My bad habit of assuming the kid is bad

Monday, February 15th, 2016

Again on a forum, someone posted about their kid being violent with her who is almost 17. She has threatened to kill her, bullies her, attacks her, etc. Other members in that thread were telling her to drop her off at a shelter when she is 18 and another person told her to call social services and I said the same thing and then mentioned to threatened to send her off to a mental hospital if she hurts them again and that might just fix her.

There were some responses questioning the mother and someone on that forum found that one part of my response disturbing about sending off a underage child and she said there might be more to the story than what the mother is telling.

I understand why people would want to give a kid the benefit of the doubt when the parent says how abusive they are. Kids are innocent, they are not supposed to be violent and mean and have bad intentions. That is what we all want to believe despite the school shootings, the bullying, bullycide, kids killing their parents. But there is Henry Evans and Rhoda Penmark in the movies The Good Son and The Bad Seed and they are fiction but they are still a thriller because these were children who were supposed to be innocent but were capable of doing adult crimes and having no remorse and they were very manipulative and even experts have used them as examples about if one can be born evil or not. But it must he hard for lot of people to imagine there might actually be a Henry Evans and a Rhoda Penmark. Also being abused by your child is a terrible thing to go through so why would anyone want to think that could actually be true?

But I do admit I do have a habit of always assuming the kid is evil and bad and is very sick whenever a parent talks about how violent they are. I don’t even think about it could be retaliation abuse or the parents had screwed them up somehow while raising them, or that the parents are abusive so the kid is acting that way in return, especially if they are selective about their victims but then again real abusers are selective to their victims. They will be nice to everyone but treat their partner terribly and certain people.

Are there kids out there who are truly evil? Or are they just created somehow?

If you don’t allow your baby to bond, if you neglect them and don’t give them love, if you always spoil your child and let them have their way, don’t ever discipline them or give them limits or if you are too rigid and too strict, if you are abusive duh, don’t give your kid enough attention, you could end up with a out of control child and an abuser. Sometimes I worry about my kids going violent on me because what if I screw up as a parent and it leads them to aggression in the future. So I can understand why a parent might blame themselves when their child is that way because they don’t know what they did wrong and are wondering what could have gone wrong when they were younger. I used to blame Frankie’s mother on his ODD because I thought if she wouldn’t just given into him when he was younger and if she would have just punished him whenever he was mean to her and showed her disrespect, he wouldn’t have grown to be violent and an abuser and now she was afraid of him so she always gave into him and let him have his way. He had learned that habit and now it was too late because he was getting stronger and was up to her chest. It all starts when they are young but apparently ODD doesn’t work that way so I might have judged her too harshly. It’s actually apparent in a child young as three and the parent might think it’s the terrible twos but most kids grow out of it but ODD kids don’t so the parent knows something is wrong and consequences do not work with them. They don’t like authority, they don’t like being told what to do. When my son went through his terrible twos I used to be frightened because I worried I was going to have this child and start being abused by them but my husband had to keep reassuring me it was just normal behavior at that age and he will grow out of it. He told me this was just the terrible twos and he was right, it did get better. If it was ODD, surely he would have gotten worse.

Also I found out it’s rare for a kid to be this bad so those families that appear in the media make it look common. of my times I have been in special ed, we only had one boy who was a liar so he would get us into trouble with his lies, and pinched and hit other kids and called us names, and he only threw chairs once in class and then there was Frankie. The rest were never abusive. My husband encountered no violent special needs kids so he told me this was all rare. But I will randomly keep seeing stories online written by parents who are being abused by their child. It’s a possibility they could be written by trolls, they could be written by narcissists who abuse their children and are playing the victim, but what if you are the parent being abused by your child? I wouldn’t appreciate being treated as the bad guy and being accused of doing child abuse and having it all be blamed on me and I get no advice so any of these stories could be legitimate and we don’t know which story isn’t the truth or which story is the truth so how do we know if we are helping the right person instead of helping them harm their child more because we had been fooled into thinking their kid was just mean and evil and needs mental help? But then again if we ignored all these parents, then the parents who are actually being abused by their children wouldn’t get help at all and what good would that do for them?

There are forums out there for parents of kids with RAD or with conduct disorders and ODD. I don’t go to those places because I don’t like to hear about families being abused by kids and those will be too triggering for me and those parents are just there to get advice and support about how to handle their situation and how to help their children. I just keep my head in the sand because I am not going to those forums to read them. it’s not that I am pretending those things are not happening in families, I just don’t want to get all upset and feel angry and get mad about all the judgment these parents might be facing from other people because of their children and having it all be blamed on them or hearing the damage the kid has done to their families. I read on Reddit about a 12 year old girl lying about the abuse and getting her parents into trouble and the girl got diagnosed with ODD all because she didn’t get her way about something. I don’t even remember the details and I think I might have posted about it here already but I am not going to dig for it again. But that story made me mad for the father and I would have cancelled Christmas on her as other posters suggested but they got mad at the father for still giving her a Christmas.




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