Archive for February, 2016

Thursday, February 25th, 2016

I finally exchanged the games. They didn’t accept refunds but they did exchange so I looked at the video games again and picked Team Umizoomi for Nintendo DS and it was $15 bucks, the same amount for the video games I bought. I also dropped off the book order at my son’s school and handed it to the teacher. I also called All State and it turned out the mail I got was sent by the computer and that had been set up already to be sent out before I cancelled the insurance. They use computers to send out emails instead of people. So everything is good now. My son loves his new game a because he played it.

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Incompetent people

Thursday, February 25th, 2016

My son got another book order this month so I turned it in when school started again after one week’s of vacation. I told the teacher the book order was in the backpack in the back part. I didn’t see it in there when I checked and then yesterday I go pick my son up and we are home and I notice he hands me part of the book order and think it’s was left over from when I had cut the form part off, I put it aside. Then few minutes later, I notice the book order coupon for a free book and then I notice the check, the teacher never took it. Fuck.

I feel upset and pissed and I hope it’s not too late to still turn it in and it was last week I turned it in so I will try and do it today when it’s day time and just go in and give it to the teacher and to make sure she gets it and I hope it’s not too late. The coupon needed to be returned by the 29th if not used so I probably still have time. Now the only worry I have on my mind is forgetting to do it and I want it done NOW because it’s on my mind and I want to get it off my mind. But looking on the bright side, my son won’t even notice but I still can’t get this out of my mind.

And All State is stupid, I cancelled their insurance last week and I got an email from them telling me my payment is due on the 28th and there will be a automatic with drawl. I sent an email to my former agent and I also pa on calling the 1-800 number when it’s day time to complain. Another reason to not do automatic payments. They were ripping me off because they jacked up the car insurance price and I went to State Farm and got $302 for insurance and that is for six months. My dad actually did it for me. He told me I was being ripped off because he doesn’t pay that much for his insurance and it only pays $800 a year. I wish it was illegal to rip people off.

Feeling so dumb

Thursday, February 25th, 2016

I had another incident at work. I was putting compost in the bin and I was taking it out of my trash barrel when the compost fell out of one of the bags because I had it tipped and didn’t even know about it. It was all coffee grounds  and vegetables. I didn’t know what to do about it because I had nothing to clean it up with. I only had my broom and oh no what do I do in this situation. I just left it there and maybe someone else will figure it out or have a dust pan to do it. I just went back to my work and continued with my job. Right after break, one of my co workers asked about the mess on the ground at the loading dock. I said I did it and I had no way of cleaning it up. They said to use a dust pan and I said I didn’t have one and I didn’t know how to clean it up. I decided to try and figure out a way so I find something in the broom closet on the basement floor where I work and I use a water brush to sweep up the compost and I make it in a pile and I move it to the compost bin and leave it there again for later. I put the water brush back and go back to working again. Then soon when I am on the SM floor where our break room is, I needed more trash bags so I go in the storage closet where we keep all the supplies, and I find a dust pan in a barrel so I take it with me and I use it to pick up the dirt in the hallway where I had always left it after sweeping the break room  and I clean and then I finish that floor and I go back up to the loading dock and I was going to clean up the compost but someone had did it.

I feel stupid for not being able to find ways to clean up the mess because of no dust pan but then I think of that post I saw on Reddit in the Asperger’s subreddit. Someone made a post there about not knowing how to open a box without using a knife and that person couldn’t think abstractly and use logic to problem solve to figure out other ways to open that box while I had figured it out when I worked in a hotel because I couldn’t be bothered to find a knife to cut open a box or use scissors so I used a pen or my key.

Adjustment Disorder

Wednesday, February 24th, 2016

I used to this this was another BS condition I had but I am realizing it’s a real thing I may have because I can never handle stress well and my coping skills are poor and it turns me into a different person.

I wrote here why I don’t own a gun. It’s also because I am afraid I will get impulsive if I have my moment again and go in a state of mind where I feel so suicidal due to too much stress and so much anxiety, I might just kill my family and then regret it. A gun is quicker to use and kill with. No one has a chance to defend themselves when you have a gun. So I am being smart and responsible by deciding to not ever have one and if it makes me selfish because I think my safety is more important than others having a gun in my home, so be it. I have no issues with gun control laws either. Some people just don’t have the common sense to not own one because of their state of mind and their own limitations and some just can’t handle owning one. I don’t think I would be able to handle it so I fear touching one and having one in my home. I would rather just not have one.

I have also blogged about our dog about my anxiety and my OCD and if psychopathy can come and go. I also blogged about my OCD about a clean house.

When I was 18, my mom was signing me up for Social Security so she kept me home from school that day for a phone interview and she helped me with the questions. She told them I was seeing a therapist for adjustment disorder. Back then I had no idea what that was so I figured it was another name for a component for Asperger’s. It must mean difficulty with adjusting to change. For a while I just thought it was a BS condition and then I thought it was a fancy label my mom had given me but after a thread I posted online about this:

http://katu.com/news/local/da-mom-planned-sons-death-before-throwing-him-off-the-yaquina-bay-bridge

While I have felt suicidal and felt like I wanted to kill my family and myself, the difference is I didn’t make any plans for it because I didn’t want to do it. The mom planned to kill her son and she was faking her symptoms of her illness because she was doing research about it and reading about Andrea Yates and her illness and looking up insanity defenses. But people in the ASD community  knew she was just selfish and faking it and having excuses and they were right so I posted the thread. I am someone who always gives people the benefit of the doubt until it’s proven they were cold hearted and selfish killers and they had no problems when they did the crime and there has to be proof they are faking their misery and distress and their mental problems and faking their anxiety and their depression and the fact they couldn’t cope anymore so they snapped and now they regret what they did. This is always my biggest fear in life for if I were in that situation. But most people will judge right away and think of the worst while I don’t think of the worst and I always think of stress and want more details to the story before I judge because of my own personal experience and the fact I know my limitations and what stress can do to me so why would I want to judge others for it?

It’s always difficult reading these comments because that could have been me and I know those comments wouldn’t even help me and it would have made things worse for me. All I can do is be happy I am not in that person’s shoes and be glad I am not in that situation but yet it would be very hypocritical of me to go and judge other moms who kill their kids. And there are situations where I am speechless about and don’t know what to think.

Christina Riggs for example suffered severe depression so she wanted to kill herself, she killed her kids because she didn’t want them to live apart (they had different fathers) and she attempted to kill herself but survived. I don’t know what to think of this. Did she try and seek help? Was it selfish? Did she regret what she did? Was she faking it? The only thing I think of this whole thing is capital punishment was a joke because she is suicidal, she wants to die so how is killing her even a punishment? Wouldn’t it be more logical to just lock her up for life and have her live for the rest of her life for what she did and always remember how she killed her babies and regret what she did? Isn’t this more of a punishment than the other? She would have to live with it for the rest of her life. So she basically committed suicide by capital punishment which is what I think she did. She wouldn’t allow her lawyers to bring up her suicidal thoughts and depression in the trial.

And men that have shot their spouses and then themselves, I can’t even. I don’t know what to think of this, was it selfish? Was it cold hearted murder? They had killed themselves so what do I think of them? Would it be more logical to just kill them and then try and cover their tracks to try and make it look like an accident or a suicide or something. Did they regret what they did so much they also had to put a bullet to their head because they didn’t want to live with it for the rest of their lives?

I even wanted to kill our puppy when I was 16 and the only thing that held me back was fearing of being sent away. I am glad I didn’t do that plan. It was a compulsion I had in my mind and an unwanted though and it wasn’t something I wanted and I didn’t like what I was going through. But I think it might have eventually happened because I would have reached my breaking point and just do it when no one is around and it would have been spontaneous because I wouldn’t have woken up one day deciding “Today this will be the day I will kill Squeaky and the my life will be all better again and peaceful.” I am sure I would have regretted it if I did it. Plus when I was alone with him in the house, I either kept him outside or in his crate. I had control of the environment then because I was doing what worked for me even though the rest of my family disagreed and that is when I had problems.

But to put it in a different perspective, maybe I was selfish because I didn’t want to give up my precious time for video games to train the animal myself since no one was willing to do it even though I wasn’t the one who decided to have a new dog. I could have watched him like a hawk to stop him from doing anything wrong. I could have kept the crate with me with the dog in it so my family couldn’t let him out. That is the way you are supposed to house train dogs. I am sure he would have eventually figured out he was supposed to go outside. When a person told me online I was selfish because I thought my own unhappiness was more important that my family and their dog, it really hurt because I felt she was dismissing my feelings and what I was going through and that it was all my fault that I can’t handle my anxiety better and my feelings and the stress and I am just so weak and I should have tried harder and not have meltdowns so I wasn’t making my own family miserable. But the truth was it was more than unhappiness I was going through. I think there is a big difference between being unhappy just because you don’t like how things are going or because you can’t do something vs having distress and changing as a person and not being able to function because of the anxiety and stress.

To this day it still hurts if my mother said I only wanted my way then because it feels like she didn’t really understand what I was going through and the pain I was having and the nightmares I had to have at night and the compulsions about killing the pet. I even wanted to move out and she acted like then I was having a tantrum and wanted my way so of course I would act out more because of the misunderstanding and I wasn’t able to put into words how I was feeling. If I tried to express it, it came out as me me me instead of what I was going through and the pain I was having. I was even threatening suicide to my whole family because it was too much and I couldn’t live with it. I suffered. I had the misery. Does she really think I wanted to be this way?

Should I have tried harder at holding everything in and try to not let it all out? To this day I try and avoid this topic because my old feelings are still there and they will just come back like they are still here and like the situation was still recent. I do wish I knew other options as a 16 year old and no one bothered to tell me how I could handle it and what I could have done instead instead of just saying “There were other options you could have done” and I would always ask ‘Like what?’ and they wouldn’t tell me. What the heck?

How do I deal with stress, I try and avoid it. I try and find solutions for it before it gets way too out of hand. But what happens when it’s beyond your control? I’m fucked.

I understand people out there who kill their kids because they couldn’t handle stress in their lives and the stress of caring for their disabled child or their normal kids because I have been there. I have a hard time judging them if I know I am the one that could have been me if I were in that situation. I have been there before with our dog and with my husband and having a one year old son but the difference is I didn’t go with the plan and I had help. Do I think those moms should try and seek help if they are feeling like doing a double murder and suicide? Absolutely. You don’t want to harm your partner or your children or anyone else. If you are fearing you are heading that way and getting closer to it and you find yourself starting to plan it, call social services or your family or something.

Now what would have happened if I did threaten my whole family I will kill the dog or abuse him if he keeps peeing in the house? I am sure they would have stepped in and help and maybe train the dog better and watch him more. Why didn’t I do the threat? Because I feared being hospitalized. The threat actually worked so it kept me from trying to get more help for myself from my family so I suffered even more and they had even more misery from me. So things maybe would have been better if I did threaten to harm the dog. In a way I would have been asking for help. But if it was seen as me throwing a tantrum and being manipulative, that also wouldn’t have helped with the situation. It would have been dismissing my feelings and what I was going through. Even telling me I just wanted my way then is still dismissing how I felt and the pain I was going through. It’s trivializing my experience. But instead I was emotionally abandoned and treated like I was selfish and trying to get my way and it never made the situation better or myself better.

My mom claims she understands now but I doubt it.

 

 

My Moment

Sunday, February 21st, 2016

This weekend my mother and I planned to give my children their own bedroom so we were going to start with the Christmas stuff we still have in my husband’s bedroom. I took the tree down but didn’t know how to pack the ornaments because they came in different boxes and when I lived on my own, I kept my ornaments in certain boxes and that got messed up when we and my parents moved in together and then things got mixed up and when we took the Christmas stuff down on the main floor, they got packed away and my Christmas stuff was still up so that threw me off. So it’s been sitting in the basement ever since and we needed to get that out of the way before we started. So we decided we would start on Saturday. I looked forward to that day and that day came and we were going to wait until my husband was up and mu parents made plans and it was only early in the day so they had time and I figured they would be back because they were only going to the falls. That wouldn’t take long.

So they are gone and noon comes and I still wait and do my day and then two o clock comes and I start to get anxious. I call my parents to see where they are and when they will be home. I keep trying to get a hold of them and I finally do and my dad answers but it’s bad reception. He said they were in a town nearby now far from where we live and they were looking around. I saw they had done other things than just the falls so they had been done. I ask my dad when they will be home and he said he would talk to my mother and call me back.

I get even more anxious and I start to feel to meltdown so I get anxiety and then I blow up and start panicking and quit caring about my Christmas stuff. I just pick everything up and put it all in the garage and my husband puts the Christmas tree storage bag in the garage and I am flipping out and very irritable and I can’t calm down so I hide in my room and cry and I am breathing hard. I don’t want to be bothered, no hugs or consoling.

Then my parents come home and I don’t feel like going with the plan and my husband tells them I am very upset and my mom gets mad at me and starts telling me she said they would be home early noon and she won’t be a hostage in her own home because my husband is sleeping. I feel even worse and scream at her to get out.  I hated myself and wondered why couldn’t I even remember right. I over hear my dad say I will get over it and I just stay in my room alone and I start to calm down a few minutes later and do my computer again. Then my mom comes back apologizing for our miscommunication and told me she did the Christmas stuff and she doesn’t think the ornaments will break because there are lot of soft ornaments around them giving them cushioning. Then she asked me if I still wanted to do the rooms and I said yes and we work on my husband’s room and moving my bed down here.

I felt embarrassed about my episode and I hate it when I get that way.

 

Autism/Asperger’s is there a connection to abuse

Monday, February 15th, 2016

Domestic Abuse, Asperger’s and Autism – is there a connection?

Not really a bad discussion IMO. These women talk about what part is the Asperger’s and what part is just abuse and not Asperger’s. They are trying to separate their partner’s condition from their behavior than trying to blame the abuse on their Asperger’s.

I have wondered for the past year or more if abuse can be attributed from the Asperger’s. What I mean is a person with it doesn’t understand different perspectives and have a hard time understanding feelings so they could act cold towards their partner and be insensitive and not understand and not understand why their partner is upset or hurt or why they can’t take a joke. One NT member has written on Wrongplanet several times that her aspie husband (then undiagnosed) had beaten her during his meltdown and cops were called. How many times have I heard stories about autistic children being violent so they break stuff, hit others while having a meltdown so why would this be any different in adults? One mom wrote in her comments in that blog about her ASD son being willing to learn so that is the difference.

I think in NT/AS relationships, while AS is an explanation, it’s not a get out of free jail card for this behavior. Let’s say an aspie likes to joke around and be funny, the partner gets upset while he is joking while she is having a serious discussion so she tells him “I don’t like it when you make jokes and joke around and tease when I am having a serious discussion because it makes me feel you are disrespecting me and not taking me seriously and it really hurts my feelings” and the aspie can just apologize and try and not do it again whenever his wife is having a serious discussion and when she tells him to stop, he stops, not just keep on doing it. Or let’s say the aspie has a meltdown, he can remove himself from the room and not use his partner as a punching bag.

I think it comes down to personality and a learning attitude. AS children who have a learning attitude can be taught and learn well when given the tools to learn and AS adults can learn too but it might be harder for them if they were never taught because AS wasn’t known when they were children so they might not have been given the tools. But they would also need to have a learning attitude and be willing to change and not stuck in their ways.

Let’s say Jerry really did have Asperger’s. He was not willing to learn which is the difference. He was too stuck in his ways and seemed to be proud in his black and white thinking and it was obvious to me then he had no intention of learning and to change despite him saying how he wanted to be normal but yet he wasn’t doing anything about it. But I never said it was the Asperger’s that was the problem, it was him being a bigot and making too many assumptions without getting any facts first and he was very judgmental and worried too much what people thought of him  and he was very closed minded and didn’t care to be educated. That was what killed our relationship. Then I find out he was possibly a covert narcissist because of the crap he did that fit it.

Let’s also say Jayden had it too, he would joke and tease with me and I told him how it made me feel and he didn’t stop. What if his AS kept him from understanding my feelings and how it made me feel so he didn’t stop because he couldn’t understand? Instead of just accepting that it bothers me and quitting it with me, he continued doing it to me expecting me to get used to it because it was “who he is.” What of my mom was right that he also got stuck in his ways and he gets an idea in his head and it’s hard to change it as someone mentioned in her comment in the blog. Also he didn’t want to work and he would spend all his time playing online and he only wanted to spend money on what he wanted than on stuff like food or things he needs and on bills. He would rather spend it on his interest. What if that was his AS too? I knew of one other aspie who would save his money to buy fire agates and he would even go hungry if he had to to buy one because it was his interest and isn’t it in the criteria about it being an impairment and a special interest only becomes a symptom of AS if it causes an impairment so if someone has to starve themselves or neglect their needs or go with out heat or electricity just so they can spend money on their interests or because they don’t want to work can probably count towards the label and every aspie is different. I have even read how some will neglect their families to be with their interests and some will not do their homework and John Robison wrote in is book “Raising Cubby” how his son would not eat at the table because he wanted to be with his interests. I will forget about my children and block the world out with my interest which is being on the computer and reading stuff and writing. I do feel bad about it every time and it’s hard to get away from it so it always feels good when I am away from it because I am out of the house or I go on vacation and I would rather do things on a trip than be stuck in a condo or hotel room because what is the purpose of going on a trip if you don’t want to explore? To me going to some resort and spending all your time at a pool sunbathing and reading and resting and you never leave the resort is not a good vacation but this is how some people do their vacations.  I would be looking at brochures and maps to see what is there to do and start making plans. But just because we all have AS doesn’t give us a get out of free jail card to be lazy and neglect our kids or our partners and our responsibilities, instead we can find a time to do our interests, set a timer perhaps and when it goes off, it means it’s time to put it to rest, find balance and just remember our interest isn’t going anywhere, it will still be there when we go back to it. I have seen aspies say online how they don’t want to work because they want to be with their interest and to me this is just being lazy because part of being an adult is to work and not working just because your special interest is more important is not an inability to work.  One aspie told me in the group that he feels you are just wasting your time so I told him working is part of life unless you can afford to work part time and still support yourself without any help from the system and if you have lot of money and you don’t have to work at all like rich people. This is just another example of it being an impairment.

If a partner felt they were being ignored by their AS partner because they were spending more time with their interests and their money on it instead of on them, talk to them about it and the AS partner should try and make an effort to be with them more and try and spend some money on their partner like take them out, buy them something, but don’t ask them to get rid of their interests and still let them spend time with them, just help them find a balance and the AS partner would have to be willing to make the effort to try. It’s called a learning attitude.

Also what I wrote before how my mother told me if she told me at 13 I had lost her trust, it wouldn’t have worked because I wouldn’t have cared and just thought it was her problem and she needed to figure it out. This made me feel like a psychopath because they also don’t care about others but my mom told me no I was just trying to figure out the rules and I didn’t understand feelings or how she felt. So just imagine an aspie acting this way in relationships, wouldn’t the partner feel abused? Their partner doesn’t care about them because they don’t understand how they feel.

I remember one NT writing about her aspie how she was sick and her aspie had to head out and he was supposed to pick something up for her but he had forgotten and it was something she needed to get better but he got upset and refused to do it when he got back because it would have broken his routine.

I could remember in my autism group when one aspie said how he got upset when his wife got sick because they were supposed to be going somewhere together and Roger Meyer told him “Now hold it, you are an adult here so you should be handling this maturely. If you were a child, it would be understandable because children don’t understand.” I stepped in and said “I am sure he wasn’t mad at his wife and he was only mad about the plans had changed because it wasn’t her fault she got sick” and he said “But he an adult here, things will happen and won’t always go as planned, what can he do when he makes plans and then it has to change.” I then said “come up with another plan for in case something happens for back up” and he told me that is a good idea and he told the other guy he should always do plan B for in case plan A doesn’t happen.

Now I don’t know if this guy in the group treated his wife wrong or acted mad towards her making her feel bad about herself just because she got sick and refusing to talk to her but even though he had AS, he could come up with other alternate plans for in case something happens that changes the plan so he is mentally prepared. That can be done in AS/NT relationships. Like I say, it’s not a get out of free jail card. After all we are adults so we should be aware that shit happens in life that is beyond our control and it’s not the person’s fault. It’s more understandable when an autistic child behaves that way because they’re children, they don’t understand just like NT children don’t understand so they also get upset with broken promises so the parent has to be careful what they say. My mom used to tell my brothers and I as children we will do this if the weather is nice or she would say she will see and say we will do it if the weather is nice or if nothing else is going on and if there is no other plans.

I remember when I got very tired, Jerry still made me come to work with him to put ads together. Why? because he said I had told him I would do it. But what if I had gotten the flu or gotten a bad headache or an upset stomach or constipation where I had abdominal cramps or what if I had fallen and sprained my ankle so I could barely walk? Shit does happen so would he have still made me come? He was an adult so he should have known these things and understood than be stuck on “But you said you would do this” like a child would. But I have to ask myself if this was Asperger’s or just him being an asshole and being a narcissistic? After all they are like giant children and I felt he was a giant kid with Asperger’s because he seemed to have childhood AS, not adult AS. He did things I would expect in an aspie child because they don’t know any better and they mature as they get older so their traits change. Lot of adult aspies can even pass the Sally Anne test because our brains have matured and we think more logically so we know there is no way Sally would know Anne had placed her ball in the basket if she wasn’t in the room. This is why we argue about this test and say how stupid it is and inaccurate about testing TOM. I even passed this at 15 when I saw it in a Newsweek magazine when they did an article about autism. I have seen other arguments about this test like how do they know Sally didn’t see Anne move the ball? Maybe Sally did see her move it when Anne didn’t think she was looking. I saw this was also saw this test was also testing different perspectives unintentionally and doctors would just assume the person has no TOM.

Just recently I have supposed to come to the basement to my husband after the kids are asleep but I would either forget or get too tired and I would end up going to sleep. Now what if he had gotten mad at me for not coming down like I said I would because he wanted me to? What if he had made me come down anyway despite that I was falling a sleep and I was very tired because my body was sick and just was making me get knocked out every night because I was so tired. What if he was Jerry? He might have made me come down anyway and not care if I was very tired and felt I was knocked out under anesthesia because I told him I would do it. Now would this be due to the Asperger’s or is he just being a jerk?

These women in their comments are trying to separate when to blame it on Asperger’s and where to draw the line for that this is just them being abusive and to stop blaming the condition for their behavior.

Just a reminder than anyone can be an abuser no matter of what condition they have or if they are NT and no matter what race they are or nationality or religion or background they have. But the dilemma people may face is where to draw the line for what is abuse and what is Asperger’s and when do you stop having sympathy for them and when are you the victim. Would it make you intolerant if you left them because you were unhappy and had depression or were stressed out and having anxiety or because you were dealing with low self esteem due to your partner’s criticism? Just when are your feelings right and not wrong? Are you a victim or just not understanding? Are you expecting too much from your partner? How much can you put up with from your partner and where do you draw the line for their behavior? When do you need to toughen and get over it? When is it okay to leave them? There will always be a possibility people will see you as a narcissistic and as an ignorant and un understanding person or think of you as being negative about aspies in general when you talk about your abusive partner who happened to have Asperger’s so it’s best to not mention their condition at all when you talk about it.

So when AS/NT relationships fail, is it because of Asperger’s or because of their personality and lack of learning attitude? What if they had BPD or narcissism or Bipolar, etc. Would it be due to that illness or just a lack of learning attitude and their personality or lack of self awareness? But is it possibly that their illness attributed to the abuse and to the break up? That is what I had been thinking about Asperger’s too and it’s just politically incorrect to even mention it. After all no one wants to be labeled as an abuser and have everyone thinking all aspies are abusers and that we will emotionally neglect you because of lack of TOM and troubles with understanding feelings and our lack of social cues and because of our rigid thinking and black and white thinking and having routines and not liking change and being mind blind. It’s bad enough personality disorders have been stigmatized so we don’t want autism to have that same stigma. I am still not comfortable when crime gets connected to Asperger’s because I don’t want everyone thinking we will commit crimes do to our special interests or because we have meltdowns so we will attack you.

 

 

My bad habit of assuming the kid is bad

Monday, February 15th, 2016

Again on a forum, someone posted about their kid being violent with her who is almost 17. She has threatened to kill her, bullies her, attacks her, etc. Other members in that thread were telling her to drop her off at a shelter when she is 18 and another person told her to call social services and I said the same thing and then mentioned to threatened to send her off to a mental hospital if she hurts them again and that might just fix her.

There were some responses questioning the mother and someone on that forum found that one part of my response disturbing about sending off a underage child and she said there might be more to the story than what the mother is telling.

I understand why people would want to give a kid the benefit of the doubt when the parent says how abusive they are. Kids are innocent, they are not supposed to be violent and mean and have bad intentions. That is what we all want to believe despite the school shootings, the bullying, bullycide, kids killing their parents. But there is Henry Evans and Rhoda Penmark in the movies The Good Son and The Bad Seed and they are fiction but they are still a thriller because these were children who were supposed to be innocent but were capable of doing adult crimes and having no remorse and they were very manipulative and even experts have used them as examples about if one can be born evil or not. But it must he hard for lot of people to imagine there might actually be a Henry Evans and a Rhoda Penmark. Also being abused by your child is a terrible thing to go through so why would anyone want to think that could actually be true?

But I do admit I do have a habit of always assuming the kid is evil and bad and is very sick whenever a parent talks about how violent they are. I don’t even think about it could be retaliation abuse or the parents had screwed them up somehow while raising them, or that the parents are abusive so the kid is acting that way in return, especially if they are selective about their victims but then again real abusers are selective to their victims. They will be nice to everyone but treat their partner terribly and certain people.

Are there kids out there who are truly evil? Or are they just created somehow?

If you don’t allow your baby to bond, if you neglect them and don’t give them love, if you always spoil your child and let them have their way, don’t ever discipline them or give them limits or if you are too rigid and too strict, if you are abusive duh, don’t give your kid enough attention, you could end up with a out of control child and an abuser. Sometimes I worry about my kids going violent on me because what if I screw up as a parent and it leads them to aggression in the future. So I can understand why a parent might blame themselves when their child is that way because they don’t know what they did wrong and are wondering what could have gone wrong when they were younger. I used to blame Frankie’s mother on his ODD because I thought if she wouldn’t just given into him when he was younger and if she would have just punished him whenever he was mean to her and showed her disrespect, he wouldn’t have grown to be violent and an abuser and now she was afraid of him so she always gave into him and let him have his way. He had learned that habit and now it was too late because he was getting stronger and was up to her chest. It all starts when they are young but apparently ODD doesn’t work that way so I might have judged her too harshly. It’s actually apparent in a child young as three and the parent might think it’s the terrible twos but most kids grow out of it but ODD kids don’t so the parent knows something is wrong and consequences do not work with them. They don’t like authority, they don’t like being told what to do. When my son went through his terrible twos I used to be frightened because I worried I was going to have this child and start being abused by them but my husband had to keep reassuring me it was just normal behavior at that age and he will grow out of it. He told me this was just the terrible twos and he was right, it did get better. If it was ODD, surely he would have gotten worse.

Also I found out it’s rare for a kid to be this bad so those families that appear in the media make it look common. of my times I have been in special ed, we only had one boy who was a liar so he would get us into trouble with his lies, and pinched and hit other kids and called us names, and he only threw chairs once in class and then there was Frankie. The rest were never abusive. My husband encountered no violent special needs kids so he told me this was all rare. But I will randomly keep seeing stories online written by parents who are being abused by their child. It’s a possibility they could be written by trolls, they could be written by narcissists who abuse their children and are playing the victim, but what if you are the parent being abused by your child? I wouldn’t appreciate being treated as the bad guy and being accused of doing child abuse and having it all be blamed on me and I get no advice so any of these stories could be legitimate and we don’t know which story isn’t the truth or which story is the truth so how do we know if we are helping the right person instead of helping them harm their child more because we had been fooled into thinking their kid was just mean and evil and needs mental help? But then again if we ignored all these parents, then the parents who are actually being abused by their children wouldn’t get help at all and what good would that do for them?

There are forums out there for parents of kids with RAD or with conduct disorders and ODD. I don’t go to those places because I don’t like to hear about families being abused by kids and those will be too triggering for me and those parents are just there to get advice and support about how to handle their situation and how to help their children. I just keep my head in the sand because I am not going to those forums to read them. it’s not that I am pretending those things are not happening in families, I just don’t want to get all upset and feel angry and get mad about all the judgment these parents might be facing from other people because of their children and having it all be blamed on them or hearing the damage the kid has done to their families. I read on Reddit about a 12 year old girl lying about the abuse and getting her parents into trouble and the girl got diagnosed with ODD all because she didn’t get her way about something. I don’t even remember the details and I think I might have posted about it here already but I am not going to dig for it again. But that story made me mad for the father and I would have cancelled Christmas on her as other posters suggested but they got mad at the father for still giving her a Christmas.

 

 

It’s become 1984

Saturday, February 13th, 2016

In George’s Orwell book, there were cameras everywhere for Winston monitoring his every move. I don’t know the story line but I have seen parts of the movie and they were living like it was the 40’s because that was when the book was written. But I see it has happened already as George Orwell predicted. We have security cameras so it’s easier to catch thieves and vandals, and other criminals, we have internet so work places use them to monitor what you do online and what you do in your personal time and even co workers and other people will report to your work about what you posted online. You can even get suspended or expelled from school for stuff you do in your spare time online. Even things you put online can be taken out of context. One time I read on Reddit by someone that she was at work and it was a nice day outside and she wrote on her phone during break time “I can’t wait to get off work to enjoy the nice weather” and her boss called her into the office and asked if she was happy working with them. Luckily she was let off with a warning. Okay, you can say this to someone at work with your mouth and you wouldn’t be called to the office but put it online, you do?

So it might not exactly be the same but it’s pretty similar. I mean security cameras are not an issue because they are only to monitor and to catch someone and it’s to keep someone from being falsely accused thanks to the cameras and if you are not there to commit a crime, it’s not an issue to be watched on camera. But I take issues to the internet which is why I do not post real photos of me, not ever tell anyone my usernames in real life I use online, not use the same email I have used online for real life if I ever have to get a new job again. Not add your boss or co workers to your Facebook friends and to keep your page private from the public and have it only be friends only. Now people suspend their Facebook accounts when they go looking for work because places will now ask for your password to see your page. You have no right to a private life. No one will separate work and your personal life and I guess they don’t know about work behavior and home behavior. And there is no law against life discrimination saying you can’t refuse to hire someone based on their lifestyle.  But even if such law were to pass, it will still happen like it still does for people with disabilities, women, and women who are pregnant and people who have kids but there are loopholes and it’s easy to get away with because how are you going to prove it? How are you going to know it was discrimination? You can only assume but you would have to prove it. You can suspect all you want that you didn’t get the job because you have children but how would you prove you were wrongly not hired? How would you know someone wasn’t more qualified than you?

And also cell phones all have cameras now so you can record anything you see and put it online and that can also get the person fired if they were being racist which I find legitimate. That just means people now have to act better in public now because they might be recorded and it could cost them their job.

 

I am a grown woman and I still let my mom tell me what to do

Friday, February 12th, 2016

to do.

 

I am the one who feels annoyed when I read about  anyone letting their parents ruin their lives and telling them what to do or even allowing them in their life when their parent is so toxic. Honestly if my in laws were toxic and my husband was listening to them and it was affecting our relationship because he still went by their orders and following their rules and letting their views affect his decisions, I would be gone. I wouldn’t want to take the drama and my husband being mama’s boy or daddy’s boy.

My mom isn’t toxic but I still let her tell me what to do as if I am a child. I feel I don’t have the balls to stand up. Just today while I was watching The Dark Net, my son came in my room and right away he starts to whine. I hate that tone of voice, whining. He right away says “water” and I point to the cup that is sitting on my dresser that is his and it still has juice in it from days ago. I tell him the cup is right there and to pour it out and fill it up. He starts to cry. Then he starts whining “Juice” and I tell him to pour it in the sink first and he cries and cries and I tell him to pour it in the sink. My mom then yells at me from her bedroom saying he wanted to be with me and to not push him away. I wasn’t pushing him away, I just wanted him to dump the old juice out. But apparently having my son dump it in the sink is so wrong. So I say out loud being passive aggressive to my mother, “I guess I will dump the juice out for you” to my son. I take the cup and take it to the kitchen and dump it out and then I rinse it and put new juice in it. Then I put the juice away and bring it up to my son. His whining magically stopped. Is it also wrong to not give into my son if he is whining? I will push him away when he whines because all I am hearing is the whining and I can’t function with that racket and also giving into him when he whines just teaches him to whine to get his way right? And here I am letting my mother telling me how to parent. Why must I be weak?

Also was him saying he wanted water and then juice his way of wanting to be with me and I didn’t get that hint? Why didn’t he just say he wanted to be with me than asking for something to drink?

 

Does Stupid really Exist?

Friday, February 12th, 2016

We always hear “I hate stupid people” and no one likes to be told how dumb they are and it’s pretty assassin to call a person with mental retardation stupid or anyone with a learning disability or who have social issues. But there is different kinds of intelligence. People have different learning style, some are visual, some are auditory, some are hands on learning, there is book smart, street smart, emotional intelligence, social intelligence, verbal intelligence, non verbal intelligence, there is cognitive abilities or problem solving skills.

Stupid literally means lack of intelligence. So I could say I am stupid in social things or other things I have a hard time in. My parents say Jayden was not very smart. He barely passed high school and he graduated and he was in special ed but had a hard time with school work. I reminded my mother I had a hard time in school too so I also needed help with school work and I also wouldn’t have passed if I didn’t get any extra help. Jayden didn’t get the help he needed and she did say the schools up there where he lived are not very great. But she still thought he was not bright. Now would she feel this way about me if I wasn’t her daughter? I do believe parents are bias about their kids. they will exaggerate their strengths and their intelligence and their abilities and what kind of people they are. I have noticed the pattern. For example, I will see a parent write online about their child and they mention how abusive their kid is, they bully them, are aggressive, picks on other kids and their little siblings, and then they backpedal saying how great they are and how sweet they are.

But how can you really know for sure if your parent is bias about you or if they are being truthful? I have looked in my medical records and found in my IEP from third grade that my learning disability is severe and in 5th grade my psychologist Erika Bitner wrote how my overall IQ score is not accurate due to my language and she said my intelligence is in the average range and it could be above average and she based this on other scores I got on the test that were higher. Even my psychiatrist said I was very smart and smart like everyone else and I had a hard time believing that. Everyone always thought I was stupid. I struggled in school with school work. I could not find answers straight from the book when I had to answer questions because they were not direct. I was told I had a different learning style, I am visual, I am concrete and I have excelled in work that was taught in my style the way my brain works. I would say just listen to your doctors and to your medical reports because if no doctor has ever diagnosed you as a slow learner, you are probably not slow or else it would have been noted in early childhood. I have never seen the label that I had mental retardation except it would say I score in the mildly retarded range and then it was in the borderline range and then my overall IQ score was a 99 in 5th grade. That is average where the majority are. I read they will range from 90 to 115.

Okay so I found a page on City Data about hating the low intelligence. People in that thread had their own definition of the word stupid. This just shows how words have evolved. When people say stupid, they do not mean the low intelligent. They could mean willfully ignorant, unwilling to learn, choosing to do things like making bad choices or slacking off in school even though they are capable of doing the work but are choosing to not do it, unwilling to understand or be educated.

I also notice people will call someone stupid when they have a different opinion or perspective. I could call someone stupid for choosing to not believe someone but they could choose to call me stupid for believing the person. But I rarely call someone dumb. Are narcissists dumb? Was Ted Bundy dumb? Are drug users dumb? Is Dr. Phil dumb?

Anyone can choose to break the law, anyone can do stupid things, anyone can be a bigot. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Then there is the mentally ill so they also do stupid things but it doesn’t mean they are dumb. Their logic is just off and they don’t think rationally like one mentally ill woman in San Francisco thought it was a good idea to threaten the officers with a knife and charge at them for it so they shot her in self defense after the maise didn’t work. She had a diagnoses of schizophrenia and she didn’t want to be committed to a hospital because she had quit taking her meds and was neglecting her home and her health so she threatened violence on her social worker and she called the police. The mentally ill woman and her family did sue but they keep losing. Now anyone would know this is a stupid thing to do and the woman was also intelligent. Also in that city data thread, emotional intelligence is mentioned which would explain why people still do stupid things because of the influence of another person because they can’t say no or stand up for themselves.

I don’t know how many times I have been called stupid for not understanding something and it’s very ironic when I try, I get in trouble for it so I have to do the opposite. But then I read how stupid people don’t even try and get things but yet here I am having to be stupid to avoid being called stupid and getting people upset. I guess being called stupid can be a compliment because it would mean they think I am smarter than that and capable so they are not buying I don’t understand.

Also I have been called stupid when I would be right about things and they would call me stupid for it but the irony is they were the ones who are stupid, not me so they think I am stupid.

But I also find when people think I am not very smart, they will treat me with more respect. But if they don’t think I am unintelligent, they don’t treat me well and they have no patience.

Stupid and unintelligent are not the same thing. if you are unintelligent, people will still respect you and not dislike you or get mad at you because you can’t help it. But if you are stupid, you can help it so they get mad and don’t respect you. If you are unintelligent and people are treating you bad and not having patience with you and they always seem to act negative around you and always get mad at you when you don’t get things or when you misunderstand or when you ask questions, it just means they don’t think you are unintelligent, it just means they think you are being stupid. They don’t think you have a low IQ. Even if you do have a normal IQ and you still struggle to follow directions or to understand or to follow instructions, or give into pressure they think you can do it but think you are doing it intentionally so they think you are stupid.

I thought Jayden acted stupid. I thought he was stupid. It was because of the way he thought and felt about life like he thought everything should be free. This is kid thinking here. He thought money shouldn’t exist and people should just be handed things and if you want a game system, you apply for it and it will be handed to you. Now everyone knows there is no way in hell this would work. We would all go bankrupt, we would all be shortage on food and supplies, we would also be short on fuel, auto mechanics, doctors, etc. What kind of life would this be? Also you can’t force people to work and be slaves. People will just purposely get fired or slack off and not take their job seriously. Money is fuel and that is what keeps our country running. Everyone knows this. But my ex thought this and this is something you would expect to see in a child because they don’t know any better. The lack of life experience, they don’t realize how the real world really works, they just don’t have enough knowledge yet to know. But a 20 year old thinking this? OMG. he thought it was all “retarded” we all had to pay for gas, pay to live, pay to eat. he also didn’t like taxes so I told him why we had them. Taxes is what pays for the schools, pays for the roads, pays for Social Security and Foodstamps and Medicare, it also pays to maintain the prisons and housing inmates and to pay for people who work there and to pay for the teachers and pay for anyone who works for the state and taxes pay for the city libraries. Police officers get paid that way too. But he refused to knowledge this and still thought it was “retarded” and he even though I wanted him to cross the highway instead of the street and smart people will knowledge their mistake, not blame it on others and deny it. I sometimes wonder if he was also a narcissist or was he just dumb? Just lot of things he would say sounded unintelligent and he would get a thought in his head and think ti was true rather than trying to find proof that thought he has is true. he told me when you escape from prison, they freeze all your accounts. I asked him now how does he know that and he said it was common sense and why would they let you live on freely if you are in prison so they freeze your accounts so they can catch you because you would have no money to spend. I didn’t believe him, I didn’t believe lot of things he said because I had a hard time believing them. he even thought the government legally killed. He hires someone to assassinate someone and it’s unreported so that is why missing people are never found. He also thought the government could just take your house if they wanted it. I didn’t believe it. If the gov takes your home, you have probably been convicted of a crime and went to prison so what is going to happen to your home? Or if you lived on the side of the road and they had to widen it so they buy your house because it was in the way of the plan, or you owe money on your home and you haven’t been paying the mortgage, the bank takes it back and you get kicked out and if you refuse to leave, they can involve the cops to get off their property,  or live in a town that got evacuated like Pitcher, Oklahoma did or Centralia,  Pennsylvania, the state also bought their homes so they could move. But yet he was book smart and he knew how to hook up any speakers to his computer and he told me how he made one of his old gaming systems region free by taking out a part. My parents said that was nothing and anyone could do that. Uh I don’t know how to connect normal speakers to the computer, I wouldn’t know how to mess with the wiring. Some people just have more talent than others. He was just tech smart. My mother thinks he was a schizophrenic because of his thinking and how he moved his hands and the look he would have on his face like he wasn’t there like he was stoned and it was the way he talked. She said he had lot of problems. I also think he may have had OCD because he would get over paranoid like thinking he would get over drawn so I told him just as long as he balances his checkbook, it won’t happen and always put the amount in he spends right after he uses his bank account. He was also worried about identity theft so he told me how he would call the bank every 20 minutes to make sure his money was still there. I told him it only happens when he gives out his personal information and not shredding his bank statements and cancelled checks. He also had to keep an even amount in his bank. It had to be $50, not $49 or $57 and if he had $111 in the bank, he had to take out a dollar to make it $110. It all had to be in 5’s or 0’s. He said this kept him from going over drawn.

Then there was Jerry and I thought he was just naive but it didn’t take me long to realize he was just willful ignorant so I could say he was stupid since that is how the word is used today. He also made assumptions and would assume they were correct like he thought lot of special ed kids in my school were just lazy and he thought kids in my school who liked Shrek were all in special ed and he thought everyone did try and teach me before age six to tie my shoes and I just didn’t comprehend it. He thought people who wore cartoon clothes were stupid unless they were special needs. He was just a very judgmental person and I can’t believe I dated him. I could say judgmental people are stupid and intelligence has nothing to do with it.

I still thinks stupid is a word people throw around to describe different perspectives, not agreeing with them, expecting them to be like them, expecting them to be at the same level as them or have the same abilities as them, and because people don’t understand what is going on in that person’s head so they are judging them. A person working at the airport at the ticket counter might think someone is stupid for not knowing how to work the machines that print out your boarding pass because they don’t realize you have never flown before or you just don’t fly at all or haven’t flown in eight years. Even my parents get frustrated with the machines and my Dad has less patience with them and they fly more often than I have as an adult because I have only flown twice since the year 2007 and those two times were the only times I used the machine and I have seen others needing help with it too and in Wisconsin this ticket lady said :”It’s easy, it’s not that hard to figure out” and she wouldn’t help us until my husband told her “We have never flown.” A white lie but she was being an ass and I could have complained but didn’t want to bother trying to find out how to make the complaint so she can treat her customers better. Sometimes you have lie to get through a situation and I would have never thought to say that lie. Instead I would be trying to figure out the machine and getting frustrated at trying to figure it out and how long would that take for the lady to decide she better help me?