I used to this this was another BS condition I had but I am realizing it’s a real thing I may have because I can never handle stress well and my coping skills are poor and it turns me into a different person.
I wrote here why I don’t own a gun. It’s also because I am afraid I will get impulsive if I have my moment again and go in a state of mind where I feel so suicidal due to too much stress and so much anxiety, I might just kill my family and then regret it. A gun is quicker to use and kill with. No one has a chance to defend themselves when you have a gun. So I am being smart and responsible by deciding to not ever have one and if it makes me selfish because I think my safety is more important than others having a gun in my home, so be it. I have no issues with gun control laws either. Some people just don’t have the common sense to not own one because of their state of mind and their own limitations and some just can’t handle owning one. I don’t think I would be able to handle it so I fear touching one and having one in my home. I would rather just not have one.
When I was 18, my mom was signing me up for Social Security so she kept me home from school that day for a phone interview and she helped me with the questions. She told them I was seeing a therapist for adjustment disorder. Back then I had no idea what that was so I figured it was another name for a component for Asperger’s. It must mean difficulty with adjusting to change. For a while I just thought it was a BS condition and then I thought it was a fancy label my mom had given me but after a thread I posted online about this:
While I have felt suicidal and felt like I wanted to kill my family and myself, the difference is I didn’t make any plans for it because I didn’t want to do it. The mom planned to kill her son and she was faking her symptoms of her illness because she was doing research about it and reading about Andrea Yates and her illness and looking up insanity defenses. But people in the ASD community knew she was just selfish and faking it and having excuses and they were right so I posted the thread. I am someone who always gives people the benefit of the doubt until it’s proven they were cold hearted and selfish killers and they had no problems when they did the crime and there has to be proof they are faking their misery and distress and their mental problems and faking their anxiety and their depression and the fact they couldn’t cope anymore so they snapped and now they regret what they did. This is always my biggest fear in life for if I were in that situation. But most people will judge right away and think of the worst while I don’t think of the worst and I always think of stress and want more details to the story before I judge because of my own personal experience and the fact I know my limitations and what stress can do to me so why would I want to judge others for it?
It’s always difficult reading these comments because that could have been me and I know those comments wouldn’t even help me and it would have made things worse for me. All I can do is be happy I am not in that person’s shoes and be glad I am not in that situation but yet it would be very hypocritical of me to go and judge other moms who kill their kids. And there are situations where I am speechless about and don’t know what to think.
Christina Riggs for example suffered severe depression so she wanted to kill herself, she killed her kids because she didn’t want them to live apart (they had different fathers) and she attempted to kill herself but survived. I don’t know what to think of this. Did she try and seek help? Was it selfish? Did she regret what she did? Was she faking it? The only thing I think of this whole thing is capital punishment was a joke because she is suicidal, she wants to die so how is killing her even a punishment? Wouldn’t it be more logical to just lock her up for life and have her live for the rest of her life for what she did and always remember how she killed her babies and regret what she did? Isn’t this more of a punishment than the other? She would have to live with it for the rest of her life. So she basically committed suicide by capital punishment which is what I think she did. She wouldn’t allow her lawyers to bring up her suicidal thoughts and depression in the trial.
And men that have shot their spouses and then themselves, I can’t even. I don’t know what to think of this, was it selfish? Was it cold hearted murder? They had killed themselves so what do I think of them? Would it be more logical to just kill them and then try and cover their tracks to try and make it look like an accident or a suicide or something. Did they regret what they did so much they also had to put a bullet to their head because they didn’t want to live with it for the rest of their lives?
I even wanted to kill our puppy when I was 16 and the only thing that held me back was fearing of being sent away. I am glad I didn’t do that plan. It was a compulsion I had in my mind and an unwanted though and it wasn’t something I wanted and I didn’t like what I was going through. But I think it might have eventually happened because I would have reached my breaking point and just do it when no one is around and it would have been spontaneous because I wouldn’t have woken up one day deciding “Today this will be the day I will kill Squeaky and the my life will be all better again and peaceful.” I am sure I would have regretted it if I did it. Plus when I was alone with him in the house, I either kept him outside or in his crate. I had control of the environment then because I was doing what worked for me even though the rest of my family disagreed and that is when I had problems.
But to put it in a different perspective, maybe I was selfish because I didn’t want to give up my precious time for video games to train the animal myself since no one was willing to do it even though I wasn’t the one who decided to have a new dog. I could have watched him like a hawk to stop him from doing anything wrong. I could have kept the crate with me with the dog in it so my family couldn’t let him out. That is the way you are supposed to house train dogs. I am sure he would have eventually figured out he was supposed to go outside. When a person told me online I was selfish because I thought my own unhappiness was more important that my family and their dog, it really hurt because I felt she was dismissing my feelings and what I was going through and that it was all my fault that I can’t handle my anxiety better and my feelings and the stress and I am just so weak and I should have tried harder and not have meltdowns so I wasn’t making my own family miserable. But the truth was it was more than unhappiness I was going through. I think there is a big difference between being unhappy just because you don’t like how things are going or because you can’t do something vs having distress and changing as a person and not being able to function because of the anxiety and stress.
To this day it still hurts if my mother said I only wanted my way then because it feels like she didn’t really understand what I was going through and the pain I was having and the nightmares I had to have at night and the compulsions about killing the pet. I even wanted to move out and she acted like then I was having a tantrum and wanted my way so of course I would act out more because of the misunderstanding and I wasn’t able to put into words how I was feeling. If I tried to express it, it came out as me me me instead of what I was going through and the pain I was having. I was even threatening suicide to my whole family because it was too much and I couldn’t live with it. I suffered. I had the misery. Does she really think I wanted to be this way?
Should I have tried harder at holding everything in and try to not let it all out? To this day I try and avoid this topic because my old feelings are still there and they will just come back like they are still here and like the situation was still recent. I do wish I knew other options as a 16 year old and no one bothered to tell me how I could handle it and what I could have done instead instead of just saying “There were other options you could have done” and I would always ask ‘Like what?’ and they wouldn’t tell me. What the heck?
How do I deal with stress, I try and avoid it. I try and find solutions for it before it gets way too out of hand. But what happens when it’s beyond your control? I’m fucked.
I understand people out there who kill their kids because they couldn’t handle stress in their lives and the stress of caring for their disabled child or their normal kids because I have been there. I have a hard time judging them if I know I am the one that could have been me if I were in that situation. I have been there before with our dog and with my husband and having a one year old son but the difference is I didn’t go with the plan and I had help. Do I think those moms should try and seek help if they are feeling like doing a double murder and suicide? Absolutely. You don’t want to harm your partner or your children or anyone else. If you are fearing you are heading that way and getting closer to it and you find yourself starting to plan it, call social services or your family or something.
Now what would have happened if I did threaten my whole family I will kill the dog or abuse him if he keeps peeing in the house? I am sure they would have stepped in and help and maybe train the dog better and watch him more. Why didn’t I do the threat? Because I feared being hospitalized. The threat actually worked so it kept me from trying to get more help for myself from my family so I suffered even more and they had even more misery from me. So things maybe would have been better if I did threaten to harm the dog. In a way I would have been asking for help. But if it was seen as me throwing a tantrum and being manipulative, that also wouldn’t have helped with the situation. It would have been dismissing my feelings and what I was going through. Even telling me I just wanted my way then is still dismissing how I felt and the pain I was going through. It’s trivializing my experience. But instead I was emotionally abandoned and treated like I was selfish and trying to get my way and it never made the situation better or myself better.
My mom claims she understands now but I doubt it.