Archive for the ‘LGBT’ Tag

Something new I learned about bullying

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

I was reading a book at Barnes & Noble and it was about anxiety. It talks about anxiety disorders and I was reading the first chapter and he talks about teens and technology. He talks about bullying and he said something very interesting. He said when you are bullied often, you start to think there is something wrong with you, there is something about you that makes kids target you, you don’t see anyone else being bullied like you do, so you start to think something is wrong with you. It brings down your self esteem. He said what makes you a target for bullying is your reaction. REACTION.

Yes the bullying did make me think there was something wrong with me. I took the criticism kids thought of me and I tried to better myself. I started to study what was rude behavior and what exactly is showing off, I started to walk looking at the ground so I would stop bumping into people. I always felt bad for bumping into people because of my clumsiness so I learned to look at the ground when I walk and I will have more time to move my body when I see a kid in the way. I even started to copy “normal” behavior to be normal. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be respected, I didn’t want to be this mean and rude girl and a show off. Kids thought I was weird so I tried to stop being weird. I didn’t accept being different anymore. I tried harder to care about others so I wouldn’t be selfish anymore and spoiled. Also the author wrote to not listen to what kids tell you about yourself and it’s just their opinion. I sure took their opinions seriously so I started to obsess about being normal and trying to be this good person. I couldn’t handle the criticism. But the truth is bullies do not care, you can never impress them. But where do you draw the line for when to listen to someone’s opinion about you and when to not listen? If we never listen to anyone, we will never better ourselves and also when does a comment count as bullying? My mom doesn’t think I was really bullied, she just thinks I was just teased and I was too sensitive and I took kids comments too personally. She says they were just mean kids but she didn’t see any of it as bullying. She says the others were just innocent and I took it too personal, too literal. That seems common in ASD kids to take it all personal so they continue seeing those kids as the same people, I sure did. I didn’t want to be around the kids that made fun of me in the third grade for how I spoke. I didn’t want to be around any kid that thought of me as a show off or selfish or spoiled or rude or crazy or weird. I had true social anxiety around those kids because I felt so self conscious about myself so I had to watch my facial expressions, my behavior, how I sat, my body language. I don’t feel that way anymore because I don’t care what people think and I don’t care about normal. Besides what is normal anyway?

I was also rejected but I didn’t know why I was rejected. My own friends would avoid me and tell me to go away. I had poor social skills.

But I think kids are bullied for many reasons, not because of how you react. Transgender kids get bullied because they do not follow the gender role ¬†Homosexual kids get bullied because they are not following the “norm” and kids are taught that being gay is “wrong” by their religious families or because their parents find it “sick.” Autistic children are bullied because of their poor social skills and because they don’t understand jokes and of course how they react to teasing so it makes them even more of a target. I think one of the things that made me a target for bullying was my reaction to teasing, the way I talked, I was socially naive, I was pretty sensitive. Kids also thought I was stupid or retarded and I did take teasing seriously and I remember getting upset by it too. So when I got upset by it, I think that is what made me more of a target for teasing. Most kids would just ignore it and handle it better and then the kids move onto the other kid. That didn’t happen with me because I made myself the target. Children with autism make themselves the target because of the way they react to teasing so the kids do it more. Kids do like to pick on those who are different. Different can be normal kids or kids with disabilities.

So the author is right that being bullied doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

I think bullying attributes to anxiety. It can lead to PTSD, social anxiety, depression, and of course low self esteem. I think the bullying may have lead to my anxiety and the rejections and causing me to be depressed. By 6th grade I wanted to kill myself and was already talking about it because I couldn’t handle it anymore and I was sick and tired of not being able to be normal. I was so obsessed with the word normal and I didn’t accept myself. I did try to to up my low self esteem by doing work by myself and being proud of it no matter what grade I got. Even my mom getting upset with me about my grade didn’t change it because I did it all by myself without help so I felt normal and smart. C is average so why feel bad about it?

 

What if being gay was the norm?

Tuesday, August 11th, 2015

I watched this video a while back and it was very emotional it made me sad. But it shows what it’s like to be gay or lesbian but they reversed it. Instead it was about what if being straight was the gay and the gay was the heterosexuality.

When I watched it, I wondered if that is what homosexuals actually go through, is it that bad really? Are people really that intolerant and care so much, they have to bully someone about it? The bullying I got never got that bad but I have heard of worse bully stories so it makes mine look like nothing which is why I got over it. I would say what I got was pretty mild and no one got it that bad in my school. But it got worse by 6th grade and I had a nervous breakdown because of it and I had to be taken out of school for a while because I was falling apart. It might have gotten worse than that if we didn’t move and I continued attending school with the same kids.

Ignorance is a bliss.

When I was a kid, I was surrounded with homophobia at my school. Kids would make snide comments about it and one time a boy named Zach said on my bus about my 3rd grade teacher “Mr. (his name) is gay.” Back then I didn’t even know what gay meant. I knew nothing about it. When I was in 5th grade, I think I started to understand what gay meant, liking other boys when you are a boy instead of liking other girls. One time I was asked if I was a lesbian and I asked what it was and this girl in my class, Nichole, told me it meant liking other girls and I said no. I knew that was another word for gay but it was for female. I said no because I knew being gay was “bad” even though i didn’t understand why it was so “wrong.” I only knew it was “wrong” because other kids said it was. Lot of things didn’t make sense when I was a kid including rules but the only reason why I went along with it was because I didn’t want to get yelled at or get in trouble and I found I had to pretend to dislike certain things or like certain things to fit in to be normal and it was bad enough I wasn’t normal and the fact I was already an outcast and got teased in school, I didn’t want to make it worse by having everyone think I was a lesbo.

By high school I started to get worried I was a lesbian because I preferred women more than guys, I didn’t find lot of guys cute, only women. I also didn’t like sex then and thought it was gross. Then when I was 17, I thought I needed help and I decided I better be straight and just like guys more than women. I can remember my mom telling me I shouldn’t let other people get to me like that.

Well I finally got curios about sex when I was 19, I was a late bloomer, so I lost my virginity to my first ex at age of 20 but unfortunately one time was not enough because he wanted it more. I never enjoyed it with him and we only had it nine times total. Then it got real hot out and it was always uncomfortable having it and I am very sensitive to heat and I can’t tolerate sweaty skin and feeling his skin on my skin was uncomfortable so I decided on no more sex until it cooled down outside. In Montana it got real hot in the summer up to the 100’s or 90’s and my home was poorly insulated so it got hot inside always and it was always uncomfortable and sex felt worse in the heat it’s like torture. But this is something he wouldn’t understand so he expected me to get used to it and others online have accused me of playing a game and making excuses.

But anyway when I was in my early twenties, I decided I was bisexual because I liked both men and women and I met my other ex who I call Jerry as a pseudonym. He did not like bi or homosexuality and I told him I was bisexual. He asked me if I ever had sex with a woman and I told him no. He was okay with that because he told me if I had sex with a woman, he would have only wanted to be friends. So to him I was no bisexual because I hadn’t had sex with a woman. That is like saying you are not gay or lesbian until you have sex with another man/woman or saying you are not straight until you have sex. But I never wanted to have sex with a woman. I didn’t even think they could both have sex because neither of them have a penis. I didn’t know then you didn’t need a penis or a vagina for sex. I thought that was the only way to have it and that is what sex was, everything else wasn’t sex.

Then I meet my husband and he tells me I am bi curios because I hadn’t have sex with another woman yet. Then he told me how they have sex and I was revolted by it. He told me that is what they do and told me if I would want that and I said no so he said “You’re straight because you don’t want sex with another woman.”

So there you go, it took me until I was about 22 to figure out what my sexual orientation was. I also found out that lot of girls find other girls cute and some of them also worry about being a lesbian because they find themselves attracted to them and like looking at their bodies and checking them out. And I was so worried about being a lesbian because of homophobia so I compensated. Then it turned out I wasn’t. I was just a late bloomer was all so I didn’t like boys then and I thought sex was to make babies so I thought teens had sex to have a baby and they were far too young and I thought kids were planned than unplanned because that is why people have sex right? I didn’t want kids so I didn’t desire sex. I knew I would have to have it soon when I am ready to have kids.

But I thought this was pretty accurate about bullying in general from what I have read about it.