Archive for the ‘ADHD’ Tag

It doesn’t have to be intentional for it to be abuse

Sunday, November 13th, 2016

This is controversial because many people will disagree that abuse can be unintentional. I have talked about before in this blog how I can see myself doing financial abuse due to my money anxiety so that was why my husband took over the finances. I was driving him crazy with my anxiety about money he felt he couldn’t live a life because I would freak out if I found out he had spent a dollar and I was already talking about taking away his cards so I wouldn’t have to worry about him spending any money and having anxiety. This wasn’t about control, it was about my comfort zone and to relieve my anxiety to make my life calmer and to feel in control of my life again because of the unknown and my husband wasn’t supporting that. This is an example of unintentional abuse and how a mental illness or a disorder can attribute to abuse.

What about a parent who isn’t aware their kid has a disability because they look normal and seem normal. Asperger’s is a hidden disorder and so is ADHD and anxiety and other things that makes the kid act different. So what if the parent was unaware their kid had anxiety so they were always getting mad at them for their fears and over reaction and calling them a baby and forcing them into situations they feel uncomfortable in. At age six I was forced to ride on a big ferris wheel and my mom and dad didn’t care about my fear of it and the reason why I was scared was because I was worried it would give me this feeling in my stomach that some rides give you and I didn’t like that feeling and I had been on a ferris wheel that gave me that feeling so I felt too nervous to ride on one again that went too high up. Lot of people will agree that it is cruel to scare your child but that is what my parents did to me, they scared me and forced me into something I feared and got mad at me for crying and for being scared and didn’t give rats ass. I would call this unintentional abuse. I don’t think they did it to be cruel. Most people are not afraid of ferris wheels so how were they supposed to know my fear was real? They were ignorant then. My dad is still ignorant about my anxiety. I don’t fear ferris wheels anymore. Back then being forced on it was like walking the green mile or walking to the torture device because you know what is going to happen and you don’t know what is going to happen like how much pain you will feel, if it will hurt or not. That was how I felt going on that ride. I didn’t know how bad it would be, how much it will be scary and how bad the feeling in my tummy would be when we go down. I realize I probably did have anxiety as a young child but it wasn’t prominent then so no one knew. Instead I would be told to stop or being called a baby so therefore my feelings would be invalidated and I did feel then as a young child that my mom didn’t care about me. I just assumed then she knew because I didn’t know my feelings were not normal and my mom had assumed my feelings were normal but was over reacting or just whining. Ironically my mom is against people scaring kids and breaking them by making them fear you so they will listen but yet she did the exact same thing  to me when I was a kid. Then the time I didn’t have anxiety about being dumped on the side of the road because I figured I would just hitchhike home, my mom was mad because I didn’t have beg her to not leave me on the side of the road. Yes that is fear right there you are doing to your kids and you say it’s not good to scare your children?

Then there is ADHD. I can’t count how many times I have read online by people who grew up with undiagnosed ADD or ADHD, they always got in trouble for losing things and always got in trouble for not being able to sit still or pay attention or for forgetting things, etc. It was as if they were abused. I would call their abuse unintentional because no one was aware of their ADD then. I can’t imagine how hard their life must have been the the anxiety they must have had growing up and the low self esteem.

But because abuse implies intent, people will say they were not abused or say someone they know isn’t abusive because they know their partner or child doesn’t do it on purpose. Then of course when someone has a mental illness, their victims may still call them abusive and say their actions are intentional.

What about those who suffer from NPD or BPD, they tend to lack self awareness. They may not see themselves as being abusive. I noticed on the forum on Reddit by BPD victims that the borderliners tend to rewrite history so they have “amnesia” about their abuse they did to their child or partner. Jerry seemed to have rewritten hers when she said she did none of that stuff I said she did except for “taking too long” to give me back my Dish Network piece. Also people with BPD don’t realize they are being manipulative and may not see their behavior as manipulative because to their perspective they are just trying to get their needs met like everyone else. But that never matters to the victim. It only matters what the borderliner is doing, not their intention behind it.

Then there are people who have NPD and they also seem to lack awareness of their own behavior so to me it seems like their behavior is unintentional if they are unaware which is why it’s probably a disorder, an illness. Many people disagree that personality disorders are a mental illness and want to keep these separated from mental illnesses. But the truth is mental illness is also a spectrum. It can range from evil to none evil. Maybe people like to separate personality disorders from a mental illness because they don’t want the stigma on mental illness.

In a way I do feel sorry for those who have NPD and BPD because they are their own worst enemies and they didn’t choose to be that way and I can’t imagine having those disorders and hurting people and not even being aware and seeing myself as the victim. I cannot imagine having a disorder only to find out my own emotions are wrong and my feelings are wrong and not knowing when they are valid and not being entitled to them. We often hear that everyone is entitled to their feelings and that people should trust their gut instinct but that doesn’t seem to apply to those who have BPD. That only applies to “normal” people. Most stuff we read out there is aimed at normal people assuming whoever is reading it is “normal.”

I have anxiety but stuff I find online about what to do about yelling at your kids, none of the advice I read is helpful because it’s all about staying calm and stuff but what do you do if your kids are the ones giving you anxiety and you can’t be calm unless your kids stop? There is no parenting articles out there aimed at parents with autism or anxiety about yelling at your kids. And too much yelling is abuse so that would mean I am doing unintentional abuse.

Because abuse often implies intent and also has a bad stigma to it, no one wants to see themselves as an abuser even if their actions are abusive. Even the loved one doesn’t want to see their child or partner as abusive especially if they have trauma or a disorder or came from an abusive background themselves where they grew up around anger and abuse or neglect. I didn’t want to see Jerry as an abuser when I was with her so I always defended her and made excuses for her like she has anxiety, she is worried about what people might think of her, she has PTSD, she has AS so she is just being honest, her ex called her a pedophile so now she ignores me if I am not acting mature enough for her. But all that did was it hurt me and I let that all happen instead of sticking up for myself and now I have myself to blame. So that is why I will never ever let anyone abuse me again and no disorder or mental illness will change that and only their actions and how they treat me matter, not their intentions and I don’t care what their intentions are or if it’s on purpose or not. I need to care about my own mental health and protect myself from any abuse. I also need to stay away from anyone who is abusive. I still get triggers to this day from certain things I read when something reminds me of Jerry. I even had to block someone on a forum when she made a trigger post and what she was writing were similar feelings to what Jerry had so I took a great dislike to her and blocked her because she was triggering. But I wasn’t the only one who had blocked her because she had left that forum and I saw her posting elsewhere online saying she was ignored because people didn’t agree with her views. Her views? Is she shitting me, she was a bigot on ABDLs and then pulling the “I still love you” crap like Barney. Ugh.

Now here is an article that talks about unintentional abuse but it’s about parents doing it:

Understanding Unintentional Abuse

 

 

Imposter Syndrome

Sunday, July 17th, 2016

I had been thinking just now. In the movie Dumbo, he was singled out and made fun of because of his big ears. Did that mean he had something wrong with him and he was abnormal? He just had oversized ears. The other elephants just didn’t tolerate it and kids laughed at him about it and his mother tried to protect him only to be mistaken as a mad elephant. I am sure many people with disabilities can relate to this movie.

In Beauty and the Beast, Belle liked to read and the whole town made fun of her. Did that mean she is abnormal and had something wrong with her? She just had a different interest than other people, she liked to read and be in her own world and be somewhere else. Her own father liked to invent things, did that mean he had something wrong with him? The whole village thought he was crazy too but yet they all liked Gaston. I am sure people with disabilities, especially those with autism could relate to her and her dad because of their interests.

Then there is Ariel, she had an obsession with humans and liked collecting human things. Did that make her abnormal and mean she had something wrong with her? She didn’t conform to her kingdom norms and she kept on disobeying her father. She had her own ideas and kept following her dream and even sacrificed her voice to be with a human she was in love with. She was also in her own world because she didn’t seem to interact with her sisters. She was just too into her human interest. I am sure autistic people and introverts could relate to her.

I have noticed Disney had already made movies about differences and how some people are just different than others and making other characters make fun of them and single them out and I never thought there was something wrong with Dumbo, Belle, and Ariel. They also did it again with Finding Dory but I have yet to see the movie. I heard they had other birds make fun of this one bird and that caused a controversy. To me this was nothing new and they had already done it in their other movies which is what I had already listed.

I on the other hand communicate different, approach people different, see things differently, learn differently, I function differently and I care about people differently. What if my mother was right all along and there is nothing wrong with me? What if I don’t have a disorder and it was just other kids that were the problem and the school staff? They just didn’t understand me because I wasn’t like them so they treated me as if I were abnormal. What if it’s other people that are the problem so they ignore me? I don’t mind really because I don’t like to be bothered and I prefer to read or play my game than chit chat and being interrupted. What if that part of me is just a difference than a disability? What if I don’t have anxiety and I am just mistaken as having it because of my differences? What if I don’t have a learning disability? What if I don’t have a true disability and I am just normal? What if my mother was right and it was actually other people who are the problem? It’s a shame how intolerant people are of differences so they treat you like you have something wrong with you. Then you are dealing with “impairments” because of ignorant people who are acting like a bunch of narcissists.

I am sure there are people out there who get diagnosed with a disorder when they clearly don’t have one and their problem is just with people who don’t understand. I often see autistic people arguing that autism isn’t a disability, it’s just a difference, what if those people don’t have autism either and they are just different? They are not disabled, they do not have a disorder, they are just different but they are diagnosed because of people so a label gets placed on them? I believe the high functioning ones, especially the ones who are close to normal think like this. The ones who are truly handicapped by it wouldn’t be saying this.

Just where do we draw the line for differences and disability? Just when does difference become a disability? What if their differences was holding them back and giving them road blocks because of the way life is set up and it’s not made for their difference and what if too many people around them were just ignorant of differences so it impacted their life, is that when a doctor diagnoses them?

I am on SSDI and I often wonder if I truly belong on it and I just need to try harder or is it just my difference because of the way life is set up and ignorant people so I am seen as disabled by society?

I am reading The Difficult Child and I am puzzled about how can these children not have anything wrong with them, how can they be normal? Their differences is putting a strain on their families and affecting their learning environment and their peers and it’s also impacting their lives so how is this not a disorder they have? It’s giving them an impairment. Stanley Turecki could be one of those doctors who don’t like to label kids and he sees everyone as normal. Of course he doesn’t deny disorders don’t exist. What I learned in his book that was revised in 1989 is even kids back in the 80’s were being diagnosed when they isn’t anything wrong with them and they are just difficult so it’s not anything new that kids today are being diagnosed with disorders now just because they are different. This book gives me a different perspective and helps me understand where my mom comes from when she says I am normal and have nothing wrong with me. She read this book when I was a kid because I remember seeing her reading it and back when I saw the front cover, I felt bad because I knew I was a difficult child or else she wouldn’t be reading it. She never wanted to take me to any developmental specialists, she only took me to clinical psychologists who work with kids who have problems. That includes anxiety, depression, anger, ADHD, learning disabilities, OCD, etc but not developmental disorders or language disorders. I can also see why now she didn’t tell me about ADD or sensory processing disorder or dyspraxia when I was in 4th and 5th grade and 6th grade when I would ask what was wrong with me. She said she didn’t know what was wrong with me either and she might not have agreed with those diagnoses even though she did tell me when I was 15 I did have dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder but I had grown out of them. I asked her about ADD and she said I truly had it. But then imposter syndrome still kicks in again because I am thinking again “but what if I didn’t have any of these?” Turecki mentioned sensory issues in his book and he implied these things were normal in difficult children and he wrote difficult children are normal. But then again how can they be considered normal if they put a strain on their siblings and parents and if their issues impact their life and affecting their learning environment? When does it become a disorder?

To my mother normal means functional in society so that would mean Temple Grandin is normal and Bones. They both function well in society and get along with people even though Grandin prefers isolation. But she is still functional because she has appropriate behavior and social skills and she has a job and lives on her own and takes care of herself well. I have seen some episodes of Bones and she is also functional in that despite her poor social skills. She lives on her own, can talk to people, have conversations, gets along with everyone. I am sure my mother would consider Helen Keller as normal. Yeah she was blind and deaf but she was still functional. I wonder if she would consider my husband as normal. He isolates himself in the basement playing his computer game all day long and he doesn’t like to be around people he isn’t familiar with. He shuts down in them and he also has bad feet so it limits his daily life. The more he uses his feet, the more pain he is in and the more he has to rest them so he ends up not being able to do much because he has to rest them. They hurt too much for him to use them. When they are not hurting as bad, he can stand on them and do more until he sits down again and then he can barely walk. So using wheelchairs on our Wisconsin trip was a life saver because it allowed him to enjoy the trip because he didn’t have to use his feet and we used a wheelchair whenever they were available and we used one at the airports for him.

Has society created more disabilities

Sunday, May 15th, 2016

I have been reading stuff by Enrico Gnaulati. He speaks uncomfortable truths about ADHD, Bipolar, and autism spectrum disorders being over diagnosed. It’s true that school systems have changed, education has changed, work places have changed and so has getting a job. Even back in the days it seemed like more people who were mentally handicapped were employed and now today they are on social security and living in group homes or at home unemployed and less of them have jobs but yet more of them are employed than people are with autism spectrum disorders.

Enrico writes how autism diagnoses have increased over the years. In 1991, it was 1 in 500 and by 2002 it was 1 in 150 and now today it’s 1 in 68 and he has written several times already how it’s 1 in 42 boys who have autism. But he has also written that toddlers who met the criteria at two no longer fit it at age four and so on. He also wrote about how kids who are in early intervention are more likely to be mislabeled by Kindergarten. Also he has written how slow to mature kids are more likely to be diagnosed. Also he has written how kids can mimic symptoms of Bipolar or autism or ADHD when in fact the kid is going through stress factors, the kid has learned they have to act up to get attention because their parents don’t pay them any attention so if acting up is the only way to get it, they will do it, and also to have ADHD, symptoms have to happen in school and at home, not in school only. If a kid is fine at home but is having symptoms at school, then it’s the classroom that is the problem. Kids are expected to sit still for longer periods of time, recess is less given to kids, recess is taken away, some kids are more active than others, some kids have a different learning style, some are just gifted, some are just introverted.

Enrico also wrote a book called Back to Normal and it’s about when ordinary kids get diagnosed with ADHD, Bipolar, and autism spectrum disorder. You can peek inside the book and read some of it and it goes into detail about how this happens. He is not denying that these conditions exist, some kids do truly have ADHD or autism.

He also wrote somewhere that autism is more diagnosed in the states than it is in the UK because eccentric is more accepted there while in the states, people are placed into square pegs and if you are not in that box, they pathologize your personality.

I had been thinking about what if people are disabled because of society. There are people out there who have true disabilities so no matter what changes, their disability will always be there but for people like me, we are only disabled because of the way the system is. Teachers teach subjects a certain way and you are forced to do them a certain way but if you have a different learning style and it’s not taught in your style, you have a learning disability. Back in my parents’ childhood days, people with poor social skills were just weird and eccentric. Now today they are considered disabled because you now need good social skills for employment. It is no longer acceptable to be different. It used to be so easy to just get a job then but people have gotten less trusting and now you need work experience, cover letters, recommendations and that creates roadblocks for people like me so that makes me disabled. Plus they now have personality tests to screen out people and I think that is a loophole to not hire people who have social disabilities so you would have to lie and you better be good at “faking it.”

Also Enrico wrote about kids who are slow to mature, what if their slow to mature caused them an impairment in school and with their peers? Also what if your differences caused you to be singled out and bullied in school? What if your slow to mature caused you to be misunderstood by your parents so you were in trouble more? Then you graduate and then all of a sudden all your social problems disappear because you are able to find people who accept you and are not intolerant  of differences and plus adults are too busy with their lives to even bother harassing someone who is a little different just because they do not conform to social norms like fashion, interests, socializing.

But I wonder something, can one be autistic in the states but not be autistic in the UK because of different standards? What about people who move to foreign countries but do not speak their language as their primary language? It will not come natural to them so they will always need to translate and I am sure they will find social situations exhausting when talking to people and listening and they might always need an interpreter but yet that wouldn’t be an impairment or a disability?  If they took away their accommodations, they would be disabled in that country until they go back to their fluent speaking country where their language is primary.

Imagine if we took away all the ramps and elevators, then people in wheelchairs and who have problems with going up and down the stairs and who use crutches would be even more disabled. That is how I feel about people who are a bit different. In one country they might have a disability but go to another culture, they don’t have one because of their standards and their social rules that fit with their condition.

I do believe they have stretched autism. It could be because times have changed so now people who were just quirky, eccentric are now struggling so they get labeled as being autistic.

I talked to my husband yesterday saying what if our son is just normal and it’s just the school that is the problem and it doesn’t fit with his personality and what if it’s just us parents with the problem and our standards are just too high. My husband reassured me he does have ADHD and he has been with lots of kids and they don’t act that way and he knows his nephew and he acted the same as our son does. He also told me his symptoms are still there when he is still around him but he is just controlling them better but they are still there so he is trying. I can imagine how much energy he must be using to sit still, not act up, not get into trouble more than an average child who doesn’t have it. But he just controls it less around me because I shut down because I get overwhelmed so I leave.

Only time our son is ever still is when he is playing video games or watching youtube. Of course because it’s a stimulant. That is what I read online about ADHD. They may be fidgety and always on the move but yet they are able to sit still when playing a computer game or when doing something they enjoy because it’s a stimulant for them. But make them sit still during a lecture or when you are talking or during a movie or a game, too hard for them to sit still. But even as a parent I have no idea what behavior is normal for a five year old and what behavior is ADHD. All I can do is compare him to other five year olds but I don’t know any others all the time I can see to know what is normal and what isn’t. But I do know for certain his behavior isn’t normal in school or else other kids there would be having the same trouble as him and I was already having troubles with him at home and in public so I was sure he would be having trouble in school and I was right but with support in place, he has been doing much better. Take it away, he will be back to having behavior issues again and acting worse because he would be having anxiety because he is always in trouble and he would hate school and resent it.

I was even worried what if my behavior was just pathologized when I was a kid and what if my impairments were just bigoted kids and lack of tolerance and there really was nothing wrong with me? What if I was just picked on by school staff? I also had problems at home too but what if I was just slow to develop and mature as Enrico said? What if the only thing I have “wrong” with me is I am just different than having a true impairment? Sure I had a language delay. What if my slow maturity is what gave me problems because of lack of understanding and I am sure all kids get from time to time “How old are you?” “Start acting your age” Quit being a baby” but I heard it a lot as a child so that was a normal thing for me to hear and I never knew how to act my age. I wouldn’t even know I was being immature but I did notice there were rules for how to act and react and each age group had their own rules and it seemed like kids automatically knew those rules and I didn’t. Just imagine being new to a university but no one bothers to hand you their handbook about their campus and that has their policies in it and none of the teachers don’t bother telling you the rules in their classroom like about late work assignments, redoing them, making up for them you missed, and if you are tardy or miss a class, etc. Wouldn’t you be anxious? Wouldn’t you always have to be learning things the hard way and you would probably be asking a bunch of questions because you want to understand and know the rules. When you are a child, you will react differently. You will test your limits and see what you can and can’t do, you will keep on making mistakes and learning that isn’t allowed. You will keep on getting into trouble and it will seem like to the adult you never learn and don’t follow the rules. You can’t expect a child to ask a bunch of questions to learn the rules.

My mother has told me she always knew I had something and she knew I had more going on than just a language delay but then she turns around and says to me a month ago that I am very normal and the only thing I had was a language delay. What? Whatever happened to she knew I had something and what about all these diagnoses I have had before Asperger’s? Was I a victim of labels as Enrico described? Am I just disabled by society because of the way life is set up, the education, work, school? Is this what my mother meant by I am normal, it’s just society that is the problem? Sure I can do anything but the thing is people have to let me do it if they will just hire me instead of requiring experience and cover letters and so on. But my husband has a true disability because he will always have a disability no matter what changes in life. He has severe dyslexia, brain damage so it keeps him from memorizing numbers and letters so it makes him mess up in math so he would be a terrible cashier, he also can’t write due to dyslexia and he would write too slow, he had bad birth defects in his ankles so that also limits him.

I can understand now why so called people who have autism say they are not disabled an they don’t see autism as a disability. I tend to think these ones are on the high end of the spectrum and just quirky and eccentric and I bet they wouldn’t have anything wrong with them if they lived in my parents childhood days, they would just be very smart and eccentric and absent minded. Now today it’s a disability. Their impairment would be society because of their standards they have at work and for education.

I can understand why my mother would say I am not broken, there is nothing wrong with me and big fucking deal if I have Asperger’s and anxiety. There are people with it who are truly disabled by it and more limited because autism is a disabling condition. It is not a quirk or a personality. It’s a shame that people have to get a label thrown at them just so they can get the help they need and so they can function but yet people who are slow learners are fucked because they slip through the cracks. That I don’t understand. It also impairs them too unless they also have a true disability or some other “impairment” that impairs them, then they are not fucked.

But what would Enrico suggest to parents of kids who have different learning styles, are not accepted by their peers due to difference and who are slower to develop but it’s causing them a significant impairment in occupational settings? Not all parents can home school or find a private school to suit their needs. There are people out there who do grow up different and then they become adults and they grow out of their social issues and problems because they learn how to manage them and they can also pick their environment that suits them. Kids don’t get this choice so they have behavior issues in school and get labeled and get special education. Then they become normal when they leave high school, go figure. But then there are people out there who never stop being different. I used to think I would grow out of my learning problems and being different but that never happened. But I did grow out of being treated different and that still happens occasionally. I also grew out of being bullied and harassed. Some people never leave that so is it society that is the problem? Are those people living in the wrong area where everyone is closed minded? Then professionals have to put a label on them and declare them disabled and they end up on Social Security. Then I see people online complain about “moochers” and people “abusing” the system. My argument is if they will start hiring people who are different and stop discriminating based on body language and what clothes they wear and how they live their lives, and get rid of the road blocks, less people would be on Social Security.

So my mom is right, I am not disabled, I am only disabled by society.

Sources:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/04/1-in-68-children-now-has-a-diagnosis-of-autism-spectrum-disorder-why/360482/

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/09/adhd-or-childhood-narcissism/279660/

http://www.salon.com/2013/09/21/thats_not_autism_its_simply_a_brainy_introverted_boy/

My hyperactive son

Monday, December 7th, 2015

He is a great kid and very loyal. he loves his little sister and looks out for her and he loves me and always wants to be with me. But he is so wild and acts out of control and I can’t even get him to do his school work, it’s a struggle so home school would be out of the question. I would be screwed if public school didn’t work for him and there is no way we can afford private school for him when he starts going full days. He also has problems with waiting and being patient. I still love him of course. He is a great kid but he overwhelms me when he is hyper or whiny or doesn’t listen. I hate screaming at him. Today my brother was over with his kids and I had to run to Safeway to get powdered sugar to make the frosting for the sugar cookies and I also got more baby wipes and ordered a cake for my son’s party for this coming weekend. But when I got back, my brother had left and my mom told me he wanted to make cookies and my son’s hyperactivity got too much for the boys so they left. I said to my mother just imagine if he had ADHD, that would be so much worse and my mom said “I think he does.” I said “he’s four, isn’t that normal at this age” and she said “They’re not this hyper” and I said “what is the difference between him and a normal four year old.” She told me he is normal so I said “I meant without ADHD” and she mentioned my nephew and said “Now you know what normal is since you are saying that in front of your kid.” Then i asked if I was like that hyper at his age and she said “No, you don’t have ADHD” and I said “but didn’t I have ADD” and she said “you never had it, you had” and then she cut herself off as if she didn’t want to say the word Asperger’s. I was diagnosed with ADD as a kid so was she telling me now I didn’t have that when she told me I did but it was a misdiagnoses? Maybe she meant ADHD when she said that. He is so full of energy so he always needs movement and he hates being still or waiting long turns. But then he is all calm when he gets engaged in something like his video game or youtube or when he is doing something he wanted like when it he finally got to decorate his cookie, he was all calm all of a sudden and no longer hyper and rambunctious.

He doesn’t have any diagnoses yet but he is in early intervention and he has teachers that work with him. He also frequently loses things so I try to limit toys in the home and I decided after Christmas, I should rotate with them like keep some in the garage and then bring them inside and bring the other toys out.

I would think a label would be given if he had any disabilities but maybe someday in the future he will get one. Plus not everyone likes to label children at this young age so they might have been avoiding labeling him and only focusing on what he needs help in.