Stories like this give me the reason why

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2015

parents do parent alienation.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/3xwk2v/advice_regarding_exhusbands_behaviour_with_my/

 

I used to be real judgmental about parents doing parent alienation and thought it should be child abuse. But I have gotten a new perspective, what if the parent was an abuser? What if they were a bad influence on the child? What if they were using their kids against their ex to turn them against them?

I thought would I want someone like Jerry raising my child?  (this was before I realized he was emotionally abusive and a narcissist) I didn’t want my kid to judge ABDLs or hate homosexuality and hate on gays and I wanted my kid to be opened minded, not so judgmental where they judge everything. Good thing I did not have kids with him or else I would be dealing with this dilemma and getting it from my own child. I thought then if I got pregnant with his child, I would be better off moving on and not telling him about it and this gave me a new perspective why women don’t always tell their ex’s they are pregnant with their baby so the man lives on not knowing he has a child. There are guys out there who don’t even know they have a child. Every time I would see it in movies or hear about it online, I would wonder who in the hell doesn’t tell the baby’s father they have a baby? How selfish and not fair to the child. But now my perspective has changed. Now that I realize my ex was a narcissist and that he was emotionally abusive and based on how he treated me, how do I know he wouldn’t treat his kid the same way? Also the fact that everything was his son’s business and the way he thought of me, how do I know he wouldn’t be doing that to out children and saying things to them about me and making me out to be retarded and slow and having them think their mom is slow and retarded and too childish and not capable?

So that is why parent alienation happens and why games are played in court. Jerry was always telling me how his ex was playing games and making up lies about him. Maybe her “lies” were the truth and he was too delusional and the fact he told me how his ex tried to get her daughter to say he raped her so she had to do a lie detector test and him and then he said only he had to take it not her because she was a minor and it traumatized him. He had changed his story a little so it makes me wonder if that ever actually happened and he had me believing I had remembered it wrong when I questioned it about the change in detail. So my ex had to play her games back by trying to prove she was the liar. she tired to say their son wasn’t his son so he had to go get a copy of the birth certificate to prove he was the dad. He had won so he still got some custody of him but she still had full.

I had wanted to reach out to her and ask her about her relationship with Jerry to see if he was the abuser and hear her side and I am not strong enough to talk to her daughters. I saw they didn’t have Jerry on their friends so that might be a good sign. But the son had his “dad” on there who was now his mother because she had transitioned remember. But I saw no sign of my ex’s ex.

I used to say how I would never do this to my ex but now I am not sure. Never say never. It’s always easy to say how we will never do something when we have never experienced a situation.  It’s like how people say they will help someone if they saw someone was in trouble but when they are actually in the situation, it changes.

So if your partner is ever toxic or a bad influence for a kid, do not have kids with them. That will avoid all this madness and drama. Who knows what my ex would have done if I got pregnant from her. I might have found myself in the same position as his ex and doing the same thing she is doing and then my ex would be saying how I am also playing games in court and making up lies to make her look bad but I would have my parents on my side and they would have their lawyer friend working for us and it would continue and continue eating away our money and my parents retirement because Jerry wouldn’t have given up even if it’s obvious the judge would never grant him custody and she would be ignoring the honest lawyers out there who tell her that there is very little chance she will get custody. And what if my family had also hired a doctor to assess him and diagnosed him as NPD or just as a narcissist? That might definitely make her lose big time. Then bam we might find ourselves getting sued by her or her suing the doctor for the DX.

I cannot imagine the stress the ex must have gone through when my ex wasn’t giving up. This was unusual because narcs don’t normally care for their kids and this one loved her child and wanted custody and him in her life and they acted like best friends. But yet she was gossiping with him about me and saying things to him and it was like what kids would tell other kids about me in school. I realized she used her kid to hurt me even if I was not aware of it then. My brother’s ex is also a narc and she loves her kids too but she uses them to hurt my brother. My mother loathes her. I think she also loathes my ex because she didn’t want her around when I wanted to invite her and her son to come eat with us using my first paycheck to pay for all our meals.

It’s a shame how children have to get so caught up in this drama. My brother tried to play it nicely by letting his ex have everything and tried joint custody but she just had to make it hard so i said to my parents that he should just cut her off in life and keep his kids away from her and start telling his oldest son the truth about his mother. Fuck this shit about never bad mouthing the kids parent. If the parent is toxic and abusive and playing games, that rule no longer applies, especially if they are a narcissist and can’t play nice.

After hearing all these horror stories and what my brother has gone through and how bad my ex was, I have changed my mind.

 

Note: This is to not to be confused with parental alienation by Dr. Richard A who coined the term where the abuser turns their kids against the good parent by manipulating and bullying them and doing damage to the child’s mental health and emotional well being.

 

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