I wish I didn’t have these fears

Sunday, January 24th, 2016

I hear about cars being keys because someone with a terminal illness parked in a handicapped parking spot, now I fear parking in that spot for my husband because what if he doesn’t look disabled enough. He will mind as well show off his braces or limp purposely or bring his cane with and use it to show the whole world how disabled he is.

I hear stories on Facebook about treatment people get who have a California license plate in my area, they get their cars keys or get honked at or yelled at, I am so glad I have a Oregonion license plate instead of an out of state one and I am sure glad it’s not a California one.

I saw how defensive parents get when someone online would ask about things parents do and their kids and now I won’t ask anything about parenting like I have been curious why do some moms use infant seats on their older children instead of having them sit in a regular seat in the cart and save those other special infant seat carts for mothers with infants.

I saw online how people seem to get offended with anything rather it’s questions or things people say and now I am more paranoid about talking and socializing and my social anxiety had increased because I don’t know what else they could find offensive.

I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and I wish I didn’t care too much and I feel this anxiety is holding me back because I can’t stop worrying and being afraid and even hearing bad stories will scare me and make me too afraid. I am very quiet in public and I barely say a word. I go to work and I don’t say much to my co workers. I have gone to my autism groups and not say much. When I was a kid, I was very talkative and asked a lot of questions because I was very curious. I had lack of self awareness how things were perceived and I was younger then so I think teens are given more slack because they tend to be ignorant so they are given a free pass but the more adult I started to look, the more shy I started to get.  Children are also given a pass for rude things they say because everyone knows it’s innocent and they are not doing it to be mean or judgmental. I say social skills are easier when you are a child because it’s easier to make friends and talk to people and not much is expected from you. It’s cute when a kid walks up to a random stranger and starts talking but it’s not so cute when a teen or an adult does it and it’s cute when a kid goes to your house and asks if your kid can play but imagine an adult coming to your house and asking if you can play? What about if they don’t even know you and they come asking if you want to play? When a kid does this, it’s cute.

I will also hear bad stories about people on the autism spectrum and the treatment they get so it makes me wonder what if they were all like me so they were kept to themselves and didn’t talk and would they get along better with other people?

I am always afraid of screwing up and I am always wondering what another person thinks of me as we are talking. Last year I was talking to a girl online and we seemed to have things in common and I was intense the whole time we were chatting and then I started to calm down and ease up because she didn’t seem to be the judgmental type and I felt more relaxed and more trusting so I opened up more and stopped worrying and we only exchanged a few PMs and then she did the 180 on me and said stuff to me. I was argumentative, I didn’t seem to get different perspectives, my comments were somewhat bigotry, I felt negative about Matt and Trey Parker.  I was left puzzled and confused. I was upset about it because I didn’t know where this came from and how she got those ideas about me. It justified my anxiety and why I am so afraid to talk to people and communicate. She proved my point. It was like she told me “See you do suck with social communication, your social skills still need work because you still give people the wrong perception of you, your diagnoses is correct after all.” Basically she gave me reassurance about my label. That was the only positive thing about that last message she sent me. At least she was honest even if it left me confused because it didn’t tell me anything. Most people just stop talking and say nothing again and they will make excuses like “I have gotten busy” which is the common one and I will look on the forum to be sure they are not posting because if they were, I would think I did something wrong and they were just being polite by telling me they are busy. They will also tell me things like “My house burnt down” and that did actually happen to that person but that could have just been an excuse she was using to not talk to me because if she did want to talk, she would have sent me a message later when she felt ready to talk after getting her situation resolved and settled in with her new home. But it is difficult to tell if you are really doing something wrong when people just stop talking to you because sometimes people do fade because they move on or get busy or they move to another messenger or stop coming to the forum and it has nothing to do with you so you never know if they had dumped you as a friend.

Then on Wrongplanet I am in a thread about transgender and I wrote how I do have curious questions I would like to ask but I am too afraid to because I don’t know if trans people will get offended or not so it’s best to just avoid the topic. The person I said that to disagreed and said if that topic was avoided all together, then people wouldn’t learn anything and people would continue not understanding and I agreed there, what she is saying is correct so I wrote it was a catch 22. Then she wrote how she will rather know the person first and see what their views are and stuff than assuming they are like other trans people and what she wrote there is also correct. People shouldn’t lump everyone together and make assumptions about others because of some negative people in the community like I shouldn’t be assuming that every parent is sensitive so they will get offended if I ask them why do some moms use infant carriers that are attached onto the shopping carts for their older kids like for two year olds or four year olds instead of using the regular seat in the cart and leave the other special cart for mothers with infants. Or assuming that every stranger that will see us getting out of my car will think my husband isn’t disabled and will key our car when we are inside or assuming every person I talk to online will just misjudge me and quit talking to me but the thing is I can’t stop this thought. I can’t get rid of this fear about people.

One of the sample questions I would have for trans is if any of them ever not face any discrimination or hate because they are trans like can they go in public and not get harassed or beaten up. I wonder if all trans face this because I am aware that only the negativity stand out so it makes it seem like all of them face hate in the world and get beaten up and that dating is a dangerous game for them and I wonder if all of them live in fear. I saw one person say on Wrongplanet how she will give trans101 if someone is genuinely curious and not looking for an argument. But I am still too nervous to even ask because I am worried about what if she gets the wrong conception of me. I go back to that one incident in PM when I was chatting with this person on fanfiction and she got the wrong conception of me and that proved to me how it does happen when I talk to people. But like another person wrote on the forum, I shouldn’t be assuming that everyone else I want to talk to will be like this person I talked to on fanfiction.

But I know I am a very paranoid person I feel it’s holding me back. Even one misunderstanding between us can destroy our relationship because I would be too afraid of it happening again. That has happened before actually. Even being offended or upset with something I say can do that too and that has also happened before too. It’s like when we talk, don’t get offended or upset with me, hide your feelings if you don’t want me to fear you and have anxiety all of a sudden and then we barely talk because I don’t say much or even open up anymore as if I don’t trust you because that was how much it destroyed me. When I was 15 I was too afraid to be around my grandfather because my dad’s cousin had told me how selfish I was and telling me my grandfather had a bad heart and he can die of a heart attack if he gets too upset and I had upset him. Then I didn’t want to be around him because I was so worried about getting him upset and I didn’t want to accidentally kill hi if I accidentally upset him. This went on until his death and then I told my mother on the phone how I was always afraid to be around him because of what my dad’s cousin told me, I said (dad’s cousin) told me it would be my fault if he dies because he has a bad heart and I didn’t want to upset him.” I was 21 when he died so that was how much it took toll on me by what my dad’s cousin had told me. My mom felt mad about it at my dad’s cousin because she had destroyed my last few years with my grandfather because of what she said to me. I had gotten afraid of my grandfather just because he had a bad heart and because I had upset him, I could have killed him so I was afraid of getting him upset again so it was best to avoid him. I didn’t want to be this terrible person. I was an adult when my mom told me it wouldn’t have been my fault if he died from being upset with me. I asked her why wouldn’t it have been my fault and she said he already has a bad heart, anything can upset him, something in the news can upset him, would it be the news anchor fault? That was a very good point. It wouldn’t have been my fault. But what if I had intentionally upset him and he died?

So I see this fear I have is nothing new.

 

 

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