Solar Eclipse

Monday, August 21st, 2017

Today was the day it happened. I got up early and woke my dad up and my daughter and we all left after eight to drive a little south to see the full eclipse. My husband had the app on his phone he bought for two dollars telling him what zone will be the full eclipse and once we reached that zone, we saw a bunch of cars on the side of the road and we all pulled over and it had already started. It took us less than an hour to get there.

I looked at it through my solar glasses while my kids sat in the trunk and my dad had the cooler out and my husband and my dad stood outside while I sat in the car and waited and I would look at the solar eclipse off and on and the outside got darker and darker and then the moon covered the sun and it was very dark, different than when clouds cover it, and people clapped and cheered and it lasted a few seconds before it started to shine again. Then everyone started to leave and we left too. We tried to get a picture of it but it was too bright. This was the first time I had ever seen a solar eclipse and I hope my kids will remember this too. I hear the next one in the US will be down in Texas so I couldn’t miss this one and thanks to this day, there wasn’t much trash at work or compost or recycling so I figured most people stayed home for the event. So I left work a half hour early because I was done and saw no reason to stay until my shift was over if less people came to work and didn’t make a big mess in the building.


Is this what women complain about?

Saturday, August 5th, 2017

Ever since I started to go jogging, I decided to wear a sports bra and no shirt and wear work out shorts. I do it to keep cool. But I have noticed some attention like one guy honking at me and then turning back onto the road and then into a parking lot and pulling over and speaking to me in Spanish. Then he drove off fast when I told him I didn’t speak any Spanish. Some guys will honk at me as they drive by or even shout out the window. This doesn’t happen all the time and it only happens sometimes when I work out and it’s really easy to ignore. Is this what women complain about when they show their bodies? Some attention that is so easy to ignore? It’s not like men are following me and calling me names or picking on me. I told my husband about it and he said “You want to get raped?” I said no and I am going to see how much attention I can get and he goes “be careful, I don’t want you to get raped.” I then asked him if that is what women complain about with that little attention and they act like they get it on a daily basis from every person. My husband told me I don’t feel the same way about it as women do and to talk to my mother about it because maybe she will explain it better. I wonder if fat women get attention too or is it only pretty women and thin women? I wonder if skinny fat women also get attention. If so, then that means nothing for my body. I always figure it’s just men being immature so I ignore it.

I decided to move on

Tuesday, August 1st, 2017

I know I would say I would try all week before moving on but since he doesn’t respond to my texts, I decided to just move on so I didn’t call him this morning to tell him I am going for a walk again. I don’t know why he asked for my number and why he said he wanted to run with me but I find it weird he wouldn’t know who I am when I got a hold of him twice and he didn’t fit any of the symptoms for “signs someone likes you more than a friend” (I looked it up) so this was all very strange. He even called me at 5 in the morning yesterday and i didn’t even pick up because I was still sleeping and the phone call woke me up and I didn’t want to talk so I let it ring. I figured it could be him because no one calls this early in the morning unless you have a wake up call requested or if your friends know you are up that early and I told him I get up between seven and eight. But I texted him after I called him that morning and I never got a response. Oh well.

My thin privileges

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

I keep hearing about thin privileges in the fat community. I realize I take lot of things for granted because I don’t have to go through what fat people go through or even worry about stuff they need to worry about. I have realized what my thin privileges were and they are:

I don’t need to lose 60 lbs or I would be malnourished and in the hospital

When I worked out at the gym and was using the weight machine, the seat was so wide I could set my phone and water bottle right next to me on the chair

I can have my kids sit right next to me on the chair in our house because I am thin enough to fit one of them there

I don’t need to lose weight so quickly when I work out and my weight is dropping because I am not overweight or obese so I can still eat back my calories

I will find my size in clothes in most clothing stores

When I was pregnant, most of my shorts still fit me and my pants so I didn’t need maternity clothes, I only had maternity pants but most of them were big on me and I needed a size small so i went for the smallest size or else the bigger sizes would keep falling down on me and I hate loose pants around my bottom and in my crotch area. I don’t like the feeling of pants falling down and hanging. I do like to wear clothes that are bigger sizes so they feel right on me

I can eat unhealthy in front of people or go to a McDonalds and eat a large meal and not get judged or even worry about it (I don’t order large meals)

I can wear cute clothes



But then are downsides to being thin:

“Are you on a diet?” when you refuse cake or sweets or ask for a small piece

“You’re not fat” for the same reason above

People assuming you have an eating disorder just because you are eating healthy or not snacking all day or because you refuse sweets or ask for a small piece or because you are having smaller portions

You are working out and people assume you must be anorexic and you are obsessed with exercising

People assuming you don’t eat

People making comments on how much you eat because it’s not a big enough portion to them or because you have ordered a size small. Maybe you just have a small stomach and get full so you don’t want to waste food and money. I am not going to order a large Dairy Queen blizzard because it has all that sugar and 800 calories for a size large? Plus it will be too much ice cream for me and I don’t need all that sugar so I get a small.

Yes my parents make these sort of comments to me and they did today. Comments on my body and saying I am getting too thin and starting to look anorexic and saying I need to eat more food and I told them I eat three meals a day. Plus my weight has not gone down that much. Even my husband is worried about me and thinks I have burned body fat but gained muscle so that is why it seems like I have not lost that much weight.






I thought I made a friend

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

Yesterday morning, I met a guy on the sidewalk who lives down the road from me. He wanted to do running with me and he was very friendly and told me about himself like he goes to school and works with computers and told me about it. He also told me how he does track at school but he never feels motivated to work out and was impressed how I can do it everyday and I told him I go to the gym three times a week too and. Then he asked me if it would be okay if he joins me every morning for a run because he does track and he needs to run more often. He also introduced himself and he asked for my phone number so I can call him when I run again. So we exchanged phone numbers and he had me text him so he can be sure he had my number and he called it and it worked.

Evening comes and I call him and I was hesitant to do it because it was eight but I had promised him I would call him when I go run again so I called it and he didn’t answer so I figured he was busy. I bring the phone with me for in case he calls and he did. He didn’t know who I was and he acted like he had forgotten until I told him who I was and we talked that morning and then he remembered me and he said he had to eat so I told him I will call him in the morning and said bye. It was a very quick chat and I liked it because there was no small talk and it was very quick. The reason way I hate talking on phones is because of small talk. People take too long to get off the phone. I already felt I could relate to this guy because maybe we will have things in common. I was also fantasizing once we know each other more, I could start inviting him over and play video games together.

Morning comes and I get up late so I started out late. I still called him and he didn’t answer again so I figured well it’s Sunday so maybe he is at church.

Then I started to think wouldn’t he have told me he wouldn’t be available the next day because he has church? But wait if he wasn’t interested in running with me, why would he ask for my number? Then I started thinking what if he was hitting on me and this was just a speed date he was doing when he ran with me to my house? How can we tell if someone is hitting on us and if they want more than a friendship? Should I assume every man that talks to me is hitting on me? What if it was another woman, would that mean she is a lesbian or bisexual? Or maybe he was looking for a friendship but decided we didn’t have anything in common after that short talk when he asked me questions. But why would he ask for my phone number then and say he wants to run with me?

With autism or OCD we all tend to be analytical. I get analytical when things don’t make sense so I start to overthink things to figure it out. He could have been hitting on me and I didn’t pick up on it. He could have just asked for my phone number and then reject me. Maybe he really was busy on Saturday night and he was at church on Sunday. But it’s too soon to tell if he was hitting on me and just being polite when he got my phone number or if he is just busy. I will try all week calling him and if he never answers, I will move on assuming he was just hitting on me and I didn’t pick up on it. Sometimes we have to make assumptions or we would all be harassing each other. He didn’t call me back this time but it’s Sunday so he could be at church. If he doesn’t ever call back, it’s because it was too late to call me because I already ran. But I won’t know for all week to know for sure. My rule of thumb is if I can never get a  hold of someone and they never call me, move on.

“I tried anorexia”

Saturday, July 15th, 2017

This is what Megan Trainor said and it got a bunch of people upset especially for those with anorexia and former ones. I just thought it was ignorant. She obviously thinks it’s a life style and a diet choice. She seriously thinks people decide to have anorexia to lose weight but from my personal experience it doesn’t work like that. It happens gradually and then it springs out of control it becomes like an addiction or an obsession and you can’t stop and before you know it, you learn you have an eating disorder or find bones visible on your back or you see your rib cage or you are finding yourself constipated or always tired or feeling like passing out but you are still fat but everyone is telling you you are so skinny and your doctor is telling you you are underweight but you still see these big legs and your big thighs and your big butt and you want to be smaller and everyone is glossing over those things about you. No one decided one day “I don’ like my body so I am going to change it, oh I will have anorexia to get skinny and then my body will be all perfect.” I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 21 even though I wasn’t a skeleton and I wasn’t skinny like those anorexics we often see in photos but yet I was still deemed underweight by my doctor. I never had a tube down my throat nor have I ever done diet pills or excessive workouts or eat ice cubes or line food up or food cans or roll food on my plate, or do any crazy tricks they do. I don’t consider myself an anorexic and never had. That was just a label that was put on me by a doctor and I don’t consider myself underweight because I look like none of the bodies in the underweight photos. My BMI is normal too.

I found a thread about it on Reddit and it sprung into sarcasm with people saying they will try Bipolar or how they tried OCD when their house was a mess and some were saying they tried anorexia for four years and it got them weak and hospitalized and I figured they were serious there but not about trying the anorexia part. I am sure some comments in that thread were serious because people there were admitting about their ignorance of disorders by saying how they tried a disorder. I tried ODD when I was 16. I was ignorant and I was a kid then and still in high school so I had no understanding of disorders then so I just thought they were labels doctors made to give people for their differences and I was given labels for me being different. But I thought ODD was a thing kids did to get their way and get control and be happy because I saw how much control Frankie had over his mom and how she always gave into him so I tried it. I tried to hit my family and tried to break things and be strong about it to get my way so my life would be easier and there would be no more anxiety and I would feel safer in my own home. But instead that got me a threat of being sent out of the home to a mental hospital if I hit again. So I stopped trying ODD. but because that thread was achieved because it was older than six months, I couldn’t comment.

Here is the thread:

Weird man

Friday, July 7th, 2017

Today I went for my walk again to burn off a bag of trail mix I had since I am on a diet and trying to lose weight. This one man honks at me and waves at me and I wave back. I didn’t know him but he waved so I was being polite. Then I thought I saw him pass me again but this time on the right side of the road and then he turned. I kept on walking and then later a car is coming out of the parking lot and it honks at me and flashes its lights and I ignore it figuring that driver is just being an asshole because he couldn’t wait for me to get out of the way. But no it was that same guy again and he pulls over and rolls down his window and starts talking to me. But it was in a different language, it sounded Spanish. I put a confuse look on my face hoping he will know I don’t understand what he is saying but he keeps speaking Spanish so I say “Sorry, I only speak English” and he drives off quickly and I never saw him again. I thought that was very strange. What were his intentions? Was he hitting on me? Was he a predator and trying to kidnap me? Did I offend him because I didn’t speak his language? What did he want? He was an old man in his 40’s or 50’s. Way too old for me and I am married. Or was I being catcalled by this guy? But that was one weird situation I am not even sure if I was harassed or not.

This is supposed to be the worst time of the year for me

Saturday, July 1st, 2017

June 21st was the last day for school and for some reason I was looking forward to it. Parents always hate it when school gets out for the summer and it’s never the exciting time of the year for them like it was when they were children. But me I was pretty happy it was coming and looking forward to it. I was so ready to not have to get up at seven o clock in the morning and having to fill my car 2 or 3 times a month and having to drive everyday and having to leave the house at 2:50 every day to get my son from school. Also summer meant having the whole summer to work on his letters and sounds and having him practice writing and knowing all his numbers and recognizing them.

But I guess this is another weird thing about me. I wonder if my parents hated this time of the year too when I was little. That was always the time when my mom would do work books with us and flash cards and we go on our summer trips but she was also a stay at home mom so it wasn’t inconvenient for her when we weren’t in school. Then by the time she returned to work full time, we were all old enough to look after ourselves and my dad was there and he cooked and took care of us and got us up for school because his business was slow so he wasn’t making any money and he had his own business so he made his own hours. Then when his business did finally pick up which took him about three years, we were all old enough to look after ourselves.

I saw a thread on Reddit posted in the Childfree forum about so many posts on Facebook by parents ranting about summer vacation and all these sad memes about it. Even my sister in law hated this time of the year and she was on Welfare and barely worked and her kids were old enough to stay home and look after their selves and she had her parents around to help. I saw her make a post about it once on Facebook and so did one of my former teachers who was now a parent. I know I am supposed to hate school getting out for the summer but it’s never bothered me so far. I wouldn’t call it a bad thing for it not bothering me and because I was looking forward to it.

Right in front of my house

Thursday, June 22nd, 2017

Last night I was coming home from work and I saw all these police cars in front of my house. The whole road was blocked off so cars had to turn around. I have been watching too many crime documentaries on youtube so I got worried that something had happened to my house and I mostly worried about my children. Had someone come and murdered my family or were my kids hurt so they had police over there?

The closer I got the more clear it became it was a car accident and I wondered if my car was involved because had my dad driven it and crashed it? I looked at the totaled car and it became clear it wasn’t mine just by looking at the headlights. There were people standing on the curb talking and I heard a glimpse of what happened. I go home and asked my parents about it and my mom told me it happened around 8:30 at night and told me what happened.

There was a car chase and it came from the neighborhood behind us and they turned onto the main road but the car behind the SUV truck hit the curb because she didn’t know it was there. The road narrows. So she did a sharp turn cutting this incoming truck off and swiped his side and it pushed him into incoming traffic and that car got his by his truck also swiping its side. Then the car behind it hit it and spun out of control and hit another car and six cars total were hit. the lady in the car who had hit the curb after swiping the truck kept on driving while the car was wrecked. She left car pieces on the side of the road and then she couldn’t go any further. The car was a mess because the wheels came off and it was dark outside so it looked like someone had rested a tire on the side of the car, leaning it beside it.

I was going to show my son the car but it was gone this morning and so were the car parts and the mess in the road had been cleaned up so you wouldn’t even guess there had been an accident but there was still the marks from the residual of the accident. I saw the car had barely missed our mailbox because of the marks on the curb and then she was driving back on the curb again.

I got more information about it this morning from my mother. People who saw the accident had pulled over and chased after the woman saying “don’t you dare leave.” They had road sweepers out like at 2 or 4 in the morning cleaning up the mess. I even heard them. The truck belonged to a young man who was about 20 my mom was guessing and he had three more payment son his truck and he had to call his parents to come get him. They were going to take him to the hospital and they were so distraught. No one was angry at the driver and everyone was glad no one was hurt. The lady that caused the whole accident was cut on her face but not seriously hurt. I asked Mom how fast she was going and she guessed maybe 35-40 and I said that was the speed limit but she was still in a rush and chasing after a car and cut the truck off who was coming towards her. But I felt angry for all those people because they had lost their cars, now they were going to pay higher insurance, and I wondered if the driver was going to be sued for causing all this because of her wreck less driving. She was definitely going to be in trouble with her insurance and my dad thinks she might go to jail and lose her license. But man that was one big accident and I only saw three wrecked cars total so they must have taken the others away before I got there. even neighbors from the block behind us followed after those cars because they also heard the wreck and it sounded like furniture falling over in the house. They had to be at the scene to tell the police it came from their neighborhood and two cars were racing and it was a black SUV truck and it paused and kept on driving and then it stopped at the traffic light and it turned green and it kept on going.

All I can say is “what the hell were they thinking? Racing each other. That is so dangerous.” But her car was so totaled because the whole front was busted off and all the wheels and she kept on driving it until she couldn’t anymore. My mom guessed she was in her twenties and said it was just a kid. She was the only one in the car. Even my mom wonders what the hell was she thinking but she didn’t ask her. But there were a bunch of police cars and two tow trucks with a wrecked car on it. My kids slept through the whole thing. The crash didn’t wake them up. I have heard some car racing on our road occasionally and it just sounds like a race car going by. We definitely didn’t pick a safe spot to live. Just not too long ago there were these tow guys rummaging in cars for stuff and they looked in mine and took my mom’s purse from her car and I saw them doing the same to a Honda and I figured those must have been the same guys who were in our cars and they just left the Honda door opened and I thought at first it was their car and then I drove by it and saw the mess inside and realized they were just looting and looking for stuff and they took off across the street to the apartments. Then I had wished I had called the police to report it because they could be doing it to other cars on the block. I wonder if I should have reported the Honda to the police and those two guys and describe them?

I was very difficult to gaslight

Sunday, June 4th, 2017

I remember when I was a kid, anything I thought or knew, no one could convince me of something that was the untruth. If I know i didn’t do something, no one could convince me I did it because I would never question myself or doubt my own memory or even think I am going crazy. In fact I just thought it was the other person that is lying to me and is wrong. This does seem to be a good quality to have but unfortunately it was also a curse because it gave me problems and other people around me problems too. Just imagine all the gaslighting I must have done over the years but everyone was immune to mine. I also lived in the moment so anything that happened was over. My mom used to often tell me when I was 10-12 years old “Just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.”

I remember one year when it was Easter, I was looking through my basket when I found a toothbrush. Then I found another one in my basket. But my family kept taking one of them away from me and giving it to my brother and I kept taking it back but they kept on giving it to him and wouldn’t leave my stuff alone. They kept saying it was his but I didn’t believe them. It was mine because it was in my basket. Then I was crying and so was my little brother.

Fortunately my dad had taken a movie of us looking for our baskets and going through them so my mom had decided we will all watch the video to see and whoever was wrong will have to say sorry. So we all sat down in the sun room and my dad set the movie camera up and we all watched it on the big screen TV. I see myself falling beside the table and couch and someone had to help me up. Then  see we are looking at what we got for Easter and I see I had gotten a new tooth brush and so did my brothers. Then my dad says to me “Your brother is going to put it in your basket by mistake, watch.” I keep watching and sure enough my brother was looking at his toothbrush and his basket was close to mine and he drops his in his basket but it landed in mine and I had my back turned. Then I look in my basket again and I dig in my basket again and see I had gotten another toothbrush and I tell my parents I got two tooth brushes from the Easter bunny.

if it weren’t for my dad taking that video, who knows what would have happened. Maybe my family would have given in and let me keep the tooth brush while they tell my brother they will get him a new one or they tell me they will get me a new tooth brush and I get to pick out anyone I want. Back then you had to prove to me I am wrong and you are right.

I did say sorry when I saw the scene in the video as it was part of the deal and the holiday was saved.

Another problem I used to have as a kid was I would do things and not even be aware of it so it was very hard to convince me I did something like I was talking. So I thought everyone was bullying me, my student teacher and my parents and my 4th grade teacher. I even used to put scotch tape over my mouth in class so my student teacher couldn’t say I was talking but sadly the tape wouldn’t stick so I was screwed either way and it felt uncomfortable. My mom says about that I was just a kid so how was I supposed to know it was even possible to be talking and not be aware of it. But because I was so immune to gaslighting, I didn’t believe I had this problem and I didn’t believe it was my brother’s toothbrush. This was a common problem when I was a kid because I was always right in my own mind and perspective. I see this as a gift and a curse I had when I was a kid. It did keep me from believing other kids lies they would tell me about me when I was a kid and it kept me from questioning my sanity when I would get in trouble for something I didn’t even do or the time my best friend took my Pop Its because she thought they were hers.

I saw a thread on Reddit and someone talked about in their OP the first time they remember being gaslighted when they were 5 years old. Their grandma had gotten them their first kit and it was Sesame Street characters. She goes to the park with her mom and she flies the kite but this kid demands she lets him or her fly it so she does and the kid never gives it back and says it’s theirs. The mother does nothing about it and the family just takes off with the poor child’s kite. The five year old begins to doubt herself. I knew from reading that story, no way would I have questioned myself because I would know it was my kite and argue and cry and try and get it back and then cry and carry on because my kite had just been stolen. The other kid or the mom or my own would have never convinced me it wasn’t mine. That is why I never got gasliughted when my parents would keep on saying I am normal when I would say I wish I was normal and could be like everyone else. They also could never convince me what I was going through as a kid was normal whenever I would be picked on in school or rejected.