Archive for August, 2015

No longer identifying my ex as an aspie

Monday, August 31st, 2015

For years I said my ex boyfriend Jerry had Asperger’s because he told me he did and had it confirmed by doctors. But I had also thought over the years he made it up because of things he said about getting tested for it didn’t add up. Right when he got home after visiting me, he told me a few days later he got tested for it and did the tests and they said he would have been diagnosed with it as a kid (AS wasn’t known then when he was a kid but I assumed they meant if it was known then he would have or if he was a kid in present time, he would have) and they told him they couldn’t make it official because they only did it for kids. But anyway I have been online for too long and I have seen aspies write how they have to wait months or weeks before they get an assessment done on them and then they have to wait another week or more to hear back for their results to hear if they have it or not. For my ex this all happened in a day which sounds fishy. Also he was always getting money from his grandparents to pay for his food and gas, his attorney, etc. but yet he couldn’t get money from them to pay for the official DX he wanted? That also doesn’t add up. I also went to my autism group and Roger Meyers and several other members there were diagnosed by Dr. Gene Stubbs who also diagnosed me and they were all adults when diagnosed and it was at the same place where my ex was told they only did children. Also in the local ASAN group, the group leader emailed out some information to members who were looking for a DX about places to go to and the same place was listed. That raises skepticism about Jerry.

Then I would think no he has it because he was black and white and concrete and he had above normal hearing and acute sense of taste and smell and he didn’t like tags in his clothes. He also told me about his childhood. But how do I know he didn’t make any of it up? I know he could hear well because he said one morning “it’s raining outside” and he haven’t even looked outside yet so I looked and there was rain coming down.

Then I came across covert narcissism and that sounds very much like him. I also noticed a few overlaps between autism spectrum disorders and covert narcissism but when you look at the list, they are not the same.

Here is what is said about it:

Covert narcissists by contrast, are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are the most tricky and perhaps most dangerous sort so let’s focus on them. Covert narcissists are underhanded, deceptive and act behind the scenes. They pretend to be lovers, givers, altruistic, loyal and kind. These individuals are projecting to the outside world a calm and patient mirror but on the inside, they are as deeply selfish and narcissistic as overt narcissists.

Both overt and covert narcissists have grandiose fantasies, feel entitled and exploit and abuse people but the main difference between overt and covert narcissists is that unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists know that showing or displaying their true self will get in the way of achieving the power, recognition and the self centered success they crave.

They worry a lot about their lies being found out and are very vulnerable to stress but unlike overt narcissists, they don’t believe themselves, what they want others to believe about them. Covert narcissists don’t possess the confidence levels of overt narcissists and are prone to feeling guilty about thinking they could ever be something they know they can’t. They put up emotional barriers and try their best to suppress these feelings and not expose them to the outside world. They don’t feel guilty, however, about hurting others so in that sense they are the same as overt narcissists. They are still very competitive, conscious of their actions and calculated in their actions.

So how do you recognize a covert narcissist? The only sure fire way is to be close to that person from a personal angle, to have a personal relationship with them, because covert narcissists can’t hide forever from those who are personally involved with them but despite that it can take a long time before their cover is blown.

The tell tale signs to help you recognize a covert narcissist:

  • Emptiness, seems to have something missing that you can’t quite put your finger on

  • Stubborn, rarely apologising unless they want something from you (see narcissistic supply)

  • Ability to make you feel guilty, even when something is not your fault

  • Entirely self centered; they are the center of their own universe

  • Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation

  • Projecting their insecurities and defects onto you

  • Very sensitive to constructive criticism

  • Inability to form intimate relationships

  • Inability to feel genuine remorse

  • Blaming others for their problems

  • Low emotional intelligence

  • Highly materialistic

  • Extreme lack of empathy

  • Superficially charming

  • A victim mentality.

This was all him. He came off as shy and anxious and naive and innocent. He felt invisible around people he said and he was a very private persona and he always worried what others thought of him. Unfortunately this made him act controlling. He also had low self esteem so he didn’t like himself and he over compensated. It is a stereotype that all narcissist have high egos and love themselves. But some of them don’t like themselves. He was also overly jealous. I did not pick up on his abuse because he came off as he didn’t know what he was doing and he said he had Asperger’s so I had to be tolerant and patient and not be one of those ignorant normies. But he had hid behind it is why. I did not think he would do any of this on purpose and he showed loyalty and caring but it was all about him and to make it look like he was good. I was fooled and covert narcissist are harder to spot because they come off as nice and good people in public. They are hard to spot. They are very hidden, even the victim may not see it. But it makes so much sense about him I actually felt excited because I had discovered the truth and it was more closure for me and it told me it was not my fault so what I did in it was irrelevant but I can still learn from it. I think he just hid behind, Asperger’s, PTSD, and anxiety. But they are vulnerable to stress and anxiety and that was him alright. Sure few of these things might be found in others who are not a narcissist. I have anxiety too and also cannot handle stress but that doesn’t mean I also am a narc.

Rather my ex was aspie or not, it doesn’t matter. That is irrelevant if he had it or not. I decided I would no longer identify him as having it and will no longer say I was in a relationship with one. He was toxic and it’s bad enough we have a bad stigma and that we are known for causing divorces and ruining marriages and that we will rip up your low self esteem and tear you down emotionally. Why contribute to it by saying my ex was aspie and he was all these things? That is feeding into the stereotype about autistic people being toxic and that we are abusers and will bring down your low self esteem. I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist. People will disagree and they may and will and they may say he was just a jerk or asshole, not a narcissist. Some may say he was just nuts. It is also politically incorrect to be in a bad relationship with an autistic person because whenever one mentions it, they are automatically seen as bad and as a narcissist. Which is why I would fail to mention Jerry was aspie whenever I talked about the bad relationship. I have seen the negativity by autistic people about women on AssPartners and other places where there are horror stories. But then some have said their partners are not autistic, they are narcissists. I think they may be right because after I had been reading about it for the past two months, I think their partners and ex’s are a narc than autistic and I think people often confuse the two. This should be great news for them on AssPartners but sadly it’s not because they get offended when they are told it’s not autism and even suggest their partner or ex was a narc.

Me finding out my ex was a narc was wonderful news because I could scratch off that over sensitive people are bullies and toxic, jealous people are bad, people with low self esteem should be avoided, etc. because that was not it, it was the narcissism. My husband also doesn’t want people to know about him but the difference is he doesn’t act all controlling about it or get mad at me for talking to my parents or try and pry in our conversations and being all worried what I said and talked about or what others may think. My husband also has a private life but it doesn’t mean he is also a narc, it just means he does it in a healthy way where he isn’t all demanding and controlling and all toxic where I have to cut my parents out of my life or else it would upset him. When I was with Jerry, I just waited until he was gone to call them or go outside and talk and I can remember my mom telling me I called them less and less. This is how narcs makes their victims cut off contact with their families and friends. But my ex hid behind anxiety and his insecurity and his worries for this behavior for me to not see it. But my parents saw right through it and I always told them he worried too much what others thought of him and he was worried about me saying things to them that would be inaccurate and give them the wrong idea about him. Now I know this was convert narcissism and now I know it was about him not wanting to be discovered and found out than what my parents might think of him and what others might think and it makes so much sense why he was so private. He just had a secret he didn’t want out. My parents had been right about him even though they didn’t say he was a narcissist, they just said he was crazy, he had to put others down to make himself feel better, he hated women, had no respect for them, he would have cut me off from my family and taken all my money, I was on Social Security so for him it was free money, he treated me like I was retarded and my mom said he was an asshole. She also doubts he was abused and that he had PTSD. I am sure she doubts he had Aspergr’s too. She said he was all “poor me.”


Did I just threaten allstate?

Monday, August 31st, 2015

I have money anxiety so any changes in money makes me worried. Money has not been taken out yet for car insurance so I looked online under my account on allstate and saw I had paid in full so I had my husband check our bank account again and it wasn’t showing in there still. I also looked at the statements on my account and saw as of August 2014, the payment was around $334 and then six months later it was $348 and not bad at all. But this time it was way up to $382. I am scared that it will keep going up like it did with Progressive which is why I cancelled them because they were now charging us over $500 so I cancelled them and went to Allstate thinking it would be better. I have no gotten any tickets or been in any wrecks and I still got this huge increase. I do get discounts and this was after the discount. So I emailed my agency about my concern and told him I didn’t want to be paying over $400 next time or $500 because I don’t want to cancel them like i did with the other because of it and then have to shop around again.

I realized I had basically threatened to cancel them if they charge me above $400 ever. Sure I didn’t say “If you ever go above $400 for me to renew, I will cancel your policy and go somewhere else for it” but it was what I basically meant even though I was civil and concerned about my money and their policy. It can be translated into that by anyone if they read my email.

But I have six months to relax and not worry about this until January when we get the policy again before the bill telling us how much we have paid. It’s automatic withdrawal so we have nothing to worry.

But money anxiety sucks because if I was rich or had a real high income, I wouldn’t have to worry about change in bills when they increase. I even went for a honored citizen bus pass because I hated how they were increasing their fares and ten dollars in increase was too much and I didn’t want to be paying over $100 for a bus pass so I went for a honored citizen because I hate my budget being fucked with unless payments go down instead of up. I only like change if payments are less than up. I hate being broke or worrying about bad things happening and being all distressed because of a change. While payments go up, my earnings do not go up which is why I have an issue with all this. Which is why my husband takes care of the finances because I always flip out over money and unexpected bills and then I refuse to do anything because I hate surprises and always worried what if an unexpected payment happens. I live like I am poor so my husband took over the finances because I could not handle it and I was chewing him out over spending literally a dollar. Now this car insurance is scaring me so I basically threatened them even though it was not my intent.

How to get your kid to wear pants

Monday, August 31st, 2015

My son has wet farts so he gets poop in them and it goes through his underwear and it gets on the furniture. I didn’t want that again so I checked his underwear and he had poop in them again and I decided to fetch some clean underwear and I got a IC pad from my closest that I got from the hospital when I had my daughter. I take his underwear off and wipe his butt and I put his underwear on and I put the pad in and pull them up and he complains about it. He said he didn’t like it, he didn’t like stuff in his underwear. It was like a diaper and he didn’t like it. So I told him he would have to wear pants then. He has two choices, pants or that pad. He picked pants. He never wears any at home so he is always naked in his underwear and now I have found a way to get him to wear them. He doesn’t want to wear diapers so he would rather wear pants. His pants will keep his poop from getting all over the place. Instead he will get them on his pants. I can always use under pads too for him to sit on too like his car seat if pants don’t work. My husband keeps threatening to put him back in diapers if he can’t keep his ‘wonder’ clean.

Yard Sale disaster

Sunday, August 30th, 2015

We didn’t make very much. It could have been due to weather or the signs were not good enough. But people still came and my husband and I made the most money. My parents only made around $11.50 and my little brother made $4. One customer said it was hard to see the signs. It rained hard at night so it ruined one of the signs so I had to tape it and it faded the color of the letters. It poured rain a few times and it was very windy and then we decided to close up before five and no one was coming anyway because it was pouring rain. My dad found out he screwed up because we had sold something of my brother’s that wasn’t meant to be sold and it was his car amplifiers.  None of us knew what they were so they got sold for $2 total. My brother said he had them in the attic but they were’t up there. They were with the stuff we were selling. He hadn’t been using them anyway so he has had them at our house and I didn’t even know what they were when I saw them. But he took it well when he found out my dad had sold them. He was saying it was okay and my dad offered to pay him back for them. I think what he should have done instead was call my brother and ask him how much he wanted to sell them for and he would have found out then those were not meant to be in the yard sale. I think those were worth more than two bucks because I looked them up online and they are pricey.

But hopefully it will be better tomorrow and I will check the signs again to be sure they are still there and readable and if not, I will just go and buy some special paper people use for yard sale signs and use a black marker this time and get balloons again. It’s supposed to be showers only than rain and there is always next weekend and it’s supposed to be sunny next Saturday and maybe more people will come then.

Rents skyrocketing here

Friday, August 28th, 2015

In the past few months, the rent here has been skyrocketing. It makes me so glad I have moved into a house. Portland is getting so expensive now and my little brother had to buy a home because he could not afford to rent and the places he could afford would not work with his two kids so my parents helped him with a down payment. He lived in the RC on our drive way for a while until he got the house and his sons lived with their grandparents. Its cheaper to own a home than rent.

My mom told me they had been talking about freezing rent costs so people wouldn’t be kicked out of their apartments because they could no longer afford to pay it and if they are good renters the landlord wouldn’t be able to raise it on them. I thought that is a good thing if they do pass that law. I wonder what happens to people who can no longer afford to pay rent and they can’t afford to live anywhere else and can’t afford to move, I guess they lose everything and end up homeless.

I cannot imagine still living in our apartment and bam rent goes up and it’s over $1,000 so fast, I would freak out and have a meltdown and have a lot of anxiety. I know lot of people are having issues with skyrocketing rent. People keep comparing this city to San Francisco because I keep hearing they don’t want us to become them.

Now I should look up the apartments here online to see their price range for rent and see what they all say.

Hanging up yard sale signs

Friday, August 28th, 2015

The yard sale is tomorrow and I made four more signs and my son watched me. I used Bingo markers and a sharpie to outline the words to make them stand out to the drivers. Then later in the day, I got everything ready, I got dressed and the kids and got the signs and the tape and scissors and left with the stroller carrying the signs on top of the canopy. I put the signs up at each train stop on both sides of the intersection so people can see them when they get off and I had an arrow pointing which direction. Then I realized mailing tape would be better so I went back home and grabbed the mailing tape and went to the other intersection and put up three more signs. Then I realized I should have put arrows on them too so I put them up anyway and tape them and make sure they stay (I hope) and then I headed back home. My dad was home this time so I left the kids at home and I grabbed the bingo markers again and the sharpie and left again with the duct tape. It was a good thing I brought it because the wind from the cars was making the sign I stuck on the fence flipping one side so I taped that side to the fence and I drew an arrow. I did it to two other signs too and went home. I still have the other intersection to do but I will do it tomorrow morning. I am looking forward to this weekend but the bad news is it’s supposed to rain so my mother decided we’ll do part of it in our garage. I hope it won’t rain hard. It was just sprinkling today when I was hanging up those signs and adding arrows to them. My dad also got some money from the bank for change.

I got my computer back

Thursday, August 27th, 2015

Today was an exciting day. I saw a man walking to our front door so I opened it and it was the Fed Ex man. He looked to be in his late teens or early twenties. It was the Dell box and I knew it was my computer but because it was a signed package and my husband’s name was on it, he had to sign for it so I called to him and he came up and signed for the package. Then I opened it and it was my computer and it looked brand new. They had replace more things than I expected. They had replaced the hard drive and few other things but they did replace the keyboard, mouse key, and the mother board. My laptop looks brand new. But it was a bitch to set it up. I had lost everything so it was only the recycle bin and Internet Explorer and I had to set the Windows up and then I had to install a anti virus program and then re download Google Chrome since I do not like IE. Then I downloaded Yahoo messenger. But the sound works again, yay. My husband told me I basically got a brand new computer. It works good as new. I still have yet to download Amazon Kindle again. Now I don’t have to keep on using my Mom’s laptop. I bet she is happy I got mine back.

My revenge on my ex’s

Thursday, August 27th, 2015

I thought what this person said here was very good.

How I got revenge on Jerry was moving on and getting a new boyfriend and he was perfect and a lot better than he is. Sure he had bad feet and didn’t drive and isn’t able to anyway but he was still perfect. He understood me, accepted me, I didn’t feel I had to change to please him and to make him happy, he never got mad at me about my anxiety, he is very sensitive about feelings, and we got married, had two kids, we are living a happy life, we lived a happy life in our apartment without any financial issues and we didn’t need to get any money from anyone to live. Right now her life is bad and my life is good so this is good revenge here I did. Also karma is a bitch. That is also the other revenge you do, hope for karma on that person and go back and see if they are getting it but that can be a big mistake looking your ex’s up online because you might be upset they are having a happier life than you are or a better life or seeing that they have moved on and are content with themselves but what I saw was my ex having a sad sad life I wouldn’t wish on anyone but yet I saw irony which also bugged me because I hate hypocrisy but yet I saw she was exploring adult baby so there was a feeling of betrayal. To me that was being a hypocrite but my husband told me she was just over compensating so that all makes sense why she would go against her own word and I don’t feel as annoyed. I did start to suspect that she was transgender and that she wanted to do more childish things but refused because she was too concerned it would make her a pedophile and thought others would think that of her. But back then I didn’t know the term transgender or knew nothing about it. The whole concept of feeling being born with the wrong gender was alien to me and it went over my head. But yet I never had any problems with people living as a different gender because I saw it as harmless. But she had way too many problems and I had to get out because of her over compensation and she took it out on me even though I was not fully aware of it.

My other ex, my revenge was just me breaking up with him.

I don’t waste my time on other revenge because it’s a waste of energy and a sign of being dysfunctional and having wrath and not moving on and a sign of having issues letting go and moving on.

We don’t get to decide

Thursday, August 27th, 2015

Well I have finally figured out that we don’t get to decide if we are none judgmental, etc. or what is mean and not mean and what is rude and what isn’t etc.

I remember years back on Wrongplanet, a member there told me you don’t get to decide if you are a troll or not, other people get to decide and he told me how he was on another forum, he got accused of trolling so the mods did a vote about him being a troll or not and they voted he was one so he was banned for “trolling” even though it was not his intent. I guess we also don’t get to decide if what we are posting is trolling or not so I guess you can be a unintentional troll.

I also remember reading on that same forum that you don’t get to decide what is offensive or not and telling someone that they are being too sensitive is being dismissive of their feelings and it’s an excuse bullies use.

An online friend told me that he thinks that virus joke I posted about here is mean so I realized people get to decide what you do is mean or not. If they laugh and find it funny, it was funny and good, if they don’t laugh and they didn’t like it, you were mean. People are unpredictable because I never know how they are going to react.

I have noticed that people who claim to be non judgmental actually are judgmental so right when someone defines themselves as that, I automatically think they are because of personal experience. I don’t believe anyone who says they are non judgmental. I am sorry but you don’t get to decide that for yourself. I don’t think we also get to decide if we are nice people or loyal, etc. which is why I don’t describe myself that way because that is up for other people to decide.

But I know this line of thinking will make us be victims of gas lighting and that is why people become victims of it in abuse so it’s tough to tell if someone is gas lighting you or if they are serious. Plus everyone has their own perspectives so it’s hard to tell. But yet there have been times when a person would insult me and I get told they didn’t insult me, how dismissive. Even my own mom has done it, telling me a girl in my school did not insult me so it was as if my own feelings didn’t matter. Now I can see where I got that line of thinking from when I would be the feeling police and decide how people feel. I would say I did not do this or that, they are choosing to be that way bla bla bla. I must start telling myself my mom was wrong, another person online was wrong for telling me she did not insult me. It would have been better if she had just said “I didn’t mean to insult you so sorry about that” and that would have been over between us. A simple apology will always do but this won’t work on everyone because some people just don’t get over it even after you apologize, instead they keep carrying on with their wrath or meanness. But hey a simple apology will always get me off your back. But even in my school when this one girl insulted me, other teachers didn’t seem to care either so it really taught me to be dismissive. Instead I was the bad guy because of the way I handled it and reacted and she was automatically the victim. But they were the feeling police and my perspective was wrong and my feelings too. But now I know they were wrong.

One of the worst places to live, Montana IMO

Wednesday, August 26th, 2015

I lived in Montana for eight years and I did not like living there. I think it’s one of the worst states to live in and my town ranked 11th on the list and Polson ranked the 17th. It’s beautiful and they have Glacier Park but what is so bad about it is well lot of things and I will explain why.

There is no public transportation so you better need a car.

Lack of employment, less jobs because of less people and there are a bunch of small towns, even in the middle of nowhere and you would have to drive an hour or more to get to work or even drive a half hour to work. I would drive eleven miles to work and it was about a half hour.

You would have to drive about forty minutes to get to a nice restaurant

Dairy Queen is only open seasonally. Fortunately the one in my town was open all year around.

Your local movie theater only shows one or two movies, you would have to drive at least an hour to a real movie theater

There is not much entertainment unless you are an outdoor person so there will be camping, hunting fishing, hiking, river rafting.

You would have to drive at least 200 miles to do some real shopping. Fortunately where I lived, we only needed to drive an hour

You would have to drive a ways to go to a grocery store. My parents would drive 11 miles to Safeway which was a fortunate because it was nearby but in another town

No real video stores, they are defunct now and it’s rare to find one now

Harder to date, less people, less people to find to date and you would have to drive a few hours to meet someone you met online on a dating site

The wage there is low so there is no way my husband and I would make it there because things are just too expensive and I would be making less money there than I do now and even though rent in cheaper there, it’s still expensive due to low wages so ironic how we can survive here than we would in Montana despite cheaper prices.

I was not a happy camper there as an adult so i felt depressed and felt I was not going anywhere in my life so i fixed it by moving out of state to a city. But I don’t mind visiting my old home town, it’s fun and fun to look around but I know I would get tired of it real quick if we moved there.

I may seem negative about living there but I am just not a outdoor person, I am a city person. I did not like living there at all and you had to drive everywhere and drive a ways to get to places. Here, there are tons of people and there are autism groups, kink groups, a bunch of groups you can join, light rails and buses, a bunch of shopping centers and stores, and there are a lot more jobs and a lot more people to meet.