What if I am just being paranoid?

Sunday, September 4th, 2016

With all the stuff online about narcissism and stuff about relationship abuse and the signs of it and narcissist hoovering and their fake apologies and articles about covert narcissists faking medical conditions and covert narcissism being unrecognized by so many professionals they tend to get misdiagnosed with other conditions instead, how do any of us know if our abusers had a true mental illness? How do we know if their apologies are real? How do we know they were not a narcissist?

Jerry sent me a post that was very triggering but what if she had sent me that post because she was so upset I felt so negative about her and the damage she had done and how much she had hurt me so she had to share all her diagnoses with me so I could learn more about them and heal and move on and not be so hurt anymore? What if she had done it for me than for her? What if this was about me, not about her image? My mind is full of pipe dreams but then I remember the bad stuff so it makes me think to stay no contact with her. She abandoned me anyway. Talked to me and then disappeared again back in 2007. Now she has left me a post and disappeared again but after writing how I marked her post as spam so they will all go to spam next time so I wouldn’t see them, that makes me think of course she wouldn’t leave me more messages because I said I wouldn’t be seeing them so what would be the point? If her post gave me an anxiety attack and gave me chest pains all day and had to write about it here, of course she wouldn’t post anything else to me because maybe she doesn’t want me to have any panic attacks and make it worse for me. Maybe she didn’t send me that message to ruin my day or to get to me, maybe she sent it as a tip. It makes me feel safe when I wrote how I marked her post as spam so I wouldn’t keep seeing it and me hoping all her future messages will go to spam automatically so I wouldn’t have to see them because then I wouldn’t be hurt again when I don’t hear from her again. I can just think me writing that kept her away because what would be the point in posting on here if I won’t see it?

I hate it when my brain does this. The paranoia and then the pipe dream thinking.

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