Flash backs

Saturday, January 9th, 2016

In a autism Facebook group, the question was asked about what if autism was the norm and NT was the minority and people started posting what the world would be like such as no florescent lighting. Because it’s a spectrum and not everyone has the same symptoms and not everyone has the same sensitivity, I posted that more people would be wearing hearing aides because the sound would be too low for them so the normal hearing range would now be below normal. I also wrote that more people would be using extra light because everything would be too dim.

The trigger someone wrote was everyone would be honest and I said that more people would have low self esteem and depression because of what is said to them and autistic people have been offended with the truth because of things people would say about their interests or their behavior or them. The person responded back with that there will be hurt feelings no matter what but there would still be hurt feelings even with a law and she would rather have the truth than a lie because people are being polite. I had flashbacks because as a kid I was made fun of for how I talked, I was retarded, I was stupid, I was weird, I was mean and rude. I had all this negativity from kids and by 6th grade I wanted to kill myself because I couldn’t stop being different. No matter what I did and what I changed, I was still different. I was still screwing up. I hated my big boobs because kids thought I stuffed them. I hated god because how could he have humiliated me and give me a woman’s body so young in 6th grade. So I became atheist and plus there is no concrete evidence he ever existed. With years of verbal abuse from kids, I wanted to kill myself by 6th grade. I had depression and low self esteem and I went on a little rant in the group and then unfollowed the topic because it was too much. I didn’t like the flashbacks. I think it’s better if people keep their mouths shut. But the question I have asked myself about verbal abuse is “what if it’s the truth?”

The irony thing is when I started to call myself stupid and retarded, other kids didn’t like it. I started to beat them to the  verbal abuse by putting myself down. I had started to abuse myself verbally because of the abuse in the past from other kids so I started to do it to myself to beat them to it so I wouldn’t get it from them so it was better I did it to myself so they wouldn’t do it. Then it was always a torture to having to say three positive things about myself but I never meant it.  I felt I was no good. Then I thought everyone was lying when they would say how smart I am. I may not have gotten beaten up or have anything taken, but the words still hurt. If it’s child abuse to do that to a child, it shouldn’t be any different for a kid doing it to another kid. I have seen formally abused victims say how they wished they were verbally abused because at least they wouldn’t have been called names or made fun of or have any low self esteem from the words but I have seen psychical abused victims say how they wish they only had verbal abuse because at least there wouldn’t have been any psychical pain and they would rather deal with the words.

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