Yesterday I had to take my husband to his appointment and he always takes the light rail home. It was about his medicine and his doctor wanted to be sure how it’s working.
Anyway I was talking and somehow I brought up Jayden. It started with me talking about my car and how well it’s running and how I have had my clutch replaced once and I was told by the mechanic it should have lasted me over 100,000 miles but since my car is a salvaged title, who knows what they might have done with the clutch to make it go out this quickly. Ten years later the clutch still works good. I asked my husband if the clutch and the transmission were the same thing and he said he didn’t know because he is not a mechanic. So I asked him why people always get new cars, is it because they don’t want to pay money to fix them so they get a new car and my husband said he did not know. I then told him about my Dad’s 1996 Grand Cherokee he used to have. He only had it for about a year and then 5th gear went out. Then the 4th gear went out and he didn’t want to pay the money to fix it so he traded it in for another car. It was an automatic. He traded it for the same car brand but this time it was a 2001 Grand Cherokee.
Then I told him the story about how when I got m clutch replaced, it cost me $720 dollars but my dad paid a little of the difference but I paid most of it. But then Jayden wanted me to write to Social Security and have them reimburse me. My husband snickered at that because that is not how it works. I told him Jayden only wanted me to do that because he wanted me to take him out and stuff than me staying home to save money again to build up my savings. I remember telling him I wanted to be independent and he said he would move out then and I asked him “what?” and he goes “Well you said you wanted to be independent so I will move out.” I was like “are you serious?” and my husband told me he was just being an asshole. I told him “or he was just that stupid.”
Then I told my husband this story about the time I was going to see Cars and I tell Jayden what time we were leaving and when I wanted him to get ready by and he stays on his computer and never gets off and then I had to rush him to get ready. he tells me how I told him he had to be patient and not do things NOW. I was like “Are you serious, the movie starts at four.” Then I said to my husband if he was really that stupid and he goes he just wanted to be on his computer more.
That is one of the reasons why he is my ex.
I tell my husband I just don’t know if Jayden was really that stupid or just an asshole. My husband said “maybe both.” I tell him asshole just implies you full well know what you are doing and you understand but you just don’t care but since he is a schizophrenic and I read that schizophrenics also have cognitive deficits, I just don’t know if he was really that dumb or an asshole. Yes anyone can be an asshole and even an idiot can be an asshole, anyone can be one but I just don’t know if Jayden was being one in those moments or if he was really stupid.
Sometimes mental illnesses and disorders make it really hard to tell if someone is just being an asshole or if they are doing it unintentionally because of their disorder. I am not saying people with mental illnesses or disabilities can’t be one. To me asshole implies intent. Like you wouldn’t call a deaf person an asshole for “ignoring you” because they couldn’t hear you when you were talking to them so therefore they didn’t listen. So if Jayden really was this dumb, he wasn’t being an asshole then for that behavior. It was just his cognitive deficits that made him not comprehend. But I will never know and I am not with him so it doesn’t matter if his behavior was intentional or not.