What if I am just misdiagnosed?

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

I have never heard of another aspie who had troubles figuring out right from wrong and trying to figure out what the rules are where they are copying everyone including little kids when they are nine years old or seven years old or even mimicking special needs kids negative behaviors. I have never heard of an aspie seeking out revenge on their siblings because they touched their doll house or messed yup their play house or even went in their room and took stuff by trying to get them into trouble and watch them being screamed at by their mother while the aspie is having peace listening to it all and feeling better for what their siblings did to their stuff.

 

I did ask on Wrongplanet once if anyone there had troubles figuring out the rules for different age groups. What my therapist described it as is called the hidden curriculum. This is something that most people naturally pick up on. He told me children with Asperger’s have a hard time with this so that was why I didn’t know the rules in other peoples homes or why i didn’t understand how to act growing up because I didn’t know how to act my age. It’s like a kid knows every year how to act and what rules have changed for them because they are older now. It’s like they know what is and isn’t okay even if they see other kids doing things. This was all hard for me. Only way for me to tell was to see other kids being in trouble for something they did. I didn’t like being in trouble or even being punished so I knew where the limits were and what the rules were. If they were inconsistent, it was confusing so I would have a hard time following the rules. I even thought when I was six and seven that my teacher assigned a special rule to each student in my class because I saw how one kid could do something and the rest of us were not allowed to do. One boy was allowed a basketball and he didn’t have to share it, he was also allowed to yell the number nine every time we counted, one other boy was allowed to run in class with his pants down showing his penis and there was one other boy who screamed. So I would test the rules by breaking them to see what I was allowed to do other kids couldn’t do. I wanted to see what special rule I had. I have never heard of another aspie doing this but i did read about temple Grandin testing her limits when she was six so she could see her boundaries and the rules but all kids do this. I was sort of doing the same thing in school and to a degree that was normal behavior I was doing.

I have heard stories about special needs kids mimicking each other and heard about autistic kids mimicking so that might be unusual given how they tend to not copy others which is the why they wouldn’t learn social rules or learn to wave bye bye on their own and stuff.

But what makes me question myself is hearing how autistic people don’t lack empathy, they have too much of it and can feel how others feel. I don’t have this. I can see if someone is upset but I cannot feel it. if someone is yelling, I might feel nervous and tense but it’s because I don’t like seeing real life drama and I don’t know if there is going to be a gun drawn or not or a crime. This is apparently a normal feeling and that means I have a sense of danger. As a kid this didn’t scare me and I thought it was cool to watch fights and see conflicts and seeing other kids be in trouble. Most kids are this way so I don’t need to feel too bad. And of course kids are not normally violent where they will draw a knife or gun but with all the school shootings now, kids might have a good reason to be scared now. But because I lack feeling for others it makes me wonder if I have any sociopath traits or psychopath traits. But another confusing part is I hear how abstract feelings are so that would explain why autistic people would have a hard time with them because they are concrete thinkers and feelings are abstract but then I hear how they don’t lack empathy so how can this be? This is a contradiction I see. So they are abstract thinkers when it comes to feelings? Even small children have a hard time with them too, they can feel them and know you are upset but they don’t understand why. That is because children are also concrete and feelings are abstract so that would explain why kids would lack empathy everyone would call it.

According to my mother, my therapist had to teach me feelings and I was rough with animals until early adolescence. Most kids grow out of this around first grade.

Also i have read about feeling remorse. I don’t understand why someone would feel remorse for something that isn’t their fault or didn’t have control over. Most people blame themselves even when something isn’t their fault. But what if the person didn’t feel any because they knew it wasn’t their fault, it was an accident so they didn’t have remorse for it. I would think they were being logical but apparently sociopaths have the ability to turn their feelings on and off. Normies have to be taught this. I am sure the abused also learn this skill to survive when they are being bullied or always getting into trouble for their feelings. But sociopaths can do this naturally while none sociopaths have to be trained to not do it. Some people train themselves to not do it because of abuse or because they are police officers or in the war.

I can’t always turn my feelings off. To turn them off I would have to deny they are there, pretend they do not exist and be strong and tough. I know this isn’t healthy but it’s a survival tool. If I had that true ability, I wouldn’t have anxiety.

I also written about how I felt about our puppy we had and how crazy I went and I have written about what my mother told me about the time my brother lost her trust so he had to earn it back but that wouldn’t have worked with me if she did it to me.

Plus my husband will say how I lack empathy and then say I have it but not enough.

What goes on through my head off and on is if I am a sociopath or not or if I am misdiagnosed and what if my psychiatrist had made a mistake. But everyone has told me I am not one if I am so concerned about it and because I don’t go out and hurt people. Not all sociopaths commit violent crimes and most of them don’t. I think people are so caught up in stereotypes about it they wouldn’t even think you’re one if you are not a stereotype of it.

But maybe the sociopath behavior I had as a kid was all normal because kids lack empathy, they don’t understand different perspectives, they don’t get feelings so am i being hard on myself?

I know I did shitty things when I was a kid and I have hated myself for it because I thought it made me a bad person but my mom tells me that’s normal kid stuff. Maybe my behavior was more pathologicalized by other kids and adults because I was different. No one bats an eye if a kid does something wrong because everyone ignores it and acts like it’s no big deal and they don’t seem to notice but when I would do something wrong, that got me big attention.

But what was the point of this post? This. Even though I didn’t do what the author did in her book the blogger talked about. But I felt better when she said she could relate to somethings the author wrote about herself who is clinically diagnosed as a sociopath. But the thing that got to me the most was lack of empathy and not feeling others feelings so it made me start questioning myself all over again.

 

 

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