Family ignorance

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

I saw another question being posted online asking if anyone had ever had to endure bullying in the family.

Occasionally my brothers and their friends would deliberately make messes to stress me out and run off and hide or take my Barbies and pull the clothes off them and put them in my dollhouse having them hanging out of windows and denying they did it. This was about it. The rest was just typical sibling annoyance like going in my room, whining, messing with my dollhouse or playhouse and they were little so they didn’t know any better. I know my youngest brother didn’t whine to piss any of us off, that was just who he is. That was not bullying there, only when they would deliberately make messes to stress me out and what they did with my Barbies.

But when my brothers got older, they started to have friends over more and more often because they had reached the age where kids start to socialize and chit chat and always have their friends around. It started to get too much for me to handle because they would be in my personal space, make too much noise, make messes and move too many things around. I did not like it at all so it would stress me out. That was when my parents started to change. They would get mad at me for my anxiety and that started to make it worse so I got worse. I remember when i pointed this out to them, they said they didn’t change I did. Yes the gaslighting behavior I had to face. They didn’t see my perspective and see it from my side so they denied denied any change and said I was the one who changed. But meanwhile my brothers seemed to get worse and worse all because they were getting older and louder and I didn’t understand why I had all of a sudden gotten more sensitive to the noise and why I was having more anxiety than before. But no one gave a damn, it was made out to be my fault and even the pills didn’t work because I still had it. Maybe if I took them every day instead of when I was having anxiety, maybe they would have been effective.

Another problem I faced was lack of understanding from my family. My brothers were still too young to understand my condition so they just ignored my needs and my problems. They just kept on minding their own business and doing what they were doing not even paying attention to my behavior and my anxiety. I remember the nights of not being able to relax and sleep because I was so worried about my brothers making messes and it didn’t help when my parents would get mad at me about it.

Then we moved into our new house and that was exciting. We had lots of room now. But my anxiety was still worse because my dad decided to bring home a new puppy who wouldn’t learn to pee outside because he had his bathroom all backwards. Then it didn’t help that no one wanted to house train it and pay attention to it so tremendous anxiety I had. Then when that puppy passed away, I was better again but I still had anxiety because of lack of understanding from my family. Whenever my brothers had parties, I would get worse again due to the anxiety. There would be messes and I hated messes and it would stress me out. Also no one would pick up after themselves and I was very obsessive about a clean house and I would have anxiety about dirt and crumbs and dirty dishes in the sink or laying all over.

I remember I felt abused because I was having all this anxiety so it felt like I was being abused and tortured and tormented because everyone kept doing things that was stressing me out and they knew it did but they kept on doing it. When I tried to tell this to my mother, she just went “You only want to move out because you just want your way.” That was hurtful because that was implying I was just having a tantrum and being controlling. It was very invalidating. How hard is it to just wipe up your crumbs or just throw away garbage or put something away when you are done with it or how hard is to wipe up your spill or mess or when you do a drop on the floor? But her just saying I wanted my way makes it sound like I was only having tantrums and being manipulative to get what I want and that I was choosing to have anxiety and being all stressed out or that I was faking it. What happened to the mother that used to understand me? She said I was the one who changed, not her and I was just screaming like a two year old. I think she said that to justify her treatment of me than admitting she lacked compassion and understanding. I have been noticing a lot of people have narcissistic tenancies but it doesn’t mean they are narcissists nor does it mean they have NPD. My mom had that N tenancy. Avoiding responsibility, putting the blame on me, the gaslighting, finding excuses to justify her behavior. But I think it only becomes narcissist when they do it all the time and my mom doesn’t do it all the time. She only does it in certain areas but not in most areas. I don’t think she will ever understand and I don’t bother trying to explain it to her because I don’t want to deal with this and having all the blame thrown on me because that is like blaming it on an autistic person or on someone for being deaf or for being sick with a mental illness and I feel that is what she is doing with me. She is acting like I did this all on purpose and I acted it all out and I was being manipulative and having tantrums to get my way. She is acting like I wanted to be that way. No she never apologized for her cold behavior and for saying that or for her lack of understanding. That is why I think she still doesn’t get it. She doesn’t have anxiety, she is not in my head so what would she know. She doesn’t even know ASD gets worse in adolescence or she would have understood that in me. Even then I thought I was going crazy and I didn’t understand what was going on and why has it gotten worse for me? I even feel sometimes to this day that maybe I acted all that out and faked it and maybe I really was just being a bitch and wanted my way and I was using anxiety as an excuse. I even feel I should have tried harder and hold in my feelings and try and suffer in silence instead of showing it.

My therapist was no help either because he didn’t seem to have an understanding because he kept saying I was a police woman and using my own condition against me by saying “when people tell you to stop yelling, do you stop?” That is like telling someone “When people tell you to stop having a sensory overload, do you stop?” Also he acted like I wanted my way because he was saying how everyone puts up with stuff and my parents put up with the messes and noise for one night. For me it was pure torture while for most people it might just be an annoyance. For me it was beyond annoyance. But no one cared.

My mom also thought I was trying to be Asperger’s as if I wanted to have all that anxiety and always be so stressed out and always have daily meltdowns due to the chaos they were doing. Then she blamed it on my school counselor so she fired him. I think she just needed someone to blame and it was him because of what he said but I wonder what would have happened if he had said I had anxiety instead of Asperger’s. Then what? But I think she was just so upset because I had gotten worse due to the anxiety and my brothers getting older and what they were doing and their lack of following my rules so that made me worse so I think my mother needed him to blame. She just needed an excuse for me and used him because he became the culprit because of what he said. But she had accidentally found out from that that he wasn’t the right person for me to be seeing because he didn’t think I could get better, he didn’t say “it will get better once she gets passed these teens and she is out on her own.” He didn’t show sympathy for my mother. He also didn’t have faith in me and he told her my parents were wasting their money on me seeing a therapist and saying I will always be that way. So she was right to fire him due to that reason than for the other thing. Plus he was just giving me excuses and wasn’t teaching me how to cope and get better and he didn’t have a PH D but was acting like he was a therapist instead of just a counselor. So of how much he told me, I have no idea if it was BS or not.

But since my mom had told me my therapist had gotten me mad on purpose to get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings, I wonder if he was being ignorant of my anxiety on purpose to piss me off. Mom told me he wanted me to get mad at him and hate on him so I would get rid of all that anger and hurt feelings from over the years. Now I don’t know anymore of how much he said was truthful or just him trying to piss me off.

But once my brothers got to high school, they started to follow my rules so instead of being loud and doing running in and out of the house, they started to be quiet and stay in their area and taking off their shoes. I then started to not notice when my brothers were having parties or had friends over because they would be so quiet. They still watched TV and talked and played video games but they were not acting all wild like teens do when they hang out. My brothers finally were older so they started to understand and found a compromise. Then I was acting normal because of no more anxiety. I was calm and they were not doing all that chaos. So I got better again because of less anxiety. Then I moved out like I’ve always wanted since I was 16.

I am sure if I were to compare this to abuse and torment and bullying and saying that is what it was like for me and it was like they were doing it intentionally to upset me and make me stressed out and uncomfortable because I had already told them how it made me feel and how I don’t like it and how much it upsets me, it might come off as manipulation because they are not in my head so what would they know? They would just think I am just saying this to be manipulative and that I wanted my way and still trying to do that. So that is why I don’t really talk about it and I just keep it to myself and only share it online because I am sure they would understand, those who suffer from anxiety, those who suffer from OCD, those who suffer from autism or sensory processing disorder. But anyone else reading this, I am sure they would just think I am whining and being a cry baby because what would they know if they have never experienced it?

 

 

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