Dealing with self doubts about my ex

Thursday, October 20th, 2016

From time to time I still get doubts about Jerry. This is pretty normal among victims of relationships abuse.

Today I saw a post on Reddit and someone said how they would never believe themselves if they din’t have proof it happened. That person had their chat logs, and emails as proof that his ex’s behavior was ridiculous. Sadly I have none of that stuff other than a few old diary entries and I mentioned none of the stuff here because I didn’t know at the time. The only proof I have are my parents and two of my online friends.

What went through my head was the fact that I have my own set of problems so was it possible that my ex’s behavior appeared abusive because of my own anxiety. My dad doesn’t understand my anxiety so he will keep bringing up money to me from time to time and then my husband has to deal with my anxiety about it and it takes him a while to calm me down while my dad shuts down about it. He will not listen to me when I tell him stuff and that also triggers my anxiety. I started to wonder if this was all intentional and my husband told me he doesn’t think he is doing it on purpose. I asked him how can you not do it on purpose. he knows I have anxiety but he still continues doing the same behavior over and over so how is that not on purpose? My husband told me what he meant was my dad doesn’t realize how bad it is for me. Is this possible with Jerry? Is it possible she didn’t understand how bad my anxiety was and how much it affected me and if she would have known, would she have fixed my car sooner or bring my Dish Network piece in sooner? Is it also possible my anxiety was too much for her to handle so she also shut down and her way of dealing with it was to get mad at me about it and find a way to shut me up about it so she would say “we can always bring your car into a shop and it will be (insert cost here)”?

My husband has also told me how I say lot of stuff he would take offense too and now that he has gotten so used to me, he doesn’t think what I say is offensive anymore, is it possible Jerry was so sensitive, she couldn’t not take what I say not personally because of her own set of problems?

But then I remember the other stuff she has done like saying how self centered I am whenever she didn’t get her way. Saying how idiots people are when they wear cartoon characters on their clothes and saying what a bunch of snobs people are who lived in these nice houses up on the hill. Also telling her son anything about us and nothing was ever private between us. She even let her son eavesdrop on us. If I had done that as a kid, it would have been a slap in the head or face, or being yelled at or threatened with a consequence. Jerry did none of that stuff. I can understand why she wouldn’t hit her child because she was in a middle of a custody battle and rules are a bit different when you are divorced or separated so that might have gotten used against her if she had slapped her kid across the head for trying to listen in on our topic when it was private between us. But she could have at least told her child to sit back and not listen to us because it’s none of his business and scold him but she didn’t do that. Instead she found it all hilarious because she would smile and laugh. Plus my mom told me she thought the kid was a snot to me. I asked her how so and she told me it was stuff I would tell her and I would say her son said this to me or that and my ex would go “he is right” and my mother felt he was just very rude to me.

Plus the talk my mom had told me about like the phone calls I would make and hearing her in the back ground arguing with me and stuff and us fighting because she would harass me according to my mother. I asked her how was my ex harassing me and she said I would try and talk to them on the phone and she would argue with me and go “what are they saying” and telling me what to say to them.

Plus I asked my online friends about her because I was friends with them when me an Jerry were together and they told me how controlling she is and very weird and that was according to me when I would talk to them about our relationship when we were together.

I even ask myself from time to time if I made any of this up for closure and to make myself feel better. After all she did ghost me so I lost a few things like my cleaning supplies and a paycheck and money she was supposed to owe me for Dish Network. I even wonder is it possible I twisted what I read online about abuse to make it fit Jerry so I would do it for closure and to make myself feel better. I should ask on Reddit if anyone else ever feels this way about themselves.

After all in 6th grade, I thought my mom was this horrible person so I wrote a story about it and made her out to be a mean mother and my mom cried reading it because of how I felt about her but she didn’t tell me “I did none of this you said I did in your story” or “I am not this person you wrote I am in your story.” Instead she asked me why I felt that way about her and we had to work it out through therapy with my psychologist.

But because Jerry and I are not together anymore, it didn’t really matter how I feel about her so she just said “I did none of that stuff you said I did other than taking too long getting you back that Dish Network thing.” If we were still together and she found out I was feeling this way about her, then it would be time to go to a therapist to work this out. But she could have still defended herself about her actions and explain why she did those things and what her intentions were behind it but because she didn’t, it all came off as denial to me and gaslighting to make me question myself and my memories and think “maybe I am just looking at it all wrong” or “Maybe I just went crazy and created these false memories.”

 

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