Archive for January, 2016

Dangerous towns in Montana

Thursday, January 28th, 2016

Here Are The 10 Most Dangerous Places In Montana To Live

I have been to most of these places and lived in on of these towns. But I never been a victim of any violent crime but I did often hear stories about it. There was even a shooting in one of the homes because both men were fighting and the shooter went to prison for murder and he was a father of someone in my high school. I forget who his name was and whose dad it was. Another time there was a 13 year old girl raped behind Subway when I was 18 and she was so intoxicated with alcohol she had to have it pumped out of her and she had unawareness that she was being raped. I had also heard of theft crimes too and even stuff have been taken from me in my own home, mostly video games by my brother’s friends. But even in small towns, crimes can still be common and I have to wonder why.


I wish I didn’t have these fears

Sunday, January 24th, 2016

I hear about cars being keys because someone with a terminal illness parked in a handicapped parking spot, now I fear parking in that spot for my husband because what if he doesn’t look disabled enough. He will mind as well show off his braces or limp purposely or bring his cane with and use it to show the whole world how disabled he is.

I hear stories on Facebook about treatment people get who have a California license plate in my area, they get their cars keys or get honked at or yelled at, I am so glad I have a Oregonion license plate instead of an out of state one and I am sure glad it’s not a California one.

I saw how defensive parents get when someone online would ask about things parents do and their kids and now I won’t ask anything about parenting like I have been curious why do some moms use infant seats on their older children instead of having them sit in a regular seat in the cart and save those other special infant seat carts for mothers with infants.

I saw online how people seem to get offended with anything rather it’s questions or things people say and now I am more paranoid about talking and socializing and my social anxiety had increased because I don’t know what else they could find offensive.

I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and I wish I didn’t care too much and I feel this anxiety is holding me back because I can’t stop worrying and being afraid and even hearing bad stories will scare me and make me too afraid. I am very quiet in public and I barely say a word. I go to work and I don’t say much to my co workers. I have gone to my autism groups and not say much. When I was a kid, I was very talkative and asked a lot of questions because I was very curious. I had lack of self awareness how things were perceived and I was younger then so I think teens are given more slack because they tend to be ignorant so they are given a free pass but the more adult I started to look, the more shy I started to get.  Children are also given a pass for rude things they say because everyone knows it’s innocent and they are not doing it to be mean or judgmental. I say social skills are easier when you are a child because it’s easier to make friends and talk to people and not much is expected from you. It’s cute when a kid walks up to a random stranger and starts talking but it’s not so cute when a teen or an adult does it and it’s cute when a kid goes to your house and asks if your kid can play but imagine an adult coming to your house and asking if you can play? What about if they don’t even know you and they come asking if you want to play? When a kid does this, it’s cute.

I will also hear bad stories about people on the autism spectrum and the treatment they get so it makes me wonder what if they were all like me so they were kept to themselves and didn’t talk and would they get along better with other people?

I am always afraid of screwing up and I am always wondering what another person thinks of me as we are talking. Last year I was talking to a girl online and we seemed to have things in common and I was intense the whole time we were chatting and then I started to calm down and ease up because she didn’t seem to be the judgmental type and I felt more relaxed and more trusting so I opened up more and stopped worrying and we only exchanged a few PMs and then she did the 180 on me and said stuff to me. I was argumentative, I didn’t seem to get different perspectives, my comments were somewhat bigotry, I felt negative about Matt and Trey Parker.  I was left puzzled and confused. I was upset about it because I didn’t know where this came from and how she got those ideas about me. It justified my anxiety and why I am so afraid to talk to people and communicate. She proved my point. It was like she told me “See you do suck with social communication, your social skills still need work because you still give people the wrong perception of you, your diagnoses is correct after all.” Basically she gave me reassurance about my label. That was the only positive thing about that last message she sent me. At least she was honest even if it left me confused because it didn’t tell me anything. Most people just stop talking and say nothing again and they will make excuses like “I have gotten busy” which is the common one and I will look on the forum to be sure they are not posting because if they were, I would think I did something wrong and they were just being polite by telling me they are busy. They will also tell me things like “My house burnt down” and that did actually happen to that person but that could have just been an excuse she was using to not talk to me because if she did want to talk, she would have sent me a message later when she felt ready to talk after getting her situation resolved and settled in with her new home. But it is difficult to tell if you are really doing something wrong when people just stop talking to you because sometimes people do fade because they move on or get busy or they move to another messenger or stop coming to the forum and it has nothing to do with you so you never know if they had dumped you as a friend.

Then on Wrongplanet I am in a thread about transgender and I wrote how I do have curious questions I would like to ask but I am too afraid to because I don’t know if trans people will get offended or not so it’s best to just avoid the topic. The person I said that to disagreed and said if that topic was avoided all together, then people wouldn’t learn anything and people would continue not understanding and I agreed there, what she is saying is correct so I wrote it was a catch 22. Then she wrote how she will rather know the person first and see what their views are and stuff than assuming they are like other trans people and what she wrote there is also correct. People shouldn’t lump everyone together and make assumptions about others because of some negative people in the community like I shouldn’t be assuming that every parent is sensitive so they will get offended if I ask them why do some moms use infant carriers that are attached onto the shopping carts for their older kids like for two year olds or four year olds instead of using the regular seat in the cart and leave the other special cart for mothers with infants. Or assuming that every stranger that will see us getting out of my car will think my husband isn’t disabled and will key our car when we are inside or assuming every person I talk to online will just misjudge me and quit talking to me but the thing is I can’t stop this thought. I can’t get rid of this fear about people.

One of the sample questions I would have for trans is if any of them ever not face any discrimination or hate because they are trans like can they go in public and not get harassed or beaten up. I wonder if all trans face this because I am aware that only the negativity stand out so it makes it seem like all of them face hate in the world and get beaten up and that dating is a dangerous game for them and I wonder if all of them live in fear. I saw one person say on Wrongplanet how she will give trans101 if someone is genuinely curious and not looking for an argument. But I am still too nervous to even ask because I am worried about what if she gets the wrong conception of me. I go back to that one incident in PM when I was chatting with this person on fanfiction and she got the wrong conception of me and that proved to me how it does happen when I talk to people. But like another person wrote on the forum, I shouldn’t be assuming that everyone else I want to talk to will be like this person I talked to on fanfiction.

But I know I am a very paranoid person I feel it’s holding me back. Even one misunderstanding between us can destroy our relationship because I would be too afraid of it happening again. That has happened before actually. Even being offended or upset with something I say can do that too and that has also happened before too. It’s like when we talk, don’t get offended or upset with me, hide your feelings if you don’t want me to fear you and have anxiety all of a sudden and then we barely talk because I don’t say much or even open up anymore as if I don’t trust you because that was how much it destroyed me. When I was 15 I was too afraid to be around my grandfather because my dad’s cousin had told me how selfish I was and telling me my grandfather had a bad heart and he can die of a heart attack if he gets too upset and I had upset him. Then I didn’t want to be around him because I was so worried about getting him upset and I didn’t want to accidentally kill hi if I accidentally upset him. This went on until his death and then I told my mother on the phone how I was always afraid to be around him because of what my dad’s cousin told me, I said (dad’s cousin) told me it would be my fault if he dies because he has a bad heart and I didn’t want to upset him.” I was 21 when he died so that was how much it took toll on me by what my dad’s cousin had told me. My mom felt mad about it at my dad’s cousin because she had destroyed my last few years with my grandfather because of what she said to me. I had gotten afraid of my grandfather just because he had a bad heart and because I had upset him, I could have killed him so I was afraid of getting him upset again so it was best to avoid him. I didn’t want to be this terrible person. I was an adult when my mom told me it wouldn’t have been my fault if he died from being upset with me. I asked her why wouldn’t it have been my fault and she said he already has a bad heart, anything can upset him, something in the news can upset him, would it be the news anchor fault? That was a very good point. It wouldn’t have been my fault. But what if I had intentionally upset him and he died?

So I see this fear I have is nothing new.



Rage cycle

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

I used to think what I had were called tantrums because I would scream and cry and sometimes toss things. Then I thought they were meltdowns because I came across that term when I was sixteen. Then in my twenties I learned a tantrum only stops when the kid gets what they want and they only do it with people around. A meltdown will happen even if someone isn’t in the room and it will happen even if they are one and it will still happen even after they get what they needed. It does not go away.

But my meltdowns/tantrums had always been weird I was confused about my episodes. They only seem to happen with people around because they are the trigger, they only stop when my needs are met but then I feel I have to recover and I don’t feel normal on the inside while on the outside I am fine and back to normal like nothing happened. I don’t like getting these feelings inside me, the tense, the stress, all these emotions and it’s too much for me to handle so I start to scream and yell. If anything happens like if it’s a change in life or anything too inconvenient, I start to have anxiety and it leads me to this. Then I feel I am shutting down due to all the anxiety and I am raging at people and I feel short tempered and I am yelling at my children and husband making everyone’s life a living hell around me and I always feel bad. I feel I have thrown a tantrum when I get I have wanted. But when I am alone, I still feel nervous but I am doing whatever relaxes me and there is no one around to trigger my episodes so no short temper and no screaming and feeling easily annoyed. I seemed to be between meltdowns and tantrums. This is what I mean by going crazy. Even simple tasks are too much for me to handle so I feel very apathetic and even telling em to do something can set me into rage. I always feel bad about it on the inside like why can’t I stop this? I know the only way to avoid these is if everything always went my way and nothing bad ever happens and if everything evolved around me but that is not how the world works. I will try and handle things myself for whatever is causing the anxiety because once the anxiety is gone, then these are gone because I am less anxious and more calm now.

I finally decided to ask about it online and someone brought up a photo copy of a page about Rage cycles in Asperger’s. That was the answer I was looking for because it seemed to fit and now I have an answer so I decided I better hit up Google and read more about these rage issues and learn more about them to see if they explain these. So far I read they will rumble so I looked that word up online and it said noises or sounds, I used to do that and still do sometimes. I will grunt or sigh. But it is interesting they are calling them tantrums even if they might be involuntarily. I asked online if tantrums can be involuntarily and stop when their needs are met.

My mom has also told me things I had done like things I have said during my fits and I have hit her without being aware of it. I remember her telling me when I was 11 that I had hit her with a hair brush because I got upset about something I forget what and my mom butted in and I got angrier because I felt she wasn’t on my side so I felt wronged and then she said “Give me the hair brush” and took it from me. She said later on I had hit her with it. Then I remember we talked about it when I was calm. I remember I did mope and cried and when I was calmed down, we talked. Looking back I have always been this way and I am sure I have been in therapy for it because I can remember breathing exercises I had to take and I was told to read a book to calm my mind or work on a puzzle. Right now I am doing computer and there are no kids around or my husband and my dad is working and mom is in bed sleeping so there is no triggers now. I also cleaned out the tub and sprayed it with clean stuff and wiped it down because the tub is busted. The stopper broke so it went down the drain and it’s way at the bottom so it takes two hours for the water to drain out depending on how much is in there. It was all covered in poop from my mom’s diarrhea so I used a dirty towel and got it wet and wiped it out when all the water was out and sprayed it because it stunk and now it smells clean. That also helped calmed my anxiety because I solved part of my problem.

But with kids I can’t really do things to relax my brain and to stay calm and I can’t just hide in my room and expect my kids to sit like zombies and do nothing or expect them to take care of themselves or not be so noisy and demanding. I can’t expect them to not test their limits so here is me on my own with my own issues and I feel bad because I can’t turn them off and then I feel like a bad parent because I am yelling at them. Even telling my son I am irritable and to leave me alone or to sit still or not make any loud noise doesn’t work because he will still do what he does and my daughter is too young to understand. I don’t think my son understands either even though he can talk and tell us what he needs or wants or tell us when there is a problem.

But I am glad there is a name for them. Rage Cycle they are called. When I look back, I can remember being in therapy and having to learn when my anger is coming so I will handle it before it comes out and we all had to learn what triggers them so we will do something before it gets to that level where I explode. Back then I was not aware of my own feelings and when it was coming and then I would be angry all of a sudden or upset and being impulsive. Today I can just tell my husband or my parents what I am feeling and if I do know what the trigger is, I tell them. But I hate having to use threats to get my way but luckily I don’t use threats often because I never need to because everyone listens. If it’s something I can solve myself, I do it before I get there.


Having a hard time feeling for this mother

Tuesday, January 12th, 2016

The father forgives the mother because he knows that being angry about it and holding onto it won’t bring their baby back.

But the mother was high on drugs when she rolled on top of her baby. I don’t doubt it was an accident but the thing was she did drugs and I know addictions are real. But the thing is why even do them in the first place? I tend to have an addictive personality so I would never do drugs. I don’t want to get addicted to them. And when she got pregnant, she should have started to work on her addiction to get off them. Also I wonder why the father was with a drug addict. It’s possible she might have gotten addicted to them after they were together. But I am going to be doing further research on the story to see if there is more detail like why was she on drugs, why did she do them, how long had she been doing them, were they married, was she on pain meds and she got addicted. What kind of drugs were they.

Just did some research and read she had 34 bags of heroin and 10 oxycodone pills. Now my new argument is why take more than needed. I looked up those pills and it said misusing them can cause an addiction or death or overdose.

But when it comes to drugs, it just loses my sympathy and I feel it is their fault and they need to be held responsible. I don’t care about peer pressure or anything, just don’t do drugs. “Oh I didn’t know I would get addicted to this stuff” Bullshit, just don’t do them at all because you never know if you will get addicted. It’s a wonder why they are outlawed and drug users will try and justify it and try and say there is nothing wrong with it and call this all propaganda. Hello look at all the stories out there in the media, do you think they make that up? What about the effects it does to your brain and body? Are people lying about their negative experience? Even one of my old online friends was trying to make feel feel guilty for not doing drugs so she was asking me “do you not do them because you were told it was bad” and I told her I don’t do them because I learned about the effects it does to your brain and body and she called it all propaganda so I felt she was trying to pressure me to do them. But she doesn’t do them herself either so hypocrite much. Even in high school kids were trying to get me to do drugs saying how good it feels and how it will help me with my sleep. One girl in the gym suggested to me I smoke weed so I sleep better.



If you have a violent child, no self defense allowed

Sunday, January 10th, 2016

A couple in their 50’s kept their 12 year old locked up in a playhouse with zip ties and fish hooks so she couldn’t kick down the playhouse. Their reason, she had behavior issues and it was to protect her siblings and her from herself due to violent outbursts. I wondered if she was that dangerous that they had to keep her locked up like she is a animal, why didn’t they seek help or did they seek help? Was she in any therapy? Also she was adopted according to DailyMail.  Why is every adopted child seems to be violent? I know of RAD is common in foster and adopted kids.

I was looking through the search engine at the articles about this looking for answers and they all kept saying the same thing and keeping it vague. All it kept saying was behavior issues, to protect her siblings and herself and that the siblings confirmed that their parents did keep her tied up. But they obviously kept her tied up for too long because she resorted to using herself as the toilet so that indicates they kept her out there for hours and she was excluded.

Well there is Dr. Phil, I wonder if they wrote to him for help. If I had to have a kid that was so dangerous that I was afraid of my child and felt I was in danger and my other kid too I would threaten child abuse or maybe murder to CPS so they could take that kid away from me but that would mean they would remove my other kid too so I can see why parents wouldn’t use this tactic to get help. But the thing is every time I hear about child abuse and that they were protecting the other kids or themselves from the child, that indicates the kid is violent and dangerous. This makes me have less sympathy for the kid because I do not like abuse and violence and I believe in self defense. What would you do if a disturbed child broke into your home and tired to attack you? I bet your first instinct is to run and get out of the house and run to call the police but what if it was your own child? What would you do? How would you protect yourself? How would you defend yourself? The first reaction about when a kid is tied up is to protect them and jump on the parents about it because it’s natural to see a kid as innocent and that they can’t do any harm to the parents or to other children. It’s natural to react about the abuse on the child than looking at the possibility the kid was dangerous because of the keywords, violent outbursts and protecting her siblings, and people gloss over this. But I have said before that not everyone should adopt kids because of abuse. It seems more common for adopted kids to be violent. That is why I will never adopt even if I could afford it. I don’t want a Chuckie in my home. I don’t want to be beaten or threatened or chased with knives. There is no law against parental abuse. Kids can legally do these things and it will be blamed on the parent. But if it was in reverse, the kid would not be in trouble for their abuse on their parent because the kid had been a victim of child abuse. But yet kids have gone to jail for murdering their abusers and I wonder what happens if a teen managed to tie up their abuser, would they get sympathy from the judge or would they face charges and go to jail? Though kids can be charged with assault when they are teenagers but lot of parents don’t want to do that because then that will affect their future and them from getting a job. Plus if the kid has mental/psychological issues or severe behavior issues, arresting them isn’t going to stop them from being abusive. But I wonder if they get locked up in juvie hall for assault.

Even Kelli Stapleton had called the police one time on her daughter according to her blog when Issy was about 11 only to have the abuse to be dismissed and trivialized by the officer because the kid was young. I don’t remember if Kelli had any marks on her from the abuse. So that just shows depending on the age of the child, calling the police is useless and I wonder what they do about severely autistic teenagers when they beat their parents and the police are called for domestic violence.

But there is still lot of information missing about these parents like if they tried to seek help for their daughter or did they not ever take her to any counseling and therapists for her behavior. Did they ever try to reach out for support from the state or from social services? And this was in Florida folks.


Sunday, January 10th, 2016

I keep reading how abusive ABA is but from what I have read about it, it’s done with rewards and it lasts like right hours a day. But to most people on the autism spectrum they see it as abusive even if they have never gotten it before. First time I heard about ABA was when I was 21 and it was written by an eight year old boy with Asperger’s living in Ireland. He often talked about ABA and how it helped him and he seemed enthusiastic about it. It was a lot like therapy what I went through. I had a speech therapist who handed out speech bucks, I had another therapist that handed out poker chips.

My experience in therapy has been if I say a sound when learning to talk, I got an M&M my mother told me.

I remember in preschool, I had to rub my chest and say “May I please have (insert what they were serving for snack)” before they put it on my plate but if we didn’t comply, they skipped us and we got nothing to eat. This was a special school ran by the school district for kids with developmental delays so they were teaching us manners and social skills. The way we had snack time was done in a British way because we would pick a hostess and none of us were allowed to eat until they took their first bite and we all had to wait for the teachers to say when we could eat. This was a school thing in my perspective. It was very possible to lose snack privilege if you didn’t follow the rules.

In speech therapy I would be given speech bucks for participation and using the rules I was taught there, turn taking, staying on topic, no interrupting, no making noise, sitting still. You also would lose a speech buck for not following these rules. One time I lost a speech buck for tapping my feet because I was bored. Another time I lost a speech buck for poor hygiene with nail biting, one time I lost a speech buck for not stuffing all the Etch and Sketch markers in the slots because I was being too rigid for which marker goes where. Someone had marked each spot with a color for where the marker goes and my speech therapist said someone did that thinking it mattered what marker goes where but it didn’t matter. There I was putting each marker away in it’s “correct” spot and she told me she would give me a speech buck if I shove all the markers in there without mattering which marker goes where, I refused because in my mind it felt “wrong” so I lost a speech buck. If I was in a bad mood, I had to be happy so I could earn speech bucks, not lose it.

In group therapy we earned poker chips by participation.

All this gave me a learning attitude. I was not traumatized or felt even abused. I didn’t know any different. They just had these rules in their class and I had to follow them. I loved earning fake money for rewards. I truly hated speech therapy when there was no reward system and I hated group therapy when it was a different teacher we had and there was no reward system.

Now Roger Meyers told me what I got wasn’t ABA and then everyone at the table and him said it might have been different therapy I had gotten. But from what I read about it, there is the reward system and you earn the rewards for doing good things they want you to do and you lose rewards or fake money for not complying. That sounded similar to what I got in therapy. They inserted ABA for everyone. Could I have been the exception? I know not all autistic kids get traumatized and resent ABA. Some of them love it and wished they had it or remember having it and how they liked it like that eight year old boy did in his book. I wished I remembered the name of it or else I would have mentioned it as a source.

But here is the source I have for how wrong ABA is and how abusive it is and it includes other sources in it:

I finally get now that perhaps not all kids want to change and not everyone has a learning attitude. I get that not everyone likes rewards for doing the right thing in therapy. The thing was I actually liked it and enjoyed it because it had rewards. I wanted to go back, I hated when therapy would end. I was not putting on a show for the adults. Like I say, I didn’t know any different because everything was about rules and how they wanted everyone to be, there was no who I am. I could be anything I wanted to be. I didn’t know behaviors was a wired thing so I never felt any different if I had to change a behavior. Sometimes it would feel weird like being forced to sit up straight, being forced to hold scissors correctly or holding the pencil right. This all felt awkward and uncomfortable and I got used to it. I still sit with a hunch and I am sure I still stand wrong. But I only sat up straight only for voice lessons when we would use the piano. I only held scissors and pencils correctly in school to avoid kids teasing me about how I held scissors and also because the teachers would bother me if I held the pencil wrong. Then it was reinforced at home by my mother so I did it with her around only and eventually I started to do it when I was by myself because I got used to it. To me having me do all this was like making me eat with my elbow off the table and have my legs in front of me which also felt awkward.

But I was never ever given therapy eight hours a day. But even when I was a kid, I hated when my therapy sessions would end that involved rewards so I thought that boy in the book was lucky to have therapy at home 24/7. He got rewards like tokens he could trade in for prizes. That made me think I was not aspie enough to even get it at home so I only needed it in therapy sessions once a week.

But what I had learned about ABA is that ABA is also like a spectrum, every therapist is different about it. I was never beaten or sprayed in the face.In Boy Alone, Noah would get beaten for his treatment because he was not complying. It was part of his therapy. My mom wouldn’t have let any abuse have happen to me and I know she would have stopped that therapy and find someone else. But the problem is I will see it being painted with the same brush and that is like painting all public schools or day cares with the same brush just because abuse has happened in them also. Even kids have been abused by nannies so what if they all got painted with the same brush by saying how having nannies is bad for your children and they shouldn’t be used. Yes there are people on the spectrum who pretended to be happy and enthusiastic when they were little so they assume the kid is pretending that too about ABA. I was happy in therapy and always looked forward to it so I am assuming the same thing about the child. So my opinion about ABA is I am neutral about it. I don’t view it right or wrong because of two sides of the story and I am not going to be all negative about it because of bad therapists. That is like being negative about teachers and public schools and babysitters and nannies and day cares because of some abuse  that has happened or because of bullying in public schools.



Narcissists and Money

Sunday, January 10th, 2016

My mom felt Jerry was using me for my money.

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

All across the internet, people are searching the topic of Narcissists and their relationship with money.  Typically, each type of Narcissist uses money for a specific agenda, which I have outlined below.

When it comes to money, there are generally three types of Narcissistic tendencies:

1)      The Moocher – If this particular Narcissist manages to stick it out long enough to get a college degree, it eventually becomes useless because this Narcissist destroys all opportunities in their field due to a sketchy job history and their propensity to leave at the drop of a hat.   They struggle with staying employed because they cannot tolerate authority figures, seeing any sort of constructive criticism or feedback as a personal attack.  They are the ones that often find a way to go out on disability and/or take advantage of government assistance, along with deceiving various family members and partners.


They keep a running…

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Flash backs

Saturday, January 9th, 2016

In a autism Facebook group, the question was asked about what if autism was the norm and NT was the minority and people started posting what the world would be like such as no florescent lighting. Because it’s a spectrum and not everyone has the same symptoms and not everyone has the same sensitivity, I posted that more people would be wearing hearing aides because the sound would be too low for them so the normal hearing range would now be below normal. I also wrote that more people would be using extra light because everything would be too dim.

The trigger someone wrote was everyone would be honest and I said that more people would have low self esteem and depression because of what is said to them and autistic people have been offended with the truth because of things people would say about their interests or their behavior or them. The person responded back with that there will be hurt feelings no matter what but there would still be hurt feelings even with a law and she would rather have the truth than a lie because people are being polite. I had flashbacks because as a kid I was made fun of for how I talked, I was retarded, I was stupid, I was weird, I was mean and rude. I had all this negativity from kids and by 6th grade I wanted to kill myself because I couldn’t stop being different. No matter what I did and what I changed, I was still different. I was still screwing up. I hated my big boobs because kids thought I stuffed them. I hated god because how could he have humiliated me and give me a woman’s body so young in 6th grade. So I became atheist and plus there is no concrete evidence he ever existed. With years of verbal abuse from kids, I wanted to kill myself by 6th grade. I had depression and low self esteem and I went on a little rant in the group and then unfollowed the topic because it was too much. I didn’t like the flashbacks. I think it’s better if people keep their mouths shut. But the question I have asked myself about verbal abuse is “what if it’s the truth?”

The irony thing is when I started to call myself stupid and retarded, other kids didn’t like it. I started to beat them to the  verbal abuse by putting myself down. I had started to abuse myself verbally because of the abuse in the past from other kids so I started to do it to myself to beat them to it so I wouldn’t get it from them so it was better I did it to myself so they wouldn’t do it. Then it was always a torture to having to say three positive things about myself but I never meant it.  I felt I was no good. Then I thought everyone was lying when they would say how smart I am. I may not have gotten beaten up or have anything taken, but the words still hurt. If it’s child abuse to do that to a child, it shouldn’t be any different for a kid doing it to another kid. I have seen formally abused victims say how they wished they were verbally abused because at least they wouldn’t have been called names or made fun of or have any low self esteem from the words but I have seen psychical abused victims say how they wish they only had verbal abuse because at least there wouldn’t have been any psychical pain and they would rather deal with the words.

Lot of reasons why I got discarded

Friday, January 8th, 2016

No one really knows why they get discarded by their nex, all we can do is speculate why. I will never know for sure why mine discarded me. My mom thinks I got discarded because I was no longer living with him so I became useless because he only wanted me for money because I was on Social Security.

There are lot of theories why I was discarded.

  1. I kept calling him out on his bullshit
  2. I pointed out his hypocrisy
  3. I kept proving how wrong he is about things he has told me
  4. His manipulation tactics didn’t work with me
  5. I just didn’t care what people thought so that also didn’t with with me
  6. I wouldn’t let him control me
  7. I wouldn’t let his excessive fear of what people thought of him keep me from talking about us
  8. He couldn’t mold me into the person he wanted me to be
  9. He knew that discarding me would cause me lot of stress and anxiety because I wouldn’t know I was discarded because he was ignoring me
  10. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut so I was basically outing him and he didn’t like that
  11. I didn’t get how I was making him out to be a control freak and an ass


It’s all about control for a narcissist. If they can’t control their partner and get them to do what they want or if they are being outed, they run. They discard you. Did my ex ever did a smear campaign on me, I will never know and we didn’t share the same circle of friends so his smear campaign might have been useless so he might not have done it. So if you got discarded by your nex, that is a good thing because they let you go. That is the only good thing they ever do and the best thing they can ever do for someone. I didn’t have to worry about making his depression worse or worry being an asshole for dumping him at the wrong time and I didn’t have to worry about dumping him in the wrong spot such as his work for example. While I was so concerned about his feelings and trying to figure out how to dump him without being an ass, a narcissistic will purposely dump you at a bad time while I was so concerned about doing it because of the depression he was having and how much he wanted a relationship and to work things out. But I guess that was the manipulation tactic there and that is why the abused stay. My mom doesn’t understand how I could be with this guy and not break up with him and how I was going to move back in with him when he got his own place again. She thought we were already broken up when we lived apart. But it’s normal for the abused to cling onto their abusers and love them. It’s irrational, it’s illogical, even I can’t answer that myself. I ask myself why did I want to be with this asshole? Didn’t I learn from my first mistake from Jayden? I sometimes do wish I truly didn’t care about feelings of others or otherwise I would have dumped him on the phone ignoring that social rule or driving into his work and dumping him in front of his employers because I was so fed up with him and wanted to move on and have it be over between us so I wanted him to be sure he knew it was over between us. But he was abusive and I didn’t know at the time so if I had made his depression worse or did a dumb ass thing while dumping him, it wouldn’t have mattered.

Another theory I have is he may have known it was going to be over between us so to keep me, he ignored my calls thinking that would keep me in our relationship but instead it had backfired because I moved on finally. It’s all about control. Since he was losing me, he had to find another way to still control me and hurt me and that was not answering his phone. He may have known the night he blew up with me on the phone, he knew that scared me and that it was over between us so to make sure the break up won’t happen, he started going silent on me. He never apologized for his angry outburst. I didn’t confront him about it because I knew he would blame it on me and have it be my fault and that I had provoked it and that I was in the wrong. It was all about him and his own perspective and my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter or my anxiety. It was all about him. I even think he kept that Dish Network piece from me as his sick game for control and to drive me crazy and put me under so much stress and the only reason I got it back was because of the thread I made online about my concern getting into trouble with the service and worrying about bad credit and saying how I will involve a lawyer and send the police after him and Dish Network, etc. and that might have scared him so he got it back to me quickly. It all of a sudden mattered and he could all of a sudden give it to me without being too “busy.” I thought it was a coincidence but it probably wasn’t. Plus I had back up, my aunt and uncle and my parents and they all have money so they could help me afford a lawyer. After all he had stolen the thing from me and stealing is a crime.



How to get back at stranger

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

A local man yelled racial slurs at a woman while driving because he thought she was Hispanic.

The woman recorded it to post online to embarrass him and to show people how ignorance and hate can come quickly. She also hoped he would see it and learn something from it but instead it cost him his job. His work saw the video and fired him. The video also went viral. People shared it, it got posed on youtube and Reddit. There are several Reddit threads about it in the Portland subreddit. This just shows how you are not anonymous anymore because with phones having cameras now these days, you can record anything and put it online for the whole world to see and hope it goes viral and that their work place sees it. This also means to all the assholes out there how they should stop being an asshole and be nice now and leave people alone or else karma might happen like it did to this guy.

And apparently this isn’t the first time he has done it because someone on Portland subreddit also told their story about being his victim except it was about him being an asshole driver so the person flipped him off and he went into road rage and started yelling obscenities at the person. Also I read on the Portland subreddit that he had been doxed. People found out his name and where he lives and worked and it got posted online. Someone must have known him personally or how else would they figure out who he is? Plus he had on his work shirt that indicated his business and his Facebook profile got deleted. I don’t know if he closed it or if Facebook did.

But apparently this guy is a true asshole because of what I am reading about him from hearsay.