Archive for the ‘schizophrenia’ Tag

How I feel about those autism hate sites

Thursday, December 29th, 2016

Often times we will see articles about how bad borderlines are and what the red flags are and what makes them toxic people. I see the same written about NPD and psychoapaths and yes those are mental illnesses to rather people want to believe it or not.

I see the same with Asperger’s. I will see hate sites out there warning other people about being in a relationship with them and how harmful they are and how abusive they are.

Now what do I think of these sites, I believe these were created by women who were deeply hurt by their ex who happened to have it or believed they did. I see the same about borderlines too and NPDs and psychopaths and personality disorders. Some do armchair diagnose. I armchair diagnosed mine with covert narcissism but it turned out she was BPD  if she was telling the truth but I still feel she acted very narcissist and a covert one. Talk about overlap and some victims do believe covert narcissism and BPD are the same.

People will express their hurt differently. Some will just suffer in silent and only talk about things their ex did while some others will be hateful about their ex and make fun of them and their problems and make hate posts about them and hate pages on them while some do the extreme and make hates pages on their disorder telling everyone how bad people are with it and warning everyone to stay away from them. There is even a hate group on autism on the Delphi forums. It’s mostly women in it and not all of them are bad and hateful but those ones always stand out and they will make fun of their ex’s and hate on autism. Even the group owner is very hostile towards anyone who is on the spectrum ad will boot and silence anyone if she thinks you’re on it and she will even ban people if she thinks they’re aspies. She has gotten very paranoid and thinks a user from Wrongplanet is trolling there and making different accounts posing as an NT so she bans that user. I remember the time another NT was banned from that group because she was posting on Wrongplanet so the owner assumed she was an ASD but she took it well.

How did I handle my hurt on my ex’s. Well with Jayden I made fun of him behind his back so I even wrote a story about him making fun of my situation and in the story the girlfriend would get tired of him being lazy and not wanting to work so she decides to make him wear diapers so she gives him a choice, either he moves out or wear diapers and he complains how “retarded” that all is but because he doesn’t want to move back home, he goes with diapers. My husband would tease me about him from time to time saying “No wonder you wanted to put him in diapers, he was an adult baby.” When I watched an episode of South Park where the boys got addicted to a computer game and there was someone in the game who was cheating so the boys had to kill a bunch of animals to gain experience points to level up to kill off the character so he would stop killing other characters who didn’t have high experience points because he had so many. The user was fat and messy and lazy so I said to my mother they had made a whole show on Jayden and my mom laughed and said my little brother said that exact same thing and said this is something I should watch because it’s about my ex.

Then there was Jerry. I also talked about her for a while until my parents said they were sick of hearing about her and she was out of my life now so move the fuck on so I would talk to my husband about it and he listened and supported me. I also went on a posting rampage on Wrongplanet about her talking about the stuff she has said t me about me and other things and about how I was treated. I knew she lurked there but I just didn’t care. I wanted her to see my pain and suffering and after finding out about narcissism, I regretted what I did because it meant she probably enjoyed the pain she gave me and had  a good laugh at my suffering because I gave her the attention she wanted.

While I did those things, some will go out of their way and create websites or hate groups on a condition while some will make a blog about their ex and post their real name and I hear someone did actually do that on here and then within a week, her blog was gone and hadn’t been back up since. I did see someone who did that (I wonder if that was the same person) and her intent was to destroy him and to warn any other women who are dating him and when they Google his name they will find her blog and find other news articles about him the bad stuff he has done and the man will suffer forever and be ruined.

Then if course I have heard about women wanting to get revenge on their ex’s after being hurt by them. Reason why I am saying women is because the stories are mostly by them than by guys.

Every hurt person handles it differently.




People saying their abusers faked a condition trend

Wednesday, November 16th, 2016

I often notice a trend by people who were in abusive relationships about their partners faking an illness. I did ask a couple weeks ago about how do we know if they actually had a disorder or are we just assuming they were faking it because they were abusive and it didn’t turn out well. I did write here about No longer identifying my ex as an aspie because it’s taboo to be in a relationship with someone who had it and they were abusive. Mine was controlling and emotionally abusive. She has never hit me or broken anything and she has never threatened me or called me any names like stupid or bitch or telling me how worthless I am or telling me no one will ever want me. But abuse is also a spectrum so not everyone always knows they are being abused but y mom knew but didn’t say anything until long after we were split up. But at first she said while we were living apart that she was worried I was being abused and I said I was not and reassured her I wasn’t. This was before I knew about emotional abuse and knew about different forms of it and when I found out after reading an article about it in the Seventeen mag around December 2008 or January 2009 and she ticked a few boxes for it, I was in denial for a while because I was still making excuses for my ex which is pretty typical in lot of victims. But the main reason was I was worried I would be playing the victim if I admitted it and came out with it. But my mother has reminded me that anyone can be abusive, even people with Alzheimer’s can be abusive. We actually adopted a dog from an animal shelter when I was 14 and she was an abused animal and it turned out her abuser was an old woman who was senile and she would forget to feed her dog so the dog would dig in the trash and she would beat her with a newspaper. It was obvious she did more to her than beating her with a paper because our dog was scared of lot of things like our tone, rags, and it was very difficult having her for months and then she got over her truama and was no longer afraid and didn’t easily pee anymore and was no longer disobedient. We just had to earn her trust. My grandmother has acted abusive verbally so I was afraid of her as an adult because of stories my mom was telling about her. When her Alzheimer’s got worse, she had more wild mood swings and emotions and would mistreat her caregivers. My mom thinks she was Bipolar. Plus before her Alzheimer’s got worse, she just hid it more or unless my mom hid it from us kids but she has told me stories like when we were children, she referred her sister in law as the bitch and would tell her sons she wanted that bitch out of her house. She had issues with jealousy and would get jealous and she never treated her daughter in laws well. My mom kept this from me and my brothers because she wanted us to have a good relationship with her and not be afraid of her or have our opinions about her be influenced by her stories. Mom made sure to never tell anything bad about our grandmother in front of us. But I did get afraid of her when she started to tell them in front of me and tell them to me as if she thought I could handle that part about her but I didn’t because I became afraid of my own grandmother. I didn’t want to be her victim so I was afraid and didn’t want to be around her anymore because I was worried she would go off on me and I never take it well when people mistreat me. Then it doesn’t help when people give me excuses about them and expect me to be understanding and just accept the abuse because “Oh she is just old and probably doesn’t remember she did it.” I was actually told that when I was 15 and my grandfather sided with her than with me and I was the child and she was the adult. But my aunt and my dad told me she is old so old people do those things and she probably doesn’t even remember it. But when her Alzheimer’s got real bad, her abusive behavior went away due to her short term memory being wiped so I no longer feared her and I was able to see her again and not be afraid. But I was not able to have any conversations with her.

When someone has a mental illness or a disorder (excluding personality disorders) you are expected to be understanding and have compassion or else you are seen as being ignorant when you have been hurt by them and talk about what they have done to you and how they have treated you that was abusive or hurtful.

I can’t count how many times I have seen people on the autism spectrum say how ignorant and narcissist NTs are for being hurt and abused by their “AS” partner and being called un understanding and being called bigots and I can’t count how many times I have seen them also say how discriminating someone is for writing about being abused and neglected by their “AS” parent and I think it’s too much to ask for a child to be understanding. These are children, you can’t expect them to accommodate their parents and have them turn out fine when they are adults. I have noticed it seems to be politically incorrect to be abused by an autistic person so you are better off not identifying them as such or else you won’t get sympathy so it’s no surprising to see people say how their abusers faked an illness or a disorder to get away with their abuse. If people just pretend their partners were normal or just say they had a personality disorder or not mention any disorder at all, they will get sympathy and not be re triggered if anyone stands up for their abuser because of a disorder they had.

Now I am asking how do we know they faked it. I understand how it’s so taboo to be abused by someone with a mental illness or a disability because people then dismiss your feelings and treat you as the bad guy and that doesn’t help you at all. It’s invalidating and it’s like your feelings don’t matter.

There was a thread again on narcissisticabuse subreddit on Reddit about someone faking an illness. The thread was titled “NEX faking amnesia” and another person wrote in their reply theirs faked something to get a medical Marijuana card and another person wrote theirs faked suicide attempts and I wrote I am sure mine faked theirs. Then the OP told me her nex faked a head injury to make her feel sorry for him and use it as an excuse to be a horrible person.

Why is it that when someone has a disorder, the victims are expected to be understanding and non affected by their abuse? Even people won’t label that person as an abuser if they have a disorder but ironically on Wrongplanet I have seen members there tell NT users that their “AS” partner is just abusive and that isn’t autism. So at least not all of them stick up for an “aspie.” Even in a aspie Facebook group, back when I still identified Jerry as an aspie, someone posted a question asking if anyone has ever been in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like so I answered and the response I got from someone was I had described an asshole and anyone can be one and it had nothing to do with AS. I was embarrassed and I felt bad and I wasn’t trying to bad talk AS and trying to say it was all aspie behavior. I was just answering a question about being in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like but that was just an example about how taboo it is to be in a toxic relationship with someone with it. It offends people. So when I stopped identifying her as one, I now don’t have to say what being with an aspie was like in a relationship. I now don’t have to say I dated an aspie one time and it was horrible. I don’t have to pretend by staying silent about it. Just as long as she didn’t have it, I am not pretending. I am not being silent. I don’t have to hide. I wouldn’t answer a question to someone if they asked if anyone has ever dated anyone with cerebral palsy because Jerry didn’t have it so I am not being silent about that because she didn’t have it so not answering a question about dating an aspie is the same thing. I solved my own problem. But looking on the bright side, at least I didn’t get accused of being ignorant or a bigot or a hateful person or non understanding. So not all autistic people think someone is non understanding for being in a bad relationship with an aspie.

I had AS and aspie in quotes in this post because usually they are not even diagnosed, just their partner putting that armchair label on them to explain their abusive or asshole or cold behavior.

I have seen a post on Reddit by an abused victim about their parent faking dementia but admitted it’s so hard to tell if it’s real or an act. The mother was in her early 60’s. So this is a trend I have been noticing about victims saying their abuser is faking a condition. So I tried asking on Reddit how can we tell if their condition is real or fake and if are we just saying they are faking it. How do I know Jerry wasn’t faking any of hers? My mom thought she was faking her PTSD and telling me she knew nothing about AS and doesn’t know what it is. I remember her telling me that back in 2007. But yet she didn’t think Jayden was faking anything when we were together and told me he might be a schizophrenic or might be mentally ill and I didn’t believe her then because it was just her opinion and she wasn’t a psychiatrist. But it turns out she was right and she told me “I told you he was ill” when I showed her the online court document about his parents divorce and it mentioned him being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and his mother helps him with daily assistance. But she still thinks he was an asshole and reminded me anyone can be an asshole. So at least my mom doesn’t undiagnose everyone if they are abusive because she didn’t say our former dog’s owner was faking being senile and reminded me anyone can be abusive. She also didn’t say Jayden was faking having ADHD because she told me he had more going on than ADHD.

Friday, November 4th, 2016


Watching that episode last night, it got very clear she was mentally ill and she wasn’t some pathological liar and an attention seeker. She really did believe she was pregnant and she even had a belly but it looked like a fat belly but yet in the videos they showed she truly looked pregnant. She even felt the symptoms so I figured she had a phantom pregnancy. But I didn’t like how her mother and sister treated her. I thought they were heartless and had no understanding of mental illnesses and the mother didn’t even try to help her daughter but kicked her out instead. They kept calling her a liar and to me lying implies done with intention, deliberate deceit and a schizophrenic isn’t lying. They really do believe in their delusions and they are real to them. Also she thinks Eminen is her father.

But at least she did know she had problems like she thought she had paranoid schizophrenia and was diagnosed but her mom said she diagnosed herself with it. No a doctor said she had it but according to Dr. Phil, it was never written down but in the second part of the show, they showed a paper where it was mentioned. But it showed her other diagnoses like OCD, ODD, hallucinations, Bipolar. But yet she still believed she was pregnant and was the daughter of Eminen. Also she contradicted herself and would forget what she would say so it didn’t surprise me on Facebook when some people thought she was faking it. Same as when she would takes pauses. Jayden contradicted himself too so I also thought he was a liar. He told me how he would need to be shown everyday 30 days straight how to do something at work or else they would have to start over from scratch but a year later he denied he even said he had that problem and said he doesn’t need a job coach and he can get a job fine. That was because he was also a schizophrenic. They rewrite their history due to their delusions. My aunt rewrites history because of her own delusions and they change all the time. But the girl on the show contradicted herself in one setting, not a few days later or later in the day or a year later. But my aunt does it too in one setting according to my mother’s stories when she told me about seeing her sister and she forgets about her delusion when it changes. So I do think this girl is for real and she truly has problems. But I didn’t like how her mother and sister treated her and how they kept calling her a pathological liar, especially when they said she diagnosed herself. How do they explain her other diagnoses she has? The family kept acting like she is normal instead of ill so they kicked her out instead of trying to get her help. Even she knew she had problems but didn’t know where to get help and how to get it so she was sleeping from one couch to another couch and doing drugs and sleeping with guys for money to survive and she wanted to change it and get help and get on medication to be “normal” so Dr. Phil was going to help her with that. So her mom did get her help after all by going on the show but it was for another reason.

But I wonder what happened when nine days passed and her baby didn’t come?

The time I thought my mom was closed minded

Thursday, September 8th, 2016

about guys I was dating.

Disclaimer: dislike and not like are not the same thing.

When I first met Jayden, my mom didn’t seem to take a lot of like to him. he was nice and sweet and he even organized the pantry above the oven where my parents kept their cookie sheets and pie pans. He did talk about his school life and how incompetent his school was with special ed kids. He also had troubles with school work too like me but he didn’t have an aide like me. I didn’t like how my mom was critical about it. She told me he wasn’t very smart and said it was because he barely graduated. I told her it was because he didn’t have an aide like I did and they didn’t give him the help he needed. I told her I also wouldn’t have graduated if I didn’t get the help I needed.

She had other criticism about him and I said kids also thought I was weird and other people might think the same of me because I am also different and parents also didn’t want their kids playing with me and I have been banned from homes as a child just because I didn’t know the rules in their home and didn’t know how to act. Also another reason for her not liking him is because he had a history of being violent. I had to remind her I was also violent too as a child so how would she like it if another parent told their son I could be violent with him in the future because of my past? Also another reason was his memory problem and I thought she was being closed minded about it. Memory problems, big deal, I will just deal with it and help him with it. My mother refused to believe Ritalin did this and said it doesn’t work that way. Also the fact he didn’t have a job but that was because he didn’t have anyone to help him so I was helping him.

But then at the end it turned out their judgments about him were correct. He really was a jerk (I thought then) and I realize now he truly did have too many problems and he wasn’t just someone who was lazy and mooching off me and messing with my head and being manipulative. He did apologize deeply for hurting me and he called himself a screw up. But back then I had a hard time accepting his apology because I was confused. He was contradicting himself and that left me confused. I didn’t understand what his apology meant. Now I know it was because he had a undiagnosed mental illness and my mom was right about him. She knew he had more going on that what I thought. I just assumed he lacked motivation and needed help to succeed just like me, I assumed he had a learning disability like me, I assumed he needed explicit instructions so I was giving them to him. You could say I saw him as “normal” who was just different and had a learning disability and ADHD. I saw him as functional. My mom still says he was a jerk because anyone can be one. I am sure he had some flaws that were bad that had nothing to do with his illness such as being too into being true to himself.

Then I met Jerry and my parents also didn’t take a like to him (she was a he then so I am referring to her as a he in this post) but they kept it hidden from me because I was defensive the first time about Jayden. I remember I kept correcting them about him. They kept insisting he was trying to not let me talk to them but I said he was no because he isn’t stopping me from calling them. I also told them he is just too worried about what people are going to think of him and me not presenting the situation correctly and he doesn’t want them to get the wrong idea. But they saw this as all controlling. They were also critical of him and my mom told me afterwards she was so worried I was being abused. Not understanding abuse at the time I told her he had never abused me. He had never hit me or called me names or broken anything. I also remember telling my mother about how poor my self help skills were and how low functioning I am and my mom told me the whole meaning of having good self help skills is acknowledging you need help and getting it than trying to do it yourself. She told me it was not very good self help skills to not ask for help and trying to do it all on your own and figure it out on your own. My mom also insisted he was after my money and they said other things about him I thought were untrue because they were reading it all wrong. I then thought no matter what guy I date, they will always find something wrong with them. Everyone had flaws and problems and I had my own so how would they have liked it if someone’s mother told their son to stay away from me. Now I realize my parents judgments were right about him.

I didn’t learn my lesson at all from these two because when I met my husband I was worried about what my parents would think of him. He was also in special ed, he was also a loner, he was ignored and then teased. He had been held back three times (his mother says two) and he had three different learning disabilities and brain damage. He didn’t drive. He didn’t have a college degree and he never finished high school because he got too old to attend. But he was a sweet and understanding guy and he worked hard to not be limited by his birth defect in his ankles. He didn’t let pain stop him. He took public transport despite having poor sense of direction and always getting lost easily and turned around. I was impressed. I always like people with disabilities who try to find a way to live a normal life and find their ways around their limitations. I have also always tried to live a normal life I can and work my way through my difficulties. I could never understand how others can’t do it or why they would refuse to learn or try. But after what happened to my husband in 2012, it has changed his perspective about people with disabilities. He had realized the reason why he was having so many seizures was because his body was going through a breakdown because he was making his body do stuff his body isn’t meant to do and it couldn’t handle it anymore so it started to break down. His body couldn’t handle the pain anymore so he got more anxiety from it and then it was giving him seizures because of the pain. It was all a domino affect. Now I had learned something too. If there were a job out there he can do, he would do it but he has all these limitations. Can’t get a job that involves counting or he will make too many mistakes, can’t get a job that involves writing because he has difficulty in spelling and reading, he can’t get a job that makes him work on his feet because his body can’t handle it and he isn’t supposed to be on them for no more than two hours a day. So what job out there can he do that doesn’t require reading, counting, math, and movement?

I realize now my parents were only looking out for me so they didn’t want me to date anyone who had too many problems and they could tell Jerry and Jayden had too many of them. They knew it would be too stressful for me and the fact I am sensitive and it would have destroyed me being with those guys. But yet they were fine with me dating my husband go figure. Maybe because he doesn’t have that many problems.

How can one tell if someone’s problems is due to problems than just personality? How can you tell if someone has a mental illness? Surely not every rude person out there has a disorder or a narrow minded person or someone who is extremely judgmental and critical of everything, same as if they do abuse. Plus plenty of people have strange thoughts so how can one tell if they have a mental illness or just have that weird opinion? And lot of people are paranoid so does that mean they have some mental illness? So how can you tell if someone had a condition or not based on these behaviors? Some people even have depression so how can one tell if it’s just depression or clinical depression or a illness stemming from a serious disorder?

I don’t know how much of Jerry’s thoughts were due to her illnesses, that is if she is telling the truth. But I can never tell because everything is normal to me. For years I just thought medical labels were created for a list of behaviors we all do and doctors like to give out a label for it to anyone. People had personality disorders because they did behaviors people found annoying and found them difficult to be with, people had Asperger’s because of too many narrow minded people who didn’t like someone who is different and strange and weird and because they didn’t know the social rules and didn’t know how to act in a situation and people refuse to tell them how to do it and because they did routines and didn’t like change and because they had special interests and did behaviors like fiddling with objects or playing with their fingers or doing rocking and because they didn’t look people in the eye and didn’t know about reading body language. I thought anything that wasn’t considered normal doctors made it into a condition. Want to get your way and don’t like not getting your way, just be an asshole by threatening your mother and breaking things and making her afraid of you so you get it, oh you have ODD so here is your label. People were psychopaths because they didn’t care about people and they did cruel things and killed people. I thought this way about mental illnesses until my twenties. This is all still very confusing for me.


A discovery about Jayden

Saturday, August 20th, 2016

On Reddit someone asked what happened to the person who took your virginity. Last time I saw my ex online, he was living in Bigfork, Montana and last time I looked his mother up, she was divorced and working as an artist. I decided to try googling his name to see if I find anything. I narrowed the search to his name and town name and I found a court document about his parents. Why was it even online is beyond me. So I read it and it was about their divorce and saying when they married and separated and they never had kids together, the husband had two from previous marriage and the mother only had Jayden who was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and lives in a one bedroom apartment and his mom helps him with daily assistance.

My mom had been right about him possibly being a schizophrenic and I had started to wonder years later if he was somewhere on that spectrum. I also thought he might have been borderline retarded and wondering if he was some sort of sociopath since he was a user and a bum. So I looked up paranoid schizophrenia to read more about it to see how much of him was the illness or just him and it’s hard to say. I do wonder though.

It said they lack interest in daily living, my ex stopped showering and brushing his teeth and was always on the computer and never got off.

He had no interest in working and wanted everything handed to him and he believed the government owned everything and could just take it from you and the government paid people to assassinate someone if they knew something they didn’t want them to know about. I knew then his thinking was weird and I didn’t like how he would get an idea in his head and believe it without finding any proof first. He had some bizarre thoughts.

My mom thinks he didn’t know how to interact with people even though me and him always talked and we also argued a lot too and we did go out and do stuff together.

He claimed he didn’t know the months in order and his seven days of the week and he said to remember how to do things, he has to do it over and over none stop and he told me he wouldn’t be able to remember how to get to McDonalds so I would still have to take him to work anyway even if he had his license. Then he changed his story to he can remember everything fine and won’t need a job coach for employment. He even denied telling me he has to do something over and over everyday for him to remember for 30 days straight.

He was naive so his cousin ripped him off and one of his friends. They stole from him and they said his games and computer were stolen from them but I think that’s a lie. I think they stole it themselves and pawned them off and his cousin really did pawn off his video games because they were in the computer system in the game store at the mall when we talked to the cashier while I was purchasing something. But my bullshit meter went off when Jayden told me his friends said his PC was stolen out of their apartment. I found it unlikely someone would go to their home and take only that and the fact why would they even go to that location just to break into an apartment. They lived in the country so theft is very unlikely.

He also thought I wanted him to cross the highway instead of the street that was between the gas station and supermarket and they were both on the same side of the highway.

He was a pathological liar, made excuses, and would say he did things when he really didn’t.

My mom mentioned he had a creepy look on his face when he would be at their house, it looked like a drug face, the look Dakota Fanning had on her face in Hide and Seek after she had witnessed her mother’s death.

My mother also mentioned the way he used his hands for gesturing was the way he did it she’s seen in people with schizophrenia.

I remember I had to nag him to do things like get ready to leave to see the movie Cars and nag him to get stuff done and he would say this was all retarded. I felt like I was taking care of a teenager and I was the mother nagging nagging nagging.

Perhaps he had gotten worse if his diagnoses is paranoid schizophrenia. I don’t know how much of his behavior was due to his illness when we were together. He came off as a user and someone who was trying to manipulate me and play mind games with me to get his way for his own good. He came off as someone who just didn’t simply want to work so he wanted everything handed to him and didn’t think money should even exist. He was very much of a communist but I knew his ideas wouldn’t work. He came off as someone who always made excuse after excuse blowing me off when I would try and help him and give him advice. He came off as someone who was too into being true into himself it made him an asshole and alienated him from his relatives and other people. He believed he had to change who he was if he had to change anything about himself such as cutting back on the teasing for me or removing his trench coat in 90 degree weather. But I don’t see him as a toxic guy nor as an abuser like I do with Jerry. I was also hurt by Jayden but he didn’t hurt me in the same way as Jerry did.

Well I got my answer for what was wrong with Jayden. Now I wonder if he was below average intelligent or was that also his schizophrenia. Even back then I felt like he often acted like his mind had been fried from weed. My mom felt the same way too about him. Now I know that was probably his mental illness and that is one of the things they rule out first before diagnosing schizophrenia.

But I was surprised with the label because I was expecting he had something lighter on the spectrum. He didn’t come off as he was hallucinating or being delusional and he never talked to himself nor shout out in the open air. He didn’t think people were spying on him nor were after him. He never did any false accusations on me except thinking his parents took all his money and spend it on their land which was Social Security money his mom got for him until he turned 18 because his bio dad killed himself. But like I say, he had probably gotten worse and schizophrenia is something that gets worse. He might have been at his early stages of it and he stopped brushing his teeth and showering when we were together. Then when I saw him in December of 2006 that year after we broke up, his hair was a mess and I could tell he had showered but didn’t brush it after he got out. I thought it was due to laziness. I did try to stay friends with him but it didn’t work out and I was less interested in seeing him and we still talked online and then I didn’t see him online anymore and he took me off his myspace friends because I had changed my name and he didn’t know it was me. I chose to not re add him and he didn’t bother re adding me. We just drifted apart. Then he tried to add me as a friend on Facebook in 2009 but I didn’t accept his request because I didn’t think it would be right to be his friend if I was still saying bad stuff about him because our relationship wasn’t good and he was a crazy ex. There was nothing positive to say about him. Only way to not say bad stuff about him is to pretend I never had a relationship with him and lie to the whole world about how many ex’s I have had pretending he never existed in my life. That means being silenced about my personal experience and what my first ex was like.

I have no idea what he is like today like how functional is he, what does he do now and is he working, does he drive. What things does his mother help him with. Does he still have friends. Is she in charge of his money. But it’s great he has support from his mother even though she isn’t able to work full time because she has to take care of him. Perhaps she can get him a caregiver or ask for help from the state. My mom says he would have destroyed me and I told her about this and she read the court document and she couldn’t believe they had it online for everyone to read. She said to me “Aren’t you glad you aren’t with him, can you imagine, he would have been too much for you to handle.” Even when I was with him, my mental health was going downhill and it was affecting my employment and my functioning and when I realized how much happier I was without him around, I broke up with him and I was seen as the bad guy by some people. They felt threatened when i would tell them the reasons why we broke up because they would ask. This is why people don’t tell you why they break up, they don’t know if you will judge them or not and side against them. Instead they leave their answers vague and don’t give you any detail no matter how much you ask.

When I was with Jerry, my self esteem was going out the window and I was feeling retarded and I was feeling crazy. With Jayden it was zoning out of reality where my co workers had to say my name several times to get my attention and I was finding myself in places and not even remembering why I was there. One time I realized I was in Wal-Mart and I couldn’t even remember how I got there and then I remembered I was there for cat food. I was told this was depression and I was told the loud bass at home was affecting my hearing so I was not hearing people at work when they would give me instructions and say my name. Jayden always had those big speakers connected to his computer so it was lot of bass he had from his game when he would shoot other people in the game. He had it on all day long and never stopped playing until like three in the morning and then he would get up around ten and play it again and repeat.  So with Jayden I was only losing my concentration and focus on life and zoning out and it impacted my work performance but luckily everyone there was patient with me and they knew it was my ex. My boss told me there she knew I would get smart when i told her the boyfriend was gone because I dumped him.

I just couldn’t help him when I tried and he got worse and he was getting worse. I couldn’t be his caregiver 24/7. I remember him telling me I gave up on him. Back then I didn’t know. I just thought he was lazy who didn’t want to help himself and he wanted me to take care of him. Maybe that is what he meant by I gave up on him. I did give up on him. He couldn’t get better and I am not his caregiver. Schizophrenia is something that gets bigger and he wasn’t getting any treatment and not on any medication. He didn’t think he had a problem. I wonder if he is getting any now.