Archive for the ‘narcissism’ Tag

The narcissistic psycho bitch

Saturday, October 7th, 2017

I have always liked Gale Weathers. So pretty and I just liked her. People also had a hostile attitude towards her when she would try and do her job and then she quits her job as a journalist and I would too if I kept pissing people off with it.  But I rewatched the movies again as an adult and I had a realization. She is not some innocent news reporter as I thought. She was all for fame, she didn’t care about anyone but herself, she had an agenda. People were not hostile with her just because, they could see right through her and knew she had an agenda. That is what made her a bitch, that is why they were reacting negative towards her, that is why Sydney had assaulted her twice. I realized she was a narcissist. She was so self absorbed and she wanted to be admired and only did things to get fame. She did not save Sydney because she cared and wanted to help, she did it for her fame so she can write a book about it and be a hero and be admired. She sees niceness as weakness so she puts on this bitch persona. But Dewey could see right through it and knew she was not this cold hearted lady and incapable of empathy. He saw her as a lonely lost girl. That sounded condescending when he told that to Jennifer Jolie. I see that meaning as Dewey sees her as a child and has emotions of one and she does what she does to get the attention she needs just cause she is lonely and all she needs is someone to notice her and like her for who she is. Jennifer Jolie saw her as a narcissistic psycho bitch and of course Dewey defends her by saying he doesn’t think she is that and thinks she has a good heart and she is a lonely lost girl and sees niceness as weakness and doesn’t want anyone to see that in her. I even wonder if Gale had some fucked up childhood it made her the way she is and someone did do a Fanfiction about it where they had her tell Dewey about her childhood and it was horrible. Was an accident so she was unwanted, got raped and it was blamed on her by her own mother, and was always treated horribly by her family and then she goes off to New York and goes to school for journalism and decides no one will ever see the true her and she will get fame and be admired. Of course in the movie Gale has let her guard down and actually show empathy when Dewey would give her attention for her as a person, not because of her fame and what she does in her career, and when she would want to solve the ghostface murder and she wasn’t doing that for fame. I do not think she has NPD and her character has evolved throughout the franchise and in the fourth movie, she has moved onto fictional writing no longer writing about the ghostface killings or the Woodsboro murders. But this is only Hollywood where you can actually cure someone by giving them what they need and bam they stop being this bad person. That is why I say she didn’t have NPD.

Also the reason why Sydney was so hostile towards Gale and wouldn’t talk to her was because she wrote about her mother in her book and made up stuff based on her theories and made money off of it than sticking to the facts. Sure other journalists and investigators have written about murders but they stick to the facts and respect the victims families and change their names and facts for privacy and I doubt they all do it for money and they only do it because they know people will be curious and want to read about it. Gale only did it for fame and to make money and she made up stuff in her book and didn’t respect the victim’s family. Sydney could see right through it and now I understand why she assaulted her when she told her “I will send you a copy.”

 

Courteney Cox as Gale Weathers. Even she thinks her own character was a bitch and very manipulative and she had to work very hard to get the part. I can’t believe she was my age when she acted in the first movie.

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Seeing the positives in my toxic ex

Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

So I am in a online group for people who are in a relationship or were in a relationship with someone with BPD. I can sometimes relate to them and lot of times I can’t because their ex’s are so different than my own and their stories are worse than mine. Someone decided to make a thread about trying to make negative memories into positive memories.

I made a post talking about what positives I saw in Jerry. I wrote  it taught me what my limitations were. It taught me what I can handle and what I will tolerate and what my boundaries are. It also taught me future red flags to spot a future toxic person. I also learned to never be a martyr and it won’t make you a bad guy for not tolerating such behavior in a person even if they claim to have a disorder. If they are not able to change that about themselves or even try, you won’t be the bad guy if you leave them nor does it make you not understanding. Being understanding does not mean tolerating abuse or letting them hurt your feelings or treat you a certain way. I also learned you shouldn’t just give someone a chance to change because what you see is what you get and don’t ever assume it will get better. If anything gets worse, don’t assume it will get better. This is what my ex taught me. Sure there were other positives like how special she made me feel when we met or how understanding she acted towards me and accepting and she had a very good sense of direction and had a GPS in her head because she used to work as a delivery person so she new the area well and she used that skill to avoid traffic because she didn’t like being stuck in traffic.

Edit: I also should add she also taught me how not to treat people so I will always use the Dish Network thing as an example about how I should just do things for people when they tell me how important it is because I don’t want them having anxiety and also giving them trouble and screwing them over because of me. Just because I don’t find it important doesn’t mean it’s not important for the other person. Do not be a Jerry. Also no making empty promises. Do not say you are going to do something if you have no intention of doing it or if you can’t do it because it’s too inconvenient for you or if you don’t think you can do it fast enough or can’t set a time to do it. So toxic people can be real good role models for how not to treat people and how not to act. That is how I always viewed Disney villains as a child. They taught me how not to act and how not to treat people. But do look at the good people and see how to treat people and how to act. If someone does something you don’t like, they had just taught you how not to treat people.

How I feel about those autism hate sites

Thursday, December 29th, 2016

Often times we will see articles about how bad borderlines are and what the red flags are and what makes them toxic people. I see the same written about NPD and psychoapaths and yes those are mental illnesses to rather people want to believe it or not.

I see the same with Asperger’s. I will see hate sites out there warning other people about being in a relationship with them and how harmful they are and how abusive they are.

Now what do I think of these sites, I believe these were created by women who were deeply hurt by their ex who happened to have it or believed they did. I see the same about borderlines too and NPDs and psychopaths and personality disorders. Some do armchair diagnose. I armchair diagnosed mine with covert narcissism but it turned out she was BPD  if she was telling the truth but I still feel she acted very narcissist and a covert one. Talk about overlap and some victims do believe covert narcissism and BPD are the same.

People will express their hurt differently. Some will just suffer in silent and only talk about things their ex did while some others will be hateful about their ex and make fun of them and their problems and make hate posts about them and hate pages on them while some do the extreme and make hates pages on their disorder telling everyone how bad people are with it and warning everyone to stay away from them. There is even a hate group on autism on the Delphi forums. It’s mostly women in it and not all of them are bad and hateful but those ones always stand out and they will make fun of their ex’s and hate on autism. Even the group owner is very hostile towards anyone who is on the spectrum ad will boot and silence anyone if she thinks you’re on it and she will even ban people if she thinks they’re aspies. She has gotten very paranoid and thinks a user from Wrongplanet is trolling there and making different accounts posing as an NT so she bans that user. I remember the time another NT was banned from that group because she was posting on Wrongplanet so the owner assumed she was an ASD but she took it well.

How did I handle my hurt on my ex’s. Well with Jayden I made fun of him behind his back so I even wrote a story about him making fun of my situation and in the story the girlfriend would get tired of him being lazy and not wanting to work so she decides to make him wear diapers so she gives him a choice, either he moves out or wear diapers and he complains how “retarded” that all is but because he doesn’t want to move back home, he goes with diapers. My husband would tease me about him from time to time saying “No wonder you wanted to put him in diapers, he was an adult baby.” When I watched an episode of South Park where the boys got addicted to a computer game and there was someone in the game who was cheating so the boys had to kill a bunch of animals to gain experience points to level up to kill off the character so he would stop killing other characters who didn’t have high experience points because he had so many. The user was fat and messy and lazy so I said to my mother they had made a whole show on Jayden and my mom laughed and said my little brother said that exact same thing and said this is something I should watch because it’s about my ex.

Then there was Jerry. I also talked about her for a while until my parents said they were sick of hearing about her and she was out of my life now so move the fuck on so I would talk to my husband about it and he listened and supported me. I also went on a posting rampage on Wrongplanet about her talking about the stuff she has said t me about me and other things and about how I was treated. I knew she lurked there but I just didn’t care. I wanted her to see my pain and suffering and after finding out about narcissism, I regretted what I did because it meant she probably enjoyed the pain she gave me and had  a good laugh at my suffering because I gave her the attention she wanted.

While I did those things, some will go out of their way and create websites or hate groups on a condition while some will make a blog about their ex and post their real name and I hear someone did actually do that on here and then within a week, her blog was gone and hadn’t been back up since. I did see someone who did that (I wonder if that was the same person) and her intent was to destroy him and to warn any other women who are dating him and when they Google his name they will find her blog and find other news articles about him the bad stuff he has done and the man will suffer forever and be ruined.

Then if course I have heard about women wanting to get revenge on their ex’s after being hurt by them. Reason why I am saying women is because the stories are mostly by them than by guys.

Every hurt person handles it differently.

 

 

People saying their abusers faked a condition trend

Wednesday, November 16th, 2016

I often notice a trend by people who were in abusive relationships about their partners faking an illness. I did ask a couple weeks ago about how do we know if they actually had a disorder or are we just assuming they were faking it because they were abusive and it didn’t turn out well. I did write here about No longer identifying my ex as an aspie because it’s taboo to be in a relationship with someone who had it and they were abusive. Mine was controlling and emotionally abusive. She has never hit me or broken anything and she has never threatened me or called me any names like stupid or bitch or telling me how worthless I am or telling me no one will ever want me. But abuse is also a spectrum so not everyone always knows they are being abused but y mom knew but didn’t say anything until long after we were split up. But at first she said while we were living apart that she was worried I was being abused and I said I was not and reassured her I wasn’t. This was before I knew about emotional abuse and knew about different forms of it and when I found out after reading an article about it in the Seventeen mag around December 2008 or January 2009 and she ticked a few boxes for it, I was in denial for a while because I was still making excuses for my ex which is pretty typical in lot of victims. But the main reason was I was worried I would be playing the victim if I admitted it and came out with it. But my mother has reminded me that anyone can be abusive, even people with Alzheimer’s can be abusive. We actually adopted a dog from an animal shelter when I was 14 and she was an abused animal and it turned out her abuser was an old woman who was senile and she would forget to feed her dog so the dog would dig in the trash and she would beat her with a newspaper. It was obvious she did more to her than beating her with a paper because our dog was scared of lot of things like our tone, rags, and it was very difficult having her for months and then she got over her truama and was no longer afraid and didn’t easily pee anymore and was no longer disobedient. We just had to earn her trust. My grandmother has acted abusive verbally so I was afraid of her as an adult because of stories my mom was telling about her. When her Alzheimer’s got worse, she had more wild mood swings and emotions and would mistreat her caregivers. My mom thinks she was Bipolar. Plus before her Alzheimer’s got worse, she just hid it more or unless my mom hid it from us kids but she has told me stories like when we were children, she referred her sister in law as the bitch and would tell her sons she wanted that bitch out of her house. She had issues with jealousy and would get jealous and she never treated her daughter in laws well. My mom kept this from me and my brothers because she wanted us to have a good relationship with her and not be afraid of her or have our opinions about her be influenced by her stories. Mom made sure to never tell anything bad about our grandmother in front of us. But I did get afraid of her when she started to tell them in front of me and tell them to me as if she thought I could handle that part about her but I didn’t because I became afraid of my own grandmother. I didn’t want to be her victim so I was afraid and didn’t want to be around her anymore because I was worried she would go off on me and I never take it well when people mistreat me. Then it doesn’t help when people give me excuses about them and expect me to be understanding and just accept the abuse because “Oh she is just old and probably doesn’t remember she did it.” I was actually told that when I was 15 and my grandfather sided with her than with me and I was the child and she was the adult. But my aunt and my dad told me she is old so old people do those things and she probably doesn’t even remember it. But when her Alzheimer’s got real bad, her abusive behavior went away due to her short term memory being wiped so I no longer feared her and I was able to see her again and not be afraid. But I was not able to have any conversations with her.

When someone has a mental illness or a disorder (excluding personality disorders) you are expected to be understanding and have compassion or else you are seen as being ignorant when you have been hurt by them and talk about what they have done to you and how they have treated you that was abusive or hurtful.

I can’t count how many times I have seen people on the autism spectrum say how ignorant and narcissist NTs are for being hurt and abused by their “AS” partner and being called un understanding and being called bigots and I can’t count how many times I have seen them also say how discriminating someone is for writing about being abused and neglected by their “AS” parent and I think it’s too much to ask for a child to be understanding. These are children, you can’t expect them to accommodate their parents and have them turn out fine when they are adults. I have noticed it seems to be politically incorrect to be abused by an autistic person so you are better off not identifying them as such or else you won’t get sympathy so it’s no surprising to see people say how their abusers faked an illness or a disorder to get away with their abuse. If people just pretend their partners were normal or just say they had a personality disorder or not mention any disorder at all, they will get sympathy and not be re triggered if anyone stands up for their abuser because of a disorder they had.

Now I am asking how do we know they faked it. I understand how it’s so taboo to be abused by someone with a mental illness or a disability because people then dismiss your feelings and treat you as the bad guy and that doesn’t help you at all. It’s invalidating and it’s like your feelings don’t matter.

There was a thread again on narcissisticabuse subreddit on Reddit about someone faking an illness. The thread was titled “NEX faking amnesia” and another person wrote in their reply theirs faked something to get a medical Marijuana card and another person wrote theirs faked suicide attempts and I wrote I am sure mine faked theirs. Then the OP told me her nex faked a head injury to make her feel sorry for him and use it as an excuse to be a horrible person.

Why is it that when someone has a disorder, the victims are expected to be understanding and non affected by their abuse? Even people won’t label that person as an abuser if they have a disorder but ironically on Wrongplanet I have seen members there tell NT users that their “AS” partner is just abusive and that isn’t autism. So at least not all of them stick up for an “aspie.” Even in a aspie Facebook group, back when I still identified Jerry as an aspie, someone posted a question asking if anyone has ever been in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like so I answered and the response I got from someone was I had described an asshole and anyone can be one and it had nothing to do with AS. I was embarrassed and I felt bad and I wasn’t trying to bad talk AS and trying to say it was all aspie behavior. I was just answering a question about being in a relationship with an aspie and what it was like but that was just an example about how taboo it is to be in a toxic relationship with someone with it. It offends people. So when I stopped identifying her as one, I now don’t have to say what being with an aspie was like in a relationship. I now don’t have to say I dated an aspie one time and it was horrible. I don’t have to pretend by staying silent about it. Just as long as she didn’t have it, I am not pretending. I am not being silent. I don’t have to hide. I wouldn’t answer a question to someone if they asked if anyone has ever dated anyone with cerebral palsy because Jerry didn’t have it so I am not being silent about that because she didn’t have it so not answering a question about dating an aspie is the same thing. I solved my own problem. But looking on the bright side, at least I didn’t get accused of being ignorant or a bigot or a hateful person or non understanding. So not all autistic people think someone is non understanding for being in a bad relationship with an aspie.

I had AS and aspie in quotes in this post because usually they are not even diagnosed, just their partner putting that armchair label on them to explain their abusive or asshole or cold behavior.

I have seen a post on Reddit by an abused victim about their parent faking dementia but admitted it’s so hard to tell if it’s real or an act. The mother was in her early 60’s. So this is a trend I have been noticing about victims saying their abuser is faking a condition. So I tried asking on Reddit how can we tell if their condition is real or fake and if are we just saying they are faking it. How do I know Jerry wasn’t faking any of hers? My mom thought she was faking her PTSD and telling me she knew nothing about AS and doesn’t know what it is. I remember her telling me that back in 2007. But yet she didn’t think Jayden was faking anything when we were together and told me he might be a schizophrenic or might be mentally ill and I didn’t believe her then because it was just her opinion and she wasn’t a psychiatrist. But it turns out she was right and she told me “I told you he was ill” when I showed her the online court document about his parents divorce and it mentioned him being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and his mother helps him with daily assistance. But she still thinks he was an asshole and reminded me anyone can be an asshole. So at least my mom doesn’t undiagnose everyone if they are abusive because she didn’t say our former dog’s owner was faking being senile and reminded me anyone can be abusive. She also didn’t say Jayden was faking having ADHD because she told me he had more going on than ADHD.

Family ignorance

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

I saw another question being posted online asking if anyone had ever had to endure bullying in the family.

Occasionally my brothers and their friends would deliberately make messes to stress me out and run off and hide or take my Barbies and pull the clothes off them and put them in my dollhouse having them hanging out of windows and denying they did it. This was about it. The rest was just typical sibling annoyance like going in my room, whining, messing with my dollhouse or playhouse and they were little so they didn’t know any better. I know my youngest brother didn’t whine to piss any of us off, that was just who he is. That was not bullying there, only when they would deliberately make messes to stress me out and what they did with my Barbies.

But when my brothers got older, they started to have friends over more and more often because they had reached the age where kids start to socialize and chit chat and always have their friends around. It started to get too much for me to handle because they would be in my personal space, make too much noise, make messes and move too many things around. I did not like it at all so it would stress me out. That was when my parents started to change. They would get mad at me for my anxiety and that started to make it worse so I got worse. I remember when i pointed this out to them, they said they didn’t change I did. Yes the gaslighting behavior I had to face. They didn’t see my perspective and see it from my side so they denied denied any change and said I was the one who changed. But meanwhile my brothers seemed to get worse and worse all because they were getting older and louder and I didn’t understand why I had all of a sudden gotten more sensitive to the noise and why I was having more anxiety than before. But no one gave a damn, it was made out to be my fault and even the pills didn’t work because I still had it. Maybe if I took them every day instead of when I was having anxiety, maybe they would have been effective.

Another problem I faced was lack of understanding from my family. My brothers were still too young to understand my condition so they just ignored my needs and my problems. They just kept on minding their own business and doing what they were doing not even paying attention to my behavior and my anxiety. I remember the nights of not being able to relax and sleep because I was so worried about my brothers making messes and it didn’t help when my parents would get mad at me about it.

Then we moved into our new house and that was exciting. We had lots of room now. But my anxiety was still worse because my dad decided to bring home a new puppy who wouldn’t learn to pee outside because he had his bathroom all backwards. Then it didn’t help that no one wanted to house train it and pay attention to it so tremendous anxiety I had. Then when that puppy passed away, I was better again but I still had anxiety because of lack of understanding from my family. Whenever my brothers had parties, I would get worse again due to the anxiety. There would be messes and I hated messes and it would stress me out. Also no one would pick up after themselves and I was very obsessive about a clean house and I would have anxiety about dirt and crumbs and dirty dishes in the sink or laying all over.

I remember I felt abused because I was having all this anxiety so it felt like I was being abused and tortured and tormented because everyone kept doing things that was stressing me out and they knew it did but they kept on doing it. When I tried to tell this to my mother, she just went “You only want to move out because you just want your way.” That was hurtful because that was implying I was just having a tantrum and being controlling. It was very invalidating. How hard is it to just wipe up your crumbs or just throw away garbage or put something away when you are done with it or how hard is to wipe up your spill or mess or when you do a drop on the floor? But her just saying I wanted my way makes it sound like I was only having tantrums and being manipulative to get what I want and that I was choosing to have anxiety and being all stressed out or that I was faking it. What happened to the mother that used to understand me? She said I was the one who changed, not her and I was just screaming like a two year old. I think she said that to justify her treatment of me than admitting she lacked compassion and understanding. I have been noticing a lot of people have narcissistic tenancies but it doesn’t mean they are narcissists nor does it mean they have NPD. My mom had that N tenancy. Avoiding responsibility, putting the blame on me, the gaslighting, finding excuses to justify her behavior. But I think it only becomes narcissist when they do it all the time and my mom doesn’t do it all the time. She only does it in certain areas but not in most areas. I don’t think she will ever understand and I don’t bother trying to explain it to her because I don’t want to deal with this and having all the blame thrown on me because that is like blaming it on an autistic person or on someone for being deaf or for being sick with a mental illness and I feel that is what she is doing with me. She is acting like I did this all on purpose and I acted it all out and I was being manipulative and having tantrums to get my way. She is acting like I wanted to be that way. No she never apologized for her cold behavior and for saying that or for her lack of understanding. That is why I think she still doesn’t get it. She doesn’t have anxiety, she is not in my head so what would she know. She doesn’t even know ASD gets worse in adolescence or she would have understood that in me. Even then I thought I was going crazy and I didn’t understand what was going on and why has it gotten worse for me? I even feel sometimes to this day that maybe I acted all that out and faked it and maybe I really was just being a bitch and wanted my way and I was using anxiety as an excuse. I even feel I should have tried harder and hold in my feelings and try and suffer in silence instead of showing it.

My therapist was no help either because he didn’t seem to have an understanding because he kept saying I was a police woman and using my own condition against me by saying “when people tell you to stop yelling, do you stop?” That is like telling someone “When people tell you to stop having a sensory overload, do you stop?” Also he acted like I wanted my way because he was saying how everyone puts up with stuff and my parents put up with the messes and noise for one night. For me it was pure torture while for most people it might just be an annoyance. For me it was beyond annoyance. But no one cared.

My mom also thought I was trying to be Asperger’s as if I wanted to have all that anxiety and always be so stressed out and always have daily meltdowns due to the chaos they were doing. Then she blamed it on my school counselor so she fired him. I think she just needed someone to blame and it was him because of what he said but I wonder what would have happened if he had said I had anxiety instead of Asperger’s. Then what? But I think she was just so upset because I had gotten worse due to the anxiety and my brothers getting older and what they were doing and their lack of following my rules so that made me worse so I think my mother needed him to blame. She just needed an excuse for me and used him because he became the culprit because of what he said. But she had accidentally found out from that that he wasn’t the right person for me to be seeing because he didn’t think I could get better, he didn’t say “it will get better once she gets passed these teens and she is out on her own.” He didn’t show sympathy for my mother. He also didn’t have faith in me and he told her my parents were wasting their money on me seeing a therapist and saying I will always be that way. So she was right to fire him due to that reason than for the other thing. Plus he was just giving me excuses and wasn’t teaching me how to cope and get better and he didn’t have a PH D but was acting like he was a therapist instead of just a counselor. So of how much he told me, I have no idea if it was BS or not.

But since my mom had told me my therapist had gotten me mad on purpose to get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings, I wonder if he was being ignorant of my anxiety on purpose to piss me off. Mom told me he wanted me to get mad at him and hate on him so I would get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings from over the years. Now I don’t know anymore of how much he said was truthful or just him trying to piss me off.

But once my brothers got to high school, they started to follow my rules so instead of being loud and doing running in and out of the house, they started to be quiet and stay in their area and taking off their shoes. I then started to not notice when my brothers were having parties or had friends over because they would be so quiet. They still watched TV and talked and played video games but they were not acting all wild like teens do when they hang out. My brothers finally were older so they started to understand and found a compromise. Then I was acting normal because of no more anxiety. I was calm and they were not doing all that chaos. So I got better again because of less anxiety. Then I moved out like I’ve always wanted since I was 16.

I am sure if I were to compare this to abuse and torment and bullying and saying that is what it was like for me and it was like they were doing it intentionally to upset me and make me stressed out and uncomfortable because I had already told them how it made me feel and how I don’t like it and how much it upsets me, it might come off as manipulation because they are not in my head so what would they know? They would just think I am just saying this to be manipulative and that I wanted my way and still trying to do that. So that is why I don’t really talk about it and I just keep it to myself and only share it online because I am sure they would understand, those who suffer from anxiety, those who suffer from OCD, those who suffer from autism or sensory processing disorder. But anyone else reading this, I am sure they would just think I am whining and being a cry baby because what would they know if they have never experienced it?

 

 

Regret vs Remorse

Sunday, September 25th, 2016

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201507/regret-vs-remorse

I found an article about Borderline and narcissistic regret vs remorse. My ex had told me in a comment here that she has BPD. That is very similar to NPD because they are often compared and people saying they are both the same to victims. Some don’t even know if they are both or which one they have because of the overlap.

I remember when I was on my ex’s Facebook page, I saw one where she said she lost the only woman she loved. I thought that was some joke and I wasn’t sure if she was talking about me. She could have been talking about someone else. She might have met another woman and lost her. But anyway the first thought that came to my head was “You ignored me so can she say she lost me?” Then I started wondering why she would quit answering her phone in the first place. Did she think I would stick around if I was being treated that way?

Also one of their hallmarks is their lack of truly being sorry. My ex was not sorry for how she treated me. She denied it instead and used her diagnoses as a cop out. Instead of taking responsibility she threw the “I really wish you would read about my diagnoses so you can understand me better.” She also told me she is sorry for how I fee.l and she told me what she read here was upsetting. I think she felt that way because she didn’t like how I was reacting about it and feeling. The article sums it up right here about this behavior she did.

BP/NPs don’t take responsibility for their own moods or actions, so they don’t feel remorse.  Instead, they typically feel angry at you for reacting negatively to their actions.  They rarely even notice that they have hurt your feelings or insulted you or put down your opinions or views.  When you point out that they have done something hurtful, they blame you for “being too sensitive” or too judgmental or just unloving.

I remember in the relationship, I was trying very hard to figure out how to word things and how to say things so my ex wouldn’t get upset with me. Then I would blame it on myself thinking my communication was wrong and I can’t say anything right. The reason why other people don’t react the way they do and cry is because they can control their emotions and hold them in, she doesn’t do that. It also created lot of stress for me because I had all these thoughts in my brain and I couldn’t even talk about them because it would upset her so I was left alone with these intrusive thoughts. I can talk to my husband about it and he wouldn’t get upset with me even though he has admitted it’s hard work for him because he then has to calm me down. But he still does it because he loves me and he doesn’t like me being upset. I don’t like being this way either so that is why he handles all the finances and doesn’t tell me how much money we have and I just use my credit card and he pays it off. I don’t go overboard with spending. My husband is also good with finances and he doesn’t buy stuff we can’t afford so I trust we won’t go broke or go below in our bank account. If I had stayed with my ex, none of this wouldn’t happen and I would be alone with my intrusive thoughts and it would have been very stressful.

The moment I got the comment from my ex was a typical narc apology. I know because I have lurked on forums about it and read blogs about it and have seen people post their narc apologies that were sent to them by their ex or narc parent. Their letters are usually calm and not angry or hostile. My ex’s letter was calm and there was no tension in it or any anger. They will also deny the things they did and say how sorry they are for you feeling a certain way about them or say how sorry they are for you not having a happy childhood. They never apologize for how they acted and treated you. There is also gaslighting in it. My ex did some gaslighting by saying she didn’t do any of the stuff I said she did.

I have noticed a pattern with abusers. They seem to forget the abuse they have done to their victims and that behavior is always harmful for the victim. I have wondered if they regret so much what they did they truly forget about their abuse as some form of coping mechanism because they can’t cope with their feeling of regret or even guilt so it’s easy to just forget so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. But then that means they wouldn’t have to take responsibility over what they did. My mother used to tell me when I was 10-12 “just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.” Even as a kid if I had no memory of doing something, I wasn’t off the hook, people didn’t move on. They still had to talk about it and make a big deal about it and to me it was over and done with because I lived in the moment and this was a problem for everyone around me. I cannot imagine how much gaslighting I must have been doing growing up and how many times I must have invalidated feelings. Just because something wasn’t a big deal to me, I couldn’t understand why it would be a big deal to someone else and why they were still obsessing over it so I made it be their problem. This is a common characteristic in BPD and NPD. Gosh no wonder so many kids thought I was mean and selfish and not caring. I looked normal and looked like everyone else. I didn’t even look like I had problems so how would the other kids know I had problems?

But no one around me was stupid because they remembered and knew it full well happened even if I denied it or didn’t make a big deal about it and got annoyed with them when they would obsess about it.

Do people with NPD and BPD live in the moment? I don’t think so. I think it’s just about avoiding responsibility and them thinking it’s not their fault.

And because my mother did drill into my head about just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it never happened, I did start to believe things I did other kids would tell me I did so for two years I believed I shoved a plastic fork in a kid’s neck and it stuck there. Why? Because other kids told me I did it but then in my Freshman year, a boy told me at a dance party that never happened and the kid just made it up to make himself look cool. So after that I am back to trusting my own thoughts and not believes what people tell me about myself. It’s either pics or it didn’t happen. If it’s anything minor, I won’t argue about it and deny it because it wouldn’t be worth fighting about.  My mom told me years later in my adult years that if she had known about the fork incident, she would have told me it never happened because if it did, I would have been charged with assault and taken away and be put in a juvenile detention center.

 

Thursday, September 15th, 2016

40 Signs You’re Being Abused By A Narcissist

I fit these when I was with Jerry:

  1. You no longer recognize yourself.
  2. Your emotions are all over the place. You feel angry, sad, anxious, ashamed, guilty, bad and afraid.
  3. You feel crazy. You just know there is something wrong with you.
  4. Your mood depends on the state of your relationship.
  5. You can’t seem to make your partner happy no matter what you do. You try to be perfect, and even when you think you are pleasing your partner, they find something wrong with you.
  6. You feel as if you have no voice. You are afraid to express any negative emotions whether they are about your partner or your bad day at work. No matter what you say your partner will take it personally and make it about them
  7. You try to carefully control your words, actions, tone of voice and any details you share with your partner out of fear of upsetting them.
  8. You feel afraid of your partner and fear what he might do next. (yes after she cursed at me on the phone raising her voice and hanging up on me)
  9. You feel hopeless.
  10. You cry a lot. This could be in front of him when he hurts you or you could do it privately while locked in a bathroom, closet or after your partner falls asleep.
  11. You do what he wants out of fear that he will punish you with the silent treatment, cheating or withholding love and affection. (She never cheated so I didn’t fear that, I feared she would be upset with me and would ignore me because she would see me as a baby or like a little kid)
  12. You feel that no other man will ever want you.
  13. You feel worthless.
  14. You are anxious and overwhelmed by your life.
  15. You make excuses for your partner’s bad behavior. You tell yourself he didn’t mean the cruel things he said. If you didn’t make him so angry he wouldn’t say that. (I did make excuses for her behavior and thought she didn’t mean the things she was doing and she would never tell me things that were not true because she is honest)
  16. You cling to the false hope that if things could just go back to the way they were in the beginning, you would get your happily ever after.
  17. You believe if you change, your narcissistic partner will change and you will have a happy relationship.

 

I made nearly half the list of my ex. Some others didn’t apply. If I saw this list years back, I might have scoffed at the ones I relate to thinking it’s a distortion in my head and think “that was different.” But abuse is abuse right and they don’t have to be a narcissist for this list to apply. Just change the title to “40 signs you are in a abusive relationship.”

My ex might be dying.

Saturday, September 10th, 2016

It’s amazing how one can still feel bad and have sympathy for their ex who was abusive. When I stalked mine because I was curious about how his life turned out and if he ever got custody of his kid and if he ever found anyone else and if he ever moved to be closer to his child, what I found instead was she came out as transgender, was suffering from multiple scoliosis and her whole Facebook page was filled with sad sad stories about how bad her life is and I couldn’t help but feel sad for her because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.

Down the Rabbit Hole

redemption

My MN ex may have cancer.   He’s been coughing up blood a lot and has been a heavy smoker for years, and also smokes a lot of weed too.  He’s also been losing a lot of weight.  He tells my daughter he doesn’t think he has much time left.

He’s covered by Medicare (SSDI), but he’s terrified to go see a doctor.    I don’t blame him actually.  I’d be terrified too.

He told my daughter if he has cancer, he just wants to let nature take its course and doesn’t want treatment.  He’s a very high spectrum malignant narcissist, but he hates himself and his life.  What he lives is not a life, it’s an existence.   He’s just marking time until death, and he’s not even that old (he’s 55, but looks 70).

Although I can’t stand him anymore and refuse to have further contact with him…

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Dealing with self doubt

Friday, September 9th, 2016

 

Lately I have been feeling if I made this all up about the abuse because I was so hurt in it so I needed to make it up to make myself feel better. But yet I can relate to the stories I read about being with a narcissist. Please note that when you read about domestic abuse, it’s always about narcissists, never about someone who has many issues or someone who is “normal” but likes control. I wonder if I have been dealing with cognitive distortions because you can read about something and it might seem like it fits but that is not what is going on. It’s like how you can google a symptom and a bunch of medical conditions pop up but it doesn’t mean that is what is going on, same with disorders.

My memories feel so real but I know I am not a schizophrenic. If I was, then I would have already been in treatment and be on medicine for it and my parents would have noticed because no way would they have let me fall into despair and let me get sicker and sicker. Plus I would have had other delusions than just this and I would have showed other symptoms. My husband would have noticed too if I were sick.

Plus my parents were there when I was with Jerry. They heard him argue with me when I would talk to them on the phone, him telling me what to say and him asking what we were talking about. Plus my mom remembers how I would abruptly hang up when he would come home and my mom told me the story about how I called her one time and I was crying but she couldn’t remember what I was upset about and then all of a sudden I say “Oh no he is coming out, I gotta go” and I hung up. My mother decided they were coming out there to try and get me to live with my aunt and uncle. But this can’t be a cognitive distortion can it?

But I know the abuser can make you self doubt and make you question yourself. I just have to go back and remember what my parents told me, how he acted towards me and tell myself this is all real, it really happened, you are not crazy. You are not lying to yourself or creating these fake memories, that is what they want you to think. Remember what you read online about gaslighting and how the victims self doubt and wonder if they are crazy. If you are still getting triggers and flashbacks, it is most likely real. Don’t let anyone make you self doubt. They were not there and if they have never experienced domestic abuse, they wouldn’t know what they are talking about. If your former ex comes back and acts like they did nothing wrong or acts like they don’t understand why you feel this way and they say they never did those things and if they do contradictions, don’t let them make you self doubt.

But what if the abuser claims to have medical diagnoses, that makes it even more confusing. But that is what they want right? Make you self doubt, make you question yourself, make you think what differently you could have done.  Remember that. Don’t let them make you self doubt.

A genuine person would have told you how sorry they are for everything they put you through and apologize for everything they have done than denying it. They would have validated your feelings and apologize for how they made you feel and what they did to you. They might tell you what they have found out about themselves and say they are working on it and seeing a doctor but they wouldn’t demand you read about their diagnoses to understand them better. They wouldn’t say “Sorry you feel that way about me” or say other things like “Sorry you felt that way” “Sorry you think I did those things” and they wouldn’t toss their medical labels at you and tell them how they wish you would read about them and understand them better. That is like they have basically admitted to how they treated you but they are saying they are not responsible for it and you have to put up with it and deal with it. They are avoiding responsibility. A genuine person might also say they don’t blame you for how you feel and they would understand if you don’t respond to them. Think about how you would want someone to apologize to you if they treated you horribly. That is how you do a genuine apology if you wanted to do amends to the people you have hurt. Never put the blame on them. Take full responsibility, don’t make excuses.

Will the Real Victim Please Stand Up

Friday, September 9th, 2016

After Narcissistic Abuse

true vs false victim

It’s NOT EASY using the V word.

Personally, I don’t LIKE it. It’s not a word I’ve used to describe myself through very many situations in my life, because I am the kind of person who takes responsibility for things that happen to me. While, I certainly had choices and consequences (thus responsibility) in my relationship with a narcissist as an adult – it is the only experience I think the V label accurately describes and depicts.

I was caught unaware. I was told things that weren’t true. By relying on those things, I made decisions that put me in harms way. I was sold a bill of goods and promises by a person who was well aware that they had no intention of ever delivering on those promises nor being capable of being a good person towards me, so that he could use me for things that benefited one…

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