware and seeing myself as the victim. I cannot imagine having a disorder only to find out my own emotions are wrong and my feelings are wrong and not knowing when they are valid and not being entitled to them. We often hear that everyone is entitled to their feelings and that people should trust their gut instinct but that doesn’t seem to apply to those who have BPD. That only applies to “normal” people. Most stuff we read out there is aimed at normal people assuming whoever is reading it is “normal.”

I have anxiety but stuff I find online about what to do about yelling at your kids, none of the advice I read is helpful because it’s all about staying calm and stuff but what do you do if your kids are the ones giving you anxiety and you can’t be calm unless your kids stop? There is no parenting articles out there aimed at parents with autism or anxiety about yelling at your kids. And too much yelling is abuse so that would mean I am doing unintentional abuse.

Because abuse often implies intent and also has a bad stigma to it, no one wants to see themselves as an abuser even if their actions are abusive. Even the loved one doesn’t want to see their child or partner as abusive especially if they have trauma or a disorder or came from an abusive background themselves where they grew up around anger and abuse or neglect. I didn’t want to see Jerry as an abuser when I was with her so I always defended her and made excuses for her like she has anxiety, she is worried about what people might think of her, she has PTSD, she has AS so she is just being honest, her ex called her a pedophile so now she ignores me if I am not acting mature enough for her. But all that did was it hurt me and I let that all happen instead of sticking up for myself and now I have myself to blame. So that is why I will never ever let anyone abuse me again and no disorder or mental illness will change that and only their actions and how they treat me matter, not their intentions and I don’t care what their intentions are or if it’s on purpose or not. I need to care about my own mental health and protect myself from any abuse. I also need to stay away from anyone who is abusive. I still get triggers to this day from certain things I read when something reminds me of Jerry. I even had to block someone on a forum when she made a trigger post and what she was writing were similar feelings to what Jerry had so I took a great dislike to her and blocked her because she was triggering. But I wasn’t the only one who had blocked her because she had left that forum and I saw her posting elsewhere online saying she was ignored because people didn’t agree with her views. Her views? Is she shitting me, she was a bigot on ABDLs and then pulling the “I still love you” crap like Barney. Ugh.

Now here is an article that talks about unintentional abuse but it’s about parents doing it:

Understanding Unintentional Abuse

 

 

Is the changing definition of autism

Friday, November 11th, 2016

narrowing what we think of as ‘normal’?

 

I first learned about autism in 1997 in my high school psychology course. It was relegated to a small paragraph in a chapter on childhood disorders. The film Rainman had come out a decade earlier, publicizing the condition to a degree. But autism still wasn’t well-known – or well-understood, at the time.

That certainly isn’t the case today.

Since then I have been a special educator, an autism consultant, and, most recently, an autism advocate and researcher. I explore how both culture and ethics influence autism as a concept, diagnosis and lived experience. One thing that is clear is that the way we think about autism has changed.

https://theconversation.com/is-the-changing-definition-of-autism-narrowing-what-we-think-of-as-normal-47310

 

 

 

Family ignorance

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

I saw another question being posted online asking if anyone had ever had to endure bullying in the family.

Occasionally my brothers and their friends would deliberately make messes to stress me out and run off and hide or take my Barbies and pull the clothes off them and put them in my dollhouse having them hanging out of windows and denying they did it. This was about it. The rest was just typical sibling annoyance like going in my room, whining, messing with my dollhouse or playhouse and they were little so they didn’t know any better. I know my youngest brother didn’t whine to piss any of us off, that was just who he is. That was not bullying there, only when they would deliberately make messes to stress me out and what they did with my Barbies.

But when my brothers got older, they started to have friends over more and more often because they had reached the age where kids start to socialize and chit chat and always have their friends around. It started to get too much for me to handle because they would be in my personal space, make too much noise, make messes and move too many things around. I did not like it at all so it would stress me out. That was when my parents started to change. They would get mad at me for my anxiety and that started to make it worse so I got worse. I remember when i pointed this out to them, they said they didn’t change I did. Yes the gaslighting behavior I had to face. They didn’t see my perspective and see it from my side so they denied denied any change and said I was the one who changed. But meanwhile my brothers seemed to get worse and worse all because they were getting older and louder and I didn’t understand why I had all of a sudden gotten more sensitive to the noise and why I was having more anxiety than before. But no one gave a damn, it was made out to be my fault and even the pills didn’t work because I still had it. Maybe if I took them every day instead of when I was having anxiety, maybe they would have been effective.

Another problem I faced was lack of understanding from my family. My brothers were still too young to understand my condition so they just ignored my needs and my problems. They just kept on minding their own business and doing what they were doing not even paying attention to my behavior and my anxiety. I remember the nights of not being able to relax and sleep because I was so worried about my brothers making messes and it didn’t help when my parents would get mad at me about it.

Then we moved into our new house and that was exciting. We had lots of room now. But my anxiety was still worse because my dad decided to bring home a new puppy who wouldn’t learn to pee outside because he had his bathroom all backwards. Then it didn’t help that no one wanted to house train it and pay attention to it so tremendous anxiety I had. Then when that puppy passed away, I was better again but I still had anxiety because of lack of understanding from my family. Whenever my brothers had parties, I would get worse again due to the anxiety. There would be messes and I hated messes and it would stress me out. Also no one would pick up after themselves and I was very obsessive about a clean house and I would have anxiety about dirt and crumbs and dirty dishes in the sink or laying all over.

I remember I felt abused because I was having all this anxiety so it felt like I was being abused and tortured and tormented because everyone kept doing things that was stressing me out and they knew it did but they kept on doing it. When I tried to tell this to my mother, she just went “You only want to move out because you just want your way.” That was hurtful because that was implying I was just having a tantrum and being controlling. It was very invalidating. How hard is it to just wipe up your crumbs or just throw away garbage or put something away when you are done with it or how hard is to wipe up your spill or mess or when you do a drop on the floor? But her just saying I wanted my way makes it sound like I was only having tantrums and being manipulative to get what I want and that I was choosing to have anxiety and being all stressed out or that I was faking it. What happened to the mother that used to understand me? She said I was the one who changed, not her and I was just screaming like a two year old. I think she said that to justify her treatment of me than admitting she lacked compassion and understanding. I have been noticing a lot of people have narcissistic tenancies but it doesn’t mean they are narcissists nor does it mean they have NPD. My mom had that N tenancy. Avoiding responsibility, putting the blame on me, the gaslighting, finding excuses to justify her behavior. But I think it only becomes narcissist when they do it all the time and my mom doesn’t do it all the time. She only does it in certain areas but not in most areas. I don’t think she will ever understand and I don’t bother trying to explain it to her because I don’t want to deal with this and having all the blame thrown on me because that is like blaming it on an autistic person or on someone for being deaf or for being sick with a mental illness and I feel that is what she is doing with me. She is acting like I did this all on purpose and I acted it all out and I was being manipulative and having tantrums to get my way. She is acting like I wanted to be that way. No she never apologized for her cold behavior and for saying that or for her lack of understanding. That is why I think she still doesn’t get it. She doesn’t have anxiety, she is not in my head so what would she know. She doesn’t even know ASD gets worse in adolescence or she would have understood that in me. Even then I thought I was going crazy and I didn’t understand what was going on and why has it gotten worse for me? I even feel sometimes to this day that maybe I acted all that out and faked it and maybe I really was just being a bitch and wanted my way and I was using anxiety as an excuse. I even feel I should have tried harder and hold in my feelings and try and suffer in silence instead of showing it.

My therapist was no help either because he didn’t seem to have an understanding because he kept saying I was a police woman and using my own condition against me by saying “when people tell you to stop yelling, do you stop?” That is like telling someone “When people tell you to stop having a sensory overload, do you stop?” Also he acted like I wanted my way because he was saying how everyone puts up with stuff and my parents put up with the messes and noise for one night. For me it was pure torture while for most people it might just be an annoyance. For me it was beyond annoyance. But no one cared.

My mom also thought I was trying to be Asperger’s as if I wanted to have all that anxiety and always be so stressed out and always have daily meltdowns due to the chaos they were doing. Then she blamed it on my school counselor so she fired him. I think she just needed someone to blame and it was him because of what he said but I wonder what would have happened if he had said I had anxiety instead of Asperger’s. Then what? But I think she was just so upset because I had gotten worse due to the anxiety and my brothers getting older and what they were doing and their lack of following my rules so that made me worse so I think my mother needed him to blame. She just needed an excuse for me and used him because he became the culprit because of what he said. But she had accidentally found out from that that he wasn’t the right person for me to be seeing because he didn’t think I could get better, he didn’t say “it will get better once she gets passed these teens and she is out on her own.” He didn’t show sympathy for my mother. He also didn’t have faith in me and he told her my parents were wasting their money on me seeing a therapist and saying I will always be that way. So she was right to fire him due to that reason than for the other thing. Plus he was just giving me excuses and wasn’t teaching me how to cope and get better and he didn’t have a PH D but was acting like he was a therapist instead of just a counselor. So of how much he told me, I have no idea if it was BS or not.

But since my mom had told me my therapist had gotten me mad on purpose to get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings, I wonder if he was being ignorant of my anxiety on purpose to piss me off. Mom told me he wanted me to get mad at him and hate on him so I would get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings from over the years. Now I don’t know anymore of how much he said was truthful or just him trying to piss me off.

But once my brothers got to high school, they started to follow my rules so instead of being loud and doing running in and out of the house, they started to be quiet and stay in their area and taking off their shoes. I then started to not notice when my brothers were having parties or had friends over because they would be so quiet. They still watched TV and talked and played video games but they were not acting all wild like teens do when they hang out. My brothers finally were older so they started to understand and found a compromise. Then I was acting normal because of no more anxiety. I was calm and they were not doing all that chaos. So I got better again because of less anxiety. Then I moved out like I’ve always wanted since I was 16.

I am sure if I were to compare this to abuse and torment and bullying and saying that is what it was like for me and it was like they were doing it intentionally to upset me and make me stressed out and uncomfortable because I had already told them how it made me feel and how I don’t like it and how much it upsets me, it might come off as manipulation because they are not in my head so what would they know? They would just think I am just saying this to be manipulative and that I wanted my way and still trying to do that. So that is why I don’t really talk about it and I just keep it to myself and only share it online because I am sure they would understand, those who suffer from anxiety, those who suffer from OCD, those who suffer from autism or sensory processing disorder. But anyone else reading this, I am sure they would just think I am whining and being a cry baby because what would they know if they have never experienced it?

 

 

I read something hilarious

Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

This is like a Trouble and Shut Up joke and a Abbott and Costello joke except this was actually real.

I am reading a book called Stim by Kevin Berry. So Kevin and his flate mate have a kitten called Sex. One evening they couldn’t find her so Kevin goes outside to look for her. He wanders into an area he shouldn’t be in. Then a man grabs him asking what he is doing there mate. He shines a flashlight in his face. Kevin isn’t sure why the man is there and why he grabbed him but figures he came to join him to help him search. So he explains to him he is looking for Sex and asks if he is too. The man asks “what?” and Kevin goes “there in the bushes, shine your torch.”

The man does it and Kevin looks but could barely see anything because of the bright light. Who likes light shining in their face?

But instead it was a rabbit. No Sex.

The man says it’s a bloody rabbit and asks him what did he think was going on in there, people having sex, its a bit cold out there for that.

Then Kevin tells him it’s not people, it’s his little pussy, he has been looking for Sex for over a half hour now.

I am laughing reading this because I know he is talking about his pet kitten but the man doesn’t know that so I know how it looks to him. I would have just said “I am looking for my cat, her name is Sex” so they would know what I am talking about. But Kevin doesn’t do this because he has Asperger’s so he doesn’t realize the man has a different picture in his head and he doesn’t know his cat’s name is Sex and pussy is a term for a woman’s pelvis.

The man shines the light more in his face so Kevin tells him to quit doing it. Then the guy tells him he is coming with him calling him mate again.

Kevin could hardly see anything because of the light being shun in his face.

Kevin is led to the police car and taken to the station. Kevin texts his flat mate to tell her where he has gone. There is a police woman with them and the man explains to her Kevin was out looking for Sex.

“Oh is that right?” said the police woman. Then she tells Kevin he should try Manchester Street for that but for now they were taking him to the police station and there have been reports of prowlers in the area and cars being broken into and they wanted to question him about that.

So they are at the station and forty seven minutes had passed and Kevin got a text from his flatmate saying she found Sex and she had been locked in her bedroom closet and she had just fed her. Now she was waiting for Stef, the person who owns the house and had invited them to come live with her, to come home so they could pick him up in The frog, they called her car.

Then another police officer comes in and asks Kevin why was he on private property where he had no right to be and he had been told he was out looking for Sex.

“Yes,” says Kevin. Then he told him as it turned out, it was a waste of time because his Chloe, his flatmate, had sex in her closet all afternoon.

I am laughing again reading this because I knew how this looked to the officer because Kevin has failed to mention Sex is their kitten. He doesn’t mention any pet. Only the name.

The officer asked who Chloe is, his girlfriend and Kevin goes no it’s his flatmate and his other flatmate is Stef. Then he asks to please wait until they get here and they would explain everything.

But the officer asks Kevin more questions. He asked if they were having lesbian sex in their wardrobe.

Then finally Kevin tells him he means their kitten and they called their pet kitten that because it was a good short name easy to remember and spell.

But the officer didn’t buy it. He asked him if he expected him to buy it and Kevin goes yes but it was Chloe who named her that, not him.

But everything worked out after that because Chloe and Stef had arrived with the kitten and Kevin was released to go home.

Edit: I just found out this book was totally fiction and not a memoir. I finished it and went on Amazon to return the book and saw it was fictional when I looked at the page. How silly of me.

Something new I learned about bullying

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

I was reading a book at Barnes & Noble and it was about anxiety. It talks about anxiety disorders and I was reading the first chapter and he talks about teens and technology. He talks about bullying and he said something very interesting. He said when you are bullied often, you start to think there is something wrong with you, there is something about you that makes kids target you, you don’t see anyone else being bullied like you do, so you start to think something is wrong with you. It brings down your self esteem. He said what makes you a target for bullying is your reaction. REACTION.

Yes the bullying did make me think there was something wrong with me. I took the criticism kids thought of me and I tried to better myself. I started to study what was rude behavior and what exactly is showing off, I started to walk looking at the ground so I would stop bumping into people. I always felt bad for bumping into people because of my clumsiness so I learned to look at the ground when I walk and I will have more time to move my body when I see a kid in the way. I even started to copy “normal” behavior to be normal. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be respected, I didn’t want to be this mean and rude girl and a show off. Kids thought I was weird so I tried to stop being weird. I didn’t accept being different anymore. I tried harder to care about others so I wouldn’t be selfish anymore and spoiled. Also the author wrote to not listen to what kids tell you about yourself and it’s just their opinion. I sure took their opinions seriously so I started to obsess about being normal and trying to be this good person. I couldn’t handle the criticism. But the truth is bullies do not care, you can never impress them. But where do you draw the line for when to listen to someone’s opinion about you and when to not listen? If we never listen to anyone, we will never better ourselves and also when does a comment count as bullying? My mom doesn’t think I was really bullied, she just thinks I was just teased and I was too sensitive and I took kids comments too personally. She says they were just mean kids but she didn’t see any of it as bullying. She says the others were just innocent and I took it too personal, too literal. That seems common in ASD kids to take it all personal so they continue seeing those kids as the same people, I sure did. I didn’t want to be around the kids that made fun of me in the third grade for how I spoke. I didn’t want to be around any kid that thought of me as a show off or selfish or spoiled or rude or crazy or weird. I had true social anxiety around those kids because I felt so self conscious about myself so I had to watch my facial expressions, my behavior, how I sat, my body language. I don’t feel that way anymore because I don’t care what people think and I don’t care about normal. Besides what is normal anyway?

I was also rejected but I didn’t know why I was rejected. My own friends would avoid me and tell me to go away. I had poor social skills.

But I think kids are bullied for many reasons, not because of how you react. Transgender kids get bullied because they do not follow the gender role  Homosexual kids get bullied because they are not following the “norm” and kids are taught that being gay is “wrong” by their religious families or because their parents find it “sick.” Autistic children are bullied because of their poor social skills and because they don’t understand jokes and of course how they react to teasing so it makes them even more of a target. I think one of the things that made me a target for bullying was my reaction to teasing, the way I talked, I was socially naive, I was pretty sensitive. Kids also thought I was stupid or retarded and I did take teasing seriously and I remember getting upset by it too. So when I got upset by it, I think that is what made me more of a target for teasing. Most kids would just ignore it and handle it better and then the kids move onto the other kid. That didn’t happen with me because I made myself the target. Children with autism make themselves the target because of the way they react to teasing so the kids do it more. Kids do like to pick on those who are different. Different can be normal kids or kids with disabilities.

So the author is right that being bullied doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

I think bullying attributes to anxiety. It can lead to PTSD, social anxiety, depression, and of course low self esteem. I think the bullying may have lead to my anxiety and the rejections and causing me to be depressed. By 6th grade I wanted to kill myself and was already talking about it because I couldn’t handle it anymore and I was sick and tired of not being able to be normal. I was so obsessed with the word normal and I didn’t accept myself. I did try to to up my low self esteem by doing work by myself and being proud of it no matter what grade I got. Even my mom getting upset with me about my grade didn’t change it because I did it all by myself without help so I felt normal and smart. C is average so why feel bad about it?