A discovery about Jayden

Saturday, August 20th, 2016

On Reddit someone asked what happened to the person who took your virginity. Last time I saw my ex online, he was living in Bigfork, Montana and last time I looked his mother up, she was divorced and working as an artist. I decided to try googling his name to see if I find anything. I narrowed the search to his name and town name and I found a court document about his parents. Why was it even online is beyond me. So I read it and it was about their divorce and saying when they married and separated and they never had kids together, the husband had two from previous marriage and the mother only had Jayden who was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and lives in a one bedroom apartment and his mom helps him with daily assistance.

My mom had been right about him possibly being a schizophrenic and I had started to wonder years later if he was somewhere on that spectrum. I also thought he might have been borderline retarded and wondering if he was some sort of sociopath since he was a user and a bum. So I looked up paranoid schizophrenia to read more about it to see how much of him was the illness or just him and it’s hard to say. I do wonder though.

It said they lack interest in daily living, my ex stopped showering and brushing his teeth and was always on the computer and never got off.

He had no interest in working and wanted everything handed to him and he believed the government owned everything and could just take it from you and the government paid people to assassinate someone if they knew something they didn’t want them to know about. I knew then his thinking was weird and I didn’t like how he would get an idea in his head and believe it without finding any proof first. He had some bizarre thoughts.

My mom thinks he didn’t know how to interact with people even though me and him always talked and we also argued a lot too and we did go out and do stuff together.

He claimed he didn’t know the months in order and his seven days of the week and he said to remember how to do things, he has to do it over and over none stop and he told me he wouldn’t be able to remember how to get to McDonalds so I would still have to take him to work anyway even if he had his license. Then he changed his story to he can remember everything fine and won’t need a job coach for employment. He even denied telling me he has to do something over and over everyday for him to remember for 30 days straight.

He was naive so his cousin ripped him off and one of his friends. They stole from him and they said his games and computer were stolen from them but I think that’s a lie. I think they stole it themselves and pawned them off and his cousin really did pawn off his video games because they were in the computer system in the game store at the mall when we talked to the cashier while I was purchasing something. But my bullshit meter went off when Jayden told me his friends said his PC was stolen out of their apartment. I found it unlikely someone would go to their home and take only that and the fact why would they even go to that location just to break into an apartment. They lived in the country so theft is very unlikely.

He also thought I wanted him to cross the highway instead of the street that was between the gas station and supermarket and they were both on the same side of the highway.

He was a pathological liar, made excuses, and would say he did things when he really didn’t.

My mom mentioned he had a creepy look on his face when he would be at their house, it looked like a drug face, the look Dakota Fanning had on her face in Hide and Seek after she had witnessed her mother’s death.

My mother also mentioned the way he used his hands for gesturing was the way he did it she’s seen in people with schizophrenia.

I remember I had to nag him to do things like get ready to leave to see the movie Cars and nag him to get stuff done and he would say this was all retarded. I felt like I was taking care of a teenager and I was the mother nagging nagging nagging.

Perhaps he had gotten worse if his diagnoses is paranoid schizophrenia. I don’t know how much of his behavior was due to his illness when we were together. He came off as a user and someone who was trying to manipulate me and play mind games with me to get his way for his own good. He came off as someone who just didn’t simply want to work so he wanted everything handed to him and didn’t think money should even exist. He was very much of a communist but I knew his ideas wouldn’t work. He came off as someone who always made excuse after excuse blowing me off when I would try and help him and give him advice. He came off as someone who was too into being true into himself it made him an asshole and alienated him from his relatives and other people. He believed he had to change who he was if he had to change anything about himself such as cutting back on the teasing for me or removing his trench coat in 90 degree weather. But I don’t see him as a toxic guy nor as an abuser like I do with Jerry. I was also hurt by Jayden but he didn’t hurt me in the same way as Jerry did.

Well I got my answer for what was wrong with Jayden. Now I wonder if he was below average intelligent or was that also his schizophrenia. Even back then I felt like he often acted like his mind had been fried from weed. My mom felt the same way too about him. Now I know that was probably his mental illness and that is one of the things they rule out first before diagnosing schizophrenia.

But I was surprised with the label because I was expecting he had something lighter on the spectrum. He didn’t come off as he was hallucinating or being delusional and he never talked to himself nor shout out in the open air. He didn’t think people were spying on him nor were after him. He never did any false accusations on me except thinking his parents took all his money and spend it on their land which was Social Security money his mom got for him until he turned 18 because his bio dad killed himself. But like I say, he had probably gotten worse and schizophrenia is something that gets worse. He might have been at his early stages of it and he stopped brushing his teeth and showering when we were together. Then when I saw him in December of 2006 that year after we broke up, his hair was a mess and I could tell he had showered but didn’t brush it after he got out. I thought it was due to laziness. I did try to stay friends with him but it didn’t work out and I was less interested in seeing him and we still talked online and then I didn’t see him online anymore and he took me off his myspace friends because I had changed my name and he didn’t know it was me. I chose to not re add him and he didn’t bother re adding me. We just drifted apart. Then he tried to add me as a friend on Facebook in 2009 but I didn’t accept his request because I didn’t think it would be right to be his friend if I was still saying bad stuff about him because our relationship wasn’t good and he was a crazy ex. There was nothing positive to say about him. Only way to not say bad stuff about him is to pretend I never had a relationship with him and lie to the whole world about how many ex’s I have had pretending he never existed in my life. That means being silenced about my personal experience and what my first ex was like.

I have no idea what he is like today like how functional is he, what does he do now and is he working, does he drive. What things does his mother help him with. Does he still have friends. Is she in charge of his money. But it’s great he has support from his mother even though she isn’t able to work full time because she has to take care of him. Perhaps she can get him a caregiver or ask for help from the state. My mom says he would have destroyed me and I told her about this and she read the court document and she couldn’t believe they had it online for everyone to read. She said to me “Aren’t you glad you aren’t with him, can you imagine, he would have been too much for you to handle.” Even when I was with him, my mental health was going downhill and it was affecting my employment and my functioning and when I realized how much happier I was without him around, I broke up with him and I was seen as the bad guy by some people. They felt threatened when i would tell them the reasons why we broke up because they would ask. This is why people don’t tell you why they break up, they don’t know if you will judge them or not and side against them. Instead they leave their answers vague and don’t give you any detail no matter how much you ask.

When I was with Jerry, my self esteem was going out the window and I was feeling retarded and I was feeling crazy. With Jayden it was zoning out of reality where my co workers had to say my name several times to get my attention and I was finding myself in places and not even remembering why I was there. One time I realized I was in Wal-Mart and I couldn’t even remember how I got there and then I remembered I was there for cat food. I was told this was depression and I was told the loud bass at home was affecting my hearing so I was not hearing people at work when they would give me instructions and say my name. Jayden always had those big speakers connected to his computer so it was lot of bass he had from his game when he would shoot other people in the game. He had it on all day long and never stopped playing until like three in the morning and then he would get up around ten and play it again and repeat.  So with Jayden I was only losing my concentration and focus on life and zoning out and it impacted my work performance but luckily everyone there was patient with me and they knew it was my ex. My boss told me there she knew I would get smart when i told her the boyfriend was gone because I dumped him.

I just couldn’t help him when I tried and he got worse and he was getting worse. I couldn’t be his caregiver 24/7. I remember him telling me I gave up on him. Back then I didn’t know. I just thought he was lazy who didn’t want to help himself and he wanted me to take care of him. Maybe that is what he meant by I gave up on him. I did give up on him. He couldn’t get better and I am not his caregiver. Schizophrenia is something that gets bigger and he wasn’t getting any treatment and not on any medication. He didn’t think he had a problem. I wonder if he is getting any now.





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