Archive for August, 2016

Looks like I dodged a bullet

Monday, August 29th, 2016

with my forgetfulness.

Today I was helping my mother cleaning out the RV. I was wiping the stove and I was telling my mother about the apartment unit where there was a fire, it looked like the person had moved out. My mom said you couldn’t live with fire damage and I said it looked like they were in the process of moving because everything was in boxes and it was only one room that was burned. I also told her I saw a couple days later it was being lived in like nothing happened and I saw a fat woman in there and she looked to be in her 50’s. My mom thought it was sad because she is low income because she is renting and now she has lost her stuff.

My mom had a different perspective about all this because she called it all sad while I didn’t see anything about it except thank goodness she didn’t lose all her stuff and it was only one room. I told her I thought about using binoculars to peek in through the window from the train stop and my mom started laughing and saying that is so me, only something I would do. She told me what was I going to do, stand on the side walk and be a peeping tom and I get arrested. I asked if it was illegal and she said it was. I didn’t know that and it was only to see what the inside looked like and what stuff is still there and see if there is any smoke damage on the walls.

Good thing I kept forgetting to bring the binoculars with so I dodged a bullet there. she had moved out because the apartment is always dark and the curtains are always closed and have never been touched in weeks so I know she moved out. I still feel the urge to go over there and look in through the window since no one is living there and see what the door looks like and see if it still has a lock on it and if the hole in the door is still there from where the firemen had to punch one in to get inside.

Advertisements

The Dangers Of Self Diagnosis

Monday, August 29th, 2016

Journey Toward Healing

Result: 66/80
Probable diagnosis of PTSD

That’s the result from an online test that I took last night.

It started when a blogger friend wanted some advice on a post she had written. So I gave my thoughts on the situation. She was worried that maybe it was post traumatic stress (which, until this afternoon, I thought was the same thing as PTSD), so I suggested that she search for the DSM criteria on it. She came back to me and it turns out that she didn’t ‘qualify’ for the diagnosis.

By now I was curious too, and decided to also take the test. “Just for fun”. As I was reading the questions and working my way through them, I felt this chill run down my spine. Those questions struck a major chord with what I have been experiencing lately. And the high score I got at the end…

View original post 758 more words

Wikipedia gets it and some other webpages

Sunday, August 28th, 2016

When you google parental abuse, child abuse results pop up and other abuse results. But this page is one of the few results that pop up I am looking for.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_abuse_by_children

The other two pages talk about teens and young adults being abusive to their parents as if small children can’t abuse. I guess it’s because when a small child does abuse, you usually don’t fear your life or feel afraid of them and if they are grabbing knives and scissors, you lock them away and the matches too and anything that lights with fire. But I have heard of stories about parents fearing their child. Beth Thomas is an example of being a dangerous child when she was little. They even had to lock her in her room to protect her brother from her because she liked hurting them and she killed animals. Her parents had to renounce their adoption because it was the only way she could get help and to protect her brother. Then there is another story about Tom and Janice Colella who adopted a seven year old boy and still people turn a blind eye to kids being abusive and there still isn’t anything that protects parents from abuse from their children.

There are women shelters, there are services for elder abuse and abuse on the disabled, and even social services for child abuse but none for parental abuse. There are no laws about it. This seems to be a loophole in our law system about abuse. But of course you can charge your children with assault when they are teenagers but call the police on a child under 13 hitting you, the police will just laugh at you or get upset for wasting their time like what happened to Kelli Stapleton when she called the police on her daughter who was then 11 and by then she was calm and not doing her rages by the time they came. Despite her having a blog, still not much happened except she was getting money to help her daughter but still nothing because did they get another person to stay with them 24/7 to keep Issy off Kelli when she does her attacks? I assume they probably didn’t want to pay all that money for someone to be a bodyguard in the home who is bigger than Issy and can stop her when she does her attacks.

My husband thinks she should have been institutionalized because of her aggression and her inability to control it.  At least he understands parental abuse and knows how dangerous a kid can be but he reassures me it’s very rare for a kid to do abuse and those stories go on the media making it look common but those are just rare cases. Even Dr. Phil said Issy is the 10% of autism who are violent.

Parents may be going on the show about their abusive children and some may be showing videos online about it and photos of their abuse and the damage they do to the home, still nothing. That is why I am writing a fictional story about it and Steven tells my character in my story that putting it online doesn’t work so don’t do it. People don’t want to believe a kid can be abusive and violent so they will look for “proof” the kid is being abused and twist things around so if you are a parent and if your kid is harassing and bullying you and you finally get provoked by them, people will see that as the “proof.” I don’t expect my story to change anything because it’s fiction and not real life. The Bad Seed was fiction and so was The Good Son, none of the two baddies were real.

But yet Child of Rage didn’t change anything even though it aired in 1990 except Beth was actually abused when she was a toddler so she had RAD as a result of it and didn’t learn to bond or learn to have a conscious or learn empathy. Lauren Bennett of Lucky Otter’s Haven believes if they waited a little longer, she would have been beyond help because her brain would have been too far developed so at 6 and a half, she still had room to learn with the help she was given. She has been the only person I had ever heard about someone recovering from RAD. But at least her adoptive parents were given help and were taken seriously. They even made a documentary about it. So in my story Steven tells my character the only way to spread parental abuse awareness is to only show it to your kid’s doctor, show it to social workers, show it to your own therapist but do not put it on the internet because it doesn’t work.

I do wonder if Issy has a less chance in employment now because she is all over the web now about her aggression when you google her name. Plus there is a whole blog about her by her mother which is now dead. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to work with someone who tends to get violent when they get upset or mad but what if they had over came that? It will be on the internet. Despite there being a video about Beth Thomas, she still got her nursing job and she still got into college and now the video is online and she still seems to still be doing good with her life so the video didn’t ruin her. But I have seen some commenters saying she is in the closet sociopath or saying she is still probably one. Okay some people will still judge her and might not hire her because of her history if she goes for a different job.

More articles on parental abuse. The comments are interesting in the Empowering Parents article.

Signs of Parental Abuse: What to Do When Your Child or Teen Hits You

http://www.envisioncounsellingcentre.com/resources/parent_abuse.html

When Raising Teens Hurts: Parent Abuse by Dr. John Townsend

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/rise-in-parents-terrorised-by-their-children-7079798.html

http://psychcentral.com/lib/parent-abuse-by-teen/

http://www.internetjournalofcriminology.com/holt_parent_abuse_nov_09.pdf

https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-24/edition-3/responding-parent-abuse

 

 

 

A discovery about Jayden

Saturday, August 20th, 2016

On Reddit someone asked what happened to the person who took your virginity. Last time I saw my ex online, he was living in Bigfork, Montana and last time I looked his mother up, she was divorced and working as an artist. I decided to try googling his name to see if I find anything. I narrowed the search to his name and town name and I found a court document about his parents. Why was it even online is beyond me. So I read it and it was about their divorce and saying when they married and separated and they never had kids together, the husband had two from previous marriage and the mother only had Jayden who was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and lives in a one bedroom apartment and his mom helps him with daily assistance.

My mom had been right about him possibly being a schizophrenic and I had started to wonder years later if he was somewhere on that spectrum. I also thought he might have been borderline retarded and wondering if he was some sort of sociopath since he was a user and a bum. So I looked up paranoid schizophrenia to read more about it to see how much of him was the illness or just him and it’s hard to say. I do wonder though.

It said they lack interest in daily living, my ex stopped showering and brushing his teeth and was always on the computer and never got off.

He had no interest in working and wanted everything handed to him and he believed the government owned everything and could just take it from you and the government paid people to assassinate someone if they knew something they didn’t want them to know about. I knew then his thinking was weird and I didn’t like how he would get an idea in his head and believe it without finding any proof first. He had some bizarre thoughts.

My mom thinks he didn’t know how to interact with people even though me and him always talked and we also argued a lot too and we did go out and do stuff together.

He claimed he didn’t know the months in order and his seven days of the week and he said to remember how to do things, he has to do it over and over none stop and he told me he wouldn’t be able to remember how to get to McDonalds so I would still have to take him to work anyway even if he had his license. Then he changed his story to he can remember everything fine and won’t need a job coach for employment. He even denied telling me he has to do something over and over everyday for him to remember for 30 days straight.

He was naive so his cousin ripped him off and one of his friends. They stole from him and they said his games and computer were stolen from them but I think that’s a lie. I think they stole it themselves and pawned them off and his cousin really did pawn off his video games because they were in the computer system in the game store at the mall when we talked to the cashier while I was purchasing something. But my bullshit meter went off when Jayden told me his friends said his PC was stolen out of their apartment. I found it unlikely someone would go to their home and take only that and the fact why would they even go to that location just to break into an apartment. They lived in the country so theft is very unlikely.

He also thought I wanted him to cross the highway instead of the street that was between the gas station and supermarket and they were both on the same side of the highway.

He was a pathological liar, made excuses, and would say he did things when he really didn’t.

My mom mentioned he had a creepy look on his face when he would be at their house, it looked like a drug face, the look Dakota Fanning had on her face in Hide and Seek after she had witnessed her mother’s death.

My mother also mentioned the way he used his hands for gesturing was the way he did it she’s seen in people with schizophrenia.

I remember I had to nag him to do things like get ready to leave to see the movie Cars and nag him to get stuff done and he would say this was all retarded. I felt like I was taking care of a teenager and I was the mother nagging nagging nagging.

Perhaps he had gotten worse if his diagnoses is paranoid schizophrenia. I don’t know how much of his behavior was due to his illness when we were together. He came off as a user and someone who was trying to manipulate me and play mind games with me to get his way for his own good. He came off as someone who just didn’t simply want to work so he wanted everything handed to him and didn’t think money should even exist. He was very much of a communist but I knew his ideas wouldn’t work. He came off as someone who always made excuse after excuse blowing me off when I would try and help him and give him advice. He came off as someone who was too into being true into himself it made him an asshole and alienated him from his relatives and other people. He believed he had to change who he was if he had to change anything about himself such as cutting back on the teasing for me or removing his trench coat in 90 degree weather. But I don’t see him as a toxic guy nor as an abuser like I do with Jerry. I was also hurt by Jayden but he didn’t hurt me in the same way as Jerry did.

Well I got my answer for what was wrong with Jayden. Now I wonder if he was below average intelligent or was that also his schizophrenia. Even back then I felt like he often acted like his mind had been fried from weed. My mom felt the same way too about him. Now I know that was probably his mental illness and that is one of the things they rule out first before diagnosing schizophrenia.

But I was surprised with the label because I was expecting he had something lighter on the spectrum. He didn’t come off as he was hallucinating or being delusional and he never talked to himself nor shout out in the open air. He didn’t think people were spying on him nor were after him. He never did any false accusations on me except thinking his parents took all his money and spend it on their land which was Social Security money his mom got for him until he turned 18 because his bio dad killed himself. But like I say, he had probably gotten worse and schizophrenia is something that gets worse. He might have been at his early stages of it and he stopped brushing his teeth and showering when we were together. Then when I saw him in December of 2006 that year after we broke up, his hair was a mess and I could tell he had showered but didn’t brush it after he got out. I thought it was due to laziness. I did try to stay friends with him but it didn’t work out and I was less interested in seeing him and we still talked online and then I didn’t see him online anymore and he took me off his myspace friends because I had changed my name and he didn’t know it was me. I chose to not re add him and he didn’t bother re adding me. We just drifted apart. Then he tried to add me as a friend on Facebook in 2009 but I didn’t accept his request because I didn’t think it would be right to be his friend if I was still saying bad stuff about him because our relationship wasn’t good and he was a crazy ex. There was nothing positive to say about him. Only way to not say bad stuff about him is to pretend I never had a relationship with him and lie to the whole world about how many ex’s I have had pretending he never existed in my life. That means being silenced about my personal experience and what my first ex was like.

I have no idea what he is like today like how functional is he, what does he do now and is he working, does he drive. What things does his mother help him with. Does he still have friends. Is she in charge of his money. But it’s great he has support from his mother even though she isn’t able to work full time because she has to take care of him. Perhaps she can get him a caregiver or ask for help from the state. My mom says he would have destroyed me and I told her about this and she read the court document and she couldn’t believe they had it online for everyone to read. She said to me “Aren’t you glad you aren’t with him, can you imagine, he would have been too much for you to handle.” Even when I was with him, my mental health was going downhill and it was affecting my employment and my functioning and when I realized how much happier I was without him around, I broke up with him and I was seen as the bad guy by some people. They felt threatened when i would tell them the reasons why we broke up because they would ask. This is why people don’t tell you why they break up, they don’t know if you will judge them or not and side against them. Instead they leave their answers vague and don’t give you any detail no matter how much you ask.

When I was with Jerry, my self esteem was going out the window and I was feeling retarded and I was feeling crazy. With Jayden it was zoning out of reality where my co workers had to say my name several times to get my attention and I was finding myself in places and not even remembering why I was there. One time I realized I was in Wal-Mart and I couldn’t even remember how I got there and then I remembered I was there for cat food. I was told this was depression and I was told the loud bass at home was affecting my hearing so I was not hearing people at work when they would give me instructions and say my name. Jayden always had those big speakers connected to his computer so it was lot of bass he had from his game when he would shoot other people in the game. He had it on all day long and never stopped playing until like three in the morning and then he would get up around ten and play it again and repeat.  So with Jayden I was only losing my concentration and focus on life and zoning out and it impacted my work performance but luckily everyone there was patient with me and they knew it was my ex. My boss told me there she knew I would get smart when i told her the boyfriend was gone because I dumped him.

I just couldn’t help him when I tried and he got worse and he was getting worse. I couldn’t be his caregiver 24/7. I remember him telling me I gave up on him. Back then I didn’t know. I just thought he was lazy who didn’t want to help himself and he wanted me to take care of him. Maybe that is what he meant by I gave up on him. I did give up on him. He couldn’t get better and I am not his caregiver. Schizophrenia is something that gets bigger and he wasn’t getting any treatment and not on any medication. He didn’t think he had a problem. I wonder if he is getting any now.

 

 

 

Asshole or Narc, know the difference

Saturday, August 20th, 2016

Narcissist or A**hole? Know the Difference

My comment (which is awaiting moderation):

My ex leaned more on the asshole side but I still think he was more a covert narcissist. CN’s are harder to spot and they don’t fit into the description of textbook narcissism. That is why they are so dangerous, more dangerous than regular narcs and why they wouldn’t fit the criteria for NPD and many professionals don’t know about covert narcissism.

The following things he did were:

He was very vulnerable and very emotional and sensitive (Common CN thing)

Naive (also a common CN) and always a victim, nothing was ever his fault

Gaslighted me, he would say one thing and then deny it or claimed I said this to him

I had to walk on eggshells and I had to watch what i said and how I said it and I had to keep my feelings bottled up or he would get upset

He would use his kid to humiliate me and he also made fun of me because of a tone he would use about certain things about me

He was very controlling and tried to subtly cut me off from my parents and he would call me self centered to get his way and he would ignore me unless I acted the way he wanted me to act and then he would go “I don’t want to be a control freak so I won’t make you do it” but yet still get upset with me.

He would deliberately trigger my anxiety and try and make me uncomfortable like driving close to the mailboxes to make me think he was going to hit them.

He had to put others down to make himself feel better so he always put my family down

He was very critical of me and the things I liked and what games I played and what shows I watched and nothing I did was ever good enough for him

I think this went beyond asshole. My other ex was an asshole but he was no way a narcissist. I think he did some manipulation too but it was only for because he didn’t want to work and didn’t want to help himself so he had excuses always. It wasn’t for control. But I felt my second ex was controlling except he wasn’t telling me to do things or making me but he used emotions for it which was manipulation. Trust your gut instinct. I also felt he would doing it on purpose to trigger my anxiety and he knew I had anxiety. He even kept a piece from me I needed to return to Dish Network and I told him how much it meant to me and what consequence I would get if I didn’t get it back to them. He didn’t give it back until I had a meltdown and was panicking but I think he did it for his own good because I was saying online about it how I could get a lawyer and get him arrested and send Dish network after him and saying how my dad wants to come to town and get it from him at his work.

He fit lot of the profile for covert narcissism and lot of it makes sense now for his behavior. I didn’t want to label him as such but when the shoe fits, it’s hard. I did lot of reading about it and hours of it before deciding and also reading stories by other victims of narcs. I have heard worse stories so I am glad mine wasn’t that bad but it still hurt me and affected my thinking and changed my views. For years I just thought he had social anxiety and cared too much what others thought of him but now I know it was for his self image and ego and he was trying to control what others think of him and I just thought he had depression but now I know it was because he couldn’t do the image he wanted others to see because of his income limited it. He wanted a nice car and nice furniture and a nice house but couldn’t have those so he was depressed about it and to me this was silly and I didn’t care about his apartment or what he owned and what car he drove. He also claimed he had PTSD to justify his behavior towards me, because his ex called him a pedophile he said, he used it to hurt me by ignoring me because if I was too immature for him, he would ignore me until he thought I was acting mature enough for him. He also used Asperger’s to not get my perspective and to not even try, he would just go “Oh that is too abstract for me to understand.” Plus none of it ever added up about his “diagnoses.” I read this is a common CN thing to do, use medical labels to justify their abuse and to get away with it and to tell his son everything about me to humiliate me and used honesty as an excuse to be critical of me and to not care about my feelings. And another thing, he was always complaining I was making him looking like an asshole or a control freak and for years I just thought he was paranoid and worried too much what others would think but now I think he might have been called those before and now he was trying to control it. I do realize now he was aware of what he was doing so instead of trying to change it, he was trying to control what others think of him and not to see that side of him. Also he had me believing I was worst off than I really was and I felt so bad about myself, he acted like I was retarded and low functioning and used it against me. Lot of his actions were confusing and that was the whole point, it was to distort my image of him so I wouldn’t see the real him. But actions speak louder than words.

But I do think narcissist has become a buzzword to mean asshole or when someone does something we don’t like or we find annoying. I wouldn’t call someone that over one thing such as them doing selfies. Narcissist has become the “I am so OCD” because they like things organized or don’t like things out of place or uneven things.

After meeting my husband and being with him for 9 years, I do see a big difference between someone caring what others think of them and them wanting a private like between my ex.

My husband is not so controlling to a point he has to listen to everything I talk about and having to listen in on our conversations and he isn’t telling me to quit talking to people online who aren’t female or aspies. He isn’t so private to a point he acts so controlling about it. I bet the reason why some narcs would have a very private life is because they don’t want people to know the real them, they want to keep their false image. They have so much low self esteem they create a false image and want others to see it and when they can’t have their false image, they get depressed. My ex was not able to live up to his false image like having a nice car or nice pots and pans, nice home to live in, etc. so he was bitter and an unhappy person and me telling him I don’t care for that stuff didn’t matter to him, it was all about him. He was not rich but he wanted to create this false image of himself.

Also people who have low self esteem do not put others down and are not critical of others. That is beyond normal low self esteem. That is leaning more on the narcissist side. That is also why the overt ones exaggerate and lie about their achievements while the covert ones will put you down for it and judge others for their achievements. Did I ever mention in this blog how he said people living up on the hill were snobs because they lived in those nice big houses? He was also overly jealous and there is a difference between a narcissist being jealous and a non being jealous.

How dare they

Wednesday, August 17th, 2016

Today I had a anxiety attack when someone decided to defend my former abuser. My hands were trembling and my heart was beating and I couldn’t be bothered to write a novel to defend myself. It would be scary to assume this person is an abuser himself or unless he didn’t know what he was talking about because he doesn’t know what my ex did to me and how he treated me. He doesn’t know my ex would deliberately try and make me uncomfortable by driving close to the mailboxes to make me think he would hit them. But I was smart enough to know he would never wreck his car so I wasn’t worried. He quit doing it. That abuse backfired on him.

The person also doesn’t know he would try and humiliate me by telling his son everything about me and make everything his business.

According to my mother the kid would be rude to me and my ex would say “he is right Beth.” I don’t remember this luckily. I had no idea the son was also not nice to me and his father enabled it so more abuse there he did.

He doesn’t know my ex would also use his son to abuse me by saying stuff to him and his son would agree like saying how I am so much like a child than an adult.

He also doesn’t know my ex would try and change me by ignoring me until I act the way he wanted me to act. He would also say things like “I don’t want you to change because I want you to, I don’t want to be a control freak. I want you to change only when you want to change.” But I would still feel he wanted me to change or he wouldn’t be ignoring me.

He also doesn’t know my ex had abrupt mood changes. My mother told me when we first met and he was out in Montana visiting us, he said at the table how I would never be able to do this or that and my mom said I am very smart and I made good grades. My ex says in a  sneering tone according to my mother, “she was in special ed” and then he looked at me with a aggressive facial expression. My mother knew instantly this guy wasn’t right for me but she kept her opinion to herself.

He also doesn’t know how my ex tried to subtly cut me off from my parents. He would have to listen in on our conversations and he would tell me what to say to them, he would argue with me and interrupt while I would talk to my parents and my mom remembers she would hear shouting in the background and I would call them less and less because I would only call them while he was at work or inside a store and I would also step outside to talk away from his apartment. So that backfired on him because I started to do it when he wasn’t home.

He doesn’t know I had to walk on eggshells and I had to be careful what I said and how I said it or my ex could get very upset and I even had to bottle up my feelings.

He doesn’t know my ex would take things I say not literal to take offense but yet he would take the non offensive things literal I would say so this raises red flags and it can’t be a coincidence.

He doesn’t know my ex used ABDL against me. He decided everything I did was ABDL and would ignore me until I acted the way he wanted me to act if he felt it was mature enough for him.

He doesn’t know my ex had such low self esteem he had to put everyone down and my family too

I don’t even know how my ex love bombed me and how he convinced me I was worst off than I really am and low functioning and he obviously thought I wasn’t very smart because he compared me to Forest Gump and he told his son about it and he agreed with his dad.

He doesn’t know my ex took some stuff from me like my paycheck I was supposed to get, he kept some of my stuff like laundry soap and cleaning supplies I accidentally left behind and the only thing I got back from him was the piece for Dish Network they wanted back when I cancelled. He doesn’t even know my ex waited until I had a meltdown to give it back to me. I never forgave him for that.

He doesn’t know my ex and I planned to go out and then he cancelled the last minute because I was on the toilet.

He doesn’t even know my ex would gaslight me. He would say one thing and then denied he ever said it and say I said it not him. He also claimed he didn’t change I did.

He doesn’t even know my ex would put me down to try and get his way so he would call me self centered and it was so I could do what he wanted me to do.

He doesn’t even know whatever I did for my ex was never good enough. I was still “self centered.”

And to say it sounded like my ex was an aspie is a overstatement because how dare anyone try to say autism caused someone to abuse me. So I said I was not going to go there about aspies being abusers and being one of those women on AS Partners and that type of thinking is dangerous because that is how victims enable the abuse and let them get away with it. They make excuses for their abuser by playing the medical card. Also victims have turned into bigots by saying autistic people are abusers just because they thought their autistic partner abused them due to the autism. Does he even know how my ex and I would have to meet his ex girlfriend in a parking lot to get his son and to drop him off and she was always with her boyfriend. This should have been a red flag and it does make me wonder how bad my ex was to his ex girlfriend like did he beat her or hurt her and she felt threatened and unsafe around him. Also she wouldn’t allow her daughters to talk to him and he was not allowed to have any contact with them.

I will never know how he treated his ex, I couldn’t find her on Facebook to get her side of the story. But I can guess he treated her how he treated me minus the ABDL. How he treated me got worse and worse and this person doesn’t even know that.

I should not have to defend myself to anyone online who decides to defend my ex when they have no idea how he treated me and what I went through. I don’t care if anyone disagrees about him being  narcissist just as long as they say he was just a jerk or an asshole or had BPD or some mental disorder or a personality disorder but not autism. I didn’t care if my mom thought he had problems with anger and that my dad thought he had low self esteem and didn’t feel good about himself so he had to put others down to make himself feel good.

Now in the future I will try and ignore any comment that defends my ex to justify his abuse. I also won’t even visit that thread anymore because I don’t want another anxiety attack if there is a drama there and if the person still defends my ex. I just can’t take it.

Sleep Problems

Monday, August 1st, 2016

I have no idea if I already wrote about this but here it is.

I have always had issues with sleeping ever since I have been off my medicine. I used to take anti depressants and then I decided to get pregnant so I weaned myself off them as directed. I haven’t been back on any medicine since.

Before then I would sleep all through the night and get tired and just go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time. But then around age 23 I started to wean myself off the medicine and I started to have issues sleeping ever since. I can still go to sleep but it would take hours and it would be hard to fall a sleep and once I am up I can’t get back to sleep. I do go days now where I don’t get enough sleep and then i get so tired now and then I just go to bed early and no matter how early I go to bed, I still wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep so I am up for the rest of the day. So to say I need to get to bed so I get enough sleep is a understatement. My whole life I have always had issues going to sleep. Bed time was hard and even though I would be sent to bed at the same time every night, I had to lay there. I wasn’t allowed to read or play. It was lights out. When I would say I couldn’t sleep, I would get told ‘Just try.” I didn’t dare to get out of my bed to play because I would have gotten into trouble and mom yelling at me and I hated being yelled at. My mom would also give us medicine to help us sleep. I remember my brothers taking it too. One of the liquid medicines stained my front tooth so now I have a white spot on it. I had that since I was about seven.

Why do I have sleeping issues, I don’t know. All I know is my brain doesn’t want to go to sleep. Last night I made myself go to bed early because I was falling asleep and I felt my body wanted to crash so I closed my computer and turned the TV off and went to sleep. I didn’t get to sleep right away but I rested my body and I could just feel it wanted to sleep. Then I wake up and it was 3:32 in the morning and I decided to just get up since I wasn’t going back to sleep. So only a few hours of sleep. I am not sure how long I had been laying there for before I decided to just get up for the day.

Even as a kid my mom’s excuse for sending us to bed was we would be too tired the next day if we didn’t go to bed but I would wake up and still be too tired and I was never a morning person as a child. It was hard to get me moving through the morning before school so my mom would call me the Pokey Little Puppy and if I took too long getting downstairs, she would get really angry and change her voice into a screaming tone and her face would be all red. I always hated when she would get that way but it got me to move quicker because I didn’t like it and I would get all tense and anxious from it. Luckily my mom didn’t use it as a short cut to get me to move quicker every morning, she only did it if I was slower than usual which wasn’t very often. But yet when I was a baby I always got up at six so my mom got up too than forcing me to stay in my bed. Luckily none of my kids wake up that early.

My issue with “other health impairment”

Monday, August 1st, 2016

This was the category I was under from 6th grade and up. Before I was under communication disorder, multi handicapped, and developmental delay from what I remember according to my past IEP reports. In 7th grade it was Autism.

But something about the OHI bothers me. It just means having having limited strength, vitality, or alertness, including a heightened alertness to environmental stimuli, that results in limited alertness with respect to the educational environment. Then it says “that (a)is due to chronic or acute health problems such as asthma, attention deficit disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, diabetes, epilepsy, a heart condition, hemophilia, lead poisoning, leukemia, nephritis [a kidney disorder], rheumatic fever, sickle cell anemia, and Tourette syndrome; and (b) adversely affects a child’s educational performance.”

I don’t like the idea of my learning style of being called a health problem. I was diagnosed with ADD as a kid. I don’t know if I was placed under here because of my anxiety and OCD but that was also my medical DX by my doctor in high school because I saw the paper for it. I try to not let this category bother me. I remember being 17 and I first saw this as my IEP category and asked my teacher about it and she said “it’s just a category” when I asked her what it meant. I didn’t like the idea then that my health was being called impaired when I was fine.

In middle school and high school I had a full time aide, I was taken out of class if I had my outbursts or got too upset because of something a person said or the teacher did or me not getting something and not understanding an assignment. My social skills had to be worked on, I had to turn my work in on time and be more aware of my needs and asking for help, my work was modified to make it more concrete, I would be given a different book to read for English that was easier for me to understand, I would be taken to the resource room with the other kids and do a test together, I had to remember to raise my hand, I didn’t need to fill out my agenda much in high school which was one of the goals I had for my IEP when I was younger. In middle school I was just in the resource room full time and only went to a few classes with other kids like PE, art, script writing, choir and my IEP goal was to fill out my agenda and use details and also to transition to other classrooms from the resource room and also to get along with people and work on my relationship skills with people and I was better with transitions by then.

I wish there was another category in the IEP called “Other Disability” because that is so much better than being told your health is impaired because of your different brain wiring. ADHD is a different brain wiring too but yet that is being called an health impairment as if they are not healthy. Why not call all the other disabilities and mental problems a health impairment?

I also asked my mother why I was under other health impaired and she said nothing else fit. She said other health impairment was for to help me in areas I needed help in.