Wednesday, January 25th, 2017
Back in high school my mom bought me several new books. One of them was Gathering Blue and the other one I read about about a girl who had a very mean sister and she was abusive. She was even abusive towards her parents and towards her own mother and towards the girl’s friends she would scare them away. The mean sister’s name was Pamela. I forgot what the protagonist’s name was. But then their mother dies and Pamela didn’t like the rules her dad was setting so she runs away and talks her younger sister into running away with her. She would act nice at times but she would also act like a real bitch. But because she was so mean, she was declared disabled by the state so she got disability while the younger sister worked. The protagonist had this nice cat sweater that belonged to her mother and one day it disappeared. Pamela didn’t know where the sweater went. I suspected in the book she took it and probably threw it out because she was mean and not supportive and didn’t care about anyone. She would put anyone down and spit. She was a bully. If I remembered the title of it, I would read it again to refresh my memory.
But in the book Pamela dies I forgot by what but she died and I don’t even remember how the younger sister took it or how she reacted but I remembered if I were her I would have been so happy she was gone because there would be no more abuse. And she did find her sweater. it was locked away in the kitchen cupboard and it had a bunch of holes in the sweater from moths. I knew Pamela took it. I always wondered why the parents let her get away with it and not punish her every time she is mean and they made it a disability for her. I thought she should have just suffered and be homeless until she learns to be nice to people. But it was a book and it never specified what disorder she had so maybe the author made the illness up in the book. What if being mean to people and a bully was a disorder and they really couldn’t help it because it was the way their brains were wired? They were unable to act nice so therefore it was a disorder. You can make up any disorder in a book and the readers or the audience is left guessing what could be wrong with them and sometimes they do use a specific disorder and it’s very obvious what they have because they give them textbook symptoms or the stereotypes and sometimes they only give them some symptoms and the audience will still armchair diagnose them. based on a few symptoms they see. In Benny & Joon, one thing that was a dead giveaway was when Benny told Sam that she sometimes hears voices and that told me she was a schizophrenic. Other people guessed Bipolar because they can also hear voices. But then she is with Sam and all of a sudden she is “normal” because she isn’t acting too different anymore like she was at the beginning of the movie. Then when Benny took him away by kicking him out of their house, she was back to acting different again. With Sam you could see his writing and know he is a dyslexic and he had a hard time with writing because Joon had to help him. Jerry called him an idiot lol and said that wasn’t dyslexia because he didn’t have any letters spelled backwards or out of place. He only had misspelled words. Talk about stereotypes. My husband also has it and he doesn’t spell anything backwards or letters but he does have a hard time with spelling. He hates reading so he doesn’t read books unless it’s something that really interests him like outer space just like how Sam would read about Buster Keaton so obviously he could read. Jerry would probably call him an idiot too.
So back to the book, I wonder if such disorder really exists where someone is unable to act nice. Even narcissists can act nice. Ted Bundy sure acted nice but yet he is still diagnosed as having NPD and ASPD by professionals. I don’t think he was ever given the diagnoses to his face nor did he had it on record but those were the labels that had been given to him after his execution. I don’t know if they were given to him in prison while he was still on death row. He lived a double life before he was caught. There is a difference between being a nice person and acting nice. just as long as someone is able to act nice, they are not impaired by their meanness. But if their meanness gets in the way where they can act nice enough for it to not impact their life, they have a disorder. I wonder if such thing exists. Pamela’s meanness was very pervasive because she was mean to everyone; her sister, her parents, her sister’s friends, other adults, etc. that she had to be on disability. No one would tolerate the abuse from her and her bullying and her disrespect. Even I wouldn’t want to be around her so I couldn’t understand why the younger sister ran away from home with her but Pamela had convinced her to come, perhaps she manipulated her younger sister to run away with her by saying things about their father and convincing her it was all true. That time she acted supportive and nice but I think it might have been manipulation. God what was the name of that book?
I realize now she might have had an illness where she was unable to be nice to people so her parents punishing her wouldn’t have made her good. When her dad did set limits and rules, she runs away and talks her little sister into doing it. Anyone reading this might be thinking of disorders like borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, oppositional defiant disorder. But I think none of that. She just acted like a bully and seemed to like picking on anyone and just saying mean things to anyone to make them feel bad and she didn’t show any other signs like fear of abandonment or self harm or suicidal or low self image of herself or high ego or exaggeration of accomplishments, she wasn’t impulsive, etc. I kept thinking of my elementary school years where kids would call me names and put me down and every time I imagined what Pamela looked like, I kept picturing my old friend Jennifer who was also mean to me so I imagined the little sister always had Jennifer with her but it was 24/7 instead of only 45 minutes a day, five days a week because I only saw her on the playground in 5th grade and then her family moved so she was gone. But if I were to read the book again I could change my mind because I might not remember any other stuff about Pamela except for her meanness and bullying and the put downs and I can’t remember any specific ones she has done except taking the sweater and lying about it.
Tuesday, January 24th, 2017
So I am in another group about being raised by narcissists and I have realized my mom has some of the tenancies and so did her parents and her oldest sister has them too. Wow, there was even narcissism in my family and my mom had FLEAS. But I turned out fine.
So someone made a thread on there talking about when she was six and how her mother would take her shopping and just leave her in the department store. She would wait for a real long time and being this mature six year old, she would go to a store employee and report her mother missing so they would call her over the intercom and it would turn out her mother wasn’t in the store and she was elsewhere so she would come back and get her. This happened three times and after the third time, this time they didn’t give her back to her so they took the mother to the back and never again did her mother leave her in the store again. She swore her mother was trying to abandon her and was trying to have her get kidnapped.
I wrote how you have a higher chance of winning the lottery than having your kid getting taken by a random stranger so if some parent thinks they can just do that, a random stranger is more likely going to try and help the child find their parents and report them to a employee or call the police to try and find the parents and then the parents would be arrested for child abandonment. Someone responds asking me if this is a chance a normal parent would take and never mind the kidnapping, an unsupervised 6 year old can get into mischief and this was a department store. I told that person my point was it’s very very difficult to have your kid get taken by a random stranger and you have a higher chance of winning the lottery than intentionally losing your child to a random stranger. That person responds back just today and asks So, leaving your child unattended in a department store is responsible parenting because the chances are very small that the child will be kidnapped/murdered? I told her I never said that, I said it’s very very difficult to have your child get kidnapped by a random stranger and you have a higher chance of winning the lottery so if the OP’s parent thought she could just lose her and have her get kidnapped, she was very mistaken.
I always hate these kind of conversations and if she responds again twisting my words, I am done with her. I do not deal with idiots and she could just be trolling me. I will update this post if she replies again with a idiotic response.
Tuesday, January 24th, 2017
So I am in a online group for people who are in a relationship or were in a relationship with someone with BPD. I can sometimes relate to them and lot of times I can’t because their ex’s are so different than my own and their stories are worse than mine. Someone decided to make a thread about trying to make negative memories into positive memories.
I made a post talking about what positives I saw in Jerry. I wrote it taught me what my limitations were. It taught me what I can handle and what I will tolerate and what my boundaries are. It also taught me future red flags to spot a future toxic person. I also learned to never be a martyr and it won’t make you a bad guy for not tolerating such behavior in a person even if they claim to have a disorder. If they are not able to change that about themselves or even try, you won’t be the bad guy if you leave them nor does it make you not understanding. Being understanding does not mean tolerating abuse or letting them hurt your feelings or treat you a certain way. I also learned you shouldn’t just give someone a chance to change because what you see is what you get and don’t ever assume it will get better. If anything gets worse, don’t assume it will get better. This is what my ex taught me. Sure there were other positives like how special she made me feel when we met or how understanding she acted towards me and accepting and she had a very good sense of direction and had a GPS in her head because she used to work as a delivery person so she new the area well and she used that skill to avoid traffic because she didn’t like being stuck in traffic.
Edit: I also should add she also taught me how not to treat people so I will always use the Dish Network thing as an example about how I should just do things for people when they tell me how important it is because I don’t want them having anxiety and also giving them trouble and screwing them over because of me. Just because I don’t find it important doesn’t mean it’s not important for the other person. Do not be a Jerry. Also no making empty promises. Do not say you are going to do something if you have no intention of doing it or if you can’t do it because it’s too inconvenient for you or if you don’t think you can do it fast enough or can’t set a time to do it. So toxic people can be real good role models for how not to treat people and how not to act. That is how I always viewed Disney villains as a child. They taught me how not to act and how not to treat people. But do look at the good people and see how to treat people and how to act. If someone does something you don’t like, they had just taught you how not to treat people.
Friday, January 20th, 2017
Someone asked on a forum why some people feel free to tell her their first name and others don’t feel comfortable. She also mentioned some she has been talking to for a while she still doesn’t know their first name and doesn’t understand the secretive behind it and it’s not like the first name will give out their location or where they live.
I replied in it saying when you put your first name online and information like your personal experience and your problems, someone online can still pick you out and know who you are because they happened to know you in real life like from school or from work or they could be your ex. I would call it a coincidence because what are the odds of someone lurking on the same forum you go to you know in real life? Even if you don’t use your first name, you can still be picked out who you are just by what you write about yourself but if that happens the chances are they knew you in real life.
I forgot to mention on the forum that if it’s about something online and you were talking about a incident or your personal experience online, someone online can still pick you out even if they don’t know your name or where you live because they knew you from another forum so they only know you by the username they originally knew you as. I have kept recognizing a same user online I knew from a forum on other websites no matter what name she uses. Why? Because she is always talking about fat acceptance and talking about when she posted on a racist forum because they understood her and understood her hyperacusis about loud kids and she also keeps talking about how parents should keep their kids quiet and only take them to Chuckie Cheese. Even the childfree people have hated her and banned her from their forum and she gets banned from about every forum online she goes to. She once had a fit when a parent wrote how she had to do cut backs because she lost her job so she had to cut out luxuries so she cut the internet and this person called it child abuse because she was denying her children internet by canceling it just to save on bills and to get by in life until she got another job. Plus she has used the same username for other forums and then she started to use different names but it’s still easy to pick out who she is because she doesn’t shut up about fat acceptance and how kids should only be at Chuckie Cheese and she talks about when she posted on a racist forum. I told her if she will leave her past behind and quit talking about it fat acceptance, people won’t know who she is. That is how people always figure out who she is. But unfortunately she made a very bad mistake and has to pay for it for the rest of her life on the internet because her past will always follow her. Never join a racist forum and pretend to be racist and the fact she used her username she had used on other forums which was the worst mistake she could ever make. Even though that forum is gone now, people still know about it thanks to her past.
Thursday, January 19th, 2017
My mom is someone who will armchair diagnose someone and sometimes her diagnoses could be correct. Remember when I wrote when she told me she thought Jayden might be a schizophrenic and I scoffed at that idea? it turned out she was right he did have it even if it wasn’t very obvious then. He wasn’t hearing voices or having hallucinations and he wasn’t talking to himself and he wasn’t violent or getting into trouble with the law. He didn’t do any crazy stuff nor did he think he had anyone spying on him or had people after him. But he did have bizarre thoughts and he would form a speculation and jump to that conclusion and say it’s true.
Then we were watching the Dr Phil show the other week and there was a woman on there who was so convinced she had caner she would discredit any doctor. She really believed she had these symptoms and the tests always came back positive so she would go to doctor to doctor and her only diagnoses she had was anxiety. My mom said she had Munchausen. I knew this woman was not doing it for attention, she really thought she was sick and is dying and doctors were failing her. What happened was her own mother died because she had untreated cancer because doctors missed it before it was too late so the woman didn’t want that to be her so she is worried she is sick and has all these symptoms when in fact they are not cancer symptoms.
She is a nurse but she thinks she can just diagnose people and when I was 19 she told me if she thinks this one boy named Nathan we knew when I was a kid if he had Asperger’s because he took the bible too literal and what his parents taught him. Is that all? He has Asperger’s over being literal about the bible and what he was taught about boys and girls? He thought girls were weak and you had to be mean to them and make fun of them because they are girls so he would tell my brothers they can’t be nice to me because I am a girl. He had no respect for girls. So my mom thought he might have had AS over this?
Then there is my dad, mom told me about how she and my father went to this nice restaurant in some tall building in downtown somewhere on the top floor. My dad sees the desserts and he starts mentioning the prices and saying how much Krispy Kreme doughnuts you can get and he starts laughing. My mom was thinking “shut up please” and the waiter who was there looked at my mother and my mother could tell by the look on his face he was embarrassed for her. People were looking at them. My mom told me she is starting to think he has Asperger’s. Asperger’s because of this incident?
Then there is Bones. My mom says she has it but my dad has that same opinion too as her and many people have speculated she has it so it’s not just my mother and her armchair diagnosing she is doing.
My mom has even placed labels on me like PTSD, social anxiety, addictive personality. All these labels she keeps giving me I wonder what her next diagnoses will be. This all used to annoy me and same as when she would armchair diagnose another person and now I am finding it hilarious. I am going to see what other crazy diagnoses she can give people. But for Jerry, she told me she thinks he had problems with anger. She has not armchair diagnosed her with anything except thinking he had problems with anger. I have not told her yet he is now a she because it feels too awkward for me to tell her and the fact my mom doesn’t understand transgender. Maybe someday I will tell her.
She has also not armchair diagnosed my husband with anything yet.
But what my mother also does is she will put medical labels on people over a few symptoms and not literally mean it. I called her out on the PTSD one and she said all of a sudden “Okay it’s just a label, you do not have PTSD” and then she goes back to talking about it again and me. That is how she talks. She will even say behavior is part of X but she doesn’t mean they have X. That is how she talks. To me it’s just Mom being Mom.
Wednesday, January 18th, 2017
I am glad to say my son is finally back in school again and all the roads are clear but still some slush and ice but kids are back in school again and my son was happy and I was happy because I would hate for the kids to miss so many days of school because then they would have to make up those days in June and it would make their summer vacation shorter.
But we are having heavy rain and it’s raining so hard, I can’t even work outside to shovel but I got the storm drain uncovered last night so we wouldn’t have a big puddle in front of our house and so I could get out the next day and so our basement wouldn’t flood. It did drain and there are still big puddles because of the slush but it’s still draining and I can’t just keep shoveling to make it all drain out or I will get soaked.
And I got a surprise, a flat tire. My husband came in the house and called my name and told me to come here and he said I had a flat tire. I had just driven it this morning and the tire was already flat after I was home. I don’t know how that happened but it was pretty bad because it’s very flat and I have no way of changing it. But luckily we have a spare car. I can use my mother’s car until my parents get back and I have thought about calling All state Motor Club but they only do roadside assistance and I am not on the roadside. It’s on my driveway so it’s not really an emergency and the car isn’t blocking any other cars from getting in and out so I can still get out of the driveway with my mom’s car and then my dad will help me figure it out when they come home Monday. I don’t know what he did with the tire blower thing and I don’t have a jack or any spare tire parts because those got misplaced when we moved so that is why I have roadside assistance.
Ironically I saw a car with a flat tire this morning on the way to taking my son to school so they had two lights flashing and I figured they already had help on the way and I would have no way of helping them anyway. Their back tire was also pretty bad and now I have one too but it’s on the other side.
Also we have not been getting our mail because of the snow so I had to mail the Gamefly game at a post office because I know it wouldn’t be picked up from my mail box if the mail man is skipping it. I saw him skipping other mail boxes too yesterday while going to work and we were expecting freezing rain so I left early and got done early and there was no daycare to do so I was only there for less than two hours before going home and I was the last to leave and guess what, no ice. We had dodged it but the town where my son goes to school to had ice and there were all these commercial trucks parked on the side of the road because they closed the freeway because of the weather. It’s been closed for a week now.
Thursday, January 12th, 2017
This was one of my favorite songs when my favorite movie was Benny & Joon and I also love parody songs and I found a song that does a parody of it.
I found another but this time it’s a Minecraft version
The laughing is really distracting in this
Pokemon Go version
Hitler version the politically incorrect one
Another Pokemon Go version
And there are many others on youtube.
Wednesday, January 11th, 2017
We are getting hit with snow again because we just had it this weekend and it only lasted a day and then the next day it was just all covered in ice because we got freezing rain and everything became ice and then lot of it melted yesterday and now today it was cold again and it started to snow when I picked my son up and it got worse around 7 and then it got so bad we all left early except for one person and I made it home without getting stuck.Snow will delay the trains and buses here so that is why we took off. I didn’t want to be stuck and stranded and it’s nearly impossible to drive in the city because of gridlocks and they don’t plow the roads because they don’t have very many of them since snow is rare where we live and they don’t sand them either or put gravel down like they do in Montana. Plus lots of collisions and people abandoning their vehicles and they will leave them in the middle of the road because they get stuck on ice. I will not drive in this city because it’s just too dangerous when there is snow. It would be nice if the city required everyone to put snow chains on their tires. That would make the city a hell lot safer to drive in and I would feel safe on the roads. Our snow is very deep so far. I can tel by looking at the tables outside. So my son didn’t have school yesterday due to ice but he had school today but he won’t have it again tomorrow. He will be so disappointed. But at least he will have homework so school is still in session. This is the 6th time they have had to close school since the middle of December.
Monday, January 9th, 2017
I want to say here there won’t be anymore posts about my other going crazy because I decided I am going to keep it private and only write about it in Microsoft Office to keep track of the incidents as they occur so I know how often this stuff happens and then bring it to my husband’s attention and see what he thinks and my dad too because I feel too nervous bringing it up to my mother. No need to have the whole world read it even though less than 10 people read this blog a day.
Saturday, January 7th, 2017
Today my mom came home from work and I was in the middle of reading a intense book on my Kindle. I was so focused on the story I couldn’t switch gears from the story to my mother. My mom comes home and she starts talking and I just want to be left alone. I hate interruptions. She asked me if I had a better day today. Better day? What better day? I had a bad day yesterday? I tried to think of yesterday and what happened that day. I couldn’t remember anything bad happening yesterday. My son was in school, my daughter played all day, I was on my computer and she played hard and kept herself busy. I think my mom’s brain was at it again. But I was too focused on the story to even ask what happened yesterday and she goes “sorry I bothered you” as if she had gotten the hint I was trying to read.