Archive for June 4th, 2017

I was very difficult to gaslight

Sunday, June 4th, 2017

I remember when I was a kid, anything I thought or knew, no one could convince me of something that was the untruth. If I know i didn’t do something, no one could convince me I did it because I would never question myself or doubt my own memory or even think I am going crazy. In fact I just thought it was the other person that is lying to me and is wrong. This does seem to be a good quality to have but unfortunately it was also a curse because it gave me problems and other people around me problems too. Just imagine all the gaslighting I must have done over the years but everyone was immune to mine. I also lived in the moment so anything that happened was over. My mom used to often tell me when I was 10-12 years old “Just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it never happened.”

I remember one year when it was Easter, I was looking through my basket when I found a toothbrush. Then I found another one in my basket. But my family kept taking one of them away from me and giving it to my brother and I kept taking it back but they kept on giving it to him and wouldn’t leave my stuff alone. They kept saying it was his but I didn’t believe them. It was mine because it was in my basket. Then I was crying and so was my little brother.

Fortunately my dad had taken a movie of us looking for our baskets and going through them so my mom had decided we will all watch the video to see and whoever was wrong will have to say sorry. So we all sat down in the sun room and my dad set the movie camera up and we all watched it on the big screen TV. I see myself falling beside the table and couch and someone had to help me up. Then ┬ásee we are looking at what we got for Easter and I see I had gotten a new tooth brush and so did my brothers. Then my dad says to me “Your brother is going to put it in your basket by mistake, watch.” I keep watching and sure enough my brother was looking at his toothbrush and his basket was close to mine and he drops his in his basket but it landed in mine and I had my back turned. Then I look in my basket again and I dig in my basket again and see I had gotten another toothbrush and I tell my parents I got two tooth brushes from the Easter bunny.

if it weren’t for my dad taking that video, who knows what would have happened. Maybe my family would have given in and let me keep the tooth brush while they tell my brother they will get him a new one or they tell me they will get me a new tooth brush and I get to pick out anyone I want. Back then you had to prove to me I am wrong and you are right.

I did say sorry when I saw the scene in the video as it was part of the deal and the holiday was saved.

Another problem I used to have as a kid was I would do things and not even be aware of it so it was very hard to convince me I did something like I was talking. So I thought everyone was bullying me, my student teacher and my parents and my 4th grade teacher. I even used to put scotch tape over my mouth in class so my student teacher couldn’t say I was talking but sadly the tape wouldn’t stick so I was screwed either way and it felt uncomfortable. My mom says about that I was just a kid so how was I supposed to know it was even possible to be talking and not be aware of it. But because I was so immune to gaslighting, I didn’t believe I had this problem and I didn’t believe it was my brother’s toothbrush. This was a common problem when I was a kid because I was always right in my own mind and perspective. I see this as a gift and a curse I had when I was a kid. It did keep me from believing other kids lies they would tell me about me when I was a kid and it kept me from questioning my sanity when I would get in trouble for something I didn’t even do or the time my best friend took my Pop Its because she thought they were hers.

I saw a thread on Reddit and someone talked about in their OP the first time they remember being gaslighted when they were 5 years old. Their grandma had gotten them their first kit and it was Sesame Street characters. She goes to the park with her mom and she flies the kite but this kid demands she lets him or her fly it so she does and the kid never gives it back and says it’s theirs. The mother does nothing about it and the family just takes off with the poor child’s kite. The five year old begins to doubt herself. I knew from reading that story, no way would I have questioned myself because I would know it was my kite and argue and cry and try and get it back and then cry and carry on because my kite had just been stolen. The other kid or the mom or my own would have never convinced me it wasn’t mine. That is why I never got gasliughted when my parents would keep on saying I am normal when I would say I wish I was normal and could be like everyone else. They also could never convince me what I was going through as a kid was normal whenever I would be picked on in school or rejected.