I used to think what I had were called tantrums because I would scream and cry and sometimes toss things. Then I thought they were meltdowns because I came across that term when I was sixteen. Then in my twenties I learned a tantrum only stops when the kid gets what they want and they only do it with people around. A meltdown will happen even if someone isn’t in the room and it will happen even if they are one and it will still happen even after they get what they needed. It does not go away.
But my meltdowns/tantrums had always been weird I was confused about my episodes. They only seem to happen with people around because they are the trigger, they only stop when my needs are met but then I feel I have to recover and I don’t feel normal on the inside while on the outside I am fine and back to normal like nothing happened. I don’t like getting these feelings inside me, the tense, the stress, all these emotions and it’s too much for me to handle so I start to scream and yell. If anything happens like if it’s a change in life or anything too inconvenient, I start to have anxiety and it leads me to this. Then I feel I am shutting down due to all the anxiety and I am raging at people and I feel short tempered and I am yelling at my children and husband making everyone’s life a living hell around me and I always feel bad. I feel I have thrown a tantrum when I get I have wanted. But when I am alone, I still feel nervous but I am doing whatever relaxes me and there is no one around to trigger my episodes so no short temper and no screaming and feeling easily annoyed. I seemed to be between meltdowns and tantrums. This is what I mean by going crazy. Even simple tasks are too much for me to handle so I feel very apathetic and even telling em to do something can set me into rage. I always feel bad about it on the inside like why can’t I stop this? I know the only way to avoid these is if everything always went my way and nothing bad ever happens and if everything evolved around me but that is not how the world works. I will try and handle things myself for whatever is causing the anxiety because once the anxiety is gone, then these are gone because I am less anxious and more calm now.
I finally decided to ask about it online and someone brought up a photo copy of a page about Rage cycles in Asperger’s. That was the answer I was looking for because it seemed to fit and now I have an answer so I decided I better hit up Google and read more about these rage issues and learn more about them to see if they explain these. So far I read they will rumble so I looked that word up online and it said noises or sounds, I used to do that and still do sometimes. I will grunt or sigh. But it is interesting they are calling them tantrums even if they might be involuntarily. I asked online if tantrums can be involuntarily and stop when their needs are met.
My mom has also told me things I had done like things I have said during my fits and I have hit her without being aware of it. I remember her telling me when I was 11 that I had hit her with a hair brush because I got upset about something I forget what and my mom butted in and I got angrier because I felt she wasn’t on my side so I felt wronged and then she said “Give me the hair brush” and took it from me. She said later on I had hit her with it. Then I remember we talked about it when I was calm. I remember I did mope and cried and when I was calmed down, we talked. Looking back I have always been this way and I am sure I have been in therapy for it because I can remember breathing exercises I had to take and I was told to read a book to calm my mind or work on a puzzle. Right now I am doing computer and there are no kids around or my husband and my dad is working and mom is in bed sleeping so there is no triggers now. I also cleaned out the tub and sprayed it with clean stuff and wiped it down because the tub is busted. The stopper broke so it went down the drain and it’s way at the bottom so it takes two hours for the water to drain out depending on how much is in there. It was all covered in poop from my mom’s diarrhea so I used a dirty towel and got it wet and wiped it out when all the water was out and sprayed it because it stunk and now it smells clean. That also helped calmed my anxiety because I solved part of my problem.
But with kids I can’t really do things to relax my brain and to stay calm and I can’t just hide in my room and expect my kids to sit like zombies and do nothing or expect them to take care of themselves or not be so noisy and demanding. I can’t expect them to not test their limits so here is me on my own with my own issues and I feel bad because I can’t turn them off and then I feel like a bad parent because I am yelling at them. Even telling my son I am irritable and to leave me alone or to sit still or not make any loud noise doesn’t work because he will still do what he does and my daughter is too young to understand. I don’t think my son understands either even though he can talk and tell us what he needs or wants or tell us when there is a problem.
But I am glad there is a name for them. Rage Cycle they are called. When I look back, I can remember being in therapy and having to learn when my anger is coming so I will handle it before it comes out and we all had to learn what triggers them so we will do something before it gets to that level where I explode. Back then I was not aware of my own feelings and when it was coming and then I would be angry all of a sudden or upset and being impulsive. Today I can just tell my husband or my parents what I am feeling and if I do know what the trigger is, I tell them. But I hate having to use threats to get my way but luckily I don’t use threats often because I never need to because everyone listens. If it’s something I can solve myself, I do it before I get there.