Archive for the ‘abuse’ Tag

I was right

Monday, April 3rd, 2017

So in my last post about the “offensive” comment I had made, not too long later the mother decided to give us in update with her situation so she posted that she had talked to her brother and his wife and to their five year old and it turned out he did it on purpose. The brother said they will leave and then the mother was unsure if she should take her kid into ER or not when she was showing worse symptoms. Then all the parents are saying in the thread how they should rush her into ER and don’t just sit there and wonder. Also others are telling her to kick the family out now. But yet not either of them knowledge how correct I was and didn’t even apologize for their down vote. So everyone is now acknowledging how the kid does have problems and needs help and to kick that family out now and she must protect her daughter. Well isn’t that what I had posted about in my “offensive” reply when I said I wouldn’t leave my kid alone ever and I would have kept everything locked away?

People are weird and rarely will anyone admit you are right and apologize.

No one wants to believe a kid can be evil

Friday, March 31st, 2017

This comment got four down votes as of right now:

 

I believe evil exists and I believe some are born with it. Jeffrey dahmar is an example and it’s possible a child to be evil. But no one wants to believe it. That kid might be sick. If it were my kid I would be rushing for hospitals and psychistrists and putting locks on everything and never let the kid out of my sight. Are the parents not aware?

 

Some parent online made this post here:

This is going to be a long story

My brother has this 4 soon to be 5 year old that I wouldn’t trust leaving my daughter alone with. He does some pretty sadistic things. He hits my child on purpose and the smile on his face when he laughs and smiles about it gives me chills. When he was younger he use to bite his siblings and niece’s and nephew’s. He’s grown out of that stage but now he scratches, punches, etc.

Today I’m writing cause it concerns me of what he actually did last night and I’m concerned for my child’s health. I just had woken up to make my child a bottle of milk (she has SPD and still is on bottles. As I was pouring her a bottle of milk I poured myself a glass as well and when I took a drink it tasted awful, like pure rubbing alcohol. At first I thought it was the glassed I poured it in but then I smelled the jug of milk and noticed there was a bottle of rubbing alcohol on the kitchen counter that was empty. I got panicked, spilled it all down the drain and started searching up what would happen if it was drank (I’m in panic mode now) I’m not sure if the bottle I made her previously was contaminated or not but she has SPD so I’m hoping and praying that it wasn’t cause she would know. I have no proof he did it but I just know in my heart he did. He’s a little sadistic shit of kid.

Anyway should I take my child to the E.R. So far she’s acting fine in her sleep but I’m not sure. She had a fever earlier but I think that was cause to her teeth (she’s been complaining her teeth hurt) has a dentist appointment tomorrow. Once again I don’t know if the milk had been contaminated earlier or just 4-5 hours ago.

Also, my brother and his wife are temporarily staying with us and because they had a conflict with my other brother they were staying with about their kids. So I feel like if I bring this up they’ll be devastated but their kid is just too bad

So it’s offensive that if your kid behaves like psychopath and it’s beyond normal,  you look for doctors and mental hospitals to help your child so they won’t be a psychopath and they learn to control it and it’s offensive to keep everything locked away so your kid can use anything as a weapon and keeping them in your sight so they won’t do anything evil because you are watching and you can’t trust them for a few minutes or in the other room by themselves. Also the mother said in her comments the kid is actually five going on six. But no one wants to believe it a kid can be that bad and you did nothing wrong to make your kid that way.

I’m so crazy

Friday, February 3rd, 2017

(This post contains sarcasm)

I hate it when people normalize what I went through as normal. I have been taken advantage of, used, spat at, gotten into trouble by other kids, trick into eating foods that have been farted on or sat on or been in other kids mouths, made fun of, verbally abused by being told I am retarded or stupid, made fun of for how I talked, had pine cones thrown at me, and this happened to me all the time and I was targeted for this abuse.

I decided today that anyone who tries to tell me this is all normal I will cut them out of my life for making me feel I am crazy and mental and that I can’t handle normal things so I exaggerate and make things look bad than it really is.

I guess I am so crazy no wonder I am on SSDI because I am so crazy.

I am so upset about that comment I got online why was I so stupid to read past “Please don’t take offense” because I did get offended after all and upset and now I am feeling like I am insane and crazy and I exaggerated my problems and my past and I must not have looked hard enough to see everyone else get it all the time. Then in 6th grade I was falling apart I had to be taken out of school and couldn’t go for a while because I was so ill and I was even seeing a psychiatrist but it was for a diagnoses. But I don’t think I was there because I was being picked on, I was there to get a diagnoses for school because all the other diagnoses I have had were not working.

My husband just told me none of this was normal and he never had any of that stuff happen to him and that person was crazy for thinking it’s normal. I asked him he has never been taken advantage of or had been given food that was in their mouth or been sat on and he told me No and that was bullying and not normal.

For years I was weary of taking a piece of candy from anyone if I didn’t see them taking it out and giving it to me because I was so worried they had done something to it and will start laughing after I put it in my mouth. I also was afraid I was going to be taken advantage of anyone in school so it made me be cautious and I was also cautious of any stories I was told about because I wasn’t sure if they were made up. And this is normal? Wow I am crazy if this is how it affected me and no wonder I am on SSDI. I really do have mental issues if I can’t handle normal life and normal things do mental affect on me or psychological affect. I wonder if there is a condition for this sort of thing I have?

Abuse enablers due to mental illness

Monday, November 28th, 2016

I was on reddit and I found an interesting thread talking about an article about making BPD out to be empaths who don’t mean to be manipulative and evil because the OP was sick of those articles. I do think it’s great seeing things from a different perspective and knowing what is going on in their minds when they do their behaviors but it doesn’t mean their behavior is okay. It doesn’t mean we all have to sit back and accept their abuse and I know not all of them are that way because there are some out there who do go to therapy and really to work hard to change to be better people and to improve their relationships and I do see people posting online who say they have BPD but they act no different, there are even some on Wrongplanet who have that diagnoses too and they don’t act toxic and I am not going to judge them based on the label. I would rather judge them by their behavior they show and if it’s abusive or if they are rude or just a jerk or if they write about how toxic they are, I won’t like them. I will often hear bad things about them on the Reddit forum because it’s a place for people who have been hurt by them. It’s very similar to what I read about narcissism. Sometimes I will go to the BPD subreddit to see their stories and their perspectives and it also helps defeat the stereotypes of borderlines being all mean and evil and abusers and manipulators because not all of them are that way.

I did find this article which I found infuriating:

http://shrink4men.com/2014/07/30/going-mental-borderline-personality-disorder-enablers-and-apologists/

This would be a trigger to anyone who has been hurt by them. No one likes to be told to be more understanding and just accept the abuse because “oh they can’t help it.”

 

People saying their abusers faked a condition trend

Wednesday, November 16th, 2016

I often notice a trend by people who were in abusive relationships about their partners faking an illness. I did ask a couple weeks ago about how do we know if they actually had a disorder or are we just assuming they were faking it because they were abusive and it didn’t turn out well. I did write here about No longer identifying my ex as an aspie because it’s taboo to be in a relationship with someone who had it and they were abusive. Mine was controlling and emotionally abusive. She has never hit me or broken anything and she has never threatened me or called me any names like stupid or bitch or telling me how worthless I am or telling me no one will ever want me. But abuse is also a spectrum so not everyone always knows they are being abused but y mom knew but didn’t say anything until long after we were split up. But at first she said while we were living apart that she was worried I was being abused and I said I was not and reassured her I wasn’t. This was before I knew about emotional abuse and knew about different forms of it and when I found out after reading an article about it in the Seventeen mag around December 2008 or January 2009 and she ticked a few boxes for it, I was in denial for a while because I was still making excuses for my ex which is pretty typical in lot of victims. But the main reason was I was worried I would be playing the victim if I admitted it and came out with it. But my mother has reminded me that anyone can be abusive, even people with Alzheimer’s can be abusive. We actually adopted a dog from an animal shelter when I was 14 and she was an abused animal and it turned out her abuser was an old woman who was senile and she would forget to feed her dog so the dog would dig in the trash and she would beat her with a newspaper. It was obvious she did more to her than beating her with a paper because our dog was scared of lot of things like our tone, rags, and it was very difficult having her for months and then she got over her truama and was no longer afraid and didn’t easily pee anymore and was no longer disobedient. We just had to earn her trust. My grandmother has acted abusive verbally so I was afraid of her as an adult because of stories my mom was telling about her. When her Alzheimer’s got worse, she had more wild mood swings and emotions and would mistreat her caregivers. My mom thinks she was Bipolar. Plus before her Alzheimer’s got worse, she just hid it more or unless my mom hid it from us kids but she has told me stories like when we were children, she referred her sister in law as the bitch and would tell her sons she wanted that bitch out of her house. She had issues with jealousy and would get jealous and she never treated her daughter in laws well. My mom kept this from me and my brothers because she wanted us to have a good relationship with her and not be afraid of her or have our opinions about her be influenced by her stories. Mom made sure to never tell anything bad about our grandmother in front of us. But I did get afraid of her when she started to tell them in front of me and tell them to me as if she thought I could handle that part about her but I didn’t because I became afraid of my own grandmother. I didn’t want to be her victim so I was afraid and didn’t want to be around her anymore because I was worried she would go off on me and I never take it well when people mistreat me. Then it doesn’t help when people give me excuses about them and expect me to be understanding and just accept the abuse because “Oh she is just old and probably doesn’t remember she did it.” I was actually told that when I was 15 and my grandfather sided with her than with me and I was the child and she was the adult. But my aunt and my dad told me she is old so old people do those things and she probably doesn’t even remember it. But when her Alzheimer’s got real bad, her abusive behavior went away due to her short term memory being wiped so I no longer feared her and I was able to see her again and not be afraid. But I was not able to have any conversations with her.

When someone has a mental illness or a disorder (excluding personality disorders) you are expected to be understanding and have compassion or else you are seen as being ignorant when you have been hurt by them and talk about what they have done to you and how they have treated you that was abusive or hurtful.

I can’t count how many times I have seen people on the autism spectrum say how ignorant and narcissist NTs are for being hurt and abused by their “AS” partner and being called un understanding and being called bigots and I can’t count how many times I have seen them also say how discriminating someone is for writing about being abused and neglected by their “AS” parent and I think it’s too much to ask for a child to be understanding. These are children, you can’t expect them to accommodate their parents and have them turn out fine when they are adults. I have noticed it seems to be politically incorrect to be abused by an autistic person so you are better off not identifying them as such or else you won’t get sympathy so it’s no surprising to see people say how their abusers faked an illness or a disorder to get away with their abuse. If people just pretend their partners were normal or just say they had a personality disorder or not mention any disorder at all, they will get sympathy and not be re triggered if anyone stands up for their abuser because of a disorder they had.

Now I am asking how do we know they faked it. I understand how it’s so taboo to be abused by someone with a mental illness or a disability because people then dismiss your feelings and treat you as the bad guy and that doesn’t help you at all. It’s invalidating and it’s like your feelings don’t matter.

There was a thread again on narcissisticabuse subreddit on Reddit about someone faking an illness. The thread was titled “NEX faking amnesia” and another person wrote in their reply theirs faked something to get a medical Marijuana card and another person wrote theirs faked suicide attempts and I wrote I am sure mine faked theirs. Then the OP told me her nex faked a head injury to make her feel sorry for him and use it as an excuse to be a horrible person.

Why is it that when someone has a disorder, the victims are expected to be understanding and non affected by their abuse? Even people won’t label that person as an abuser if they have a disorder but ironically on Wrongplanet I have seen members there tell NT users that their “AS” partner is just abusive and that isn’t autism. So at least not all of them stick up for an “aspie.” Even in a aspie Facebook group, back when I still identified Jerry as an aspie, someone posted a question asking if anyone has ever been in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like so I answered and the response I got from someone was I had described an asshole and anyone can be one and it had nothing to do with AS. I was embarrassed and I felt bad and I wasn’t trying to bad talk AS and trying to say it was all aspie behavior. I was just answering a question about being in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like but that was just an example about how taboo it is to be in a toxic relationship with someone with it. It offends people. So when I stopped identifying her as one, I now don’t have to say what being with an aspie was like in a relationship. I now don’t have to say I dated an aspie one time and it was horrible. I don’t have to pretend by staying silent about it. Just as long as she didn’t have it, I am not pretending. I am not being silent. I don’t have to hide. I wouldn’t answer a question to someone if they asked if anyone has ever dated anyone with cerebral palsy because Jerry didn’t have it so I am not being silent about that because she didn’t have it so not answering a question about dating an aspie is the same thing. I solved my own problem. But looking on the bright side, at least I didn’t get accused of being ignorant or a bigot or a hateful person or non understanding. So not all autistic people think someone is non understanding for being in a bad relationship with an aspie.

I had AS and aspie in quotes in this post because usually they are not even diagnosed, just their partner putting that armchair label on them to explain their abusive or asshole or cold behavior.

I have seen a post on Reddit by an abused victim about their parent faking dementia but admitted it’s so hard to tell if it’s real or an act. The mother was in her early 60’s. So this is a trend I have been noticing about victims saying their abuser is faking a condition. So I tried asking on Reddit how can we tell if their condition is real or fake and if are we just saying they are faking it. How do I know Jerry wasn’t faking any of hers? My mom thought she was faking her PTSD and telling me she knew nothing about AS and doesn’t know what it is. I remember her telling me that back in 2007. But yet she didn’t think Jayden was faking anything when we were together and told me he might be a schizophrenic or might be mentally ill and I didn’t believe her then because it was just her opinion and she wasn’t a psychiatrist. But it turns out she was right and she told me “I told you he was ill” when I showed her the online court document about his parents divorce and it mentioned him being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and his mother helps him with daily assistance. But she still thinks he was an asshole and reminded me anyone can be an asshole. So at least my mom doesn’t undiagnose everyone if they are abusive because she didn’t say our former dog’s owner was faking being senile and reminded me anyone can be abusive. She also didn’t say Jayden was faking having ADHD because she told me he had more going on than ADHD.

It doesn’t have to be intentional for it to be abuse

Sunday, November 13th, 2016

This is controversial because many people will disagree that abuse can be unintentional. I have talked about before in this blog how I can see myself doing financial abuse due to my money anxiety so that was why my husband took over the finances. I was driving him crazy with my anxiety about money he felt he couldn’t live a life because I would freak out if I found out he had spent a dollar and I was already talking about taking away his cards so I wouldn’t have to worry about him spending any money and having anxiety. This wasn’t about control, it was about my comfort zone and to relieve my anxiety to make my life calmer and to feel in control of my life again because of the unknown and my husband wasn’t supporting that. This is an example of unintentional abuse and how a mental illness or a disorder can attribute to abuse.

What about a parent who isn’t aware their kid has a disability because they look normal and seem normal. Asperger’s is a hidden disorder and so is ADHD and anxiety and other things that makes the kid act different. So what if the parent was unaware their kid had anxiety so they were always getting mad at them for their fears and over reaction and calling them a baby and forcing them into situations they feel uncomfortable in. At age six I was forced to ride on a big ferris wheel and my mom and dad didn’t care about my fear of it and the reason why I was scared was because I was worried it would give me this feeling in my stomach that some rides give you and I didn’t like that feeling and I had been on a ferris wheel that gave me that feeling so I felt too nervous to ride on one again that went too high up. Lot of people will agree that it is cruel to scare your child but that is what my parents did to me, they scared me and forced me into something I feared and got mad at me for crying and for being scared and didn’t give rats ass. I would call this unintentional abuse. I don’t think they did it to be cruel. Most people are not afraid of ferris wheels so how were they supposed to know my fear was real? They were ignorant then. My dad is still ignorant about my anxiety. I don’t fear ferris wheels anymore. Back then being forced on it was like walking the green mile or walking to the torture device because you know what is going to happen and you don’t know what is going to happen like how much pain you will feel, if it will hurt or not. That was how I felt going on that ride. I didn’t know how bad it would be, how much it will be scary and how bad the feeling in my tummy would be when we go down. I realize I probably did have anxiety as a young child but it wasn’t prominent then so no one knew. Instead I would be told to stop or being called a baby so therefore my feelings would be invalidated and I did feel then as a young child that my mom didn’t care about me. I just assumed then she knew because I didn’t know my feelings were not normal and my mom had assumed my feelings were normal but was over reacting or just whining. Ironically my mom is against people scaring kids and breaking them by making them fear you so they will listen but yet she did the exact same thing  to me when I was a kid. Then the time I didn’t have anxiety about being dumped on the side of the road because I figured I would just hitchhike home, my mom was mad because I didn’t have beg her to not leave me on the side of the road. Yes that is fear right there you are doing to your kids and you say it’s not good to scare your children?

Then there is ADHD. I can’t count how many times I have read online by people who grew up with undiagnosed ADD or ADHD, they always got in trouble for losing things and always got in trouble for not being able to sit still or pay attention or for forgetting things, etc. It was as if they were abused. I would call their abuse unintentional because no one was aware of their ADD then. I can’t imagine how hard their life must have been the the anxiety they must have had growing up and the low self esteem.

But because abuse implies intent, people will say they were not abused or say someone they know isn’t abusive because they know their partner or child doesn’t do it on purpose. Then of course when someone has a mental illness, their victims may still call them abusive and say their actions are intentional.

What about those who suffer from NPD or BPD, they tend to lack self awareness. They may not see themselves as being abusive. I noticed on the forum on Reddit by BPD victims that the borderliners tend to rewrite history so they have “amnesia” about their abuse they did to their child or partner. Jerry seemed to have rewritten hers when she said she did none of that stuff I said she did except for “taking too long” to give me back my Dish Network piece. Also people with BPD don’t realize they are being manipulative and may not see their behavior as manipulative because to their perspective they are just trying to get their needs met like everyone else. But that never matters to the victim. It only matters what the borderliner is doing, not their intention behind it.

Then there are people who have NPD and they also seem to lack awareness of their own behavior so to me it seems like their behavior is unintentional if they are unaware which is why it’s probably a disorder, an illness. Many people disagree that personality disorders are a mental illness and want to keep these separated from mental illnesses. But the truth is mental illness is also a spectrum. It can range from evil to none evil. Maybe people like to separate personality disorders from a mental illness because they don’t want the stigma on mental illness.

In a way I do feel sorry for those who have NPD and BPD because they are their own worst enemies and they didn’t choose to be that way and I can’t imagine having those disorders and hurting people and not even being aware and seeing myself as the victim. I cannot imagine having a disorder only to find out my own emotions are wrong and my feelings are wrong and not knowing when they are valid and not being entitled to them. We often hear that everyone is entitled to their feelings and that people should trust their gut instinct but that doesn’t seem to apply to those who have BPD. That only applies to “normal” people. Most stuff we read out there is aimed at normal people assuming whoever is reading it is “normal.”

I have anxiety but stuff I find online about what to do about yelling at your kids, none of the advice I read is helpful because it’s all about staying calm and stuff but what do you do if your kids are the ones giving you anxiety and you can’t be calm unless your kids stop? There is no parenting articles out there aimed at parents with autism or anxiety about yelling at your kids. And too much yelling is abuse so that would mean I am doing unintentional abuse.

Because abuse often implies intent and also has a bad stigma to it, no one wants to see themselves as an abuser even if their actions are abusive. Even the loved one doesn’t want to see their child or partner as abusive especially if they have trauma or a disorder or came from an abusive background themselves where they grew up around anger and abuse or neglect. I didn’t want to see Jerry as an abuser when I was with her so I always defended her and made excuses for her like she has anxiety, she is worried about what people might think of her, she has PTSD, she has AS so she is just being honest, her ex called her a pedophile so now she ignores me if I am not acting mature enough for her. But all that did was it hurt me and I let that all happen instead of sticking up for myself and now I have myself to blame. So that is why I will never ever let anyone abuse me again and no disorder or mental illness will change that and only their actions and how they treat me matter, not their intentions and I don’t care what their intentions are or if it’s on purpose or not. I need to care about my own mental health and protect myself from any abuse. I also need to stay away from anyone who is abusive. I still get triggers to this day from certain things I read when something reminds me of Jerry. I even had to block someone on a forum when she made a trigger post and what she was writing were similar feelings to what Jerry had so I took a great dislike to her and blocked her because she was triggering. But I wasn’t the only one who had blocked her because she had left that forum and I saw her posting elsewhere online saying she was ignored because people didn’t agree with her views. Her views? Is she shitting me, she was a bigot on ABDLs and then pulling the “I still love you” crap like Barney. Ugh.

Now here is an article that talks about unintentional abuse but it’s about parents doing it:

Understanding Unintentional Abuse

 

 

Appalling discovery

Monday, October 3rd, 2016

I was recently linked to a Twitter page on Reddit and I discovered people on there thinking personality disorders don’t exist and they are just made up for victims who went through trauma. I even found a blog from that Twitter page talking about how to manipulate the doctors to avoid a personality disorder label and how to get a different diagnoses instead. It tells you what to say and what not to talk about. I am not going to bother linking those pages because I don’t want the blogger to know I had posted their link here because WordPress does send you a notification you have been quoted or linked to another WordPress page and also I don’t want to direct any Twitter traffic to this page and have them see this post.

Also they don’t think BPD exists. They think they’re all just labels for victims but they had missed the point. People don’t get diagnosed with a personality disorder because they were a victim of trauma, they are labeled that way because of their unstable moods and emotions and how they handle their behavior and their personality and how much it holds them back and causes them an impairment in their daily functioning. Not all survivors get a personality disorder but I have read that a PD can be developed due to trauma but some people still get it without trauma. But I remember reading somewhere abused victims are more likely to develop unstable emotions and relationships and have unstable personalities. But isn’t the whole point in a diagnoses is to get the help and treatment they need? So they would go see a therapist that specializes in personality disorders but if they don’t think there is anything wrong with them, they won’t really get help for it.

But it did help me see their perspective about why they blame their problems on others and not take responsibility and why it’s always the other person’s fault and not theirs.  It’s sad how they don’t believe in their own diagnoses and they think it’s just a label. Yes you were abused and it’s not your fault but you are responsible for how you handle it now and what to do with your present time now and you are responsible for your behavior. There are plenty of abused people out there who don’t go around mistreating others and abusing them. They might have PTSD but that is about it. BPD can be treated and recovered from I have read. NPD can be recovered from too but that seems to be very rare. You always have the choice to recover and get control of yourself. That is something I learned on Dr. Phil and even Sarah Burleton said something about it too when she wrote a blog post about lot of people blaming their problems on their parents. While it is true that people do have problems due to their past abuse or how their parents raised them, they still have the choice about what to do about their life now and to change it instead of continuing to be a victim and not do a thing about it.

I don’t doubt there are some people who are a victim of a label because misdiagnoses do happen and sometimes abusers will gaslight and manipulate a doctor and they end up diagnosing a patient with a disorder they don’t even have because they believed that person over a patient. Then that label follows that person and people take them less seriously because they look at the diagnoses and think this is what is going on and think they are having a symptom again and not take them seriously. Same thing happens with other disorders too like with autism or Bipolar or anxiety. Then those people have to deal with it in the doctor’s office. They might be told they are just having anxiety when they talk about their feelings or personal experience or just be told they are having a mood swing or they are just missing social cues so people are acting the way they are so they must be doing something socially inappropriate. Unfortunately I feel my mom does this to me about my anxiety, everything is always anxiety. In high school I felt I couldn’t make any mistakes without it being called Asperger’s. I think the same thing can happen with OCD. If you like things neat and organized and get upset when other people don’t keep it that way, everyone blames it on the OCD and uses it to justify to not take you seriously. But if you have autism, people are more likely to follow your rules but if it’s OCD, it’s oh no you have to face your compulsion to fight it. But what if you just like things neat and organized and it has nothing to do with any anxiety and distress and any magical thinking, you just like it that way? But with OCD, people might just blame it on that and not take it seriously because they think that is just the OCD talking. I think I can understand what those people with PD’s are saying who don’t believe in that diagnoses, they feel invalidated when it’s blamed on a disorder and it affects how doctors treat them because of the diagnoses on their file. Instead of treating them like human like how they would treat anyone else with trauma without that diagnoses, they treat them differently.

There is a very bad stigma on personality disorders no one wants to have it so why would they want that diagnoses? Instead it’s so much better to have autism or anxiety or PTSD or OCD or Bipolar or schizophrenia and have it not be your fault but when you have a PD, it’s all your fault. PD’s are not treated the same as mental illnesses by doctors and society. Even people will say Ted Bundy was not mentally ill even though he was labeled as being a narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder but in my opinion anyone who likes killing people and getting a pleasure out of it is sick. But because he was a cold blooded killer, everyone just wants him to be evil than someone who was mentally ill and had a disorder that made him evil. No one wants murder to be linked to a mental illness so no one wants any killers to be mentally ill and if they have a personality disorder, no one wants it to be a mental illness so it’s often treated separately. No one wants to have sympathy for anyone with a personality disorder so they don’t see it as a mental illness even though they are one. Even victims don’t want their abusers to have a mental illness or some neurological disorder, they would rather have them have a personality disorder or else it would mean it’s not their fault and it’s the victim’s fault.

So I think I can see what those people are saying about PD’s and how it invalidates them. But then again they are still responsible, everyone is responsible regarding what disorder they have including non personality disorders. But no one is responsible for the abuse they went through as a child.

Regret vs Remorse

Sunday, September 25th, 2016

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201507/regret-vs-remorse

I found an article about Borderline and narcissistic regret vs remorse. My ex had told me in a comment here that she has BPD. That is very similar to NPD because they are often compared and people saying they are both the same to victims. Some don’t even know if they are both or which one they have because of the overlap.

I remember when I was on my ex’s Facebook page, I saw one where she said she lost the only woman she loved. I thought that was some joke and I wasn’t sure if she was talking about me. She could have been talking about someone else. She might have met another woman and lost her. But anyway the first thought that came to my head was “You ignored me so can she say she lost me?” Then I started wondering why she would quit answering her phone in the first place. Did she think I would stick around if I was being treated that way?

Also one of their hallmarks is their lack of truly being sorry. My ex was not sorry for how she treated me. She denied it instead and used her diagnoses as a cop out. Instead of taking responsibility she threw the “I really wish you would read about my diagnoses so you can understand me better.” She also told me she is sorry for how I fee.l and she told me what she read here was upsetting. I think she felt that way because she didn’t like how I was reacting about it and feeling. The article sums it up right here about this behavior she did.

BP/NPs don’t take responsibility for their own moods or actions, so they don’t feel remorse.  Instead, they typically feel angry at you for reacting negatively to their actions.  They rarely even notice that they have hurt your feelings or insulted you or put down your opinions or views.  When you point out that they have done something hurtful, they blame you for “being too sensitive” or too judgmental or just unloving.

I remember in the relationship, I was trying very hard to figure out how to word things and how to say things so my ex wouldn’t get upset with me. Then I would blame it on myself thinking my communication was wrong and I can’t say anything right. The reason why other people don’t react the way they do and cry is because they can control their emotions and hold them in, she doesn’t do that. It also created lot of stress for me because I had all these thoughts in my brain and I couldn’t even talk about them because it would upset her so I was left alone with these intrusive thoughts. I can talk to my husband about it and he wouldn’t get upset with me even though he has admitted it’s hard work for him because he then has to calm me down. But he still does it because he loves me and he doesn’t like me being upset. I don’t like being this way either so that is why he handles all the finances and doesn’t tell me how much money we have and I just use my credit card and he pays it off. I don’t go overboard with spending. My husband is also good with finances and he doesn’t buy stuff we can’t afford so I trust we won’t go broke or go below in our bank account. If I had stayed with my ex, none of this wouldn’t happen and I would be alone with my intrusive thoughts and it would have been very stressful.

The moment I got the comment from my ex was a typical narc apology. I know because I have lurked on forums about it and read blogs about it and have seen people post their narc apologies that were sent to them by their ex or narc parent. Their letters are usually calm and not angry or hostile. My ex’s letter was calm and there was no tension in it or any anger. They will also deny the things they did and say how sorry they are for you feeling a certain way about them or say how sorry they are for you not having a happy childhood. They never apologize for how they acted and treated you. There is also gaslighting in it. My ex did some gaslighting by saying she didn’t do any of the stuff I said she did.

I have noticed a pattern with abusers. They seem to forget the abuse they have done to their victims and that behavior is always harmful for the victim. I have wondered if they regret so much what they did they truly forget about their abuse as some form of coping mechanism because they can’t cope with their feeling of regret or even guilt so it’s easy to just forget so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. But then that means they wouldn’t have to take responsibility over what they did. My mother used to tell me when I was 10-12 “just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.” Even as a kid if I had no memory of doing something, I wasn’t off the hook, people didn’t move on. They still had to talk about it and make a big deal about it and to me it was over and done with because I lived in the moment and this was a problem for everyone around me. I cannot imagine how much gaslighting I must have been doing growing up and how many times I must have invalidated feelings. Just because something wasn’t a big deal to me, I couldn’t understand why it would be a big deal to someone else and why they were still obsessing over it so I made it be their problem. This is a common characteristic in BPD and NPD. Gosh no wonder so many kids thought I was mean and selfish and not caring. I looked normal and looked like everyone else. I didn’t even look like I had problems so how would the other kids know I had problems?

But no one around me was stupid because they remembered and knew it full well happened even if I denied it or didn’t make a big deal about it and got annoyed with them when they would obsess about it.

Do people with NPD and BPD live in the moment? I don’t think so. I think it’s just about avoiding responsibility and them thinking it’s not their fault.

And because my mother did drill into my head about just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it never happened, I did start to believe things I did other kids would tell me I did so for two years I believed I shoved a plastic fork in a kid’s neck and it stuck there. Why? Because other kids told me I did it but then in my Freshman year, a boy told me at a dance party that never happened and the kid just made it up to make himself look cool. So after that I am back to trusting my own thoughts and not believes what people tell me about myself. It’s either pics or it didn’t happen. If it’s anything minor, I won’t argue about it and deny it because it wouldn’t be worth fighting about.  My mom told me years later in my adult years that if she had known about the fork incident, she would have told me it never happened because if it did, I would have been charged with assault and taken away and be put in a juvenile detention center.

 

Woman arrested for domestic abuse

Wednesday, September 14th, 2016

You don’t hear this often about women being arrested for abuse, you only hear about the guys being arrested. Sadly as a guy, you need to have actual proof you were the victim so this guy had his phone on record for the whole thing and it was enough for the police officers to make an arrest.

 

Something new I learned about bullying

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

I was reading a book at Barnes & Noble and it was about anxiety. It talks about anxiety disorders and I was reading the first chapter and he talks about teens and technology. He talks about bullying and he said something very interesting. He said when you are bullied often, you start to think there is something wrong with you, there is something about you that makes kids target you, you don’t see anyone else being bullied like you do, so you start to think something is wrong with you. It brings down your self esteem. He said what makes you a target for bullying is your reaction. REACTION.

Yes the bullying did make me think there was something wrong with me. I took the criticism kids thought of me and I tried to better myself. I started to study what was rude behavior and what exactly is showing off, I started to walk looking at the ground so I would stop bumping into people. I always felt bad for bumping into people because of my clumsiness so I learned to look at the ground when I walk and I will have more time to move my body when I see a kid in the way. I even started to copy “normal” behavior to be normal. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be respected, I didn’t want to be this mean and rude girl and a show off. Kids thought I was weird so I tried to stop being weird. I didn’t accept being different anymore. I tried harder to care about others so I wouldn’t be selfish anymore and spoiled. Also the author wrote to not listen to what kids tell you about yourself and it’s just their opinion. I sure took their opinions seriously so I started to obsess about being normal and trying to be this good person. I couldn’t handle the criticism. But the truth is bullies do not care, you can never impress them. But where do you draw the line for when to listen to someone’s opinion about you and when to not listen? If we never listen to anyone, we will never better ourselves and also when does a comment count as bullying? My mom doesn’t think I was really bullied, she just thinks I was just teased and I was too sensitive and I took kids comments too personally. She says they were just mean kids but she didn’t see any of it as bullying. She says the others were just innocent and I took it too personal, too literal. That seems common in ASD kids to take it all personal so they continue seeing those kids as the same people, I sure did. I didn’t want to be around the kids that made fun of me in the third grade for how I spoke. I didn’t want to be around any kid that thought of me as a show off or selfish or spoiled or rude or crazy or weird. I had true social anxiety around those kids because I felt so self conscious about myself so I had to watch my facial expressions, my behavior, how I sat, my body language. I don’t feel that way anymore because I don’t care what people think and I don’t care about normal. Besides what is normal anyway?

I was also rejected but I didn’t know why I was rejected. My own friends would avoid me and tell me to go away. I had poor social skills.

But I think kids are bullied for many reasons, not because of how you react. Transgender kids get bullied because they do not follow the gender role  Homosexual kids get bullied because they are not following the “norm” and kids are taught that being gay is “wrong” by their religious families or because their parents find it “sick.” Autistic children are bullied because of their poor social skills and because they don’t understand jokes and of course how they react to teasing so it makes them even more of a target. I think one of the things that made me a target for bullying was my reaction to teasing, the way I talked, I was socially naive, I was pretty sensitive. Kids also thought I was stupid or retarded and I did take teasing seriously and I remember getting upset by it too. So when I got upset by it, I think that is what made me more of a target for teasing. Most kids would just ignore it and handle it better and then the kids move onto the other kid. That didn’t happen with me because I made myself the target. Children with autism make themselves the target because of the way they react to teasing so the kids do it more. Kids do like to pick on those who are different. Different can be normal kids or kids with disabilities.

So the author is right that being bullied doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

I think bullying attributes to anxiety. It can lead to PTSD, social anxiety, depression, and of course low self esteem. I think the bullying may have lead to my anxiety and the rejections and causing me to be depressed. By 6th grade I wanted to kill myself and was already talking about it because I couldn’t handle it anymore and I was sick and tired of not being able to be normal. I was so obsessed with the word normal and I didn’t accept myself. I did try to to up my low self esteem by doing work by myself and being proud of it no matter what grade I got. Even my mom getting upset with me about my grade didn’t change it because I did it all by myself without help so I felt normal and smart. C is average so why feel bad about it?