My thin privileges

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

I keep hearing about thin privileges in the fat community. I realize I take lot of things for granted because I don’t have to go through what fat people go through or even worry about stuff they need to worry about. I have realized what my thin privileges were and they are:

I don’t need to lose 60 lbs or I would be malnourished and in the hospital

When I worked out at the gym and was using the weight machine, the seat was so wide I could set my phone and water bottle right next to me on the chair

I can have my kids sit right next to me on the chair in our house because I am thin enough to fit one of them there

I don’t need to lose weight so quickly when I work out and my weight is dropping because I am not overweight or obese so I can still eat back my calories

I will find my size in clothes in most clothing stores

When I was pregnant, most of my shorts still fit me and my pants so I didn’t need maternity clothes, I only had maternity pants but most of them were big on me and I needed a size small so i went for the smallest size or else the bigger sizes would keep falling down on me and I hate loose pants around my bottom and in my crotch area. I don’t like the feeling of pants falling down and hanging. I do like to wear clothes that are bigger sizes so they feel right on me

I can eat unhealthy in front of people or go to a McDonalds and eat a large meal and not get judged or even worry about it (I don’t order large meals)

I can wear cute clothes

 

 

But then are downsides to being thin:

“Are you on a diet?” when you refuse cake or sweets or ask for a small piece

“You’re not fat” for the same reason above

People assuming you have an eating disorder just because you are eating healthy or not snacking all day or because you refuse sweets or ask for a small piece or because you are having smaller portions

You are working out and people assume you must be anorexic and you are obsessed with exercising

People assuming you don’t eat

People making comments on how much you eat because it’s not a big enough portion to them or because you have ordered a size small. Maybe you just have a small stomach and get full so you don’t want to waste food and money. I am not going to order a large Dairy Queen blizzard because it has all that sugar and 800 calories for a size large? Plus it will be too much ice cream for me and I don’t need all that sugar so I get a small.

Yes my parents make these sort of comments to me and they did today. Comments on my body and saying I am getting too thin and starting to look anorexic and saying I need to eat more food and I told them I eat three meals a day. Plus my weight has not gone down that much. Even my husband is worried about me and thinks I have burned body fat but gained muscle so that is why it seems like I have not lost that much weight.

 

 

 

 

 

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I thought I made a friend

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

Yesterday morning, I met a guy on the sidewalk who lives down the road from me. He wanted to do running with me and he was very friendly and told me about himself like he goes to school and works with computers and told me about it. He also told me how he does track at school but he never feels motivated to work out and was impressed how I can do it everyday and I told him I go to the gym three times a week too and. Then he asked me if it would be okay if he joins me every morning for a run because he does track and he needs to run more often. He also introduced himself and he asked for my phone number so I can call him when I run again. So we exchanged phone numbers and he had me text him so he can be sure he had my number and he called it and it worked.

Evening comes and I call him and I was hesitant to do it because it was eight but I had promised him I would call him when I go run again so I called it and he didn’t answer so I figured he was busy. I bring the phone with me for in case he calls and he did. He didn’t know who I was and he acted like he had forgotten until I told him who I was and we talked that morning and then he remembered me and he said he had to eat so I told him I will call him in the morning and said bye. It was a very quick chat and I liked it because there was no small talk and it was very quick. The reason way I hate talking on phones is because of small talk. People take too long to get off the phone. I already felt I could relate to this guy because maybe we will have things in common. I was also fantasizing once we know each other more, I could start inviting him over and play video games together.

Morning comes and I get up late so I started out late. I still called him and he didn’t answer again so I figured well it’s Sunday so maybe he is at church.

Then I started to think wouldn’t he have told me he wouldn’t be available the next day because he has church? But wait if he wasn’t interested in running with me, why would he ask for my number? Then I started thinking what if he was hitting on me and this was just a speed date he was doing when he ran with me to my house? How can we tell if someone is hitting on us and if they want more than a friendship? Should I assume every man that talks to me is hitting on me? What if it was another woman, would that mean she is a lesbian or bisexual? Or maybe he was looking for a friendship but decided we didn’t have anything in common after that short talk when he asked me questions. But why would he ask for my phone number then and say he wants to run with me?

With autism or OCD we all tend to be analytical. I get analytical when things don’t make sense so I start to overthink things to figure it out. He could have been hitting on me and I didn’t pick up on it. He could have just asked for my phone number and then reject me. Maybe he really was busy on Saturday night and he was at church on Sunday. But it’s too soon to tell if he was hitting on me and just being polite when he got my phone number or if he is just busy. I will try all week calling him and if he never answers, I will move on assuming he was just hitting on me and I didn’t pick up on it. Sometimes we have to make assumptions or we would all be harassing each other. He didn’t call me back this time but it’s Sunday so he could be at church. If he doesn’t ever call back, it’s because it was too late to call me because I already ran. But I won’t know for all week to know for sure. My rule of thumb is if I can never get a  hold of someone and they never call me, move on.

“I tried anorexia”

Saturday, July 15th, 2017

This is what Megan Trainor said and it got a bunch of people upset especially for those with anorexia and former ones. I just thought it was ignorant. She obviously thinks it’s a life style and a diet choice. She seriously thinks people decide to have anorexia to lose weight but from my personal experience it doesn’t work like that. It happens gradually and then it springs out of control it becomes like an addiction or an obsession and you can’t stop and before you know it, you learn you have an eating disorder or find bones visible on your back or you see your rib cage or you are finding yourself constipated or always tired or feeling like passing out but you are still fat but everyone is telling you you are so skinny and your doctor is telling you you are underweight but you still see these big legs and your big thighs and your big butt and you want to be smaller and everyone is glossing over those things about you. No one decided one day “I don’ like my body so I am going to change it, oh I will have anorexia to get skinny and then my body will be all perfect.” I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 21 even though I wasn’t a skeleton and I wasn’t skinny like those anorexics we often see in photos but yet I was still deemed underweight by my doctor. I never had a tube down my throat nor have I ever done diet pills or excessive workouts or eat ice cubes or line food up or food cans or roll food on my plate, or do any crazy tricks they do. I don’t consider myself an anorexic and never had. That was just a label that was put on me by a doctor and I don’t consider myself underweight because I look like none of the bodies in the underweight photos. My BMI is normal too.

I found a thread about it on Reddit and it sprung into sarcasm with people saying they will try Bipolar or how they tried OCD when their house was a mess and some were saying they tried anorexia for four years and it got them weak and hospitalized and I figured they were serious there but not about trying the anorexia part. I am sure some comments in that thread were serious because people there were admitting about their ignorance of disorders by saying how they tried a disorder. I tried ODD when I was 16. I was ignorant and I was a kid then and still in high school so I had no understanding of disorders then so I just thought they were labels doctors made to give people for their differences and I was given labels for me being different. But I thought ODD was a thing kids did to get their way and get control and be happy because I saw how much control Frankie had over his mom and how she always gave into him so I tried it. I tried to hit my family and tried to break things and be strong about it to get my way so my life would be easier and there would be no more anxiety and I would feel safer in my own home. But instead that got me a threat of being sent out of the home to a mental hospital if I hit again. So I stopped trying ODD. but because that thread was achieved because it was older than six months, I couldn’t comment.

Here is the thread:

Weird man

Friday, July 7th, 2017

Today I went for my walk again to burn off a bag of trail mix I had since I am on a diet and trying to lose weight. This one man honks at me and waves at me and I wave back. I didn’t know him but he waved so I was being polite. Then I thought I saw him pass me again but this time on the right side of the road and then he turned. I kept on walking and then later a car is coming out of the parking lot and it honks at me and flashes its lights and I ignore it figuring that driver is just being an asshole because he couldn’t wait for me to get out of the way. But no it was that same guy again and he pulls over and rolls down his window and starts talking to me. But it was in a different language, it sounded Spanish. I put a confuse look on my face hoping he will know I don’t understand what he is saying but he keeps speaking Spanish so I say “Sorry, I only speak English” and he drives off quickly and I never saw him again. I thought that was very strange. What were his intentions? Was he hitting on me? Was he a predator and trying to kidnap me? Did I offend him because I didn’t speak his language? What did he want? He was an old man in his 40’s or 50’s. Way too old for me and I am married. Or was I being catcalled by this guy? But that was one weird situation I am not even sure if I was harassed or not.

This is supposed to be the worst time of the year for me

Saturday, July 1st, 2017

June 21st was the last day for school and for some reason I was looking forward to it. Parents always hate it when school gets out for the summer and it’s never the exciting time of the year for them like it was when they were children. But me I was pretty happy it was coming and looking forward to it. I was so ready to not have to get up at seven o clock in the morning and having to fill my car 2 or 3 times a month and having to drive everyday and having to leave the house at 2:50 every day to get my son from school. Also summer meant having the whole summer to work on his letters and sounds and having him practice writing and knowing all his numbers and recognizing them.

But I guess this is another weird thing about me. I wonder if my parents hated this time of the year too when I was little. That was always the time when my mom would do work books with us and flash cards and we go on our summer trips but she was also a stay at home mom so it wasn’t inconvenient for her when we weren’t in school. Then by the time she returned to work full time, we were all old enough to look after ourselves and my dad was there and he cooked and took care of us and got us up for school because his business was slow so he wasn’t making any money and he had his own business so he made his own hours. Then when his business did finally pick up which took him about three years, we were all old enough to look after ourselves.

I saw a thread on Reddit posted in the Childfree forum about so many posts on Facebook by parents ranting about summer vacation and all these sad memes about it. Even my sister in law hated this time of the year and she was on Welfare and barely worked and her kids were old enough to stay home and look after their selves and she had her parents around to help. I saw her make a post about it once on Facebook and so did one of my former teachers who was now a parent. I know I am supposed to hate school getting out for the summer but it’s never bothered me so far. I wouldn’t call it a bad thing for it not bothering me and because I was looking forward to it.

Right in front of my house

Thursday, June 22nd, 2017

Last night I was coming home from work and I saw all these police cars in front of my house. The whole road was blocked off so cars had to turn around. I have been watching too many crime documentaries on youtube so I got worried that something had happened to my house and I mostly worried about my children. Had someone come and murdered my family or were my kids hurt so they had police over there?

The closer I got the more clear it became it was a car accident and I wondered if my car was involved because had my dad driven it and crashed it? I looked at the totaled car and it became clear it wasn’t mine just by looking at the headlights. There were people standing on the curb talking and I heard a glimpse of what happened. I go home and asked my parents about it and my mom told me it happened around 8:30 at night and told me what happened.

There was a car chase and it came from the neighborhood behind us and they turned onto the main road but the car behind the SUV truck hit the curb because she didn’t know it was there. The road narrows. So she did a sharp turn cutting this incoming truck off and swiped his side and it pushed him into incoming traffic and that car got his by his truck also swiping its side. Then the car behind it hit it and spun out of control and hit another car and six cars total were hit. the lady in the car who had hit the curb after swiping the truck kept on driving while the car was wrecked. She left car pieces on the side of the road and then she couldn’t go any further. The car was a mess because the wheels came off and it was dark outside so it looked like someone had rested a tire on the side of the car, leaning it beside it.

I was going to show my son the car but it was gone this morning and so were the car parts and the mess in the road had been cleaned up so you wouldn’t even guess there had been an accident but there was still the marks from the residual of the accident. I saw the car had barely missed our mailbox because of the marks on the curb and then she was driving back on the curb again.

I got more information about it this morning from my mother. People who saw the accident had pulled over and chased after the woman saying “don’t you dare leave.” They had road sweepers out like at 2 or 4 in the morning cleaning up the mess. I even heard them. The truck belonged to a young man who was about 20 my mom was guessing and he had three more payment son his truck and he had to call his parents to come get him. They were going to take him to the hospital and they were so distraught. No one was angry at the driver and everyone was glad no one was hurt. The lady that caused the whole accident was cut on her face but not seriously hurt. I asked Mom how fast she was going and she guessed maybe 35-40 and I said that was the speed limit but she was still in a rush and chasing after a car and cut the truck off who was coming towards her. But I felt angry for all those people because they had lost their cars, now they were going to pay higher insurance, and I wondered if the driver was going to be sued for causing all this because of her wreck less driving. She was definitely going to be in trouble with her insurance and my dad thinks she might go to jail and lose her license. But man that was one big accident and I only saw three wrecked cars total so they must have taken the others away before I got there. even neighbors from the block behind us followed after those cars because they also heard the wreck and it sounded like furniture falling over in the house. They had to be at the scene to tell the police it came from their neighborhood and two cars were racing and it was a black SUV truck and it paused and kept on driving and then it stopped at the traffic light and it turned green and it kept on going.

All I can say is “what the hell were they thinking? Racing each other. That is so dangerous.” But her car was so totaled because the whole front was busted off and all the wheels and she kept on driving it until she couldn’t anymore. My mom guessed she was in her twenties and said it was just a kid. She was the only one in the car. Even my mom wonders what the hell was she thinking but she didn’t ask her. But there were a bunch of police cars and two tow trucks with a wrecked car on it. My kids slept through the whole thing. The crash didn’t wake them up. I have heard some car racing on our road occasionally and it just sounds like a race car going by. We definitely didn’t pick a safe spot to live. Just not too long ago there were these tow guys rummaging in cars for stuff and they looked in mine and took my mom’s purse from her car and I saw them doing the same to a Honda and I figured those must have been the same guys who were in our cars and they just left the Honda door opened and I thought at first it was their car and then I drove by it and saw the mess inside and realized they were just looting and looking for stuff and they took off across the street to the apartments. Then I had wished I had called the police to report it because they could be doing it to other cars on the block. I wonder if I should have reported the Honda to the police and those two guys and describe them?

I was very difficult to gaslight

Sunday, June 4th, 2017

I remember when I was a kid, anything I thought or knew, no one could convince me of something that was the untruth. If I know i didn’t do something, no one could convince me I did it because I would never question myself or doubt my own memory or even think I am going crazy. In fact I just thought it was the other person that is lying to me and is wrong. This does seem to be a good quality to have but unfortunately it was also a curse because it gave me problems and other people around me problems too. Just imagine all the gaslighting I must have done over the years but everyone was immune to mine. I also lived in the moment so anything that happened was over. My mom used to often tell me when I was 10-12 years old “Just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.”

I remember one year when it was Easter, I was looking through my basket when I found a toothbrush. Then I found another one in my basket. But my family kept taking one of them away from me and giving it to my brother and I kept taking it back but they kept on giving it to him and wouldn’t leave my stuff alone. They kept saying it was his but I didn’t believe them. It was mine because it was in my basket. Then I was crying and so was my little brother.

Fortunately my dad had taken a movie of us looking for our baskets and going through them so my mom had decided we will all watch the video to see and whoever was wrong will have to say sorry. So we all sat down in the sun room and my dad set the movie camera up and we all watched it on the big screen TV. I see myself falling beside the table and couch and someone had to help me up. Then  see we are looking at what we got for Easter and I see I had gotten a new tooth brush and so did my brothers. Then my dad says to me “Your brother is going to put it in your basket by mistake, watch.” I keep watching and sure enough my brother was looking at his toothbrush and his basket was close to mine and he drops his in his basket but it landed in mine and I had my back turned. Then I look in my basket again and I dig in my basket again and see I had gotten another toothbrush and I tell my parents I got two tooth brushes from the Easter bunny.

if it weren’t for my dad taking that video, who knows what would have happened. Maybe my family would have given in and let me keep the tooth brush while they tell my brother they will get him a new one or they tell me they will get me a new tooth brush and I get to pick out anyone I want. Back then you had to prove to me I am wrong and you are right.

I did say sorry when I saw the scene in the video as it was part of the deal and the holiday was saved.

Another problem I used to have as a kid was I would do things and not even be aware of it so it was very hard to convince me I did something like I was talking. So I thought everyone was bullying me, my student teacher and my parents and my 4th grade teacher. I even used to put scotch tape over my mouth in class so my student teacher couldn’t say I was talking but sadly the tape wouldn’t stick so I was screwed either way and it felt uncomfortable. My mom says about that I was just a kid so how was I supposed to know it was even possible to be talking and not be aware of it. But because I was so immune to gaslighting, I didn’t believe I had this problem and I didn’t believe it was my brother’s toothbrush. This was a common problem when I was a kid because I was always right in my own mind and perspective. I see this as a gift and a curse I had when I was a kid. It did keep me from believing other kids lies they would tell me about me when I was a kid and it kept me from questioning my sanity when I would get in trouble for something I didn’t even do or the time my best friend took my Pop Its because she thought they were hers.

I saw a thread on Reddit and someone talked about in their OP the first time they remember being gaslighted when they were 5 years old. Their grandma had gotten them their first kit and it was Sesame Street characters. She goes to the park with her mom and she flies the kite but this kid demands she lets him or her fly it so she does and the kid never gives it back and says it’s theirs. The mother does nothing about it and the family just takes off with the poor child’s kite. The five year old begins to doubt herself. I knew from reading that story, no way would I have questioned myself because I would know it was my kite and argue and cry and try and get it back and then cry and carry on because my kite had just been stolen. The other kid or the mom or my own would have never convinced me it wasn’t mine. That is why I never got gasliughted when my parents would keep on saying I am normal when I would say I wish I was normal and could be like everyone else. They also could never convince me what I was going through as a kid was normal whenever I would be picked on in school or rejected.

My first parking ticket

Sunday, May 28th, 2017

Yesterday I took my son to the caves and i took my daughter with. I brought food with for them to eat for when we get hungry, I brought water and two big flashlights and a tiny one. I also brought coats and a sweatshirt for my daughter. It was warm out and because it’s the holiday weekend, all the parking spots were full and the other two empty ones I saw were only reserved for over sized vehicles so I had to pull out and find another spot to park. Lot of cars were parked on the side of the road that were not parking spots so I decided to do the same but avoided parking in spots that said no parking. I parked near a car and it was right at the edge and I didn’t feel comfortable going too far over or else my car could fall down and I wouldn’t be able to get out and my car could tip over and I didn’t want that. I see a park ranger drive by driving some ambulance looking truck so I asked him if this was safe and he said yeah. My parking was fine he said so I continued getting ready for the cave and i had to walk to the visitor center to buy a pass and then I had to walk all the way back to my car and put it on my rear view mirror. Then we headed back and went to the cave. It was memories coming back when I was there when I was about six or seven. But we only made it in the entrance of the cave and my Uncle John was there and I remember other families had lanterns and my mom wouldn’t rent one and I was told we couldn’t go further in the cave because it was too dark and I remembered seeing water and this railing. I thought that as the worst trip ever because we barely got to go in the cave and see it and to me that was not visiting it and why take your kids to see a cave if you don’t intend to go in it because it’s too dark? I was going to give my children a better experience. But then I remembered it was because my brother was afraid of the dark so my mom didn’t rent a lantern and we left because my brother was too scared. He had dark phobia because of our former nanny used to put him in the bathroom with no light on and hold the door shut and then I started to do it after she was fired and it was very hard for my parents to get me to quit. No matter how much they punished me, I still did it until they figured out our nanny did it so that was where I got it from. I don’t know what my mom did then because I remember I grew out of locking him in there. But I did it as a joke while she did it as a punishment. But we never visited the cave again and I didn’t like the drive anyway because it was too long and then I discovered it was never that far away from where we lived but it seemed like a long drive because of the roads (you have to drive slow, 25 mph and 35mph and the speed limit always changes and the highest is 50 mph and then it changes to a lower speed when you reach curves so that is what makes it a long drive for a little kid. Then when you are in the park, you then have to drive slow always on the way to the cave and that is about 35 mph) and because I just had a short attention span and I got bored too quickly always. But my son thought the trip was short there and back but maybe because he had entertainment. I didn’t. I didn’t have a Gameboy and my mom didn’t play kid songs for us and she didn’t bring any activities with like coloring books or something.

But anyway I was imagining getting a ticket for not having a pass in my car while I was getting the pass and luckily there was no ticket on my car and two new cars had been parked behind me facing the same direction as me.

We did the cave and it was wet and cold and we heard water dripping and there was a breeze blowing through. There was lot of climbing over rocks and uneven ground so I spent most of my time looking a the ground and having my son shine light on it. It was more like a tunnel and then there was a dead end because it would get narrower and narrower to a point you had to crawl and then you reach the end and have to go back. I wanted to do the upper cave but couldn’t because it was more difficult and my daughter was falling down a lot and my son was scared of the cave because it was dark. The lower cave had more visitors than the upper cave because the lower cave is family friendly. Toddlers can do it and little kids because the cave is easy while the upper cave is more difficult so ten and up is recommended. Plus the whole thing is free except for passes. You only need to pay for a pass plus lantern rental if you didn’t bring any flashlights.

Then when we got back to the entrance, we removed our coats and we looked in the visitors center and then we headed back to my car and I let the kids eat again and it was like a picnic we were having because I don’t allow them to eat in my car. Then on the way back I noticed papers under my wiper so I pulled over and looked at it and it was a restriction or otherwise interfering with use on a road violation. I was confused. I paid for the pass, I didn’t park illegally. Did all the other vehicles get tickets too because they all parked in none parking spots?

I didn’t panic and I just went home and put the ticket in my purse and there was no contact number so it felt like a passive aggressive ticket. I had no way to defend myself and then I saw I will get a letter in the mail about my court date. I decided I would fight it and just tell them what happened because I wasn’t violating anything. I was parked on the side, I didn’t park in no No Parking zones, there were no parking spots because it was all full so everyone was parking on the side of the road and even the rangers were okay with it and even one of them said I was fine where my car was. I would think they would be shouting out their windows at everyone walking to the visitor center about them not parking their cars on the side of the road where there is no parking spots marked. My mom thinks I should write a letter to the address listed on the envelope. I decided to wait for the court date to be mailed to me. But then I find out online that fighting a parking ticket is a hassle because you need to have proof and I don’t have proof. If only I had noticed that ticket before I had left, I could have taken a photo of where my car is parked to show to the judge but I doubt I would have known to do that then too.

I remember the time my mom got a parking ticket when I was in 6th grade and she did pay for parking because she had it on her dashboard and I noticed the ticket so I got it for her and handed it to her and my mom said it was the officer’s problem if he didn’t see the permit. I thought then it was her problem because she now has to pay money for it for something she didn’t even do. I wonder if she got that resolved in court and she did have proof, I knew then to just save her parking permit to show to the court and it will have the date and time on it. I don’t know if she ever paid it or took it to court and had to pay a reduced fine or had it dismissed.

But boy I hate bogus tickets and I would hate to have something on my record for something I didn’t even do. I still wish I could hear from the officer about why he issued me that ticket and what his perspective is and how exactly I violated the use of the road. the ticket was issued while I was out of the cave but hadn’t gone back to the car yet. I was either outside the cave or at the visitor center. I looked at the time and saw this happened way after I had parked my car and I was out of the cave by then. But if I got a ticket for parking in a none parking spot, then all the other cars probably got tickets too including the ones that parked in a No parking zone and maybe two other cars that parked a car in a No Parking Zone so I can imagine the parked in victim probably got a ticket too for parking in the No Parking zone while the other two cars would get two tickets for blocking another vehicle and for parking in a No Parking zone.

I would wonder why not just do shuttle buses and build a new parking lot somewhere and make it big and do shuttles. That would solve their parking problem. They could put it in a nearest town if they have to like put it in town that is along the interstate and have a sign there for national forest and do shuttles from there. That spot could only be open for during busy seasons and do shuttles seasonally when they have lot of visitors but then they would have to add a fee to enter the park because I think that is what pays for their shuttles to make the visit easier. But that was still a good idea but I realized what they would have to do if they decided to do a big parking lot and add in shuttle buses. The state is separate from national forests and parks. You get a federal ticket instead when you do a violation there and I don’t think state tax helps pay for national parks or forests.

No you don’t have OCD just because you like your house clean

Sunday, May 21st, 2017

So when the sales guy was at my house showing me the Kirby doing a demonstration, he told me he was OCD. I asked him if he had that diagnoses and he said he has never gotten one before. I then didn’t believe he had it because lot of people think they have it just because they like things a certain way or in order or because they are stuck on a topic and spend hours with it researching it and reading about it and can’t stop.

I wanted to tell him that OCD is not really having a clean house and needing it all clean and asking him if he actually likes needing to have a clean house. from my understanding people with OCD do not like wanting to have a clean house but they can’t stop it because of bad thoughts and thinking something bad will happen. I can’t even relate to that and that doesn’t even describe me. But yet if someone likes their house to be very clean, everyone thinks that person is OCD. No they are not unless there is anxiety behind it and they get distressed about the need to want their house to be neat and there has to be fear behind it. It’s too bad how doctors and everyone will be quick to say someone has OCD without looking behind the symptoms first to see if it’s truly OCD. Now I wonder if I had been misdiagnosed with it because no one had ever talked to me about why I wanted the house clean. I just don’t like messes. No I am not scared of them, I just don’t like messes. No I am not scared of dirt or germs. No I am not afraid of our house getting roamed with termites or having rodents come in or thinking our house will fall down if it’s not clean. No I do not get anxiety as I am cleaning.

I often hear online how people will say they are OCD about their house or OCD about something or say how it makes their OCD crazy when something isn’t even. People with real OCD get annoyed with that stuff. Occasionally I will see someone come to the OCD forum on Reddit and ask about their “compulsion” and they are just talking about being fixated on a topic and how they can’t stop researching it and learning everything about it and thinking about it and I think “that’s isn’t OCD, that is a symptoms of autism.” But my mom would call it OCD because she thinks they’re both the same but have different labels. But at least one person will point out to them to the Asperger’s forum on Reddit and tell the OP they are leaning towards autism about their obsession.

But that was my first time ever seeing someone saying they are OCD because they are also clean. Even Jerry did the same thing but it was about organization and because I wasn’t organized enough for him, I wasn’t OCD so therefore the doctors were wrong. Maybe they were. So was my ex because OCD isn’t liking things organized and people with OCD would get anxiety from wanting things organized and not get pleasure out of it or feel calm about it and there would be worry behind it and anxiety behind it and it would drive them crazy needing things to be organized and they can’t stop even though they want to. It certainly didn’t drive him crazy wanting things in order and he liked it. There was no fear behind it or anxiety and no “Oh no it’s the end of the world because my soup can is in the wrong spot, oh no, I’m dead. Now I have to make sure nothing bad will happen after it’s been in the wrong spot because my girlfriend didn’t know how to put it back when she was snooping.” Now that’s OCD and lot of OCDers don’t have that compulsion and that is why it’s a stereotype because most people think of organization and liking things even and in order and being neat when they hear the word OCD and they may also picture excessive hand washing and excessive checking things and fear of germs. Monk was a stereotype of it because he feared dirt so he always had to wipe his hands after shaking hands. Then there was As Good As It Gets and Jack Nicholson in it couldn’t step on any cracks and he feared germs so he wore gloves and couldn’t use the same bar of soap. But other things he did did seem to lean towards autism like the need to sit in a certain spot in a restaurant and being upset about his usual waitress not being there. Some people believe he was misdiagnosed as having OCD so they view him as an aspie.

I remember another funny story. I was seeing my school counselor one time when I was 15 and it was during school. I had my Game Boy Color with me and he said I was doing OCD and I asked him why and he said I keep on taking off the battery cover because I keep thinking it’s not on right and I want to be sure it’s on right and I keep thinking it’s not so I have to keep checking. I told him that was not why I was doing it and I know it’s on right and I am just taking it off because I am and putting it back on. So he gets up and takes the system out of my hand and sits back down and I start to play with my fingers and he goes “Oh I see, I took this away and now you are twisting your fingers.” He then said he took it away so he could see what I do and he saw I will just go to my fingers. It was not about the battery cover and I am just someone who will play with things in her hand and if I have nothing, I play with my fingers.

So people just make assumptions when they see a behavior and assume it’s OCD. Thoughts get stuck in your head, oh that must be OCD. You keep getting distracted by thoughts, oh that’s OCD. My question to those accusations would be “is there any anxiety behind it?” “Are they bad thoughts or happy thoughts?” “Do they give the person distress?” If not, it’s not OCD. Someone even asked on Wrongplanet about listening to the same song over and over OCD and I said it was not if it’s not giving them distress. If they are doing it because they enjoy it, it’s not OCD. I have even seen people say online about songs being stuck in your head OCD. Unless it gives them distress, then it is.

I got a Kirby

Saturday, May 20th, 2017

I learned that Kirby got its name after the person who invented the vacuum. I always thought it was called Kirby because it sucks in a lot of dirt. The person who was selling it to me said he thought the same too and I mentioned that Nintendo character and no wonder it got its name because he sucks in enemies and other things.

They had a special going on about the vacuum and today it was Kirby’s anniversary the day it was invented so they did a extra special so I got an extra discount. The whole thing took us two hours to do because they came 40 minutes before I had to leave to get my son and I thought they were only going to clean a room because that is what they said but instead it was the whole Kirby demonstration thing and I had to watch it first. then I had my husband take over when I got my son from school and I took over again and then my husband took over when I had to leave for work. Then they came back today and finished the rest of their demonstration and it took us about three hours and the seller said I was a very good listener because I was learning fast and lot of people don’t learn that quickly because they don’t listen. It’s too much to take in because of lot of talking. My kids enjoyed the vacuum so they are going to be excited to see it when they get home. I plan on doing the stairs tomorrow.

They didn’t keep their promise of cleaning our couches in the living room because they were too dirty they said and they told me to watch the DVD and vacuum the couches thoroughly and then shampoo them. So I did that and they look cleaner.

I had fun with my new toy so I vacuumed the couches and cleaned the seat cushions and the arms. Then I vacuumed my son’s room and cleaned our bedroom and vacuumed the rug and moved the couch and chair and vacuumed. Then I went outside and cut the grass but I had my husband help me start it and then I put the broken branches in the white truck and the small ones in the compost bin and I mowed the front lawn and then picked up some garbage on our patio and threw it away and put some stuff up in the attic and my own stuff and. I also got the house organized by cleaning out our drawers in the living room and dining room and I organized everything and I put all the pens and pencils in a baggy and I found a bunch of batteries and put them in one baggy. I did what my grandma Doe used to do. I also found my mom’s Costco membership card. I also found my son’s library book that was over do so I stuck it on the kitchen counter for him to take to school the following day. Now we don’t have to pay to replace it. I also found my husband’s medical bill and put it on his computer chair and I found our credit card bill for June so I put it down there too on his chair. I hate it when my father opens our mail and doesn’t tell us about it and he just tosses it into a pile with other junk. Then we don’t know about it so we never see the bills come or anything else important. My parents don’t want to go all the way to the basement to drop mail off down there like I do and I put it where my husband can see it. I put my parents mail on the kitchen counter because I know they will look when they see it there.  But yet they won’t do the same for us, they won’t leave it at my computer. I also tossed out a bunch of papers that were junk and I put all the photos in the bottom drawer and tossed out the empty CD cases and my dad wasn’t here to save stuff he thinks it’s worth keeping so it was my chance to get rid of stuff without him prying in. He is out of town with Mom for a few days because my brother is graduating.

I also found my dad’s medals and put them in his room and I put all the scissors and scotch tape and glue sticks together in the top drawer with the pens and pencils and batteries and stuff I tossed in a sack for Goodwill. I also found a flashlight, my son’s pencil sharpener, stapler, staples, bunch of screws so I stuck them in one baggy. I also found old camera film, ear buds that never been opened. you find interesting things when cleaning.

Boy I love cleaning but getting started is the hardest because it takes motivation but once I start, I can’t stop so I basically cleaned all day.