Archive for September, 2016

Everyone is “normal”

Thursday, September 29th, 2016

My parents were talking this morning about officers shooting people. Then my dad left and I started making comments about it saying what person has been shot. A deaf man was shot because he was signing, a caregiver was shot when they meant to shoot the autistic person because he was playing with a toy truck in the middle of the street and it traumatized the autistic man and luckily the caregiver lived, a six year old boy was shot in the car, a 12 year old boy was shot because he was playing with a toy gun so someone called them so when he reached in his pocket he got shot and his sister was in the park with him when it happened but she wasn’t with him but she was in the same location, now this man’s car had broken down so he called for help and he was in the middle of the intersection. A cop pulls up and gets out and the man realized he wasn’t there to help him so he backs away slowly with his hand up and the officer lady is shouting “show me your hand” and the guy keeps backing away with his hand up. She shot him and there were already a bunch of police cars around by then so she had no reason to shoot and the man was unarmed.

The majority of these people were black and the deaf person was white. My mom told me most people who are shot are black. I told her about the statistic I saw online about who is shot by officers and it showed most of them were white. She told me statistics can be scewed and if that were true, it would be all over the news. She told me yes more white people have been shot but most of them were doing a crime and most of these black people who have been shot have been all innocent and not committing any crime. So she gives me an example, 500 whites have been shot while not committing a crime, how many blacks that have been shot who were not commuting a crime, 1,000. How many whites have been shot while committing a crime, 1,000. How many blacks have been shot while committing a crime, 500. So I realized people can do statistics and scew them and show it to make you change your argument and your opinion. I had started to think people were being paranoid about this being a racist issue. Then I asked her how can you tell what statistics are scewed and she told me it would be all over the news. I told her the news tends to be bias like every time they show about terrorist attacks, it’s always done by a Muslim working with ISIS. My mom told me that part is true but not all Muslims work for them and join them. I told her but they are only showing Muslims working with them, not any whites. She told me it is true that ISIS is doing all these things but it doesn’t mean all Muslims are joining ISIS and doing this stuff. I told her people use that to justify their racism on Muslims and she said people will always do that. While a fact may be true, it’s what people do with that fact. She used an example about Las Vegas. There are women there who are prostitutes. Does that mean all women are prostitutes? No. I told my mother how that is called a confirmation bias because because will use it to say everyone is that way. Then somehow the topic moves onto religion because my mom uses Christianity as an example. How the bible is being rewritten and how some people can’t make their own choices and decision. I told her I never want to be told how to live my life, I like to be free.

Mom tells me not everyone can do that. People may get up and go to work and come home and eat but they want more than that, they need guidance so they use religion. Not everyone is capable of making their own choices. They need a leader. I told her that sounded like a disability because it sounded like an impairment. Mom told me it wasn’t one. I told her they can’t even make their own choices and she told me they can still function on day to day life.

Okay to me not being able to make your own choices and be your own leader doesn’t sound functional to me. Mom told me everyone has a leader, that is why we have leaders of the pack, bosses, teachers, the government or else it would all be chaos. I am starting to understand why religion is accommodated and treated as a disability. Mom told me an impairment is when you can’t function day to day basis.

But here is the confusing part. People with dyslexia can function day to day, people with specific learning disorders can function day to day but it’s still an impairment. What about Temple Grandin and John Robison? They all function day to day basis.

I remember being told as a kid how normal I am. I didn’t think I was normal because I was different. I wasn’t like the other kids. But one day when I was 15, I was in the resource room and we were shown photos of kids working for the Vocational Rehab for teens with disabilities to help them train to be independent and have a job. These all looked like normal kids so I made the remark, “They look normal” and the teacher said “that is because they are normal people.”

I learned that day that you can have a disability and still be considered normal. It wasn’t just me that is normal, everyone else with disabilities were normal too. That would mean the kids in the resource room were also normal. I even started to see this one girl with Down’s syndrome as normal. She didn’t like the sea food joke because she thought it was gross and didn’t like me opening my mouth after asking kids at the table if they like sea food. Yes she had normal feelings because she is a human duh. Having DS doesn’t make them not have normal feelings and she had a mind of a small child under age five. I started to see myself as normal and when I would say “I feel normal” my mom would go “you are normal.”

So I learn after a while my mom views everyone as normal because what is normal? She used to tell me if normal meant not having any problems and not having any medical conditions or any disabilities, there wouldn’t be any normal people in the world. But then she contradicts herself, she said Frankie wasn’t normal, she said Jayden wasn’t normal. Okay whatever happened to “what’s normal” and “everybody’s got problems”? Frankie had behavior and Jayden according to my mother couldn’t even function because he couldn’t interact with people. But he interacted with me just fine and he interacted with his friends fine. I saw him and Frankie as normal. It was drilled into my head about the word normal. Was Ted Bundy normal? Was he functional? He could function day to day life but he liked killing people. To me that is not normal and that doesn’t make him normal. Someone can act normal but it doesn’t mean they are normal. But I saw he could be a normal person because of the way he acted and functioned but just don’t kill people. But where do we draw the line for normal and impairment? People in wheelchairs can function day to day life but yet they would still have a disability, they would still have an impairment.

This is all confusing. From my understanding, a diagnoses is only made if there is an impairment and the person has troubles functioning day to day life. But yet there are people out there who have a diagnoses, I have a diagnoses. We’re functional. My husband is functional and also has several diagnoses. People out there who do have symptoms but don’t get a diagnoses but were told they have symptoms. It could mean yes they do have symptoms of a disorder but they can still function day to day life so no diagnoses is given. What about days when a person can’t function and they can function day to day but there are days they can’t function? Then what? What would this mean then for an impairment? What about when someone is stressed out and just as long as they are not stressed and they are calm and relaxed, they’re fine but when they are under stress or anxious or nervous, or have anxiety, they have an impairment? My mom still calls me normal for this but she doesn’t see Frankie or Jayden as normal. I am thinking this is mostly because I am her daughter and parents tend to be bias about their kids. She even called my son normal despite thinking he has ADHD. ADHD is a disability, it’s an impairment so hence the label. But I still see him as functional.

This post does not mean I am downplaying anyone’s experience or their struggles. I just realized this is a politically incorrect subject here regarding impairments and labels and doctors giving out a diagnoses to people just to give them the help and support they need so they can be functional because of the way society is and because of what kind of people some people are but yet they are still seen as normal. Look at the book The Difficult Child. There are other books out there like that such as Back To Normal, and Einstein syndrome Bright children who Talk late. I am sure these books would be hard to read and controversial to people who feel insecured about themselves regarding their disability. These books could be interpreted for these books are written for parents who are in denial. But it’s been clear in The Difficult Child by the author that if everything has been changed and tried for the kid and they are in the right environment and their symptoms are still there, they deserve a diagnoses. He also wrote how to tell because if your kid has a disorder or is just difficult is looking at if they had reached all their milestones, if so, you have a difficult child, of not, your kid isn’t difficult. But he also mentioned language disorders in difficult kids.  It would be interesting to read the latest version of the book to see what information he’s changed in there. I saw on his website that he believes one can be eccentric and have poor social skills and still not have Asperger’s. That makes me wonder how many people on the spectrum he would undiagnose. I am sure he would say I don’t have it.

According to comments I have read about the book, this book gets recommended to parents by pediatricians and social workers and therapists to parents who thinks their kid isn’t normal and have something wrong with them. I am sure this book was recommended to my mother by someone because she always knew I had something. But she still says she knew I had something so that implies she still thinks I am different than just normal or else she would have said “I thought you had something” and “I thought you had more going on than ADD.” I would say this book is used for to rule out disorders before you start deciding your kid has something wrong with them, it’s not about being in denial. But yet my mom still says I’m normal. :/

Update at work

Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

So on Monday I go back to work and my boss isn’t there so nothing happened. I still do my normal routines but this time I brought my husband’s phone and snapped photos of the restrooms after I cleaned them in case my boss tells me I didn’t clean them and I needed to do them. I go on with my day and the same guy didn’t bother me again but I notice he likes to walk around the building with another co worker but I don’t worry about them. I am not sure what their jobs are and the guy was playing with his phone and it keeps going “Oh yeah” and I continue working. Then I get done with the floor and do the recycling and composting and he decided to put glass bottles on my cart so I toss them in my barrel and I hear him cursing on the elevator. I get done with my floors and I sort through the compost and bottles and pop cans and so on and put them in their right bins. Then I remember to pick up the cones and put them aside. I do see the boss that day but he didn’t talk to me about anything except saying hi. He was there with another employee and they were talking.

The next day I go in and I do the same routine again but I forgot the phone so I couldn’t take photos. I see the same guy and co worker again and they go in the mens restroom I had cleaned. I also remembered to not leave the wet mop head on the carpet so I took it off and put it with the other wet mop heads and set them on top of the compost bin for me to get later. I do my normal routine and then I get the cones again and set them aside again and go to the day cares. But after I did them both, both mops were gone so I looked for them and they were not in my closet or on that floor so I went to the storage and got another one of each. I didn’t freak out. I had no idea who took them. Maybe they were moved to the storage and I got them back. They have some spare mops down there.

I am working on remembering tasks like picking up the cones sooner, not leaving the wet mop head on the carpet. Since I am trying to work slower, I might be able to remember this more. That will help me put in some time. I have to try and work out a routine again so it becomes a habit.

Regret vs Remorse

Sunday, September 25th, 2016

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201507/regret-vs-remorse

I found an article about Borderline and narcissistic regret vs remorse. My ex had told me in a comment here that she has BPD. That is very similar to NPD because they are often compared and people saying they are both the same to victims. Some don’t even know if they are both or which one they have because of the overlap.

I remember when I was on my ex’s Facebook page, I saw one where she said she lost the only woman she loved. I thought that was some joke and I wasn’t sure if she was talking about me. She could have been talking about someone else. She might have met another woman and lost her. But anyway the first thought that came to my head was “You ignored me so can she say she lost me?” Then I started wondering why she would quit answering her phone in the first place. Did she think I would stick around if I was being treated that way?

Also one of their hallmarks is their lack of truly being sorry. My ex was not sorry for how she treated me. She denied it instead and used her diagnoses as a cop out. Instead of taking responsibility she threw the “I really wish you would read about my diagnoses so you can understand me better.” She also told me she is sorry for how I fee.l and she told me what she read here was upsetting. I think she felt that way because she didn’t like how I was reacting about it and feeling. The article sums it up right here about this behavior she did.

BP/NPs don’t take responsibility for their own moods or actions, so they don’t feel remorse.  Instead, they typically feel angry at you for reacting negatively to their actions.  They rarely even notice that they have hurt your feelings or insulted you or put down your opinions or views.  When you point out that they have done something hurtful, they blame you for “being too sensitive” or too judgmental or just unloving.

I remember in the relationship, I was trying very hard to figure out how to word things and how to say things so my ex wouldn’t get upset with me. Then I would blame it on myself thinking my communication was wrong and I can’t say anything right. The reason why other people don’t react the way they do and cry is because they can control their emotions and hold them in, she doesn’t do that. It also created lot of stress for me because I had all these thoughts in my brain and I couldn’t even talk about them because it would upset her so I was left alone with these intrusive thoughts. I can talk to my husband about it and he wouldn’t get upset with me even though he has admitted it’s hard work for him because he then has to calm me down. But he still does it because he loves me and he doesn’t like me being upset. I don’t like being this way either so that is why he handles all the finances and doesn’t tell me how much money we have and I just use my credit card and he pays it off. I don’t go overboard with spending. My husband is also good with finances and he doesn’t buy stuff we can’t afford so I trust we won’t go broke or go below in our bank account. If I had stayed with my ex, none of this wouldn’t happen and I would be alone with my intrusive thoughts and it would have been very stressful.

The moment I got the comment from my ex was a typical narc apology. I know because I have lurked on forums about it and read blogs about it and have seen people post their narc apologies that were sent to them by their ex or narc parent. Their letters are usually calm and not angry or hostile. My ex’s letter was calm and there was no tension in it or any anger. They will also deny the things they did and say how sorry they are for you feeling a certain way about them or say how sorry they are for you not having a happy childhood. They never apologize for how they acted and treated you. There is also gaslighting in it. My ex did some gaslighting by saying she didn’t do any of the stuff I said she did.

I have noticed a pattern with abusers. They seem to forget the abuse they have done to their victims and that behavior is always harmful for the victim. I have wondered if they regret so much what they did they truly forget about their abuse as some form of coping mechanism because they can’t cope with their feeling of regret or even guilt so it’s easy to just forget so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. But then that means they wouldn’t have to take responsibility over what they did. My mother used to tell me when I was 10-12 “just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.” Even as a kid if I had no memory of doing something, I wasn’t off the hook, people didn’t move on. They still had to talk about it and make a big deal about it and to me it was over and done with because I lived in the moment and this was a problem for everyone around me. I cannot imagine how much gaslighting I must have been doing growing up and how many times I must have invalidated feelings. Just because something wasn’t a big deal to me, I couldn’t understand why it would be a big deal to someone else and why they were still obsessing over it so I made it be their problem. This is a common characteristic in BPD and NPD. Gosh no wonder so many kids thought I was mean and selfish and not caring. I looked normal and looked like everyone else. I didn’t even look like I had problems so how would the other kids know I had problems?

But no one around me was stupid because they remembered and knew it full well happened even if I denied it or didn’t make a big deal about it and got annoyed with them when they would obsess about it.

Do people with NPD and BPD live in the moment? I don’t think so. I think it’s just about avoiding responsibility and them thinking it’s not their fault.

And because my mother did drill into my head about just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it never happened, I did start to believe things I did other kids would tell me I did so for two years I believed I shoved a plastic fork in a kid’s neck and it stuck there. Why? Because other kids told me I did it but then in my Freshman year, a boy told me at a dance party that never happened and the kid just made it up to make himself look cool. So after that I am back to trusting my own thoughts and not believes what people tell me about myself. It’s either pics or it didn’t happen. If it’s anything minor, I won’t argue about it and deny it because it wouldn’t be worth fighting about.  My mom told me years later in my adult years that if she had known about the fork incident, she would have told me it never happened because if it did, I would have been charged with assault and taken away and be put in a juvenile detention center.

 

Bad day at work

Friday, September 23rd, 2016

I work as a janitor and several times I have gotten accused of not cleaning the restrooms over the years because sometimes a customer comes in and uses it and makes a mess and I get the blame. One time someone took all the toilet paper out of the restroom when I worked in a different building and my boss was telling me the following day how I needed to leave a couple extra rolls in there. I swore I left some in there but someone must have stolen them.

Another problem I have is forgetfulness. I forget to do some tasks that are not in my routine or something I am not used to. I was informed to pick up the ones when the floor dries. I try to remember to do that. I was informed to not leave my wet mop on the rugs. I try to remember to not do that. I was informed to scrub the tile floor around the urinal, I try to remember to do that. Now I am out of chemical for it and there isn’t anymore in the storage so I haven’t been doing it. I might use something else to spray down there and then scrub. I always get nervous to call my boss and that is always a challenge.

Today I made a couple mistakes, cones left out and wet mop on the carpet. The co worker found me and told me about it and he accused me of leaving compost on the floor again but that didn’t happen. I didn’t drop anything on the floor. Maybe someone dropped food and I got the blame. He told me how frustrating it is how I am not doing my job and it keeps him from not doing his job. I often feel like there is no room to make mistakes and I know everyone makes a mistake but if I am not allowed to make any, then something must be wrong with me or otherwise it wouldn’t be a big deal.

So the co worker leaves and I go back to my work and then when I am cleaning another room, the co worker comes back accusing me of not cleaning the restrooms. I did clean them. Someone must have came in and used them again. I know I did not imagine cleaning those restrooms because I had forgotten to change my mop head again when I mopped the mens. I also remember taking out the trash and cleaning the sinks and mirrors and wiping the counter tops and around the sinks. I also cleaned the toilet bowls and wiped them and I remember replacing one roll of toilet paper because it was low. Then I remember mopping and going back in there to get the cones. Well the co worker didn’t sound happy and we got into an argument about the restrooms. His reason for his thinking that I didn’t clean the toilets was because there is no cleanser in them. It flushes down duh. I even asked him if the toilet seats were up and he goes “never mind” and walks away.

Seriously I do not go into work and skip tasks. I only skip something if it hasn’t been used. I can tell by the trash can being empty and toilet seats being up but usually the restrooms have been used because the other seats are down and there is paper towels in the trash can.

So after I am done cleaning I go back to the restrooms and check them out and sure enough a customer had used both restrooms, a man and woman. Someone used the handicapped stall and left a piece of toilet paper in the toilet and I cleaned it again and got the paper towels out of the trash can. Then I checked out the mens and someone used that one too because they left a piece of toilet paper in the toilet but yet the seat was up and they also left a Fansta orange soda can on the counter top with a drop on it and it was full. I just flushed the toilet and moved the pop can and left it there for the owner to claim the next day and I wiped up the spot. Also the restrooms smelled funny as the co worker claimed. The combination of piss and chemical. I also checked the floor in the mens and found no traces of urine on the ground.

Is it a common janitor thing to get into trouble for a customer using the restroom after cleaning it?  Where is the common sense that people use the restrooms after them being cleaned? There is still a few people in the building when I clean them. Some stay later and there are security that work there and some stay late to work out but it doesn’t happen often when someone uses the restrooms. But it’s not the first time I got blamed for someone using it. I mean look at the trash can, look at the sinks and mirrors and the toilet seats being up or not. I think it’s obvious if someone had used it after it’s been cleaned.

Now the co worker wants to tell the boss and I wasn’t scared because I had been trying to remember and been doing it but I still forget and I did clean the restrooms. I honestly didn’t know if I was being gaslighted and bullied or if it was a misunderstanding about the restrooms. But I did feel crazy for a moment but I knew my memory was working fine and I know I cleaned those restrooms but I was going through some self doubt so I felt like I should start using my phone for pictures. I might have to start doing that and every day take a picture of my work so avoid any false accusations. Take a picture of the empty trash cans, the toilet paper dispensers, the clean sinks and toilets and the cones for the mopped floor. That way I won’t doubt myself and I will have my phone with me and I can show the boss if he thinks I didn’t do my job.

It would be scary to think this person is trying to get rid of me or wants to bully me. How can one tell if they are being bullied or not if it’s subtle like this? But after checking out the restrooms, I will assume it was a misunderstanding because of two customers using each restroom but it still should have been obvious I cleaned them but they also smelled funny too. But the floors looked clean so that should have been obvious too.

My son might not need an IEP

Tuesday, September 20th, 2016

If he keeps this up, he might not need one by next year.

My son has been enjoying school. He loves it. I have gotten no complaints from the teacher, he has been doing his school work and he’s told me he has been playing with other kids at recess. Today they played camping. Yesterday they played Zombie. I am so proud of him. I guess the doctor was right that he was just immature and he has made a big stride this past summer. That makes me think he doesn’t have ADHD. He has been doing better with taking care of his toys.

I shared with my mother today how good he has been doing in school due to no complaints so I think he might not need an IEP by next year. My mother of course disagreed and told me that my son told her the other day that he is too afraid to play out in the field because he might not be able to hear the bell. Instead of playing with the boys, he will stay and not play with them. I told her he could just follow the boys back to class and he would know when the bell has rung because he would see them leaving. My mom told me that is a good way of doing it but not for him because he is afraid he will be so into his game he won’t notice the bell. So I am seeing he is aware of his problem with over focusing and zoning the whole world out around him so he is too afraid of not coming inside when recess is over if the bell rings and he doesn’t hear it. My mom says he has some anxiety and she will address this with the teacher at the parent teacher thing tomorrow. I am working so I wouldn’t be able to go but my mom is going to take my husband there making it mandatory for him.

My mom also told me a funny story about this weekend. My son goes up to her and tells her “Mom won’t take me to school” and my mom goes “that is because there is no school today” and my son asks why and she tells him that the teacher isn’t there and my son asks “is she sick?” My mom goes “No, she is home and so are the other kids, none of them are in school today. It’s family day today, all the kids are having family day.” She also told him tomorrow will be family day too and all the kids will be home having family day. I told my mom I did tell him it was Saturday and you don’t go on Saturday. My mom told me he doesn’t understand  and doesn’t know his days of the weeks yet. My son was even ready for school that day and he came up to my mother telling her I won’t take him to school.

He really likes school.

Thursday, September 15th, 2016

40 Signs You’re Being Abused By A Narcissist

I fit these when I was with Jerry:

  1. You no longer recognize yourself.
  2. Your emotions are all over the place. You feel angry, sad, anxious, ashamed, guilty, bad and afraid.
  3. You feel crazy. You just know there is something wrong with you.
  4. Your mood depends on the state of your relationship.
  5. You can’t seem to make your partner happy no matter what you do. You try to be perfect, and even when you think you are pleasing your partner, they find something wrong with you.
  6. You feel as if you have no voice. You are afraid to express any negative emotions whether they are about your partner or your bad day at work. No matter what you say your partner will take it personally and make it about them
  7. You try to carefully control your words, actions, tone of voice and any details you share with your partner out of fear of upsetting them.
  8. You feel afraid of your partner and fear what he might do next. (yes after she cursed at me on the phone raising her voice and hanging up on me)
  9. You feel hopeless.
  10. You cry a lot. This could be in front of him when he hurts you or you could do it privately while locked in a bathroom, closet or after your partner falls asleep.
  11. You do what he wants out of fear that he will punish you with the silent treatment, cheating or withholding love and affection. (She never cheated so I didn’t fear that, I feared she would be upset with me and would ignore me because she would see me as a baby or like a little kid)
  12. You feel that no other man will ever want you.
  13. You feel worthless.
  14. You are anxious and overwhelmed by your life.
  15. You make excuses for your partner’s bad behavior. You tell yourself he didn’t mean the cruel things he said. If you didn’t make him so angry he wouldn’t say that. (I did make excuses for her behavior and thought she didn’t mean the things she was doing and she would never tell me things that were not true because she is honest)
  16. You cling to the false hope that if things could just go back to the way they were in the beginning, you would get your happily ever after.
  17. You believe if you change, your narcissistic partner will change and you will have a happy relationship.

 

I made nearly half the list of my ex. Some others didn’t apply. If I saw this list years back, I might have scoffed at the ones I relate to thinking it’s a distortion in my head and think “that was different.” But abuse is abuse right and they don’t have to be a narcissist for this list to apply. Just change the title to “40 signs you are in a abusive relationship.”

Crazy Day Today

Wednesday, September 14th, 2016

Today I go to work and I wait at the train stop. They have the whole entire road blocked off right next to the stop. I wait for the train and then another person comes to me and says “Trains won’t be coming by here for a while.” I asked him why and he said “They have it all blocked off.” I asked him why and he pointed and says they had the whole ribbon across the tracks and I asked him why again. Then he tells me someone got hit. I look and the train was stuck down there so I figured someone got struck by a train again. That is so annoying. Why must people be stupid to walk on the tracks and get hit? Why not look both ways? Then it disrupts the schedules and it makes people late to work and stuff.

So I go home and get in my car and drive to the closest transit center and wait for the train there. They are doing shuttle buses. Then the train comes and I get on and I get off at my work stop.

After work I see a bunch of police cars again and a firetruck. I go to the stop again and I see a bunch of people and police officers there and police cars. Some were even on the tracks. I see a man on the ground and he was all bloody and I saw a pile of blood on the ground. I see the ambulance come and I play my game and then I smell something good. I figured it must have been some bandage stuff they were using for the guy. Then I noticed they put something on the ground that looked like sawdust. It didn’t take long at all for it all to clear up and the transit security got on her radio and said it was all clear now and they can send in the trains. The man looked okay though but he had to hold something over his nose.

Luckily there was no more accidents on the way home. Two in one day, the record I have seen is five and that was with cars than with pedestrians.

Woman arrested for domestic abuse

Wednesday, September 14th, 2016

You don’t hear this often about women being arrested for abuse, you only hear about the guys being arrested. Sadly as a guy, you need to have actual proof you were the victim so this guy had his phone on record for the whole thing and it was enough for the police officers to make an arrest.

 

Something new I learned about bullying

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

I was reading a book at Barnes & Noble and it was about anxiety. It talks about anxiety disorders and I was reading the first chapter and he talks about teens and technology. He talks about bullying and he said something very interesting. He said when you are bullied often, you start to think there is something wrong with you, there is something about you that makes kids target you, you don’t see anyone else being bullied like you do, so you start to think something is wrong with you. It brings down your self esteem. He said what makes you a target for bullying is your reaction. REACTION.

Yes the bullying did make me think there was something wrong with me. I took the criticism kids thought of me and I tried to better myself. I started to study what was rude behavior and what exactly is showing off, I started to walk looking at the ground so I would stop bumping into people. I always felt bad for bumping into people because of my clumsiness so I learned to look at the ground when I walk and I will have more time to move my body when I see a kid in the way. I even started to copy “normal” behavior to be normal. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be respected, I didn’t want to be this mean and rude girl and a show off. Kids thought I was weird so I tried to stop being weird. I didn’t accept being different anymore. I tried harder to care about others so I wouldn’t be selfish anymore and spoiled. Also the author wrote to not listen to what kids tell you about yourself and it’s just their opinion. I sure took their opinions seriously so I started to obsess about being normal and trying to be this good person. I couldn’t handle the criticism. But the truth is bullies do not care, you can never impress them. But where do you draw the line for when to listen to someone’s opinion about you and when to not listen? If we never listen to anyone, we will never better ourselves and also when does a comment count as bullying? My mom doesn’t think I was really bullied, she just thinks I was just teased and I was too sensitive and I took kids comments too personally. She says they were just mean kids but she didn’t see any of it as bullying. She says the others were just innocent and I took it too personal, too literal. That seems common in ASD kids to take it all personal so they continue seeing those kids as the same people, I sure did. I didn’t want to be around the kids that made fun of me in the third grade for how I spoke. I didn’t want to be around any kid that thought of me as a show off or selfish or spoiled or rude or crazy or weird. I had true social anxiety around those kids because I felt so self conscious about myself so I had to watch my facial expressions, my behavior, how I sat, my body language. I don’t feel that way anymore because I don’t care what people think and I don’t care about normal. Besides what is normal anyway?

I was also rejected but I didn’t know why I was rejected. My own friends would avoid me and tell me to go away. I had poor social skills.

But I think kids are bullied for many reasons, not because of how you react. Transgender kids get bullied because they do not follow the gender role  Homosexual kids get bullied because they are not following the “norm” and kids are taught that being gay is “wrong” by their religious families or because their parents find it “sick.” Autistic children are bullied because of their poor social skills and because they don’t understand jokes and of course how they react to teasing so it makes them even more of a target. I think one of the things that made me a target for bullying was my reaction to teasing, the way I talked, I was socially naive, I was pretty sensitive. Kids also thought I was stupid or retarded and I did take teasing seriously and I remember getting upset by it too. So when I got upset by it, I think that is what made me more of a target for teasing. Most kids would just ignore it and handle it better and then the kids move onto the other kid. That didn’t happen with me because I made myself the target. Children with autism make themselves the target because of the way they react to teasing so the kids do it more. Kids do like to pick on those who are different. Different can be normal kids or kids with disabilities.

So the author is right that being bullied doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

I think bullying attributes to anxiety. It can lead to PTSD, social anxiety, depression, and of course low self esteem. I think the bullying may have lead to my anxiety and the rejections and causing me to be depressed. By 6th grade I wanted to kill myself and was already talking about it because I couldn’t handle it anymore and I was sick and tired of not being able to be normal. I was so obsessed with the word normal and I didn’t accept myself. I did try to to up my low self esteem by doing work by myself and being proud of it no matter what grade I got. Even my mom getting upset with me about my grade didn’t change it because I did it all by myself without help so I felt normal and smart. C is average so why feel bad about it?

 

The truth about covert narcissists and why they aren’t hopeless.

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016

Down the Rabbit Hole

covert_narcissist

BPD and covert narcissism/covert NPD are often confused with each other, because on the surface, their symptoms can appear very similar.   Neither has a grandiose sense of self or displays much (or any) arrogance, which is the more typical picture of someone with NPD.   Like borderlines, covert narcissists can seem very sensitive, needy, or emotionally fragile (something grandiose narcissists are not usually noted for, except for their infamous outbursts of rage).

Because covert or “fragile” NPD is not a recognized psychiatric diagnosis (at least not in my country),  people  who are actually suffering from covert narcissism (or covert NPD for those higher on the spectrum) are usually diagnosed with something else — usually Borderline Personality Disorder, especially for females.   Covert narcissism is also frequently confused with  PTSD (which may actually be comorbid with it),  Avoidant Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, or Asperger’s syndrome/high functioning autism.

Covert narcissists…

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