Archive for the ‘humor’ Tag

Trump is really making America great again

Sunday, February 19th, 2017

Just look at the progress made since the election:
1. Unprecedented levels of ongoing civic engagement.
2. Millions of Americans now know who their state and federal representatives are without having to google.
3. Millions of Americans are exercising more. They’re holding signs and marching every week.
4. Alec Baldwin is great again. Everyone’s forgotten he’s kind of a jerk.
5. The Postal Service is enjoying the influx cash due to stamps purchased by millions of people for letter and postcard campaigns.
6. Likewise, the pharmaceutical industry is enjoying record growth in sales of anti-depressants.
7. Millions of Americans now know how to call their elected officials and know exactly what to say to be effective.
8. Footage of town hall meetings is now entertaining.
9. Tens of millions of people are now correctly spelling words like emoluments, narcissist, fascist, misogynist, holocaust and cognitive dissonance.
10. Everyone knows more about the rise of Hitler than they did last year.
11. Everyone knows more about legislation, branches of power and how checks and balances work.
12. Marginalized groups are experiencing a surge in white allies.
13. White people in record numbers have just learned that racism is not dead. (See #6)
14. White people in record numbers also finally understand that Obamacare IS the Affordable Care Act.
15. Stephen Colbert’s “Late Night” finally gained the elusive #1 spot in late night talk shows, and Seth Meyers is finding his footing as today’s Jon Stewart.
16. “Mike Pence” has donated millions of dollars to Planned Parenthood since Nov. 9th.
17. Melissa FREAKING McCarthy.
18. Travel ban protesters put $24 million into ACLU coffers in just 48 hours, enabling them to hire 200 more attorneys. Lawyers are now heroes.
19. As people seek veracity in their news sources, respected news outlets are happily reporting a substantial increase in subscriptions, a boon to a struggling industry vital to our democracy.
20. Live streaming court cases and congressional sessions are now as popular as the Kardashians.
21. Massive cleanup of facebook friend lists.
22. People are reading classic literature again. Sales of George Orwell’s “1984” increased by 10,000% after the inauguration. (Yes, that is true. 10,000%. 9th grade Lit teachers all over the country are now rock stars.)
23. More than ever before, Americans are aware that education is important. Like, super important.
24. Now, more than anytime in history, everyone believes that anyone can be President. Seriously, anyone.
– Susan Keller (Copy and paste to share.)

I read something hilarious

Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

This is like a Trouble and Shut Up joke and a Abbott and Costello joke except this was actually real.

I am reading a book called Stim by Kevin Berry. So Kevin and his flate mate have a kitten called Sex. One evening they couldn’t find her so Kevin goes outside to look for her. He wanders into an area he shouldn’t be in. Then a man grabs him asking what he is doing there mate. He shines a flashlight in his face. Kevin isn’t sure why the man is there and why he grabbed him but figures he came to join him to help him search. So he explains to him he is looking for Sex and asks if he is too. The man asks “what?” and Kevin goes “there in the bushes, shine your torch.”

The man does it and Kevin looks but could barely see anything because of the bright light. Who likes light shining in their face?

But instead it was a rabbit. No Sex.

The man says it’s a bloody rabbit and asks him what did he think was going on in there, people having sex, its a bit cold out there for that.

Then Kevin tells him it’s not people, it’s his little pussy, he has been looking for Sex for over a half hour now.

I am laughing reading this because I know he is talking about his pet kitten but the man doesn’t know that so I know how it looks to him. I would have just said “I am looking for my cat, her name is Sex” so they would know what I am talking about. But Kevin doesn’t do this because he has Asperger’s so he doesn’t realize the man has a different picture in his head and he doesn’t know his cat’s name is Sex and pussy is a term for a woman’s pelvis.

The man shines the light more in his face so Kevin tells him to quit doing it. Then the guy tells him he is coming with him calling him mate again.

Kevin could hardly see anything because of the light being shun in his face.

Kevin is led to the police car and taken to the station. Kevin texts his flat mate to tell her where he has gone. There is a police woman with them and the man explains to her Kevin was out looking for Sex.

“Oh is that right?” said the police woman. Then she tells Kevin he should try Manchester Street for that but for now they were taking him to the police station and there have been reports of prowlers in the area and cars being broken into and they wanted to question him about that.

So they are at the station and forty seven minutes had passed and Kevin got a text from his flatmate saying she found Sex and she had been locked in her bedroom closet and she had just fed her. Now she was waiting for Stef, the person who owns the house and had invited them to come live with her, to come home so they could pick him up in The frog, they called her car.

Then another police officer comes in and asks Kevin why was he on private property where he had no right to be and he had been told he was out looking for Sex.

“Yes,” says Kevin. Then he told him as it turned out, it was a waste of time because his Chloe, his flatmate, had sex in her closet all afternoon.

I am laughing again reading this because I knew how this looked to the officer because Kevin has failed to mention Sex is their kitten. He doesn’t mention any pet. Only the name.

The officer asked who Chloe is, his girlfriend and Kevin goes no it’s his flatmate and his other flatmate is Stef. Then he asks to please wait until they get here and they would explain everything.

But the officer asks Kevin more questions. He asked if they were having lesbian sex in their wardrobe.

Then finally Kevin tells him he means their kitten and they called their pet kitten that because it was a good short name easy to remember and spell.

But the officer didn’t buy it. He asked him if he expected him to buy it and Kevin goes yes but it was Chloe who named her that, not him.

But everything worked out after that because Chloe and Stef had arrived with the kitten and Kevin was released to go home.

Edit: I just found out this book was totally fiction and not a memoir. I finished it and went on Amazon to return the book and saw it was fictional when I looked at the page. How silly of me.

Those Brits nitpicking their country/nation

Saturday, November 28th, 2015

After my last blog entry, I thought about how nitpicky Brits are about their country. If you come to the United States and say you are in the USA, we won’t nitpick you telling you you are not in the US, you are in (insert US state you are in) but that is what they do over there. If you go to England, Scotland, Wales, or Northern Ireland and say you are in the UK, They will correct you what country you are in. They will say you are not in the UK, you are in (insert UK country here you are in)  and they consider it offensive. I wonder if they do the same about our country. They go to Florida and they go back home and instead of telling everyone they went to the US, they say they went to Florida and if someone told them they went to the US, would they argue and say “No I didn’t go to the US, I went to Florida.” You then tell them “So you did go to the USA” “No I went to Florida because that is where I only went, I didn’t go to every US state.”

I was once in a chat room and I said I went all over the UK because we had went to England, Scotland, and wales but those Brits nitpicked because they told me I didn’t go all over the UK, I just went to those three countries and going all over the UK would mean I went to Northern Ireland.

Oh for fuck’s sake. So I guess by their logic I have never traveled all over the US because I didn’t go to every single US state when my family took that long road trip in summer of 96. But we did go across the country like my mom and I did with England Scotland and wales but we didn’t go in the southern part of Wales, we only stayed north and we only stayed in southern Scotland, we didn’t go up further north but we did go up to northern England and west and south but not western Engand where the Atlantic is nor did we go south of London where Dover is nor did we go close to the English channel. I accept this much be their culture way of speaking and this is how us Americans talks. I live in North America, no you don’t live in North America, you live in the USA. No you don’t live in the USA, you live in Oregon. This is just how it looks to me when they nitpick when you say you are in Great Britain or the UK instead of saying you are in England, Scotland, Wales, or Northern Ireland. It’s different if you thought England was all of the UK and that Scotland isn’t part of it or Wales or the Northern Ireland so they correct you. That is like saying Oregon is the whole United states. But I can still imagine that argument with a Brit about me living in the US or North America. But at least they don’t nitpick about what part of London you are in or what country you are in. But I did notice when I was there they will nitpick how you say words so therefore you have to say things their way when you are visiting but yet we don’t go nitpicking accents here when someone comes and visits and says a word differently because that is how they say it where they are from. I was corrected to say “Oughts and crofts” instead of “arts and crafts.” At least no one told us to speak with an English accent or with a Scottish accent or with a Welsh accent. But yet I read online that it annoys them when you try and fake their accents when you are visiting but yet I seemed to annoy this English lady when I said it the American way so she had to get me to call it Oughts and crofts. That is how they say it there with their accent. But to me that is like arguing over how to say the word vase. Some people pronounce it “voss” because it depends on where they are from and in one part of our country, that is how they say it but on the west side, we pronounce it as  “vaise.” But it was only one lady that did it, no one else but from reading around online, lot of them seem to nitpick about the name UK or United Kingdom or Great Britain. I have seen people say they live in the UK but they could mean England, Scotland, Wales, or Northern Ireland and some will say what country they are in.

Different cultures, different ways of speaking and they say we are the dumb ones but I could say the same about them. Makes me wonder if they nitpick other things.