Archive for March, 2016

My low self esteem

Thursday, March 31st, 2016

I do get low self esteem about myself. I feel dumb, I feel not bright, I feel I am slow and I fit the characteristics of a slow learner as a child. I saw a thread on Wrongplanet and it was about if anyone didn’t go through a teen rebellious phrase. All of them didn’t as a kid and very few said what they did as a teen that might have been seen as being rebellious. Then members start to talk about how people on the autism spectrum are better at abstract reasoning than normies and another one said they are and they do so good on the matrix tests and so do low functioning autistics so I took one and I did bad at it because the patterns were too abstract and not concrete and I couldn’t figure out the pattern so I felt all bad about myself. I have always been told I am very concrete and I am a concrete learner and I have a hard time with abstract thinking but yet I will read that people on the autism spectrum are literal thinkers and concrete. Plus I am very visual but yet I suck with abstract reasoning?

I talked to my husband because I am having low self esteem and maybe I am a slow learner and he said I am not slow I am very smart. I tell him I fit the characteristics of a slow learner, I preferred younger children, I was childish, I was socially immature and emotionally immature and that is all found in slow learners. Plus I got A’s B’s and C’s and he told me he got F’s and D’s and is he dumb and I said no. I asked him to tell me about slow people and how are they different than me so he told me about a slow learner he knew in high school. He was very childish. i told him I am too and he told me I just choose to be and I said that was my personality. he said I can go into adult mode, he can’t.  He told me the way he talked and used words you could tell he was not smart and the things he thought and how he thought but he couldn’t give me any examples. Then we talk about Jayden and he tells me he was not smart so there it is right there, I am smart. I said about the time Jayden told me I would still have to take him to work if he got his driver’s license and I told him it’s on the side of the road, you can’t miss it and it takes you straight there when you go on the highway. Then he told me he wouldn’t know how to get to the highway so I told him he could follow me to the highway and he can go the rest of the way there by himself and he can’t miss McDonalds because it’s on the side of the road. I then said to my husband either he really wasn’t that smart or he was trying to be manipulative but he did a poor job at it because I had a hard time buying lot of things he said.

My husband also told me slow learners are very trusting and I told him “so are autistic people” and he told me they will believe everything you tell them and they are very easy to manipulate. I told my husband I am gullible and will believe everything but he told me those people will believe everything even if the story is too out there. I told my husband about the time I was at work when I used to work at a hotel and I ran into a  guy there who told me he was in the mental hospital and he used to own the place but someone tricked him and now he no longer owns it. I was unsure to believe the story or not and my husband told me I can e unsure if a story is true or not, that doesn’t mean I am dumb. I asked if it was a sign of intelligence and he said yes.

My husband told me this slow learner he knew in high school, he saw him on the bus and he always goes with a guardian whenever he leaves his house because he is too trusting. it is what the state requested for him. He is to be watched when he leaves his house. I said to my husband people always leave me alone when I go out so how would they know he is slow if he looks normal and my husband said it’s the way he acts and talks is how they can tell. That makes the world sound so scary like there are that many people who would prey on a slow learner. That makes me wonder how many people are in prison due to being a slow learner because someone had took advantage of them because they were trusting. They are not considered handicapped or disabled by the law or in the medical field. Lot of them can usually live on their own without needing any daily assistance and they usually work non educated jobs and live in low class.

I live like a slow learner. I wonder if I could manipulate a slow learner and how little skill it would take.

This morning I go to the forum again and find the thread gone, I wonder if my low self esteem killed it. But this is why I don’t do IQ tests and my husband wouldn’t do the non verbal test because he said it’s not accurate and only real doctors can give out accurate IQ tests. But I still feel slow even though you can find the same characteristics in someone who has autism.



Another theory for my son’s ASD label

Tuesday, March 29th, 2016

It is a possibility I didn’t say anything wrong or unintentionally exaggerate. My cousin who lives in her parents house here said schools get more funding when a kid has a ASD. So I think the school district may have done it to my son to get more funding so they can help him. With ASD being so big these days, schools will try and put kids on it to get more funding from the state so they can help these children. My mom understands they are also doing the best they can so we have to do the best we can. So we are in the process of trying to set up an appointing with the clinic to test him for a diagnoses because he clearly needs one now. My mom thinks ASD is too broad, too extreme and she admitted she doesn’t really understand it because there are so many components with it. Yes everyone has a little symptom there and here but it doesn’t mean they are on the spectrum. You can read about it and it may sound like you but it wouldn’t mean you have it. You can read about it and relate to it but it wouldn’t mean you have it because they are are degrees, there are over laps. Even I don’t understand the ASD criteria too much and my mom said she had read it at the library and she doesn’t understand it. So we need to get my son tested and see where he fits. They might even have to round to a nearest label meaning they would have to find a criteria for closest match to his symptoms. Not everyone will fit into a box and that is a issue with labels too.

So this all could be about the funding and I didn’t do anything wrong with my answers.

Different perspective

Tuesday, March 29th, 2016

Today at my son’s appointment I had to fill out a little questionnaire. The question I got was “Does your child play well with other children? Yes No. I didn’t know what to circle. It was yes and no. He plays fine with his cousin, he plays fine with his sister, he played fine with an autistic boy I heard from my in law, but when he is at school, he doesn’t play well with others. I hate black and white questions. SO just write a line in the middle for in between because neither. if it’s both answers, line. If it’s off and on, line. If it varies, line. And some questions I skip because they are too hard for me to answer. I do not like absolute answers and black and white questions that don’t give you a free answer.

My mom told me to put yes for “Does your child play well with other children?” and I said “he has a hard time playing with other kids” and my mom said “he plays well with his cousins, in large groups he gets overwhelmed.”

Okay so here it leads to this question. Frankie had Asperger’s, ODD, anxiety and ADHD. I heard he had a hard time with other kids. But we both played well together, my brothers played well with him until he started to get violent with them when his hormones changed. Okay so would that mean his mom would have to say yes to “does your son play well with other kids?” because he played well with me or with my brothers? Also the question doesn’t list age groups or what type of kids so how would you answer it about your special needs child? What if your kid was on the autistic spectrum and there were neighborhood kids that were just very accepting and always invited your child to play with them and they always came over and played with them, would you then answer yes to that? By to my mom’s logic, of course it would be a yes.

Now that leads to how would I answer that question about myself as a child? Would it be yes because I played well with my brothers or played well with other kids in my self contained room, I played well with younger kids, I played well with my own friends at my house but yet other times I didn’t play well at all so what would my mother have answered? I was bossy, I did get upset, I had a hard time at their houses, I had a hard time relating to them, I had a hard time in school starting around 4th grade.

I do have a hard time with black and white questions when there are so many possibilities. Do any normies have a hard time with black and white questions?

My mom and I both have two different perspectives. I see both, she only sees one just because my son can play well with his cousins.

I guess if you want your kid to be normal as possible, pick the best answer to the questions as possible. If you want your kid to be different as possible, pick the worst answer to the questions as possible. Neither of the answers would be a lie because you had to pick because it wasn’t black and white, it was both yes and a no.


Apparently I do talk to myself

Tuesday, March 29th, 2016

I keep hearing how people on the spectrum talk to themselves and I always tied this down to a personality thing. My mom always talked to herself when I was little so I thought she was crazy. She is not on the spectrum and she is NT. My ex boyfriend, Jerry, talked to himself, he was a narcissist, not on the spectrum. I have seen this question in the older version of the RDOS quiz about do you talk to yourself and it’s listed as an autistic trait. I have never seen it listed as one in the medical field except for on the autism forums. I would rather rely more on the medical field that on hearsay.  But anyway my husband tells me I talk to myself as I type or read because I mumble or whisper. I don’t realize I am doing this. I do hear the words when I type. I hear my own voice in my head as I type or read. My husband has also told me he can hear me talking to myself upstairs. I wonder if I really talk to myself in public and if anyone has ever thought I was crazy. I always thought I talked to myself in my head and have my own conversations in my head so this is talking to yourself but the test never said if you talk to yourself out loud or not. It only asked if you talk to yourself but it doesn’t say if it has to be out loud or not. But anyway I think this is just a personality thing.

Parents being illogical.

Monday, March 28th, 2016

We have a 3 year old boy and hes getting completely out of hand. It gets to the point where hes screaming, kicking, hitting, screaming “leave me alone”, all the time. Yes it is when he doesnt get what he wants or when we tell him to do something and he refuses. We have tried time outs, light spankings, sending to his room for the night, and our last resort has been taking away all of his movies and toys. But it doeant seem to phase him. Hes normally an amazing caring kid but this monster is taking over our lives and making me and my husband fight. He refuses to listen, and it seems all the punishing we do doesnt seem to work. I have super high anxiety and all this screaming thats coming from our son is ruining my mind. I need advice, i need some support and i need to vent. Is there anyone else out there that has had a similar experience that they feel goes beyond the “terrible twos or threes”? – ps sorry for errors and grammer im on my phone.

On Reddit this was posted by a parent. She posts about how nothing works for her child and he won’t listen and throws tantrums when he doesn’t want to do something they tell him to do. These all sound like concerns. Also the fact he is aggressive and she labels him as a monster and asks if anyone has similar stories about how they feel that goes beyond the terrible twos and threes. Another concern there.

So I said it looked like ODD to me and it’s time to talk to the pediatrician. I get 18 down votes so that is my record so far for down votes. People get offended over a label and a suggestion and even my responses are being down voted. Someone said it looked like a normal three year old to her and someone else told me ODD is too young to be placing on a three year old.

All these parents seem to be forgetting that the OP wrote this goes beyond the terrible twos or threes and why did she have it in quotes? Also why is she calling him a monster? Does this sound like normal behavior to anyone? It doesn’t to me if she is labeling him as a monster and saying it goes beyond the terrible tows and threes. Parents in the thread  are being illogical.

Hey if your kid is taking a step above the means, call their doctor, tell them your concerns, they may refer you to someone to get your kid tested and there might not even be a label. They may see some things and tell you what they recommend.

And I saw another poster ask if the parent is doing rewards for good behavior and made a comment about light spanking and then said to look out for ASPD. Two down votes.

But yeah read the post in the quote box and tell me what you think?



The stress of no credit card

Monday, March 28th, 2016

So my husband has me use my credit card so we won’t go over drawn because he pays bills. A couple weeks back our card was hacked so a new card was sent out to us. It was supposed to take 7-10 business days and those days go by and no card. I started to have anxiety because no card, that means I have no money. So it’s been eating away inside my brain and when things aren’t fixed now, it takes a toll on me so I start to have anxiety and then I can’t cop as much. It’s like I can’t do everything at once. So lately I have been having anxiety and I was very anxious yesterday and antsy and spaced out because of all this. Worst of all I did find out our credit cards came but they got lost by my father. I hate it when people touch my mail and move it and I never saw it. I had been looking in the mail box every day and asking my dad if anything came from Wellsfargo and he said no every time so more anxiety there because I knew it came but it got lost and I was left without a credit card.

Today I had to watch Spectre before taking it back to redbox. Also the house needed to be cleaned because the kids made a mess with their toys and food and candy wrappers and that was also driving me crazy because it was all chaos. We also had to take in our PS3 to get it fixed. It either needs to be cleaned or the laser went out. My husband also talked to Gamestop and they said the PS4 does not play PS3 games. It’s always good to do your research before buying anything. So we go out and I take back the movies and then I stopped at Wellsfargo on the way to try and get our credit cards reshipped but instead the teller couldn’t do anything and said I would have to talk to the banker. Both bankers were there but they were busy with other people an I didn’t want to wait. I didn’t know how long it was going to take so I just left. Then we dropped off our PS3 and then we stopped at the US Bank and my husband signed me up there for a credit card. I didn’t even want to stop for any Streetpasses which was at Home Depot and I didn’t want to stop to eat because I didn’t feel good due to the anxiety and I just wanted to go home and clean, I wanted to be back ASAP to do it. Then we got back and my husband called them and paid $16 to have them shipped out to be here by Wednesday and they cancelled out the other credit cards. I am starting to feel better knowing that this is fixed and put behind me now. No more stress and have it eat me away inside my brain. I also did clean but it turned out it wasn’t that bad. I did pick up the toys and some garbage and that was it. It was like my mind played a trick on me. Our daughter is sleeping thank god. She fell asleep in the car and I brought her inside and up to her room and she opened her eyes when I placed her down but she went right back to sleep. i covered her up and left. I can’t vacuum of course because she is sleeping.

Now tomorrow is our appointment with my son’s pediatrician about his school evaluation. I am going to show him the report card too and his evaluation report and have him read through all that. I don’t know what he would think or say but my mom wants us to get a  referral and have him professionally tested. Maybe that explains all the doctors I used to go to as a kid because my school would try and say I was having this issue or had a disorder so my mom would take me to my pediatrician and get referrals because they are the experts and the school staff are not. Sometimes schools have experts too like school psychologists but I don’t know if they have the same degree as psychologists or if they even have a PH.D

What gives me anxiety

Sunday, March 27th, 2016

I get anxiety when things don’t go my way

I get anxiety when things don’t go the way I planned or expected it

I get anxiety when something is on my mind and it can’t be fixed right now

I get anxiety over change in plans

I get anxiety from stress

I get anxiety from my children because of their screeching and screaming and them not listening to me and because my son asking if he can get this or that and whining and crying and not listening to me and not taking no for an answer

I get anxiety when my kids make too much noise and cause chaos and fight

I even get anxiety from too many interruptions and when I can’t be alone and have down time

I get anxiety when I feel I am not in control and when I feel my life is out of control

I get anxiety over prices going up like in bills which is why my husband handles the finances

I get in anxiety about the unknown and when I don’t know what to expect

I get anxiety about things not getting done due to limited time

I get anxiety when I am uncomfortable and forced to be in that situation and I can’t get out of it

Dog pee indoors in my own home gives me anxiety which is why we don’t have any pets because I don’t want to toilet train it

Having too much to do gives me anxiety because it’s all thrown at me at once and it takes me out of my routine

Being bored gives me anxiety when I have been waiting for too long

I get anxiety when my stuff gets touched too much and moved around

I once got anxiety when I couldn’t find the TV remote because I always watch Dr. Phil when I get home from work and then someone took the TV remote again and I got anxiety about it because someone took the TV remote and you can’t turn the TV on without it or even watch the show without it because it’s on TIVO

I get anxiety when I get upset
My anxiety has nothing to do about worry or fear. My anxiety is unusual but yet I have anxiety disorder, diagnosed. I don’t fit into either anxiety label so it would be anxiety disorder NOS but mine is only listed as Anxiety disorder. And I wonder how autism spectrum disorders works without anxiety because aren’t they having anxiety when their routine changes or when a room changes or the menu or things in a store or when their plans get disrupted or when they are interrupted due to difficultly with transition and don’t they get it from not being able to stim and do their repetitive behaviors and don’t they get it from sensory issues? So why don’t they have an anxiety disorder too like I do? Didn’t Rain Man have anxiety when his brother was trying to force him get on a airplane because he believed they were dangerous to fly? if you try and force him to be in a situation he felt was unsafe, he would freak out so wouldn’t that have been anxiety he was having? I believe Max Beaverman has anxiety too like me because of the way he reacts and when he gets upset and he acts just like me except he is more of a textbook aspie. It would be surprised if he also didn’t have anxiety. Even Frankie had anxiety too so he got anxiety when he lost the game Shy Guy Says in one of the Mario Party games because he raised up the right blag but the game made him raise up the wrong flag so he lost and he got upset. He once got anxiety when their family dog wouldn’t stay in a certain spot in the pick up truck while we were going to the lake so he kept shouting at the dog.

Right now I have my Wells Fargo credit card on my mind, it got hacked a couple weeks back and they sent us a new one with a whole new number on it and I found out today it did come but now it’s lost. I am so upset and I had anxiety and was having a hard time talking and breathing and it upsets me so much when people touch my mail and move it and don’t give it to us. i never saw it in the kitchen and I had looked in the mail box always for that mail and I never saw it. this is what happens when you live with other people in your home such as your parents so I don’t always see all my stuff that comes in the mail and I just wish it would be kept in one spot or be taken to our room and set on the table or chair. It never comes natural for us to check our mail because it’s like remembering to check your tire pressure. Back in Montana it was no issue because I always checked it when coming back from work and it was my routine. I need to try and make it a routine again but it’s hard when the mail man never comes at the same time and when my dad always checks it so it’s impossible for that routine and I do not like to make a routine only for it to change and then I have anxiety because it gets disrupted so my life is chaotic without one. I do always give the mail to my husband and set it on his computer when anything comes for us when I do see it on the counter.

Sometimes I hate my husband’s family

Saturday, March 26th, 2016

Anyone that knows me knows I hate change of plans, especially if they happen at the last minute.

Today my husband and I were going to go out and buy Easter stuff and this was planned for all week. Then last night he decided on going to flea markets and I also decided we should buy more diapers too for our daughter since she is down to a few left so the plan it was. I planned to leave around noon so it gets few minutes close to it so I wake my husband up, I get the kids ready and then I go to the basement to get myself ready and bam that is when it happens, my sister in law is coming over.

What? Did I just hear that right?

Yeah you’re right, my sister in law is coming over.

The freak out begins. I started screaming and I am very upset because the plans had changed. They live on the other side of town like 40 minutes out. I have no idea how bad traffic is and I don’t know how long it will be for them to get here. No way am I waiting that long for them to get here when the flea market closes at 5 PM and I had planned to get the stuff and then go to the flea market. Big stress. To much change. Day ruined.

I am so pissed about all this and upset. My husband couldn’t even say no because we had plans and he doesn’t even see this as a last minute change. What?

I told my kids to forget it, we’re not going anywhere, everything is cancelled and I decided to just go get the stuff myself and problem solved. I will get over it. But then my husband gets upset with me because he was wanting to do it with mew and I kept screaming to forget about it because he chose to not say no so suffer the consequence.

Why do I hate my husband’s family, because they are too spontaneous. They can’t stick to their plans, they procrastinate and when they decide to do things, it’s at the last minute and then they inter fear with my plans and it deeply upsets me. They make me so anxious it’s ridiculous because they can’t stick to their plan and I don’t know what to expect. I wonder how I would have survived growing up with them. At least in my family things were more planned and structured and my mom was always clear about doing things and saying if. Like we can go to the zoo this weekend if the weather is nice, if it’s not raining, if you kids are good all week. But I don’t know how I would have survived my husband’s family if I grew up with them.

My husband was finally able to calm me down when he called them again and they were at the tunnel so it would be another twenty minutes and I decided to write this rant to blow off some steam and I just want to be alone and not talk to anyone or even be bothered.

We were able to go to the flea market after all and the two places have declined because they have shrunk, many of the booths are not my interest and there are only one booths that have video games for me to look at. There used to be several. Now they are only down to one at each place. It turns out that the owners have raised their rent so tenants have moved out, people go there and rob them, and there are several drug traffickers there, one of the owners was fined $50,000 because of fire hazard so there are less extension cords now and now there are less lights on now in the entire flea market. I got some new games and my son got several toy cars accidentally leaving one of them behind but they were only 50 cents so no biggie. Our daughter got a car too. Then on the way home my husband decided he could go get the Easter stuff and me and the kids just go home. I agreed to it and went along with it. wait a minute, didn’t I just say last minute change of plans upset me? My husband just changed the plan and I didn’t dig in my heels. I felt exhausted anyway from being at the market so I was glad to be home but then realized I was supposed to get diapers. Well she would last another day or two. I go home and I realize I needed a bus pass and we needed Easter grass for the baskets. My husband was already going to the store and I didn’t know his mobile number. I rest using the computer gain and my husband comes home and then I decide to go to a couple McDonalds for streetpasses and I went to Safeway. I went to McDonalds first taking our daughter so my parents wouldn’t have to watch her and my husband’s feet were sore. Then I went to safeway and got diapers and Easter grass and a bus pass. Then I went to another McDonalds and got streetpasses this time. the last one didn’t have their wifi turned on so I got none. Then I came home and I felt so exhausted I didn’t want to talk or listen. I just wanted to do the computer. I didn’t even have mental energy to do baskets like my husband wanted me too so he did all of them pretty much. I even had a delayed response because I heard him telling me our son was coming down and then the door opened after we were done and I yell at him to get out and shut the door. Luckily he didn’t notice the baskets I think and my husband thought I didn’t hear our son come down because I didn’t respond or even do anything. Being out does exhaust me and then I want to come home and relax and do nothing. I can’t listen or do anything else and I feel annoyed and irritable if anyone interrupts me. I need down time when I come home. But yet I still had baths to give and bedtime so I rested before I had to do it while our daughter napped and our son played.

Now tomorrow I am thinking of going to another flea market we were told about. It’s only open on Sundays.

And I still hate last minute change of plans.


Rehoming your adopted child

Thursday, March 24th, 2016

I found another blog I found through Harsh Reality (AKA Opinionated Man). This one stuck out to me.

While I hate domestic violence and abuse, I do still feel sorry for kids sometimes who are because of their background.I have noticed an overlap between RAD, ODD, Conduct disorder, and psychopathy. Only thing that has offended me in it was when she brings up autism when she talks about violence and I argue that just because a kid is on the spectrum does not make it okay for them to hit. It’s not okay for anyone to hit, it’s not even okay for toddlers to hit even if they don’t know what they are doing, an excuse parents make for their autism spectrum kids. I hope those parents are the minority and many of them actually don’t accept it and excuse it.

There have been families mentioned in the media about getting rid of their violent children whom are adopted. One mom in Arkansas or Nebraska (I don’t remember which state) left her 15 year old at the hospital because they had that loophole in their law that was meat to protect newborns but I don’t think she was adopted, I believe she had ODD or Conduct disorder and for years the state had failed to give her help so the mom used that law to help her (she appeared on the Dr. Phil show about it), there was another one about a mom sending her kid back to Russia who had RAD but the media left out facts about the parents had spent over $20,000 getting the kid help, the kid has threatened to hurt his parents and burn down their home, the parents had to lock everything away including knives that can be used as weapons, and then in Ohio there was a couple who left their nine year old at social services and he had also been adopted at three months and the kid had been in and out of hospitals and he didn’t wish to seek help and the parents feared their other kids safety.

So now to use some quotes from the blog.

Many don’t realize that in some states you can’t get help for your child unless you relinquish your parental rights

I knew this, this is what happened with Beth Thomas. Her parents had to give up their parental rights to her because that was the only way they could get her help and to protect her brother from her. Fortunately she recovered from RAD and is now a fine adult who works as a registered nurse in Flagstaff, AZ.

I also read another story in a magazine about a little girl named Elle. She was also very violent and the parents got her help for years until they had to give up their parental rights when they did finally found her the right help. The family grieved for their loss. It was like having a child passing away.

don’t want to do that and face abandonment charges?

But that Ohio couple did so this question makes no sense.

Well here’s the other option that parents are told…… if your child hurts one of your other children then the state can remove all of your children for failure to protect

I didn’t know this, I have only heard about one kid being removed from home due to aggression but not the other kids but I guess because there hadn’t been any accidents. But I say it’s a catch 22 because if you abandon your child, you face charges but if your kid hurts another kid in your home, you face child abuse charges. I was also told on Facebook that sending your kid to a hospital every time they are violent can result in you getting arrested for trespassing and child abandonment because they think you are being lazy and someone else told me sending your kid to a hospital is easier said than done. They would have to admit them and the insurance would have to pay for it so families can’t always help abusing their children by denying them a safe environment which is why I say laws need to change first.

I wish there were better laws to protect families from these kids but I wish there was a better system to help these children, especially RAD. From what I have read, it seems like therapy makes the RAD kids worse because many doctors don’t understand it and there is very little help for that disorder. Plus therapy for it seems expensive or otherwise all RAD families would be sending their kids to a RAD ranch in Montana and elsewhere that have ranches for them. I am betting insurance probably doesn’t cover it because it’s so darn expensive or otherwise parents would be sending them there unless they are martyrs or don’t know about the place. It’s very sad and frustrating that very little is known about RAD and that there is not much awareness.

And I am an asshole ignorant and an idiot for wanting families and other kids to be safe from violence. Ha.
People say how we must have passion for these children but no one says that about child abusers and criminals who commit crimes due to trauma because if you do the crime, hurt an innocent child, you’re a monster and deserve no sympathy. So when I made this comparison on fetlife about violent kids when someone posted a link to a blog post called “I am Adam Lanza’s mother,” I get a PM from someone who isn’t from the group saying ‘How the fuck is this logical” quoting that part of my post. Because I see the double standard right and see no difference between the two which is why I say they all need help. People have no problem saying to lock away the mentally ill or something when they abuse a child or kill them or commit a violent crime but yet when a kid does it, oh no you are an asshole, a troll for saying such a thing about them. Have some passion and sympathy for these children. But if they are an adult, fuck your illness and trauma and the bull shit you had in your life, that is no excuse for the murder you did/the abuse you did on your child/or any other violent crime you committed, I hope you go to prison for the rest of your life.

But hey when two ten year old boys, Robert and Jon, took James Bulger from a shopping center and tortured him and left his body on the train tracks for it to get ran over, tons of people were outraged and had no passion and wanted them locked away for life and were mad they were set free at 18 and given different identities.

There was another case in 1968, Mary Bell, who killed two little boys and she was hospitalized and let out at 23 with a different identity and yes she has been given hate for it too. She also came from an abusive background. Okay I won’t lie, I have seen people bash kids for crimes they commit or when they are violent which is why their identities get protected, especially on the Dr. Phil show and I have seen hateful comments about Beth Thomas on youtube despite that she is a different person from when she was a kid but yet parents get judged for sending their child back to their home country or leaving them at a hospital or leaving them at social services or giving them away to anyone. Oh the double standard.

This is the reason why I do not want to adopt and why I decided against it in my early twenties. The horror stories and I don’t want to be attacked by my child and fear for my life and I feel I will kill the kid in self defense and then try and cover it and I am the bad guy because people are too stupid ignorant to open their eyes to these kids. This is another reason why I am not a foster parent. I don’t think I could handle a violent child or a traumatized child. If having a traumatized dog was too much for me at 14 (my parents brought that dog home, not me so I had no say in it), I can’t imagine handing it in a child.

I will say some people are tougher than me to live this way when they choose these kids.

Normal kid behavior?

Saturday, March 19th, 2016

This morning my kids were playing. My son was making noise again and running and so was my little girl. Then she didn’t want to play anymore so she laid on the couch with me and covered herself up. But her brother kept getting near her and bothering her and she would shriek and yell and push him away but he kept at it. I told him to leave her alone because I didn’t want to listen to her shrieking and the commotion was raising up my stress level making me tense. I couldn’t listen to it and handle it anymore so I start shouting myself telling him to go away, leave, get out of here. Even my dad told him his sister didn’t want to play and she was tired. I didn’t know this about her except that my son was bothering her so she was reacting. But my son kept at it and wouldn’t leave her alone and I kept shouting at him. I even told him he would go to his room if he bothered her one more time and then I said I would just take his sister and I would just take her to room room and he would be down here alone with grandpa. He just sat close by and didn’t keep bothering her but instead gave her a pillow and she played with it. Then I remember I was grabbing him and holding him tight to get him to leave his sister alone. He started to squirm and wriggle and said I was hurting him. I told him he needed to leave his sister alone and I will let go of him. I did and he just whimpered instead on the other chair. Then he went back to watching his 3DS eventually leaving us alone finally. I even suggested he play with his Legos to give him something to do but he refused.

I go back and think about the evaluation report I got back from the school district and I keep thinking what is things they said were right. What if my son wasn’t understanding that his little sister didn’t want to play because he wanted to play so he thought she wanted to play too not realizing she had her own idea what she wanted? But this would be something to tell my son’s pediatrician about when Mom and I go see him. Plus we will take him to get professionally tested so here I am trying to keep on eye out on “signs” that could indicate a disorder. But now I feel bad because I feel I am now pathologizing my child. But I think the professionals would know what is normal right? After all they are the specialists and are really trained in these things. What would the school district know? They are not doctors or specialists which is why they don’t diagnose.

Now my kid is playing with Legos. He does not want his little sister to play with him and touching his Legos. He will say “I don’t want MB touching my Legos” in a tone of voice like he is yelling. Is this normal? I will ask the doctor about that too and write this all down so I won’t forget about it. I will start making a list of things which makes me feel guilty because I feel I am being so negative about him and pathologizing him treating him like there is something wrong with him because he isn’t acting the way I like him to be. But the doctor will tell me for sure. I can’t tell him about school because I am not there to see it. This brings me back memories about what my school used to do with me, document every little thing I do they didn’t like or thought was weird or wrong but I bet they wouldn’t have batted an eye if another kid did something unusual or weird or silly. I am sure my mom showed that log to my psychiatrist and psychologist. I guess it can be a good thing when this does happen because it helps the experts figure it out like if the kid has a problem or not or if what they are doing is normal or if their behavior is normal but it’s caused by the environment and it can help them diagnose accurately.

Now my son is having his breakfast as I finish this post.