Archive for December 17th, 2015

Wondering about my other ex

Thursday, December 17th, 2015

I have been reading more comments about narcissism because it gets brought up sometimes by other members when the thread had nothing to do with it but if it’s talking about abuse, it is most likely to be brought up. Things they wrote about it started to make me realize if *Jayden was also a narcissist. He doesn’t seem to fit with the covert narcissism profile or the overt kind but it is still possible he had traits and could still be on the narcissistic spectrum. I have even wondered if he was a sociopath.

Now, he was a non violent person, he didn’t raise his voice or lose his temper, he didn’t call me names or put me down, he was not judgmental and he didn’t go killing people or harming anyone but he was so into being himself he would not modify his behavior for others. He would use the word retarded often and he liked to use sarcasm and do teasing  and he liked to swear. He didn’t care if it bothered you or embarrassed you. He claimed he didn’t care what others thoughts of him but obviously he did care or he wouldn’t have been complaining all the time about people judging him. But he always thought it was our problem if we were hurt by him or got upset with his humor. I told him how much his swearing bothered me when he did it in public and around small children when we saw show choir at my old high school. He didn’t seem to get it or even understand. (I even wondered if he also had Asperger’s but everyone with it kept telling me he was just an asshole) He even said I said I didn’t even care what people thought so I told him that doesn’t mean I want him cursing in front of everyone and this is a small town and these people know me. I told him I didn’t want to be someone who is known as dating a crude man. But he still didn’t get it so there I was begging him to stop and I told him it was embarrassing me. He just said it was who he is.

Another thing I told him about teasing me is how much it upsets me because I don’t know when he is serious or not and his reason was if he does it enough I will get used to it and start picking up on his joking. I told him that doesn’t work with me and I just stop listening to someone when all they do is joke around because I just don’t believe anything they say because I will assume they are just joking again. But I can’t do that in a relationship where you can never listen to your partner so there I was begging him to quit. He didn’t do it because it was who he is so he would get upset with me when I would take him seriously. To him it was my problem and m own issue. He refused to accommodate me. He couldn’t just stop around me and only do it to his friends. Was that too much to ask?

I remember the time we were both coming home from work, I was talking and  was being serious. There he was talking too with me and then I was hurt when he told me he is joking because I felt he wasn’t taking me seriously and there he was joking around so I told him I wasn’t going to be talking to him anymore if he was going to be joking around. There he accused me of being rude. My mom told me he took me literal because apparently the word anymore literally means not today not tomorrow, never. So I told my mother if he is so literal, then why didn’t he think that I wouldn’t be talking to him ever again if he kept on joking? I then thought that maybe he didn’t listen to the rest so he only heard “I am not talking to you anymore” so when I asked him about it he said he heard it all so there I was confused again about how did he take it literal because he would have thought then that I wouldn’t be speaking to him ever again if he continued joking around.

Another time I had to pay $720 to get my clutch replaced because it went out on us while we were out and I only made it back to the gas station that was a few miles from my home so I had to have dad come get us and the next day he and my brothers towed my car to the auto shop. But since I had to spend half of my savings to get it fixed, I was then on a saving spree to build it back up again and there was my ex wanting me to write to Social Security to reimburse me for the car. I knew it didn’t work that way and I knew it was about him because my saving spree was affecting him. I told him to go study for his test and get his license and he will have his own car to drive (he had a car but it was at his parents and he didn’t have a license). He just wanted to keep going out and do things and not be stuck at home all the time and I was going t be very careful about my gas because I had to save and would want to kill two birds with one stone when using my car. But anyway I told him I wanted to be independent and not rely on them to always bail me out so he said he would move out then. I asked him “what?” and he said I wanted to be independent so he is moving out. What did that have to do with me being independent? Are my parents not independent or his because they both live together. I pointed this out to him and asked if me wanted me to break up with him and he said no. but this comment shocked me because he either had to be that dumb or he was just messing with my mind and twisting my words.

I remember the time we were going to see a movie, he isn’t ready when it’s time to leave because I had assumed he would be ready by then. he knew we were going to see a movie and I forgot to tell him when it started and what time we were leaving because I had assumed he had my mind. It didn’t occur he wouldn’t know my agenda because he doesn’t know the times the movie starts in town and he doesn’t have the same knowledge I have but yet I had thought he knew what I knew. Oops with my theory of mind. So anyway I was rushing him and he was getting stressed out and telling me the more I rush, the longer he is going to take. I told him when the movie was going to start to we didn’t have time for him to go looking for something. I kept going “go go go” and saying to him when I was little, my mom would have just pretended to leave me behind if I took too long so if he were my child, I would have just pulled him out the door and out to the car. (I have done this with my son). So on the way to the movie, Jayden told me about how I should actually plan it like tell him the time the movie starts and when we are leaving so there isn’t any friction and tell him when he should be getting ready.

So the next time comes again and this time I want to see the movie Cars, I plan when we are leaving and I wanted to stop and get candy at Safeway so I knew we would have to leave a little sooner. I tell my ex when the movie starts and when we are leaving by and when he should be getting ready by. (I don’t remember the exact time so it might not be accurate here). 3:45 comes so I tell him the time and that he should be getting read now. 3:50 comes and he is still on his computer playing his online game so I tell him the time. I tell him every five minutes. 4:00 comes and I tell him it’s time to go so i grab my purse and put my shoes on and I am all ready. But Jayden just has to dilly dally and he takes too long to get off his computer because he just can’t say “I have to go everyone bye” and sign off because he has to tell it to each person online he is friends with, not in the chat box to everyone. So i rush him off and even threaten to turn off the power surge if he doesn’t get off now. Then he has to get certain things he has to always carry with him and he has to look for something he needs which is not really a necessity. There I am having anxiety and very anxious because he is ruining my plan. he complains how retarded this all is and I have always told him about patience and there I am being impatient. Was he kidding? This is a movie, A MOVIE. You have to leave by a certain time and be there before the movie starts, be there to have time to get candy and tickets and get seats so the movie won’t sell out and there he is telling me how I have to be patient so there he was being patient. Either he was an idiot or he was just fucking with me. So I speed to the highway and skip Safeway and I am pissed because now I am going to have to skip getting candy for the movie. I even told him if i get a ticket it’s his fault. Luckily we lived in the country so there were barely any cars on the road but once I got to the highway I went the speed limit. Then when we got to the movie, I had to find a parking spot and then I had to rush to the ticket booth leaving my ex in the dust because I didn’t have time for him to walk slow. I got the tickets and we saw the movie. So you see, he went against his own word because I did what he told me we should do next time to avoid friction and he still did the same bullshit. then he said I was talking too fats so he didn’t understand me and I said he should have asked and he said I would have gotten pissed for even asking. There he was blaming it on me again and I know I was talking clearly. he was just putting the blame on me like a typical narcissist and using my own flaws against me to justify what he did. He could not take any responsibility.

There was another time when I had to take my dog to the vet and then I had to get more gas and my ex wanted to get some Mountain Dew. Since the gas station and the supermarket are right next to each other, I told him i will stop at the gas station and he can go across the street to the store. He told me his worries about getting hit by a car. Oh for god’s sake, there are barely any cars that go on that road and no one is going to hit him. He said he might get hit by a drunk driver. Oh for Pete’s sake but I decided to not make a big deal about it because I will just drop him off and go across the street to the gas station so I dropped him off. I get gas and I see my ex waiting in the parking lot across the street with his Mountain Dew. I get finished and then go across the street to get him and he sees where I came from and says “oh you meant that road, I thought you wanted me to cross that road” and he points to the highway.  I was flabbergasted. I asked him why would I want him to cross the highway when the gas station and the store are on the same side. He said I wasn’t specific enough and I said I didn’t need to tell him what road to cross because he would have seen the store and know what street to cross, not the highway and back. He said some people would call the highway a street and his friend Frank calls it a street. I have never seen anyone call the highway a street. They have called it a road. But I was so annoyed he was blaming it all on me again so he had to be that stupid. Yes I really did say to him if he was really that stupid. He said he didn’t know the town well, uh does he know what a gas station looks like, look. I was so upset by this because he was blaming it on me I had to tell my parents and people at work and my online friends they all told me he was a dumb ass and asked if he was on drugs or if he was mentally retarded. Even my mom was flabbergasted because she said to me “Are you serious? is he on drugs? Does he not know what a gas station looks like” and my dad thought ‘he must be borderline retarded.”

He was always on his computer and never got off unless it was to eat or go to the bathroom or going to bed. I could never use the internet because he was never done with his computer. We couldn’t use internet at the same time because of kind of connection I had. He told me whenever I want to use it, just tell him. So I started doing that and he would be anxious to get back on and bugging me to be done and when I would shower, I would tell him I wanted it after I get out and he would still be on it so I has to kick him off. I thought I needed to be more clear so i told him what I wanted when I say I want the internet after I get out of the shower so that meant I wanted it all set up for me and ready by the time I get out and I tell him i want it so he can transition because he knows I want it so he can switch gears. I told him of my expectations and that didn’t work. So he contradicted himself again like he did about the movie thing. He told me to tell him I want the internet and he will let me have it but instead I had to fight him off and deal with him being anxious and being impatient for me to get off it so I started to go down to my parents house for the internet. I was online for only in the evenings. They only lived a half mile down the road so I was barely using any gas to get there and back.

Then there were the excuses, he had excuses for why he didn’t do things like why he didn’t have a job or why he didn’t drive. he didn’t drive because his mom was driving his car and she hit a deer and now it needed to be fixed. This was legitimate because I did see the wrecked car. His step dad knew how to fix cars so he was going to fix it but he needed to get his driver’s license. So I pick up his driver’s manual to study and I can tell he never touched it just by the way it looked and he said he studied it. I knew it was a lie. Then his car was fixed and my ex’s new excuse was it would be cheaper if i would just take him everywhere and he will give me money for gas. I didn’t want to keep being his taxi driver. He was even offered a job 67 miles away and he wanted it but I told him he had to get his license first and he expected me to take him there and back so that would have been four hours of my day. I am not doing it and the fact I also work. I thought he was nuts he would want me to drive him 67 miles to work and back. I told him to get his darn license and he then lost interest in the job. He didn’t want to pay all that money for gas.

He worked at McDonalds before getting fired and his excuse was he was going to transfer to another McDonalds and my dad had to talk to the manager and the manager wanted to talk to my father. That never happened and he didn’t want to look for new work because he was still waiting to hear about it from my dad. When he did work there, my parents went off to Wisconsin with my brothers and my car was in the shop so I was using my mom’s Saab. My ex had no ride and had no way of getting to work so he told his boss he couldn’t work for three weeks (that was how long my parents were gone for) so his boss didn’t put him on schedule again. (another way of being fired) But I talked to my boss about it and she was fine with me taking my ex with me and then bringing him to work when his shift starts so i went home and talked to my ex about it telling him how he can come to work with me and wait and then I will bring him to work. He said he didn’t want to hang out there so I tld him he can watch TV, play my games, use my CD player to listen to his CDs but he said he would look retarded in his uniform so i told him he can change at work and he said his boss wouldn’t allow that and then he would have no where to put his stuff and his boss wouldn’t like that so I told him he can change right before I take him to work, he can change in the restroom and he had another excuse for that so I told him he can wait in the car and no one will see him and he had another excuse.

Before he got fired, he told me even if he did have his license, I would still have to take him to work because he wouldn’t remember how to get there because Ritalin messed with his brain. he told me he wouldn’t remember the route to the highway when I told him McDonalds was on the right side of the road so it’s impossible to miss. I told him he can just follow me to the highway and I will keep on doing that until he remembers the route and he had another excuse for that.

He also claimed he can’t remember things so he has to do them NOW when he gets the idea in his head. He said he will forget if he can’t do it now. He was like a little kid ‘can we go now’ and even giving him the time when we will lave didn’t get him off my back. I would get anxiety about it and start yelling because he was pushing me and going “can we go now” like a little kid. one time his trench coat had a little tear so he wanted to buy some black thread. I had just gotten home from work and I wanted to relax and not drive all the way back to town that as 11 miles away. The flea market wasn’t for another two weeks so he could wait and he didn’t need to do it NOW. But he didn’t want to wait, he wanted to do it NOW so he was pushing me until i had a meltdown so I dumped him off at my parents to get him away and have them deal with him and my dad had to run to that town anyway for work so he took him with him and dropped him off there. But one day I bought him a notepad so he could write stuff down he wanted to do so he could remember and leave it by his computer. But he had excuses for why it wouldn’t work. he wouldn’t remember to look at it so i told him to leave it open on the page and leave it where he can see it which is by his computer.

After we were broken up, he told me he didn’t need a job coach because he can remember things fine when in our relationship he had told me for him to remember to do things, he has to do it over and over and always start over from scratch before he can remember. This is a issue here because this makes him untrainable so I suggested he gets a job coach so they can work with him so the business isn’t paying someone to work with him, the human resources are. Then he denied he ever told me he had problems with his memory.

He claimed to be a collectivist because he takes all peoples ideas and uses them. he also seemed to be a communist because he didn’t like having to pay to live or pay for gas or things we need and he thought everyone should just be given things. I told him what would happen if we didn’t have money, no one would be working and we would just be poor. he wouldn’t be able to buy what he wanted because no one would be working to deliver them to stores and no one would be delivering gas to the gas stations, no one would be delivering food, no one would be working to fix things so we would just be poor and nothing would ever get done and there would be no teachers or doctors. He then said everyone can work because it would be the law so I told him what would happen if everyone was forced to work without pay. People wouldn’t really be doing their jobs and people would be purposely getting fired and could he imagine having a doctor not really doing his job especially if he was having surgery, the surgeon could just do it all wrong because he doesn’t care. He isn’t being paid to do it. No one would be doing their jobs right and they would just be slacking, o one likes to slave away. Money is fuel and it keeps our country going. then my ex said homes and cars and things we need should be free but not video games and other things like movies and clothes.

I think my ex felt this way because he didn’t want to work, he wanted his money all for himself so he also had a money spending problem. he would spend than save so when he didn’t work, he wanted to spend his money on stuff he wanted than saving it for bills like rent and food. he thought it was “retarded” because he had to pay to live. I told him to get a job and then he can get his ipod he wants. I felt like I was treating him like a child and mothering him about his money and I felt like a control freak because it was like having a big kid around instead of another 20 year old.

So why do I wonder if he was a narcissist or not or a sociopath or not? Because he didn’t care about others, he was only concerned about himself, he didn’t get how others felt, it was always about him and he dependent on other people and I was his meal ticket. He would joke and then get upset if anyone was hurt by it or took him seriously. I swore he played mind games with me because of his excuses and him twisting my words and I was never sure if he was really that dumb or if he was just twisting my words.  He was just someone who didn’t want to work or want to use his money on things to live but on stuff he wanted. He was a bum. he also had anxiety like me and was also naive because it was easy to rip him off. His “friends” stole his computer because it broke so they were supposed to fix it and they never got it done and then they said it got stolen. I suspect they pawned it. Then there is his cousin who he loaned his PS2 games too and he said his car broke down and someone got in his car and took the cars out from under the seat. My ex found out later he had traded them in at the game store in the mall there because the guy working there saw them in his computer and the name. The cousin was also supposed to pay him back for the money but he never had it. One time he said he would give it to him in three weeks so three weeks went by and we came by to get it and he still didn’t have the money and Jayden then knew his cousin only said that to keep him off his back and he was pissed because he fell for it. My dad told him to just let it go because he is never going to get it back. But yet he was not very emotional so he acted like he didn’t have any feelings. he never showed them. Everyone around me thought he was creepy. I didn’t pick up on it. My mom could tell he had more problems than ADHD. She thought he was nuts, crazy. Plus his thinking was bizarre so she thought he was a schizophrenic. I also suspect he had OCD because he had strange worries like he worried someone was going to come on our land and take his swords and he worried they would get wrecked in the chicken house so I always locked my door (in the country, no one ever locks their door). When he had a bank account, he had to call them every twenty minutes to make sure his money was still there because he worried about identity theft. Then when he had a bank account again, he had to keep a certain amount in there because he always worried about being overdrawn so instead of $94 it can to be $95 or $90. It had to be zeros or five’s. I have my own worries so I couldn’t relate to his but to me it was all irrational. Plus he had a history of violence so my mom was worried he was going to start beating me soon. I told her he was a kid then and he isn’t violent anymore and he would never hit a woman because he doesn’t want to go to jail. No doubt can a narcissist have other disorders too like OCD or depression or anxiety or a mental illness like Bipolar or schizophrenia. I just don’t think he was a covert narcissist and he doesn’t seem to have enough of it for me to even want to label him as one. He had low self esteem too so I tried to bring it up.

I thought he wasn’t independent because no one wanted to help him so I did and he just didn’t want to do it. He just wanted to live like a kid. He also told me how no one in his family wants him around but after being with him, I realize why. He said his parents never wanted him around either so he always had to play alone in his room. I don’t know if he is so messed up because of his step father’s abuse or because his mom didn’t do much with him or because he didn’t have a learning attitude so his mom gave up. There is no excuse for child abuse so he didn’t deserve it from his step father. But I tried to help him and couldn’t. You cannot change what you don’t knowledge and he didn’t think he had anything wrong with him. I was his meal ticket. I even gave him food too. But then at the end I felt gypped and used and very hurt that he never cared about me because forgetting my birthday and picking his friend over me made me realize how selfish he really was. He didn’t come home like he said he would and he never even called me like I wasn’t that important and his excuse was his friend doesn’t like him calling long distance and I was like what kind of friend doesn’t allow their boyfriend to call their girlfriend to let them know and also why didn’t he come home on Sunday like he said he would. He said his friend was having problems so he thought he should be there for him. I felt hurt because he can be there for his friend but not for me? He could remember his friend’s birthday but not mine? He couldn’t even be bothered to call me or even leave a note when he got back while I was out on my birthday. He didn’t even think of me at all, I was just his meal ticket, someone to provide him. I broke up with him in anger and didn’t go back. He said he was pissed he forgot but he didn’t sound pissed or sorry. He was like “I told you, I don’t remember dates” so I told him on the phone “How can you possibly remember my birthday if you say you can’t even remember the seven days of the weeks in order or even remember my birthday if you can’t remember dates?” I also told him he said he would be home Sunday so I thought that was the day he would be home on.

Then of course it’s all my fault because I can’t see his perspective or even think of how others might feel even him. Projection. he even wrote me a sad sorrow message about his loss of me and feeling sorry for himself when he had no intention of changing and he was calling himself a screw up when he had no intention to change. He even wrote how he thought I would accept him and when I responded about him being lazy and not wanting to do things and if this is who he is, then I don’t like it. Then he called them his faults and acted like this was all normal stuff and made me look to be closed minded like I am someone who doesn’t want anyone to have any faults and they must be perfect. I couldn’t even. I sadly deleted all his messages and I had a screen shot of his last message but I lost it and didn’t save it when my uncle got rid of his computer and I took the files off my hard drive I wanted and didn’t take that message with me. I had no use saving them.

So was he a narcissist or a sociopath or just a jerk and a bum? He wasn’t really abusive either and there are overlaps between the two conditions.