Reactive abuse

Wednesday, December 30th, 2015

This is something I have been hearing recently but only by victims of former abuse. But when you do a google search, not much pops up about it because there isn’t much info about it like there is about anything else. Some things are just not very well known about so nothing much pops up  when you search it.

I have heard of abusive kids and that some of them get abusive because they are bullied or abused but I would think they would only be abusive to their abusers only. But in domestic abuse, the victim gets abusive to their abuser. They might start shouting at them and calling them every name in the book they can think of and say real hurtful things and I saw one blog post where a woman wrote how she likes to play games with people who have NPD and she wrote about playing them with her ex husband who was abusive.

I also know we are all responsible for their actions and it’s never anyone’s fault they are abused. I also keep hearing how the abuser will tend to blame their actions on their victim but my question is what if the abuser had been abusing you for so long you finally snap, is it their fault you had just abused them? What about a parent who had been abusing their child for years and years and then finally their kid snaps and starts to get abusive and is always hitting them and throwing and breaking things and screaming at them and it’s not done in self defense, is it the parent’s fault for their kid’s abuse?

What about in relationships where the abuser makes fun of their partner for their interests or dislikes or what TV shows they watch or what video games they play, so the victim starts to do them to annoy them and saying things like “What do you think of this TV show?” and waiting to hear them make fun of them about it or to say something critical you know egging them on, or they decide to eat apple sauce in front of their abuser and go “Hey look at what I am eating?” just to annoy them because they know how much their partner dislikes them eating apple sauce so they make snide remarks about it and be all critical and make fun of them about it. Is this the abuser’s fault?

When I was a child I used to just pick on other kids who were mean to me and bully my bullies back and not understand why this is wrong. Was it the bully’s fault I was doing this?

It doesn’t take me long to retaliate when I am treated wrongly or badly. Online I used to just post stuff on a forum to piss people off because I felt I was being treated unfairly. other members could get away with posting weird and creepy things and no one would bat an eye but when I would do it, people would bat an eye because I would get criticism and a negative reaction and then see someone else post the same thing I posted and people don’t react negative to it, you know how much that would hurt me? And this happened on an autism forum and it was very ironic because autistic people are always talking about how they are treated different by normies and how they discriminate us and there they were doing that to me. It made me lose faith in them and made me realize we are no different and this is human behavior, not normie behavior to discriminate. I was discriminated when I was a kid so what did I do when kids had different rules than me? I retaliated. I would deliberately break rules and do things other kids were doing because I wanted my rights, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be treated like everyone else. I rebelled and my school thought I had a behavior problem when the problem was the injustice and all they had to do was enforce the rules on everyone and make them apply to everyone, not to me only. Even my therapist told them I was not the problem, they were. Then ten years later there I was getting all that crap again online this time. Members could talk about their fetishes but not me and members could talk about the same fetish I had but not me and no one ever batted an eye about them doing it. Is it possible the former mods used this against me in the future and saw me differently so it made me a target of their abuse? Possibly because they didn’t see how other members treated me and how I was doing similar things they were doing and for some reason I just stand out more when I do it while others just blend it and no one seems to notice it. For some reason I had always stood out more than other kids. Kids could get away with doing shitty things but when I would do it, it was a big deal and I was “evil.” Then as a young adult I stood out more for some reason on an internet forum even though I was doing the same things other members were doing. But did me retaliating made it the other members fault or the forum admin’s because of their discrimination?

I retaliated against Jerry for his emotional abuse but back then I didn’t know it was abuse, I didn’t know he was making fun of me so how I reacted to it would be irrelevant. but I would intentionally do things to annoy him like one time I decided to play a Barbie game on my original Nintendo and I said to him “look at what I am playing?” knowing full well I wouldn’t get a positive reaction because I knew he didn’t like kiddy things so he was very judgmental about it and he said “You should have been playing that ten years ago” and I said “I didn’t have this game ten years ago and we didn’t even have a Nintendo” and he kept saying how I should have been playing it ten years ago. I did the same thing with TV shows, I would tell him “Look at what I am watching’ egging him on to make fun of me and be critical about it and saying something negative about it. I would even drink from a baby bottle and use my computer and tell him “look at what I am doing” to show him how I am still an adult and it doesn’t make us real babies and he said I was doing it to piss him off so I did it more just to annoy him. I just didn’t tolerate his willful ignorance and bigotry. Was this his fault for what I did?

I am not proud of what I did and wished I just walked away than trying to educate and reason with him or staying just to piss him off because I didn’t tolerate his bigotry. I realize now he was a narcissist and you can’t argue with them or prove them wrong and even retaliating against their abuse and trying to show them their double standards and how ridiculous their thoughts are does not work. Also the fact it can backfire and you end up hurt at the end like I was. They can only see themselves and their side, they will not get your side or understand your feelings. They will just throw it back at you and make you out to be the bad guy.

One example was I was accused online by a new so called “friend” because she said I got her banned from a forum, the same place where I got discriminated on, and she starts to get nasty with me and say i didn’t have an ASD and she didn’t even know me or ask me anything about myself and she got real mean for no reason just because she thought I got her banned and her conclusion was irrational. She never apologized and she does contradict herself but anyway I was hurt and she never cared and she had the Dr. Jekyll and Hyde personality and I looked through her post history and saw she had done the same thing to other members on the forum and did attacks and insults and she says very hurtful things and always plays the victim. She is never wrong and everyone is a psychopath and manipulative and she is the good one. But anyway she hurt another one of my online friends and we were both hurt together so we went on I2 and she opened an account impersonating her and she started posting and I started posting pretending it was actually her and our intention was to get her to see how hurt we were by seeing the impersonation but instead it backfired. She turned it around and said how mean and horrible people we were. see there she was the victim and couldn’t see our side and apologized for hurting us and for her false accusations and for being nasty. She was just too blind to see how she hurts others and to see that she brings the bullying on herself because she is so nasty and abusive to people, people make fun of her and tease her and bully her as the result of it. They retaliate. I had seen people on I2 make fun of her and tease her and one of them even used her cousin’s account to do impersonations to tease her and she impersonated Temple Grandin and the narc fell for it. One of old online friends who liked to troll decided to impersonate her when she came back to the forum by having her username spelled back words and posted stuff pretending to be her. But I learned that making fun of her and getting back at her and trying to hurt her back does not work because she will never have remorse or see the harm she does for others. It will never occur to her that if everyone is a narcissist, she is the narcissist or that if everyone is a bully, she is the bully, or if everyone is a psychopath or manipulative, she is those things. Plus she hates being ignored so she will start to bait members and do insults and say real hurtful things to get attention and say provocative things. the forum admin knew right away she was narcissist and everyone agreed she is one when they looked it up. But was it still her fault for how we treated her?

But from personal experience it’s very difficult to mess with a narcissist and very dangerous. You would need to have a very thick skin and be a robot to mess with them. There will be gas lighting, it will be your fault, it will be all about you, you will be the bully, a psychopath, the abuser, they will just be the victim and there will be false accusations.

Now for more references on reactive abuse:

http://www.isthisabusive.com/tag/reactive-abuse/

https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2013/10/24/how-to-play-the-narcissists-game/

https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/comments/3yb2i2/reactive_abuse/

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2008/03/reactive-abuse-what-is-it.html

Also Jayden told me about when he knew Frankie in his school, he told me how awful Frankie was and how he would pick on him. What did Jayden do, he told me he used to just pick him up and toss him on the ground. Was that Frankie’s fault that happened to him?

Also after reading the post in abusesanctuary, was I reacting to Jerry’s abuse and I didn’t realize it then? Was I subtly egged to do all those things to him? We might feel awful and see we were bad people in the relationship and how we shouldn’t have done things and then realize we might have been provoked and egged into doing it. I wouldn’t stop calling my ex for example and every time I called him, he was never available. I didn’t realize he was ignoring me. He still had my stuff, I still needed to break up with him and figure out the right time to do it, I didn’t like being in a relationship that felt one sided. was I the crazy ex stalking him? was I harassing him? How did I look to all his employers when i kept calling him or when she blew up at me on the phone cussing me out and hung up abruptly? Was I just reacting to his abuse and that was his intent to make me look crazy to justify his behavior? Then I basically took it away when I moved on when my mom told me he had moved on. Within a month I met another guy and then I was in a relationship with him not too long later and by then my ex did come back, twice, so that makes me think I wasn’t the abuser. Of course he kept my stuff and never dropped it off and I let it go because it was just cleaning supplies and laundry soap and all that can easily be replaced. I might have lost several of my clothes to him but I let that go and my paycheck and the money he owed me and the bumper I never got I paid for because he never went and picked it up.

Also another interesting thing I had read was how the victim can develop narcissist traits from the abusive relationship but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are on the spectrum nor does it mean they are a narcissist. It’s called reactive narcissism. I had read somewhere about the developing it in their abusive relationship but my question is does it go away when they are out of the relationship because they are no longer being provoked and abused so therefore they wouldn’t react to it? But there is still the PTSD.

Also more references:

https://www.reddit.com/r/abuse/comments/2hxvwk/please_help_me_understand_reactive_abuse/

https://mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com/2014/06/13/he-makes-me-crazy/

http://narcissistsupport.com/forum/Thread-Sanctuary-for-The-Abused-Reactive-Abuse

But like I say there isn’t lot of information about it. You only hear about it from people who are not doctors or psychologists and plus some of the links I put link to the same blog post from abusesanctuary.

But of course what if you had a child that was abusive so you react to their abuse by being abusive back?

Is it any of our faults for reacting to the abuse if we become the abuser ourselves to our abuser? Also don’t confuse it with self defense. I don’t think Sarah Burleton was abusive when she punched her mother in the jaw. Her mom was choking her and banging her head on the floor so Sarah punched her and that was self defense but if she had kept on kicking her and starting beating on her and choking her back making her suffer for what she put her through over the years, then that would be abuse than self defense. That would be an example of reactive abuse. It’s not like she will do it to others. And she did think about doing that until her step father walked in the room so she didn’t do it, instead she just said she would press charges if anything else happened and she took her bags and walked out the door starting her new life without her parents.

But it is a relief to hear this is actually normal and no need to feel guilty or bad about it and I don’t need to feel I am playing the victim here because I wasn’t perfect either in the relationship and I also did things I shouldn’t have done. There is actually a name for it and how normal it is in a abusive relationship and I think that term can evolve to bullying and other abuse outside of relationships like how Stockholm syndrome had evolved from to mean for victims falling in love with their kidnappers to abuse victims loving their abusers in abusive relationships and defending them and their abuse.

But why is this very unknown?

 

 

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