No longer identifying my ex as an aspie

Monday, August 31st, 2015

For years I said my ex boyfriend Jerry had Asperger’s because he told me he did and had it confirmed by doctors. But I had also thought over the years he made it up because of things he said about getting tested for it didn’t add up. Right when he got home after visiting me, he told me a few days later he got tested for it and did the tests and they said he would have been diagnosed with it as a kid (AS wasn’t known then when he was a kid but I assumed they meant if it was known then he would have or if he was a kid in present time, he would have) and they told him they couldn’t make it official because they only did it for kids. But anyway I have been online for too long and I have seen aspies write how they have to wait months or weeks before they get an assessment done on them and then they have to wait another week or more to hear back for their results to hear if they have it or not. For my ex this all happened in a day which sounds fishy. Also he was always getting money from his grandparents to pay for his food and gas, his attorney, etc. but yet he couldn’t get money from them to pay for the official DX he wanted? That also doesn’t add up. I also went to my autism group and Roger Meyers and several other members there were diagnosed by Dr. Gene Stubbs who also diagnosed me and they were all adults when diagnosed and it was at the same place where my ex was told they only did children. Also in the local ASAN group, the group leader emailed out some information to members who were looking for a DX about places to go to and the same place was listed. That raises skepticism about Jerry.

Then I would think no he has it because he was black and white and concrete and he had above normal hearing and acute sense of taste and smell and he didn’t like tags in his clothes. He also told me about his childhood. But how do I know he didn’t make any of it up? I know he could hear well because he said one morning “it’s raining outside” and he haven’t even looked outside yet so I looked and there was rain coming down.

Then I came across covert narcissism and that sounds very much like him. I also noticed a few overlaps between autism spectrum disorders and covert narcissism but when you look at the list, they are not the same.

Here is what is said about it:

Covert narcissists by contrast, are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are the most tricky and perhaps most dangerous sort so let’s focus on them. Covert narcissists are underhanded, deceptive and act behind the scenes. They pretend to be lovers, givers, altruistic, loyal and kind. These individuals are projecting to the outside world a calm and patient mirror but on the inside, they are as deeply selfish and narcissistic as overt narcissists.

Both overt and covert narcissists have grandiose fantasies, feel entitled and exploit and abuse people but the main difference between overt and covert narcissists is that unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists know that showing or displaying their true self will get in the way of achieving the power, recognition and the self centered success they crave.

They worry a lot about their lies being found out and are very vulnerable to stress but unlike overt narcissists, they don’t believe themselves, what they want others to believe about them. Covert narcissists don’t possess the confidence levels of overt narcissists and are prone to feeling guilty about thinking they could ever be something they know they can’t. They put up emotional barriers and try their best to suppress these feelings and not expose them to the outside world. They don’t feel guilty, however, about hurting others so in that sense they are the same as overt narcissists. They are still very competitive, conscious of their actions and calculated in their actions.

So how do you recognize a covert narcissist? The only sure fire way is to be close to that person from a personal angle, to have a personal relationship with them, because covert narcissists can’t hide forever from those who are personally involved with them but despite that it can take a long time before their cover is blown.

The tell tale signs to help you recognize a covert narcissist:

  • Emptiness, seems to have something missing that you can’t quite put your finger on

  • Stubborn, rarely apologising unless they want something from you (see narcissistic supply)

  • Ability to make you feel guilty, even when something is not your fault

  • Entirely self centered; they are the center of their own universe

  • Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation

  • Projecting their insecurities and defects onto you

  • Very sensitive to constructive criticism

  • Inability to form intimate relationships

  • Inability to feel genuine remorse

  • Blaming others for their problems

  • Low emotional intelligence

  • Highly materialistic

  • Extreme lack of empathy

  • Superficially charming

  • A victim mentality.

This was all him. He came off as shy and anxious and naive and innocent. He felt invisible around people he said and he was a very private persona and he always worried what others thought of him. Unfortunately this made him act controlling. He also had low self esteem so he didn’t like himself and he over compensated. It is a stereotype that all narcissist have high egos and love themselves. But some of them don’t like themselves. He was also overly jealous. I did not pick up on his abuse because he came off as he didn’t know what he was doing and he said he had Asperger’s so I had to be tolerant and patient and not be one of those ignorant normies. But he had hid behind it is why. I did not think he would do any of this on purpose and he showed loyalty and caring but it was all about him and to make it look like he was good. I was fooled and covert narcissist are harder to spot because they come off as nice and good people in public. They are hard to spot. They are very hidden, even the victim may not see it. But it makes so much sense about him I actually felt excited because I had discovered the truth and it was more closure for me and it told me it was not my fault so what I did in it was irrelevant but I can still learn from it. I think he just hid behind, Asperger’s, PTSD, and anxiety. But they are vulnerable to stress and anxiety and that was him alright. Sure few of these things might be found in others who are not a narcissist. I have anxiety too and also cannot handle stress but that doesn’t mean I also am a narc.

Rather my ex was aspie or not, it doesn’t matter. That is irrelevant if he had it or not. I decided I would no longer identify him as having it and will no longer say I was in a relationship with one. He was toxic and it’s bad enough we have a bad stigma and that we are known for causing divorces and ruining marriages and that we will rip up your low self esteem and tear you down emotionally. Why contribute to it by saying my ex was aspie and he was all these things? That is feeding into the stereotype about autistic people being toxic and that we are abusers and will bring down your low self esteem. I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist. People will disagree and they may and will and they may say he was just a jerk or asshole, not a narcissist. Some may say he was just nuts. It is also politically incorrect to be in a bad relationship with an autistic person because whenever one mentions it, they are automatically seen as bad and as a narcissist. Which is why I would fail to mention Jerry was aspie whenever I talked about the bad relationship. I have seen the negativity by autistic people about women on AssPartners and other places where there are horror stories. But then some have said their partners are not autistic, they are narcissists. I think they may be right because after I had been reading about it for the past two months, I think their partners and ex’s are a narc than autistic and I think people often confuse the two. This should be great news for them on AssPartners but sadly it’s not because they get offended when they are told it’s not autism and even suggest their partner or ex was a narc.

Me finding out my ex was a narc was wonderful news because I could scratch off that over sensitive people are bullies and toxic, jealous people are bad, people with low self esteem should be avoided, etc. because that was not it, it was the narcissism. My husband also doesn’t want people to know about him but the difference is he doesn’t act all controlling about it or get mad at me for talking to my parents or try and pry in our conversations and being all worried what I said and talked about or what others may think. My husband also has a private life but it doesn’t mean he is also a narc, it just means he does it in a healthy way where he isn’t all demanding and controlling and all toxic where I have to cut my parents out of my life or else it would upset him. When I was with Jerry, I just waited until he was gone to call them or go outside and talk and I can remember my mom telling me I called them less and less. This is how narcs makes their victims cut off contact with their families and friends. But my ex hid behind anxiety and his insecurity and his worries for this behavior for me to not see it. But my parents saw right through it and I always told them he worried too much what others thought of him and he was worried about me saying things to them that would be inaccurate and give them the wrong idea about him. Now I know this was convert narcissism and now I know it was about him not wanting to be discovered and found out than what my parents might think of him and what others might think and it makes so much sense why he was so private. He just had a secret he didn’t want out. My parents had been right about him even though they didn’t say he was a narcissist, they just said he was crazy, he had to put others down to make himself feel better, he hated women, had no respect for them, he would have cut me off from my family and taken all my money, I was on Social Security so for him it was free money, he treated me like I was retarded and my mom said he was an asshole. She also doubts he was abused and that he had PTSD. I am sure she doubts he had Aspergr’s too. She said he was all “poor me.”


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