Dealing with self doubts about my ex

From time to time I still get doubts about Jerry. This is pretty normal among victims of relationships abuse.

Today I saw a post on Reddit and someone said how they would never believe themselves if they din’t have proof it happened. That person had their chat logs, and emails as proof that his ex’s behavior was ridiculous. Sadly I have none of that stuff other than a few old diary entries and I mentioned none of the stuff here because I didn’t know at the time. The only proof I have are my parents and two of my online friends.

What went through my head was the fact that I have my own set of problems so was it possible that my ex’s behavior appeared abusive because of my own anxiety. My dad doesn’t understand my anxiety so he will keep bringing up money to me from time to time and then my husband has to deal with my anxiety about it and it takes him a while to calm me down while my dad shuts down about it. He will not listen to me when I tell him stuff and that also triggers my anxiety. I started to wonder if this was all intentional and my husband told me he doesn’t think he is doing it on purpose. I asked him how can you not do it on purpose. he knows I have anxiety but he still continues doing the same behavior over and over so how is that not on purpose? My husband told me what he meant was my dad doesn’t realize how bad it is for me. Is this possible with Jerry? Is it possible she didn’t understand how bad my anxiety was and how much it affected me and if she would have known, would she have fixed my car sooner or bring my Dish Network piece in sooner? Is it also possible my anxiety was too much for her to handle so she also shut down and her way of dealing with it was to get mad at me about it and find a way to shut me up about it so she would say “we can always bring your car into a shop and it will be (insert cost here)”?

My husband has also told me how I say lot of stuff he would take offense too and now that he has gotten so used to me, he doesn’t think what I say is offensive anymore, is it possible Jerry was so sensitive, she couldn’t not take what I say not personally because of her own set of problems?

But then I remember the other stuff she has done like saying how self centered I am whenever she didn’t get her way. Saying how idiots people are when they wear cartoon characters on their clothes and saying what a bunch of snobs people are who lived in these nice houses up on the hill. Also telling her son anything about us and nothing was ever private between us. She even let her son eavesdrop on us. If I had done that as a kid, it would have been a slap in the head or face, or being yelled at or threatened with a consequence. Jerry did none of that stuff. I can understand why she wouldn’t hit her child because she was in a middle of a custody battle and rules are a bit different when you are divorced or separated so that might have gotten used against her if she had slapped her kid across the head for trying to listen in on our topic when it was private between us. But she could have at least told her child to sit back and not listen to us because it’s none of his business and scold him but she didn’t do that. Instead she found it all hilarious because she would smile and laugh. Plus my mom told me she thought the kid was a snot to me. I asked her how so and she told me it was stuff I would tell her and I would say her son said this to me or that and my ex would go “he is right” and my mother felt he was just very rude to me.

Plus the talk my mom had told me about like the phone calls I would make and hearing her in the back ground arguing with me and stuff and us fighting because she would harass me according to my mother. I asked her how was my ex harassing me and she said I would try and talk to them on the phone and she would argue with me and go “what are they saying” and telling me what to say to them.

Plus I asked my online friends about her because I was friends with them when me an Jerry were together and they told me how controlling she is and very weird and that was according to me when I would talk to them about our relationship when we were together.

I even ask myself from time to time if I made any of this up for closure and to make myself feel better. After all she did ghost me so I lost a few things like my cleaning supplies and a paycheck and money she was supposed to owe me for Dish Network. I even wonder is it possible I twisted what I read online about abuse to make it fit Jerry so I would do it for closure and to make myself feel better. I should ask on Reddit if anyone else ever feels this way about themselves.

After all in 6th grade, I thought my mom was this horrible person so I wrote a story about it and made her out to be a mean mother and my mom cried reading it because of how I felt about her but she didn’t tell me “I did none of this you said I did in your story” or “I am not this person you wrote I am in your story.” Instead she asked me why I felt that way about her and we had to work it out through therapy with my psychologist.

But because Jerry and I are not together anymore, it didn’t really matter how I feel about her so she just said “I did none of that stuff you said I did other than taking too long getting you back that Dish Network thing.” If we were still together and she found out I was feeling this way about her, then it would be time to go to a therapist to work this out. But she could have still defended herself about her actions and explain why she did those things and what her intentions were behind it but because she didn’t, it all came off as denial to me and gaslighting to make me question myself and my memories and think “maybe I am just looking at it all wrong” or “Maybe I just went crazy and created these false memories.”

 

Dealing with self doubt

 

Lately I have been feeling if I made this all up about the abuse because I was so hurt in it so I needed to make it up to make myself feel better. But yet I can relate to the stories I read about being with a narcissist. Please note that when you read about domestic abuse, it’s always about narcissists, never about someone who has many issues or someone who is “normal” but likes control. I wonder if I have been dealing with cognitive distortions because you can read about something and it might seem like it fits but that is not what is going on. It’s like how you can google a symptom and a bunch of medical conditions pop up but it doesn’t mean that is what is going on, same with disorders.

My memories feel so real but I know I am not a schizophrenic. If I was, then I would have already been in treatment and be on medicine for it and my parents would have noticed because no way would they have let me fall into despair and let me get sicker and sicker. Plus I would have had other delusions than just this and I would have showed other symptoms. My husband would have noticed too if I were sick.

Plus my parents were there when I was with Jerry. They heard him argue with me when I would talk to them on the phone, him telling me what to say and him asking what we were talking about. Plus my mom remembers how I would abruptly hang up when he would come home and my mom told me the story about how I called her one time and I was crying but she couldn’t remember what I was upset about and then all of a sudden I say “Oh no he is coming out, I gotta go” and I hung up. My mother decided they were coming out there to try and get me to live with my aunt and uncle. But this can’t be a cognitive distortion can it?

But I know the abuser can make you self doubt and make you question yourself. I just have to go back and remember what my parents told me, how he acted towards me and tell myself this is all real, it really happened, you are not crazy. You are not lying to yourself or creating these fake memories, that is what they want you to think. Remember what you read online about gaslighting and how the victims self doubt and wonder if they are crazy. If you are still getting triggers and flashbacks, it is most likely real. Don’t let anyone make you self doubt. They were not there and if they have never experienced domestic abuse, they wouldn’t know what they are talking about. If your former ex comes back and acts like they did nothing wrong or acts like they don’t understand why you feel this way and they say they never did those things and if they do contradictions, don’t let them make you self doubt.

But what if the abuser claims to have medical diagnoses, that makes it even more confusing. But that is what they want right? Make you self doubt, make you question yourself, make you think what differently you could have done.  Remember that. Don’t let them make you self doubt.

A genuine person would have told you how sorry they are for everything they put you through and apologize for everything they have done than denying it. They would have validated your feelings and apologize for how they made you feel and what they did to you. They might tell you what they have found out about themselves and say they are working on it and seeing a doctor but they wouldn’t demand you read about their diagnoses to understand them better. They wouldn’t say “Sorry you feel that way about me” or say other things like “Sorry you felt that way” “Sorry you think I did those things” and they wouldn’t toss their medical labels at you and tell them how they wish you would read about them and understand them better. That is like they have basically admitted to how they treated you but they are saying they are not responsible for it and you have to put up with it and deal with it. They are avoiding responsibility. A genuine person might also say they don’t blame you for how you feel and they would understand if you don’t respond to them. Think about how you would want someone to apologize to you if they treated you horribly. That is how you do a genuine apology if you wanted to do amends to the people you have hurt. Never put the blame on them. Take full responsibility, don’t make excuses.