Archive for the ‘OCD’ Tag

No you don’t have OCD just because you like your house clean

Sunday, May 21st, 2017

So when the sales guy was at my house showing me the Kirby doing a demonstration, he told me he was OCD. I asked him if he had that diagnoses and he said he has never gotten one before. I then didn’t believe he had it because lot of people think they have it just because they like things a certain way or in order or because they are stuck on a topic and spend hours with it researching it and reading about it and can’t stop.

I wanted to tell him that OCD is not really having a clean house and needing it all clean and asking him if he actually likes needing to have a clean house. from my understanding people with OCD do not like wanting to have a clean house but they can’t stop it because of bad thoughts and thinking something bad will happen. I can’t even relate to that and that doesn’t even describe me. But yet if someone likes their house to be very clean, everyone thinks that person is OCD. No they are not unless there is anxiety behind it and they get distressed about the need to want their house to be neat and there has to be fear behind it. It’s too bad how doctors and everyone will be quick to say someone has OCD without looking behind the symptoms first to see if it’s truly OCD. Now I wonder if I had been misdiagnosed with it because no one had ever talked to me about why I wanted the house clean. I just don’t like messes. No I am not scared of them, I just don’t like messes. No I am not scared of dirt or germs. No I am not afraid of our house getting roamed with termites or having rodents come in or thinking our house will fall down if it’s not clean. No I do not get anxiety as I am cleaning.

I often hear online how people will say they are OCD about their house or OCD about something or say how it makes their OCD crazy when something isn’t even. People with real OCD get annoyed with that stuff. Occasionally I will see someone come to the OCD forum on Reddit and ask about their “compulsion” and they are just talking about being fixated on a topic and how they can’t stop researching it and learning everything about it and thinking about it and I think “that’s isn’t OCD, that is a symptoms of autism.” But my mom would call it OCD because she thinks they’re both the same but have different labels. But at least one person will point out to them to the Asperger’s forum on Reddit and tell the OP they are leaning towards autism about their obsession.

But that was my first time ever seeing someone saying they are OCD because they are also clean. Even Jerry did the same thing but it was about organization and because I wasn’t organized enough for him, I wasn’t OCD so therefore the doctors were wrong. Maybe they were. So was my ex because OCD isn’t liking things organized and people with OCD would get anxiety from wanting things organized and not get pleasure out of it or feel calm about it and there would be worry behind it and anxiety behind it and it would drive them crazy needing things to be organized and they can’t stop even though they want to. It certainly didn’t drive him crazy wanting things in order and he liked it. There was no fear behind it or anxiety and no “Oh no it’s the end of the world because my soup can is in the wrong spot, oh no, I’m dead. Now I have to make sure nothing bad will happen after it’s been in the wrong spot because my girlfriend didn’t know how to put it back when she was snooping.” Now that’s OCD and lot of OCDers don’t have that compulsion and that is why it’s a stereotype because most people think of organization and liking things even and in order and being neat when they hear the word OCD and they may also picture excessive hand washing and excessive checking things and fear of germs. Monk was a stereotype of it because he feared dirt so he always had to wipe his hands after shaking hands. Then there was As Good As It Gets and Jack Nicholson in it couldn’t step on any cracks and he feared germs so he wore gloves and couldn’t use the same bar of soap. But other things he did did seem to lean towards autism like the need to sit in a certain spot in a restaurant and being upset about his usual waitress not being there. Some people believe he was misdiagnosed as having OCD so they view him as an aspie.

I remember another funny story. I was seeing my school counselor one time when I was 15 and it was during school. I had my Game Boy Color with me and he said I was doing OCD and I asked him why and he said I keep on taking off the battery cover because I keep thinking it’s not on right and I want to be sure it’s on right and I keep thinking it’s not so I have to keep checking. I told him that was not why I was doing it and I know it’s on right and I am just taking it off because I am and putting it back on. So he gets up and takes the system out of my hand and sits back down and I start to play with my fingers and he goes “Oh I see, I took this away and now you are twisting your fingers.” He then said he took it away so he could see what I do and he saw I will just go to my fingers. It was not about the battery cover and I am just someone who will play with things in her hand and if I have nothing, I play with my fingers.

So people just make assumptions when they see a behavior and assume it’s OCD. Thoughts get stuck in your head, oh that must be OCD. You keep getting distracted by thoughts, oh that’s OCD. My question to those accusations would be “is there any anxiety behind it?” “Are they bad thoughts or happy thoughts?” “Do they give the person distress?” If not, it’s not OCD. Someone even asked on Wrongplanet about listening to the same song over and over OCD and I said it was not if it’s not giving them distress. If they are doing it because they enjoy it, it’s not OCD. I have even seen people say online about songs being stuck in your head OCD. Unless it gives them distress, then it is.

What if I am just being paranoid?

Sunday, September 4th, 2016

With all the stuff online about narcissism and stuff about relationship abuse and the signs of it and narcissist hoovering and their fake apologies and articles about covert narcissists faking medical conditions and covert narcissism being unrecognized by so many professionals they tend to get misdiagnosed with other conditions instead, how do any of us know if our abusers had a true mental illness? How do we know if their apologies are real? How do we know they were not a narcissist?

Jerry sent me a post that was very triggering but what if she had sent me that post because she was so upset I felt so negative about her and the damage she had done and how much she had hurt me so she had to share all her diagnoses with me so I could learn more about them and heal and move on and not be so hurt anymore? What if she had done it for me than for her? What if this was about me, not about her image? My mind is full of pipe dreams but then I remember the bad stuff so it makes me think to stay no contact with her. She abandoned me anyway. Talked to me and then disappeared again back in 2007. Now she has left me a post and disappeared again but after writing how I marked her post as spam so they will all go to spam next time so I wouldn’t see them, that makes me think of course she wouldn’t leave me more messages because I said I wouldn’t be seeing them so what would be the point? If her post gave me an anxiety attack and gave me chest pains all day and had to write about it here, of course she wouldn’t post anything else to me because maybe she doesn’t want me to have any panic attacks and make it worse for me. Maybe she didn’t send me that message to ruin my day or to get to me, maybe she sent it as a tip. It makes me feel safe when I wrote how I marked her post as spam so I wouldn’t keep seeing it and me hoping all her future messages will go to spam automatically so I wouldn’t have to see them because then I wouldn’t be hurt again when I don’t hear from her again. I can just think me writing that kept her away because what would be the point in posting on here if I won’t see it?

I hate it when my brain does this. The paranoia and then the pipe dream thinking.

Sometimes I am the wrong person to mess with

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015

I have posted about accidentally getting my school counselor fired and losing his license because of my constant questioning and trying to understand things.

I have made many posts about my ex boyfriend Jerry already and I just couldn’t keep anything to myself because I always had to call my parents on the phone to talk to them and anything I am upset or frustrated about I had to go to them. This would upset him because his fear was me making him look bad and it turns out his fear was correct and he was trying to cut me off from my parents so I bet he had on his list now as a red flag is someone who has to call their mommy and daddy on the phone to talk about their problems. But thanks to this, they were always there for me and that also meant my ex could never get my parents so side against me and make me look crazy and they would always be around to rescue me and I don’t even know if he is that kind of person to make your whole family believe you are crazy and side against you. Also  was able to confirm that this wasn’t all in my head about him being abusive when my mom told me some stories like how I called her one night and I was crying and then I hung up because I saw he was coming and also the time when she would hear him argue with me in the background and we would both fight and my parents would come to town to “visit” my aunt and uncle but they were just there to check up on me and I bet that made it hard for my ex.

I once got a mod fired because she deleted my account and that was also unplanned. I had not talked about it in years because it’s something controversial and I was seen as the bad guy for it. I think it was my OCD that did it because I couldn’t stop obsessing about it and dwelling on it so I kept on talking about it and it was hard for me to move on because when I am wrongly accused of something or treated very badly and unfairly, I get very upset and it’s hard for me to let go and then I saw my account was deleted and my other one so I had to ask the forum admin about it and I showed him and then he asked if he can call me back. Yes I had his phone number because he had it posted on his forum and also PM some members his phone number. Three hours later he calls me back and says it looks like someone deleted it and I knew right away who it was. He thought so too and I remember another user posted a thread on the forum about missing accounts and I created a new account to tell about the injustice and I was expecting my post to be deleted but it wasn’t and then the forum admin said he had demodded all his mods until he figures out the issue and I had all the former banned members come back to tell their side of the story and how they were also wrong but instead it turned into them attacking the mods. It was a big drama and I remember there were both threads about it and the drama happened in both. There was also a discussion bout it on a different forum that was a spin off from the other forum the incident happened on. One of the mods saw it and thought I had an agenda and thought i was contradicting myself when on the other forum I seemed concerned about my account but on the other forum I seemed happy that the mod was caught. Of course I was happy. But yet the mod thought I planned for the other mod to be demodded but I didn’t know what was going to happen honestly. My original plan was I was going to not post on that forum anymore but instead after the moderator purge ended, all the mods got their tools back except for that one mod who deleted my accounts and I ended up staying because she was no longer a mod so I felt safe again. She had done her crazy antics to other members as well and her doing it to me one day really proved to me how right other people were about her with their stories. But what did I do, I got excited and threw a party on the autism forums about her being demodded all because of my complaint caused it and I have always been helpless and people can see I am someone to mess with because I can’t fend for myself very well and this time I felt like victory and didn’t feel helpless but yet I was seen as the bully for sticking up for myself. I even posted my PM chat about her I had with the forum mod to show how crazy the mod is because she had told the admin that this one banned member came to her home and took stuff from it and he was asking me about it. But this banned member lived all the way in England so he was teased about it by the forums members on Intensitysquared. I wanted to move on from the incident but because of my own OCD, it made it hard, the feelings were still there and it was over but I still felt wrong so I did two impersonations, I did one on the mod and on her friend who sided with her and didn’t believe me when I told her she deleted my accounts so I showed her proof and she acted dumb about it because she still denied it. On intensitysquared (I2 for short) impersonations are normal there, it’s done as a joke so I did it there. But doing that still didn’t make me get over it and it took me over a year to get over it and it was until around October 2011, when one of the new former mods decided to post one of the mod logs onto that forum from the other forum and it took place right after the moderator purge so it was from February 2010. I read the comments in it and I saw lot of things said about me were not true by two mods and they were just paranoid and I think any current mod who reads it would know. It did show me there was mod corruption on the forum, they really did moderate what members did on other forums (I got locked out of my account after I posted about the nasty PM on I2 I got from the moderator on the other forum which is known as the silent ban), also it looked like the two mods thought I had an agenda in my posts just because i was a member on I2 so I could understand now why some members would leave that forum and not post there again. They probably knew it could get them into trouble on the other board based on things they write over on I2. I was naive to think that moderators would keep things separate on each forum. Just as long as you follow the rules on their forum and behave, it wouldn’t matter what you do somewhere else because they would see that but how wrong I was. I was also blamed for an account there that was never mind because back in 2007, someone opened an account impersonating me and the admin thought it was me. I let it go because I didn’t think it was a big deal because I was still there and I wasn’t penalized for it so it was nothing to be upset about. How wrong I was because I think it did contribute to the problems I had on the forum and the other mods even thought I had another account there that was also not mine because someone else opened that account using the same avatar I used, and reading the mod log, it looked like they thought I had more accounts because it sounded like every time they got a troll, they thought it was me. Also any time someone from I2 would come to the other forum to troll, the mods assumed I was behind it and that i knew about it but usually I didn’t know about it until after it happened and also when I did know sometimes, i stayed out of it because i didn’t want to rat and cause trouble for myself. So me being a member on I2 is what got me into trouble on the other forum and contributed to the nasty PM and also the mod claimed I broke lot of rules and I was like what. I was only given like five warnings in 2009 because i didn’t realize what I was doing fell under one of the rules like for example I learned that posting a link to another forum is considered an attack on other forums. I also learned that posting a thread asking what member has the most severe Asperger’s is considered an attack even though members on that forum talk about how much they love their autism and wouldn’t cure it but yet talking about who is the most severe is an attack? Even one of my online friends thought it was a double standard. I also learned that talking about William Fuend is considered provoking members but yet I see that same mod talk about him, the one she gave me a PM about and got nasty with me. What a hypocrite. I was expected to know everything that fell under the rules and it was on an autism forum and I was expected to think like an NT. But I kept falling into loopholes because I didn’t realize something would be considered an attack or a provoke. Also I learned in the mod log that I was allowed to get away with breaking the rules because one of them wrote how I had just broken a rule and there was no point in warning me about it because I wouldn’t take notice. I felt cheated because they had let me think I was doing fine on the forum and it made me wonder what other rules was I breaking I didn’t know about. But I did find out that apparently lot of rules I broke were things I did on I2 and just where in the rules was it listed that the forum rules apply everywhere else on the internet? Do they also apply in real life too? So what happens if I got into a disagreement with a member on that forum so I randomly run into that person in a store and bring it there and say things to her I wouldn’t have been able to say on the forum due to the rules. After finding this out, it eased my OCD and that obsessive thoughts went away because of the closure. But yet I notice the rules change on the forum whenever we get new mods because of the interpretation of the rules. I also heard that lot of banned members were able to get back on the forum and I was also told that the reason why the mod was demodded was because lot of members complained to the admin about her and I guess that was enough for him to listen so I didn’t just cause her to get demodded because I wouldn’t have caused it alone. What if I didn’t go OCD over the nasty PM, I wonder if that moderator would have still been a moderator but I think she would have eventually lost her mod position like the other two did who were also corrupted. I know I wouldn’t have alerted the admin about my missing accounts if it weren’t for me dwelling on it because my accounts would have still been there if I didn’t obsess about it. But I always have had a hard time with injustice and people being very nasty to me.

There was a talk in our autism group about it about how we process our emotions and I didn’t tell them any of this stuff and how it affects me and tell them about the time when someone else in the ASAN group verbally attacked me and started cussing me and screaming and never apologizing so it took me a while to get over that too and I didn’t tell them about this and that person proved to me how justified I am with my social anxiety because whenever I get rejected, it’s traumatizing because then I am scared of screwing up and getting someone mad and I feel bad about myself because I am reminded how much I suck in social skills. I also didn’t tell them about how hard I took it at 14 when some woman on the bumper boats called me a bitch because I got her wet unintentionally and when I was 15 when my dad’s cousin told me how selfish I am and how my grandfather has a bad heart and I take off running and he could die of a heart attack if I get him so upset. Then after that I never wanted to be around my grandfather again because i didn’t want to get him upset he dies of a heart attack. She had destroyed the relationship between us two. but there is a different between a 14 year old and a 29 year old and a 15 year old and a 29 year old. These might have just been a normal reaction for a teenager but if I had done them as an adult, then it would be a problem. Even my mom wouldn’t want my brother’s ex’s girlfriend to be real nasty with me like she has with other people or it would really hurt me. I was even hurt when my ex blew up with me over the phone about my Dish Network thing he had they wanted back which I explained in my previous blog post and it was so upsetting I was scared of him so I couldn’t even get my other stuff back and my paycheck or the money he owed me for Dish Network, we were supposed to be splitting the bill.

I don’t remember the percentage but I read that 30 percent of autistic people also have OCD. I have noticed that when one gets treated unfairly, they really stick to it and it’s hard for them to let it go. Sometimes it traumatizes them. One woman said in my group that if someone got mad at her and started screaming at her in her front lawn, she would be so traumatized and very upset she wouldn’t be able to leave her house because of the incident she would be reminded of. She just cannot go back to the spot where the bad incident happened so if it happened where she always went to or even in her front yard, it would be very bad and it would change her routine. I don’t think I am that extreme because if an incident happened I wouldn’t be able to not go back to the spot because I know it won’t happen again because it was just being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I remember being at a mall with my son when he was two and he and other kids were running and swinging their hands at each other and grabbing each other and another parent got mad at me about it and blaming my son saying he is beating other kids up and I had been watching him and I never saw him beat anyone up and I saw other kids touching him too so why the double standard. But sadly I failed to point this out so instead I grabbed him and left because I don’t like confrontations. But I can still go back to that play area even though I remember the incident. But what if the parents were just screaming at me and raising their voices and insulting me? Would I still go back to that spot? But I didn’t have any good stories to tell like the other two did. I have always been more sensitive so maybe that is a part of the Asperger’s. But I also feel I got less sensitive because I am not going to get upset anymore if I am called retarded or stupid and dwell on it and I have seen some tough aspies online who don’t get upset what is said to them or get upset over drama but that is online, in real life they could be very sensitive souls while online they are tough because they are anonymous and they can’t see those people or their body language.

Also a shocking thing I had learned in 2010 is when you get very upset about being accused of something you didn’t do, it makes it look like you did it. I do not understand why someone wouldn’t be upset if they were accused of something they did. Getting accused of something you didn’t do is very upsetting and it sucks to be punished for something you didn’t do. It would even upset my husband too very much because he would get in trouble for things he didn’t do but it turned out he was having seizures and they didn’t know about it so is possible my husband did do things during a seizure and then had no memory of it so it was upsetting to get in trouble for something he didn’t do he thought. I was in the moment person as a child so I am sure I got very upset as well when I would get in trouble for something I thought I didn’t do. Just the stories my mom told me, with the tone of her voice, it sounded like I was getting very upset when I was being accused of doing something when I would in my room playing with Barbies and there I was being told I am in the sandbox kicking over a sandcastle when my mom was actually talking about me doing that while she and my father were gone. The problem was I was visual so my mom couldn’t use words to tell me that this happened while I was in the sandbox, not now so she had to draw pictures about my whole day and have me draw about my whole day until we got to that part. Doing this taught me some abstract thinking and I don’t need pictures drawn anymore. Now what would my life have been like if my mom just assumed I didn’t care about the rules and that I was a liar because I was denying things I did? What if she had assumed I was defiant? What would my life have been like as an adult?